Pixie Huggles and Elephant Kisses

2002-08-15T19:14:00.000-07:00

2002-05-21T14:25:00.000-07:00

umm...hello?

2002-05-15T11:22:00.000-07:00

It is very aggravating not to be able to write in my diaryland blog from school. It's just like, grrrr. Hmmm...let's see. Last night I started dreadlocking my hair, and then stopped because I figure it's definetly a bad idea to do that minus parental permission and I'm getting my hair cut on Friday...so, yeah, lol. I still want them though. I always go through this...if I get any money (haha) I will prolly just buy some dread wax and go for it...I just think they're supa neat and I love them on everyone I see. Especially *heart* Francis Sands. But I heart her anyway just because of all her awesome bodmods and her cutie of a husband. So...maybe soon, maybe not, we'll see. I did the unthinkable and *gasp* changed my password for my e-mail, which is something that has always ben known to Vivi...now it's not. Yeah. Been spenidingmy breaksall on my lonesome...it's a strange existence, but I'm getting used to it...yup. I guess that's it

2002-04-30T11:24:00.000-07:00

People are so funny and full of shit. It's great. I mean, on the one hand you have this girl and you just want to slap some realism into her. And she thinks she's so fucking hardcore and that she knows everything, when it's all a joke. And she puts herself two steps above you, when it's not in her place. She's not the pope, she is not ani difranco or angela turner, she is just a girl, at the same level as everyone else. And then you have people who promise to keep something a secret, and they do keep it - for the two seconds it takes them to walk to their seat and then they tell their lab partner. And then they tell the whole class. That's when they bring up the fact that you slept with the person too. Add a few "oh yeah, and she's slept with a prostitute too"'s and you have my Vivi. She'll tell anyone and everyone about my sex life. From our chemistry teacher to our classmates to the people working in the places that we eat, she tells them all. Why? I don't know. Because she doesn't have a sex life she's going to tell everyone mine? Because our chemistry class hates her and they think she's annoying and tell her to shut the fuck up - but they don't when she's talking about *my* life so she tells them? How unhardcore is that? That's such bullshit. Ooh, she's mad at me because I tell 'everyone' (read: a few good friends of ours) about her brother, but it's fabulous for her to tell strangers and our TEACHERS, our flippin teachers, about my personal life? Dude, if I wanted them to know I would tell them myself. If they had the inclination to read my whole blog they could find out themself.

I'm an angry chica right now. She had no right, no business, and no justification to talk about *my* life like that, particularly about something as personal as who I'm having sex with. I don't think I'll be talking to Vivi for a very long time...I just don't want to deal with her and that.

Grrr...this kind of mood makes me want to tell everyone's secrets. But, I won't, because as juicy as they are I'm not like Vivi, I'll let people tell their own secrets.

2002-04-19T23:15:00.000-07:00

Don't forget, the new URL is http://icesex.diaryland.com Don't forget to change your links.

2002-04-11T11:24:00.000-07:00

So, yo, I'm here at school, and writing here because I can blog it up but I can't do diaryland. I know, I know, how little sense does that make. Yeah, I'm in the library, and yes, I'm a super major dork. I could be out in the courtyard right now with Danny, but...I feel all awkward. Like, Hi, I'm Brittany, I have no friends will you keep me company? Y'know...yeah. I went to chemistry and my teacher gave me a hug and everyone was loving my hair and I'm like...awww. We got new seats and I have the greatest lab partner. He is like, so loveable. I was taking a little nap...having a little snooze, and when I had to wake up to do a lab he was like, yo, you gotta wake up, and was rubbing my back until I was awake. It was such a great way to wake up. I'm quite smitten. Heehee. Argh, there's the bell, more later.

2002-03-11T17:11:00.000-08:00

go here. You might like it.

Good bye, good bye.

2002-03-10T22:43:00.000-08:00

I remember...
I remember crying as I sat in my living room with the American Flag in my lap,
trying to tie it at half mast.
Tears fell on that flag,
as I tried to tie it at half mast.
It was so difficult,
this flag was not made to be at half mast.
I tied knot after knot, wrapping the string around it's own pole.
Tear after tear fell on star after star on stripe after stripe, as I tied that flag.

I remember my mom shaking me awake...
shaking me awake,
as I watched the second plane go into the tower, live.
I called everyone I could think of,
but it wasn't sinking in yet,
as I told people to turn on their TVs.
Any channel, it doesn't matter, every channel will show it.

I remember going to school,
and seeing Fairie Chick and Anthony,
and I told her, and she was just laughing...
laughing...
she said something like that doesn't concern me.
I remember sitting in chemistry and crying...
as we watched it on TV.
As some girls talked about the soccer game
and the upcoming Homecoming.
I remember cuddling with Duck,
pre-war cuddling we joked,
but not really joking and it's really not funny,
as we just held each other.
Not sure what to do.

What do you do when the sky starts to fall?
When bodies fall?
Into the sky.
From those towers,
hundreds of stories high.

I wanted to turn it into art,
something you could see.
I spent hours cutting out newspaper clippings.
But it hurt too much to see.
I watched my TV for two days straight.
Until finally I had to turn it off,
because I could cry no more.
And I remember that people said I cared nothing for my country,
they told me I had lost nothing and I wasn't a patriot,
because I didn't want to see retribution.
Because I didn't want to see.
I still say fuck those people, my country means what it means to me.
Because I don't believe in violence,
because I don't know the answer
but I know what I don't want it to be.

I remember,
being angry at the world,
at the people who lived in this world.
Seeing people jump from buildings,
seeing the ruble that stood so tall,
seeing the death toll rise.
But most of all,
I remember the sadness,
that stretched forever in my heart,
into this void,
of human emotion.
Of anguish at the lives lost.
The mothers and brothers and sons and daughters,
the saints and the sinners,
the catholics and buddhists,
men and women,
young and old.
There was no discrimination on this day.
There was no judgement or prejudices.
Because when they tried to kill our country,
they tried to kill us all.
They tried to kill us all.

2002-03-05T19:29:00.000-08:00

I See

I saw him today...standing there, twenty feet away from where I usually by my food. Why is it that before, when I was so desperate to see him, to figure out where he hung out, he was no where to be found. And the day when I absolutely don't want to see him, he's right there. Wearing his shorts and suspenders and that grey jacket and his black chucks and black socks. There was a big *pop* behind us, Vivi and I, when we were waiting to buy our food. We look back and she starts telling me not to look back, but I already saw him. Just standing there.

Yesterday Jah Love was like, why are you so down? I told him about me and Josh and he was like, dude, no one liked him anyway and he was ugly as fuck and no one could figure out why you were going out with him. Blah! Maybe because I liked him anyway and I thought he was sexy as fuck? But...it was sweet that he was trying to make me feel better. He was wearing this soft fuzzy black sweater and when I hugged him I just wanted to bury myself in it. Chicago came up to me and said "sorry for being a drunken bitch". Drunken boys are fun. That was basically my day yesterday. I'm reading The Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan, it's a really good book. You should read it too. I didn't fall asleep last night until 5:30. That's the last thing I remember before groaning and going to sleep. Seeing the clock say 5:30, knowing my alarm is set for 6:15.

Today was interesting. Went to Chemistry, our teacher keeps leaving for meetings and stuff. But he brought back donuts. And he had the Secret Language of Birthdays, so I stole that book for a little while. Yup. First break I saw Josh...already talked about that. The bell rang and I got up to go to second class, and my entire second class was walking in the opposite direction. "Where have you been?" Paco and Gisele ask me. I'm confused and keep walking towards my class, but this kid Ramone grabbed me and turned me around. Apparently we were supposed to go meet in the spanish class a half hour earlier. If I had done that I would have entirely avoided seeing Josh, darn.

We drive to the elementary school and I kick mysel for a: not remembering and b: wearing my big boots, a dress, and fishnets. Aw well. Some little girls complimented my boots. Mostly they all just looked at me weird, and the adults weren't exactly looking too cool at me. And I wanted to yell at the kids "no, you don't have to do that, you don't have to grow up and be that, you can grow up and be anything, not like them..." But I didn't say anything, I just dressed up like a little pig (with a little pig tail and pig ears and a piggy bowtie and a piggy nose. We were pretty good. The Three Little Kids. It was just realy weird, because we recorded the lines because we knew we'd never remember them, but Paco was absent so we got Football Jason to say 'em, and there's Paco, standing on the stage, his mouth moving and Jason's voice coming out. I was having fits of giggles.

Afterwards we all went to Taco Bell to eat. Paco and Giselle didn't have money, and Nikki (the girl who was reading the same book, at the same time we got in trouble for reading and we were on the same page. The next day I noticed my toenails were the same colors as her nails. And, the one to say "you have sex with girls??" when I yelled something pertaining to that across my english room to Jessy) had two bucks which we put into the money fund. I had twelve bucks. I have two bucks left. Which, would be fine and dandy but I fucking owe Andrew money. Oh! The language fair! Yes, I'll tell my parents it costs five bucks (it only costs two) and have three left over. Yes. I'm going to give Andrew 15, my own little 'interest'. So...anyways.

We stayed at Taco Bell until 1:00 and then went back to school :) Nikki and I went to class. It was a lot of fun. It's weird how we keep ending up being together. We were just laughing our asses off the whole time. And then she started talking about her boy friend, named Josh, and that made me sad. Oh my goodness, Paco was like "I think Josh was lying blah blah blah, I saw him with a girl this morning". I hit Paco on the head and say very slowly "did she have short bleach blonde hair?" He nods. That's his sister paco! His sister. Sheesh. And I took the bus home, and that is it. I slept all day today. Only woke up to make optomitrist appointments for my mom and I. Fun.

Stargirl
Is it a coincidence that the only pics I ever took of Josh were of him walking away?

2002-03-03T23:20:00.000-08:00

*sigh* Sometimes I wonder if life would be that much easier if there were no humans. Only books. Yesterday was quite the interesting day, involving me and josh breaking up...*sigh* Lots of tears about that. Trying to pretend I don't care, nothing can affect me, nothing. I’m supposed to be stronger than that. My problem is I put all my heart in people. I don't just give them a little piece, a little part, oh no, I give them my whole fucking heart. I can't help it, it's just my way. I’ll give them everything for forever and a day. So that when they hurt me, it really hurts.

Went to the bookstore yesterday. With vivi. Took the bus. Gave little kids all my candy. Ran into tori and gina, they had just stolen lots of shiznit from the Gap, about to sell it to Buffalo Exchange. Why didn't I think of that? Then we found Biscuit and Chicago, drinking 40's with Nic too. Hehe, they were drunk. In front of taco bell. We went to the bookstore. Later they found us. And there was some drunken fun. Biscuit fell over the little wall separating Starbucks from Barnes and Noble. Vivi was reading Chicago cowboy porn, and he kept dropping books on his head. They were all falling over. Nic was apologizing for not talking to me, and then wondering why it was he didn't talk to me, and then saying because "it hurts...it hurts so bad". And Biscuit...well, he was trying to convince me how romantic it would be to make out in the travel section.

Biscuit is much stronger than you'd think. He was holding me down in my chair and he wouldn't let me go, quite frankly, it was scary, he was trying to convince me to make out with him. And while I'm not entirely adverse to that, a.)it's against my policy to make out with inebriated folks unless I am too. b.) Nic was around and that would never turn out good. c.) well, we were in public and he was drunk. But...I lured him into coming with me to grab my Ani beanie back from Nic. And then as I was calling my mom to tell her I was on my way home (I was supposed to be home by dark, it was already a half hour after and I still had to commute through the public bus system, oopsies), Biscuit was kissing the back of my neck. Eep.

We ushered them out of the store, as they tried to steal glasses and knocked over chairs. And then vivi convinced Chicago to drop his pants. *hand to forehead* I don't know what she was thinking. This was after she convinced him to take of his shirt, I might add. Insanity.

I didn't get home for an hour and a half after I left them, but I don't feel like explaining my adventure with the bus system.

I feel the need to protect myself, to withdraw like a turtle in it's shell. I put on a necklace that I haven't worn in a very long time. The necklace that Robin made me for my fifteenth birthday. With blue string and green beads, and a clay bead of the world. She gave it to me in order to remind me that "I control the world, the world does not control me". I'm also wearing my fairie necklace, I reglued the glitter bottle into the fairie's arms. Ashes has a mermaid necklace, I have my fairie one. I just feel the need to curl up in everything that protects me.

I have come up with the ultimate present for Fairie Chick, I'm going to start on it tomorrow. I can't think of anything that will be more...perfect. I'm not sure when I'll give it to her, or what it is for exactly. But, it will be so beautiful and exceptional that I can hardly describe it. In fact, I won't, because I know she's snoopy as fuck. She never stops looking. And if seeing her parents sex toys won't stop her, then certainly me telling her not to read this won't. So ha! I know the curiosity is going to drive her crazy :)

L.J. Smith is a terrific author. *smooches* to ashes for introducing me. Stargirl

Is this goign to be my last post or isn't it? I can't decide.

2002-03-02T15:07:00.000-08:00

three wise men

1. ani difranco was so fucking amazing, i can't even describe, and ashes is so fucking amazing and it was a fucking amazing day once the last bell ended of school.
2. josh and i broke up. he broke up with me. because...well, i'm not even sure, really. his little cousin just started calling me today asking if he could hit it since josh and i broke up, as i sit there with my bony little jaw hanging open (okay, i stole that from ani, i'm too tired to be clever), and it was just ahh. so, there's that. he thinks i'm a bitch and he's "tired of me anyway". i try not to cry as i tell myself that i don't have time for mean people in my mind, thoughts, or life. but myself doesn't listen and i cry anyway. and my mom watches me cry and carries a normal conversation with me about whether anyone called her while she was napping
3. i'm stopping the blog for good. my writing has dwindled, and i'm tired of opening up myself to people. i want to go curl up on my own, by myself, with no one knowing what's going on in my heart, in my life, in my mind. no more of this. i don't want people knowing me like this, judging me like this. so, goodbye all my readers i've never met, who never signed my guestbook, and the friends who just wanted to check up on me. adios, it's been good, it's been fun. i only wish i was as big as Pamie was when she shut down.

Bye

stargirl as she tries to hold onto her starness, and wishes she could disappear when she gets hurt like all the starpeople before her

2002-02-28T18:40:00.000-08:00

Books

I lose myself in books, I really do. I got home at four today (my dad and I went to the mall, searching for jeans for my mom). I called Josh, because he wasn't at school, but he was sleeping. *sigh* I'm not even going to get into that though. So, I started reading roughly at four. It's 6:30 now. I let my eyes drift away from the page and realized that I'm in my room, not in California. And then I walked out to the rest of my house, none of the lights were on, and I looked at the clock. Unbelievable. For two and a half ours I didn't change position. Only moved to flip the page. I totally lose myself in books, and sometimes it scares me, but today it's pleasant. My dad left to the grocery store a long long time ago and he's not here.

I'm going back to my book. Ani in 24 hours :) stargirl

2002-02-27T20:04:00.000-08:00

My mom just got home an hour or two ago. They took an early flight and la de da, a long story short is that we went to the airport to wait for Michelle's husband. I was just getting teary-eyed in the car, talking about my schedule. It just wears me out thinking about the classes I'm taking next year. And she bought me a slurpee. She also noticed the hikies on my necks. Well, three really really light ones. But of course she noticed. Blah. And then when we got home she found out that I didn't leave any of the notes for my dad, and she was like, "god, I thought you'd understand, the one person I trust with this and you didn't do it, blah blah", and I'm like, "mom, I'm tired, and if you keep talking I'm going to cry, so why don't you just forget about it". She was pissed. My brother was like, why did you go all crazy?

I just don't like the way she talks to me, it upsets me. I can't help that. Now we're waiting for food, and my brother is on the phone.

2002-02-27T15:40:00.000-08:00

oh goodness

Josh wasn't at school yesterday, and I was so bummed out because I kept expecting him to pop up. He didn't. He ditched with his sister to go to her best friend's school (don't ask, it's a long story). And he was smoking! First he told me he had smoked, and I was like, fine, then I get smoke on Friday with Ashes at the concert, and he was like, no no, I just wanted to see what you were going to say. But he really did. He just doesn't want me to smoke. And I'm like, fuck that, if he can smoke so can I. So there. Well, on Friday anyway. But then we both stop forever and ever. Mmhm.

Yesterday was just sort of a day. I went to Paco's house again, made some mac and cheese for the very first time ever. I know, it seems crazy, but I didn't have Macaroni and Cheese until I had it with Sperm Girl in like, 6th grade. That blue box has never entered my house. So...yesterday was just okay. I wish people would leave me alone in PE. Why is it that when they see a girl alone they want to go and save her and stuff? Maybe she wants to be alone! Sheesh. That Ugly Girl who is not really ugly, but such an ugly person on the inside she disgusts me, well, she rides my bus now, did I mention it? Well, she was like, oooh, was that your boyfriend on the bus yesterday? Yah, what's it to you? She started squealing about his ears (he's got parts of a mechanical pencil in 'em) and all 'ewwwww!'. Gosh.

Today Josh was at school, thank goodness. He asks me why am I so happy all the time because I'm always smiling and dancing around and stuff. I tell him I'm not always happy, because I'm not, I just don't like people to see me sad. What's the point? They can't make me feel any better, and they'll feel bad when they can't, so why let them see me sad? Well, it makes sense to me. Second break everyone was kissing everyone! Normally straight bois were kissing other straight bois and queer boys and girls were kissing girls and it was insane. Well, that's what happens when you kick theatre kids out of the theater. We have to think of *something* to come up with. Josh and I went to the other side of the hallway, neer Super Ego/God and Bri and Fairie Chick and Ant. In other words, the straight side of the hallway :) But Fairie Chick and Ant appeared to be in a serious conversation so I gave each a squeeze on the arm and the bell rang, so we didn't have to find a place to go.

Vivi says she's revoking my queerness. Because, after all, I have a boyfriend. It's funny because on www.technodyke.com (go there! love it! give them money!) they just had an article about a girl arguing with herself over her queerness because she has a boyfriend. She says she's sometimes jealous of gays and lesbians because "They knew who they wanted, or at least which set of genitalia". Fuck that. I feel bummed out for peopel who let someone's genitals determine whether or not they want to be with that person. It could stop you from being with someone who could make you really happy. Ever think of it that way? Yeah. So there.

I feel like Lily lately, from the book Smack. I know, I know, she ends up being a junkie with a kid, but not in the begining. "She just couldn't stand still. She was smiling all the time, not at anyone, just to herself and the good time she was having....She was beautiful....It was as if she was in a completely different room, at a completely different party from anyone else in the room. She was different from everyone...She had the power...She was everything that was going on in that room...Did you ever see someone and think straight away, I want to be that person? I want to look like her and think like her and have the same effect as she does..you know? This girl - nothing mattered to her." That's the first time Gemma sees Lily (who is of course, the 'she', the 'girl', the 'everything). I know, it's weird because I'm not like that at all. But...that's how I feel. I can't explain it. It's like, I don't even know. Just the way you feel like you're turning into someone, into that person, and I feel like that's where I'm going. This'll only make sense to the bookworms who understand. But one day you'll feel like that too.

Josh came over again today. We are so sublimely good for each other. I hardly ever see him smile at school, I don't see him smile when he thinks I'm not looking, I never saw him smile on the bus. But...he smiles when we're alone together. Just this cute little smile and it's like...yeah. He always asks me why I'm so happy. I ask him why he's so unhappy. He says he's only unhappy when he's not with me. So, he came over and we had a good time and it is just so good. Eventually it was time to go. We each took opposite sides of the argument. "I should go" "no you should stay" "okay, I'll stay" "no, you should go". Well, it wasn't as flimsy as that. Just, after a few countering comments we'd change our minds and. It's horrible. I'd be like, okay, you can go right after this, but then he wouldn't want to go and it's just. It sucks to leave each other, y'know?

I took pictures of him as he left my house. Can't wait till I get enough of everything to decorate my notebook. Ooh, I went to Savers yesterday and got some jeans, finally, 8 bucks. And a shirt, the most badass long-sleeve shirt with a collar and just, this crazy design on it. Toasters and housewifes serving rootbeer and just, really neato. 4 bucks.

So...yeah...a good day. Golly...I can't even comprehend how happy he makes me. I'm just so...good. Fine. Awesome. He tells me that I'm beautiful so much, and how sexy he thinks I am so much that I almost believe it. I look down at my belly, stretched across the bed, and I think it's okay, y'know, it's my belly and damnit, there's nothing wrong with it. Of course, the longer he's away, the less I believe it. But those times when we're together, I feel...perfect. Like, at the end of a really good movie, you're just left with warm fuzzy feelings that make you think everything is going to be okay after all. That's how my life feels right now.

I talked to Fairie Chick today. In english, just talking and joking and stuff. The first time in forever. A crazy good feeling. I sent her a note telling her how much I love her. Everything is so going great. Is this a bore to read now? Now that I'm not sneaking out and giving details about my amazing sex life (and, even though I'm not giving details, it is amazing), now that my teen angst is spread quite thin. Aww well, fuck you if you think it's boring. Well, I've got to go clean. My mom comes home today. Well, tonight. And the house must be clean clean clean. But I'm hungry! Aw well, I'll think of something. Stargirl

I want to be, just about as happy as I can be

2002-02-25T20:45:00.000-08:00

I searched near and far for Fairie Chick today, but she was no where to be found. Eventually I found Ant and he told me she went home sick :/ Well, when you can't find a fairie, her boyfriend can help immensly, especially when I wanted to know about him anyway :) Because, y'know, Josh was going to come over today and...there are somethings a girl should know just in case something happens. He gave me short and quick advice as I walked to english. 1: don't laugh at the boy 2:don't laugh at the boy 3: don't let the boy think you're laughing at him (after I explained that I laugh oh so much during everything).

But *sigh* as cool as it was to talk to him, I totally could have used a Fairie Chick. She was off being naseous and vegging on her couch. Hope you feel better babe!

Rumor says Jessica and Kimmie are together. Neither of them will say anything. They've been cuddling a lot lately, so I wouldn't doubt it. But then again...who knows. *shrugs* not me. Josh was biting me all day :) He did come home with me, by the way. And of course things happened, as things always happen. Miss Pink has atrocious timing. She called afterwards and kept calling and she knew he was here and she knew what was going on and she was like, oooh, I might come over. Blah! No! I say no no!

I won't say much about it, because I don't feel too comfy talking all about Josh and I in here. But it was...fabulous. What else is there to say? It was yummy and fabulous and it felt like I was jumping off a building or a bridge or a mountain. *smiles* Afterwards we were lying there together, and I told him to blow on my back. No, really, try it. Just lie there on your side (can't be wearing a shirt or bra for this one, babes), and have someone blow on your back. You'll start to like, I don't even know. It's a crazy feeling though.

This journal I have right now, it's going to be the journal of Josh. Since I started it the day I first started talking to him. I'm going to take a whole bunch of pictures of him and me and us and get magazines and cut out everything that reminds me of us and decorate my notebook with that. Mmhm. It'll be fabulous. Well, I think I'll go call him now. Actually, I should go study for history...but it's so hard. Ummm, I'll finish White Oleander, study for history, and then call Josh. Yeah.

Oh, wait, the rest of my day. So, Paco came over and we drove Josh home and then went to his house. Camille, this little girl they babysit came over and she painted. I made mac and cheese for the first time. It was fabulous. And I watched Crazy/Beautiful. I really like that movie.

Oh, and S made varsity softball, as did Kim, yay! And Vivi got the part she wanted in Steel Magnolias. There's a gay guy who thinks Marcio is cute. Jah Love and Athena are happy. Fairie Chick and Ant are happy. Vanessa and my brother are happy. Bri and God/Super Ego are happy. Me and Josh are happy. So, I suppose you could say that right now everything is going fabulously. Ooh, and Ashes is coming with me to Ani, yay! We were supposed to go out last weekend, but she fell asleep ;) Maybe this weekend. Who knows.

Stargirl (I feel very much like a StarPerson today).

2002-02-24T22:18:00.000-08:00

My mom left town today. We had to clean house from 9:30am to 1pm because the person taking her to the airport would be in our house for five minutes. Everything from the standard sweeping/mopping/dusting to planting new plants in the front yard (which I had to do because, she wouldn't dare ruin her nails, I fucking hate gardening most of the time, but today it wasn't so bad). So, now our house is clean clean clean. Oh, and apparently donut boxes are tacky, so we had to bust out the cake platter to put the donuts in. Whatever. It aggravates and annoys me, but today I wasn't minding it so much. We've had such awesome open-your-windows-let-some-sun-and-air-in weather lately. It's fucking fantabulous. Last night I started on three sketches, finished one of them. Two of them are copies of Picasso's. One is a self portriat of him, the other a painting of a candle, pot, and pitcher. And then a sketch of the cover of one of my books. I actually desided to show my mom. I haven't got anyone else to show, y'know? So, I showed her and she smiled and said they were pretty good. Then remarked that she once saw some ballet shoes I had drawn and they were pretty good too. There are few things I'll accept compliments for. But, my art is one of them.

Today I went with Paco to Micheal's, because he didn't want to go alone. He bought stuff for his Spanish thing, I stole an eraser and some sketching pencils because I've got a tiny bit of an eraser (my brother lost mine, of course) and one pencil left. Then we decided to go to his house, and we painted posterboard for his spanish thing. I decided to eat dinner there. I called my brother and he was on his way out, my dad wasn't home yet, my mom out of town. Who was going to tell me no? No one. So, I stayed for dinner, which was pasta, yum yum.

It was so strange seeing his mom. I haven't seen her since before she started the chemo. Her hair is very short and very thin, and she doesn't look all that great, but she's still got that great smile and the way she says "Paco!" in her little way. It's great. His nana is in town, I've met her a few times before. I don't know what it is about his house, but I feel more at home there than I feel in my own home. Here it's hard for me to eat. I never eat when anyone else is around, and I don't eat much when I'm alone. There I can fill up on pasta and garlic bread and Sunny Delight and I don't even think about it. I laugh and giggle and talk to nana and Lisa (his mom) and it's cool. Omg, they have a little fish in a little jar-type thing. Lisa was doing the dishes when the fish (allegedly) jumped out of the jar into the sink. She was like, "oh my gosh, Paco, help me!" we go to the sink and thought she had dropped it down the garbage disposal and were trying to figure out how to rescue it when we realized it was just in the little dish rack thing. We removed some dishes and it just hopped into a little cup so we just put it into the jar. Whew. It was a close call.

Paco drove me home. I'm going to go over there tomorrow at like, three o'clock to finish up the spanish and watch Crazy/Beautiful. Josh is going to come home with me tomorrow. Hmmm. Don't you wish you knew what we were going to do? Actually, I have no idea what's going to happen. I had to make sure my brother was going to go to work, but in a slick sly way. I sort of botched the job, but whatever. Asked him how he was feeling...was he going to school? Was he going to work? Why, he asks? Oh, well, I thought it'd be a nice surprise if you put in the new harddrive...for mom, y'know. I don't think mom cares, he said.

But, the point is, he's going to work. Wheee. Well, I'm going to go call Josh :) Stargirl

2002-02-23T23:38:00.000-08:00

I find myself writing in here less and less. I'm contemplating not writing anymore. But I still find myself coming here, so I can't really ever stop. Just one of those things. For the first time I talked to Ashes on the phone. Such insanity. She sounds so different from what I expected. I was going to sneak out tonight, and hang out with her, but she never called me back...she's coming with me to Ani, I can't get ahold of gay-Robert.

I'm a little sad about Josh. Just...I get upset over stupid things sometimes, y'know? Just the little things. But I'm incredibly sad at the moment. For like, the first time since Valentine's Day, his voice won't be the last thing I hear before I drift to sleep. My mom leaves town tomorrow afternoon. Maybe I'll go out in celebration. Hmmm. White Oleander is a really good book. As is One Flew Over The Cookoo's Nest and Anywhere But Here. So is House Of Leaves. Those are the four books I'm currently reading. I don't know why, but I can never read just one book at once, y'know? It's just..too impossible for me. I lost Anywhere But Here. My brother is mad, it's a library book. I haven't taken it out of the house, so it must be here, I search and search...but I can't find it.

The website for Forty Days And Forty Nights is very extensive and cool, I suggest you check it out. Also, the game SSX tricky for PS2 is very very badass. Better than the first one. So badass.

I had the urge to dance all of a sudden. I searched for my ballet shoes, but I couldn't find them. I'll sketch instead. My brother was flicking my toes, wanting to hurt me, I just laughed. Why doesn't it hurt? He asked. I said, I have dancer's feet. Then I thought about it, as he was laughing at me, I no longer have dancer's feet. My feet are smooth, soft, with perfectly painted toe nails. No dancer's feet for me. No thick soles, no strong arches. I can't wait to be back in a leotard, back in a sweaty studio. I wish wish wish I could be in Boston, dancing at JNDS instead of Fern Adair. I can't help it, JNDS has spirit, and soul, and beautiful people who dance because there's a passion inside of them. It's not filled with teenagers who have been dancing since they could walk, it's not filled with pouty eight year olds in black leotards and pink tights. As nice as it is to walk into a room of girls the same height and same body type wearing black leos, ballet pink tights and hair in a tight bun, standing in a line at the barre, I'd much rather walk into a room at JNDS. With the open windows facing a hotel, and the subway, traffic sounds drifting up. Women and men standing around in every color, of every shape and every ability. Perfect.

I guess that's it. I sound sort of apathetic, but really, I'm not. Josh is fabulous. I can't wait to see him, whether it's tomorrow or Monday. It's like, he said the other night, "before, I could hardly picture myself with you, now I can't even picture myself without you". I've been writing a lot of really...poetic stuff in my head about him. I want to write it down, but then I'd be tempted to read it to him, and I don't think that'd really please him. He's not the kind of guy you read your poetry to. Although one of these days I'm going to paint a poem about him on his naked back and chest and stomach and arms. And take a picture of it, of course.

So...as I was saying before I got distracted by my hippie coffee house dreams...mmm, yeah. He bit my neck the other day. *sigh* I feel like a chick in an FLB story, when I lie in bed, talking to him on the phone, curled up, feeling empty because I just wish he was there and naked and holding me and biting the back of my neck or my shoulder blade.

In other news, I made a really great milk shake today that I like to call the very berry milkshake. I'd make another one but my parents are asleep and the blender would wake them up. Maybe I'll just get some milk instead. Stargirl

2002-02-20T15:15:00.000-08:00

I Feel To Much To Let You Know

Wheee! So much has happened, so I'll just type it straight from my journal, kay? Kay.

Josh and I kissed. Just a quick one before my class started. Mmmm, he makes me all giggly and happy. Whee. Okay, well, I wrote that in spanish, now I'm in english. He keeps saying that he likes being in the theater where people are finally "normal". Which is cool cool. When he walked me to my third hour class we kissed again. It's so awkward when you go to kiss someone and you both tilt your head the same way. But *sigh* He was just gripping my shoulders and...I don't know. *sigh* We definetly have the physical/sexual. And he's really great, but...what if he gets bored of me? I don't know, I'm trying not to think negativly. Especially because I'm so happy.

Second break Robert showed up. He pulled me away and asked me who the guy I was with was, what grade he was in. I told him, Josh my boyfriend, and sophmore. He said he missed me. I told him that that was just to bad because he's waiting for something and that thing isn't me. A kiss on the cheek and we were done.

There was a firedrill. Jessica was sucking my fingers, oooh. Robert came and pulled me away. Wanted me to meet some people *shrugs* Two guys. "Guys, this is Brittany, Brittany, these are losers". I giggled hi. Obviously he had told them something about our past. *shrugs* I don't mind, I think he was just like, hey, check out this piece of ass that I got.

Wednesday, February 20, 2002
Everything is fasmatasmic, as gay Hercules would say. Talked to Josh a lot last night. He's just so...awesome. We're both just so good together and so happy together. Yesterday my mom was driving me nutso. I fell asleep on the couch. She woke me up all angry, telling me to do my laundry. I asked where my brother was, she said at work. Ha! I informed her that he didn't go to work and she's like, ahh ahh. So we call him and he's out with his friends and she's bitching at him to come home because she was folding his laundry and this and that. I feel bad, but *shrugs* he didn't mind really.

I'm so proud of myself. I didn't let my mom get to me, yay. I need to stop listening to her, oooh, she thinks she's all powerful and I couldn't really care less what she thinks, but I always let her get to me. Fuck her. Yeah. So, there, take that. I'm not going to let her mess with my head anymore.

Yesterday at Walmart I got new fishnets and markers and glitter and stars and some foundation (which is weird, because I don't really wear make-up, but...y'know, I just want it), and...I think that's it. I wore my black slip today with my fishnets, adidas, and black shirt. I had to hide all morning because my mom thinks wearing a slip that goes past my knees is "inappropriate". We all got kicked out of the theatre. People were speculating that it was because two people got caught having sex, but I later found out that it was because some kid *found* a bag of pot and gave it to another kid, someone saw and told the teachers. Well, the pot mysteriously disappeared but, a knife and some cigarettes were found. So, whatever. Josh was just standing on the mall and I was just leaning on him. He's so much taller than me without my boots, but...that's okay. He's ticklish :) and I was biting on his neck just a little bit, and golly it's just so perfect. I'm just waiting for it to blow up in my face or something.

My world history teacher saw my arm and asked me about it. No no, Mr. K, I was young and stupid, I got help. I'm fine now. Then again, I am fine now. Oh yes, you heard me right. It was fucking stupid, I don't need that. But, it's such a shock for a teacher to notice and say anything. Much less utter the words "self-mutilation". *smile sweetly* I'm fabulous.

That's all I wrote. But...let's see. I ditched third hour with S and Marcio and Josh. We didn't think that we'd be able to do it, but we did. It was so nice. Sitting in the car, cuddling next to him, his arm around me. *sigh* We went to Roma's, I got some Naked Juice. Yay. Get naked! Yeah. Then we went to Mars Music. I don't like that store. It's so...unfriendly. But it was still cool because I could just jump up and hug Josh and kiss him and stuff. There is so no better feeling than holding his hand or just having his arm around me or kiss him him or hearing his heart when I'm leaning against him. Or watching him squirm when I tickle him. But he says that I can't do that anymore. It's just like we're off in our own little world and nothing else matters. He just makes me want to skip around and jump up and down and giggle and laugh and dance.

The ride home was even better. Just cuddling against him. But I keep pulling on his nipple ring. Oops. Ooh, he showed it to me and he's so un-hairy. Whew. Mmmm, I love kissing him. Everything is just so...great. Although I really need to stop ditching PE. Oops.

Nine days until Ani, 38 days until I'm 16. I hope everyone out there is doing good, because I can't remember the last time I was this happy. I wish Cupcake was here to see me being back to my "happy glittery fairie" self. Yeah yeah. Stargirl

Stargirl

2002-02-19T00:21:00.000-08:00

Three Songs

Today was such a...strange day. I read a really good book. Ender's Game. I wish I had read it when I was younger. The writing is a bit premature because it's aimed at a younger audience, and I think I would have enjoyed it more had I been younger. But, the funny thing is, I probably wouldn't have because I read and enjoy the same books I read when I was younger.

Took a shower today and did my laundry. Haha. It's funny but it really really isn't. Yeah. Laughed a lot today. At this shit that really isn't funny. Things like "I'm just waiting for your parents to die" (to my uncle), to which I laughed about until I cried. But that's not what I meant at all. My abuelos are coming back to town the first week of March. I have never seen them so much as I have this year. My cousin, Sarah, and my aunt and uncle (Anita and Henry) are coming with them. Don't know what to do...but, it's a long way away.

People keep killing me in my dreams. I keep waking up being more tired than I was when I went to bed. Being so physically exhausted because my dreams wear me out. People are killing me in my dreams, as I kill my plant in reality. Yeah. S brought me two presents today, but I can't say what they were because one is for Ashes and I haven't mailed it to her yet. Once she gets it I can tell you. I'm going to paint Ani Difranco lyrics onto my closet. I hope that I'm done before my mom notices. And who cares, it's just a closet, right? Or maybe I'll chicken out and just write them down. Who knows, who knows, look as my nose grows.

I decided to take dance lessons again. Yeah, can you believe it? I can't. My mom almost smiled when I told her. I really freaked her out today. More on that later. So, yeah. I'll go into teen 1 classes for jazz and ballet for a month or two until I get back into shape, and then I'll go into 1A, and maybe I'll move up. Who knows. I'm just so sluggish right now. So unflexible and so out of shape. I just trud around my house wearing ballet slippers. Lame lame lame.

Yeah, I freaked my mom out today. During one of the many times that I laughed until I started to cry (into my bowl of ice cream) about something that really isn't funny. No, not funny at all. And all her hopes for me being normal were killed. Dead dead dead. Yup, so dead. It's fucking funny as fuck, I sort of like to think. Because when I was a little kid she was so happy that I would just flop around the house reading, not caring about anyone else. Hardly had any friends, just read and got good grades and that was good enough for her. That was good enough for her. Now I flop around the house reading, and my grades are going up, and she's not happy at all. Well, fuck her, yeah whatever. I think I just scare her. What do we do with Brittany? What do we do with a girl like Brittany? Punishment just doesn't work for me. Neither does negative reinforcement. Nope nope, the only thing that works is treating her like a plant. You can't yell at a plant until it does what it wants. You gotta water it and put it in some sunshine, y'know. But they want to treat me like a little puppy. Bad Brittany, no Brittany, you can't do that. But it doesn't work.

I wonder if I'm finally fucking crazy, have I finally lost all my marbles? You know it's bad when I don't even fight for cheese on my pizza. I don't even care. Get whatever you want, I say, I wasn't hungry anyway. And when my mom entirely forgets to get me dinner last night from McDonalds. It's okay, I say, I wasn't hungry anyway. I can live off of orange juice and mini oatmeal cookies, I really can. I need a cigarette, oooh yeah. I need a cigarette, yes yes I do. Yes yes, look at you? Don't you wish you were me? Haha. Look at who I used to be.

Hmmm, anything else? Didn't talk to Josh today. Talked to my uncle. Yeah yeah. Wrote some stuff. This is what I like to call, the three songs. They're not really songs, they'll never be songs, but, I like to call them songs anyway. Who knows? Who nose? Who's nose? They are sort of inspired by recent local news, and the book Ender's Game, and stuff in my life, and stuff in another little book I'm reading.

Song Number 1
And did you hear about the guy
Who didn't cremate any bodies
But he hid them in the basement
And in the bushes instead
And nobody notices,
No, nobody notices
About the rest of the world
They only give a damn
About themselves
They never see that they are more alone
Than you or me
Because these other creatures,
Never share their dreams

Song Number Two
I laughed so hard
That I started to cry
But the tears didn't know why
They made hot paths down my cheeks
I felt the sorrow burning
Deep inside of me
And it's really not funny
But I can't countrol this laugh
As the tears fall into my ice cream
My parents stare at me
Any hope that I would disappear
Into a crowd of groundlings
Is gone
Because I'll never be like you
I can only be like me

Song Number Three
i watch all the people
that i used to love become
all the things that they hated
that they would rather die than be

and it makes me sad
that they no longer look to me
for their smiles or their joy
no, they don't see me at all

i realize that i'm alone again
and my book stack has gone up
the way it tends to do
when the phone calls go down

don't know what to do
because i'm sick of being the girl
reading alone on a bench
instead of playing some kickball

i keep laughing at these things
that really aren't funny
until i cry because it really isn't
and tears were really meant for this

somehow it makes me feel better
that i can still make myself laugh
and i haven't become what i hate
because i never cared enough
to hate a single thing.

Mmmm, take them for what they're worth. I've been having weekly calls to Jeff in Boston. Yeah. When I call my uncle's work (the number of which I've memorized) and he's not there, but Jeff is. It's so crazy that he recognizes my voice. Or maybe just my request to talk to Gama. We joke and laugh. He's such a cute little kid. Why do I call everyone older than me a kid? Hmmm, who knows, who knows. But yeah, because I always forget what days my uncle has off. And it's always by some coincidence that he happens to be at home, and answers his phone, because his ringer is usually off.

StarGirl

2002-02-17T22:47:00.000-08:00

The Starry Night

The starry night,
Pulls me out into the rain,
Falling from a cloudless sky
Pulling me into your sight,
Your thoughts, your mind,
Until it throws me into your arms,
Wet and shivering,
I look into your eyes
A raindrop on your eyelash,
Your hair damp from drops
As we stand there
Holding each other
Nothing to intrude
On this moment
Created in a dream
Except the music of the drips
The feel of your lips
My hand pulling yours
Let's go, let's go, my body says
Away from this place
This is not our starry night
No, this night belongs to others
Ours will come soon
But before we leave
Just one request please
Never stop
Dancing with me

Today was a crazy crazy day. After much confusion plans were made for my mom to take me to Roma's, Vivi to meet me there, Paco and Gisel to pick us up from there, and go to a 5:30 showing of the movie Rollerball at a new casino. Well, Cody showed up at Roma's. Which was really weird. I don't know, does he like me or does he like Vivi? The eternal question. Since he calls me and talks to me you'd think that he likes me. But he totally stares at Vivi when we talk and he's ten times more interested in her. I tried to hug him before he left, y'know, being friendly, and he was like, I can't believe you're hugging me! And then he wanted to hug Vivi and it was just *weird* ("it's like, you have to actually work at being his friend, it's hard Brittany!" - Vivi ).

But, he left eventually and Vivi and I went and got push-up pops. Yum yum yum. Then Paco and Gisel came and it started to rain! So, I had to call Josh and tell him it was raining. We were soooo late for the movie, but awww, fuck it. It was such a fun drive out there. The movie sucked horrendesly. It's like when your family is watching a movie and you only see some parts when you go to get something to eat, and you have no fucking clue what it's about. That's the plot of this movie, except you don't even have to leave to have that 'what-the-fuck-is-going-on' feeling. Yeah. So, we were being rowdy and laughing and stupid because the movie was so shitty. Vivi went to the girlie room and we're like hmmm...let's hide. So we got all our stuff and moved like, five rows down. She came in all confused like, what the fuck!? But we were laughing so hard she found us. She threw stuff at Paco, Paco threw stuff at her, somehow ice ended up going down my dress! Eep. It was cold! So I stood up to, y'know, shake it down or whatever but they're like, Britt sit down before we get into trouble. Ahh!

So I went into the aisle and squiggled until it came out. Whew. Sat back down. The drive home was even funner. We couldn't get out of the parking garage, and we're like, whew, dance party in the parking garage because music was playing. Paco tried to run me over. Bastard :) We pulled to a stop light and there were these guys there listening to some of that baggy-pants-thug music and we were just like, wheee! and dancing and stuff inside the car. Then Vivi and Gisel tag teamed me, no fair, no fair! Gisel was holding my wrists while Vivi was messing up my hair. We were just laughing and screaming. I tried to roll the window up on Gisel's hair, while Vivi was trying to roll the window up on my hair (Gisel was in the front seat), but the window's wouldn't move. So, Paco rolls the back window up and poor vivi, her finger gets stuck! Eep! Her ring is all bent out of shape. Paco totally missed my neighborhood and god, we were just laughing so hard. As we're driving through my neighborhood I start to mess up Gisel's hair, and Vivi's trying to mess up mine and Gisel falls into the backseat and we're all just messing up each other's hair screaming and laughing and Gisel is trying to get up and...oh golly. When it was all over she couldn't get back into the front seat and kinda sorta flew into it.

Whew. Such craziness. Josh and I talked and it was really cool, and just, *sigh* I wrote this shitty poem, and I'm like, grrr, gotta write a better one so I came up with that. Inspired by Van Gough's "The Starry Night", of course.

Grrr, everyone's asleep. Vivi told me to call her and Josh told me to call him write back. Well, I called Josh like, twent minutes after we hung up (my dad had to call in sick and it took forever) and he was already asleep. Okay, I'll call Vivi, since she told me to call her! Nope, no such luck, she's asleep too. Can you believe it? Sheesh.

Well well well, I'm going to make a test page, where I take a whole bunch of goofy internet tests and put 'em all on a page. Adios. Stargirl

2002-02-17T10:50:00.000-08:00

Oh god...such tiring dreams. It is so unfufilling to wake up *tired* in the morning because you're literally exhausted from the dreams you had. In this dream Fairie Chick and I were together at the store, I don't know why. Like, the grocery store. And we were just getting food. I was hungry for everything and the plan was to just get everything we wanted and then walk out with all of it. When we walked out alarms went off and we started running, there was a guy in a truck and wanted to know if we wanted a lift. Well, yeah! So, we get in the car with him. And it turns out he's a virgin and Fairie Chick and I make a plan for him to lose his virginity. But first we have to kill his grama, okelie dokelie, that's a-okay, y'know? But anyways, as we're trying to plan this out we're like, well, maybe we shouldn't do this. So we get out of the truck and he gets angry and all where the fuck do you think you're going. So I go sit in his lap and talk to him and kiss him and bite him and stuff.

Then I jacked him off and figured oh, maybe he'll let us go. So, we go running and he gets out a gun and starts shooting at us. It was such a crazy feeling though, us just running, gripping hands as though we'd float away if we didn't hold on to each other. The guy got into his car and tried to run us over so we seperated. I'm running and I see Josh J. driving a beat up old car and I'm like, Josh! Josh! Josh! So, he drives over drinking a big ole coke and it was really funny because he looks so typical. And I'm like, There's a guy trying to kill me and Fairie Chick! My Fairie Chick? He asks, I confirm. We can't have none of that around here, he says. *laughs* So Josh-y (this is Josh J, btw, not my Josh). We drive past Fairie Chick and she jumps in the car and we're trying to figure out what the hell to do. I'm giving directions (hey, I figure I probably have faced the most killers in my dreams and it's my fucking dream, why shouldn't I be in control?) Then the car stops working and all of a sudden it's day time. Don't know how. So, we're running and the guy is chasing us. Along the way we lost him. We run into Biscuit who says he wants to join us, and Char and Lydia.

Then we run into the guy again. I realize that the only way we're getting out of this is flying. But the rest of them don't know how to fly and they're afraid to try. Well, they try but not whole-heartedly. So I have to fly and try to pick them up with me so that they can get the hang of it. And I do. To all five of them, and it was just emotionally taxing. Blah.

We did end up getting away, I assume. Because then I was in a bedroom (supposedly mine) and I had to pretend to wake up and be sleepy when I was so tired from the night/day I had. I remember picking up a braid of black hair that was tied with a black ribbon, and wondering whose it was. Of course it was Fairie Chick's, but I wonder why it was there.

So...now I hurt everywhere and I'm tired. Uncool.

Yesterday was pretty good. My cousin came and picked me up. We went to my aunt Gena's house so she could do her taxes. Then we went to go get some pad thai. It was really cool, yum yum yum. She's such a horrible driver when I'm around. Always forgetting when to turn and stuff. We're always like, shit, where are we? and where did we want to be? We also went to see the Britney Spears movie, Crossroads (we had free tickets!) It was better than I expected. Much better. It was just a fun, feel good movie that makes you want to sing at the top of your lungs. But, Britney played a really nerdy dorky valedictorian girl who was a virgin and it was just too unbelievable. I mean, c'mon. No. "remind me again why we should have sex?" (says Britney). "1. we've been lab partners for three years. 2. we trust each other, trust is good, yeah. 3. we're both 18 year old virgins" (says her lab partner of three years). Funny shit.

Then she bought me peanut butter cup ice cream and we went home. We were eating it with two spoons out of the little carton and my mom asked to try it, which is weird because like, if anyone drinks out of her coke she won't drink it anymore. Not even for her own family. But here she is asking for my spoon to eat the ice cream Judy and I have been sharing? We figure she just felt left out or something.

Then there was this great big hoopla of confusion because my brother's girlfriend was coming over. My mom also got mad because she found out that Judy had talked to his girlfriend on the phone and online before, and my mom never has. We had to clean clean clean so everyone thinks nicely of us. My cousin and I were hiding out in my room, and then we were going to come over after things had settled down and looked all smooth and apathetic and stuff. But...my mom ruins it by saying "you can come out now!" Sheesh. My brother's girlfriend isn't what I expected. She was cute like a bunny.

Yup yup. They had very clear rules. No going in my brother's room. I think it's funny as shit. He's seventeen and can't have a girl in his room? It makes me feel better that I could have S. in my room with the door open. Ha. But maybe it was because we weren't together at the time. Not that my mom knew that, but...whatever. So...yeah. That was the main part of my day. I was supposed to go to Roma's with Vivi but I didn't see my parents in the morning.

I was going to ask to go today but my dad is already gone and my mom said no, so I'll ask tonight for tomorrow. If she wasn't so fucking hard to get ahold of! Ever since she went over her minutes by 1,000 and had a $200 cell phone bill she's been wanting me to call her on her regular phone but they never answer, or I call the wrong number and they're all "No, Viviana doesn't live here! Stop calling!" because I call the wrong number a lot. Grrr.

I talked to Josh last night. We played the questions game. Which is basically where you just take turns asking questions. The only thing that annoyed me was if I had a story to go along with my answer, he wouldn't really let me finish. But other than that it was fun.

We're both like, goofy happy right now, which is really really good. He wants to put little mini dreads in his hair when it gets longer. :( I love his hair how it is. Oh well. He's just so yum yum yummy. I want to just push him up against a wall and start biting him. I just have such a good feeling about this, and he has it too, and it's like...I don't know, we just seem like we'll be really good together. Yeah. Stargirl

2002-02-16T11:05:00.000-08:00

Everything is still good good good. Judy (my cousin) is coming over in a minute to take me to her house. Wheee, yay. It'll be great. I talked to Josh a lot last night. His cousin was over and Josh was talking to his cuz a lot. I'm not one of those girls that is like, no no no, talk to me me me. Actually, I think you can tell a lot about a person by how they act around other people. And he was just being cute and funny. And then they smoked some pot and I was talking to him and, ehhh. I've decided no more talking to him when he's been smoking because while it's fun to hear him laugh soooo much, it's hard to talk to him. Now, if I were there then I could laugh at all those only-while-stoned antics, but I'm not, so, no more talking to him when he's smoking out.

Anyways, I still like him soooo much. He asked me if I thought he wasn't kissable. I was like, what!? And he's like, well, because you didn't really kiss me at school, are you embarrased of me. Oh yeah, I'm embarrased about this guy that I used to talk about all the time, that I introduce as my boyfriend. Uh-huh. How bout no? I think he's one of the greatest things since sliced bread.

I'm so excited about him and us and everything. I just didn't really kiss him because I don't know, I get nervous. He assures me that I have nothing to worry about. His cousin was saying he was ugly or some shit like that and I'm like, no, he's hot as fuck! And Josh is like, really? you really think so? Of course I do.

Haha, he asked me if "that little hispanic kid" (Marcio) was gay. No shit! He's practically filling Duck's place as being our sweetest most loveable most gayest gay guy.

This is just going so great. I don't know, it's just like, I can't see anything bad here. I just feel so...happy and wonderful and great. I want to go and sketch and read and paint and hug and cuddle and dance and just do everything to express how great everything is.

Well...I've got to go get ready because Judy will be here soon. Stargirl

PS: I'm going to just leave up all my posts since the last archive page because I can't edit that stupid page right now, grrr! So I'll just leave up what isn't there and take care of that when I can. Oooh, he likes sneezing! He thinks sneezing is one of the greatest feelings. (I love to sneeze).

2002-02-15T16:29:00.000-08:00

Brilliantly Happy

Ooh, everything is so great. Okay, so, the main points from my written journal last night: "I don't know, he said something and I'm like, 'oh I'm special', and he's like, 'yeah, you are' and I was laughing and he's like, I tell you I lik eyou and now you're laughing? and I'm like, wha...?! and I was telling him how I thought he thought I was some airhead because he was too cute and made me too nervous, and I just giggled all the time, and he's like, I don't get that? you're sexy but you don't see me going tee hee hee all the time" *smirks*

I fell alseep last night so easily, and I woke up today without a problem. Can you believe it? I got dressed all pretty like, my cosmic atom dress and my boots. First break Josh came into the theather and we just sat next to each other and talked and watched people do theatre-y things, and everyone was talking to me. I got out my camera to take a pic of Vivi, and she busts out her camera and wants to take a pic of Josh and I. He slung his arm around my sholders and *sigh* It was cool. Then he walked me to my next class. We hugged, we kissed (a candy kiss, no tongue you naughty minded people). It surprised me that he kissed me, I don't know why. (he's not Bob or Nic, why are you surprised? - Vivi)

Vivi was trying to bargain with me to do her english homework. Ten dollars, I say. "I'll make prints of that picture of you two," she says. Five dollars, I say. "oh, c'mon, I'll get two prints. Brittany, ohmygosh you guys looked so cute!" Either way I'll make sure that she gets me a copy of that picture. I asked her later on and she said yeah, she was behind the camera going "awww!" because we look so cute together.

Second break we were holding hands and his hands are so warm and *sigh* I'm so sprung on this boi. And Marcio kept trying to tell me all this stuff that I did not want to hear and I was like, gah gah. Everyone was like, who's that? This is Josh, I say. Oooooh, they say with a knowing look. He's my boyfriend, I say. Their faces cloud with confusion. Read my blog I say. They nod. Mmhm. Fortunatly practically all the girls in theatre are hooked up with people so I don't worry about anyone.

PE sucked because I forgot to bring a bra and we had to run the mile, I say fuck that and walk. It took me twenty minutes and the teacher said we had one more lap to go. Fuck no, I say, we did it four times (we did). I think she only believed me because I'm really good about paying my fines when I borrow PE clothes. Grrr. Flag football sucked. I kicked the ball and everyone's like, ooooh, wow you're good. I tell them, I'm a fabulous kicker. It's like, for two seconds if I blank my mind and squint my eyes so the football looks black and white I can pretend that I'm playing soccer instead of this shitty sport.

This girl, Mari, is in our PE class. She was in my PE class last year, I called her pretty girl because she was so pretty and cool. But, she was sort of a bitch, well, to me and Jessica anyway. So...she's here again. Apparently she was homeschooled for the first semester. She's not pretty anymore. She's gained hella weight and she has acne and she's still not a nice person (or so I hear from the person who told me she was homeschooled). Grrr. There's just no point to being mean, y'know?

I went with my dad to drive my brother to work and fell asleep on the way home. I'm so sleepy. Gah. Gonna hype up the caffiene so I can go to sleep tonight at a reasonable hour. Judy and I are going out for sushi tomorrow, yum yum yum. It'll be fabulous.

I'm worried that Josh'll get bored of me or something. Last night he was saying one of the reasons he didn't want to ask me out because he didn't want to have some stupid together-for-three-days relationship. I agree. But I worry that he'll be like, ehhh, she's not that cute, she's not that cool, she's not for me. I just keep thinking of Krispy Kreme (the guy in the book Sloppy Firsts). I don't know, he totally reminds me of Josh, I have no clue why. Krispy Kreme has a lot of sex with a lot of gurlies and stuff, and he's all punk-rock-stoner bad kid (who turns good) who wears a Backstreet Boy shirt (think about it. no matter what he wears he's not gonna shock people. But if he puts on a BSB shirt...it's this funny ironic shit that I love). So, I don't know, but at the end Krispy Kreme reveals that he used to listen to the main charectar and Hope talk when him and Hope's brother would get really stoned and it was all just a game to him, a little game to see how far he could drag her along.

I like to think that Krispy's feelings changed when he got to know her, and that he didn't have a chance to explain because the main charectar ran away, but I don't know. I'm just like, such a perfect little punk rock biscuit and he's so badass and it's just like...what if he just gets bored of me, or if he likes someone better or something. I don't know. *sigh* but, I refuse to think about stuff like that. I'll be happy and jump around all day and smile and giggle in laugh. I was dancing around the locker room and Kelly asked me what was up because obviously something had happened with some guy. I told Gisel and she was surprised but happy and even Jacqui (a girl I knew in middle school) was like, "I have no idea what's going on, but I'm happy for you Brittany". (she was sitting in between Gisel and I. Yeah yeah *does a little dance*

Looking on the brighter side of life...Stargirl

2002-02-15T01:16:00.000-08:00

Best Valentine's Day ever. Oh yeah. Josh and I are together, eeeh :) We talked for like, five hours, and we've got this like, amazing incredible energy and....yeah, badass. We were saying how it's funny we got together on a day we both agree is one of the shittiest holidays, and everyone's going to be awwww, how sweet, and then we're going to hit them over the head with a mallet. That has a pink heart painted on it. Oh yeah. See, he called me back and we just talked forever. I went to the bookstore today with my dad and had my old skool usual, brownie frappucino with a piece of snickers pie. See, I'm not boring, I'm retro, I'm trendy. I'm a loser. Yeah.

I read a whole Daughters Of The Moon book. It was interesting because for the first time the story was told from the point of view of someone who wasn't a goddess. Not only was the narrator not a goddess, they're a part of the Followers (the bad guys! yikes!). It makes me miss sneaking out. I miss looking up at the moon and Venus and feeling like they were watching out for me, and as long as I got home while I could still see them they'd make sure I was fine. Of course, I always was fine until finally I come home when the moon is gone. Ah well. But...yeah. I'm going to try to go to Roma's with Vivi on Saturday. Or, rather, Nicole. My parents just can't handle Vivi yet.

I took a shower today and hot oil treatmented my hair and it feels so good :) Yay. I gotta look for my tights because I'm going to wear a dress tomorrow. So...Josh and I talked forever and ever about everything. Maybe I'll write all about it later. I have to do my geometry homework now. Yeah, I finally have incentive to get straight A's, and I'll do it if it kills me. I'll tell you the incentive after I get my A's. 'cuz you know I will.

It didn't even have to rain :) Fabulous. I'd call Vivi and tell her the badass news but I don't want to wake up the sleeping princess like I did last night ;) adios! Star Girl

2002-02-14T20:29:00.000-08:00

Valentine's day is so shitty. Gah. I made all my valentine's, they were fabulous. Like, 20 of them, lotsa fun. I gave them out, lotsa fun. I got jack shit. Well, no, that's a lie. Biscuit gave me a couple M & M's and Fairie Chick gave me four micro-mini snickers. But other than that nothing. It was depressing. I only had two cotton candy's though, because I ran out of money. *sigh* the woe of it all.

So, I got some balls and called Josh today. *sigh* We talked for like twenty minutes before he had a beep, and then my aunt called so...I hope he calls me back. It was cool. He loves cotton candy as much as I do. Actually, I love it four times more. Turns out he's a virgin (yikes!) It was way badass talking to him :)

Duck called me two days ago from Oregon! I three-wayed Vivi and we chatted for a little while. He was calling from his dad's cell phone, oopsies, lol. Turns out there are lotsa queers on the indian reservation, yay. He doesn't live in a teepee (that brilliant politically correct question was asked by Vivi *sarcasm*). My dad's off the phone. Gotta call Vivi and then Josh. Wheee! StarGirl

2002-02-13T18:28:00.000-08:00

Gah! It just deleted all I wrote. Well, basically it said I'm in a better mood, I got my report card (and promptly lost it), I got one F, one D, one C, and three B's. I did some math and if I get straight B's for the rest of this year and next year I'll have a 3.521 weighted. Good good. I ate 5 things of cotton candy in 20 minutes. I am such an addict, you have no idea. It's like eating pink clouds, it's so great :) *sigh*

La de da, not much else, well other stuff that isn't important now because I'm impatient. Marcio wrote Nic a letter telling him how much he has the hots for him. We hit Marcio and tell him, NIC IS STRAIGHT to no avail. Bummer.

I had a crazy dream/fantasy/vision the other day when you're in that state of not-asleep-yet but not-really-awake. It was fabulous and I'll tell it in the same detail I did before because it was that great of a...whatever it is. It can't technically be a dream because I wasn't in REM, and it's not really a fantasy because I'm not controlling it, but it's not a vision cuz I'm not Joan of Arc. So...anyways.

My PE class is outsie but we're all in our regular clothes. I'm wearing my blue flowery skirt and a white tank when it starts to rain. The teacher calls everyone inside but I'm just dancing and skipping around in the rain. I see Josh/Cute Bus Boy walking, so I run over towards him and ask him where is he going. He says he's ditching, the hall monitors don't care enough to get wet so no one's going to stop him. He looks so...hot? Sexy? Gorgeous? Beuatiful? Cute? I don't know, he looked so much of everything. Standing there, hands in his pockets, slouchy in that boy way. His curls are wet, there are raindrops on his long eyelashes. His freckles are wet. His eyes are, as usual, the most amazing eyes I've ever seen. Brown around the iris, clear aquablue for the rest. He invites me along, I accept. We're going and I start skipping. He's not following. I run back to him and order him to skip. Of course he says no, boys don't skip. I grab his hand, it's soft and warm, and tug him along until he finally joins me. We're running and skipping and laughing in the rain. I trip overmyself, as I tend to do and fall into him, he catches me. We just stand there not moving. I twist one of his damp curls around my finger, biting my lip nervously. Close your eyes, I almost whisper. Why? he asks. Because I want you to. Just do it, I say. He closes his eyes. I kiss him. I can feel myself kissing him but I can see us too, like a passerby. My skirt and shirt are wet, clinging to my skin. My hair is down and in that messy/curly way it gets (the ends sort of curl..hard to explain) when it's wet. I'm leaning into him, my hands on his neck, his arms around my waist. We stop kissing, our foreheads are touching, I can feel him breathing. I giggle and pull away. He tries to pull me back to him, but I'm already gone. I grab his hand and yell "c'mon, let's race!". We run up the street. My flip flops are flopping, his Chucks are splashing. Everytime he gets a little ahead of me I grab him, pull him back and kiss him, then pull away giggling.

It was...great. I was hoping maybe it'd rain, but I checked out the ten day fourcast. There's a 10% chance of precipitation tomorrow. The rest of the 9 days have none. *crosses fingers* It'd be great if it rains. At 7 my mom is going to stop making her "your kid doesn't do jack shit in my class" calls and I'll call him up. *sigh* I see him around school sometimes., but I'm too shy to say hi or anything. Imagine that, me, shy. I've thought of a billion things to tell him. My cotton candy obsession, how I got caught sneaking out (or rather, back in), all the books I've been reading, my shitty grades, my wishing for the rain (he loves the rain too. I'll probably leave out *why* I want it to rain. Actually, of course I will). My fabulous new flip flops and my philosophy about flip flops. Mmhm.

I'm getting back to happy. To normal. To that non-depressed state of being where I get sad sometimes but I'm generally cheerful. Or, as Cupcake said, I'll go back to my usual state of being "that glittery giggly fairie going around making sure everyone is happy". I've been singing 80s songs and Grease songs to my PE class, I jump and cheer and giggle and laugh and holler when we make a point, or when we get the ball, or when we throw good, or when our center gives it to the quarterback and the QB doesn't drop it (it's harder than it looks, trust me). And I joke and I go "grrr!" and try to look menacing, which just makes eeryone laugh because it's so absurd. I dance around with my cotton candy, through the hallways of my depressing orange, white, and black school. I smile, I wave, I sing, I giggle, I tickle and talk. Right now a lot of it's fake, but I feel it getting truer and truer. Back to my old self. Yay. Well, I'm off to make Valentine's and take a shower. Ooh, I'm going to take three silly pics of myself so I can get my film developped and S said she's scan it. *smooches* thank you! So, more pics up soon! StarGirl

2002-02-13T15:11:00.000-08:00

So, this whole not writing in my blog thing just isn't working for me. And with this fabulous new layout...I just want to write write write and make everything fabulous. Vivi informed me that my Stargirl link doesn't work, well it does but it's stupid. So, I'm giving you all the links here and I'll just continue to write in here as per normal.

Click here to read the whole story about Fairie Chick, Nic, and how I've become a loner
Click here to read about the fabulous books I've read this month, and my book woes
Click here to read about my partying weekend. What happened at the party, how I got caught, and what happened afterwards
Click here to read about family shiznit

Yup yup. So...let's see, what's up? S just called, I'll write more later.

2002-02-11T17:33:00.000-08:00

If you know what's good for you you'll go check out Vivi's site. I just redid all the html and it looks fabulous, if I do say so myself. C'mon. She's a funny little jew! She'll brighten your day. She's a fucking roman candle. She never says anything commonplace. Okay, so I'm stealing shit from Jack Kerouac now. Give me a break. Just go to her site and sign her guestbook for me, kay? Kay.

Ta Da. Okay, so I finished this month's issue of my life. Here's how it's going to work. Probably every Sunday I'll update the sections and add new ones as needed. On the front page there will be a date stating the last time it was updated. I'm going to turn this page into my archive page. Yup yup. So, now, presenting, issue#1 of Stargirl's life...the first website I've coded *entirely* by hand. Entirely. The utterly fabulous Star Girl Issue #1. Check it out.

2002-02-10T23:01:00.000-08:00

i need something to live for.
something that makes it worth what i'm waiting for.
something strong i hold on to.
something that makes me see you,
something that makes me want to want you,
something that makes me want to fucking need you.
i need something something to live for,
something to give me something to smile for,
something to make me dance under moonlight,
something to let me know that i'm doing fine.

that'd be such a kickass song. i can hear it in my head.

2002-02-10T22:45:00.000-08:00

oh, and cody called me, which is weird as fuck considering he made me cry and all. but, none of you know about that. actually, i checked my caller id and he's called like, five times in the past three days. too bad he's a mean little fucker. okay, he did apologize but still. asshole extrodinaire. can't say anyone's ever made me cry in such a short acquantaince as Cody did. I should type up all the shit that has happened. my drunken happiness. i can't sneak out anymore, which goes along with the whole getting caught sneaking out and thinking that my dad was throwing me out thing. so, no more sneaking out because if my dad catches me again...well, let's just say this time he didn't tell my mom which is the only reason i'm alive. it makes me sad though. now i have to go out and be responsible and shit. i'm used to going out when i want, where i want, with whoever i want, and coming home whenever i want. it makes me sad. i want a cookie.

it sucks to know a whole weekend was gone. all i did was get craig to take me to get a slurpee, in the process of which we kidnapped robin and went to jack in the crack. and i went to the one acts to see the fabulous vivi in her fabulous play. she really was great. i wonder if my parents notice how quiet the phone is. i get maybe three calls a day now, more if miss pink is looking for me. i used to get twenty calls a day. but no, they don't notice.

i came home from the company player's meeting with a button on my shirt saying "be my valentine please" and a big heart. my parents got all excited asking who gave it to me, la de da, so excited that i might be doing something normal like having a boi. sadly, no, i pinned it on myself. they were quite disappointed. my brother thinks i'm so weird. but the funny thing is i could be so different. i could shop at abercrombie and american eagle and i could be a cheerleader and i bet i'd be pretty damn popular. *shrugs* it's just not what i want. the funny thing is when i was in sixth grade that's all i wanted. i dunno, i guess that's what happens when you spend your elementary days with mishka and sperm girl (mishka was very tall and very skinny with very long white blonde hair) or reading on a bench.

speaking of which, i saw sperm girl on friday. her mom buys her cigs now and lets her smoke. her mom lets her smoke pot and buys her alchohol. on saturday jason called me and asked if i wanted to smoke pot with them. 'them' being basically all my old friends. in the olden days i could have done that easily, but if i had told my mom i was going to sperm girl's house she would have freaked out.

so...yeah...i don't know. i'm just being alone right now which is cool because i sort of want it. i like that i don't have to make excuses to get off the phone, i don't have to talk to anyone on the breaks. everyone is mostly starting to leave me alone to read and that's sort of what i want. i sort of get lonely but it's what i want. josh (cute bus boy) called me, as did monte. haha. crazy monte. cj and i have been missing each other's calls. yup...that's basically it. some other time i'll tell you about everything that's happened instead of these ramblings.

maybe later tonight, i dunno when. maybe today, maybe tomorrow, does it really matter when? i'm thinking of stopping this. it doesn't give me the same ego-stroking it used to. i used to rush home to write in here, to let everyone know my thoughts and my actions and everything. but lately all it's caused me is a lot of grief.

dumb shits signing my guestbook, ooh, you're so badass you can't even leave your fucking e-mail? you stupid pieces of shit. i let you get to me before i realized that while you could know me better than almost anyone, you don't know anything about me. it's obvious. first of all, to chris. i have been cutting myself way too long to be embarrased about it now. i point out my scars in pictures the same way i talk about my scars in here. you can't have an online journal and be embarrased about anything in your life. i talk about cutting the same way i talk about my period and sex and masturbation and everything else that is usually not talked about. guess what, i don't give a shit. it's a part of me, it's a part of my life.

and to bastard, jesus christ. i mean, guess what, everyone has it worse than you. if you're homeless and suffering withdrawl symptoms from heroin you're feeling pretty fucking shitty and you have it pretty bad but someone out there has it worse than that guy. if you are abused and raped there is still someone out there that has it worse than you. i don't care who you are and what your situation is, someone out there has it worse. so fuck you. it's like in The Perks Of Being A Wallflower, when charlie is put into an institution everyone feels bad for talking about there problems because he has it so much worse, but he points out that just because he has it one way doesn't make whatever is bugging you any less. and you don't know anything about me, obviously. you think it's people like me who make cutting what it has become? people who started hurting themselves when they were ten or eleven and had no fucking clue what they were doing but they just knew they had to punish themselves? no, it's not people like me. i talk about it like it's something that can't be helped because for me it can't. i've given up. sometimes i'm passionate about quitting and other times i couldn't give less of a damn what happens to me i just want a razor in my hand. and i'd kill to have it.

so fuck you bastard, you don't know me at all. you think you're so high and mighty judging me, how about taking a look at yourself? i may be a lot of things but at least i can look into myself, even if i do over analyze it. what about you? when are you going to figure yourself out? you won't, because you're too busy wasting your time on the internet bitching at fifteen year old girls. fuckin 'a people annoy me. no wonder i like books better.

so, stargirl is a great book, as is sloppy firsts and house of leaves. i've been reading like crazy.... *sigh* i love books, i'm a great big book worm book dork fork me. just fucking fork me!!!!!

damn you.

so...yeah....i'm a big dork. i think i'll stop writing in my blog. i think i'll just make a site that reads like a 'zine that's like, somewhat journal like, a part of my life, you know, updates and stuff but about more stuff. yeah yeah. issue number 1 will be called Star Girl: a star is brightest just before it dies. mmhm. so...i'm thinking of dreading my hair. i know, i know, we go through this about every couple of months, ohh i want to dread my hair. but, i figure on my sixteenth i can cut it to midback and then order some shiznit from dreadheadhq because they are so badass. i don't know, i've heard good and bad about knottyboy, but nothing but good about dreadhead. sadly i can't have my dreads for the ani concert since it's at the begining of march and my birthday is at the end. but i think dreads would be quite badass. and then i think i'd rainbow-fye them or something. yeah. badass. so...hmmm...to dread, or not to dread? if i do i'll have a dreading party where everyone can come over and get free food and dread my hair.

maybe i'll even invite jabby, cuz he's got dreads. and a badass scrunchi. blebabazedawdelabooglemoo. yeah. i hear ya jabby. stargirl

2002-02-10T22:20:00.000-08:00

It's Like Living In A Squat With Junkies

That is what my house is like. You think I'm jesting? No way. We ran out of Pepsi last night. We went to bed grumpy. This morning and all day we were pepsi-less. We were lethargic, sleepy, popping caffiene pills, getting headaches from lack of caffiene. We had no energy. We didn't want to do anything. We snapped at each other. We grrrred at each other. I started screaming for the sole purpose of screaming.

when we finally got to my aunt's house that had pepsi we were much happier campers. la de da. bye. star

2002-02-09T12:53:00.000-08:00

I hate incompetent people. My mother becomes more incompetent by the day. I hate having to act like her mother. I don't have kids because I don't want them, but with her I'm forced to be her mom and my own. Yuck. I was supposed to bring chips for spanish class yesterday, I told my mom to remind me. She didn't. Naturally. I told my parents I had a company player's meeting yesterday earlier this week. I totally forgot about it so it's not surprising that they spaced out, but she's bitching at me for not telling her about it. *rolls eyes* This isn't unusual. We tell her what she has to do when. If she has an appointment, when her TV shows are on, la de da. We have to remind her of everything a million times. One time she said "it's a good thing I have you guys, I mean, I could remember all that stuff, but I don't have to so I don't".

Today she decided to go to the doctor's office because she has a smelly ear and now thinks she has brain cancer. Well, she's all confused about insurance so she sends me on the internet to find it for her. This isn't unusual but usually whenever I find what she needs she goes and looks for it by herself. Today I didn't have the option because my computer's fucking up and won't let me. I tell her to talk to my brother and she gets pissy at me. Then she declares that her sister must be called. I nod okay and go on my merry little wishlist-book-making spree when she tells me to call her sister. Now I even have to dial the fucking phone for her? Is she that incompetent?

This annoys me. But she's been annoying me lot lately so it's not surprising. The olympics were on last night and my mom's saying how look on TV Brittany, these are the best people in the world. The best people in the world. I roll my eyes because while they may be the best winter-sport athletes in the world, that doesn't make them the best people. Then she talks about that one year the US boycotted the olympics and that was so sad because those poor people missed what could have been their only chance at the olympics and politics shouldn't get in the way of things like that. Everything should be on hold for these great people.

Just because they're athletes. Great, so they rock the sport they're in, fabulous. They're not gods, they're not demi-gods, they're humans who just happened to have the right DNA and the right circumstances to go be all sporty. What about other international events that aren't sports. Should everything be on hold for those people? My mom couldn't name any of them so she wouldn't know.

Then she's saying how dare they show something else on TV besides the olympics, that was so rude, la de da. And I don't know how but somehow this book, Fruits, I want came up. It's all just pictures of Japanese Street Photography. My mom asked if I had any examples of what "japanese street photography" is and of course I jump up, not thinking of the consequences that something like this would have. I grab a picture from a magazine which is actually the cover of Fruits and she mouths the words "oh my god". Then she says how it's one thing to be different but it's an entire other thing to be ugly and blah blah.

It's a good thing she thinks I'm pretty otherwise she'd apparently never let me out of the house the way I dress. Because it's okay to dress unusually as long as you're pretty or your clothes are pretty. Then she starts bitching that can't they have prettier more delicate and elegant jewlery for body piercings? Since bod mods are so ugly.

I can't stand her, I really can't.

So much has happened. But I'll type it up one insomnia-filled night. Pixie

I don't know whether to sign this Pixie or StarGirl. By the way, StarGirl is such such such a good book. And the girl, Stargirl (well, it's not told from her point of view but it's about her) is talking about how it's okay to change your name and she's been like, Pocket Mouse and all this other stuff, because your name doesn't always fit you and when it doesn't you should get a new one. I love love love the name Astra, but it doesn't really fit me. And Star is fabulous, and I guess you could say I'm jacking it from the book but every name is taken from something. So. Now I'll sign this Star. Do you like the new layout? Something about redoing html is so calming, even if it is a bitch. Star

2002-02-05T23:07:00.000-08:00

and maybe i'm so afraid. so goddamn afraid that if i tried to get you back that you wouldn't want me. that you would say that you meant all those things the first time. that you would stand there before me and make me cry, and yell at me and tell me that my tears are so unjustified. and maybe you'll pretend to forgive me and i'll smile and you'll strangle me the way you say you want to. and maybe i'll be left once again broken. every time i get broken it seems the pieces get so much more jumbled and just randomly taped and put together, as if it doesn't matter whether i'm whole or not.

i thought i was strong before

I want to say I'm sorry and run into your arms
I need to crumble before you
And let you pick up my broken pieces
Instead I stand tall

i thought that i was strong when i did that. i thought that i was strong enough without him. i thought that i was strong. now i see how weak i was. how things would have been so different if i had crumbled before him and let him pick up all my pieces, carefully placing them where they belong. but what if he didn't? what if i crumbled before him and he left me there to die? what if i crumble before you and you kick me to the ground, leaving me bleeding in a gutter. how do i know you won't? i stare at you in class with your hard-set jaw, and know that you are too strong. too strong for me to apologize to, to strong to take me back.

so i crawl onto the stage and sleep. it is my only escape.

2002-02-05T22:53:00.000-08:00

even people who never frown eventually break down

well la de da for me. sleeping all day is fun. i forgot how nice it is to be depressed and only have to face the world for a few hours a day. actually no, it's not nice at all. i want my old self back. i liked being happy, even if i wasn't all the time. i liked having to face the world for once and feel everything. now i'm back to this state, this shitty place. it's like a motel six with stains on the cieling, that you stare at as you struggle to fall asleep. and all the time you wish you were home no matter how bad it was there.

i just finished talking to Star. i miss that guy, i haven't talked to him in forever. if i ever changed my name i would change it to star. and then i'd name my daughter astra. since star isn't his real name it wouldn't be weird. he wants to see me, i want to see him. he says he's found the perfect girl for me. her name is katie, she's 19...cute and hard working, in college, total sweetheart. butch on the inside. femme on the out. if i were allowed to leave my house i'd go hang out with them. i asked to go to the one acts and my mom said no. my dad asked what they were, and my mom was like, i already said no it doesn't matter what they are. i helped my brother do his math homework.

blah blah blah. what's the point of writing or anything? paco drove me home today and asked me if it's true i'm talking shit about fairie chick. that's funny. people aren't spreading rumors about what i'm saying, they're just saying that i'm talking shit. funny funny funny. i felt really horrible today. it felt like my cervix was punching my uterus and rubbing salt in the wounds. i was curled up in a ball for an hour before i could stand up or move.

pixie
did you ever think that maybe i need you more now than i ever have? that maybe i just need to have my hair brushed by someone who really loves me. but i'm a stubborn bitch and i can't say how i feel. i can't show it either. and maybe you hurt me so badly with your words that stung my soul that maybe i'm just too afraid to say anything to you...too afraid that you'll just say more things to hurt me? i'm too afraid to talk to you and that's why i'm the way i am

2002-02-05T15:15:00.000-08:00

Watch Out Adrian, She'll Rape You

Quote of the day from my brother. Thanks Adrian. Well, I'm not going to get in trouble because my dad hasn't told my mom yet. And since he hasn't told her yet he can't.

In other news, I'm quite depressed. No one's talking to me besides S and Vivi. I ditched PE today with S and Nick (pretty boy...he was in my careers class last year). I've been writing in my regular journal. But I just can't write in here. This is so...distressing to watch myself like this. I get up in the morning after not being able to sleep at all, I put a top on over my pajama top, pants and flip flops. Which is why I had to ditch PE. No bra, no shoes. Bummer. I sleep in all my classes and copy what homework I can. I come home and watch TV (something I never used to do) and read books I've already read a hundred times.

I'm officially depressed. Blah. I think it's the weather. When it warms up I should be fine. I always get like this this time a year. I hold myself back from cutting too much, and I'm fine. All I've got is a dull safety pin *desperate laugh* because I threw away all my razors and I haven't even got any Schicks. Haha. I'm funny. Adios. Pixie

2002-02-04T16:13:00.000-08:00

Worst Pad Thai Ever

This pad thai is the worst pad thai I've ever had. Considering that I've only had it at three different places it's not saying much, but I am sad. They're skimpy on the chicken and no almonds. You just can't have pad thai without almonds. Ten bucks of my money down the drain on stupid pad thai. Well, I'm happy I got it, but still...

I'm tired right now. I'll tell you all about my weekend later.

2002-02-03T16:03:00.000-08:00

Oooh, and I had crazy dreams, oh my gosh. I remember waking from the first thinking that it was so fucking weird, but I don't remember it. The second one I was staying in an all girl open hotel with no walls (that's The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath contributing to my dream). And...it was like...a bitch to get into my room. But the point is...anyway. So...everyone was there. I forget who...was it Brandon? Brandon was going on walks with Fairie Chick and with Nic and letting me what was going on with them (fuck, I'll tell you all about that confusion later), and Chicago was there. Except, he wasn't as cute as he is in person. Well...I was so trying to get into his pants. Like, mondoly. I guess this is what happens when you have drunken dreams - you have a drunk persona in your dreams. I can't help that I'm a horny drunk (although I can honestly say that I didn't even kiss anyone last night). So...he wasn't digging me, but one day at breakfast he's all, I heard you were going to try to rape me or something (kiddingly), and I told him I've been trying! I run around in skimpy clothes and skimpy undies, I'm always touching him and rubbing him and biting him, I don't know how to be any more hitting on him! So I told him I had given up. He winked at me and said that I shouldn't do that. (btw, as much as I dislike Britney Spears her Pepsi commercial is good, really really good). So...we go to the hotel and we're getting undressed in different rooms (I don't know why?) and he comes in my room with a towel tied around his waist and he's like, I'm not changing clothes unless I get head first. We started kissing and it was really hot when we thought we heard something. I shoved him into the closet :) This girl comes up and says she heard something...no...noo....she opens the closet and sees him there and just laughs and leaves. Whew. Well...since he's already on his back and it's a big fucking closet we start making out, and it's really really hot. Then we hear giggling. We open the door and there is this big crowd of people. Awww, fuck 'em. They say everyone's going to go out. I'm getting ready and just nothing will fit and nothing looks right and everything is dirty and it doesn't help that the closet I'm looking in isn't my closet with my real clothes, it has my dream clothes, in my dream sizes, but I don't have the dream body to go with it. Chicago leaves because he says fuck it. I finally find something to wear and go to the party.

There all these guys are hitting on me and all these guys are hitting on me, so I finally yell out *I'm Fifteen!* Finally I do and I get kicked out, because it's an 18+ party only. Fuck 'em. But Robert pulls up, my savior, and offers Chicago, Jah Love and I a ride. It was really weird because I was trying to get into Chicago's pants without making it weird, lol. Well, in the end I didn't. Grrrr. But it was a crazy fucking dream.

Oh my gosh, at the party last night there was this raver girl and she was just dancing and dancing and dancing. It was so Lily. Classic...totally classic. I just watched her forever. But, I gotta go. Pixie

2002-02-03T15:48:00.000-08:00

I got caught sneaking out last night. As I was driving home my dad saw me. I'll give more details later. Last night I went to Roma's with Vivi and Cody apologized, then Robert and I went to a party, I got drunk and smoked some pot and managed to take care of myself quite nicely. I called my uncle and cousin to see what to do (my dad was on his way to go running and he wasn't about to not run because of me, I'm sure). We all decided that if he doesn't tell my mom then I've got a good chance of living. And if he's knowing about my brother spending the night at people's houses with boys and girls and not telling....then...who knows.

So, I snuck out my window and put a note on the door for him saying "please please please do not talk to mom about this, talk to me first. I swear as the script for American Beauty as my bible I will explain everything. Just talk to me first, please". And...when I woke up this afternoon my mom hasn't said a word. When he gets home I'm giong to be like "hey dad, want to get a movie?" and we can talk. The sooner the better of a chance I have of him not telling my mom. The thing is, it's impossible for me to get off Scott free for this. But he can't reallly punish me without my mom knowing. *sigh* But...hopefully it'll all work out.

I guess the last time my uncle talked to my dad, my dad was like "dude, how's brittany? Like...how's she doing?" Ever since last year we haven't been close. I still refuse to take responsibility about that. I lied *once* and said I wasn't cutting when I was. But...can you blame me?

Friday was really shitty and Cody made me cry. But I'll tell you all about that later. And adress my motherfucking guestbook. Pixie

2002-02-01T17:30:00.000-08:00

a new found glory

ooh, it's been a whole day. the highlights of my day were...being really fucking cold, AJ licking my neck, spending second break on the stage in the theater all by myself (until Vivi and Char appeared with Shane-news. Shane and Vivi traded sweater and jacket for the day, but now Shane won't give hers back. I gave her an excellent plan which she agreed was most fabulous, and then completely forgot about the plan when she saw Shane. It must have been all the emotion. She leaps after him yelling "give me my fucking jacket!"). I just didn't feel like being around people. I can feel myself getting more depressed by the moment. It's weird watching myself like this.

I also got my journal taken away by my hampster of a geometry teacher. I was on the edge of laughing hysterically at how high her eyebrows would raise were she to read any of it, and crying because I have just lost one of my four most prized possessions (my other three being my older journals. okay, so I havemore prized possessions, but those are up there).

In PE we're playing flag football. I forgot to bring a bra. Why wasn't I wearing a bra? because I was wearing my cherry dress, boots, and shredded thigh-highs and tights as a top. First of all, I can't wear a bra because the way the dress is cut, secondly I don't really need it. I entirely forgot about this until I was taking off my dress. So I buttoned up my sweater and hoped for the best, becasue there wasn't anything I could really do. Football sucks. You just get angry that the wind snatches their flags from between your fingers and you want to tackle them. But of course you don't want to get RPCed.

My mom called from Big Dog. Saying she'd be home whenever and she was out with a friend from work. My mom doesn't have friends, especially from work, and she never goes out. The last time she went to a bar (I assume Big Dog is some kind of bar-place) it was because she thought my dad had cheated on her pre-marriage and she got fucking drunk. From the woman who gets VERY tipsy on two glasses of wine. I should be worried, but I'm not.

La de da. Vivi is sad, I'm sad. So I'm probably going to grab some alchohol to take with us tonight. We are going to Roma's with Nikki. I'm taking the 10:20 bus up there. If anyone in Vegas has nothing to do tonight you should come. It's Roma's Cafe (a coffee shop) at Trop and Maryland Parkway next to 7-11. Really. I'll be the girl in big boots. Really, it'll be fun. Josh wasn't on the bus today, which means I shall never see him on the bus again. And since that was the entire exsistence of our friendship it basically means I'll enver see him again. But, the good news is that now I'll probably get to sit by myself.

Just look scary. Normally it doesn't work. But...actually...today and yesterday it didn't work either. Yeah, so, we're going to roma's. nothing more, nothing less. I hope it's not super fucking boring because Nikki'll be there. Vivi and I looked at each other after she invited Nikki to come with us and had the exact same thought: shit we have to get a social life so Nikki doesn't think we're boring I'm going solely for the purpose of having an excuse to chain smoke, to drink my own alchohol, and to catch a glimpse of Angela or some cute boi I can hit on. Mmhm. Yeah. I wish it was 10 already because I'm ready to go. Ahhh! I need to get out of here.

I should go play my guitar. But lying on my bed listening to Linkin Park seems so much funner. Actually, I'll take a shower. I was talking to this girl in PE about how much fun it is to wash hair. You think I'm kidding? I'm not. Washing your hair is fabulous. Absolutely fabulous. I want to redesign my blog. Need to find some cool pic. I'm thinking something along the lines of "A Star Is Brightest Just Before It Dies". But I think I may be subconciously stealing it from someone else's blog. ehhh.

adios. Pixie

2002-01-31T22:28:00.000-08:00

i just kind of run away

I'm sad. Which is surprising, because good things happened today. I decided not to be a cop out and stick with spanish, as much as it kills me. I mean, I will only get a half credit since I failed last semester. But...ehhh. We blew things up in chemistry. I ate some good curly fries. I got a package from my uncle today. Four books (all of them I've read with the exception of Gather Together In My Name by Maya Angelou, which is such a good book. I wish I had read I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings first, but, it happends), two magazines, thirty bucks and a note.

Went to Miss Pink's house and read my book. When we're together we usually just do our own thing and talk every now and then. Came home...my mom came home and I guess today in her class they were talking about prejudices. She was surprised that she had so many. Prejudice against poor, prejudice against rich, prejudice against queers. Lots more, but I only paid attention to half. My dad cooked pasta, which I love. My mom bitched "why do you cook food you know I don't like? Do I cook food you guys don't like?" I didn't say that she always did and always does make me eat green beans, especially fresh ones, when I despice them. I can almost handle canned french cut ones. But fresh ones. *shudder* I love so many veggies. Broccli, asparagus, artichoke, cucumbers, carrots, lettuce, corn, potatoes. But she has to give us green beans. I also didn't point out that the three of us really like pasta. My dad always have, I did when I had a chance to eat it (with my uncle), and my brother does (which he is just finding out now). It's three to one lady! Three to one. I get jibbed on what kind of pizza we order because of two to one. So there.

See...a good book, a good dinner. A fairly good day. I ate breakfast this morning and was so alert all day. I was amazed by the way my family can live a completely TV show life, so normal, while I'm in my room. I'm an outsider looking in but that's okay. My mom thinks I like to hang out with "weird" kids and thinks I'm "antisocial". That's so not true. I don't mind not being a part of my family.

A good day. But what's the point of a good day if you don't have someone to share it with? Someone to call on the phone before you go to bed just to say goodnight. Nic isn't talking to Vivi or I. Apparently something about wanting to get over me so he's removing himself from everything Pixie-related. This makes me sad, but I understand it. *sigh* I'm playing a game with someone right now. It's just a little game, they just don't know who they're playing it with. I realize that eventually the game will end, or they will find out who I am and then the game ends anyway. But...it's fun for right now.

The point is that *sigh* I just want someone to be with. Is it really so hard to find someone? We already know I have strange opinions of cute, so it's not like they have to be gorgeous by anyone's standards. Just smart and funny and nice. Who gets along with my aries persona, *lol*. I'm such a typical aries, which is by no means a good thing. But...at least I'm a typical something. pixie

2002-01-30T21:43:00.000-08:00

Cut - by Patricia McCormick

"I thought it was my fault," I whisper.
I glance at you,then away. You look worried.
"I think everything's my fault."
"What else is your fault?"
"I don't know, everything."
blah blah blah about family
"Has anyone told you that these things are your fault?"
"No one has to. I just know."
"Does anyone punish you for these things?"
I shake my head.
"No one?"
I look up at you. You still look concerned.
"What about you? Aren't you punishing yourself? By hurting yourself?"
I don't understand. "No."
"Then why do you think you cut yourself?"
"I don't nkow. It just happens. I can't help it."
You furow your brow.
"I know it's bad," I say. "I gues I do it because I'm...bad."
"How are you bad?"
"I do'nt know. I just feel like I'm this bad person."

in case you ever wondered. this book says it all.

2002-01-30T17:28:00.000-08:00

5, 6, 7, 8, don't run away 'cause this is fate

Today was good. My counselor wasn't coming in until 8am (school *starts* at 7:15) so I didn't get my schedule changed. It was sooo unbelievably cold today. Everyone was seen walking around bundled up in huddles. I got a B in world history and a D in geometry. Both classes were boring. I never went to PE so...*laughs* It was just too cold, way too cold, to be standing around outside playing flag football. Hell no. So...S and I ditched. We went to her house and then to Port of Subs to get some grub. She let me listen to her Veruca Salt CD. The one that I lost. The one with my theme song. Volcanoe Girls. No, really, I've been thinking about this. And were I to have a theme song (ala Ally McBeal first season) it would be Volcano Girls. It was quite badass hanging out with S. She makes me laugh and we were just cracking up, singing songs. After lunch we went to her house, she fucked around on her guitar and I layed on her bed. I miss hanging out with her as much as I used to.

We had to come back to school, so I grabbed But I'm A Cheerleader (the movie) to borrow and we went to school. Where we proceeded to lock her keys in the car. I thought it would be okay, because I always forget to lock the car door. Of course that was the one time I had remembered. *groans* But, I had to run and catch the bus. Instead I ran into my brother, so we went to wait for my dad. La de da. My brother had a good first day of school. Ran into a lot of people he knew back in his middle school days.

My dad and I went and sent my uncle my hat and went to Barnes and Noble, where I bought another Moon Goddess book and stole a fiction book called Cut. I also started reading this really badass book called Pure Sunshine. It starts off with these guys taking an acid trip. Pretty cool. I should have stolen it, but I didn't have the foresight to. So now I owe my dad fifteen bucks because he didn't take me to get my check cashed. And because he didn't take me to get my check cashed I can't go to the movie tonight. Bummer. I am dissapointed about that.

We came home and I popped in my movie. My dad thought what he saw was pretty good. He was laughing. My dad is much more open-minded than my mom, he just doesn't know it. Then they were going to the movies so my mom started putting on her shoes and stuff and started paying attention to the movie (before she had been playing a computer game, dead to the world), and she was like, "God Brittany! Do we have to watch movies with girls kissing girls? Where did y ou get this!?" I told her I borrowed it from a friend. She rolled her eyes and said, "Of course, god forbid we know which one of your friends is bisexual but you can force your homosexuality in our faces". I shrugged and said she didn't know any of my friends anyway so it didn't matter. Of course she assumes if I have a movie with queer people in it I must have gotten it from a queer person. Because everyone knows that queer people only watch movies with queer people in it, and straight people only watch movies with straight people in them. And if you dare to watch a movie with queer people in it you're "forcing" your homosexuality in everyone else's faces. Fuck her. I mean, jesus fucking christ, for someone who is proud of how open-minded she is she sure is a closed minded bitch.

Sorry, it irks me. Bleh. Well...I'm off to do my homework like the good straight A student I want to be *smirks* who never ditches class *shit eating grin* no matter how cold it is outside. "You are the perfect drug the perfect drug the perfect drug...". Pixie

2002-01-30T00:35:00.000-08:00

the more I give to you, the more I die

Or so Vivi thinks. Wait wait wait, isn't *she* the one that slapped me!? Hard! Isn't she the one that pushed me off my chair in chemistry? That bitch! I'm kidding, I love you Vivi! Even if you did eat half the kit kat that *I* earned. In chemistry we only had like, two absences, and it's senior ditch day. Half the class was talking about how they were leaving after the class, which shows how much respect everyone has for our teacher. He kept sending Vivi out of the room (apparently looking for an elephant fetus. Sure sure. Some G dawg tried to say the elephant fetus was in his pants but Vivi's a smart girl, *laughs*

I've decided that I like any music I can dance to. Whether it's Nine Inch Nails Perfect Drug, or New Found Glory Hit or Miss, I don't care, I just want to dance. But I won't ever dance to some bleach blonde tanned implanted gurl. No no no. (Sorry, I just found a really great internet radio station. Lots of NIN. I forget which group...possibly snake river conspiracy? Well, the guys found their chick because she was a stripper lapdancing to "closer", and that was so badass they had to have her.)

So...chemistry was fun. Our teacher's wife's class came in and we played elemento (element bingo). But Vivi and I just started singing showtunes because...well...elemento is only fun for the first half hour. La de da. Jessica got these really great new pants. Her hair! Oh her beautiful light brown hair. She was trying to dye it redish but left the dye on too long (well, she fell asleep, it was an accident) and her hair is like, practically bleached. So she wore these purple sunglasses that can only be described as...groovy...to detract attention from her hair. *giggles*

In chemistry my final grade is a C, in spanish it's an F and in english it's a B. In spanish I danced around and sang show tunes and told everyone about how I was getting the fuck out of there. In english we got new seats. I don't sit next to anyone I really know, but I do sit next to Nikki who is pretty slinkster cool. So...that'll be fun. I decided I didn't want to sit next to Josh on the bus. Because, if he thinks I'm a giggly airhead at least he won't think that I'm stalking him at the same time. But...I had to. Oh he's so cute :) Oh, and I talked to Jessy and she said Danny and Kelly can totally do surface piercings. So I'm going to get two on the back of my neck. Gotta set that up.

Came home and took a nap. My brother didn't get registered today because it was just massive chaos at my school. So, he is technically a drop out. My cousin Judy called me. She invited me to go to eat with her Saturday morning, just me and her. I agreed. My mom thinks that she wants me to babysit. She's like, why on earth would she want to go eat with Brittany? She must want her to babysit or something. Blah.

I told my dad that Robert would come with me to Ani and my mom's like, who is Robert? I said, "he's a boy, so he can protect me from the big bad lesbians, but he's gay so you know he won't touch me". My mom says "don't kiss him". I'm like, would you kiss a girl? She's like, ewww ewww no. I'm like, that's how he'd feel about kissing me. So, I'm telling them about him, y'know, maybe they'd want to know who he is, how I know him, or why he's coming with me to Ani. No, my mom goes back to reading her book in spanish and asking my dad for help. I'm like, fuck this, y'know. As I'm leaving the room she's like, so who is Robert? Leave me the fuck alone! Stupid ignorant close-minded fucker. It happens.

I'm talking to Vivi about checking out the indie film and my mom's like, what movie are you going to? I say an indie flick at the dollar theater. She asks how I'm getting money and I say dad's taking me to get my check cashed. She's like, when is he doing that? She makes me want to pull out my hair! I mean, my dad and I had just been discussing the plan for the past half hour. It's not like she wasn't in the same room or anything. Gah.

I've decided I love the movie Natural Born Killers. I just read the script and it's soooo good. "Oh, are you flirting with me? when i get mad and i get pissed i grab my pen and i write out a list of all the people that won't be missed you've made my shitlist". Bam bam bam, kick some ass. Oh yeah. Great script, I can't way to see the flick. La de da, indulged in my little Charles Manson obsession. It's not really an obsession, it's just a high interest. I can't help but be fascinated with killers and killings and murderers. "well mate, technically, I'm a mass murderer, not a serial killer". Charles Manson, Marilyn Manson, Marilyn Monroe. *smiles* I don't particularily like Marilyn Manson. I mean, I don't dislike him, I'm pretty neutral. It's like, if I can dance to it great, I'll d/l some MP3's, but I'm not going to buy any of his CDs (keep in mind I don't have any Ani CDs and I love her). I just really like what he has to say. And his makeup is so badass.

Yummmmmm! I've been in such a crazy mood lately. I need to buy new bras. *groans* I've only got three that I fit now. This is bad. I'm almost 16. Chicks on my mom's side of the family are notorious for getting stacked when they're 16. I don't want big tits! Josh said that Cody was a dumbass for giving a girl who slits her wrists a knife. And he said it was stupid and crazy how people can hate themselves. From the kid who hanged himself. Oh well, I'm working on it. Slowly but surely I'm working on it.

Waffles are so yummy. When Sperm Girl's grama drove us to school (from like, third grade on one of our family members drove us to school and one of our family members drove us home...her grama did it in middle school). I used to walk to her grama's house and her grama would make her waffles in this perfect state and SG would eat them and I'd have a few bites. And every weekend when I spent the night at her house we'd head to her grama's house (her grama lived behind her) to get some waffles for the morning. Or for the night. Big chocolate homemade milkshakes, waffles, macaroni and cheese, powerpuff girls. This like, defines my entire friendship with this girl. Oh, and lifeguards, and the pool. And slut power.

Remember kiddos, no regrets. Don't regret anything, because every little thing makes you who you are today. Every little thing. Pixie

2002-01-29T00:39:00.000-08:00

trigger hippy

*yawn* I just got home. I'm really sleepy but I feel sick and I can't sleep. Like...my stomach hurts and I'm naseous. I've been listening to my body more and my instict more and stuff...because I think that's really important. People could know so much more than they do, but humans just repress their instincts. So, I try to keep myself open to these feelings. I get really worried sometimes because I will just have awful feelings and wonder if I'm just being paranoid. Like, the other day I was walking home from Miss Pink's house and just, this terror washed over me. Complete and utter terror like I've never known it before. I went and sat down on the sidewalk for a few breaths and contemplated what I should do. The closer I got to my house, the scarder I got. So...it's like, maybe something is happening to someone in my house right now and if I don't hurry something horrible will happen. Or, on the other hand, maybe I have this feeling to keep me away from my house and I should stay away. Inner conflict. I got home and nothing was amiss, so I can only assume that it was irrational or something happened to someone and they're not telling me. Because I couldn't sleep I decided to come online, check everyone's blogs, check my e-mail and make sure everything is okay. Everything is fine, I just feel sick. Probably just dinner or something ;)

Yuck, I was so slothenly today. I sat around and watched trashy TV and ate and ate and ate. Yuck yuck yuck. Other than that, nothing really interesting happened. My parents don't like me going to the Ani concert alone, but that was solved later tonight. Vivi wanted to go to Roma's and said her sister would pick me up and take me home so I decide sure, I'll go. They pick me up at ten and we get there. It's packed because poetry readings just ended. We were just in time to see Angela on the stage. *sigh* Her head is shaved again. As people started leaving we snagged a table. Cookie was there and we went and bought cigs. I've been smoking too much this weekend. But, it happens. I only really smoke when I'm stressed out or when I'm really thinking or when I go out or when I just want one. But, this weekend I smoke too much. Blah. We sit down and I see Robert. I saw him the other night at Roma's, but he was with a guy, and I haven't talked to him in so long I didn't want it to be awkward. And, as Vivi put it, if I went to go talk to him I might get in the way of him getting laid from that guy. So I decided not to. But tonight Robert was there again and he was all by himself. Cookie knew him and called him over. We said hi and chatted.

It was a mellow sort of sad night with a few good laughs thrown in. Robert's looking for love. I'm looking for love. Vivi is sad about Bob, and Cookie just goes along with the mood. Turns out he likes Ani. I asked him if he was going to the concert and he said he wished. Problem solved. I invite him to come with me, gee he'd love to come. So...now I won't have to go alone which will make my parents happy. And, it'll be with a guy, so he can be all buff and protect me (haha), but he's gay so he won't hit on me. I'll talk to my dad about it tomorrow. We go sit on the couch and this Abercrombie guy comes over and it was just sort of mellow. Right as Cookie is setting up to read my tarot Sayla shows up, so I come home.

Here I am, look at me! My brother starts my school tomorrow. :/ It's not going to be a big huge deal because we won't have any classes together. The only class we have that's the same is Chemistry, but I'm in honors and he's not. And he'll hang out in the courtyard, I'll hang out in the theater, but...I just don't like him around. On Wednesday my dad's taking me to get my check cashed, mail Gama's hat, and get the Ani tickets. I'll probably get him to take me to Hot Topic to check out the clearance rack (and I'm thinking about getting some 4 inch platform 14 eyelet boots for like, 35 bucks, but...I don't want to get them just yet) and to stop by Barnes and Nobles to get a few books.

Hmm...that's really it I guess. I really like Morcheeba. And Angela is so pretty. She's got such a cute smile and she's such a fucking awesome poet. Oh...Robert. He's not Robert the guy I used to have sex with, he's Robert that S and I were pretty cool with from youth group. Oh my gosh, Vivi gave him Nic's number and told him how great and gay he was. As a way to get back at Nic for giving the guy at the gay bar her number. The guy actually called, and gave the number to a friend of his, who also called. But...I know Robert and he won't call "Nikki".

I think I'll go to sleep. Nothing seems to be amiss so I'll just take a few advil and head to bed. Pixie

2002-01-28T16:52:00.000-08:00

Rock Star

So it's been all of two days...ooh. Well, Saturday night I watched the movie Rock Star. It was pretty good, but Jennifer Aniston is too old to play the rock star girlfriend. She's in that age range where she's gotta be the older sister or the aunt or something. Not the girlfriend.It put me in a good mood anyway. A party mood. I call Vivi and she can't because her parents are stupid. We contemplate options and finally come up with a plan involving her sister. Her sister decides to help us get Vivi out. Yay!

So, I get dressed as fast as I can and *run* to the bus stup. I am not about to miss it again. No way. I'm so out of breath. I wait and wait and finally the bus comes. I get to Viv's place in like, 10 minutes. This is a nice change from the 30 it usually takes me. Her sister takes us to Roma's and lo and behold, who do we see but COdy. We say hi and he comes in with us. It's pretty much dead. THe four of us sit down on a couch. Cookie comes over and sists with us too. It's going pretty good, we're all having fun. Then Vivi's siser is going to go clubbing and wants to take Vivi home. After all, she promised her parents she wouldn't live Vivi alone at Roma's. Well, after we swore that we would take care of her and that Cody would give us a ride home, she does just that. We're just hanging out, and eventually it gets to be that time. They're closing and we have no where to go, which is so depressing. We go outside and try to come up with a plan. These two older guys come out, they know Cookie. We'll call them Cowboy and Other Guy. We all introduce ourselves. Other GUy says it's good to know the name of the girl he was fantasizing about. I laugh and say once he finds out how old I am he won't be so eager to fantasize about me. He finds out I'm 15 and assures me that what he had in mind wasn't illegal. Of course I'm intrigued. Tell me, I say with a smile.

He says "I was dreaming of you sitting in between my legs, your back facing me. I would have a brush in one hand and would be brushing your hair." I laugh. I talk to them for a while. They're in their early 30's. Cody is off hitting on Vivi and Cookie comes and goes. Somehow Rocky comes up and I tell them about how I played Janet my second night. Cowboy looks at me with a face of recognition and disbelief. "I knew I'd seen you before!" Oh my, talk about a small world. Ugh. He was there that night, of course. At 1am Vivi say shs ewants to go home, Cody offers us a ride. I don't really want to go home, but she won't leave without me. Finally we agree that we'll drop Vivi off and Cody will drop Cowboy and I off at Rocky. Bye Vivi!

The discussion on the drive is about how Cody doesn't think I should be out so late. Because I'm small and "perfect prey" and don't even carry a knife. I"m a little insulted by this. I don't think I'm invincible, but I certainly think I can handle myself pretty well. He drops us off and presses his knife into my hand, insisting that I take it. *sigh* I do. We go inside and I sit in a chair, just hanging out. I hug Scott :) This guy in a green coat and awesome rockabilly shoes comes out. I start talking to him. He asks me why aren't I watching the show? Is Rocky not my thing? I laugh and tell him that I played Janet my second night at Rocky, and it's so my thing. So, we're talking and he says I should join the cast when I see the movie more. Turns out his name is Douglas and he's the new guy in charge of Rocky. He's supposed to turn it around and make it all badass again.

Jenabe was there taking pictures, Robert played Rocky, Marshall was Frankenfurter, Scott was Eddie, of course, and Lester (the cappy) was Riff Raf. Sarah was Brad. I don't know Sarah personally. My first night at Rocky she played Rocky. I've also seen her do Frankenfurter and Janet. She was playing Brad and was good at that too. Afterwards I'm just hanging out and I go to breakfast with them. Oh my gosh, it was so funny. We were laughing the whole time. There is this story, it's Marshall's story (well, not his personal story but he knows the people it happened to), and I had heard rumors about the story so we finally coerce Meghan into telling us what it is.

It's this story about a gay guy picking up a guy at this bar. We go home and the guy is like, fist me, so the other guy is like, okay. And they're going at it and the fister is like, freaking out "dude, your ass is like, coming out of your ass". The fistee assures him that it's fine and tells him to keep going. The fister is like, "No, really, your ass is coming out of your ass!". I don't know if this is just Marshall's opinion, or if this was actually said, but apparently it was like "a blossoming flower". Meghan ordered a French Slam for breakfast which sent us into a laughing fit. The rest of breakfast-conversation was about strange things found up people's asses. *grin*

Then this guy Mike came in, and he and Robert are obviously not cool with each other. At one point Mike was like, "Shut up Robert, why don't you go fantasize about Jude?" Robert is like, looking like he's about to kill someone. This guy slides the pile of silverware away from Robert (which Robert had slid away from Jenabe because she was throwing forks at Mike, lol). Douglas ushers Jenabe, me, and this other guy out. He was our driver and didn't want to be around if there was a fight. He drops Jenabe off first, then the other guy, and me last.

He's asking me to tell him about myself, and la de da I do. We were talking about me possibly doing Janet in the future. I don't really want to talk about it, but let's just say that he likes me. A lot. In a let's-get-it-on sort of way. And let's just say that I'm not going to go there.

New plan for my hair. Instead of cutting it Josie-style I'm going to keep it longish. Just cut about a foot off, so it's like, 2/3rds down my back. And then I'm going to bleach it and dye it green. I've also been contemplating bod mods lately. Implants or surface piercing, and I saw the most awesome thing ever. It's a surface piercing of a star. You can see a picture of it by clicking here. I have those undies! So, anyways, isn't that badass? I was thinking, hmmm, maybe I'll get a star done inbetween my shoulder blades. I e-mailed this guy who got a ladder of surface piercings going up eitehr side of his back and asked him about it, and he said that it would probably migrate quickly because of how much tension there is in that area of the body. That's true. So now I'm thinking of just getting a double nape surface piercing. You can see a fine example of one by clicking here. Hmm...must talk to Jessica about whether or not her piercers can do this. I've got a hundred dollars now so I can afford to get it done.

Today is monday, we had no school. I spent the entire day in front of the TV watching That 80's Show, Grounded For Life, and some other show. Eating ice cream and cookies and chips. Oh yeah, I'm ms. fitness america.

I'm going to go check out Hot Topic's clearance rack and Savers. Any money that's not spent will be kept in the Vivi and Brittany Party Fund. Which will be turned into the Bob Moves To West Virginia Ice Cream and Alanis Morisette Fund. That way our biggest problem won't be money anymore. The theater where they show Rocky is supposed to start showing indie films. On Wednesday is the first one. I'm going to go and check it out. It should be fun. I was going to drag Vivi to the 11 showing so we could make a party of it, but I didn't realize that it was on a school night. So I'll probably just see the seven o'clock one. *laughs*

Oooh, I'm so going to the Ani concert. My dad just has to buy me my ticket. My parents still don't like the idea of me going alone, but whatever. Everything's going good money-wise. Well, actually no, we've got the same amount of money that we had before, but our house will be paid off soon and then we'll be much more comfortable. The end is near, and that's what makes it all better.

Three things I forgot to mention. In my Monroe dream, Marilyn had cuts going all up her calves. It was so...sad...because she was so beautiful. *sigh* There's this part of one of my Truman Capote books where he and her go to a funeral and he just talks about their conversation and she calls the queen of England a cunt. *laughs* Also, in my mom's little class they wanted like, signs of what you are. Like...I forget how to explain it. My dad said american, money, and stability. My mom said money, family, and safety. First my brother said superman because he didn't understand the question, but then said money. I wasn't in the room to hear all the answers, but when I came in they asked me and I said the arts. Anything artistic, paiting, sketching, acting, dancing, literature, poetry. What about money? They ask me. Fuck money. It's not so important. It just buys me tickets to the Ani concert. Pixie

2002-01-26T19:30:00.000-08:00

Those Who Fall From Grace

You will never guess who called me today. I was up for a while, took a little nap in the afternoon. Got a check for a hundred dollars from my cousin Liz. My brother has one too. That's the Christmas present she called to get our adress for. It's almost unbelievable because she never gives us Christmas presents. My mom was like, no way, my dad was like, no way, I'm like, no way. It's so....strange. So, that was way cool. Went to the store and got some Chocolate Fudge Brownie ice cream. Come home...play a lot of tetris. Out of curiosity I go and check my caller ID. There is a name...it is so familiar. I contemplate who it could be...it is so familiar to me. Finally, it hits me. CJ. CJ! I call him, he's not home.

This was quite a weird situation I found myself in. I mean, CJ. In Vegas. He's supposed to be in Idaho in college. Oh my. Later he calls me. Oh gosh, his voice. I didn't recognize him at first, I guessed Cody, Brian, Justin, old friends, old people. Finally I realize it's him. It's just so...unbelievable to me that it's hard. We talk for a while, just catching up. He's in Vegas to work, he's not in school anymroe, he might go back. But for now he's here on a permanent basis. Living with his parents and brothers and sisters, of course. He was cooking pasta. He was talking about how much he loves little kids. We just talked. This has left me very...unsettled. All these old feelings rushing back, you know? I'm so confused. What now? I mean, I keep telling myself, Pixie don't be stupid. Pixie remember what he did to you. But...that was over a year and half ago. It was a long time ago. People change. People make mistakes. I don't know, I don't know. I just can't believe he's here. And I was just talking about him in here what, not even two days ago?

That's basically it...I just had to tell someone. So I decided to tell strangers, lol. But...oh my. We'll see what happens here. Pixie

2002-01-26T14:26:00.000-08:00

Do You Know What To Do When Their Are Six Forks In Front Of You?

Last night Vivi wanted to go out, I did too. We decide to go to Roma's. I sneak out at 10 to catch the bus, no bus in sight. Okay, I start walking and singing songs to myself so I don't get bored. This homeless guy asks me for money. I give him a buck, my bus money. I'm thinking, hell,I won't need it. He starts talking to me. I'm polite, and he's rambling on and on and on. About how he wants to go skiing and how he's a muscician and how he's been in Vegas four years and it's so hard to find a place to stay. Just on and on. For fifteen minutes. By now I just want to yell you have my money! Leave me alone!. I see a bus. I apologize and say I'm goin to miss my bus. He grabs my wrists and gives me this little speech about how I'm a good person and good things will happen to me. I pull away from him and go running after the bus, missing it. Of course. This angers me so much, stupid world, stupid karma. Well, I'm not really angry as much as I am disappointed and frustrated. I try to do a good deed and I miss my bus, making me even later than I already am. It's these little things that set me off. I start singing the Cabare theme song at the top of my lungs. I finally reach Marilyn Parkway. As I walk across ap arking lot this guy stops me and asks me if I have any money, he needs to get a hotel room. I'm like, fuck no! I give him the Cliff Notes version about how this homeless guy made me miss my bus but it didn't matter anyway because I had given him all my money and now I don't even have bus money to get home. He gives me two bucks. I try to say no, I mean, I've got a place to sleep at night, I've got friends to go to. But he wouldn't take no for an answer. I finally get to Vivi's house, where she was waiting, looking especially pretty, and off we go.

This car stops by us and asks if we need a ride. I immediatly say no. Vivi tells them to meet us at 7-11 around the corner. No No No. I try to get her to just go to Roma's but she is inistant. We get there and ask 'em to buy us cigarettes. They comply. We make small chat and it comes out that we're 15. They wait in their car for us. I knock on the window in order for them to *roll down the window and give us our shit*. Vivi opens the back door and gets in to the car. *hand to forehead*. They hand us our cigarettes and we find out that they're also going to Roma's and offer us a ride. Okay, no problem. It's right in front of us, we shrug and agree. Then tey say they need gas.There's a gas station right here. Oh no, they don't take credit cards. Vivi and I exchange looks. We're in Roma's parking lot and they're like, no no, we just want to get gas. I'm thinking, I know there's a gas station on the other side or Roma's that does take credit cards, okay no biggie...but Vivi flips and is like, Fuck no we're going to Roma's. She does everything but attack me to get out of the car. Roma's is packed, not a seat to be found. We see Cookie and chat with him. Turns out he's waiting for Jabby.

If you don't know, Jabby is Vivi's new best friend. That night at Roberts when they left to get taco's Jabby was selling something or another, so they bought it. Then when she was buying a pregnancy test for her sister she saw him again outside of the store. Okay weird. Then yesterday when she was walking home she saw him again! And she's like, are you stalking me or something? And he's like, dude I was just going to ask you that. So they chat and he puts his number in her cell phone. So, we're thinking weird right. When we're talking to Cookie she's telling him about this guy and she's like, yup, that's Jabby. And Cookie is like, no way, I'm waiting for Jabby! How crazy is that? We buy our coffee and go outside. Jabby and some friends of his show up and we hang around outside smoking and drinking and listening to them play guitar. It's getting pretty cold. We go inside and spy an empty table. Cookie comes over and sits on the ground next to us. His friend comes over too. Cookie leaves, and we invite his friend to stay.

His name is Cody, and he seems erally nervous and anxious. Scared, actually. I call him on it and he declares it's just his mannerism. He asks us if we know what to do with six forks next to our plates. No my friend, I don't. He said he did when he was eight. It's just the way he was raised and that's just how he is. Hmmm. Okay. He's strange but crious. He writes plays and stuff so I ask him to write me somethin. He writes me this poem on a napkin, which is going on my closet. It goes like this:

I could; pick you up
Or I could pick you apart
I could bring you joy
Or I could break your heart,
I could be silent and
Forever hold my peace
Or I could reach
Into your soul and
try to find my release.
I could take what I ant
Or I could want you too much
I could look into your eyes or
I could look an not touch.

Muy cool, eh? So, Vivi writes a poem on a napkin, which was a shock because I didn't know she wrote. Of course she does, lol. I write one too. Just one off the top of my head. I wish I had written another copy. :/ Roma's closes, we all depart. Cody pretty much makes it clear we're not getting a ride from him.
Vivi: So, you drive? Where do you live?
Cody: Over there
Vivi: really? I live right around the corner
Cody: Is that your way of subtley asking for a ride?
Vivi: *laughs* No no, I live right around the corner why would I need a ride?
Pixie: *sits here and thinks I don't live right around the corner and that Cody bastard knows that*
Cody: *laughs* Okay, that's how most people try to get rides. Oh you drive? y'know.
Pixie: *thinks: bastard*

We seperate and go on our merry fucking way. He comes chasing after us. Yay, maybe he isn't such a bastard at all. Oh no. He wants my number because we offered to do a read through for his play. Fucker. But...always trying to expand my circles I give it to him. He didn't know my name, lol. But it's okay. I didn't know his either :) I go to my stop and as I'm walkin gthis guy smiles and says hi. He looks nice, clean cut. Not hitting on me. Safe. We're sitting waiting for the bus and he seems genuily nice. He's surprised when he finds out I'm fifteen (isn't everone? *shrugs*) He says I probably don't have any problems from the cops or anything. I say nope. He asks me if I want to go to the casinos. No no no. He knew it was a wild card when he played it, and there were no hard feelings between either of us. The bus comes, he pats my leg. Ick. On the ride we're talking. Subtle touches here, glances there from him. Lesson of the day: everyone has their own agenda and everything is a trade off. He gives me a good lesson in philosophy, I give him a few taps on my knee. The bus finally stops and I realize I'm two stops away from where I should have gotten off. It happens. Maybe it's for the better, because he'll think that's my stop.

It was actually, all in all, a really fun night. I love Roma's. Just the atmosphere, you feel like you know everyone. And everyone is so unique. So bad ass in everything. And it's like, you look your whole life trying to figure out where you belong. You finally find your crowd in middle school. Everyone finds their crowd in middle school. But everyone changes in middle school and your crowd doesn't fit in high school. Just subtle things let you know that you don't belong. You find your new crowd, for me it's the theater, and everythings great. And then you find Roma's, and it's like, all your favorite people hanging out there. It's just like breaks but no school involved and you can smoke. And it makes me feel better, because I know that my uncle used to hang out there when he was in Vegas. He probably sat at the same places that I sit, with the same kinds of people I sit with. And that's really cool. Pixie

2002-01-26T10:33:00.000-08:00

It's hard to remember what is a dream and what is not. You wake up in the morning and go, no way, do you think Biscuit still likes me? But then you realize that it was just a dream, not reality. I had interesting dreams last night. It started off with me going out somewhere with friends. Just to eat and stuff. I got home a little late and my dad was angry. He thought that I was lying about where I had been. I was so angry at him that I forced him to drive me to all the places I'd been that night, so that he would know I was telling the truth. In my next dream I was in this cabin with all the theater kids. Everyone. I went to go get some food, and there were a few other people in the kitchen, including Biscuit and Madison (Madison is this girl I used to dance with. Total sweetheart, she was great). I went to the fridge and rummaged on the bottom, Biscuit rummaged on the top, I rummaged on the bottom. He was stroking my head. He dropped something and bent to pick it up, we just looked at each other. He kissed my ear and left.

La de da, just hanging out. Then there was this river, like, a moat, but a clean cool one, and everyone was floating down it. Biscuit convinced me to go around with him and we were just going, teasing each other and stuff. Then everyone dissapeared. I asked where they went and they said they had gone "balding". I had no idea what it was so they explained it to me. You go to movie stars houses and shave off their heads. I went looking for them, it was night time. As I walked I saw this woman in her back yard. This beautiful etheral being. So white and goddess-like. I realize that it's Marilyn Monroe! Of course I have to warn her. I go and tell her what they're going to do to her. She is really upset by this. I'm standing on one side of her back gate, she's standing on the other. She invites me in and we sit at a back table. She asks if Fairie Chick was in on it, because Fairie Chick is a personal friend of hers. I confirm and she sighs, just really sad. We start talking. Of course the kids show up eventually. I go back there and tell them that if they dare touch one hair on Monroe's head I will hang them by their entrails. They are sufficiently scared and leave. I talk to Marilyn and she's so...everything you'd imagine her to be. The police show up and I assume that they found the kids or something. Sadly, they didn't. They tell her to sit down and she's like, what do you need to tell me, tell me. And the guy was like, I think we better wait for my partner and she's like fuck you, I need to know. Her cousin died. She starts bawling in my arms, I just hold her. She gets up and pours herself a drink, thinks better of it and pours it, along with the bottle, down the drain. And then I woke up.

Last night was full of craziness, but I'll write about that later. I think my parents have been talking about me lately. I made it a point to wake up early today, at 10, actually. My mom was like, so glad to see you up (not sarcastically), my dad gets out of his shower and says the same thing. He's like "she got up, she got up, see baby your daughter got up. She's growing up! she's almost sixteen". My mom almost sadly said "yes, she is". Hmmm, wonder what that means. *shrugs* Can't wait till I'm 16. Sixteen is the official you can go out with your friends and have fun age. Well, for me it is. My brother's was whenever he wanted.

2002-01-25T14:55:00.000-08:00

I've Never Known Completeness

I just finished the most intriguing good book. It's called the Descent by Jeff Long. It left me with the feeling I had after I finished my first Dean Koontz book (which, if you're curious, was a masterpiece titled Intensity). It's too complicated to really explain the plot. It's sorta sci-fi, except instead of going out exploring worlds in space, our own earth is explore. These horrible cruel creatures, human in species but descendents of Satan, inhabit the subplanet of earth. It's so good. I started reading it yesterday and stayed up into the morning reading.

My tests today were quite easy. Much easier than anticipated, which is always a good thing since I didn't study at all yesterday. I was too busy reading. *holds her dorkiness out for everyone to see* Geometry was loads easier than I thought it would be. Loads. I so appreciate that. I don't know if it's easy because the teacher made it so it wasn't difficult, or if it was easy because I took the time to concentrate. I'm reall good at math...it's just a puzzle and you can always figure a problem out, whether or not you understand the concept behind it. So, that was cool. PE was easier than I expected too.

I love Marcio to pieces, but I just want to pull out my hair sometimes. Okay, it's not that bad. But he gives like, a million hugs a day and he's always got to be in the spotlight, he can't just ever retreat in the background. I'm sure it's just from hey, being at a new school, new people, lots of queerness, lots of friends, everyone loves him and no one is putting threats on his life so you know...it's just a lot of energy to take. But sometimes I want to tell him to chill.

In PE Vivi was trying to get me to go hang out with her, Nic, and Bob. She also let me listen to her badass Caberet cell phone ring. "come to the cabaret, old chum..." It's great. But..I'm tired, I'm sick, and my dad had to take me to the post office. Not that he ended up taking me, I'm out of money for the week somehow so I can't afford to pay to have the hat shipped. Gotta wait till Tuesday. Ugh. But I'm sure Gama will understand. Also, the bus ride home with Josh. Never want to miss that. There are always birds around the school, it's something you just get used to. Living in trees in the courtyard or in the gym or wherever. But today I realy noticed them in the quite of the test-taking gymn. Just chirping away, oblivious to the fact that they live in a high school gym. Or maybe they like it better that way. I don't know, if you have a choice I suppose it's not really captivity. When birds come in from outside they fly around like crazy and we all sympathize, poor bird can't find it's way out. Maybe it's not trying to get out at all, maybe it's flying around in triumph for getting in. Things change when you change your perspective. I've been thinking about that lately.

So, I hop on the bus with Josh and we talk about how great it is to be Friday. You know, yay yay midterms are over. Dude, he's got an Atari. Can you imagine? We talked about video games and slurpees and favorite kiddie cartoon shows. Somehow it came up, I'm not sure how but he assumed I was a slut. I was so surprised, like, oh my gosh y'know? He's known me all of ten days and surely hasn't heard anything from anyone else about me, so on our short bus ride chats he assumes I'm a slut. Golly. I told him I might be a slut from a catholic nun's point of view, but not really. He was like, didn't know you'd get mad. It didn't come up as a question...but I don't remember how it did. He was also like, I wouldn't trip out if you asked me if I was a slut. So I did, of course. That is such bait. He said he wasn't a slut. That's not enough for me, of course. I asked if that meant he didn't sleep around at all or he didn't sleep around a lot. He said he didn't sleep around a lot. Hmmm...

He poked fun at my many...umm...how to put this? Unique characteristics. Yes, my unique charecteristics. Like shrugging and casting my eyes upward, or saying I don't know, or giggling, or folding paper. Oh yeah? Well...he says "anyways" a lot. So there. *goofy grin* He complimented my boots. Orgasm. Anyone who loves my boots is good in my opinion. Actually, they're great in my opinion. Finally his stop came and he was like, yay, get to get off this bus. I faked being insulted and was like, yup, away from the crazy girl. He just looked at me and was like, no, it's not like that at all. And off he goes.

My dad talked to my counselor and said there was nothing we can do about my spanish class. Nope, I refuse to stay in that awful class. So, I'm supposed to talk to Ms. Drama and talk to Senor Spanish and then go talk to my counselor and see if something can be worked out. I got a strange call from a man at my brother's girlfriend's house. I gave him my brother's cell number and tried to call my brother, but no answer. I just talked to him a second ago and told him about the incident, he revealed that it was Vanessa's dad but said no more. Told me how sad his teachers were to see him go, all the good things they said about him, one called him bright. And not bright like smart, but bright like good morals. Unnn. Last night at dinner my mom was bitching about one of her classes (yes, it is that time of year again for universities to start their new semesters and to life with much less of my mom around) and the class is on diversity and stuff, and of course everyone looks at my mom and sees a middle age middle class white female and assumes that's all she's ever been. They say she doesn't understand what it's like to be mixed. Uhh, she has two mixed children. They say she doesn't know what it's like to be poor. When they got here and her sister was on welfare, the foodstamps for two were used on a family of six and they were eating better than they had their whole lives. They say you don't understand what it's like to live in the south. She's from Mississippi. So, as she's telling us all the things they were saying and how wrong they were and this and that she's talking about her life and how she's experienced so much of everything. As she's saying all the different environments, prejudices, etc that she's seen it goes something like this: "blah blah blah, my kids are mixed! My daughter is bi!". My brother's sitting right there. Of course I don't care if my brother knows, I don't really give a damn if anyone knows. He'd have to be stupid not to think *something*. I've got an upside down triangle sticker on my closet, along with a thing that says "dyke", he's seen my rainbow patch and rainbow wallet, he questioned why I was reading Maxim and I gave him some half-truthful answer. He knows I've got a lot of queer friends. But it's never been spoken in front of him. Not ever. It's always been this thing kept on the downlow, like if they didn't say it it wasn't true. So, it was really weird.

I've been meditating a lot lately. I need to do it more. Every time I start I become more happy, and then I stop because...y'know, I get busier and stuff. But, I have been and thinking about all those deeper things and the deeper things in my life. That's how CJ came up, that's how the birds come up and other such things. Finally I thought about Robert. I contemplated it, I turned the situation around and around in my head, looking at it, figuring out. I feel like he treated me badly, but at the same time I miss it and I miss him and I want him, and all this stuff. Weird emotions attatched to stranger symbolisms, and finally it hits me. I know why I can not want him and want him at the same time. I know why I feel like he treated me badly and I know why I can miss him and need him and feel so kindly and goodly towards. I won't tell any of you, because it's one of the few things I think should be kept private. Ha, that's funny. There are now two things I have deliberatly not talked about in here. I hope you understand, a girl's gotta keep some things to herself. My mom said there are some things you should go to the grave with. I've never been the kind of person to go to the grave with anything, I'm not cut out for that sort of stuff. But, this is one I won't tell the whole world at least.

I'm going to go get a slurpee. Pixie

2002-01-24T12:01:00.000-08:00

I Come When You Call

Today was pretty good, my friend, pretty good. English test was fairly easy, except one section I knew nothing about. But, it happens. World History test was a little more difficult, but again not a mondo problemo. Kristen wanted to come home with me, mostly just to see Josh. I waited after school in the quad...and waited...and finally deemed I was going to miss my bus if I didn't haul ass. Off I go. I had to sit next to Casi, this girl I used to know who never liked me. Bleh. Her stop is the first stop, fortunatly, as I went to sit back down I realized that Josh was right there where I was standing, so I sat next to him.

We talked a little, not much. I'm too shy around him. Way too shy, so there's not a lot to say. He was wearing these badass boots. I don't know what my problem is. If he was interested before he probably isn't now...golly.

My mom has been really angry lately. She and my dad are always fighting and all she does is bitch. She bitches at me for what my dad does and it's like, I have no control over him woman, why don't you talk to him? I don't know why she gets so angry. Like, I really think she's just going to explode or something. I'm going to go clean up the house so she's not all grrr grrr when she gets home. pixie

2002-01-23T22:08:00.000-08:00

Who am I? To be vying for your touch?

Took another nap today. That's the nice thing about being sick, you get to nap. But that's bad when you need to study for midterms. So...Vivi and I divided the English and e-mailed each other so I just have to go over my english notes and try to memorize 'isms' since I bombed that test. Bleh. Then I want to look over my world history notes, but I don't really ahve to do that because it's an open-note test so I can use all the notes anyway. I really just want a good book to curl up with. Hmmm...I tried to get e-books from my library but...it's so fucked up and won't let me. Grrrr. Stupid library website. So...I'll go find some book online. I never finished Pride and Prejudice. I've decided to start reading more classic literature. Some of it I really like (Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice), some of it I really hate (Black Beauty, yuck), but I want to be more well-read. Ha. I'm the most well-read person I know, actually. The only thing is that I like to *have* the books that I've read, so I can go back and read them. Memorize them, know them. I actually considered maybe just getting books for my birthday, but...I need that membership to the gym. Gonna lose some weight and have a cute little figure.

I looked in the mirror and didn't recoil in horror. I sadly traced the lines of the scars on my body and had no urge to create more. I think maybe it'll be okay. That's such a good feeling, like the end of a good movie, or like a sunset. You just feel that it'll be okay. That feeling reminds me of CJ though. Sunsets too. Every day after work he'd go up to the top of the slide and just watch the sunset, this happy goofy grin on his face. God I miss him, I miss that. I miss seing his tan, lean body leaning over the railing, staring into the sunset. I miss his hair bleached blonde from the sun and too much chlorine. I miss the freckles on his shoulders and the crystals and mirrors in his beautiful blue eyes. What makes me truly sad though, is that no one I know now ever met him. Paco never met him and probably doesn't remember him. Even Fairie Chick...I don't think she ever knew who he was, what we had, or what happened to him. I miss being able to just be me, to be able to laugh and be stupid and be me. He never wanted anything more, he just wanted me, whatever that was, whoever I was. God, I still remember the way my heart felt like it was being torn out of my chest. I still remember the feeling I had while I waited for him to get home. When I called Sperm Girl and she said she had to go. But I heard someone in the background. I still remember the phone call I got, at 8:57 in the morning, I sat right here in this very chair in front of this very computer and the phone rang. I picked it up and sat sideways in the chair. The first thing I hears was "I love you Brittany, you mean everything to me, you know I would never hurt you I love you more than any one you're like a sister to me I'm so sorry I'm so sorry". My heart just stopped. I just crumbled. I cried all day. I cried in this chair, I cried on my bed, I cried on the way to Miss Pink's house (she was at my house when it happened). I cried as I called CJ to get his side, I cried as I called Sperm Girl to get her side. I cried and cried. I came home and cried myself to sleep. The hurt in that day was so...intense, immense. I guess that's what happens when you feel so strongly for someone. But...maybe I'm strong enough to feel that way again. Maybe I'm strong enough to handle feeling that way, to handle being hurt that way.

Vivi doesn't think Josh is cute at all. She says he dresses cool and looks sort of grungy, but isn't cute. Fuck her :) I like him. I just wish I didn't act the way I do around him. I feel all tired and dizzy and tipsy, like I do when I take too much meds. Not good, but...better than bad. Well...mis amigos, I'm going to go now. I just felt the need to write. Pixie

2002-01-23T11:45:00.000-08:00

Shiver Shiver Brrrr

I'm home early becuase of midterms we have half days. *does a little dance* So...midterms, ha! First I went to chemistry. At first I was doing well, then I started doing bad because I didn't study as much as I should have. It happens. We had three essays (which he assured us weren't worth a lot) and I had no idea what any of them were. So I bullshitted all of them and on the last one I wrote a little note to my teacher. Mr. F, why do you have to make it so hard? And I explained to him about how my medication maks me fall asleep so I didn't study that much and does the school charge for drool stains in textbooks? I hope he gives me sympathy points, or you're cute points, or gee you're funny points. The bummer thing is that we only have one ten minute break. So...I'm just hanging out in the theater when Miss Pink comes in...with Josh. She asks me if she can borrow money and I say sure and we chat a bit...the bell rings and off we go. Spanish was easy. So easy :) I didn't even read the test, I just filled in answers and I didn't even do the essay. Everyone was stressing out and it's nice to be able to know, fuck, I fucked myself over long ago so I don't have to worry. Went and got on my bus...sat next to Josh.

We just talked and I was like, sorry I'm so stupid around you. And he's like what do you mean and I'm like...I don't know, you're just too cute and too cool and you just make me nervous so I act all stupid around you. He asked me how do I normally act...I don't know! Just less giggly and less stupid. I don't know, I'm usually not a shy person at all, but he makes me shy y'know? Mmmm...it is so weird for me to be like this...I can't remember the last time I was. Even with Biscuit and Jah Love and stuff. Maybe because they were so take-charge I guess. I mean, the day Jah Love found out I liked him he was licking my ear and stuff. So...who knows, who knows. I have no idea if the me and Josh thing will go anywhere. I doubt it, he probably thinks I'm just some giggly nail biting airhead. Who reads a lot. And likes lesbian music. *laughs* Hmmm.

After school I came and started writing in here but Miss Pink called me up wanting to go to the store. She wanted chicken pot pies that she had at Amber's house, and she didn't know what kind they were so would I please come? Okay...I go over, John (the cute friend whose car I left my wallet and lost my sweatshirt in) came and picked us up and we go to the store. Get the shiznit. Miss Pink was like, I want starbucks so we were going and she asked me if I was going to get anything. I laughed and told her I couldn't afford a habit like starbucks. Then she changes her mind because she can't afford it and wah wah and I'm like, just take us there John I'll cover it. She was like, I thought you couldn't afford Starbucks. I can't, but I don't mind getting my friends stuff. We give the guy our order and he was like, aren't you getting anything? I said nope, he asked if I was just along for the ride and I laughed and said that I was along to pay for Miss Pink. He laughed. We got our drinks and John covered it because he said he felt bad for me paying. We go home.

I make her her chicken pot pies because she can't read instructions and I don't mind doing it. She was talking about how cute the guy was and la de da and me and John were like, why didn't you get his number? Why didn't you give him your number? But she's like...aah. So...she gets the phone book and I call them up and I'm like, can I talk to the blonde? The guy who answers is all confused and puts me on hold. Then I'm talking to a girl and I ask her if I can talk to the blonde, she's like, do you know his name? I laugh and say no, that's why I'm calling. She asks if I can describe him better...he's the spiky haired blonde. I get put on hold again. Finally I get the guy and I'm like, are you the spiky haired blonde? He answers in the affirmitive. It's the same guy who answered the phone, his name is Rob. I tell him that I had come earlier with my friend...I was the girl who paid for her friend but didn't buy anything. He was like...oh, right. I tell him that my friend thought he was cute and could we get his number? He said he was never at home so I gave him Miss Pink's cell number and he got our names and that was it. He asked why didn't she give him her number earlier and I tell him she thought she looked like a scrub and whatever. He said it didn't matter, I agreed.

Now I'm here, at home. I need to study for english and world history. Blah. I wish Miss Pink would start doing things for herself, because she'll be on her own one day and she needs to know how. I mean, she made me make her chicken pot pie. The instructions only had three steps! Preheat oven, stick the pie in, and cook for an hour. I mean, jesus christ. She always complains about how bad she has it but she's not getting emancipated. Her 18th birthday is in two months and she's not moving out. She wants to stay so she can get a DVD player and christmas presents and stuff before she leaves so she won't have to pay for things like that. That's so infuriating. She talks about how bad she has it, but she won't leave. If you'll stay for a stupid DVD player then it's not that bad. She was saying how broke she is and it's like, you're broke on your own terms. She's saying how she has no money. She got like, 600 bucks for christmas and she spent it all. If she didn't she would still have money now. But she spends all her money on clothes and stuff. Stupid BeBe shit that she only wears once. It's so infuriating. Bleh. Well, I'm going to stop my bitching and study. Pixie

Eeep. I gotta go with Miss Pink to the store. finish later.

2002-01-22T20:33:00.000-08:00

Josh

I'm sooo sick. Blah. I've studied just little bit and then I fell asleep. Josh called me while I was napping...so I called him back, we talked. Talked about Miss Pink and movies and stuff. His sister seems really cool, but it's kind of strange to have her commenting to like, everything we say, *laughs* But she's funny so it's cool.

Hmmm...yeah, I don't know. I still like him. He's so cute and nice and stuff :) I can't help but like him. We shall see how this progresses. Pixie

2002-01-22T14:39:00.000-08:00

Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough

Today was an a-okay day! Thank goodness. Whew. Yes. Get up...I'm pretty fuckin sick, but you know, it happens. Go to chemistry...pretty miserable in chemistry because I'm so sick and the class is so long but at the end Vivi was cracking me up tons. First break is just...y'know...whatever. Spanish we had a test. I just guessed. Why bother? I'm not even going to study for my midterm. My parents are expecting an F and I did some math and there's no way that I can change that, no matter what I do, so...I just read my book and said fuck it. Second break I just walked around with Vivi and Marcio to see if I could find Josh...to show them who he is and what he looks like, but he was not to be found. English I spent with Jessy and Fairie Chick...I got a C+ on my paper, and I could change it but my grade would only go up one percent, so why bother (btw, I have a 73, score!). Fondled Jessica...she kept biting my shoulder and I'm like, eep! You can't do that :)

Hurried to the bus...got there, sat down. La de da. A few seconds later Josh gets on and plops down next to me. We talked. He ditched with Miss Pink today and he was like...eep...I was like, I know, I know, I can only handle her in small doses. I guess she just kept talking about me and stuff. He was like, if I hang out with her any more I'll know everything about you. He saw my arm and my leg and asked me about it. I told him it was me being stupid. He agreed. He had a Dexter's Labratory watch on. My powerpuff girls watch is so much cooler. He still won't let me paint his nails. I got his number and he was like, about my sister getting your number, I didn't tell her to do that...she was just like, "i know you like the girl on the bus so here" and handed it to me. To which I replied that he didn't even call me! He was like, dude, you have no idea. He got arrested and had to spend the night in jail :/ Smoking pot and got caught. So...we just talked. I giggle way too much around him. Like, ten times more than I usually do, and I'm a pretty fucking giggly kind of gal. We said adios when his stop came, and he was like, you're going to call me right? Because I'll lose your number.

*yawn* So, a nice ending. I've got my chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and ani difranco radio. I really want to go to the concert, but I don't want to ask my parents for the money, but it's like...how many times in my life will I have the chance to see Ani fucking Difranco? I mean, I've read so much stuff about her concerts. In so many books. For example, in the book Hard Love by Ellen Wittlinger, this kick ass dyke says about Ani, ohmigod she is so incredible. Her voice is like a razor. She's a poet, really. She writes this beautiful stuff that just blows me away, and about the concert, A cloud of smoke swirled through the crowd as we jostled our way outside, everybody lighting up as soon as they hit the lobby. All around us people were calling to each other, pushing past to reach old friends, or maybe they were people who barely knew each other, but now, metting at an Ani conert, they recognized each other as soul mates. It was a very good concert, and I had taht after-a-good-concert feeling: the world can't be such a rotten place if I'm surrounded by this many people who appreciate the same artist I do. The music had been loud and exhilarating, and I was definitely an Ani fan now. I felt like I'd made some kind of electric connection with her, but then everybody else must have felt the same way too. ALl around us people seemed really wired as they came down into the lobby. .

How can I say no to an opportunity like that? I can't believe my dad would even offer to buy me a ticket. I mean, after the last 'concert' stunt. Well, I'd be going by myself. She has mostly a dyke following, and S doesn't like her. Actually, besides Ashes I'm the only person I know who likes her. But then again, I love her :) Okay okay, I'll have to go. Did you really think I'd say no? It's Ani fucking Difranco. She's...brilliant...great...she's 5'2" and giggly, wiggly. I love all of her songs and all of her music, lyrics. I love her looks and her clothes and her lyrics and everything about her. I've heard so many MP3's of her live...and it's just so graet. of course I have to go. So...a good day. Pixie

2002-01-21T21:02:00.000-08:00

My Brother's Jeans

Today was spent being with my mom and being sick. Yuck. I was going to get all dressed up tomorrow, but...in light of my sickness I opted no. Vivi and I decided that I should go for that dressed down cute jean look. So...I go look for a pair of jeans. Fuckin a, it's been a long time since I've worn jeans. Well...not since the night of the "concert" when I was at Roma's and ripped my favorite jeans. So...I go a'lookin through my closet. None. I try on every pair of jeans I have, some I had back in the seventh grade, of course none of them fit me. Not even the pair I wore when we were painting for the haunted house. I fit into them in October! Shit. I only weigh like, three pounds more than I weighed a few months ago. Blah. So...I even got desperate and asked my brother if he had any old pants that didn't fit him or he didn't like. Of course he's got some, and they fit me, but they're boys pants and you can tell that they are.

I'm going to go be sad and depressed and cry. Shit. I know it's my period, and I know that I'm sick and I'm tired and I feel like shit...but goddamn, y'know? Goddamn. Bye. Pixie

2002-01-20T23:33:00.000-08:00

Wicked

I just finished watching the movie Wicked. You should check it out. It has incest, sex, murder, and Julia Stile's nipples (well, through a tee shirt, but we take what we can get), and a fucking great soundtrack (the snake river conspiracy and kittie, with some other rockin' bands. too bad they don't sell the fucking cd). I love movies like that, so sensual and sinister that you just can't not like it. Like Cruel Intentions and Poison Ivy (well, I don't really remember that movie, actually. I just remember watching it when I was a kid and the girl using liquid eyeliner to make her lips black and going to a party. Of course I stole my mom's eyeliner and tried it out. But, black lipsitck never looked good on me. Or maybe it was a different movie, I don't know. I like to think it was Poison Ivy).

I also found the most beautiful model. She's so...gorgeous. You can find her fantabulous photos here. She's so pretty.

I was getting along quite well with my mom tonight. We cooked taquitos together, drank grape soda together (I don't know if I've ever mentioned it, but I *love* grape soda), and talked. She found out that my brother used to suffocate me with pillows. *shrugs* I just always assumed she knew. She brought up the idea of me possibly starting a restaurant, since I love to cook, I'm pretty good at it and I've got a good business head. Paco can make my desserts :) Hmmm....a possibility.

My brother wanted to spend the night at his friend's house. My mom was being nosier than usual (well, more than she usually is with *him*, anyway) and asked who was staying. Turns out it was basically everyone he knew, including gurls. Ooh, big deal. Of course she said no. My dad was ehh..supporting it. I have a feeling that he knew my brother had done this before. I say whatever, I mean, what can they do at night time that they wouldn't do in the daytime? And that is such a heterosexist idea. Do I feel bad for my brother? Only that he told the truth. He should have lied through his teeth. Duh. But, whatever. I'll never be allowed to spend the night at anyone's house except for Miss Pink. Oooh, me and my bisexuality.

Did I mention I found a pic of Angela? Angela is this girl I met my first time at Roma's. This is what I wrote about her: "And then Angela shows up and everyone seems to know her. She's so pretty. She has a shaved head, her septum pierced, and the prettiest smile. She also writes kickass poems. So we were all just talking and basically...hanging out." Ohh, I forgot about this, I got my tarot cards read by this guy she knew too. Intersting. Part of what he said was "I'll become who I want to be when I put my foot down and say 'no, this is what I want' and the real me will come out". So, anyways, I found a picture of her in the Bugle (the queer newspaper for Vegas) so I cut it out and now she's on my closet. She has hair now, but she's still sooo pretty. :)

I guess that's it. Mmhm, adios. Pixie

Wait, I was just thinking, my mom handles me pretty well. I mean, she's a bitch and I still dislike her and can't wait to leave her, But, she handles the way I dress and stuff pretty well. There's still clothes that she doesn't know I have, but all in all she's pretty good about it. I really need to get all my art stuff scanned. Do they have scanners at the library? I don't know, I'll go to kinkos or something and get my three notebooks scanned along with some new sketches. Bye.

2002-01-20T15:07:00.000-08:00

it's hard to come up with a lie, isn't it?

Words spoken by my mom this morning. Surprisingly, there was no fight, no accusations, no me getting caught sneaking out. I woke up at 2pm today, and my mom's like "what time did you go to bed last night??" I'm confused, since she was awake when I went to "bed". I say early. She's like, what time? I'm like...ummm, I don't know, early? And she's like, it's hard to come up with a lie, isn't it? Then she says I can't sleep in until 2pm and smiles at me. I warm up her pizza because my brother left it cold, and all is well?

Yesterday was quite the strange day. Vivi and I were trying to call everyone we could to see if we could borrow ten bucks because between the two of us we only had two dollars. Call around...no one, nothing. We just wanted to go to Roma's and hang out, but you gotta have coffee. Two poor mans mocha's would be six bucks, and you gotta have cigarettes. That's 9 bucks. And I needed bus money to get there and back home. Finally, we give up calling people and decide to just go and think seperatly. I go online. *dun dun da dun* and there is Andrew. Andrew....hmmm....what to tell you about him? Well, he's my brother's friend, he goes to my brother's school, and I've known him forever. He was a part of "the boys" of Andrew, Timmy (Miss Pink's brother), Mohammed, and my brother. They were inseperable until they hit high school and went to three different schools.

I talk to him forever and finally he agrees to give me the money, yay! I tell my parents I'm going to Miss Pink's to give her something. The thing about Andrew's house is that it's so close in distance. The other thing about Andrew's house is that unless you hop a wall it's not so close. I hop the wall and don't kill myself. I haven't done that in years! Go to his house...his dad answers. Hi! Can I talk to Andrew? He invites me in. He introduces himself as Andrew's dad, he introduces Andrew's mom and Andrew's little brother. I just smile and smirk inside because of course I've met his dad and of course I've met his little brother and his mom used to drive me to school when I was in first grade.

Talk to Andrew for a bit, go through his wallet, he's got some pretty ex-girlfriends. He gives me the money and asks me where we're going. I tell him Roma's and invite him, he says sure. I go home. I had stayed a lot longer than planned, so I had to jump the wall. It is much harder to jump the wall going from his house to my house because the ground is lower on the other side making it go up past my head rather than to my shoulders. I use a tree to help climb up and get leaves and stuff in my hair. Go inside, my parents notice the leaves. I blushingly confess that I fell in the greenbelt and my mom blames my big pants.

My dad wants to watch a movie with me but...then I'd be up till 11:30, which doesn't help the plan of leaving at 10:30, so I decline and go to bed. Get ready, call Vivi, turns out that Claire and Nic are coming. Cool cool. Get ready. Andrew picks me up and off we go. It was a big surprise because Claire, Shane's ex, is not who I thought she was. This entire time I thought she was someone else, and then it turns out to be this girl. Hmmm. Quite weird.We just hang out and be stupid. Then we decide to go drinking with Korn, but we ended up at Denny's with *our* waitress. She's such a cool waitress. She brings us pie heated up with free ice cream. She let us use her cell when Vivi's wasn't working. She has fabulous high fives and she's usually there when we are. Last night was her last night, she's going on a big ass vacation. We left her a mondo tip and talked to her bunches.

In the end it turns out we're not drinking with Korn and we go to Nic's house. I fall asleep. Vivi watches a video of Bob's first time on stage. It was so crazy, because Bob looks the *exact* same as he did in 8th grade (considering that he was a junior when he dropped out). Same walk, same laugh, same way of sitting, same everything. Except his voice. It was that oh-so-lovely "I'm a boy in 8th grade" voice. I'm sure you know it. :) And considering that Bob's pretty monotone now...well, it just tells you how much of a difference there was. I was falling asleep, so we left. Andrew drove me home.

I absolutely love the feeling of coming home dead tired, undressing in the dark, pulling out my hair, yawning, wiping off my makeup and falling into bed at 3am. It's the same feeling as coming home to an empty house. It's great. It wasn't a great fasmatasmic night, but it was better than a night at home. Not to mention, I didn't spend any of Andrew's money. *laughs* It was sorta weird being around him, though, because like...I remember him back in the day and he was so different than he is now. Hmmm...Pixie

2002-01-19T12:58:00.000-08:00

I Eat Rainbow Cookies

Well well well. Craziness happened last night. Rainbow cookies. Yum Yum. I will tell ya'll all about it later. Pixie
Parental Warning: Explicit Sexual Girl On Girl Content
Okay. So, I didn't end up going out with Vivi. Instead, I went out with Miss Pink. Amber finallyc alled her, so I decided why not? My parents weren't home so I left a note. I hope they don't get pissed, but oh well. They could have called me on Miss Pink's cell if they wanted. We went to Miss Pink's house and she did landry and I ran around doing what she asked. I don't mind. I talked to her brother for a little wihle, which wasn't as strange as I thought it would be. I haven't actually talked to him since that night that I was drunkenly hitting on him. He's playing guitar and drums now, how badass is that?

Amber came and off we go. Stopped to get some Smirenoff Ice's. It's the trendy drink at the moment. Who decides what's trendy and what's not? But, that's not the point. At Amber's house (which, incidently, is in this neighborhood that Fairie Chick and I snuck into once on a late-night sneak out. There was this house being built that we went inside, it was so creepy) we got some food and stuff. By 9 I had killed a Smirenoff, taken a little blue pill (they told me what it was, but now I forget), and started hitting on her pot. We al went into Eric's room (her boyfriend) and I fell asleep on this couch in there, but it was cold. Ths girl came over, tall and thin, and wearing so much makeup. Way too much. Why do girls do that? I just see them and want to chisel the make-up off their face.

Amber woke me up and asked me if I wanted to go to sleep in her room. Sure. So, up we go. She gives me some shorts and I lay down. Miss Pink comes up and as they're hooking up I fall asleep. Eric comes upstairs and wakes me up. He brought me two more pills and a frapuccino so I'd stay awake (Oh, earlier Amber gave me another pill to wake me up too. It didn't work). He tried to get me to go downstairs in the hot tub with Miss Pink and Amber, but...I'm on my period and I wasn't really feeling like it. We talked for a little while and he was saying how I don't look or act fifteen. He said that I seemed European or something. Amber came upstairs and they just kept saying how I was so different. Eric was like, I bet you like to read and write poetry and stuff. Everyone told me not to cut my hair. Amber said it's sexy because she just wants to grab it, pull it, and fuck me *laughs* At some point they were talking about how pretty I am and I don't even know it. I'm so unaware of my prettiness. That's because I don't think I'm pretty! But that's not the point. They kept saying how there's no way I'm from Vegas, there's no way I act like I was born and raised here. Gosh, why is it so hard for people to describe me? Or, why is it so hard for me to understand what they say? I mean, how is it that I don't act like I'm from Vegas? I just don't get it.

Eric started saying how I should hook up with Amber, and I'm just like, eep, I'm shy, I'm shy. And we're all just laughing because we all know about my little drunken infatuation with Amber. But, eventually it started happening. Oh, by the way, this entire time Amber is naked because she had just gotten out of the hot tub. We started kissing and I started licking, biting, and fondling her nipples. My top and bra come off, I started fingering her and Eric did too. It's hard to believe how sexual she is. She could talk about painting her nails and it would just sound so naughty, y'know? She's very vocal and loud. Then Eric went and got a dildo from the car, but we couldn't find any batteries for it, so it remained unused for the time being. I went down on her, it as my first time and I was nervous, but...pot and smirenoff makes it really easy to not be nervous. She said I was really good. Screamed it too :)

Then she started fucking herself with the dildo (it was like, pink and white tie dye, *laughs*), so I started fingering her and fucking her with it. She was clawing my back and pulling my hair and screaming and it was great. Eric and I started kissing, because she gets off on that. This just went on for a really long time, she just never stops. In the end Eric was trying to get me naked, but, I feel so self conscious about my body. They're like, no no, we like your body or else you wouldn't be here. And I'm on my period so...they told me to come over when I'm not because Amber "wants to make me scream". I felt so comfortable with them. They kept saying if I wasn't okay with something just say it. I was okay with everything, but I know that if I hadn't been okay with something it would have been easy to say so. They're just those kind of people.

We all went to bed upstairs in the big bed. I woke up at like 8:30 and hung out reading and chilling by myself. Slowly everyone got up and Amber took us home at like, 2. Miss Pink asked me if I felt weird fucking Amber with a dildo. In case you're wondering, no not at all. I wish she had had a strap on, actually. I was surprised they didn't have more toys. She only had the dildo because she got it at this porn star convention. It's funner than I thought it would be. I thought it would be, okay you're fucking a girl, okay, but it's not like that, it's like, oh this is the coolest greatest thing ever. And going down on her, I thought it would be a lot harder. Or maybe it's just easy because as a girl I know what I like/would like for someone to do to me. A very cool night to say the least.

Josh still hasn't called. I wish boys wouldn't be so stupid. If you like someone just tell them. If you want someone's number, when you get it you should fucking call them. I realize I'm not one to talk, because I get so shy around people I like, but...that's not the point. Oh, Eric and Amber say that Chicago's queer. They say first of all no guy is an 11th grade virgin. And if they are, they're not a sexy bitch like Chicago, so he's gotta be gay. I disagree. *shrugs* I think he's just a really sexy cherry. I guess Nic still wants to be with me, he still likes me, he still thinks he has a chance. And it's like...ummm...I don't know. He told Vivi that he thinks I just need to be with some assholes right now and then I'll realize how much I want him and go to him. I told Vivi the truth, I can see myself being with him some time in the future. I can. I can see myself being able to be with him, I can see myself liking him, y'know, whatever. But right now I don't want to be with him at all.

I'm listening to to goo goo dolls, Iris, acoustic. This song makes me cry. I'm crying right now. Just to know that someone wrote that, that someone felt that way about someone. That you can have feelings that strong and turn them into this beautiful beautiful song. I suppose I'm singing that song, the song is me. I'm just looking for someone to feel that way. "I'd give up forever to touch you, because I know that you feel me somehow, you're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be and I don't want to go home right now. All I can taste is this moment, all I can breathe is this life, when sooner or later it's over, I just don't want to miss you tonight. And I don't want the world to see me, cuz I don't think that they'd understand, when everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am. You can't fight the tears that ain't coming, or the moment of truth in the lies. When everything feels like the movies, yeah you bleed just to know you're alive. "

I wish I could understand people more, I wish I could understand myself more. I wish that I could understand why Julio thought that I was so pretty he had to get my number. I want to know why he fell in love with me almost instantly, just in love with me, infatuated with me, he thought that I was absolutely perfect. How did that happen? How is it that Nic thinks I'm a good person? Why does he think that more people like me than I know? That more guys *like* me than I'd ever guess? In short, why do people like me so much? What do they see that I don't see? Vivi says that I'm different, that I'm "classic". Julio says that I'm like a poem and everyone just sees and interprets it the way they want to, but it's all true, it's all about me. I really don't get it.

But, I don't want to make this into a sad rant about how much I dislike myself. I really love my graph paper journal. I'm not going to decorate it in my usual way. Right now I'm just writing down statements in thick block letters. Statements that I want to be true. Statements that describe this part of my life. Inside jokes to make me smile. Just...anything. Anything to describe me. So far it says:
*I kiss girls. I kiss boys.
*I want you to kiss me. Right now. Nothing to lose.
*I can be in a relationship (without being treated like sit)
*pixie6969.blogspot.com. living the blog life
*i am in a peanut butter cuppy kind of mood!
*no moe cutting
*cake moosh or girl moosh? which is better?
*I'm okay now
*let me dance

I hope it turns out all badass when it's done. I think it will, my notebooks usually do. Pixie

2002-01-18T15:25:00.000-08:00

Kiss Me. Now.

I got woken up this morning at 6:10 by my alarm clock, just like every day. Then, at 6:30 my dad's all like, aren't you ready? Aren't you ready we gotta go! I'm like, it's 6:30, we never leave my house before 6:50. But, I guess my brother overslept. So I hurry up and get dressed in record time only to find out that they're gone. Blah. So, I wait fifteen minutes for my mom to finish getting ready so she can take me to school.

On both breaks I was just lying on the stage or the ground, not feeling well. Classes sucked but, it was okay because they were shorter because of an assembly. Bob didn't come to school so Vivi and me and everyone were jsut lying on the stage, but eventually we decided to go to Blueberry Hill with everyone. So, Marcio, Char, Vivi, Nic, Chicago and I head down to Blueberry Hill. It was really sad and depressing and quiet until we started talking about sex and oh my, some stories some people have.

Went back just in time to be royally late for the Company Player's meeting, but Chicago changed his short so I suppose it wasn't all bad. Afterwards we were just hanging out. AJ's been being really cool to me lately, rubbing my back and playing with my hair and stuff. Marcio thinks that I like him, but I just like to lick his sexy new Docs.

Hmmm...I'm sure something interesting happened. Oh, I don't know. It's all good, I guess. I'm going to go to Miss Pink's house right now. I've been ordered to wear something that isn't all baggy and shiznit in case we go out. We probably won't, but you know how it goes. Adios. Pixie

2002-01-17T23:43:00.000-08:00

No Place Like Cool

Gah, I thought that I'd be able to give you a month without me bitching about my period. My period came surprisingly when I expected it to. Ever since that first time in fifth grade it has been beyond sporadic. So, the fact that I was expecting it around now is creepy. I thought, I have had no cramps, my back doesn't even hurt, my bloggers will be so dissapointed that they don't get my growl piss moan of the month. Slowly but surely I'm cramping up and my back hurts. Ugh. Talked to Vivi tonight, alternating between my phone and my brother's cell phone because his girlfriend kept calling.

She told me all about her gay Hercules presentation. I had totally forgotten she was doing it (although I did help her get ready, mostly by giving her yummy smelling lotion as I cried tears of frustration) until we hit Burger King, at which point I gave Marcio, S, and Robert my own interpretation of gay hercules :) So, we just chatted tons. She told me about her first time going to new york city, and I told her about my first time going to new york city and we talked about how we didn't really have a place. Truman capote and marilyn monroe and all that gang had nyc with '21' and studio 54. The 80s had Seattle, the beatniks had san francisco, picasso had spain. We have nothing. So, we conteplated what our place could be and decided it's definetly not Vegas. It's just not cool enough here. We've got Roma's and our next coolest place is Blueberry Hill. So...we're thinking Boston. But she loves new york. I told her the best thing about boston is that it's so close to new york.

I don't know, we were just cracking up forever and talking and it was super cool because it's been a while since I've had that kind of talk with someone. And she has the same feelings about NYC that I do. We both agree that manhatten is grimy. The village is always the most ideal place, of course. And it just has this quality of hey, it's fucking new york. Which is why it's so awesome.

So, it was a really cool chat. I want to sketch but I'm so tired. Maybe I'll bring my sketchbook to school, but then it's awkward because if you start to sketch in class people want to see your work and stuff. I wish I had kept all my old stuff. All I have now is...umm...two picasso's, a fairie, the begining of another fairie and a picture of Auden. Pixie

2002-01-17T14:15:00.000-08:00

Mango Mango

Mango popsicle. Man, I wish I had a strawberry, but all we have is mango and tamarindo, and I don't want tamarindo right now. Unfortunatly, you can't tell the flavor of the popscicles unless you buy them, so it's always just a random draw. Fortunatly, I got mango. Damn the mexican market for not putting the flavor on the wrapper.

Today was really super cool. Chemistry was cool. My lab partner spoke. He said the basketball score of our school's last game. Hmmm, maybe he's human after all. Vivi looked so cute today wearing this headband. I wish I could wear a headband but I'm afraid that it'll look funny on me. I had my fabulous Holly Golightly sunglasses though, so I was feeling good. Oh, and Vivi gave me my "wanted" sign. Heehee. We decided that I could use it as my bookmark on the bus, Josh would see it, grab it, and laugh. Take a number, it would be perfect. Unfortunatly, he wasn't on the bus today, but, that's for later. My grade in Spanish went up to a 36%, oh joy. Second break I started to cry because it makes me so angry that the counselor hasn't seen me yet. The semester ends Tuesday and we don't have school on Monday! I'll just go and wait their every break till then because I need to talk to my counselor. They must listen to me! Grrr grrr.

S was wanting to go to lunch, so I said okay and off we go. She gave me a schedule in case someone stopped us. This intimidating looking guy raised his eyebrows at me and asked me where I was going. "Lunch...." I say "I'm, I'm going to lunch, see, I have a few hour right now" I stumble like a freshman, showing him the schedule. He says "I'm Taylor's dad". *rolls eyes*. Then why the fuck did you ask me where I was going? Well, Robert, S, Marcio and I had a good laugh about it at least. Whew. We go to burger king and S ate four tacos. Four! We go to S's house and Robert wants to talk to me.

He's like, la de da, what's up with us, why don't you ever talk to me. And I'm like, I don't see you at school, you're busy after school but you don't talk on the phone anyway, the only time I see you is if I go to Rocky. And he's like, blah blah, you know I'm not social you have to come find me. I'm like, fuck that Robert. It's like chasing something that's always running away. You get tired of chasing it after a while. And he's like...hmm...I feel like I'm waiting for something, I don't know what, and that's all I ever do. And I'm like, that's fine y'know, wait all you want for whatever you think is coming because I'm not waiting anymore.

We crowded around S's amazing sound system and listened to some kick ass shiznit. She's got an awesome sound system, it was great. Finally we head back. Stop by Robert's place so he can get his phone, she drops me off at school. We go the wrong way in the parking lot, *laughs* Good times. I head for my bus. It's really full already, I sit next to Bree, this pink-haired girl in my PE class. Jessica sits behind us (Josh's sister). She taps my shoulder. Yeesss? She's like, can I get your number? because my brother likes you and he wanted to get it today but he didn't come to school. I scribble it down for her. She is amazingly pretty, she really is. I bust out my book, her and Bree talk about stuff.

Here I am. Dude, my dad keeps closing my curtains. Every morning I leave my curtains open, and every day he closes them. I have a plant! I need sunlight in my goddamn room. It also bugs me because it means he goes in my room and I'm not down with that. I'll talk to him about it. We were going to go to Barnes and Noble tomorrow (and to the mall. He says I need a new sweater so I don't wear the same one every day *laughs*), but there's a company player's meeting, so I can't. How stupid is that, it's an assembly day. I hope we do it right after school let's out, or Ms. F better let us stay in the theatre because, well, grrr. Pixie

2002-01-17T01:41:00.000-08:00

I just rememberd that I got pissed at my guitar today. I was trying to change the strings, right? And the first time I'm like, la de da, changing strings, right? Well, the first string was too short, but not unbearably short. So I keep going. The third string is unbearably short. Bleh. So, I start over again. This time I just do a sucky job on the first string and the fourth string fucks up too. So I just left it with the fourth string gone. I just go pissed and left. *rolls eyes* I've gone through two packs of strings in one day. Fuckin' a, y'know? Jesus. Well, I'm going to go and try to change more strings. Grrr.

2002-01-17T01:26:00.000-08:00

Asleep

So much sleep lately. I fell asleep at like, four on the couch. At some point my bitched at me to get up and I said no and she bitched at me to get off the couch then, so I went to my room and immediatly fell back to sleep. Yuck. My family and I joke about this but it's really not funny. I *always* end up on the same schedule whether I want to or not. Just by accident or by staying up too much too often or by something. But, apparently my granddad was a really big night owl when he was alive, so maybe it's genetic or something. Ha, I bet my mom can't wait to hear that, "your daughter is just like your father." She always says how we're both smart and we're both so fucked up. Or rather, I am fucked up and he was fucked up.

Sorry, I didn't mean to make this sad. Valley Of The Dolls was a really good book, but the ending wasn't tangible for me. Did she end up like everyone else? Did she just keep on trying to kill herself or what? I will say though, it's a good lesson on love. A damn good lesson. Even if it is just a silly little book about three fucked up girls. Well then.

Did I mention that Josh plays the guitar? Yup. A year and a half. I talked to Vivi a lot about it, and we decided that I should give him my number tomorrow. If we end up sitting by each other again. Friday I won't be taking the bus because my dad is picking me up to take me to Barnes and Noble. It's sorta weird when people offer me rides and I say no thanks I'll take the bus. So maybe I'm a freak. But, he's cute, and nice, and from my short conversation with him (but, considering that I don't get home until 2 and he's the bus stop right before me I guess it's not *that* short) he's pretty badass. And, he is none of my friend's exboyfriends. And no one else has a crush on him, because no one else knows him. He lives by me, which is always a plus, and he's a Taurus (which can be good or it can be bad).

You people need to update more, amuse me when it's 1 am and I'm wide awake. Fuck, I need to buy some Benadryl or Niquil. But I haven't got any money. If I could just get sick then I could get my parents to buy it for me, but then it won't be *mine*. Well, on Monday I'll take a trip to Wal-Mart. I've decided to start getting a magazine a week and save up till I have a big stack. Then I'll make my guitar case into a huge decoupage. It'll be great. With my letters from Delias, cute graphics from Alloy, and a big stack of magazines I can make it so badass.

Why aren't there any magazines dedicated to old-school pinups? That is my question to you my friend. I want pinups and I want oldschool and they're *easy* to get on the net. But since my printer sucks...I need a pinup magazine. Hmmm, maybe I'll start one myself. I'm going to stop babbling in here, go babble in my graph paper book, and then play my guitar!Pixie

2002-01-16T14:19:00.000-08:00

Cute Bus Boy

Well, today was the day for me to meet cute bus boy, aka: Josh. But, first, let me chat a bit. I did go to bed today, very late though. Woke up late, but nothing would stop me from wearing something really cool for cute bus boy to see me in. Get to school late, put all my shiznit in Paco's locker because I had a lot of shiznit (my vans for PE, two binders and a book, yuck!). Go to world history...la de da, world history. Valley Of the Dolls is a really good book, I'm so hooked. Go upstairs early on first break in order to get my geometry stuff out of Paco's locker. For the life of me I can't remember the locker combination. I try everything and I'm late, so, ugh, go to geometry. We had a test, I thought I would do shitty on it but I bet I got like, an A or B on it. I was shocked too, I know :) Second break, try Paco's locker some more, grrr! Not working. Run downstairs, get the combo from Paco, run upstairs and get the stuff I need. Go back downstairs. PE sucked. Cindi was absent, and she's my sole friend in that class. Had a test. Did okay. Walked for a half hour with Kelley (her one friend was absent too, and I sorta knew her in middle school). I told her all of my best recent stories and she's like, oh my gosh you're so crazy. Hehe. La de da, get changed, head for the bus, I'm running late so I know I'll never get a seat by myself but hope maybe I'll at least get to sit next to Cute Bus Boy.

Walk on the bus, there he is, sitting by himself. So, I plop myself down and shoot him a smile. Rearrange my stuff (it's hard to read on a bus with your backpack and la de da, if you ever had to ride a school bus you know how it is), and finally reach my favorite position (he happened to be in the same one, so y'know). Only school-bus veterans will understand this. You slouch down and put your knees up so they're pressing against the back of the seat in front of you. Perfection. Bust out my book. Cute Bus Boy (who's name is Josh, which I already knew, but he didn't know I knew, so...y'know) says "I like your outfit. Actually, it's really cool" or something to that extent. My boots...fishnet thigh highs, knee-length black skirt, black tanktop with a zipper across the chest and fishnet shirt. I mentally give myself badass points and start to read. It's usually what I do on the bus, if only to avoid having to look at other people. Cute Bus Boy is the same boy from this: "This little kid was like "do you like to read for fun?" and I was like yeah...he was like, ahh! As if it's some horrible disease. He asked me what the book is about. It's really about a guy who feels dead inside, but, I didn't think he'd think that was cool. So I told him it was about a guy who killed people and took their money. Well, that's how the book starts so why not. He showed me his tag, which he's so proud of. "see, white boys can tag." It was actually pretty good, but I just laughed." So, we talked about my book for a little while and I admitted to being a nerd and he's like, reading's not nerdy. I noticed his nails (they were colorfied) so I asked to see 'em but he hid his hands and was like "they're purple and I'm not gay". Turns out purple is his favorite color. He also has a labret, he lives with his mom who has cancer, he started riding my bus because he used to go to El Dorado but got caught with pot and got suspended, so he moved out of his dad's place and into his mom's. He's a sophmore, not a junior. He's also got his left nipple pierced (he had 'em both done but at some punk show he wasn't wearing a shirt and the right one was like, almost ripped out so he just took it out). His birthday is April 14 (taurus) which makes him almost a month younger than me. He's pretty bad ass and still quite cute.

About his hair. It turns out he did bleach it and then dye the tips black. Pain in the ass. But it looks badass. Hmmm...so, this is interesting indeed. We'll put him on the "maybe" list. I should call Vivi and tell her. She didn't come to school today so I should call anyway. Pixie

2002-01-15T23:54:00.000-08:00

Smoking In The Dark

There is something so calming, so soothing.
Slip on my ballet slippers, ease open my window.
Grab a cigarette - classic Marlboro and my
Pink leapord print lighter. Home made.
Sit outside cross legged. Smoke. So silent outside.
Every now and then the wind rustles
Leaves over the rocks in the alley.
Cool calm. Look at Venus. Smoke until the end.
Watch the amber glow of the butt
Until it is no more. Slip back inside.
1/14/02 11:35pm
No on is alive except for me
As I smoke my cigarette

I'm really liking the graphing paper journal. I see why that beautiful girl used it. So much room for creativity. I don't want to go to sleep tonight. So, I've been thinking lately. Must get job. Must have good grades for job. So, good grades are in my future. Then I'll get my job. Then I'll work my ass off all that I can and keep my good grades, saving every dime I make (I think I'll give myself 15% of my paychecks as fun money). Must get emancipated. I think about it a lot. I know you think I fogot. I haven't. I know where my future lies and it does not lie living at home. My future lies going to school, going home to my cheap apartment in the ghetto and doing homework. Then I'll sleep or go to work, depending on what hours I want to keep. My future involves working as many hours as I can spare. My future does not involve a lot of free time. My future is being free, being away from home. Lately it's been pretty good at home, actually, but I still think about how I want out. About how I will get out. My future involves bus passes and paychecks. This is the future that I desire and nothing will stand in my way.

Emancipate. To free from restraint, control, or the power of another. To be free from my parents. To work my ass off. To be able to live my life as I want. A studio apartment, my guitar, my amp, my clothes, my sketchbook, pencil, and journals. My books. A sleeping bag, a pillow. A bus pass, a bus map. A library card (in order to use the internet, of course). That's all I need in my future, that's all I want, all I desire. At the soonest I can get it this August. At the latest in a year. I will finally be free, and that is all I need.

Freedom. I think about it, I dream about it, I taste it. I do the math for it. But I am patient. I will not leave too soon, before I have enough money. But I will leave, and that is all that is important to me. Buenos noches my friends. I don't think I'll go to sleep tonight. Too much coffee and cigarettes and a good book waiting for me. Creativity calling me. My calculator is calling me too. Freedom at last. People always talk about freedom. Freedom from this, freedom for that. They make plans for it. I will actually do it or I will die trying. I will not stay here until I am 18. No. This life was never meant for me. I will get what I want. May you get what you want to. But don't forget to clix me :) Pixie

2002-01-15T19:16:00.000-08:00

Wanted: A Hottie For Brittany

La de da. School was okay. My lab partner has showed no signs of life yet, even though we did a lab today. Hmmm. English was okay. I hurried to my bus after school to get a good seat and look at cute labret boy. He came on the bus and sat on the other side, one seat ahead. I could see him in the mirror. The look of triumph on his face that he would get to sit alone. And then this really annoying overweight kid sat next to him. He looked pissed and angry the whole ride. La de da. After school I went to Miss Pink's house to do homework. We convinced her friend, John, cute boy who lost my sweatshirt in his car, to take us to the bakery. He can't find my sweatshirt, but he's pretty cute.

I told Miss Pink about the guy on my bus. She made a few calls, his name is Josh, he's a junior, his older sister is Jessica, the girl that looks like Weetzie Bat with short, bleach blonde hair. She's a senior. I don't know how she does it. Hmmm.

Came home, talked to Vivi on the phone. We made a lookin'-for-a-boyfriend list and realized how pathetic the guys we know are. Every single guy we know (with the exception of three) ended up on the "no" part of the list. Three ended up as "maybe's", two of which are freshman, the third is Chicago. Gee, we're great. So, she's like, hey, I'll make you a wanted sign. So, it says "wanted, hottie for brittany". It also says that they must not buy me things, must be a phone person, must be a night person, must not mind smoking, must be ready and willing ;), and...I think that's it. She says she's going to put little phone number tabs on it and hang it up on the theater wall. *laughs* If she does it it'll be so badass, lol.

That's that, la de da. I'm giong to la de da. I'm singing at the top of my lungs and looking at guitar tabs. Pixie

2002-01-14T23:04:00.000-08:00

If I Wrote A Zine

I would talk about:
*the stigma and presumptions about being a bisexual teenage girl
*the way that some girls just make people fall in love with them and no one understands
*how to shoplift (and not get caught!)
*the best books that I read
*sex education a la scarleteen that was not abstinence-based, gender or sexual orientation exclusive
*how to sneak out of your house
*how to lie
*how to get away with being drunk at school
*how to ditch class
*my poems
*why an abortion may be the best option, despite your religion
*why organized religion worshipping a single diety may not be the best option
*why teachers and schools and parents and the media view teenagers all wrong

But because I don't write a zine, I put it all here. And there are a few things on that list I want to talk about right now. Miss Pink came over and I wrote her the answers to questions and explanations so she can discuss them in class tomorrow (for the book Breakfast At Tiffany's). Then I went to her house and typed up and printed my report, which is a grand total of thirteen pages. I met her latest boi and talked to the guy who had my sweatshirt in his car. He promised to look for it.

Fairie Chick came over today to give me the monologue, and I talked to her at various points throughout the night about the report, and got sidetracked a bit. I must admit, I do miss being her friend. But as I told Jessy (also had a nice chat with her. She's like, out of the loop and she's like, well, Fairie Chick and I have always been closer to each other than we ever were to her and she wants us to be friends if we can be), I can't do it. I can't do it. I started to cry because it's just too much to handle sometimes. But I have to question our entire friendship, y'know? Does she always enjoy seeing me cry? Does she always think that my tears are unjustified? I just...I question our everything we ever had together. I can't trust her when I've been inside her mind and heard the things she really thinks about me. And if those weren't the truth, how do I know the rest wasn't the truth? I don't.

Blah. So...anyways. I was talking to Vivi today and explaining to her why I won't be in any more relationships for a while, and she's like, "pixie, why is it that guys fall in love with you so much? i mean, not to say that they shouldn't, but why do they?" We contemplated this, not because I'm concieted or because she thinks they shouldn't, but because we really are curious. In the past three months more guys have fallen in love with me, or truly, sincerly believed they were in love with me, than I think most gurls get in a few years. Vivi agrees. We contemplated, and I'm not really sure why. She says it's because I'm different, and I'm "classic", and just the way I dress and act and everything shows that I'm "classic" too. Not sure what that means, but she seemed satisfied with the answer.

Tomorrow morning I'm going to the corner store to buy her some peanut butter cup ice cream. It will be yum yum. She had better get there on flippin time! Pixie

Don't forget to clix me. And sign my guestbook. Tell me anything, tell me everything.

2002-01-14T14:44:00.000-08:00

No One Should Brave The Underworld Alone

Well, today and last night were quite informative. I've decided not to persue any relationships. As Julio says, I'm a hearbreaker. I hurt people without meaning to, and isn't that the irony of it all? He's right. That's what I do, so isn't it better to just stay away from relationships? I mean, somehow people fall in love with me more than the average person. I don't know why, but that's how it is. Therefore, I have a chance to hurt more people. And that's what I do, right? Hurt people. At least, whenever there's any kind of romance involved. Which is a damn shame because Monte seemed so nice. The good news is, however, Jenabe came up to me today and was like, "I heard you went out with Monte _____." I told her that he drove me home and silently wondered how the fuck did she know that, it happened on Saturday! So, she was like, stay away from him! He's a psycho, he's crazy, I'm not kidding stay away, ask any of his ex's. Well, when you put it like that...the fact that a: it's got around to her so quickly and b: she would take the time to tell me when I hardly talk to her, well, I'm heeding her advice. It figures that the person I see as being a perfectly nice guy is really a psycho. What kind of shit luck do I have?

Also, Jah Love came up to talk to me. I guess Nic still likes me and wants to be with me and Jah Love is the messanger. I told him the truth: I don't want to be in a relationship right now. Well, I do, but I won't. He also wanted to talk to me about Fairie Chick. I guess she was just crying on his shoulder. He said I should talk to her and listen to her. I will talk to her, and I'll listen to and consider everything she says. However, I don't want to be her friend. In her blog she wrote this big thing about how she loves me and she's so sorry and just worried about me. No! I will not have the friendship with her that I had with Sperm Girl. I put up with Sperm Girl and her shit for almost a decade (we were best friends from 3rd to 9th grade, although she didn't start being a horrible bitch until middle school). I won't make that mistake again. You don't love someone and say all the hurtful things she said about me. A long time ago I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't ever give a guy/girl a chance if they made me cry, because they'd only make me cry again. I'm putting the same thing to my friendships now. And to say that she enjoyed seeing me cry and how unjustified my tears are? How I never have a real reason to cry? No! I've cried to her about almost everything in my life. Everything that's ever happened to me I've probably cried to her about. Did she enjoy my tears all those times too? That's not love, that's her making me feel like shit. I have enough people in my life making me feel like shit, including myself, to need any more unnecessarily. No! She told me to stand up for myself, for once I finally am. I will not be her friend again, not after this.

After school I took the bus home. There is this really cute guy on it, he's got the prettiest eyes. They're like, brown around the iris and green/blue (???) the rest. Really beautiful. Hmmm...maybe I'll hit on him. We'll see. I got this book, Valley Of The Dolls, from Cindi in PE. It's pretty good so far. Fairie Chick finished the monologue, but it's only three and a half pages and a font size bigger than it's allowed to be. Great. My paper, without the monologue, is five pages! Whatever. And she forgot it at home so Jessica is going to her house, putting it on a disk, e-mailing it to me. Where I'll add it to my paper and e-mail my paper to her because my printer isn't working. Blah.

I went to Wal-Mart and got myself a plant (an african violet) and a graphing notebook for my new notebook. I just don't want to write in my old one anymore. *sigh* I had chinese food for breakfast, breadsticks and a cherry coke for lunch, and chinese food when I came home. Now I'm eating peanut butter cup ice cream. Dude, last night I fell asleep at 9pm! I got nine and a half hours of sleep, can you believe it!? Craziness. I feel so lazy and lethargic. The good news is that all I actually have to do is print out my english and find out the spanish homework. La de da. I'm going now. Adios. Pixie

2002-01-13T12:06:00.000-08:00

How's My Favorite Third Rate Thug?

Last night was great. Sorta. First Vivi and I were going to go to Rocky. But then Vivi wanted to go to Shane's house to hang out with Bob, and it wasn't on the top of my list of things to do but I was cool with it. But...what was on the top of my list was hanging out with Monte. He called me but I was unavailable (aka: I was plucking my eyebrows), so I called him back, and it was so cute. He was just like, y'know, I really liked hanging out with you and I was wondering if you wanted to, uhh, go eat or something tomorrow. That's a problem for me, as all of you know, because I can't go out in the day time. So, I told him I had a big report I had to work on but did he want to go out for coffee or something that night?

Lesson Number 1: Never leave messages with my brother.

He had to go, but said he'd call me later telling me whether or not he could go. La de da. My brother's on the phone with his girlfriend. La de da. My brother comes in my room and he's like "Your new friend Monte called and said that he couldn't see you tonight, but he'd call you later." *smacks hand to forehead*. Ugh. But, no harm done.

So, I call Vivi again and we work on her plans. The problem is that neither her nor Shane want to call Bob. I offer to call him, and she's like no no. I tell her I gotta go I'll call her back. I call Bob, he just left to go to Josh's house. Hmmm. I call Vivi and get Josh's number (under the pretense of wanting Korn's number), and turns out that they're filming. I talk to Nic and he's like, want to be our hoes? Okay. I call Vivi and tell her the plan. We spend about half an hour figuring out which busses we're going to take and how she's going to lie to our parents and this and that. We call them back and they're like, that's not going to work at all you need to be here sooner. Grrr. We make a new plan and a new bus route and call them back. Nic then finally realize that there are *three* people there with cars that drive that could fucking come pick us up. Thank god. So, we arrange that.

I sneak out of my house. My "hoe outfit" was my new cherry red shorts, the big fishnet tights, boots, and black tanktop. But I put on a sweater and a black skirt (it's late night Vegas. You just don't go walking around looking like a hoe because you *will* get stopped and asked for prices. Trust me.) I get there, I meet Vivi's mom and throw a few lies/lines to Vivi to get her mom to think we're telling the truth, off her mom goes. I call Josh's house to tell them to send the ride, and Biscuit answers! Talk about unexpected. He says they already leave. What good planning we have.

We only wait in the cold for a few minutes, and here they arrive. It's Chris, someone I remember from last year but never actually knew, and Holly, some girl I've never met nor heard of. La de da, get to Josh's house. And Jah Love is there. My god it's like a party for Pixie's ex's. Jesus. So, Josh, Bob, Chris, Holly, Vivi, Biscuit, me, and Jah Love are there. We go to the "pimp room" (which is sort of awkward because Josh is mormon, and there's a painting of Jesus Christ hugging someone, and Jesus was looking at us as we filmed this pimp film). I take off my skirt when no one's looking. It seems that everone looked back at me at the same time and they were like "whoa". *laughs* So I still have a few surprises in me left. Nic gets into his costume, which is a red robe, black wifebeater, tiger print boxer shorts, black socks, leopard print slippers, and this ridiculous hat/wig and sunglasses. Oh my god, he looked so funny! It was great.

Vivi puts on a faux fur coat and we situate ourselves as hoes on the couch next to Nic. Bob sits on a chair next to us painting his nails (he's supposed to be gay), and we film. Nic is speaking with this...I don't know, british accent or something. Hard not to laugh. We finish, Chris and Holly leave. I'm just hanging out talking to Josh because he's really great. Eating some cinamon toast crunch (which Biscuit kept stealing from my bowl) when Biscuit asks if he can talk to me outside. Okay...Biscuit gives me a jacket because "it's pretty cold out there" and off we go. Jah Love and Nic are outside. Awkward.

Joe is like, "why?" And I'm like, why what? And Jah Love is like, why? And I'm like what the fuck are you talking about!? And finally they're like, umm...well...we heard that um...you and Robert were locked in a room, and...you were...uh...having sex. I laughed. Okay. Yeah that's true, I have had sex with Robert. And they're like why. They procede to point out all the flaws in Robert. Everything he's ever said or done or wanted to do and all the ways that he is absolutely wrong and bad for me. By now Nic's left because he didn't want to be outside or whatever. And I'm just like...um...I don't know! I don't know why I don't know.

Then they asked me a few questions about Nic, which I answered, and Jah Love is like, okay can I talk to you in private? Sure. So, we go and sit on his car and smoke and we talk a little bit about Fairie Chick. He wanted to know what was up with us now. I told him the latest, and we just talked, which was really great because we haven't talked in such a long time. He told me about Athena (his current girlfriend) and how there's nothing wrong with her and how she's so great. At first I was like, ehhh, why are you telling me this? But then I was like, duh, because he's happy and that is great. So we just talked a lot. He asked me how I was. We eventually got back to Robert and he's pointing out how Robert hurt me and this and that.

And I'm like..."In this book I once read (the perks of being a wallflower), this kid sees his older sister, whose a big feminist, get hit by her boyfriend. And she stays with him and acts like it's all okay. He asks this teacher about it - as he's really close to him - and his teacher said 'you accept the love you think you deserve'". That was my explanation. You know, it was like, Robert had no expectations for me. He cared a lot about me, I believe. He cared about me hurting myself, he cared about me not being hurt, but when it came down to it he didn't think enough about his actions to make a point of not hurting me. So there. I said to Jah Love, because it's just easiest for him to understand that way "I needed someone to treat me like shit, and he did that for me." It's more complicated than that, but, I'm done sleeping with Robert. Jah Love told me that I deserved so much better than that, because I'm such a better person that that, which was like, taking a great amount of weight off my shoulders, because I've been worried about that lately because of all that Fairie Chick's said. Actually, later on everyone was like, you're a really good person. I guess I just needed the reassurance. (having sex with Robert, if anyone was worried, was always entirely safe, sane, and consensual, as all my sex practices are. Safe safe safe! Condoms condoms condoms! If you say "he came on my tummy" that doesn't mean that he wasn't wearing a condom.)

Biscuit came out and told us that Josh was getting pissed that we were at his house and not inside talking, and we're like, tell him that we're smoking (because we were) and we don't want to smoke in his house (because we didn't). We go inside and I'm like, sorry Josh we didn't want to smoke in your house, and he's like, it's cool, it's cool. See, Biscuit over here was saying that you were talking about cereal, as in, your subject matter was tame. And I said, my friend, cereal isn't tame, cereal is fucking hardcore. So, I was feeling left out. We told him we were just talking about Fairie Chick and Josh was like, what's going on with that? I explained to him the latest and he's like, that's not tame! This is serious! And Biscuit's like yeah whatever.

So we sat around being funny for a while, and finally Jah Love left, taking Nic with him. Vivi and I decided that we were going to walk to Harmon, take the Harmon bus to Pecos and Pecos to Denny's because she wanted some pie. And Biscuit said he couldn't drive us (that bastard!) because he was taking Bob home. But then he's like, we're far away from Harmon. Well...hmm...he said he'd drive us to Harmon and we're like, we gotta go soon because the Harmon bus comes at 12:10, and he's like, let me play my video games! I'll take you to Denny's, sheesh. So we went back into the pimp room and watched Biscuit play video games.

I kept switching which hoe couch I was sitting on and eventually settled in next to Vivi. I curled my boots up, she curled up next to me, I fell asleep. I woke up because Biscuit was making snoring noises. I don't snore! I swear I don't. Finally we adiosed Josh, went outside, there was a domestic disturbance, we went inside. We ran back outside. We took Bob home. Biscuit drove us to denny's. La de da, driving to denny's. Finally he's like, are ya'll going anywhere afterwards? Home, we declare. I was going to ask him if he wanted to come with us, but I said nooo...he wouldn't want that. A minute later he's like, can I come with? Of course, *laughs*.

So, we go to Denny's, and he's like, how much do you think a cup of coffe costs? And I'm like don't worry don't worry, we've got money. Because we did, and we rock. We go and sit down. Biscuit gets coffee and milk. Vivi gets pecan pie (warmed up with ice cream), a french vanilla capuccino, and french fries. I get a piece of apple pie (warmed up with ice cream) and hot chocolate. All this for twenty bucks my friend. We eat. Vivi started to cry because Bob was being an asshole and said like, three words to her all night. We told her how she's great, she's a catch and she's got after-sex hair (because she is, and she does) and we talked about cereal a bit (or, rather, tamer subject matter). Finally, at two AM Biscuit adioses. We watch him leave. He walks past his car. Biscuit we yell, what are you doing? Of course he can't hear us. He goes out to the intersection and stars running around with airplane arms. So we run outside and cheer him on :)

We sat around waiting for Vivi's parents, talked about Asshole Bob a little bit. And she was like, you're so great Brittany because like, with Heather it's all her wanting sympathy. If you want sympathy, it's not cool because she wants it too. But you're not like that.

Well then, that's cool. Her parents drop me off, I'm walking through my backyard, *mission impossible music* I notice there's a light coming from my brothers room and figure it's just his screen saver, because he wouldn't be up at 3am. Well, he is! eep. And this stupid dog across the street was barking, so I crawl past my brothers window and sneak into my room without a hitch.

Now, I'm going to write my english report and call Jessica to see if Fairie Chick did the monologue, because yesterday I was just too tired to do it. Pixie

DON'T FORGET TO CLIX ME! There's a little link at the bottom of the page that says "clix". Click it. It'll automatically take you to the clix website, which ranks diaries by how many clix a day they have. You can check out the woman I love and adore's journal, It's usually number one or two, called "pure as the driven slush". So please please, clix me every time you check out my journal.

2002-01-12T17:43:00.000-08:00

Monte

So...went to the cappy thing today. I was a bit late but nothing had started yet. Vivi and Marie (freshman girl that drives me nutso) were there. So was Julio. We went over lots of cappy stuff and played a get-to-know-you game. I've been keeping my eyes open for this kid named Monte. Because Kristen cappied with him and she told me how cool he was and how he's sort of like Cupcake and God rolled into one. I saw him in Honk! at LVA so, I've been keeping my eyes out for him. Well, I met him today in the get-to-know-you game. Blah blah blah, I spilled my coke right after they told us not to spill drinks and discretely picked it up. This lady came and told us how to write. Afterwards I helped to clean up and la de da, cleaning up. And I was teasing Monte, I forget what about. He was like, "you're in my way!" and we were just joking around. His notebook was on the table, he was in another room and there was a pencil so I was like, hmmm. I wrote a little note ("you were such a cute flyer guy!") and left my name and number. La de da, I go downstairs with Vivi and Marie and we're waiting and waiting. It was like, 3:20. I had told my mom to pick me up at 4:00. Vivi's waiting for her dad, they keep calling each other going "I'm in front of the theater" "well, I am too" and then she's like, "what school are you at?" Turns out he was at *our* school. Duh.

Oh, during all this confusion Monte left, and then he came back because he "forgot something" and ended up just hanging out with us. Vivi and Marie leave. The lady was there still, so was Monte. She joked about how she always ends up staying waiting for me. *groan* I call my mom, it's 4:20, she hasn't left yet. She was waiting for my call. *groan* I was like, fine, I'll get a ride with Monte. I apologized profusely to Monte but he was like, no no, it's cool, actually it's good because I wanted to talk to you more. So, we went through the adventure of trying to get to my house when I was lost and he didn't know my side of town at all. He's really super cool. He loves the beatles, he's a theater major and, from what I saw, a pretty good actor. He's also really sweet (always opening and closing my car door and door doors). Quite a cutie pie (although a shortie. I can't tell if he's shorter than me though because I was wearing my boots), and, he even took me to pick up my guitar because he's awesome.

He took me home, and we hugged, and I really really wanted to kiss him, but like...I didn't. So...it was weird, because he went to hug me, and I went to kiss him, and it was just...weird. But cute. I don't know. He has really really pretty blue eyes. And brown, sort of redish hair. And he walked me to my mailbox and we hugged again. I hope he doesn't take this to mean that I'm not interested, because I am. Hmm...I hope he calls me.

When we were driving I was like, "why did you really come back?" and he's like...ehh...I wanted to see you. And I was like...okay. And he's like, "I just said I forgot something because I didn't want you to be like, why is he following me?" And I was like, "dude, I left my name and number in your book and called you cute!" and he's like, "I know, but guys always expect the worse."

So. He's really sweet and cool. I wanted to go to Rocky tonight and show off my new shorts. But Vivi is talking about going to Shane's, and I don't know. Hmmm...maybe Monte will call me and want me to do something with him. Pixie

2002-01-11T15:18:00.000-08:00

La De Da

So...today was pretty good, I guess. I wore my dress with my boots and my tights with my thigh-highs (on my arms). Jessica has been putting holes and runs in my tights and thigh highs all day. Go to chemistry, we got new seats. I have a lab partner now, his name is Mitchell. In 8th grade I would have been ecstatic to be in this situation, because I had a mondo crush on him. Now I think it sucks. Mr. Chemistry was being sooo funny today, and he just sits there showing no emotion. I think he may not be human. Hmmm...I must look into this further. La de da. Went to spanish, got three tests back. I got a 96/200, 55/100, and 15/50. Go me. Fuck. We also took a quiz. I'm sure I got an A because...well..I did what I had to do. I'm going to go talk to my counselor and see if I can just get no credit for the class. I've already met the requirement for language, I don't need this, I'm getting out next semester anyway, but it's going to fuck up my GPA. I hope that I can arrange that...I already made an appointment with my counselor. Go me.

English was good. We're listening to Julius Ceaser and Jessy just puts holes and runs in my tights. It's so strange watching them run, almost like watching computer animation. Very badass. Fairie Chick was looking all pissy and I'm like, why does she look all pissy? I saw Anthony earlier and he seemed happy so they can't be fighting. So...hmm. I know it's not about me. If I'm such a stupid selfish bitch she wouldn't waste her time getting mad at me. I'm sure not wasting mine over her. After school Paco was going to give us, Giselle, and Lenis a ride home, but he said he'd take me to the mall (for the payment of five dollars) because my uncle lost his hat and wanted me to get him a new one. Giselle and Lenis didn't want to go home so I go to Hot Topic with Jessy, and the coolest girl was there. Ohhh...she was just so fucking cool dressing and you're just like, wheeee! I also got this like, vynal cherry red short shorts with zippers on them for only fifteen bucks, and a rainbow patch for only a dollar. Kickass. Jessy got some cool shiznit too. As we're being rung up, Paco, Giselle, and Lenis come in not looking too happy. Fuck. I guess Giselle called home and she got in trouble. Jessy was like, can I get my shoes? Because they were right next door at Journey's. She had to special order them and the store has had them for like, three weeks. But Giselle was like, no no, Paco's all pissed. So we go and catch up and I'm like, Paco, Paco I love you. Forgive me Paco I love you. And somehow it all came out about your shoes and he's like, okay, go get them we'll meet you out front.

In the shoe store everyone was looking at us weird. The guy there was like, that dress looks familiar...Hot Topic! I was like, oh yeah. And he's like, it's such a kickass dress, but I've never seen anyone actually wearing it before. I just smiled, we got the shoes and left. Look left for Paco. Look right for Paco. Look high and low for Paco. Stand up on a slab of cement and look for Paco. Fuckin' a. I was already going to be in trouble because I was supposed to call and tell my dad what my plans were and now Paco's fucking gone. Well, he appeared after a few minutes, thank god. And he takes me home. No one's hoem right now. I hope I hope that my dad didn't go looking for me. I know my parents aren't together because both cars are gone. And I'd hope that they wouldn't go looking for me seperatly because they're constantly bitching at me for getting home late. I always get home late, so it's not unusual. So I hope that my dad went to the store and my mom just hasn't gotten home from school yet, or something. *groan*

Pixie

2002-01-10T16:20:00.000-08:00

I Hate You

As far as I'm concerned, I never want to talk to Fairie Chick again. I hate her and despise her and I'm sick of her and her shit. Today started off good. I went to the wrong classroom, but got to my real class in time. Went to a presentation about how we should get class rings. "Class rings are cool, you know you want one, everyone has them, class rings show your individuality". Right. The cost of a cheap class ring is the same annual income of the average family in Afghanistan. Jessica and I sat there going *cough cough* brainwashing! You can get little pictures on your class ring. Everything to a cross, a soccer ball, pheasant hunting, and a little car with "Lowriding" written underneath it. Nothing for gay pried. I'm going to e-mail them and complain.

Blah blah blah. I was feeling bad and my legs hurt. By the way, if you were wondering they will scar but not for a long time. Went to PE, got hit in the face with the ball, got hit in the tits with the ball, and this girl kicked my leg very badly. I limpingly played defense for a while. I wanted to go to the nurse, but I couldn't. Because the nurse would see my cuts and send me to the counselor who would call my parents. I don't need that right now. So I sucked it up.

After school I found Paco and he said he'd give Jessy a ride home, I told him Jessy needed to talk to our English teacher and he said cool, he'd talk to the cross country coach. We go to talk to our english teacher about our grades. La de da, oh look, our scores for the script and storyboard, 0s? Why would we have zeros? Let's ask. Ms. D, why do we have zeros? Oh, we didn't turn it in? Yes we did. Oh, we turned it in six weeks late? But didn't you say that you'd accept it? Oh, no? You actually told Fairie Chick that we'd get no points and no credit? Gee, thanks.

We went off to find Fairie Chick, she was no where to be found, but her director said I could be angry with her before rehersal, if she showed up. I went around, my anger stewing. Telling everyone who would listen about what she did. Finally, she appears. ENTER FAIRIE CHICK. It was a lot of yelling until I knew I'd start crying and I left. She feigned innocence and said that she didn't realize that the *whole* group would get zeros. No shit sherlock. She didn't understand. I told her that we got the zero's she earned us the same way she got the As I earned her. She was like, well, you're not failing because of me, because I have a C. Well, those grades could have been the difference between a D and a C. God. There was a lot of yelling, lots of cussing. Chicago dared to interrupt, he was just like "hey!?" If looks could kill Fairie Chick and I would have given him a horrible painful death. Everyone else remembers the whole Jah Love thing, they know not to interrupt.

So, I went off crying to the theater room. Marcio, Jah Love, God, Bree, Duck, and Vivi were there. Jah Love immediatly went to hug me and ask me what happened. I told him about how Fairie Chick had fucked up mine and Jessica's grade by not turning it in. She forgot to mention that she didn't turn it in until six weeks later, and then turned it in and forgot to mention that we got NO CREDIT FOR IT. He just held me and told me it was okay. God also hugged me which was sorta weird but really nice. I can't say that I ever hugged them before. The general consensus was that I had a right to be angry. And now, the monologue is not even done. That makes me angry too. The thing is, she knows, she knows damn well that if she said "hey Brittany" Or "hey Jessica, I have a lot of stress/I don't have time/ I have too much pressure/ I don't feel like doing it, can you do it?" She knows, she knows that we would have both done it. We would have both done it and we wouldn't have been angry about doing it.

Jessy and I decided that we should write our own monologue, because frankly I don't trust Fairie Chick to finish it, I just don't. And Jessy will start to memorize it just in case. I refuse to let her fuck up my grade any more. Then Josh and Nic came and I started talking to them. Josh is so cool. He said that Jessica and I were cool and the coolest dressers he knew :) Rock on. His Government class is doing the same project and he knows just what we're going through. Nic says he doesn't hate me and we talked today, wheee.

Fuck, why do I have to be so angry at everyone all the time? Well, my dad came and picked up Jessy and I. I'm so angry, I really am. Grrrr. And stupid dress. I wasn't going to where it for a week and a half after she did out of respect for her, now I don't give a dress. It's my dress and I love it and I'll where it when I damn well please. I'm tired of her, I'mt ired of her being a spoiled little girl. I'll always remember when she told Jah Love that her problems were worse than mine. And when she said I was just a copy of her, a replacement of her. I was telling Jessy about that today, she agreed it was out of line. I guess I had never told her that part of the story before. I think it sucks that Fairie Chick and I are no longer friends. It was a good friendship while it lasted, but I'm glad it's over, and I'm glad I'm not putting up with it.

I never broke off my friendships with Sperm Girl and Crystal because I was an idiot, and I was so glad when I did. They weren't good for me. Neither is Fairie Chick. She's not good for me. Okay, I don't hate her. I'm not really capable of hating someone. But I really dislike her and my thoughts for her are not warm and fuzzy. I'm sure I'll continue to wear the necklace she gave me, and I'll give her the part of her Christmas present that I have. It serves me no use and there isn't a point for her not to have it. I acquired twenty bucks, and I'm giving it to Jessy. I have it, she needs it, since I just randomly got it I'll give it to her. I'll still have like, sixty so it's okay.

Well, I'm adiosing. Fuck Fairie Chick. I have to say, while it does drive me crazy that people think of me as a child, and it drives me crazy that people think that I'm naive and don't know anything, when you're crying it's the best thing when people see you as being a little kid. It makes them hug you and hold you. Pixie

2002-01-10T00:43:00.000-08:00

Seven More Slices

Seven more slices to my inner left calf and I'm finally done for the night. And I wrote a little something:

Ooh, look at me, I cut myself
Look at me little girl, didn't you say I'm just a replacement of you/
A carbon copy of you to take your place?
Then you must be just like me,
And I like you,
Although I, I am the more faded, the uglier one,
I always get the bad end of these deals I didn't agree to make.

Look at me when I cry, look at me!
Comfort me and stroke my hair,
Comfort me and hold me even when you want to kill me
Comfort me you bitch!
Why do I always have to do it?
Why me? Why must I have to hold back my anger to comfort you?
Why am I your Mab?
Why must I be your consoling Claire?

Right, little girl, I only put myself first, right? Right?!
What about the way you hurt Ant and Jah Love?
What about the way you fucked Jah Love while you were with Ant?
Once, that would have been okay,
Well, more okay anyway
Once is an accident, once is a mistake,
Once is an "I learned my lesson ,forgive me, I love you"
Thirty two times is an entire different ball game.

Let's talk more about hurting people.
How about the way you hurt Jah Love? THe boy you used to love?
The way you brough Ant to Jah Love's territory, his space,
And kissed, and hugged, and giggled, and sat on Ant's lap
As Jah Love sat in a corner with his music turned up

But it's not okay for me to put myself first some times?
For such a little girl, you are a mighty big hypocrite.

Hey, little girl, let's talk about love.
If you really loved Ant, you wouldn't have given hickies to three girls
If he had really loved you, he wouldn't have made out with Duck
If he really loved you I wouldn't have to sit there and ask the person sitting next to me
If they would please say something to Ant about if you were there,
Would he act the same way?
And the person would respond that Ant never gets to have fun around you
Because they were tired of seeing Ant be hurt by you
The way I was tired of seeing Jah Love be hurt by you

Oh, little girl, what have you done?
Little girl, if you had really loved Jah Love you wouldn't have hurt him
The way that you did, so obliviously
Where were you when he was crying?
Fucking Anthony, that's right.
And if you didn't love him, then why couldn't I have him?
You can't have your boyfriend and fuck your ex too
Little girl, look at my blood, look at me with my razor in my fingers,
Because I don't think you understand,
I want to make you understand
I want to make everyone understand
Because everyone sees me as this person I'm not
If they saw my scars would they see the real me?
If they saw my 113 scars with my seven open wounds on my left leg
And my 7x1 square inches of open wonds on my right
Then would they see me?
Would they start to cry the way Kristen did?
Or would they turn away their eyes
You are my sister of the day
And my sister of the night
And even you don't see me.
Will you ever understand?
Little girl, little girl,
Beautiful little girl,
WIll you ever understand?
No, you won't.

2002-01-10T00:01:00.000-08:00

Blood And Pills

La de da di da, look at me, I'm a cutter. Oh yes my friends, I cut myself again. The outside of my right calf has "SELFISH BITCH" spanning down 7 inches long, an inch high. I also just took some pills. Hey, if Fairie Chick can try out my coping means why can't I try out hers? I only took six, because six is a nice, safe number. Or rather, it was safe in my minor-OCD period and I find myself looking to it for comfort often. Six six six. I'm not sure what they were, because it's dark in my kitchen and I didn't want to turn on the light.

In response to Fairie Chick's angry post, I have my answers.
*I wanted that dress since it first hit the shelves, ask Paco, he was with me many times as I lusted after it and he was with me many times when I tried it on
*You have the same shirt as me and Twin/Jessy, and I know that I got mine first out of the three of us, I'm not sure who got it first out of the two of you, so chill out
*You don't have to lie to me about doing the monologue. Hey, I know what it's like to have people bitching at me about my grades. I'll just remind you that it's *my* grade on the line for the monologue *you're* supposed to write, and I'll also remind you that when *your* grade was on the line I came through for you. Sixteen hours straight on the computer and I didn't go to sleep at all for you. And maybe I feel like I have to nag you because the last time you were in charge of something (turning in the storyboard and script), not only did you not turn it in, but you forgot to mention to Jessy and I that oops.
*I don't ignore you in school! The only time I ever see you is in English because you're always with Ant before school and on the breaks. I'm not bitching but that's where you are, how can I ignore you when you're never around?
*FUCK YOU. I do look down upon you for having unprotected sex, especially when condoms were right inside. Guess what? I've never had unprotected sex, EVER. Not with Robert, not with Jah Love, not with Leon. NEVER. So I don't know where you get off saying "and pulling out is not a form of protection" because I never had to. Why? I always use condoms! You're the one that's had to pull out, not me. Don't *even* get me started on that rant. I volunteered at scarleteen (the best sex education site on the net) for two years. I can't say I know a lot about the pill because I've never been on the pill. But on just about anything and everything else I will know ten times more than you. You wanted to get Trojan condoms, you didn't even know that they were more likely to break!
*Oooh, you cut too even though you knew it hurt everyone around you. And then you got pissed when I was showing concern and wanted you to stop because "I showed Pixie my scratch marks cause i knew she cut, and i hoped she would understand, but she just didnt want to hear anything about it and got mad at me" (straight from the blog), so don't even bitch at me now about my cutting.

Now, my turn to rant. Let's start with that boyfriend of yours, Ant is his name? Right. You love him, you want to marry him, you want to spend the rest of your life with him because he loves you too. I can't say that there was very much love between you two when you FUCKED Jah Love THIRTY TWO TIMES while you were STILL WITH ANTHONY. And, if I recall, you loved Jah Love, you had rings and even though it was corny and you thought it might not last, you still liked to think about maybe it would. And now, depending on your mood, he meant nothing to you, or he meant everything to you. If Anthony loved you so much then why was he making out with Duck? If you loved Anthony so much then why were you on that bed with Kristen, Bree and I? Gee, that sure sounds like the kind of relationship that lasts a lifetime to me, doesn't it to you? If you love Anthony and if he *really* loved you then why can't you be honest with him about your past?
*And on a little side rant, I thought that, as a chick with a lesbian mom you'd be a bit more openminded, instead of someone who says those lovely phrases such as "there is no such thing as a lipstick lesbian, they're just bisexual and in denial" and "she's a lesbian, she can't really have sex".

So, that's my little bitch. So, apparently since Jah Love I haven't been putting anyone else in front of me, I've been putting myself first. Well, maybe that's the way to live. I'm sorry, but my whole life I've been walked on, stepped over, and trampled, and if after fifteen years I finally want to put myself first then fuck it, I will. I will do whatever the fuck I want to. I have lived my life blaming myself, hating myself. I have lived my life backing off on *every* guy that a friend wanted when I wanted, even if I wanted them longer or if the guy had no interest in my friend. I have been fucked over not one, not two, but three times by my best girlfriends who made out with and jacked off the guy I loved and the guy I liked. I have always done all the work in group assignments. I have always been there when it came down to school shit and I did not say a word about it. I have blamed myself and hated myself for the entire portion of my life that I can remember, I started hurting myself when I was ten and I can't even remember why, I just remember needing to punish myself. I have grown up with a mom who resents me, is jealous of me, and thinks that I'm one of the most fucked up people she's ever met (considering she has a bipolar alchoholic sister, an abusive alchoholic dad, a gambling alchoholic crazy mom, that's saying a lot). I have a dad who "wouldn't lose any sleep if I killed myself" and I have a brother who wouldn't notice that I was gone except he would have no one to do him favors, do his chores when he wants to do something else, make him food, and go on food runs for him.

I was constantly hanging out with friends who made me feel like shit, and I let them. I have given up the few things I'm proud of because I either hated myself too much to do them (I shy away from things I'm good at. Or I burn and trash everything reminiscent of those things because I feel as if I don't deserve to be good at anything) or because I had to sacrifice something for someone and I sacrificed that.

I am continually being told I need to lose weight from my family members, and I never stop hearing about how when my mom was just a little bit older than me she was four inches taller, had DD's, and weighed twenty pounds less. I have told my mother that I loved her and had her look me in the eye and simply say "good night" in response. I can't remember the last time she touched me, or my dad. I have had her pushing me against the couch, cutting off my air supply by strangling me with two hands and with such hatred in her eyes that I thought she was going to kill me. I have been screaming and yelling and crying in my room with all my energy only to have my dad finally knock on the door, my mom tells him to go away, and he does. I have sat in a corner with my knees to my chest crying and coughing and cursing with my dad having a conversation with my uncle, laughing and talking as though I'm not there while my uncle tries to calm me down.

I have lied, cheated, and stolen to get almost everything I ever wanted or needed because I felt that was the only way I could get it at all.

So, excuse me for putting myself first. I fucking refuse to be unhappy because of other people, I do a damn good job of making myself unhappy on my own. Eep, now I see why she was always popping pills, but it makes you feel good and sick at the same time.

2002-01-09T18:03:00.000-08:00

So, today was pretty good. Actually, very good. I wrote Brandon a letter yesterday in geometry and at the end I was like, I guess I'm good, because I'm alive for the first time. And for the first time, I really am. This morning my abuelos and Gama left. *sigh* I wish he had been here longer. My dad drove me to school, I wore my new dress (the one that Fairie Chick doesn't have) and my boots. My dad was saying how he wished he had spent more time with Gama and I felt sort of bad, because Gama was always with me, y'know? But...it happens. Chemistry was cool. Our teacher was only there for a very short time, then our sub came so I could take off my sweater, lol. Thank god! It was cool. I just talked to Jordan, Vivi, and Tom all day. Tom was touching my back and stuff...hmm.... This guy, Pete, was sitting at my desk and he picked up my latest book (The Vagina Monologues. I totally recomend it to you). His eyes scanned the title and he instantly dropped it, it was too funny. Spanish was cool. We took a test that I probably got a D on, then I started writing a letter to my mom. Duck has it now, but I'll give it a permanent place on my homepage (which I need to work on) when I get it back. It's four pages long. I wrote it during the end of spanish, all of second break, and the begining of english. Mostly it's just me talking about my whole life and all the ways she's hurt me, and how I hate her and I hate myself for letting her get to me. There's a certain part I'll edit, because I don't feel comfortable talking about it on the internet, which is saying a lot because I say more here than I say in real life. But...it's something I've wondered and questioned my entire life, something that terrified and hurt me a lot. I'm slowly coming face to face with it, forcing myself to think about it. I told my friends about it, Fairie Chick, S, Duck, Marcio, Vivi...and I just try to think about it logically.

Someone was saying I should be more angry about it, that I always blame myself and don't get angry at other people. I can't help it. English was also spent touching Jessy and being touched. She stretched her back and I was like, omg you have boobs! She got a gel bra. After class I was like, Fairie Chick, show me your tits (she had this shirt that was all slit up, very cute) so she faces us. I turn Jessy sideways and point out her boobs, Fairie Chick immediatly says "you got a gel bra!". Robert (not mine, Gremlin Robert) was like, oh my gosh you guys are so open, it's weird. We just laught, I don't know, it's just how we are :)

My english teacher is so crazy. I would love to party with her, I think it'd be so fun. It's not like she's incredibly young, she has a son who goes to my school, and he's at least 16, but we watched a video of her trip to Australia, there was butterfly porn, some guys in a pub (she fast fowarded, lol), she said how she's going to have to pay for nights like new years and she's going to go to hell because of it.

After class I convinced Jessy to come with Paco, Giselle and I, since she didn't want to take the bus. We went to Taco Bell, which is becoming our usual haunt and it was so funny. I don't know, stuff is always really funny with any combo of the four of us :) And that's it, I suppose. Mmhm. I'm going to add more shiznit to my website. Get my two latest journal covers scanned, get some of my unfinished sketches scanned, add them to the art section. Put up a complete listing of all my poetry. The letter to my mom. More favorite books, my favorite movies, all that good stuff. It'll be great. I'm so egotistical sometimes. I guess what I really like is the whole, ooh, making a web page. And I have nothing better to make it on than me. I might make a fashion one soon, dedicated to the style of a Pixie, but I need more pics and acess to a scanner.

Oh, and by the way, if anyone wants to do a blog/journal link exchange I'd be happy to do that. You link to me, I link to you. If you've got a banner I'll stick it up, I've got one too. I want more publicity for my site, I'm not happy that my ratings haven't been climbing. Don't forget to clix me! (the link is at the bottom, it says "clix", please clix it. You can do it all your little heart desires, but not more than once an hour.

Pixie

2002-01-09T18:00:00.000-08:00

La

Okay, this is from my journal that I wrote Sunday night. I start school tomorrow. Uncool. So much siznit has happened. So, we went to Brian Head. The drive up was good becase we had Vegas radio almost the entire time. We stopped in St. George for breakfast for an hour. My parents didn't even mention that St. George was on the way. It makes me so pissed. I haven't seen Brandon since 8th grade and they couldn't mention we'd be in his town!? We get to Brian Head and Adrian missed is group lesson so my parents arrange for a private one. The babes and biscuits were so plentiful. It's like, a rule that you gotta be hot to go there. I decided that I wanted to snowboard after all, so I got some snow pants since we didn't bring any up for me. They set my parents back $115. Ask me if I care. I go get my rental board nad boots to save the time the enxt day, and I get signed up for a group lesson first thing Friday morning.

Go to the condo, make dinner, go to bed. (the next day my brother had washed a few dishes and my mom was like, oh, thank you, that's so considerate Did I get a thank you for making dinner? I washed all my dishes afterwards, had to wash all the dishes before I started because they were all dirty, and I served everyone. Nope, not one single appreciative word.) The next morning I'm totally a board babe, wearing my boy's snow pants, my thermals, tee, and beanie. I get there and get my boots changed, they were too small. The guys there arass me and tease me. I flirt right back and head to the designated spot. After a bit of confusion I end up in a group with an instructor named Lamen. I start off good, being the first person to go straight and turn and stuff, although I fall a lot I brush it off to being a beginer. Finally, we hit the slopes.I suck so badly. In the three times down the mountain I'd bet a lot of money that I fell more than sixty times. Ugh. The upside was that I couldn't get up on my own, so Lamen would come and help me up, every single time. He got cuter and cuter to me :) I had some really bad falls, I cried three times and each time Lamen would wipe away my tears. My first major fall I was going too fast and tried to stop, but went flying tits first into the snow instead :( Also managing to go face first, breaking my googles and making my beanie fly far far away. The breath was knocked out of me for like, five minutes. Ugh. I also managed to hurt my wrist and my knee and my ass and I just fell every way you could ever imagine falling.

Sadly, the lesson ended and I headed up to the lodge. I was hurtin'. I met Chef Steve, who took a billion times longer making my food than necessary to talk to me. He was pretty cool. I told him my sob story about falling so much and he was like, but dude, isn't it the greatest? Totally. I went down two more times with my mom later on (she was skiing), but I was just so weary of falling that I was going like a turtle in order to avoid any more major spills and hurts. I finally returned my board and boots, flirting with the guys there. As my family was leaving the lodge, there was this guy sitting on a bench totally looking at me. My first thought is he's a biscuit, my second thought is that he's checking me out or something because he's giving me the strangest look. Then he calls my name. I quickly scan my mind to figureout who he is. Then he says "lamen." Oh my gosh. He looked so different without a beanie! (in case you're wondering, he looks like he's a mexican/asian mix, with very dark tan skin, straight white teeth, these pretty brown eyes, and a head of messy black hair. He's pretty short though...probably my height, not much talle) I tell him about how I'm hurting and then we leave.

The next day is Saturday. Up again, bright and early. I told my dad that I felt like such a boy, wearing my boy pants, and my boyish thermals, and my boy's tee shirt with my boy's Vans tucked under the couch. He said that it's hard to look like a girl when you snowboard, but I manage to do it because I fall so much :/ Thanks dad, lol. I only went down once because I'm a loser. I told everyone that I went down four times and the last time on a fall I hurt my knee. Not an entire lie, I mean, my knee did hurt (they're both still bruised), I just didn't want my parents to bitch that they spent forty bucks for my lift pass and I only went down once. I *do* feel bad about that. I just hung out in the lodge, keeping my eyes open for Lamen, sitting at a table drinking some Vanilla Cream Soda (I thought it was a root beer). Adrian and Ryan came in, and they were like "you're drinking already? you must have fallen a lot". *smirks* The assholes are pretty good at boarding. Finally, I see Lamen, we talked for a while, flirting and stuff. I apologize for not recognizing him the day before and we laugh. Finally another instructor is like, "where's your group?" and he's like, I gotta go work. He playfully hits me with his gloves and off he goes. I sigh and walk around for another minute, then head back for my table. Dude, there his group of kids is waiting for h im to give them their lunches at the table right next to me. It's so cute to see guys playing with kids :) He's like "hey kids, this is Brittany, isn't she pretty? Brittany, these are my boys for the day" (to which the only two girls in the group promptly yelled out "hey!") We talked, but he kept getting pulled away to do job stuff, like heat up a cup o' noodle, or get drinks, or take some kiddos to the bathroom. But, it was really nice. I checked out his palm, and it said he had no stress. I stole his beanie and tried to convince him that he should let me keep it. He wasn't down with that :( Finally, he had to go to the other mountain :( We hugged. Twice. And he was like, dude, I wish I had a pen to get your number. I told him to check my file, but I don't know if he heard me or if he knew what I meant (my number is on the paper in my rental file). I'm thinking of calling the lodge and leaving my number as a message to him, but...I don't know.

We drive home. Gama's here. I have three unsats and my terra nova's came. My mom made me cry. She was like, blah blah grades, blah blah scores. I asked her if she'd let me see my test scores (she didn't last time), and she was like no. Later she was like, don't you want to see? And I'm like no. And she's like, oh that's right, you don't give dick shit about anything. I was in my room crying, Gama and my dad were there and my dad's just talking to Gama like his daughter isn't sitting in the corner with her knees to her chest crying and saying "fuck" a lot. That makes me so angry, he just pretends I'm not there and that nothing is wrong. But, either way I as allowed to go to Gena's and spend the night there with Gama. But as I leave she yells to me not to even ask to go out for the next nine weeks ("well, then that just saves you the time and hassle of asking, you can just go" - Vivi). At Gena's house, Chole, Patty, Brent, Taylor Blue, and my abuela are tehre. Chole askes where we came from, my uncle says hell, and she nods and says she believes it. I mostly hung out with everyone, being happy with my family. I'm so angry at my mom. She's always voicing her opinions to me about my family, and since really I don't know any of them that well I just nod and believe it. She's just a bitch and so wrong about everyone. Why am I surprised?

Patty, Gama and I are sitting at the table eating dinner when Gama says quietly to Patty if he and I can have some brownies. She's like, sure, *chew chew chew* "you and who!?" But, she gave in. We go to their house (their being Patty and Brent. By the way, Patty is my dad's cousin, Brent is her husband, and Taylor Blue is their daughter. She's the only girl cousin I have under the age of 15, and she's the only cousin under the age of 15 on my dad's side that speaks english. I must say, she's my favorite because of those two things) and get a brownie. I talked to Patty and she's like, since when do you do pot? And I tell her about y'know, how I've done pot and how I drink and how I sneak out almost every weekend and all that. Gama and I go to Gena's, pick up Chole, take her home (her final words to us are to have a good time, decide on our story before my parents ask, and don't contradict myself. My entire family is like, conspiring for me to have a good time) and then go to Kinko's where is friend Aaron works. On the way I eat the brownie, which tastes exactly the way pot smells. Amy kept calling, she was with Amber (from the night that I fucked Leon, my one night stand) and she wanted me to come over. No no no. At the place Aaron eats the other half of the brownie.

It was the coolest thing ever. I was so happy and laughing. My toes and fingers were tingling and I was afraid that I'd just float away. Patty was saying how Judy had a tiny bit and ad a bad trip. I'm like, fuck, it's just pot, you can't trip on pot! Now I totally understand. I was so happy and eerything was so beautiful. We were listening to music and driving around, and I remember thinking that the music was so beatiful. Like, so many layers of beats all wrapped aorund each other. It was so great. I had chilli cheese fries from Jack In The Box, and they were so good. the cheese was so beautiful and gooey and good, and everything was beautiful and great and you understand everything so much better (especially movies set in the seventies with hippies, it all makes sense now).

On Sunday everyone was over at my house, and I spent a lot of time talking to Judy and Patty (I'm going to write out who everyone is in my family at the end of this post, and then add it to the "cast list" when I get on my own computer). So, it was cool to talk to them since I never really did before. On Monday I found out that I had a D in chemistry, yuck. Nic read my entire blog and now he hates me. I guess he thinks I dumped him for Robert. I did break up with Nic, and I am now in some kind of a relationship with Robert that mostly consists of us fucking. I went back and read my old posts and I specificaly said that I wasn't breaking up with Nic for Robert. So, fuck him. I broke up with him because I wasn't happy with and in our relationship and it wasn't fair for him or for me to be in a relationship halfheartedly. After school my uncle picked me up and we went shopping. I got two new dresses from Hot Topic (on clearance). Fairie Chick has one of them, and a really cool shirt from Cash For Chaos. I don't like that store as much as I hoped to. It's like a wannabe Allston Beat with worse prices. Gothics and punkers and whoever else is going to shop at that store aren't known for having a lot of money. Actually, they're not, they're known for stealing and thrifting and making it yourself. Eighty bucks for a pair of pants? That's bullshit. That's absolute bullshit. I realize the store is making a killling, but why do they have to do that? People bitch about Hot Topic being like a DIY Gothic kit, and they're trendy and national and this and that, and their prices aren't the best but they're not that bad! Fuck them, I'd rather shell out 50 bucks for pants at Hot Topic than 80 for the same ones at Cash For Chaos.

We also got me a tuner and six packs of strings and a string winder. We were walking aorund the Fashion Show Mall. For those of you who aren't Vegas natives, it's our high class mall on the Strip, with Saks Fifth Avenue, and Neiman Marcus. Me in my big boots and cherry dress. Everyone was looking at me funnily, it was like one giant American Eagle, with everyone giving me these looks telling me that I don't belong. *sigh* I changed my guitar strings. It's not as hard as I thought it woudl be. The last two strings were stuck so we had to take it to Guitar Center and it was really easy to fix. gama's going to take my guitar to be "set up" and get my bridge flushed so that it doesn't move.

At home, Judy kicked Gama out of my room to talk to me, which was weird. She said that she had been talking to Patty and they just wanted tot ell me that they love me unconditionally, no matter what, and they'll always be here for me, no matter what, and they'll never judge me. She started to get teary eyed and then started to cry. She also told me that no matter what, no matter when, no matter where she'll give me a ride home if I need one and she won't tell my parents. It was really cool, because I don't talk to them much and they live so far away, and I feel so much closer to my family now.

Today I went to school wearing Fairie Chick's mom's girlfriend's army pants. Comfy. Robert got his braces off, which is very strange and cool at the same time. Marcio had a sex dream about Duck, *laughs*. Everything is just sort of normal, I suppose. After school I talked to S. for a while, which is something I have't done for a while. I was ten minutes late to get outside to wait for my uncle, but he was ten minutes late picking me up so it was perfect timing. We went and got a slurpee and dropped my guitar off at Advanced Guitar. I can pick it up on Saturday. Maybe I'll just walk there, it's really close.

At home Taylor Blue and Patty were there. I played with Taylor for a long time. She's so great. Just laughing and talking (some english, some spanish, some gibberish) and being silly. What a cute kiddo. They left and I started on my english poster, now Judy and her kids are here and we talked for a while. I guess everything's cool. I wrote Brandon a letter in geometry that I want to send tomorrow. Adios.

My Family
Mom's Side:
*grandad is not talked about often, he was an abusive alchoholic and I didn't see him much growing up. He died when I was in seventh grade
*grama is referred to as: Grama or grandma or grandmom
*she had three daughters, the oldest is my aunt Joan (the teacher), the middle is my mom (a teacher), the youngest is my aunt Brenda (the stripper)
*my mom married my dad and had two kids, my older brother Adrian, and me
*my aunt Joan married Angel, and they had two kids. Alexander, who became mentally retarded because of some weird and uncommon disease, he died when he was 18 a few years ago, and Angel Adres, who is 8

Dad's Side:
*abuelo, my grandad
*abuela, my grama (they live in New Mexico)
*my abuela has one sister that *I* know, her name is Elvira
*my abuelos had five kids: Chole/Soledad, Enrique/Henry, my dad, Gena, and Gama
*Chole has two daughters (I never knew her husband), Liz and Judy (24)
*Judy married Jose and has three kids, Sebastian (four), Christian (two), and Jonathen (a few months)
*Henry married Anita, and has one daughter, Sarah (fifteen, her birthday is two days before mine and they live in El Paso)
*Gena lives with her boyfriend, John
*Gama is my favorite uncle, I'm sure everyone knows who he is, he lives in Boston and has a girlfriend, Rie
*Elvira (my abuela's sister) married this guy whose name I can't spell and who I've seen on about three occasions, he only has one lung due to smoking or something. She had one kid, Patty.
*Patty (32) married Brent and has one daughter, Taylor Blue (she's three or four)

Awww, my family. Pixie

2002-01-06T02:20:00.000-08:00

Hee hee. I'm back in town. Don't have time to talk now. I'm kikin it with my uncle. Pixie

2002-01-02T18:21:00.000-08:00

Viva La Vivi

Well well well. Today I went and watched my brother and mom get snow boots and snow pants. It's unneccesary for me because I will not be skiing or snowboarding. My mom is in shock, but I know I'm not interested. I'm just not. We all got pretty bitchy and my mom called my attitude shitty. Well, duh. I mean, why don't I have a good attitude? I don't want to go! (my uncle asked my dad if I could stay and he said no). Why should I have a good attitude? I'm going somewhere I don't want to go and it'll be exactly like being at home, except no computer and no phone. And that would be okay except the one thing I was looking foward to (getting new books, or at least reading some new books) isn't going to happen. Of course I have a shitty attitude. But, we're over it now.

She also got pissed at me for telling Julio we're going on a trip. Because no one is supposed to know (she thinks our house is going to get broken into. Not like it'll be empty, my uncle will be here). My brother mentions that he told his friends and she's all, "oh, well it's not your friends I'm worried about". Right. When she met three of his friends (the first time) they were talking about how they all cheated on this test (it was scandelous, an entire class cheated). That's a good first impression. She doesn't even know my friends. But, I digress.

Viva la Vivi! Everyone, Vivi started a blog and I'm doing her publicity :) So, go check it out. You can find it here. There's also a link to it at the bottom of my page. She's good for comic relief :) Oh, and sign her guestbook, not like you sign mine or anything, but sign hers. Adios monkeys, see you in a few days. Pixie

2002-01-01T14:32:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year

And I still only have 113 scars. Bad ass. I'm so proud of myself, it's been a while since I've been proud of myself. And usually it's about something that other people look at and say "big deal". I started my new year off reading a lot of Heather's (Mz. S to you scarletfolk) journal that I missed, and then looking at oodles of pictures, reading oodles of articles and I found a really slinkster cool site that I think I'll be going back to. I just can't help it, I think Heather's like, the coolest chica ever and I so look up to her the way all these 12 year olds look up to Britney Spears. I think Heather is a much better role model, in my own opinion. All in all, a good night. However, I didn't get to bed until 6 am and my mom woke me up to get my library books (I had one). Well, we couldn't find one, and spent the next hour looking for it. Including looking in my room. Surprisingly, I'm big on my privacy. It freaks me out to the point of almost having an anxiety attack when someone is in my room looking for something. Well, while my mom was "looking for the book" she managed to find condoms, dental dams, lube (practice safe sex kiddies) which she didn't mention to me, but I know she found. She also found two packs of cigarettes. Blah. Fortunatly, they're in a black beanie. My mom asked me who's beanie it was and I automatically responded Fairie Chick. Eep. Sorry! But I suppose it's a fair trade of...your parents know I'm having sex, my mom thinks that you smoke (well, I told her I was trying to get you to quit, explaining why the cigarettes were in my room). I hate hate hate people in my room.

We never found the fucking book. I told her it wasn't in there and she didn't have to throw my room apart looking for it. Well, it happens. Now I've got to go clean my room, do my laundry, wash the windows (inside *and* out she says to me, as though I'm a dumbass that only washes one side of windows), clean the living room. Bleh. Oh, btw, it was Julio who put me in that horrible mood last night. I'm always in a pretty icky mood on New Year's, but he just started saying shit. So I turned up my music and ignored him (he was on speakerphone). Finally he's like, "I'm not going to beg you to stop this" So I hung up on him. Oooh, watch the mean bitch in her come out. *rolls eyes*. He called me back, I told him to stop calling. He called a little after midnight to wish me a happy new year, and apologized, which came out more like "I was all happy and giddy that I finally pissed you off, I was running around with this big grin on my face" which is absolutely uncool in my book. Fuck him. I don't plan on talking to him for a while. Fuck that shit. So, yeah. Sorry about that guys. But I'm here, I'm unscarred, if a bit pissed off. Pixie

2002-01-01T01:40:00.000-08:00

Oops, 113, silly me, I don't know how to count.

2002-01-01T01:37:00.000-08:00

Cutter Cutter Cutter

Why do you try to hurt me? Why do you do it on purpose? How you can you be glad when you make me angry? How can it please you? How can it make you smile knowing that you made me want to hurt myself? I hate you for that and I'll never forgive you, but all I can say in response is nothing. All I can do is stop speaking and turn my music up loud until I hang up on you. And when you call back I say "please stop calling me". That's all the malice I can muster for you but I hate you for it. You hurt me you bastard and I hate you.

I must admit, I've been looking at self-injury pictures. There are so many out there, although they're hard to find. I almost have the sick feeling of wanting, wanting you all to see my injuries. Make you understand. Images speak so much louder than words. I can say I cut myself 30 times, I can say that I have 55 scars on my right hip, but you can't really know unless you see. Hmm...I'll toy with the idea of letting you see that side of me. "My pant leg is raised, my ankle exposed. I angrily shove it down, hiding the words that I carved there last night" "And cover my wrists with my shirt sleeve, because I know you hated that side of me". How sad to think that that was written by a 14 year old version of me. I think, fourteen is too young to feel that, to do that, to say that. But then I think and realize that I started much younger. Too young.

So, I really desire to cut myself. I haven't yet, but I will admit I've been looking for triggers, looking for an excuse. It wasn't my fault, I can say, I did it because I saw the picture. But, pictures don't even trigger me anymore. All those people, all those scars. Millions of other people just like me, with the same scars, even more. I've lived through terrorists killing hundreds of Americans in a few short seconds, I've lived through countless school shootings, I've never seen a day where you could have unprotected sex and not worry about dying, thousands of teenagers have killed themselves in the 15 years and 9 months I've been alive. It makes me so sad, so unbelievably sad. So many of my favorite celebrities self injure. Shirley Manson, Christina Ricci, Johnny Depp, Fionna Apple. How sad. I can't even comprehend it. Isn't that what cutting for me is all about? A way of dealing with uncomprehendable emotions and feelings.

On the one hand, I want to cut, I want the easy way out, I want blood and scars and pain. I need it. On the other hand I don't. I say it's been so long since I've done it. I say then I have to confess, then I need another time of waiting for my scars to heal. I have to think of all the people I want to hide it from and how I would hide it. It is so complicated, it is so hard. It makes me uglier, it leaves me scars, so many scars, raised and pink and red and ugly. Let's do a count-up, shall we? I think so. Two scars on my left hand. Thirty one on my left fore-arm (some are hard to see). Seven on my left upper-arm/shoulder area. One on my right hand (that ever fateful punching of hard objects). Nine lines on my lower left leg/ankle area. And then it says CRUEL SELFISH CRAZY, and I don't know how to count letters. But, they take up about 12 square inches (4x3 for those curious). Four on the left breast. You can barely fade out some of the letters of WORTHLESS on my lower abdomen. Fifty-one on my right hip (ever fading). Seven on my upper right thigh. Grand total of 109. I'm too young to have 109 scars. Way too young. That saddens me too.

Can I live without it? Can I? Can I? Will I ever? I don't know. I don't know. I just can't answer any questions right now, it's too hard. I'd go jam out on my guitar but I can't because I can't fucking play. Off I go now, to see if I can handle my own craziness. Pixie

2002-01-01T00:11:00.000-08:00

New Year

I'm still in a horrible mood, but I thought I'd take a time out to say that while I hate Las Vegas, it is the place to be on New Years Eve. I just watched the 8 minute firework display that was happening on the strip, on 13 hotel/casino roftops, at the same time, and it was quite amazing. Especially when you consider that those weren't the only fireworks here. We also had some at the Fiesta, the Santa Fe, Texas, and probably Sunset too. They're just everywhere, which is why it's cool to be in Vegas. Back to being a pissed off bitch. Pixie

2001-12-31T22:34:00.000-08:00

Hurt

I'm just a little girl that hurts myself. Just a little girl. I"m just a fucked up little girl. Isn't it funny the way all the hurtful things everyone's ever said to you - even in jest, come back to you when you're at your worst? And they all swirl around in your head, their faces, their words.

"You're just another Fairie Chick, that's all you'll ever be, you're just a replacement of me."
"Sometimes I wonder if you're just a child, a little girl because you cut yourself."
"Just because you had good intentions doesn't make you a good person, you still hurt people."
"You're just a fucked up girl, I never deserved to have a daughter like you."
"you're a horrible person, cruel and mean, and you're selfish and you don't give a damn about anyone."
"You're a selfish bitch and you'll never let yourself be happy."
"Stop being overdramatic, it's not a big deal."
"I'm sorry, I love you so much and I never meant to hurt you, but..."
"You know what your problem is? Your problem is that you don't have a problem so you have to make one for yourself."
"I don't know Pixie, I have to agree, you're just doing it for attention."

I figured out why I like Robert so much. But I'm not going to say, because I really don't care for anyone to know. Leave me alone. I'm just a fucked up little girl who cuts herself and hurts herself for no fucking reason. Leave me alone. I don't need you, I don't need me, I don't need this. I'm not sure who I'm talking to, but I don't need any of it.

2001-12-31T17:50:00.000-08:00

Fucked Up Again

Once again I've fucked shit up by opening my own big mouth. Fuck this shit, fuck that shit, that's how I feel. Someone said that they need to talk to me more about it before I get upset. Right, like it won't be upsetting. But I can't say who that someone is. Apperently it's not cool to talk about other people in my blog, MY blog. You don't want to read my blog, don't. I warn everyone who wants to read it that I'm utterly truthful and honest in here on how I see the world, and how I see my life and how I see things. But, now it's not cool to talk about other people besides myself. It wasn't a problem before for me to talk about other people until one special person gets upset. Because lots of people get upset when they read my blog. But this *one* person gets upset and now it's all a problem.

You know, four people called me up today asking about "someone who's name I can't say". Asking if it was about them. Four different unrelated people. Some of them don't even know the other people. What does that show you? That almost everyone does it. When I wrote it I was talking about one person in particular, and then I thought about it and realized it was about someone else entirely. And then I realized it was really about this other person. Then people started calling me asking me if it was about them, and I told them all sure it's about you, because really it is about you. To everyone who reads this, it's about you. And one of them is pissed which makes my other friend pissed which makes me go ahhh!

Fuck everyone, it's about all of you. Everyone says one thing and means another. Every single one of you. I do it, you do it, your parents do it. That's just how this sick sad world works. So, fuck that shit. People think it's them because they know it's them. They know that do it. People get upset because they're afraid it's them, and they read more into it then it ever said. It says "say one thing and mean another". That's all it says, nothing less, nothing more, don't read more into it, it's not about more. It's about saying one thing and meaning another. It's about how I say I'm fine when I know I'm not, it's about smiling when you're not smiling inside, it's about being with someone just because it's too complicated to break up with them, it's about pushing your feelings back until you don't feel them anymore, it's about forcing yourself to be something you're not when you don't even know what you are.

I have to go clean now since I fell asleep last night instead of doing my chores, so my dad's pissed and I have to clean. I'm not going to party tonight, I've decided to rebel against New Years Eve, it's too cliche to party. That's a cool way of saying that I just want to go to bed. Bye monkeys. Pixie

2001-12-30T19:29:00.000-08:00

Why can't people just say what they feel and mean what they say? I'm feeling so Bob. Fuck high school. You've got people like Lola, who live a lie and lie to their partner until they finally do what they want to do, while saying something so different from what they mean. And it works, because she's with a really great guy now, but it could have been different. And you've got Cupcake, who can't just say I don't want to do LDR, instead he just doesn't e-mail his girlfriend until she gets tired of it and gets a new boyfriend. You have people like Fairie Chick, who lie to their partners about their past. You have people like, someone who's name I can't say, who say one thing and mean another. You have people like me who won't tell you the truth because they know it'll hurt you. But it's high school drama and it's stupid shit and it makes me sick, quite frankly.

and i wake up in the darkness and i
don't have the will anymore to wonder
everyone has a skeleton
and a closet to keep it in
and you're mine
every song has a you
a you that the singer sings to
and you're it this time
baby, you're it this time
i care less and less
what people think
and you are so lame
you always disappoint me
it's kinda like our running joke
but it's really not funny
i just want you to live up to
the image of you i create
i see you and i'm so unsatisfied
i see you and i dilate
when i say you sucked my brain out
the english translation
is i am in love with you
and it is no fun
but i don't use words like love
'cuz words like that don't matter
but don't look so offended
you know, you should be flattered
and i know that i'm better
off alone

Ani knows what's going on. *sigh* She's great. And those are selected lyrics from a song called Dialate. Pixie

2001-12-30T19:16:00.000-08:00

Nyuk Nyuk

I feel awfully blah. Hot Topic Trevor called me. We talked for a very short while because my dad called wanting to talk to my mom. I found out that he's 22, divorced, ummm...I used to know his job, now I don't remember. Hmmm. I'm so tired and blah, I'm ready to pass out but I'm supposed to do my chores first but I say fuck my chores. Maybe I'll change my mind later on. Maybe I'll work on my english project. We'll see. My mom and dad are at the Niel Diamond concert. Personally, I feel they are way too young to like Niel Diamond, but it leaves me alone in the house so I can't complain.

So Vivi told Nic that Robert and I have been having sex. I guess a few days ago she was talking to him and he's like, I will get over her, I will. And then today they were talking and she's like, sweetie you have to get over her, you *have* to. And he's like, but I love her, blah blah, give me a good reason. She tried to reason with him, he wasn't having any of it. So...she gave him a good reason. Hey, she's having sex with Robert. Well, I guess he was upset and he's like, tell me why she really broke up with me, blah blah. And Vivi's like, it just wasn't working and it's all blah.

He's very much lockdowned, he's grounded from staying out all night. He told his parents he was at Blueberry Hill for eight hours. Uh-huh, yeah. That's what they said. And Bob is also very grouned, everyone is afraid to call him to see how grounded he is. Blah. I'm going to go be blah. Pixie

2001-12-30T14:19:00.000-08:00

Crazy Little Party Girl

Whew. Crazy night. So, I sneak out last night to go to Rocky with Vivi, and Julio was going to be there too. I get there and hang out with Vivi and Julio. Scott is there and Nathan is too and it's all good until Vivi gets a phone call from Chicago, Mikal, Bob, and Robert. They're on there way. So, we wait outside for them and they finally get there but they didn't have money to stay. I didn't want to go and ditch Julio...but I did. His friends think I'm a bitch now. So, we're off in a stolen car, sorta. It's the gay guy sleeping on Robert's couch's car (the guy that gave me a ride home), but he was out of town. Robert's mom said they couldn't take it but she was at her girlfriend's house so who cares, right? So, off we go on our merry little way. We drop Chicago off at home and then we go to pick up Shane.

Then we go to Robert's house where I proceed to help myself to some drinks. They wanted to play video games and I'm like, blah, that's boring, so we started watching porn. But then the porn stopped, I don't remember why and we were watching TV and it was some little car thing, I don't know. But I wanted to watch Blade. Robert was like, no no let's watch this blah blah blah. So I do what every girl does when she wants to get her way. I sit on his lap and start biting his neck until he gives in. So we watch Blade :)

Then Bob, Shane, and Vivi leave to go get mexican food for Robert. Mikal was still there. Robert was off doing something so I was rubbing Mikal's back and next thing you know I'm sitting on his lap biting his neck. I so didn't mean to do that. Why do I always do that to Mikal when I'm drunk? Eep. So, Robert gets pissed and goes out to the couch, so I follow him and sit on the couch with him and we're both basically like, what the fuck is going on. And I'm like we're not together and he's like I'm not jealous and we're both like how do you feel? I started to cry. He said that sometimes he thinks I'm just a little girl or something because I cut myself, which made me more upset and I was just like, fuck this fuck that. Does cutting make me a little girl? Does hurting myself make me like a child? And I showed him all my scars. My wrist, which he's seen, my ankles, which he hadn't noticed. My hips, which he also hadn't noticed and he's just like jesus.

And I was just like, blah, you drive me crazy because I like you and I care about you and you hurt me and I told myself I would never let myself like anyone like you again but I do and it scares me so much because I don't know what's going on. We were both just ahhh. Then they came home, and they left again, I think? I don't know, but no one was home. So, Robert and I go into his room and I'm just sitting on him and he's like, you're such a tease you're horrible :) So, we had sex. I was like, don't you think it's a bad idea to have sex with a drunk girl, and he said that since we've had sex before he thinks that it's okay. He's got this really amazing quality. We're having sex, and he comes on me (maybe those porn stars aren't lying, it's just a really good feeling), and then we keep having sex until I come. He just stays hard until I'm done. I bit his shoulder. Hard. It left a mark. I couldn't help it. *laughs* It was great make-up sex, I suppose.

So then everyone comes home again and I was like, ahh Vivi we need to talk so we go into the bathroom and we're talking, I don't remember about what. This is apparently where I was hitting on her. I don't really remember that either. Ehh. So, they take her home. When they get back it's just me, Robert, Bob, Mikal, and Shane. And then Robert pulls out the pot and Shane, Robert and I smoke it, Mikal gets pissed at Shane. They left to go to Fat Burger, leaving Shane and I home. It was good, we talked. We were just talking about everything. He gave me tips to give better head, I gave him tips for this girl he likes, he petted me and asked me about Robert. He's a strange kid. He was just like, Does Robert pet you? Does he tell you that he loves you? Does he tell you that you're beautiful? When they get back Mikal is still pissed and it's just a bad scene and it's all, I'm taking Pixie home, Shane you have to walk, and this and that.

So I put on my shoes and Mikal and I go downstairs and get into the van and next thing you know *everyone* is in the van with us. So, we take them to Fat Burger and they walk home and it's just Bob, Mikal and I. They're driving me home and Mikal's all like, what's up with you and Robert, and I'm like, "I don't know, I avoid relationships because I don't want a high school drama relationship, and I don't even have a relationship with him but we still have all the drama that I never wanted" and Bob was all, I love you. Bob's really cool, I never realized his coolness before. So, I sneak in.

I woke up this morning with a horrible hangover. Gah...horrible. I never get hungover. Vivi calls me and she's like, did Bob get home? I say yeah, but then I think about it and realize I was dropped off first. Turns out at 9am this morning Bob's dad calls her asking her if she's seen him and she's like no, because her dad was right there. And she's like nope I wasn't with him. So...turns out at 10am they took Shane home to get ready for work, where Bob's parents were waiting since he was supposed to be at Shane's house. Uh-oh.

Oh sheesh. I was just talking to Kristen on the phone saying how I wonder if I should put condoms in a random drawer in my brother's room, and my brother walks in the room. *laughs* Either he didn't hear or he pretended not to because he was in a rush. So, that was my night, mmhm. Oh, Julio's pissed at me. He called me this morning and started calling me a bitch and stuff, and then he was like I can't even get angry at you, this sucks. So, we're cool now. I told him, he's not mad at me, he's mad at himself for letting me get to him. It took him like, 2 hours to be like okay that's why I was mad, I know you already told me that.

"This song is dedicated to every kid who got picked last in gym class, this is for you, to every kid who never had a date to no school dance, this is for you, to everyone who's ever been called a freak, this is for you. Like the time in school when we got free lunch and the cool kids beat us up, and the rich kids had convertibles and we had to ride the bus, like the time we made the baseball team but they still laughed at us, like the time that girl broke up with me because I wasn't cool enough". I like Good Charolette. :)

2001-12-30T03:44:00.000-08:00

So, I'm at Robert's house. I've had a bit to drink. I ditched Julio, I feel bad, but y'know, it happens. Yeah. Okay, Robert says I'm drunk so I must be. I didn't have that much to drink....like 6 shots of After Shock which has a lower proof than vodka so I didn't think I'd be like this, but it happens. Vivi was here, but she went home. We're waiting for Shane and Bob and Mikal. Uh-huh. Well, I'll go now, just wanted to let you know. I love you Kristen, everyone says you're sexy. I wasn't threatened when you gave Jah Love a lapdance because you were a good friend of his. No, it's because you're too cute for your own good. I'm going to go now, Adios my friends. Lola, I'm happy for you, I think this is really great. Fuck Sid, God is your future, he's your happiness, stay with him. :) Adios. Pixie

2001-12-28T22:45:00.000-08:00

So Fairie Chick got a bass after all, how fucking slinkster cool is that? Anyways, check out this quote *smirk* "A guitarist is by nature an emotional sort of person. I mean, it’s such an emotional instrument, I think it attracts people of a highly sensitive nature, who need to learn to play so they can express that emotion, so it doesn’t drive them crazy" What do you think?

2001-12-28T22:24:00.000-08:00

Hanging By A Moment

*sigh* I want to be in love. My dad took me to KFC to get some food (much to my mom's dislike. She wanted to go to Chapala's earlier and he was tired, but bleh, I won't get into that) and I'm slowly trying to eat the whole thing. How nice it would be to be able to eat a whole, normal sized meal! But, my tummy is too small. Did you know that when you don't eat a lot your stomach actually shrinks so that you get fuller faster? Yup. It wouldn't be so bad, not being able to eat a lot, if I were skinny. But I'm not. So. There you go. Bleh.

I wish I were in love. On the drive home that song came on and I'm just like, I want to feel that way about someone, I want to be so head over heels recklessly in love. But, I'm sort of glad I'm not. Because that's how you get hurt. What is it with me and getting hurt? Why can't I just accept that you get hurt sometimes in life, that's just how it goes? Because, I'm superhuman, I don't get hurt. I'm thinking of going down to the Strip on New Years. It'll be so packed, if I dress up no one will ever ID me. I can get wasted from people buying me drinks (or, at least demi-wasted, I still have to get myself home in the morning). Hmmm. I don't know yet, we'll see.

Well, I'm going to go play my guitar. Ooh, my sweet sweet guitar. My uncle is so right, once you get one you fall in love with it and then when you're happy, you play guitar, when you're sad, you go play your guitar, when you're bored, you play your guitar, when you're angry, you play your guitar. My guitar is my new best friend :) Tomorrow I'm going down to Guitar Center to get some more picks, because I don't want to lose my pick some night and be stuck having to use some flimsy ass pansy pick until I can get myself down there. Hmm hmm hmm. It should be fun. There are always sexy chicos and chicas there. yum yum. Adios mis amigos. Pixie

2001-12-28T21:11:00.000-08:00

Dreaded Mall

My mom, dad and I pile into my dad's bronco to go pick up my brother from work. Then we headed to the mall (galleria). At the doors we seperated. I headed for Hot Topic, they headed for American Eagle. At Hot Topic they were having a mondo sale on their clearance. I got the black dress with cherries on it. Ten dollars, ten bucks my friend! Oh yeah. They had some other cool stuff, but nothing in my size. Bummer. I also got these tights that are like fishnets but the diamonds are bigger. A pain in the ass to put on, but a cool effect. While there I met this guy, Trevor, not to be confused with Jah Love. I had to ask him to open the dressing room for me. He was all, give me a doller. I was like, I have no money! He sighed and said, women, always making the men do everything. I rolled my eyes. We smiled. So, he opens it for me. As I'm reaching out my arm to grab the curtain he notices my arm. He asks me what happened, I tell him I had a bad day. He said that he used to do that. He asked me what had happened, I told him it was a long story, and he was like, it couldn't have been that bad, you should see some of my days. I smiled at him and said you work at Hot Topic! You get a 40% discount! After I decided to get the dress we talked a little more, he asked me how old I was and stuff, but he had to go do the register. So, I bought my stuff and he said that I should give him my number. I did, he gave me his. Hmmmm. Was he cute? Sorta. Well, he was good looking but in a strange sort of way I guess. I don't know. He had a labret, his tongue pierced, and ears gauged to about a 6g. A goatee. Pretty eyes. So...hmmm. He said I should call him, that he's good to talk to. I don't know if he gave me his number in an "ooh, you're cute give me a call" kind of way or a "you remind me of my kid sister and I want to help you" kind of way. I don't plan on calling him, he can call me and we'll find out. He's older. I'd say 23 or 25.

I also got the Linkin Park CD and a black cuff with rhinestones on it. From Claire's, but it was 2 bucks so I won't complain. I just can't figure out how to buckle it. It's got like, two mini D-rings and gah. I'm hopelessly lost. So, I go to American Eagle, feeling all awkward in my big boots and blackness, my family wasn't there. I go to Anchor Blue, there they are. *sigh* I feel so awkward in my own body. Like, at Sam Goody when I was getting the CD a whole bunch of punkers walked in and I'm looking at them and they're looking at me, and I just feel like I'm being judged. Gah.

I sat on a bench with my mom waiting for my dad and brother. Usually my brother comes to me for advice about clothes and stuff, but I don't want to embarrass him with my big boots and weirdness, so I just stay out of the stores and give him my advice later. I want to get fuzzy black slippers and silky black PJ pants. And a black sweater. I'm hoping to find the later two at Old Navy when I go. My brother might bring a friend with us to Utah. I'm not going to ask to stay behind, I'll only miss a day and a half of being with my uncle and I just can't ask. I've got this thing about...well, it's just hard for me to ask for things because I feel I don't deserve it. haha, I feel I don't deserve to not go to Utah. My parents are all surprised that I don't want to snowboard or ski. I'm really not interested. I just want to play my guitar and read. I'm hoping that my parents will take me to Barnes and Noble to buy a whole bunch of books. Perhaps for the cost that it would have been had I wanted to snowboard or ski. Hehe. I don't mind Ryan (my brother's friend) coming with (although, notice that I wasn't asked if there was anyone that I wanted to bring. Oh well). Actually, I'd prefer it to the alternative (my aunt and little cousin coming. They came with us on the New Mexico/Washington DC/Boston trip a few years ago. Two weeks. It was awful. I love my aunt, I love my little cousin, but a few hours with them is enough. Also, Ryan is a really good guitar player and I'd just feel stupid playing around him. Not stupid enough to make me leave my guitar behind, but pretty stupid nonetheless. Pixie

2001-12-28T14:59:00.000-08:00

Don't Go Into A Gay Bar Unless You're Gay

Whew, wild times. I think I'm in love with zwan :) Now, onto my night. So, I sneak out of my house and I'm walking down my street and I see this guy crouched under the streetlight, fixing a remote control car. So, I walk by, we look at each other and smile, because I live in a friendly neighborhood, y'know? As I'm walking away he says, "excuse me" And I'm like "yup?" And he's like "what's your name?" I tell him my name is Brittany. He says, "oh, you're the girl that lives on the corner, right?" I confirm, he introduces himself as Markus. It was so American Beauty-esque. I couldn't see his face, but he had a really sweet voice. Like, just really soft and sweet, almost like a pumpkin pie.

Vivi and Heather and I are hanging out in front of this Taco shop, smoking. We get some people to buy us more cigarettes, yay. This homeless lady comes up and asks for money, Vivi gave her a $20 and she started to cry. It was such a good karma feeling. Finally Nic pulls up with Josh J and Korn. I've never actually met Korn. I've heard about him from Jah Love and Fairie Chick, and seen him around a few times, but I've never really met him. So, Nic was talking to Heather and Vivi and I was talking to Josh and Korn, and Korn was telling me I should go home. I told him I hate to sneak out unless I do something, I need a purpose y'know. And he's like, your purpose tonight was to meet me. Now you've met me, so go get some sleep. *laughs* I couldn't tell if he immediatly liked me or immediatly disliked me, but I think he's cool anyway.

Vivi, Nic, Heather and I walk to Denny's and we're eating and it's all yum. Vivi's sister comes over and eats with us and she's really cool. Vivi lost her cigarette case that had all her money. We're both sitting there going fuck karma! I hope some homeless person finds it, since Vivi would have given them all the money anyway, lol. As we're driving around looking for it (haha, "well, it was very shiny, maybe we'll see it") we see this gay bar that Vivi's sister went into once with her boyfriend. She said it was so crazy, there was a naked guy dancing and he got free drinks all night. So, we send Nic in. The doors are locked. He's walking away and we see someone inside going to unlock the door, so we send him back. He's gone for like, 10 minutes and we're like, ohmygod oh mygod what's going on? Finally he comes out with a guy's phone number. We were just dying laughing and screaming!!! It was so great.

We drop Heather off and go to Wal Mart and Vivi's sister is trying to think of places we could go party where they wouldn't check ID. But...at Wal Mart there was a definite mood shift and we were all, ehh. So, she took me home. Nic couldn't go home till like, 11 this morning so I don't know what he did.

I love love love my guitar. I'm learning to play the star spangled banner, just because it's really easy. But it's really long. Two of my strings are already out of tune. Bah. That sucks. I'm going to the mall today with my dad since Paco just up and went shopping without me. Bastard :) Hmmm, New Years. New Years is the big thing in Vegas for obvious reasons. The Strip gets packed and it's crazy. Last year they were climbing street lights and this guy got electrecuted and fell down. It took forever for an ambulence to get to him. It's really crazy. Robert wants me to go to this party with him, but Heather's talking about going to the party spot (apparently this random place in the desert where they used to go party), so, hmmm. Or I might be going out to dinner with my family, who knows which.

I need to get onto a normal sleeping schedule for school. I also have to do a whole bunch of worksheets for chemistry, and a long report for english. But...but...I've got to go to Rocky this weekend, so that's one night sans sleep, and then...well...you know how it goes with me. It sucks not having a car though. I need to give Nathan a call. I was supposed to hang out with him on Wednesday, but everything's so crazy.Pixie

2001-12-27T22:03:00.000-08:00

Funny Times

Oh gosh, I can't believe the day I had. First of all, to zwan, who are you baby? Why don't you leave me an e-mail adress? Do I know you? Do I not? *sigh* Speaking of Roma's, that beautiful blonde girl, well, I lost her. She was on my film. My film was fucked up. No more pictures. Vivi's birthday pictures are gone. *sigh* I wonder what else was on there. So...this morning. I don't know, I started writing earlier and I had other things to talk about. S came over and tuned my guitar, but my low E is already out of tune and I can't do a damn thing about it. Bummer. She left in a hurry though, because well, my parents wouldn't have approved.

I was getting weird phone calls though, from my grama. She calls around 2 wanting to know my brother's birthday and social security number. I gave it to her, not even thinking. She called later on wanting his birth certificate and a recent picture of him. She also said if he called to get his booking number. I say okay and get the requested materials. She said she'd be over to pick 'em up. So, I go online and ask my brother what his booking number is, we ponder because we're both fucking confused. He tells me to make sure I give her a good picture of him. So, I shrug and grab my guitar. She gets there, I give her the materials and say "oh, by the way, I went online and asked him what his booking number was, and he says he doesn't know". My grama and aunt look at each other and go whaa....? I go online and my grama tells me to ask him if he's in jail. I do. He says no he's at work. The story comes out:

Around 2 my grama got a collect call from someone who sounded just like my brother, saying he was my brother, saying he was in jail, he did something stupid and he needed $2000 for bail. So, my grama calls my aunt the stripper, who has cash on her of course, and they go off on an adventure downtown looking for him. He's not there. Well, hmmm, he'd probably be in juvy, so they go to juvy, he's not there and they think, hmmm, he must have used a fake ID. So, that's why they needed a birth certificate and picture - to prove that he was under 18 and belonged in juvy.

Well, my aunt has a crazy stalker guy that she had a restraining order on, and that's who we're thinking, but she was at his house with him when my grama called. So who knows. But it was crazy. So, we all went out to dinner. I got clam chowder, it was yummy.

Now I'm home and sleepy, but Vivi wants me to go out tonight with her, Heather, Nic, and possibly Bob. We'll see. I'm going to the mall tomorrow, I want to get this dress at Hot Topic that's on sale, I also want to get some shoes. I was thinking go go boots, I'm not sure. There used to be this trashy shoe store, I hope it's still there because if the boots are too expensive then I'm going to get ridiculously tall platforms. That's how I've always been, I want wild crazy shoes.

Blah blah blah, blah blah. I'm going now. Mmhm. Adios. Pixie

2001-12-27T01:05:00.000-08:00

Blah

I tried to sleep. I couldn't. I'd go to Roma's but they're closing now if they hadn't already. I really feel like talking to someone, I even went online, and I hardly ever go online. But no one was on. I looked for some new diaries to get hooked on, it just wasn't working though. I mean, I read 8 diaries right now, and I'll read two more once I remember their URL's, isn't that enough? Too many people pay people to make their templates. Fuckin a, html just isn't that hard and all the diaries look the same and it makes me sad.

I think I'll go play my guitar some more. I'm so typical sometimes. !5 years old. Brown hair, brown eyes. Scars. I smoke, I drink, I play guitar, I draw. Actually, I should go sketch something. I started something, but it didn't turn out cool, so I left it. I wrote Nick a postcard. It has the lyrics to Glycerine on it. It's a girl and guy kissing in this crowd. Very cool. I don't want his girlfriend to see it and hate me though, because of the lyrics, so I put in a little "Give Carla and your dad hugs from me". Yeah, *laughs* like that'll make her not hate me. Whatever. Oh. I think I'll go write Brandon a letter. I called him the other day. I just called and hung up because his mom answered. If he had answered I probably would have talked to him. *shrugs* I don't know, I'm not sure. But I think I'll go write him. Or play my guitar. Blah. Pixie

2001-12-26T23:06:00.000-08:00

Tears Of Beautiful Nothings

My hand hurts. Too much guitar for me, I think. I'm learning Wish You Were Here by Incubus. It's a pretty easy song. So, I'm not going out with Vivi. Just not in the mood. Found out that Paco's mom has breast cancer. She had a tumor removed and they've got to do chemotherapy and then they'll check to see if the cancer has spread. Paco almost got arrested. Him and his sister, Meghan, went down to Lake Mead to party, and there were three kids that were already there. One got mad and left, and then called the cops. So, the cops come and they made Paco's crowd pour out all their alchohol, which was a lot. And then they seperated the over 18's and the under 18's. They called Paco's parents and busted him for being out after curfew. His parents aren't really mad. He only had two Smirenoff Ice's, so yeah. But the two chicas he was with were already drunk and their parents grounded them for two weeks. But, these are two twins, and I've never known them not to be grounded, so no biggie.

Then the Nutcracker was on PBS and I was watching it. My mom asked me if I was going to start dancing again. I said no. She said that she had thought I had said I missed. I said I did, but it's too depressing to go. The Nutcracker was beautiful. But, I only watched it for about five minutes (just long enough to see the fight against the rat king, the pad de duex of the Nutcracker and Mara, and then what I believe was the beginning of the Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies. I'm not familiar enough with the ballet to say), then I started to cry. The phone rang, it was Julio so I left. I can't handle watching ballet. That's such shit. So...I talked to him. He was drunk and I was just crying and mad and angry so I hung up with him. Vivi called and could tell something was wrong and was like "no no, go to bed, we'll party some other time." So...I busted out my guitar and started learning I Wish You Were Here, until my hand hurt too much to continue.

My brother went to the mall and got me a 20 dollar gift certificate to Sam Goody. Bah. I mean, I think it's cool and all, but...first of all, he only gave it to me because he felt guilty. He felt obligated to get me something because I got him something. Second of all, gift certificates are so impersonal. They're the "I don't know what to get you but I have to get you something so here" present. Third of all, if it had been to like, Barnes and Noble or something then I'd be like, okay well you know, he thought about me. But it's to Sam Goody. I own like, 20 CD's, and 18 of those are CD-R's that I copied. So...bah. I mean, sure, it's cool, I'll spend it...but. Ehh. Y'know.

I'm going to go now. Yeah. I really want to get shitfaced, but I haven't got anyone to get shitfaced with and I don't want to do it here because knowing me I'd be loud and stupid and wake my family up and it would all just go downhill from there. I need more cigarettes. Pixie

2001-12-26T20:42:00.000-08:00

Nick And Jason

So, last night was really...strange. At 10 I was trying to call them, it was busy. I picked up the phone to call again, but there was no dial tone. Nick had been calling me. Neato. So...we made plans for them to pick me up in 20. I was going to get *all* dressed up, but decided to just go for the standard black pants, black top, sweater, boots. At first I was just like, oooh, Jason's got a nice little Mustang. Now I'm like, uhhhhh, Jason's got a sexy little Mustang. Trust me, his car is one sexy bitch. We're trying to figure out where to go when I realize that they had expected me to make plans. We drive by Roma's, they're closed. It's 11 o'clock on Christmas, of course it's fucking closed. So then we just drove around trying to think of something to do. Eventually we just went to this elementary school and parked. I hugged them and stuff. It was cool, we were just talking and they were giving me funny looks and giving each other funny looks and finally I'm like, what the fuck is going on? Nick looks at me and goes, you're hot, that's what. Apparently they didn't expect me to be hot, because, after all, they thought I was hot back in middle school (actually, Jason wanted me and Nick is my ex, after all), but my look and attire the other day at the store convinced them that I wouldn't be :/ I told them, I don't change. *laughs* I always look the same. Jason and Nick have really changed. Obviously they have physically. Nick used to be a sexy bitch, now he's okay. Jason pretty much just looks like Jason, actually. Sperm Girl wasn't there because they said something about her statitory rape boyfriend and pissed her off. Nick and Jason both have girlfriends, Nick for about a year, Jason for about 8 months. That's so insane.

Eventually I had to pee (hey, I'm a chick), so we finally figure out how to get to this gas station (Vegas streets are fucked up) and I go to the restroom. When I come back the car is all weird. Hmmm. Then we're just driving because we haven't got a place to go. We try to find a Denny's they're closed. By now it's 2am and we're like, it's not Christmas anymore, you should be open you dumbfucks! Jason wanted to find a place that would sell him cigarettes so we went to all these gas stations. (It was quite amusing. I pull out my Marlboro's, they pull out their Black and Mild's, we all look at each other and go when did you start smoking?). So, while Jason is running in and out of stores I'm asking Nick why is he so bummed out. I left the car and the entire mood changes, y'know? And first he tells me he's not. Next stop he says it's because sometimes he wonders if he should come back to Vegas. Next stop he asks if I want to know the truth. Of course. So he tells me that he wonders if leaving Vegas was a mistake because he still likes me and misses me and seeing me just makes it that much worse. Hmmm. Finally Jason finds a place. Not only will they sell tabacco to minors, oh no, they gave him three packs. Free. I guess Jason knows the guy. I should have gotten him to get me some more cigarettes. *shrugs*

We went and parked at a park. Took the top down, kept the heater on. The moon was looking awesome. Just like, this huge yellow orb in the sky that didn't belong in Las Vegas's sky. Like, we are not worthy. The more I sneak out, the more time I spend outside at night, the more I really love the moon. It's just so beautiful and it's so everything. I bet it feels out of place too. I hate sneaking out in the dark of the moon, because I feel like it's not their to protect me. I know it sounds like I'm rambling, but really.

Finally they took me home. I was so disoriented as to where we were until I saw the Strip. Ahhh, the Strip. The one way to know where you are. Like a North Star Vegas style. *laughs* So, they take me home, I didn't get caught. Damnit. Now I remember where my fishnet and tight tops are. *smacks head* I left them at Robert's. Fuckin' a. Well then.

I guess Nick will call me some time today so we can talk. The thing is, we had something good, he moved, and that was sort of that. Just a major bummer. But it happens. And every time he comes to town it's like, I don't know. It brings back old feelings y'know and you're left wondering what to do. But, the fact still remains that he lives in Montana, and that's sort of that. He would never leave his dad, and chances of his dad moving to Vegas are quite slim. So, we remain just friends, and I try not to get too involved because he has his girlfriend, that he's had for a year, and I refuse to fuck up their relationship. She writes him letters that he keeps with him, that I'm not allowed to read. Understandable. But that just tells you about their relationship.

I saw her picture, she didn't look that pretty. Somehow I just expected Nick to have a really beautiful gorgeous unstoppable girlfriend. But, she's not. She's just normal. Nick said it was a bad picture, but she's cute in a cute sort of way. So, they took me home. Here I am. I gotta call S. today and see if she'll come tune my guitar. And call Robert...and wait for blogger to start working (wasn't just me, apparently, there was a security breach, go figure). Pixie

PS: unnn...now Vivi wants to go out tonight. I was going to sleep tonight! But I'm only going if we find someone to go with. Nic is in cognito somewhere and Bob can't. So...we need new guy friends. I'm not losing sleep just to hang out with Vivi at Roma's. And I need more cigarettes. Fuck it's cold. My guitar is so good and sexxyyy. Mmmm. Yum. I can play the intro to Laterulus (tool), Volcanoe Girls (Veruca Salt), and I can do the intro for A Place for My Head (linkin park) (not quite up to speed...but y'know) and the rest is pretty easy so i'm learning that. I'm bad ass.

2001-12-25T21:24:00.000-08:00

It Wouldn't Be Christmas Unless...

*my 34 year old stripper aunt didn't act like a child
*my grama didn't put mucho stress on everyone to be perfect
*my brother didn't get pissed at the family
*my mom and I got so exhausted we practically fell down
*I had to hold myself back from crying

Bleh...bleh bleh bleh. We just got back from my grandma's house. I'm so tired. Let's se...we got there...we hung out...we ate. We exchanged gifts. We also spent about three hours watching my aunt's stupid video. She just went to Japan on a magic tour, being Val Valentino's assistant (he's the masked magician dude that reveals all the secrets on Fox), and she made a video. Two hours of shit we didn't want to see and three hours of her drunk and singing. She acted like a small child, me me me. We kept leaving the room and she kept bringing the video. That's just the kind of person she is.

She also got pissed because my uncle Angel (married to my aunt Joan) tried to pick up his own plate. Oh no. It's common knowledge that very few people are allowed to touch these dishes. Wedgewood china. My aunt said to my uncle "the only people allowed to touch these dishes are the people who are going to inherit them". And it's common knowledge that my aunt Brenda can't touch them. Only my mom can (I'm not sure if Joan can). Since Brenda thinks they're hers...well, yeah.

My brother and I were quite tired. I had to try to not cry tears from my tiredness. I was ready to go home long long before we left. We were there for five hours. It really is too much time with my family. It just is. *sigh* So, my brother is gone now. He's at his friend's house. Nick and Jason stopped by today. Last night in bed I desperatly tried to remember Nick's number (which, I haven't called for years), and it came to me. Can you believe it? So I called him and we arranged to do something tonight. I'll sneak out. Sperm Girl is coming too, I wonder how that will go. Hmmm.

So, that was sort of it. I got a gold chain, a paper fan, and a little music jewlery box. My mom got pearl earrings, but she gave them to me. See, okay, this is the story. A long long time ago my grandmom went to Ireland (we are, after all, Irish), and found some gorgeous clover earrings. So, she bought four pairs. One for each of her daughters, and one for herself. Now, there are only two pairs left. My mom's, and mine (which were originally my grandmom's). This year, she bought four pairs of pearl earrings. One for herself, and one for each of her daughters. Thing is that my mom already has a pair almost identical to the ones my grama gave everyone. So, my mom gave me her's. My aunt's psycho stalker that she's not supposed to talk to gave my grama this diamond and topaz necklace, which I rather like and looks excellent on me. My grama doesn't know if she's going to return it to the jewler's (it doesn't suit her), or give it back to him. But we all have to wonder if she's secretly planning on giving it to me.

Hmm...so yeah, I guess that's it. Pixie

PS: Hmmm, that's curious. Someone changed my blogger password. I don't know how that could be, since I don't even know how to change it. I know I didn't do it becuase I don't know how and it was something I'd never change it to. I hope it was an accident...becuase, well, yeah.

2001-12-25T08:51:00.000-08:00

Good Morning

I got a guitar, an amp, new strings, a sketchbook, and some pencils. It is the most kikass Christmas ever. My brother got some neato little nicknacks for his desk at work (a mini voodoo doll, a calender of stupid stuff people say, just stuff like that) and $300 worth of gift certificates to the mall. Swoosh, that's a lot of money. I know I didn't cost them that much, but I don't really fucking care. This is great :) If only I know a jewish or johovah witness guitar player to tune my guitar :( Pixie

2001-12-24T23:16:00.000-08:00

PS: all my girlie parts are still sore. This is very uncool.

2001-12-24T23:14:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas

Or Yule, or hannukah, or kwanza, or whatever it is that you celebrate. This morning my mom woke me up after just 6 hours of sleep. *groan* I helped wrap presents. My brother is a horrible present-wrapper, so it's always just my mom and I. Then we went a'shopping. It was amusing. We're all, "meet you back here in fifteen minutes" and we'd accidently pass each other and avert our eyes. I got my brother and mom presents. Not as much as I wanted to give, but enough. Considering my horribly low income...you take what you can get, y'know?

So...we did all of our Christmas errands and came home and wrapped more presents. We went to pick up my brother from work. Got ready to go to my aunt's house. My brother feels like a loser because he knows I got him and my mom stuff and he didn't get anyone anything. I told my mom this would happen. I'm like, I don't want him to feel bad, I don't want him to feel obligated to get me a present. That's not what Christmas is about. But he does. Blah. My mom joked that he should feel bad seeing as he has $9,000 in the bank and I had 25 bucks to my name. Hehe.

So...we go to my aunt's house. There is this stupid dispute about my shoes. What shoes should I wear? My mom didn't like the options I gave her to choose for me. I said fuck that shit and wore my sandals. Aunt's house...far away...went in and out of sleep in her car. It's oh so far away. She pulls out a puzzle for my mom and I to work on. That's our things, puzzles. Around 8 I fell asleep on the couch until my dad got there and we got to work on the presents. I got a necklace and earrings, 45 dollars, 25 bucks for Old Navy, a Power Puff Girl's watch, a Power Puff Girl's bag. Unnn. See, last year I was all about the PPG. It was just because of the people I hung out with. So...it was cool to get me PPG stuff. Now, none of my friends even know that my nickname used to be Bubbles or why. So...whatever. I don't really care. Then we came home.

Bulemic Brittany. That's what my family is calling me now. My brother was saying how I never eat and I'm anorexic and then when I pointed out that I had some chili (well, not really, I had a few spoonfulls and then threw it away, but he doesn't know that), he said "oh that's right, you just go throw it up afterwards". Gah. See, last Christmas was really hard on my mom. All this Pixie has mental problems shiznit. And we had had dinner together like, three nights in a row. Once at our house, once at my grama's, once at my aunt's. All three nights I said I wasn't feeling well and barely touched my food. The fourth night, at this same aunt's house, my mom got all teary eyed when I said I wasn't hungry and said she couldn't handle an anorexic daughter so would I please eat? So...it's a little joke at that house. Before we left my family cleaned up my aunt's kitchen, and there was a baby food jar for my cousin's kid. I handed it back to her and she goes "oh, don't you know? Adrian told me to leave it there for you, because it would be easier to throw up after you ate it". Haha. Bulemic Brittany. That's so funny. I'm not even skinny. I just don't like to eat.

That was basically my day. Oh, wait. These two guys followed me home from the grocery store. I think it was Jason (Sperm Girl's cousin) and Nick (my ex-boyfriend, Sperm Girl's ex-boyfriend, currently lives in Montana). I don't know. I was so freaked out I just ran back into my house before I could really find out who they were. *laughs* I know, it's silly, but knowing two guys you don't recognize followed you home is sort of freaky.

So, now I'm going to bed. We opted to celebrate in the morning. I wanted to open presents tonight. Grrr. Now I want to wake up at 5am just to piss people off. But my brother always wakes up first. Pixie