Saturday, March 02, 2002

three wise men

1. ani difranco was so fucking amazing, i can't even describe, and ashes is so fucking amazing and it was a fucking amazing day once the last bell ended of school.
2. josh and i broke up. he broke up with me. because...well, i'm not even sure, really. his little cousin just started calling me today asking if he could hit it since josh and i broke up, as i sit there with my bony little jaw hanging open (okay, i stole that from ani, i'm too tired to be clever), and it was just ahh. so, there's that. he thinks i'm a bitch and he's "tired of me anyway". i try not to cry as i tell myself that i don't have time for mean people in my mind, thoughts, or life. but myself doesn't listen and i cry anyway. and my mom watches me cry and carries a normal conversation with me about whether anyone called her while she was napping
3. i'm stopping the blog for good. my writing has dwindled, and i'm tired of opening up myself to people. i want to go curl up on my own, by myself, with no one knowing what's going on in my heart, in my life, in my mind. no more of this. i don't want people knowing me like this, judging me like this. so, goodbye all my readers i've never met, who never signed my guestbook, and the friends who just wanted to check up on me. adios, it's been good, it's been fun. i only wish i was as big as Pamie was when she shut down.


stargirl as she tries to hold onto her starness, and wishes she could disappear when she gets hurt like all the starpeople before her

Thursday, February 28, 2002


I lose myself in books, I really do. I got home at four today (my dad and I went to the mall, searching for jeans for my mom). I called Josh, because he wasn't at school, but he was sleeping. *sigh* I'm not even going to get into that though. So, I started reading roughly at four. It's 6:30 now. I let my eyes drift away from the page and realized that I'm in my room, not in California. And then I walked out to the rest of my house, none of the lights were on, and I looked at the clock. Unbelievable. For two and a half ours I didn't change position. Only moved to flip the page. I totally lose myself in books, and sometimes it scares me, but today it's pleasant. My dad left to the grocery store a long long time ago and he's not here.

I'm going back to my book. Ani in 24 hours :) stargirl

Wednesday, February 27, 2002

My mom just got home an hour or two ago. They took an early flight and la de da, a long story short is that we went to the airport to wait for Michelle's husband. I was just getting teary-eyed in the car, talking about my schedule. It just wears me out thinking about the classes I'm taking next year. And she bought me a slurpee. She also noticed the hikies on my necks. Well, three really really light ones. But of course she noticed. Blah. And then when we got home she found out that I didn't leave any of the notes for my dad, and she was like, "god, I thought you'd understand, the one person I trust with this and you didn't do it, blah blah", and I'm like, "mom, I'm tired, and if you keep talking I'm going to cry, so why don't you just forget about it". She was pissed. My brother was like, why did you go all crazy?

I just don't like the way she talks to me, it upsets me. I can't help that. Now we're waiting for food, and my brother is on the phone.
oh goodness

Josh wasn't at school yesterday, and I was so bummed out because I kept expecting him to pop up. He didn't. He ditched with his sister to go to her best friend's school (don't ask, it's a long story). And he was smoking! First he told me he had smoked, and I was like, fine, then I get smoke on Friday with Ashes at the concert, and he was like, no no, I just wanted to see what you were going to say. But he really did. He just doesn't want me to smoke. And I'm like, fuck that, if he can smoke so can I. So there. Well, on Friday anyway. But then we both stop forever and ever. Mmhm.

Yesterday was just sort of a day. I went to Paco's house again, made some mac and cheese for the very first time ever. I know, it seems crazy, but I didn't have Macaroni and Cheese until I had it with Sperm Girl in like, 6th grade. That blue box has never entered my house. So...yesterday was just okay. I wish people would leave me alone in PE. Why is it that when they see a girl alone they want to go and save her and stuff? Maybe she wants to be alone! Sheesh. That Ugly Girl who is not really ugly, but such an ugly person on the inside she disgusts me, well, she rides my bus now, did I mention it? Well, she was like, oooh, was that your boyfriend on the bus yesterday? Yah, what's it to you? She started squealing about his ears (he's got parts of a mechanical pencil in 'em) and all 'ewwwww!'. Gosh.

Today Josh was at school, thank goodness. He asks me why am I so happy all the time because I'm always smiling and dancing around and stuff. I tell him I'm not always happy, because I'm not, I just don't like people to see me sad. What's the point? They can't make me feel any better, and they'll feel bad when they can't, so why let them see me sad? Well, it makes sense to me. Second break everyone was kissing everyone! Normally straight bois were kissing other straight bois and queer boys and girls were kissing girls and it was insane. Well, that's what happens when you kick theatre kids out of the theater. We have to think of *something* to come up with. Josh and I went to the other side of the hallway, neer Super Ego/God and Bri and Fairie Chick and Ant. In other words, the straight side of the hallway :) But Fairie Chick and Ant appeared to be in a serious conversation so I gave each a squeeze on the arm and the bell rang, so we didn't have to find a place to go.

Vivi says she's revoking my queerness. Because, after all, I have a boyfriend. It's funny because on (go there! love it! give them money!) they just had an article about a girl arguing with herself over her queerness because she has a boyfriend. She says she's sometimes jealous of gays and lesbians because "They knew who they wanted, or at least which set of genitalia". Fuck that. I feel bummed out for peopel who let someone's genitals determine whether or not they want to be with that person. It could stop you from being with someone who could make you really happy. Ever think of it that way? Yeah. So there.

I feel like Lily lately, from the book Smack. I know, I know, she ends up being a junkie with a kid, but not in the begining. "She just couldn't stand still. She was smiling all the time, not at anyone, just to herself and the good time she was having....She was beautiful....It was as if she was in a completely different room, at a completely different party from anyone else in the room. She was different from everyone...She had the power...She was everything that was going on in that room...Did you ever see someone and think straight away, I want to be that person? I want to look like her and think like her and have the same effect as she know? This girl - nothing mattered to her." That's the first time Gemma sees Lily (who is of course, the 'she', the 'girl', the 'everything). I know, it's weird because I'm not like that at all. But...that's how I feel. I can't explain it. It's like, I don't even know. Just the way you feel like you're turning into someone, into that person, and I feel like that's where I'm going. This'll only make sense to the bookworms who understand. But one day you'll feel like that too.

Josh came over again today. We are so sublimely good for each other. I hardly ever see him smile at school, I don't see him smile when he thinks I'm not looking, I never saw him smile on the bus. But...he smiles when we're alone together. Just this cute little smile and it's like...yeah. He always asks me why I'm so happy. I ask him why he's so unhappy. He says he's only unhappy when he's not with me. So, he came over and we had a good time and it is just so good. Eventually it was time to go. We each took opposite sides of the argument. "I should go" "no you should stay" "okay, I'll stay" "no, you should go". Well, it wasn't as flimsy as that. Just, after a few countering comments we'd change our minds and. It's horrible. I'd be like, okay, you can go right after this, but then he wouldn't want to go and it's just. It sucks to leave each other, y'know?

I took pictures of him as he left my house. Can't wait till I get enough of everything to decorate my notebook. Ooh, I went to Savers yesterday and got some jeans, finally, 8 bucks. And a shirt, the most badass long-sleeve shirt with a collar and just, this crazy design on it. Toasters and housewifes serving rootbeer and just, really neato. 4 bucks.

So...yeah...a good day. Golly...I can't even comprehend how happy he makes me. I'm just so...good. Fine. Awesome. He tells me that I'm beautiful so much, and how sexy he thinks I am so much that I almost believe it. I look down at my belly, stretched across the bed, and I think it's okay, y'know, it's my belly and damnit, there's nothing wrong with it. Of course, the longer he's away, the less I believe it. But those times when we're together, I feel...perfect. Like, at the end of a really good movie, you're just left with warm fuzzy feelings that make you think everything is going to be okay after all. That's how my life feels right now.

I talked to Fairie Chick today. In english, just talking and joking and stuff. The first time in forever. A crazy good feeling. I sent her a note telling her how much I love her. Everything is so going great. Is this a bore to read now? Now that I'm not sneaking out and giving details about my amazing sex life (and, even though I'm not giving details, it is amazing), now that my teen angst is spread quite thin. Aww well, fuck you if you think it's boring. Well, I've got to go clean. My mom comes home today. Well, tonight. And the house must be clean clean clean. But I'm hungry! Aw well, I'll think of something. Stargirl

I want to be, just about as happy as I can be

Monday, February 25, 2002

I searched near and far for Fairie Chick today, but she was no where to be found. Eventually I found Ant and he told me she went home sick :/ Well, when you can't find a fairie, her boyfriend can help immensly, especially when I wanted to know about him anyway :) Because, y'know, Josh was going to come over today and...there are somethings a girl should know just in case something happens. He gave me short and quick advice as I walked to english. 1: don't laugh at the boy 2:don't laugh at the boy 3: don't let the boy think you're laughing at him (after I explained that I laugh oh so much during everything).

But *sigh* as cool as it was to talk to him, I totally could have used a Fairie Chick. She was off being naseous and vegging on her couch. Hope you feel better babe!

Rumor says Jessica and Kimmie are together. Neither of them will say anything. They've been cuddling a lot lately, so I wouldn't doubt it. But then again...who knows. *shrugs* not me. Josh was biting me all day :) He did come home with me, by the way. And of course things happened, as things always happen. Miss Pink has atrocious timing. She called afterwards and kept calling and she knew he was here and she knew what was going on and she was like, oooh, I might come over. Blah! No! I say no no!

I won't say much about it, because I don't feel too comfy talking all about Josh and I in here. But it was...fabulous. What else is there to say? It was yummy and fabulous and it felt like I was jumping off a building or a bridge or a mountain. *smiles* Afterwards we were lying there together, and I told him to blow on my back. No, really, try it. Just lie there on your side (can't be wearing a shirt or bra for this one, babes), and have someone blow on your back. You'll start to like, I don't even know. It's a crazy feeling though.

This journal I have right now, it's going to be the journal of Josh. Since I started it the day I first started talking to him. I'm going to take a whole bunch of pictures of him and me and us and get magazines and cut out everything that reminds me of us and decorate my notebook with that. Mmhm. It'll be fabulous. Well, I think I'll go call him now. Actually, I should go study for history...but it's so hard. Ummm, I'll finish White Oleander, study for history, and then call Josh. Yeah.

Oh, wait, the rest of my day. So, Paco came over and we drove Josh home and then went to his house. Camille, this little girl they babysit came over and she painted. I made mac and cheese for the first time. It was fabulous. And I watched Crazy/Beautiful. I really like that movie.

Oh, and S made varsity softball, as did Kim, yay! And Vivi got the part she wanted in Steel Magnolias. There's a gay guy who thinks Marcio is cute. Jah Love and Athena are happy. Fairie Chick and Ant are happy. Vanessa and my brother are happy. Bri and God/Super Ego are happy. Me and Josh are happy. So, I suppose you could say that right now everything is going fabulously. Ooh, and Ashes is coming with me to Ani, yay! We were supposed to go out last weekend, but she fell asleep ;) Maybe this weekend. Who knows.

Stargirl (I feel very much like a StarPerson today).

Sunday, February 24, 2002

My mom left town today. We had to clean house from 9:30am to 1pm because the person taking her to the airport would be in our house for five minutes. Everything from the standard sweeping/mopping/dusting to planting new plants in the front yard (which I had to do because, she wouldn't dare ruin her nails, I fucking hate gardening most of the time, but today it wasn't so bad). So, now our house is clean clean clean. Oh, and apparently donut boxes are tacky, so we had to bust out the cake platter to put the donuts in. Whatever. It aggravates and annoys me, but today I wasn't minding it so much. We've had such awesome open-your-windows-let-some-sun-and-air-in weather lately. It's fucking fantabulous. Last night I started on three sketches, finished one of them. Two of them are copies of Picasso's. One is a self portriat of him, the other a painting of a candle, pot, and pitcher. And then a sketch of the cover of one of my books. I actually desided to show my mom. I haven't got anyone else to show, y'know? So, I showed her and she smiled and said they were pretty good. Then remarked that she once saw some ballet shoes I had drawn and they were pretty good too. There are few things I'll accept compliments for. But, my art is one of them.

Today I went with Paco to Micheal's, because he didn't want to go alone. He bought stuff for his Spanish thing, I stole an eraser and some sketching pencils because I've got a tiny bit of an eraser (my brother lost mine, of course) and one pencil left. Then we decided to go to his house, and we painted posterboard for his spanish thing. I decided to eat dinner there. I called my brother and he was on his way out, my dad wasn't home yet, my mom out of town. Who was going to tell me no? No one. So, I stayed for dinner, which was pasta, yum yum.

It was so strange seeing his mom. I haven't seen her since before she started the chemo. Her hair is very short and very thin, and she doesn't look all that great, but she's still got that great smile and the way she says "Paco!" in her little way. It's great. His nana is in town, I've met her a few times before. I don't know what it is about his house, but I feel more at home there than I feel in my own home. Here it's hard for me to eat. I never eat when anyone else is around, and I don't eat much when I'm alone. There I can fill up on pasta and garlic bread and Sunny Delight and I don't even think about it. I laugh and giggle and talk to nana and Lisa (his mom) and it's cool. Omg, they have a little fish in a little jar-type thing. Lisa was doing the dishes when the fish (allegedly) jumped out of the jar into the sink. She was like, "oh my gosh, Paco, help me!" we go to the sink and thought she had dropped it down the garbage disposal and were trying to figure out how to rescue it when we realized it was just in the little dish rack thing. We removed some dishes and it just hopped into a little cup so we just put it into the jar. Whew. It was a close call.

Paco drove me home. I'm going to go over there tomorrow at like, three o'clock to finish up the spanish and watch Crazy/Beautiful. Josh is going to come home with me tomorrow. Hmmm. Don't you wish you knew what we were going to do? Actually, I have no idea what's going to happen. I had to make sure my brother was going to go to work, but in a slick sly way. I sort of botched the job, but whatever. Asked him how he was feeling...was he going to school? Was he going to work? Why, he asks? Oh, well, I thought it'd be a nice surprise if you put in the new harddrive...for mom, y'know. I don't think mom cares, he said.

But, the point is, he's going to work. Wheee. Well, I'm going to go call Josh :) Stargirl