Saturday, February 23, 2002

I find myself writing in here less and less. I'm contemplating not writing anymore. But I still find myself coming here, so I can't really ever stop. Just one of those things. For the first time I talked to Ashes on the phone. Such insanity. She sounds so different from what I expected. I was going to sneak out tonight, and hang out with her, but she never called me back...she's coming with me to Ani, I can't get ahold of gay-Robert.

I'm a little sad about Josh. Just...I get upset over stupid things sometimes, y'know? Just the little things. But I'm incredibly sad at the moment. For like, the first time since Valentine's Day, his voice won't be the last thing I hear before I drift to sleep. My mom leaves town tomorrow afternoon. Maybe I'll go out in celebration. Hmmm. White Oleander is a really good book. As is One Flew Over The Cookoo's Nest and Anywhere But Here. So is House Of Leaves. Those are the four books I'm currently reading. I don't know why, but I can never read just one book at once, y'know? It's just..too impossible for me. I lost Anywhere But Here. My brother is mad, it's a library book. I haven't taken it out of the house, so it must be here, I search and search...but I can't find it.

The website for Forty Days And Forty Nights is very extensive and cool, I suggest you check it out. Also, the game SSX tricky for PS2 is very very badass. Better than the first one. So badass.

I had the urge to dance all of a sudden. I searched for my ballet shoes, but I couldn't find them. I'll sketch instead. My brother was flicking my toes, wanting to hurt me, I just laughed. Why doesn't it hurt? He asked. I said, I have dancer's feet. Then I thought about it, as he was laughing at me, I no longer have dancer's feet. My feet are smooth, soft, with perfectly painted toe nails. No dancer's feet for me. No thick soles, no strong arches. I can't wait to be back in a leotard, back in a sweaty studio. I wish wish wish I could be in Boston, dancing at JNDS instead of Fern Adair. I can't help it, JNDS has spirit, and soul, and beautiful people who dance because there's a passion inside of them. It's not filled with teenagers who have been dancing since they could walk, it's not filled with pouty eight year olds in black leotards and pink tights. As nice as it is to walk into a room of girls the same height and same body type wearing black leos, ballet pink tights and hair in a tight bun, standing in a line at the barre, I'd much rather walk into a room at JNDS. With the open windows facing a hotel, and the subway, traffic sounds drifting up. Women and men standing around in every color, of every shape and every ability. Perfect.

I guess that's it. I sound sort of apathetic, but really, I'm not. Josh is fabulous. I can't wait to see him, whether it's tomorrow or Monday. It's like, he said the other night, "before, I could hardly picture myself with you, now I can't even picture myself without you". I've been writing a lot of really...poetic stuff in my head about him. I want to write it down, but then I'd be tempted to read it to him, and I don't think that'd really please him. He's not the kind of guy you read your poetry to. Although one of these days I'm going to paint a poem about him on his naked back and chest and stomach and arms. And take a picture of it, of course. I was saying before I got distracted by my hippie coffee house dreams...mmm, yeah. He bit my neck the other day. *sigh* I feel like a chick in an FLB story, when I lie in bed, talking to him on the phone, curled up, feeling empty because I just wish he was there and naked and holding me and biting the back of my neck or my shoulder blade.

In other news, I made a really great milk shake today that I like to call the very berry milkshake. I'd make another one but my parents are asleep and the blender would wake them up. Maybe I'll just get some milk instead. Stargirl

Wednesday, February 20, 2002

I Feel To Much To Let You Know

Wheee! So much has happened, so I'll just type it straight from my journal, kay? Kay.

Josh and I kissed. Just a quick one before my class started. Mmmm, he makes me all giggly and happy. Whee. Okay, well, I wrote that in spanish, now I'm in english. He keeps saying that he likes being in the theater where people are finally "normal". Which is cool cool. When he walked me to my third hour class we kissed again. It's so awkward when you go to kiss someone and you both tilt your head the same way. But *sigh* He was just gripping my shoulders and...I don't know. *sigh* We definetly have the physical/sexual. And he's really great, but...what if he gets bored of me? I don't know, I'm trying not to think negativly. Especially because I'm so happy.

Second break Robert showed up. He pulled me away and asked me who the guy I was with was, what grade he was in. I told him, Josh my boyfriend, and sophmore. He said he missed me. I told him that that was just to bad because he's waiting for something and that thing isn't me. A kiss on the cheek and we were done.

There was a firedrill. Jessica was sucking my fingers, oooh. Robert came and pulled me away. Wanted me to meet some people *shrugs* Two guys. "Guys, this is Brittany, Brittany, these are losers". I giggled hi. Obviously he had told them something about our past. *shrugs* I don't mind, I think he was just like, hey, check out this piece of ass that I got.

Wednesday, February 20, 2002
Everything is fasmatasmic, as gay Hercules would say. Talked to Josh a lot last night. He's just so...awesome. We're both just so good together and so happy together. Yesterday my mom was driving me nutso. I fell asleep on the couch. She woke me up all angry, telling me to do my laundry. I asked where my brother was, she said at work. Ha! I informed her that he didn't go to work and she's like, ahh ahh. So we call him and he's out with his friends and she's bitching at him to come home because she was folding his laundry and this and that. I feel bad, but *shrugs* he didn't mind really.

I'm so proud of myself. I didn't let my mom get to me, yay. I need to stop listening to her, oooh, she thinks she's all powerful and I couldn't really care less what she thinks, but I always let her get to me. Fuck her. Yeah. So, there, take that. I'm not going to let her mess with my head anymore.

Yesterday at Walmart I got new fishnets and markers and glitter and stars and some foundation (which is weird, because I don't really wear make-up, but...y'know, I just want it), and...I think that's it. I wore my black slip today with my fishnets, adidas, and black shirt. I had to hide all morning because my mom thinks wearing a slip that goes past my knees is "inappropriate". We all got kicked out of the theatre. People were speculating that it was because two people got caught having sex, but I later found out that it was because some kid *found* a bag of pot and gave it to another kid, someone saw and told the teachers. Well, the pot mysteriously disappeared but, a knife and some cigarettes were found. So, whatever. Josh was just standing on the mall and I was just leaning on him. He's so much taller than me without my boots, but...that's okay. He's ticklish :) and I was biting on his neck just a little bit, and golly it's just so perfect. I'm just waiting for it to blow up in my face or something.

My world history teacher saw my arm and asked me about it. No no, Mr. K, I was young and stupid, I got help. I'm fine now. Then again, I am fine now. Oh yes, you heard me right. It was fucking stupid, I don't need that. But, it's such a shock for a teacher to notice and say anything. Much less utter the words "self-mutilation". *smile sweetly* I'm fabulous.

That's all I wrote. But...let's see. I ditched third hour with S and Marcio and Josh. We didn't think that we'd be able to do it, but we did. It was so nice. Sitting in the car, cuddling next to him, his arm around me. *sigh* We went to Roma's, I got some Naked Juice. Yay. Get naked! Yeah. Then we went to Mars Music. I don't like that store. It's so...unfriendly. But it was still cool because I could just jump up and hug Josh and kiss him and stuff. There is so no better feeling than holding his hand or just having his arm around me or kiss him him or hearing his heart when I'm leaning against him. Or watching him squirm when I tickle him. But he says that I can't do that anymore. It's just like we're off in our own little world and nothing else matters. He just makes me want to skip around and jump up and down and giggle and laugh and dance.

The ride home was even better. Just cuddling against him. But I keep pulling on his nipple ring. Oops. Ooh, he showed it to me and he's so un-hairy. Whew. Mmmm, I love kissing him. Everything is just so...great. Although I really need to stop ditching PE. Oops.

Nine days until Ani, 38 days until I'm 16. I hope everyone out there is doing good, because I can't remember the last time I was this happy. I wish Cupcake was here to see me being back to my "happy glittery fairie" self. Yeah yeah. Stargirl


Tuesday, February 19, 2002

Three Songs

Today was such a...strange day. I read a really good book. Ender's Game. I wish I had read it when I was younger. The writing is a bit premature because it's aimed at a younger audience, and I think I would have enjoyed it more had I been younger. But, the funny thing is, I probably wouldn't have because I read and enjoy the same books I read when I was younger.

Took a shower today and did my laundry. Haha. It's funny but it really really isn't. Yeah. Laughed a lot today. At this shit that really isn't funny. Things like "I'm just waiting for your parents to die" (to my uncle), to which I laughed about until I cried. But that's not what I meant at all. My abuelos are coming back to town the first week of March. I have never seen them so much as I have this year. My cousin, Sarah, and my aunt and uncle (Anita and Henry) are coming with them. Don't know what to do...but, it's a long way away.

People keep killing me in my dreams. I keep waking up being more tired than I was when I went to bed. Being so physically exhausted because my dreams wear me out. People are killing me in my dreams, as I kill my plant in reality. Yeah. S brought me two presents today, but I can't say what they were because one is for Ashes and I haven't mailed it to her yet. Once she gets it I can tell you. I'm going to paint Ani Difranco lyrics onto my closet. I hope that I'm done before my mom notices. And who cares, it's just a closet, right? Or maybe I'll chicken out and just write them down. Who knows, who knows, look as my nose grows.

I decided to take dance lessons again. Yeah, can you believe it? I can't. My mom almost smiled when I told her. I really freaked her out today. More on that later. So, yeah. I'll go into teen 1 classes for jazz and ballet for a month or two until I get back into shape, and then I'll go into 1A, and maybe I'll move up. Who knows. I'm just so sluggish right now. So unflexible and so out of shape. I just trud around my house wearing ballet slippers. Lame lame lame.

Yeah, I freaked my mom out today. During one of the many times that I laughed until I started to cry (into my bowl of ice cream) about something that really isn't funny. No, not funny at all. And all her hopes for me being normal were killed. Dead dead dead. Yup, so dead. It's fucking funny as fuck, I sort of like to think. Because when I was a little kid she was so happy that I would just flop around the house reading, not caring about anyone else. Hardly had any friends, just read and got good grades and that was good enough for her. That was good enough for her. Now I flop around the house reading, and my grades are going up, and she's not happy at all. Well, fuck her, yeah whatever. I think I just scare her. What do we do with Brittany? What do we do with a girl like Brittany? Punishment just doesn't work for me. Neither does negative reinforcement. Nope nope, the only thing that works is treating her like a plant. You can't yell at a plant until it does what it wants. You gotta water it and put it in some sunshine, y'know. But they want to treat me like a little puppy. Bad Brittany, no Brittany, you can't do that. But it doesn't work.

I wonder if I'm finally fucking crazy, have I finally lost all my marbles? You know it's bad when I don't even fight for cheese on my pizza. I don't even care. Get whatever you want, I say, I wasn't hungry anyway. And when my mom entirely forgets to get me dinner last night from McDonalds. It's okay, I say, I wasn't hungry anyway. I can live off of orange juice and mini oatmeal cookies, I really can. I need a cigarette, oooh yeah. I need a cigarette, yes yes I do. Yes yes, look at you? Don't you wish you were me? Haha. Look at who I used to be.

Hmmm, anything else? Didn't talk to Josh today. Talked to my uncle. Yeah yeah. Wrote some stuff. This is what I like to call, the three songs. They're not really songs, they'll never be songs, but, I like to call them songs anyway. Who knows? Who nose? Who's nose? They are sort of inspired by recent local news, and the book Ender's Game, and stuff in my life, and stuff in another little book I'm reading.

Song Number 1
And did you hear about the guy
Who didn't cremate any bodies
But he hid them in the basement
And in the bushes instead
And nobody notices,
No, nobody notices
About the rest of the world
They only give a damn
About themselves
They never see that they are more alone
Than you or me
Because these other creatures,
Never share their dreams

Song Number Two
I laughed so hard
That I started to cry
But the tears didn't know why
They made hot paths down my cheeks
I felt the sorrow burning
Deep inside of me
And it's really not funny
But I can't countrol this laugh
As the tears fall into my ice cream
My parents stare at me
Any hope that I would disappear
Into a crowd of groundlings
Is gone
Because I'll never be like you
I can only be like me

Song Number Three
i watch all the people
that i used to love become
all the things that they hated
that they would rather die than be

and it makes me sad
that they no longer look to me
for their smiles or their joy
no, they don't see me at all

i realize that i'm alone again
and my book stack has gone up
the way it tends to do
when the phone calls go down

don't know what to do
because i'm sick of being the girl
reading alone on a bench
instead of playing some kickball

i keep laughing at these things
that really aren't funny
until i cry because it really isn't
and tears were really meant for this

somehow it makes me feel better
that i can still make myself laugh
and i haven't become what i hate
because i never cared enough
to hate a single thing.

Mmmm, take them for what they're worth. I've been having weekly calls to Jeff in Boston. Yeah. When I call my uncle's work (the number of which I've memorized) and he's not there, but Jeff is. It's so crazy that he recognizes my voice. Or maybe just my request to talk to Gama. We joke and laugh. He's such a cute little kid. Why do I call everyone older than me a kid? Hmmm, who knows, who knows. But yeah, because I always forget what days my uncle has off. And it's always by some coincidence that he happens to be at home, and answers his phone, because his ringer is usually off.


Sunday, February 17, 2002

The Starry Night

The starry night,
Pulls me out into the rain,
Falling from a cloudless sky
Pulling me into your sight,
Your thoughts, your mind,
Until it throws me into your arms,
Wet and shivering,
I look into your eyes
A raindrop on your eyelash,
Your hair damp from drops
As we stand there
Holding each other
Nothing to intrude
On this moment
Created in a dream
Except the music of the drips
The feel of your lips
My hand pulling yours
Let's go, let's go, my body says
Away from this place
This is not our starry night
No, this night belongs to others
Ours will come soon
But before we leave
Just one request please
Never stop
Dancing with me

Today was a crazy crazy day. After much confusion plans were made for my mom to take me to Roma's, Vivi to meet me there, Paco and Gisel to pick us up from there, and go to a 5:30 showing of the movie Rollerball at a new casino. Well, Cody showed up at Roma's. Which was really weird. I don't know, does he like me or does he like Vivi? The eternal question. Since he calls me and talks to me you'd think that he likes me. But he totally stares at Vivi when we talk and he's ten times more interested in her. I tried to hug him before he left, y'know, being friendly, and he was like, I can't believe you're hugging me! And then he wanted to hug Vivi and it was just *weird* ("it's like, you have to actually work at being his friend, it's hard Brittany!" - Vivi ).

But, he left eventually and Vivi and I went and got push-up pops. Yum yum yum. Then Paco and Gisel came and it started to rain! So, I had to call Josh and tell him it was raining. We were soooo late for the movie, but awww, fuck it. It was such a fun drive out there. The movie sucked horrendesly. It's like when your family is watching a movie and you only see some parts when you go to get something to eat, and you have no fucking clue what it's about. That's the plot of this movie, except you don't even have to leave to have that 'what-the-fuck-is-going-on' feeling. Yeah. So, we were being rowdy and laughing and stupid because the movie was so shitty. Vivi went to the girlie room and we're like hmmm...let's hide. So we got all our stuff and moved like, five rows down. She came in all confused like, what the fuck!? But we were laughing so hard she found us. She threw stuff at Paco, Paco threw stuff at her, somehow ice ended up going down my dress! Eep. It was cold! So I stood up to, y'know, shake it down or whatever but they're like, Britt sit down before we get into trouble. Ahh!

So I went into the aisle and squiggled until it came out. Whew. Sat back down. The drive home was even funner. We couldn't get out of the parking garage, and we're like, whew, dance party in the parking garage because music was playing. Paco tried to run me over. Bastard :) We pulled to a stop light and there were these guys there listening to some of that baggy-pants-thug music and we were just like, wheee! and dancing and stuff inside the car. Then Vivi and Gisel tag teamed me, no fair, no fair! Gisel was holding my wrists while Vivi was messing up my hair. We were just laughing and screaming. I tried to roll the window up on Gisel's hair, while Vivi was trying to roll the window up on my hair (Gisel was in the front seat), but the window's wouldn't move. So, Paco rolls the back window up and poor vivi, her finger gets stuck! Eep! Her ring is all bent out of shape. Paco totally missed my neighborhood and god, we were just laughing so hard. As we're driving through my neighborhood I start to mess up Gisel's hair, and Vivi's trying to mess up mine and Gisel falls into the backseat and we're all just messing up each other's hair screaming and laughing and Gisel is trying to get up and...oh golly. When it was all over she couldn't get back into the front seat and kinda sorta flew into it.

Whew. Such craziness. Josh and I talked and it was really cool, and just, *sigh* I wrote this shitty poem, and I'm like, grrr, gotta write a better one so I came up with that. Inspired by Van Gough's "The Starry Night", of course.

Grrr, everyone's asleep. Vivi told me to call her and Josh told me to call him write back. Well, I called Josh like, twent minutes after we hung up (my dad had to call in sick and it took forever) and he was already asleep. Okay, I'll call Vivi, since she told me to call her! Nope, no such luck, she's asleep too. Can you believe it? Sheesh.

Well well well, I'm going to make a test page, where I take a whole bunch of goofy internet tests and put 'em all on a page. Adios. Stargirl
Oh god...such tiring dreams. It is so unfufilling to wake up *tired* in the morning because you're literally exhausted from the dreams you had. In this dream Fairie Chick and I were together at the store, I don't know why. Like, the grocery store. And we were just getting food. I was hungry for everything and the plan was to just get everything we wanted and then walk out with all of it. When we walked out alarms went off and we started running, there was a guy in a truck and wanted to know if we wanted a lift. Well, yeah! So, we get in the car with him. And it turns out he's a virgin and Fairie Chick and I make a plan for him to lose his virginity. But first we have to kill his grama, okelie dokelie, that's a-okay, y'know? But anyways, as we're trying to plan this out we're like, well, maybe we shouldn't do this. So we get out of the truck and he gets angry and all where the fuck do you think you're going. So I go sit in his lap and talk to him and kiss him and bite him and stuff.

Then I jacked him off and figured oh, maybe he'll let us go. So, we go running and he gets out a gun and starts shooting at us. It was such a crazy feeling though, us just running, gripping hands as though we'd float away if we didn't hold on to each other. The guy got into his car and tried to run us over so we seperated. I'm running and I see Josh J. driving a beat up old car and I'm like, Josh! Josh! Josh! So, he drives over drinking a big ole coke and it was really funny because he looks so typical. And I'm like, There's a guy trying to kill me and Fairie Chick! My Fairie Chick? He asks, I confirm. We can't have none of that around here, he says. *laughs* So Josh-y (this is Josh J, btw, not my Josh). We drive past Fairie Chick and she jumps in the car and we're trying to figure out what the hell to do. I'm giving directions (hey, I figure I probably have faced the most killers in my dreams and it's my fucking dream, why shouldn't I be in control?) Then the car stops working and all of a sudden it's day time. Don't know how. So, we're running and the guy is chasing us. Along the way we lost him. We run into Biscuit who says he wants to join us, and Char and Lydia.

Then we run into the guy again. I realize that the only way we're getting out of this is flying. But the rest of them don't know how to fly and they're afraid to try. Well, they try but not whole-heartedly. So I have to fly and try to pick them up with me so that they can get the hang of it. And I do. To all five of them, and it was just emotionally taxing. Blah.

We did end up getting away, I assume. Because then I was in a bedroom (supposedly mine) and I had to pretend to wake up and be sleepy when I was so tired from the night/day I had. I remember picking up a braid of black hair that was tied with a black ribbon, and wondering whose it was. Of course it was Fairie Chick's, but I wonder why it was there. I hurt everywhere and I'm tired. Uncool.

Yesterday was pretty good. My cousin came and picked me up. We went to my aunt Gena's house so she could do her taxes. Then we went to go get some pad thai. It was really cool, yum yum yum. She's such a horrible driver when I'm around. Always forgetting when to turn and stuff. We're always like, shit, where are we? and where did we want to be? We also went to see the Britney Spears movie, Crossroads (we had free tickets!) It was better than I expected. Much better. It was just a fun, feel good movie that makes you want to sing at the top of your lungs. But, Britney played a really nerdy dorky valedictorian girl who was a virgin and it was just too unbelievable. I mean, c'mon. No. "remind me again why we should have sex?" (says Britney). "1. we've been lab partners for three years. 2. we trust each other, trust is good, yeah. 3. we're both 18 year old virgins" (says her lab partner of three years). Funny shit.

Then she bought me peanut butter cup ice cream and we went home. We were eating it with two spoons out of the little carton and my mom asked to try it, which is weird because like, if anyone drinks out of her coke she won't drink it anymore. Not even for her own family. But here she is asking for my spoon to eat the ice cream Judy and I have been sharing? We figure she just felt left out or something.

Then there was this great big hoopla of confusion because my brother's girlfriend was coming over. My mom also got mad because she found out that Judy had talked to his girlfriend on the phone and online before, and my mom never has. We had to clean clean clean so everyone thinks nicely of us. My cousin and I were hiding out in my room, and then we were going to come over after things had settled down and looked all smooth and apathetic and stuff. mom ruins it by saying "you can come out now!" Sheesh. My brother's girlfriend isn't what I expected. She was cute like a bunny.

Yup yup. They had very clear rules. No going in my brother's room. I think it's funny as shit. He's seventeen and can't have a girl in his room? It makes me feel better that I could have S. in my room with the door open. Ha. But maybe it was because we weren't together at the time. Not that my mom knew that, but...whatever. So...yeah. That was the main part of my day. I was supposed to go to Roma's with Vivi but I didn't see my parents in the morning.

I was going to ask to go today but my dad is already gone and my mom said no, so I'll ask tonight for tomorrow. If she wasn't so fucking hard to get ahold of! Ever since she went over her minutes by 1,000 and had a $200 cell phone bill she's been wanting me to call her on her regular phone but they never answer, or I call the wrong number and they're all "No, Viviana doesn't live here! Stop calling!" because I call the wrong number a lot. Grrr.

I talked to Josh last night. We played the questions game. Which is basically where you just take turns asking questions. The only thing that annoyed me was if I had a story to go along with my answer, he wouldn't really let me finish. But other than that it was fun.

We're both like, goofy happy right now, which is really really good. He wants to put little mini dreads in his hair when it gets longer. :( I love his hair how it is. Oh well. He's just so yum yum yummy. I want to just push him up against a wall and start biting him. I just have such a good feeling about this, and he has it too, and it's like...I don't know, we just seem like we'll be really good together. Yeah. Stargirl