Tuesday, March 05, 2002

I See

I saw him today...standing there, twenty feet away from where I usually by my food. Why is it that before, when I was so desperate to see him, to figure out where he hung out, he was no where to be found. And the day when I absolutely don't want to see him, he's right there. Wearing his shorts and suspenders and that grey jacket and his black chucks and black socks. There was a big *pop* behind us, Vivi and I, when we were waiting to buy our food. We look back and she starts telling me not to look back, but I already saw him. Just standing there.

Yesterday Jah Love was like, why are you so down? I told him about me and Josh and he was like, dude, no one liked him anyway and he was ugly as fuck and no one could figure out why you were going out with him. Blah! Maybe because I liked him anyway and I thought he was sexy as fuck? But...it was sweet that he was trying to make me feel better. He was wearing this soft fuzzy black sweater and when I hugged him I just wanted to bury myself in it. Chicago came up to me and said "sorry for being a drunken bitch". Drunken boys are fun. That was basically my day yesterday. I'm reading The Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan, it's a really good book. You should read it too. I didn't fall asleep last night until 5:30. That's the last thing I remember before groaning and going to sleep. Seeing the clock say 5:30, knowing my alarm is set for 6:15.

Today was interesting. Went to Chemistry, our teacher keeps leaving for meetings and stuff. But he brought back donuts. And he had the Secret Language of Birthdays, so I stole that book for a little while. Yup. First break I saw Josh...already talked about that. The bell rang and I got up to go to second class, and my entire second class was walking in the opposite direction. "Where have you been?" Paco and Gisele ask me. I'm confused and keep walking towards my class, but this kid Ramone grabbed me and turned me around. Apparently we were supposed to go meet in the spanish class a half hour earlier. If I had done that I would have entirely avoided seeing Josh, darn.

We drive to the elementary school and I kick mysel for a: not remembering and b: wearing my big boots, a dress, and fishnets. Aw well. Some little girls complimented my boots. Mostly they all just looked at me weird, and the adults weren't exactly looking too cool at me. And I wanted to yell at the kids "no, you don't have to do that, you don't have to grow up and be that, you can grow up and be anything, not like them..." But I didn't say anything, I just dressed up like a little pig (with a little pig tail and pig ears and a piggy bowtie and a piggy nose. We were pretty good. The Three Little Kids. It was just realy weird, because we recorded the lines because we knew we'd never remember them, but Paco was absent so we got Football Jason to say 'em, and there's Paco, standing on the stage, his mouth moving and Jason's voice coming out. I was having fits of giggles.

Afterwards we all went to Taco Bell to eat. Paco and Giselle didn't have money, and Nikki (the girl who was reading the same book, at the same time we got in trouble for reading and we were on the same page. The next day I noticed my toenails were the same colors as her nails. And, the one to say "you have sex with girls??" when I yelled something pertaining to that across my english room to Jessy) had two bucks which we put into the money fund. I had twelve bucks. I have two bucks left. Which, would be fine and dandy but I fucking owe Andrew money. Oh! The language fair! Yes, I'll tell my parents it costs five bucks (it only costs two) and have three left over. Yes. I'm going to give Andrew 15, my own little 'interest'. So...anyways.

We stayed at Taco Bell until 1:00 and then went back to school :) Nikki and I went to class. It was a lot of fun. It's weird how we keep ending up being together. We were just laughing our asses off the whole time. And then she started talking about her boy friend, named Josh, and that made me sad. Oh my goodness, Paco was like "I think Josh was lying blah blah blah, I saw him with a girl this morning". I hit Paco on the head and say very slowly "did she have short bleach blonde hair?" He nods. That's his sister paco! His sister. Sheesh. And I took the bus home, and that is it. I slept all day today. Only woke up to make optomitrist appointments for my mom and I. Fun.

Stargirl
Is it a coincidence that the only pics I ever took of Josh were of him walking away?

Sunday, March 03, 2002

*sigh* Sometimes I wonder if life would be that much easier if there were no humans. Only books. Yesterday was quite the interesting day, involving me and josh breaking up...*sigh* Lots of tears about that. Trying to pretend I don't care, nothing can affect me, nothing. I’m supposed to be stronger than that. My problem is I put all my heart in people. I don't just give them a little piece, a little part, oh no, I give them my whole fucking heart. I can't help it, it's just my way. I’ll give them everything for forever and a day. So that when they hurt me, it really hurts.

Went to the bookstore yesterday. With vivi. Took the bus. Gave little kids all my candy. Ran into tori and gina, they had just stolen lots of shiznit from the Gap, about to sell it to Buffalo Exchange. Why didn't I think of that? Then we found Biscuit and Chicago, drinking 40's with Nic too. Hehe, they were drunk. In front of taco bell. We went to the bookstore. Later they found us. And there was some drunken fun. Biscuit fell over the little wall separating Starbucks from Barnes and Noble. Vivi was reading Chicago cowboy porn, and he kept dropping books on his head. They were all falling over. Nic was apologizing for not talking to me, and then wondering why it was he didn't talk to me, and then saying because "it hurts...it hurts so bad". And Biscuit...well, he was trying to convince me how romantic it would be to make out in the travel section.

Biscuit is much stronger than you'd think. He was holding me down in my chair and he wouldn't let me go, quite frankly, it was scary, he was trying to convince me to make out with him. And while I'm not entirely adverse to that, a.)it's against my policy to make out with inebriated folks unless I am too. b.) Nic was around and that would never turn out good. c.) well, we were in public and he was drunk. But...I lured him into coming with me to grab my Ani beanie back from Nic. And then as I was calling my mom to tell her I was on my way home (I was supposed to be home by dark, it was already a half hour after and I still had to commute through the public bus system, oopsies), Biscuit was kissing the back of my neck. Eep.

We ushered them out of the store, as they tried to steal glasses and knocked over chairs. And then vivi convinced Chicago to drop his pants. *hand to forehead* I don't know what she was thinking. This was after she convinced him to take of his shirt, I might add. Insanity.

I didn't get home for an hour and a half after I left them, but I don't feel like explaining my adventure with the bus system.

I feel the need to protect myself, to withdraw like a turtle in it's shell. I put on a necklace that I haven't worn in a very long time. The necklace that Robin made me for my fifteenth birthday. With blue string and green beads, and a clay bead of the world. She gave it to me in order to remind me that "I control the world, the world does not control me". I'm also wearing my fairie necklace, I reglued the glitter bottle into the fairie's arms. Ashes has a mermaid necklace, I have my fairie one. I just feel the need to curl up in everything that protects me.

I have come up with the ultimate present for Fairie Chick, I'm going to start on it tomorrow. I can't think of anything that will be more...perfect. I'm not sure when I'll give it to her, or what it is for exactly. But, it will be so beautiful and exceptional that I can hardly describe it. In fact, I won't, because I know she's snoopy as fuck. She never stops looking. And if seeing her parents sex toys won't stop her, then certainly me telling her not to read this won't. So ha! I know the curiosity is going to drive her crazy :)

L.J. Smith is a terrific author. *smooches* to ashes for introducing me. Stargirl

Is this goign to be my last post or isn't it? I can't decide.