Saturday, February 16, 2002

Everything is still good good good. Judy (my cousin) is coming over in a minute to take me to her house. Wheee, yay. It'll be great. I talked to Josh a lot last night. His cousin was over and Josh was talking to his cuz a lot. I'm not one of those girls that is like, no no no, talk to me me me. Actually, I think you can tell a lot about a person by how they act around other people. And he was just being cute and funny. And then they smoked some pot and I was talking to him and, ehhh. I've decided no more talking to him when he's been smoking because while it's fun to hear him laugh soooo much, it's hard to talk to him. Now, if I were there then I could laugh at all those only-while-stoned antics, but I'm not, so, no more talking to him when he's smoking out.

Anyways, I still like him soooo much. He asked me if I thought he wasn't kissable. I was like, what!? And he's like, well, because you didn't really kiss me at school, are you embarrased of me. Oh yeah, I'm embarrased about this guy that I used to talk about all the time, that I introduce as my boyfriend. Uh-huh. How bout no? I think he's one of the greatest things since sliced bread.

I'm so excited about him and us and everything. I just didn't really kiss him because I don't know, I get nervous. He assures me that I have nothing to worry about. His cousin was saying he was ugly or some shit like that and I'm like, no, he's hot as fuck! And Josh is like, really? you really think so? Of course I do.

Haha, he asked me if "that little hispanic kid" (Marcio) was gay. No shit! He's practically filling Duck's place as being our sweetest most loveable most gayest gay guy.

This is just going so great. I don't know, it's just like, I can't see anything bad here. I just feel so...happy and wonderful and great. I want to go and sketch and read and paint and hug and cuddle and dance and just do everything to express how great everything is.

Well...I've got to go get ready because Judy will be here soon. Stargirl

PS: I'm going to just leave up all my posts since the last archive page because I can't edit that stupid page right now, grrr! So I'll just leave up what isn't there and take care of that when I can. Oooh, he likes sneezing! He thinks sneezing is one of the greatest feelings. (I love to sneeze).

Friday, February 15, 2002

Brilliantly Happy

Ooh, everything is so great. Okay, so, the main points from my written journal last night: "I don't know, he said something and I'm like, 'oh I'm special', and he's like, 'yeah, you are' and I was laughing and he's like, I tell you I lik eyou and now you're laughing? and I'm like, wha...?! and I was telling him how I thought he thought I was some airhead because he was too cute and made me too nervous, and I just giggled all the time, and he's like, I don't get that? you're sexy but you don't see me going tee hee hee all the time" *smirks*

I fell alseep last night so easily, and I woke up today without a problem. Can you believe it? I got dressed all pretty like, my cosmic atom dress and my boots. First break Josh came into the theather and we just sat next to each other and talked and watched people do theatre-y things, and everyone was talking to me. I got out my camera to take a pic of Vivi, and she busts out her camera and wants to take a pic of Josh and I. He slung his arm around my sholders and *sigh* It was cool. Then he walked me to my next class. We hugged, we kissed (a candy kiss, no tongue you naughty minded people). It surprised me that he kissed me, I don't know why. (he's not Bob or Nic, why are you surprised? - Vivi)

Vivi was trying to bargain with me to do her english homework. Ten dollars, I say. "I'll make prints of that picture of you two," she says. Five dollars, I say. "oh, c'mon, I'll get two prints. Brittany, ohmygosh you guys looked so cute!" Either way I'll make sure that she gets me a copy of that picture. I asked her later on and she said yeah, she was behind the camera going "awww!" because we look so cute together.

Second break we were holding hands and his hands are so warm and *sigh* I'm so sprung on this boi. And Marcio kept trying to tell me all this stuff that I did not want to hear and I was like, gah gah. Everyone was like, who's that? This is Josh, I say. Oooooh, they say with a knowing look. He's my boyfriend, I say. Their faces cloud with confusion. Read my blog I say. They nod. Mmhm. Fortunatly practically all the girls in theatre are hooked up with people so I don't worry about anyone.

PE sucked because I forgot to bring a bra and we had to run the mile, I say fuck that and walk. It took me twenty minutes and the teacher said we had one more lap to go. Fuck no, I say, we did it four times (we did). I think she only believed me because I'm really good about paying my fines when I borrow PE clothes. Grrr. Flag football sucked. I kicked the ball and everyone's like, ooooh, wow you're good. I tell them, I'm a fabulous kicker. It's like, for two seconds if I blank my mind and squint my eyes so the football looks black and white I can pretend that I'm playing soccer instead of this shitty sport.

This girl, Mari, is in our PE class. She was in my PE class last year, I called her pretty girl because she was so pretty and cool. But, she was sort of a bitch, well, to me and Jessica anyway. So...she's here again. Apparently she was homeschooled for the first semester. She's not pretty anymore. She's gained hella weight and she has acne and she's still not a nice person (or so I hear from the person who told me she was homeschooled). Grrr. There's just no point to being mean, y'know?

I went with my dad to drive my brother to work and fell asleep on the way home. I'm so sleepy. Gah. Gonna hype up the caffiene so I can go to sleep tonight at a reasonable hour. Judy and I are going out for sushi tomorrow, yum yum yum. It'll be fabulous.

I'm worried that Josh'll get bored of me or something. Last night he was saying one of the reasons he didn't want to ask me out because he didn't want to have some stupid together-for-three-days relationship. I agree. But I worry that he'll be like, ehhh, she's not that cute, she's not that cool, she's not for me. I just keep thinking of Krispy Kreme (the guy in the book Sloppy Firsts). I don't know, he totally reminds me of Josh, I have no clue why. Krispy Kreme has a lot of sex with a lot of gurlies and stuff, and he's all punk-rock-stoner bad kid (who turns good) who wears a Backstreet Boy shirt (think about it. no matter what he wears he's not gonna shock people. But if he puts on a BSB shirt...it's this funny ironic shit that I love). So, I don't know, but at the end Krispy Kreme reveals that he used to listen to the main charectar and Hope talk when him and Hope's brother would get really stoned and it was all just a game to him, a little game to see how far he could drag her along.

I like to think that Krispy's feelings changed when he got to know her, and that he didn't have a chance to explain because the main charectar ran away, but I don't know. I'm just like, such a perfect little punk rock biscuit and he's so badass and it's just like...what if he just gets bored of me, or if he likes someone better or something. I don't know. *sigh* but, I refuse to think about stuff like that. I'll be happy and jump around all day and smile and giggle in laugh. I was dancing around the locker room and Kelly asked me what was up because obviously something had happened with some guy. I told Gisel and she was surprised but happy and even Jacqui (a girl I knew in middle school) was like, "I have no idea what's going on, but I'm happy for you Brittany". (she was sitting in between Gisel and I. Yeah yeah *does a little dance*

Looking on the brighter side of life...Stargirl
Best Valentine's Day ever. Oh yeah. Josh and I are together, eeeh :) We talked for like, five hours, and we've got this like, amazing incredible energy and....yeah, badass. We were saying how it's funny we got together on a day we both agree is one of the shittiest holidays, and everyone's going to be awwww, how sweet, and then we're going to hit them over the head with a mallet. That has a pink heart painted on it. Oh yeah. See, he called me back and we just talked forever. I went to the bookstore today with my dad and had my old skool usual, brownie frappucino with a piece of snickers pie. See, I'm not boring, I'm retro, I'm trendy. I'm a loser. Yeah.

I read a whole Daughters Of The Moon book. It was interesting because for the first time the story was told from the point of view of someone who wasn't a goddess. Not only was the narrator not a goddess, they're a part of the Followers (the bad guys! yikes!). It makes me miss sneaking out. I miss looking up at the moon and Venus and feeling like they were watching out for me, and as long as I got home while I could still see them they'd make sure I was fine. Of course, I always was fine until finally I come home when the moon is gone. Ah well. But...yeah. I'm going to try to go to Roma's with Vivi on Saturday. Or, rather, Nicole. My parents just can't handle Vivi yet.

I took a shower today and hot oil treatmented my hair and it feels so good :) Yay. I gotta look for my tights because I'm going to wear a dress tomorrow. So...Josh and I talked forever and ever about everything. Maybe I'll write all about it later. I have to do my geometry homework now. Yeah, I finally have incentive to get straight A's, and I'll do it if it kills me. I'll tell you the incentive after I get my A's. 'cuz you know I will.

It didn't even have to rain :) Fabulous. I'd call Vivi and tell her the badass news but I don't want to wake up the sleeping princess like I did last night ;) adios! Star Girl

Thursday, February 14, 2002

Valentine's day is so shitty. Gah. I made all my valentine's, they were fabulous. Like, 20 of them, lotsa fun. I gave them out, lotsa fun. I got jack shit. Well, no, that's a lie. Biscuit gave me a couple M & M's and Fairie Chick gave me four micro-mini snickers. But other than that nothing. It was depressing. I only had two cotton candy's though, because I ran out of money. *sigh* the woe of it all.

So, I got some balls and called Josh today. *sigh* We talked for like twenty minutes before he had a beep, and then my aunt called so...I hope he calls me back. It was cool. He loves cotton candy as much as I do. Actually, I love it four times more. Turns out he's a virgin (yikes!) It was way badass talking to him :)

Duck called me two days ago from Oregon! I three-wayed Vivi and we chatted for a little while. He was calling from his dad's cell phone, oopsies, lol. Turns out there are lotsa queers on the indian reservation, yay. He doesn't live in a teepee (that brilliant politically correct question was asked by Vivi *sarcasm*). My dad's off the phone. Gotta call Vivi and then Josh. Wheee! StarGirl

Wednesday, February 13, 2002

Gah! It just deleted all I wrote. Well, basically it said I'm in a better mood, I got my report card (and promptly lost it), I got one F, one D, one C, and three B's. I did some math and if I get straight B's for the rest of this year and next year I'll have a 3.521 weighted. Good good. I ate 5 things of cotton candy in 20 minutes. I am such an addict, you have no idea. It's like eating pink clouds, it's so great :) *sigh*

La de da, not much else, well other stuff that isn't important now because I'm impatient. Marcio wrote Nic a letter telling him how much he has the hots for him. We hit Marcio and tell him, NIC IS STRAIGHT to no avail. Bummer.

I had a crazy dream/fantasy/vision the other day when you're in that state of not-asleep-yet but not-really-awake. It was fabulous and I'll tell it in the same detail I did before because it was that great of a...whatever it is. It can't technically be a dream because I wasn't in REM, and it's not really a fantasy because I'm not controlling it, but it's not a vision cuz I'm not Joan of Arc. So...anyways.

My PE class is outsie but we're all in our regular clothes. I'm wearing my blue flowery skirt and a white tank when it starts to rain. The teacher calls everyone inside but I'm just dancing and skipping around in the rain. I see Josh/Cute Bus Boy walking, so I run over towards him and ask him where is he going. He says he's ditching, the hall monitors don't care enough to get wet so no one's going to stop him. He looks so...hot? Sexy? Gorgeous? Beuatiful? Cute? I don't know, he looked so much of everything. Standing there, hands in his pockets, slouchy in that boy way. His curls are wet, there are raindrops on his long eyelashes. His freckles are wet. His eyes are, as usual, the most amazing eyes I've ever seen. Brown around the iris, clear aquablue for the rest. He invites me along, I accept. We're going and I start skipping. He's not following. I run back to him and order him to skip. Of course he says no, boys don't skip. I grab his hand, it's soft and warm, and tug him along until he finally joins me. We're running and skipping and laughing in the rain. I trip overmyself, as I tend to do and fall into him, he catches me. We just stand there not moving. I twist one of his damp curls around my finger, biting my lip nervously. Close your eyes, I almost whisper. Why? he asks. Because I want you to. Just do it, I say. He closes his eyes. I kiss him. I can feel myself kissing him but I can see us too, like a passerby. My skirt and shirt are wet, clinging to my skin. My hair is down and in that messy/curly way it gets (the ends sort of curl..hard to explain) when it's wet. I'm leaning into him, my hands on his neck, his arms around my waist. We stop kissing, our foreheads are touching, I can feel him breathing. I giggle and pull away. He tries to pull me back to him, but I'm already gone. I grab his hand and yell "c'mon, let's race!". We run up the street. My flip flops are flopping, his Chucks are splashing. Everytime he gets a little ahead of me I grab him, pull him back and kiss him, then pull away giggling.

It was...great. I was hoping maybe it'd rain, but I checked out the ten day fourcast. There's a 10% chance of precipitation tomorrow. The rest of the 9 days have none. *crosses fingers* It'd be great if it rains. At 7 my mom is going to stop making her "your kid doesn't do jack shit in my class" calls and I'll call him up. *sigh* I see him around school sometimes., but I'm too shy to say hi or anything. Imagine that, me, shy. I've thought of a billion things to tell him. My cotton candy obsession, how I got caught sneaking out (or rather, back in), all the books I've been reading, my shitty grades, my wishing for the rain (he loves the rain too. I'll probably leave out *why* I want it to rain. Actually, of course I will). My fabulous new flip flops and my philosophy about flip flops. Mmhm.

I'm getting back to happy. To normal. To that non-depressed state of being where I get sad sometimes but I'm generally cheerful. Or, as Cupcake said, I'll go back to my usual state of being "that glittery giggly fairie going around making sure everyone is happy". I've been singing 80s songs and Grease songs to my PE class, I jump and cheer and giggle and laugh and holler when we make a point, or when we get the ball, or when we throw good, or when our center gives it to the quarterback and the QB doesn't drop it (it's harder than it looks, trust me). And I joke and I go "grrr!" and try to look menacing, which just makes eeryone laugh because it's so absurd. I dance around with my cotton candy, through the hallways of my depressing orange, white, and black school. I smile, I wave, I sing, I giggle, I tickle and talk. Right now a lot of it's fake, but I feel it getting truer and truer. Back to my old self. Yay. Well, I'm off to make Valentine's and take a shower. Ooh, I'm going to take three silly pics of myself so I can get my film developped and S said she's scan it. *smooches* thank you! So, more pics up soon! StarGirl
So, this whole not writing in my blog thing just isn't working for me. And with this fabulous new layout...I just want to write write write and make everything fabulous. Vivi informed me that my Stargirl link doesn't work, well it does but it's stupid. So, I'm giving you all the links here and I'll just continue to write in here as per normal.

Click here to read the whole story about Fairie Chick, Nic, and how I've become a loner
Click here to read about the fabulous books I've read this month, and my book woes
Click here to read about my partying weekend. What happened at the party, how I got caught, and what happened afterwards
Click here to read about family shiznit

Yup yup. So...let's see, what's up? S just called, I'll write more later.

Monday, February 11, 2002

If you know what's good for you you'll go check out Vivi's site. I just redid all the html and it looks fabulous, if I do say so myself. C'mon. She's a funny little jew! She'll brighten your day. She's a fucking roman candle. She never says anything commonplace. Okay, so I'm stealing shit from Jack Kerouac now. Give me a break. Just go to her site and sign her guestbook for me, kay? Kay.

Ta Da. Okay, so I finished this month's issue of my life. Here's how it's going to work. Probably every Sunday I'll update the sections and add new ones as needed. On the front page there will be a date stating the last time it was updated. I'm going to turn this page into my archive page. Yup yup. So, now, presenting, issue#1 of Stargirl's life...the first website I've coded *entirely* by hand. Entirely. The utterly fabulous Star Girl Issue #1. Check it out.

Sunday, February 10, 2002

i need something to live for.
something that makes it worth what i'm waiting for.
something strong i hold on to.
something that makes me see you,
something that makes me want to want you,
something that makes me want to fucking need you.
i need something something to live for,
something to give me something to smile for,
something to make me dance under moonlight,
something to let me know that i'm doing fine.

that'd be such a kickass song. i can hear it in my head.
oh, and cody called me, which is weird as fuck considering he made me cry and all. but, none of you know about that. actually, i checked my caller id and he's called like, five times in the past three days. too bad he's a mean little fucker. okay, he did apologize but still. asshole extrodinaire. can't say anyone's ever made me cry in such a short acquantaince as Cody did. I should type up all the shit that has happened. my drunken happiness. i can't sneak out anymore, which goes along with the whole getting caught sneaking out and thinking that my dad was throwing me out thing. so, no more sneaking out because if my dad catches me again...well, let's just say this time he didn't tell my mom which is the only reason i'm alive. it makes me sad though. now i have to go out and be responsible and shit. i'm used to going out when i want, where i want, with whoever i want, and coming home whenever i want. it makes me sad. i want a cookie.

it sucks to know a whole weekend was gone. all i did was get craig to take me to get a slurpee, in the process of which we kidnapped robin and went to jack in the crack. and i went to the one acts to see the fabulous vivi in her fabulous play. she really was great. i wonder if my parents notice how quiet the phone is. i get maybe three calls a day now, more if miss pink is looking for me. i used to get twenty calls a day. but no, they don't notice.

i came home from the company player's meeting with a button on my shirt saying "be my valentine please" and a big heart. my parents got all excited asking who gave it to me, la de da, so excited that i might be doing something normal like having a boi. sadly, no, i pinned it on myself. they were quite disappointed. my brother thinks i'm so weird. but the funny thing is i could be so different. i could shop at abercrombie and american eagle and i could be a cheerleader and i bet i'd be pretty damn popular. *shrugs* it's just not what i want. the funny thing is when i was in sixth grade that's all i wanted. i dunno, i guess that's what happens when you spend your elementary days with mishka and sperm girl (mishka was very tall and very skinny with very long white blonde hair) or reading on a bench.

speaking of which, i saw sperm girl on friday. her mom buys her cigs now and lets her smoke. her mom lets her smoke pot and buys her alchohol. on saturday jason called me and asked if i wanted to smoke pot with them. 'them' being basically all my old friends. in the olden days i could have done that easily, but if i had told my mom i was going to sperm girl's house she would have freaked out.

so...yeah...i don't know. i'm just being alone right now which is cool because i sort of want it. i like that i don't have to make excuses to get off the phone, i don't have to talk to anyone on the breaks. everyone is mostly starting to leave me alone to read and that's sort of what i want. i sort of get lonely but it's what i want. josh (cute bus boy) called me, as did monte. haha. crazy monte. cj and i have been missing each other's calls. yup...that's basically it. some other time i'll tell you about everything that's happened instead of these ramblings.

maybe later tonight, i dunno when. maybe today, maybe tomorrow, does it really matter when? i'm thinking of stopping this. it doesn't give me the same ego-stroking it used to. i used to rush home to write in here, to let everyone know my thoughts and my actions and everything. but lately all it's caused me is a lot of grief.

dumb shits signing my guestbook, ooh, you're so badass you can't even leave your fucking e-mail? you stupid pieces of shit. i let you get to me before i realized that while you could know me better than almost anyone, you don't know anything about me. it's obvious. first of all, to chris. i have been cutting myself way too long to be embarrased about it now. i point out my scars in pictures the same way i talk about my scars in here. you can't have an online journal and be embarrased about anything in your life. i talk about cutting the same way i talk about my period and sex and masturbation and everything else that is usually not talked about. guess what, i don't give a shit. it's a part of me, it's a part of my life.

and to bastard, jesus christ. i mean, guess what, everyone has it worse than you. if you're homeless and suffering withdrawl symptoms from heroin you're feeling pretty fucking shitty and you have it pretty bad but someone out there has it worse than that guy. if you are abused and raped there is still someone out there that has it worse than you. i don't care who you are and what your situation is, someone out there has it worse. so fuck you. it's like in The Perks Of Being A Wallflower, when charlie is put into an institution everyone feels bad for talking about there problems because he has it so much worse, but he points out that just because he has it one way doesn't make whatever is bugging you any less. and you don't know anything about me, obviously. you think it's people like me who make cutting what it has become? people who started hurting themselves when they were ten or eleven and had no fucking clue what they were doing but they just knew they had to punish themselves? no, it's not people like me. i talk about it like it's something that can't be helped because for me it can't. i've given up. sometimes i'm passionate about quitting and other times i couldn't give less of a damn what happens to me i just want a razor in my hand. and i'd kill to have it.

so fuck you bastard, you don't know me at all. you think you're so high and mighty judging me, how about taking a look at yourself? i may be a lot of things but at least i can look into myself, even if i do over analyze it. what about you? when are you going to figure yourself out? you won't, because you're too busy wasting your time on the internet bitching at fifteen year old girls. fuckin 'a people annoy me. no wonder i like books better.

so, stargirl is a great book, as is sloppy firsts and house of leaves. i've been reading like crazy.... *sigh* i love books, i'm a great big book worm book dork fork me. just fucking fork me!!!!!

damn you.

so...yeah....i'm a big dork. i think i'll stop writing in my blog. i think i'll just make a site that reads like a 'zine that's like, somewhat journal like, a part of my life, you know, updates and stuff but about more stuff. yeah yeah. issue number 1 will be called Star Girl: a star is brightest just before it dies. mmhm. so...i'm thinking of dreading my hair. i know, i know, we go through this about every couple of months, ohh i want to dread my hair. but, i figure on my sixteenth i can cut it to midback and then order some shiznit from dreadheadhq because they are so badass. i don't know, i've heard good and bad about knottyboy, but nothing but good about dreadhead. sadly i can't have my dreads for the ani concert since it's at the begining of march and my birthday is at the end. but i think dreads would be quite badass. and then i think i'd rainbow-fye them or something. yeah. badass. so...hmmm...to dread, or not to dread? if i do i'll have a dreading party where everyone can come over and get free food and dread my hair.

maybe i'll even invite jabby, cuz he's got dreads. and a badass scrunchi. blebabazedawdelabooglemoo. yeah. i hear ya jabby. stargirl

It's Like Living In A Squat With Junkies

That is what my house is like. You think I'm jesting? No way. We ran out of Pepsi last night. We went to bed grumpy. This morning and all day we were pepsi-less. We were lethargic, sleepy, popping caffiene pills, getting headaches from lack of caffiene. We had no energy. We didn't want to do anything. We snapped at each other. We grrrred at each other. I started screaming for the sole purpose of screaming.

when we finally got to my aunt's house that had pepsi we were much happier campers. la de da. bye. star