Saturday, January 26, 2002

Those Who Fall From Grace

You will never guess who called me today. I was up for a while, took a little nap in the afternoon. Got a check for a hundred dollars from my cousin Liz. My brother has one too. That's the Christmas present she called to get our adress for. It's almost unbelievable because she never gives us Christmas presents. My mom was like, no way, my dad was like, no way, I'm like, no way. It's so....strange. So, that was way cool. Went to the store and got some Chocolate Fudge Brownie ice cream. Come home...play a lot of tetris. Out of curiosity I go and check my caller ID. There is a name...it is so familiar. I contemplate who it could be...it is so familiar to me. Finally, it hits me. CJ. CJ! I call him, he's not home.

This was quite a weird situation I found myself in. I mean, CJ. In Vegas. He's supposed to be in Idaho in college. Oh my. Later he calls me. Oh gosh, his voice. I didn't recognize him at first, I guessed Cody, Brian, Justin, old friends, old people. Finally I realize it's him. It's just so...unbelievable to me that it's hard. We talk for a while, just catching up. He's in Vegas to work, he's not in school anymroe, he might go back. But for now he's here on a permanent basis. Living with his parents and brothers and sisters, of course. He was cooking pasta. He was talking about how much he loves little kids. We just talked. This has left me very...unsettled. All these old feelings rushing back, you know? I'm so confused. What now? I mean, I keep telling myself, Pixie don't be stupid. Pixie remember what he did to you. But...that was over a year and half ago. It was a long time ago. People change. People make mistakes. I don't know, I don't know. I just can't believe he's here. And I was just talking about him in here what, not even two days ago?

That's basically it...I just had to tell someone. So I decided to tell strangers, lol. But...oh my. We'll see what happens here. Pixie
Do You Know What To Do When Their Are Six Forks In Front Of You?

Last night Vivi wanted to go out, I did too. We decide to go to Roma's. I sneak out at 10 to catch the bus, no bus in sight. Okay, I start walking and singing songs to myself so I don't get bored. This homeless guy asks me for money. I give him a buck, my bus money. I'm thinking, hell,I won't need it. He starts talking to me. I'm polite, and he's rambling on and on and on. About how he wants to go skiing and how he's a muscician and how he's been in Vegas four years and it's so hard to find a place to stay. Just on and on. For fifteen minutes. By now I just want to yell you have my money! Leave me alone!. I see a bus. I apologize and say I'm goin to miss my bus. He grabs my wrists and gives me this little speech about how I'm a good person and good things will happen to me. I pull away from him and go running after the bus, missing it. Of course. This angers me so much, stupid world, stupid karma. Well, I'm not really angry as much as I am disappointed and frustrated. I try to do a good deed and I miss my bus, making me even later than I already am. It's these little things that set me off. I start singing the Cabare theme song at the top of my lungs. I finally reach Marilyn Parkway. As I walk across ap arking lot this guy stops me and asks me if I have any money, he needs to get a hotel room. I'm like, fuck no! I give him the Cliff Notes version about how this homeless guy made me miss my bus but it didn't matter anyway because I had given him all my money and now I don't even have bus money to get home. He gives me two bucks. I try to say no, I mean, I've got a place to sleep at night, I've got friends to go to. But he wouldn't take no for an answer. I finally get to Vivi's house, where she was waiting, looking especially pretty, and off we go.

This car stops by us and asks if we need a ride. I immediatly say no. Vivi tells them to meet us at 7-11 around the corner. No No No. I try to get her to just go to Roma's but she is inistant. We get there and ask 'em to buy us cigarettes. They comply. We make small chat and it comes out that we're 15. They wait in their car for us. I knock on the window in order for them to *roll down the window and give us our shit*. Vivi opens the back door and gets in to the car. *hand to forehead*. They hand us our cigarettes and we find out that they're also going to Roma's and offer us a ride. Okay, no problem. It's right in front of us, we shrug and agree. Then tey say they need gas.There's a gas station right here. Oh no, they don't take credit cards. Vivi and I exchange looks. We're in Roma's parking lot and they're like, no no, we just want to get gas. I'm thinking, I know there's a gas station on the other side or Roma's that does take credit cards, okay no biggie...but Vivi flips and is like, Fuck no we're going to Roma's. She does everything but attack me to get out of the car. Roma's is packed, not a seat to be found. We see Cookie and chat with him. Turns out he's waiting for Jabby.

If you don't know, Jabby is Vivi's new best friend. That night at Roberts when they left to get taco's Jabby was selling something or another, so they bought it. Then when she was buying a pregnancy test for her sister she saw him again outside of the store. Okay weird. Then yesterday when she was walking home she saw him again! And she's like, are you stalking me or something? And he's like, dude I was just going to ask you that. So they chat and he puts his number in her cell phone. So, we're thinking weird right. When we're talking to Cookie she's telling him about this guy and she's like, yup, that's Jabby. And Cookie is like, no way, I'm waiting for Jabby! How crazy is that? We buy our coffee and go outside. Jabby and some friends of his show up and we hang around outside smoking and drinking and listening to them play guitar. It's getting pretty cold. We go inside and spy an empty table. Cookie comes over and sits on the ground next to us. His friend comes over too. Cookie leaves, and we invite his friend to stay.

His name is Cody, and he seems erally nervous and anxious. Scared, actually. I call him on it and he declares it's just his mannerism. He asks us if we know what to do with six forks next to our plates. No my friend, I don't. He said he did when he was eight. It's just the way he was raised and that's just how he is. Hmmm. Okay. He's strange but crious. He writes plays and stuff so I ask him to write me somethin. He writes me this poem on a napkin, which is going on my closet. It goes like this:

I could; pick you up
Or I could pick you apart
I could bring you joy
Or I could break your heart,
I could be silent and
Forever hold my peace
Or I could reach
Into your soul and
try to find my release.
I could take what I ant
Or I could want you too much
I could look into your eyes or
I could look an not touch.

Muy cool, eh? So, Vivi writes a poem on a napkin, which was a shock because I didn't know she wrote. Of course she does, lol. I write one too. Just one off the top of my head. I wish I had written another copy. :/ Roma's closes, we all depart. Cody pretty much makes it clear we're not getting a ride from him.
Vivi: So, you drive? Where do you live?
Cody: Over there
Vivi: really? I live right around the corner
Cody: Is that your way of subtley asking for a ride?
Vivi: *laughs* No no, I live right around the corner why would I need a ride?
Pixie: *sits here and thinks I don't live right around the corner and that Cody bastard knows that*
Cody: *laughs* Okay, that's how most people try to get rides. Oh you drive? y'know.
Pixie: *thinks: bastard*

We seperate and go on our merry fucking way. He comes chasing after us. Yay, maybe he isn't such a bastard at all. Oh no. He wants my number because we offered to do a read through for his play. Fucker. But...always trying to expand my circles I give it to him. He didn't know my name, lol. But it's okay. I didn't know his either :) I go to my stop and as I'm walkin gthis guy smiles and says hi. He looks nice, clean cut. Not hitting on me. Safe. We're sitting waiting for the bus and he seems genuily nice. He's surprised when he finds out I'm fifteen (isn't everone? *shrugs*) He says I probably don't have any problems from the cops or anything. I say nope. He asks me if I want to go to the casinos. No no no. He knew it was a wild card when he played it, and there were no hard feelings between either of us. The bus comes, he pats my leg. Ick. On the ride we're talking. Subtle touches here, glances there from him. Lesson of the day: everyone has their own agenda and everything is a trade off. He gives me a good lesson in philosophy, I give him a few taps on my knee. The bus finally stops and I realize I'm two stops away from where I should have gotten off. It happens. Maybe it's for the better, because he'll think that's my stop.

It was actually, all in all, a really fun night. I love Roma's. Just the atmosphere, you feel like you know everyone. And everyone is so unique. So bad ass in everything. And it's like, you look your whole life trying to figure out where you belong. You finally find your crowd in middle school. Everyone finds their crowd in middle school. But everyone changes in middle school and your crowd doesn't fit in high school. Just subtle things let you know that you don't belong. You find your new crowd, for me it's the theater, and everythings great. And then you find Roma's, and it's like, all your favorite people hanging out there. It's just like breaks but no school involved and you can smoke. And it makes me feel better, because I know that my uncle used to hang out there when he was in Vegas. He probably sat at the same places that I sit, with the same kinds of people I sit with. And that's really cool. Pixie
It's hard to remember what is a dream and what is not. You wake up in the morning and go, no way, do you think Biscuit still likes me? But then you realize that it was just a dream, not reality. I had interesting dreams last night. It started off with me going out somewhere with friends. Just to eat and stuff. I got home a little late and my dad was angry. He thought that I was lying about where I had been. I was so angry at him that I forced him to drive me to all the places I'd been that night, so that he would know I was telling the truth. In my next dream I was in this cabin with all the theater kids. Everyone. I went to go get some food, and there were a few other people in the kitchen, including Biscuit and Madison (Madison is this girl I used to dance with. Total sweetheart, she was great). I went to the fridge and rummaged on the bottom, Biscuit rummaged on the top, I rummaged on the bottom. He was stroking my head. He dropped something and bent to pick it up, we just looked at each other. He kissed my ear and left.

La de da, just hanging out. Then there was this river, like, a moat, but a clean cool one, and everyone was floating down it. Biscuit convinced me to go around with him and we were just going, teasing each other and stuff. Then everyone dissapeared. I asked where they went and they said they had gone "balding". I had no idea what it was so they explained it to me. You go to movie stars houses and shave off their heads. I went looking for them, it was night time. As I walked I saw this woman in her back yard. This beautiful etheral being. So white and goddess-like. I realize that it's Marilyn Monroe! Of course I have to warn her. I go and tell her what they're going to do to her. She is really upset by this. I'm standing on one side of her back gate, she's standing on the other. She invites me in and we sit at a back table. She asks if Fairie Chick was in on it, because Fairie Chick is a personal friend of hers. I confirm and she sighs, just really sad. We start talking. Of course the kids show up eventually. I go back there and tell them that if they dare touch one hair on Monroe's head I will hang them by their entrails. They are sufficiently scared and leave. I talk to Marilyn and she's so...everything you'd imagine her to be. The police show up and I assume that they found the kids or something. Sadly, they didn't. They tell her to sit down and she's like, what do you need to tell me, tell me. And the guy was like, I think we better wait for my partner and she's like fuck you, I need to know. Her cousin died. She starts bawling in my arms, I just hold her. She gets up and pours herself a drink, thinks better of it and pours it, along with the bottle, down the drain. And then I woke up.

Last night was full of craziness, but I'll write about that later. I think my parents have been talking about me lately. I made it a point to wake up early today, at 10, actually. My mom was like, so glad to see you up (not sarcastically), my dad gets out of his shower and says the same thing. He's like "she got up, she got up, see baby your daughter got up. She's growing up! she's almost sixteen". My mom almost sadly said "yes, she is". Hmmm, wonder what that means. *shrugs* Can't wait till I'm 16. Sixteen is the official you can go out with your friends and have fun age. Well, for me it is. My brother's was whenever he wanted.

Friday, January 25, 2002

I've Never Known Completeness

I just finished the most intriguing good book. It's called the Descent by Jeff Long. It left me with the feeling I had after I finished my first Dean Koontz book (which, if you're curious, was a masterpiece titled Intensity). It's too complicated to really explain the plot. It's sorta sci-fi, except instead of going out exploring worlds in space, our own earth is explore. These horrible cruel creatures, human in species but descendents of Satan, inhabit the subplanet of earth. It's so good. I started reading it yesterday and stayed up into the morning reading.

My tests today were quite easy. Much easier than anticipated, which is always a good thing since I didn't study at all yesterday. I was too busy reading. *holds her dorkiness out for everyone to see* Geometry was loads easier than I thought it would be. Loads. I so appreciate that. I don't know if it's easy because the teacher made it so it wasn't difficult, or if it was easy because I took the time to concentrate. I'm reall good at math...it's just a puzzle and you can always figure a problem out, whether or not you understand the concept behind it. So, that was cool. PE was easier than I expected too.

I love Marcio to pieces, but I just want to pull out my hair sometimes. Okay, it's not that bad. But he gives like, a million hugs a day and he's always got to be in the spotlight, he can't just ever retreat in the background. I'm sure it's just from hey, being at a new school, new people, lots of queerness, lots of friends, everyone loves him and no one is putting threats on his life so you know...it's just a lot of energy to take. But sometimes I want to tell him to chill.

In PE Vivi was trying to get me to go hang out with her, Nic, and Bob. She also let me listen to her badass Caberet cell phone ring. "come to the cabaret, old chum..." It's great. But..I'm tired, I'm sick, and my dad had to take me to the post office. Not that he ended up taking me, I'm out of money for the week somehow so I can't afford to pay to have the hat shipped. Gotta wait till Tuesday. Ugh. But I'm sure Gama will understand. Also, the bus ride home with Josh. Never want to miss that. There are always birds around the school, it's something you just get used to. Living in trees in the courtyard or in the gym or wherever. But today I realy noticed them in the quite of the test-taking gymn. Just chirping away, oblivious to the fact that they live in a high school gym. Or maybe they like it better that way. I don't know, if you have a choice I suppose it's not really captivity. When birds come in from outside they fly around like crazy and we all sympathize, poor bird can't find it's way out. Maybe it's not trying to get out at all, maybe it's flying around in triumph for getting in. Things change when you change your perspective. I've been thinking about that lately.

So, I hop on the bus with Josh and we talk about how great it is to be Friday. You know, yay yay midterms are over. Dude, he's got an Atari. Can you imagine? We talked about video games and slurpees and favorite kiddie cartoon shows. Somehow it came up, I'm not sure how but he assumed I was a slut. I was so surprised, like, oh my gosh y'know? He's known me all of ten days and surely hasn't heard anything from anyone else about me, so on our short bus ride chats he assumes I'm a slut. Golly. I told him I might be a slut from a catholic nun's point of view, but not really. He was like, didn't know you'd get mad. It didn't come up as a question...but I don't remember how it did. He was also like, I wouldn't trip out if you asked me if I was a slut. So I did, of course. That is such bait. He said he wasn't a slut. That's not enough for me, of course. I asked if that meant he didn't sleep around at all or he didn't sleep around a lot. He said he didn't sleep around a lot. Hmmm...

He poked fun at my many...umm...how to put this? Unique characteristics. Yes, my unique charecteristics. Like shrugging and casting my eyes upward, or saying I don't know, or giggling, or folding paper. Oh yeah? Well...he says "anyways" a lot. So there. *goofy grin* He complimented my boots. Orgasm. Anyone who loves my boots is good in my opinion. Actually, they're great in my opinion. Finally his stop came and he was like, yay, get to get off this bus. I faked being insulted and was like, yup, away from the crazy girl. He just looked at me and was like, no, it's not like that at all. And off he goes.

My dad talked to my counselor and said there was nothing we can do about my spanish class. Nope, I refuse to stay in that awful class. So, I'm supposed to talk to Ms. Drama and talk to Senor Spanish and then go talk to my counselor and see if something can be worked out. I got a strange call from a man at my brother's girlfriend's house. I gave him my brother's cell number and tried to call my brother, but no answer. I just talked to him a second ago and told him about the incident, he revealed that it was Vanessa's dad but said no more. Told me how sad his teachers were to see him go, all the good things they said about him, one called him bright. And not bright like smart, but bright like good morals. Unnn. Last night at dinner my mom was bitching about one of her classes (yes, it is that time of year again for universities to start their new semesters and to life with much less of my mom around) and the class is on diversity and stuff, and of course everyone looks at my mom and sees a middle age middle class white female and assumes that's all she's ever been. They say she doesn't understand what it's like to be mixed. Uhh, she has two mixed children. They say she doesn't know what it's like to be poor. When they got here and her sister was on welfare, the foodstamps for two were used on a family of six and they were eating better than they had their whole lives. They say you don't understand what it's like to live in the south. She's from Mississippi. So, as she's telling us all the things they were saying and how wrong they were and this and that she's talking about her life and how she's experienced so much of everything. As she's saying all the different environments, prejudices, etc that she's seen it goes something like this: "blah blah blah, my kids are mixed! My daughter is bi!". My brother's sitting right there. Of course I don't care if my brother knows, I don't really give a damn if anyone knows. He'd have to be stupid not to think *something*. I've got an upside down triangle sticker on my closet, along with a thing that says "dyke", he's seen my rainbow patch and rainbow wallet, he questioned why I was reading Maxim and I gave him some half-truthful answer. He knows I've got a lot of queer friends. But it's never been spoken in front of him. Not ever. It's always been this thing kept on the downlow, like if they didn't say it it wasn't true. So, it was really weird.

I've been meditating a lot lately. I need to do it more. Every time I start I become more happy, and then I stop because...y'know, I get busier and stuff. But, I have been and thinking about all those deeper things and the deeper things in my life. That's how CJ came up, that's how the birds come up and other such things. Finally I thought about Robert. I contemplated it, I turned the situation around and around in my head, looking at it, figuring out. I feel like he treated me badly, but at the same time I miss it and I miss him and I want him, and all this stuff. Weird emotions attatched to stranger symbolisms, and finally it hits me. I know why I can not want him and want him at the same time. I know why I feel like he treated me badly and I know why I can miss him and need him and feel so kindly and goodly towards. I won't tell any of you, because it's one of the few things I think should be kept private. Ha, that's funny. There are now two things I have deliberatly not talked about in here. I hope you understand, a girl's gotta keep some things to herself. My mom said there are some things you should go to the grave with. I've never been the kind of person to go to the grave with anything, I'm not cut out for that sort of stuff. But, this is one I won't tell the whole world at least.

I'm going to go get a slurpee. Pixie

Thursday, January 24, 2002

I Come When You Call

Today was pretty good, my friend, pretty good. English test was fairly easy, except one section I knew nothing about. But, it happens. World History test was a little more difficult, but again not a mondo problemo. Kristen wanted to come home with me, mostly just to see Josh. I waited after school in the quad...and waited...and finally deemed I was going to miss my bus if I didn't haul ass. Off I go. I had to sit next to Casi, this girl I used to know who never liked me. Bleh. Her stop is the first stop, fortunatly, as I went to sit back down I realized that Josh was right there where I was standing, so I sat next to him.

We talked a little, not much. I'm too shy around him. Way too shy, so there's not a lot to say. He was wearing these badass boots. I don't know what my problem is. If he was interested before he probably isn't now...golly.

My mom has been really angry lately. She and my dad are always fighting and all she does is bitch. She bitches at me for what my dad does and it's like, I have no control over him woman, why don't you talk to him? I don't know why she gets so angry. Like, I really think she's just going to explode or something. I'm going to go clean up the house so she's not all grrr grrr when she gets home. pixie

Wednesday, January 23, 2002

Who am I? To be vying for your touch?

Took another nap today. That's the nice thing about being sick, you get to nap. But that's bad when you need to study for midterms. So...Vivi and I divided the English and e-mailed each other so I just have to go over my english notes and try to memorize 'isms' since I bombed that test. Bleh. Then I want to look over my world history notes, but I don't really ahve to do that because it's an open-note test so I can use all the notes anyway. I really just want a good book to curl up with. Hmmm...I tried to get e-books from my library but...it's so fucked up and won't let me. Grrrr. Stupid library website. So...I'll go find some book online. I never finished Pride and Prejudice. I've decided to start reading more classic literature. Some of it I really like (Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice), some of it I really hate (Black Beauty, yuck), but I want to be more well-read. Ha. I'm the most well-read person I know, actually. The only thing is that I like to *have* the books that I've read, so I can go back and read them. Memorize them, know them. I actually considered maybe just getting books for my birthday, but...I need that membership to the gym. Gonna lose some weight and have a cute little figure.

I looked in the mirror and didn't recoil in horror. I sadly traced the lines of the scars on my body and had no urge to create more. I think maybe it'll be okay. That's such a good feeling, like the end of a good movie, or like a sunset. You just feel that it'll be okay. That feeling reminds me of CJ though. Sunsets too. Every day after work he'd go up to the top of the slide and just watch the sunset, this happy goofy grin on his face. God I miss him, I miss that. I miss seing his tan, lean body leaning over the railing, staring into the sunset. I miss his hair bleached blonde from the sun and too much chlorine. I miss the freckles on his shoulders and the crystals and mirrors in his beautiful blue eyes. What makes me truly sad though, is that no one I know now ever met him. Paco never met him and probably doesn't remember him. Even Fairie Chick...I don't think she ever knew who he was, what we had, or what happened to him. I miss being able to just be me, to be able to laugh and be stupid and be me. He never wanted anything more, he just wanted me, whatever that was, whoever I was. God, I still remember the way my heart felt like it was being torn out of my chest. I still remember the feeling I had while I waited for him to get home. When I called Sperm Girl and she said she had to go. But I heard someone in the background. I still remember the phone call I got, at 8:57 in the morning, I sat right here in this very chair in front of this very computer and the phone rang. I picked it up and sat sideways in the chair. The first thing I hears was "I love you Brittany, you mean everything to me, you know I would never hurt you I love you more than any one you're like a sister to me I'm so sorry I'm so sorry". My heart just stopped. I just crumbled. I cried all day. I cried in this chair, I cried on my bed, I cried on the way to Miss Pink's house (she was at my house when it happened). I cried as I called CJ to get his side, I cried as I called Sperm Girl to get her side. I cried and cried. I came home and cried myself to sleep. The hurt in that day was so...intense, immense. I guess that's what happens when you feel so strongly for someone. But...maybe I'm strong enough to feel that way again. Maybe I'm strong enough to handle feeling that way, to handle being hurt that way.

Vivi doesn't think Josh is cute at all. She says he dresses cool and looks sort of grungy, but isn't cute. Fuck her :) I like him. I just wish I didn't act the way I do around him. I feel all tired and dizzy and tipsy, like I do when I take too much meds. Not good, but...better than bad. Well...mis amigos, I'm going to go now. I just felt the need to write. Pixie
Shiver Shiver Brrrr

I'm home early becuase of midterms we have half days. *does a little dance* So...midterms, ha! First I went to chemistry. At first I was doing well, then I started doing bad because I didn't study as much as I should have. It happens. We had three essays (which he assured us weren't worth a lot) and I had no idea what any of them were. So I bullshitted all of them and on the last one I wrote a little note to my teacher. Mr. F, why do you have to make it so hard? And I explained to him about how my medication maks me fall asleep so I didn't study that much and does the school charge for drool stains in textbooks? I hope he gives me sympathy points, or you're cute points, or gee you're funny points. The bummer thing is that we only have one ten minute break. So...I'm just hanging out in the theater when Miss Pink comes in...with Josh. She asks me if she can borrow money and I say sure and we chat a bit...the bell rings and off we go. Spanish was easy. So easy :) I didn't even read the test, I just filled in answers and I didn't even do the essay. Everyone was stressing out and it's nice to be able to know, fuck, I fucked myself over long ago so I don't have to worry. Went and got on my bus...sat next to Josh.

We just talked and I was like, sorry I'm so stupid around you. And he's like what do you mean and I'm like...I don't know, you're just too cute and too cool and you just make me nervous so I act all stupid around you. He asked me how do I normally act...I don't know! Just less giggly and less stupid. I don't know, I'm usually not a shy person at all, but he makes me shy y'know? Mmmm...it is so weird for me to be like this...I can't remember the last time I was. Even with Biscuit and Jah Love and stuff. Maybe because they were so take-charge I guess. I mean, the day Jah Love found out I liked him he was licking my ear and stuff. So...who knows, who knows. I have no idea if the me and Josh thing will go anywhere. I doubt it, he probably thinks I'm just some giggly nail biting airhead. Who reads a lot. And likes lesbian music. *laughs* Hmmm.

After school I came and started writing in here but Miss Pink called me up wanting to go to the store. She wanted chicken pot pies that she had at Amber's house, and she didn't know what kind they were so would I please come? Okay...I go over, John (the cute friend whose car I left my wallet and lost my sweatshirt in) came and picked us up and we go to the store. Get the shiznit. Miss Pink was like, I want starbucks so we were going and she asked me if I was going to get anything. I laughed and told her I couldn't afford a habit like starbucks. Then she changes her mind because she can't afford it and wah wah and I'm like, just take us there John I'll cover it. She was like, I thought you couldn't afford Starbucks. I can't, but I don't mind getting my friends stuff. We give the guy our order and he was like, aren't you getting anything? I said nope, he asked if I was just along for the ride and I laughed and said that I was along to pay for Miss Pink. He laughed. We got our drinks and John covered it because he said he felt bad for me paying. We go home.

I make her her chicken pot pies because she can't read instructions and I don't mind doing it. She was talking about how cute the guy was and la de da and me and John were like, why didn't you get his number? Why didn't you give him your number? But she's like...aah. So...she gets the phone book and I call them up and I'm like, can I talk to the blonde? The guy who answers is all confused and puts me on hold. Then I'm talking to a girl and I ask her if I can talk to the blonde, she's like, do you know his name? I laugh and say no, that's why I'm calling. She asks if I can describe him better...he's the spiky haired blonde. I get put on hold again. Finally I get the guy and I'm like, are you the spiky haired blonde? He answers in the affirmitive. It's the same guy who answered the phone, his name is Rob. I tell him that I had come earlier with my friend...I was the girl who paid for her friend but didn't buy anything. He was like...oh, right. I tell him that my friend thought he was cute and could we get his number? He said he was never at home so I gave him Miss Pink's cell number and he got our names and that was it. He asked why didn't she give him her number earlier and I tell him she thought she looked like a scrub and whatever. He said it didn't matter, I agreed.

Now I'm here, at home. I need to study for english and world history. Blah. I wish Miss Pink would start doing things for herself, because she'll be on her own one day and she needs to know how. I mean, she made me make her chicken pot pie. The instructions only had three steps! Preheat oven, stick the pie in, and cook for an hour. I mean, jesus christ. She always complains about how bad she has it but she's not getting emancipated. Her 18th birthday is in two months and she's not moving out. She wants to stay so she can get a DVD player and christmas presents and stuff before she leaves so she won't have to pay for things like that. That's so infuriating. She talks about how bad she has it, but she won't leave. If you'll stay for a stupid DVD player then it's not that bad. She was saying how broke she is and it's like, you're broke on your own terms. She's saying how she has no money. She got like, 600 bucks for christmas and she spent it all. If she didn't she would still have money now. But she spends all her money on clothes and stuff. Stupid BeBe shit that she only wears once. It's so infuriating. Bleh. Well, I'm going to stop my bitching and study. Pixie

Eeep. I gotta go with Miss Pink to the store. finish later.

Tuesday, January 22, 2002

Josh

I'm sooo sick. Blah. I've studied just little bit and then I fell asleep. Josh called me while I was napping...so I called him back, we talked. Talked about Miss Pink and movies and stuff. His sister seems really cool, but it's kind of strange to have her commenting to like, everything we say, *laughs* But she's funny so it's cool.

Hmmm...yeah, I don't know. I still like him. He's so cute and nice and stuff :) I can't help but like him. We shall see how this progresses. Pixie
Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough

Today was an a-okay day! Thank goodness. Whew. Yes. Get up...I'm pretty fuckin sick, but you know, it happens. Go to chemistry...pretty miserable in chemistry because I'm so sick and the class is so long but at the end Vivi was cracking me up tons. First break is just...y'know...whatever. Spanish we had a test. I just guessed. Why bother? I'm not even going to study for my midterm. My parents are expecting an F and I did some math and there's no way that I can change that, no matter what I do, so...I just read my book and said fuck it. Second break I just walked around with Vivi and Marcio to see if I could find Josh...to show them who he is and what he looks like, but he was not to be found. English I spent with Jessy and Fairie Chick...I got a C+ on my paper, and I could change it but my grade would only go up one percent, so why bother (btw, I have a 73, score!). Fondled Jessica...she kept biting my shoulder and I'm like, eep! You can't do that :)

Hurried to the bus...got there, sat down. La de da. A few seconds later Josh gets on and plops down next to me. We talked. He ditched with Miss Pink today and he was like...eep...I was like, I know, I know, I can only handle her in small doses. I guess she just kept talking about me and stuff. He was like, if I hang out with her any more I'll know everything about you. He saw my arm and my leg and asked me about it. I told him it was me being stupid. He agreed. He had a Dexter's Labratory watch on. My powerpuff girls watch is so much cooler. He still won't let me paint his nails. I got his number and he was like, about my sister getting your number, I didn't tell her to do that...she was just like, "i know you like the girl on the bus so here" and handed it to me. To which I replied that he didn't even call me! He was like, dude, you have no idea. He got arrested and had to spend the night in jail :/ Smoking pot and got caught. So...we just talked. I giggle way too much around him. Like, ten times more than I usually do, and I'm a pretty fucking giggly kind of gal. We said adios when his stop came, and he was like, you're going to call me right? Because I'll lose your number.

*yawn* So, a nice ending. I've got my chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and ani difranco radio. I really want to go to the concert, but I don't want to ask my parents for the money, but it's like...how many times in my life will I have the chance to see Ani fucking Difranco? I mean, I've read so much stuff about her concerts. In so many books. For example, in the book Hard Love by Ellen Wittlinger, this kick ass dyke says about Ani, ohmigod she is so incredible. Her voice is like a razor. She's a poet, really. She writes this beautiful stuff that just blows me away, and about the concert, A cloud of smoke swirled through the crowd as we jostled our way outside, everybody lighting up as soon as they hit the lobby. All around us people were calling to each other, pushing past to reach old friends, or maybe they were people who barely knew each other, but now, metting at an Ani conert, they recognized each other as soul mates. It was a very good concert, and I had taht after-a-good-concert feeling: the world can't be such a rotten place if I'm surrounded by this many people who appreciate the same artist I do. The music had been loud and exhilarating, and I was definitely an Ani fan now. I felt like I'd made some kind of electric connection with her, but then everybody else must have felt the same way too. ALl around us people seemed really wired as they came down into the lobby. .

How can I say no to an opportunity like that? I can't believe my dad would even offer to buy me a ticket. I mean, after the last 'concert' stunt. Well, I'd be going by myself. She has mostly a dyke following, and S doesn't like her. Actually, besides Ashes I'm the only person I know who likes her. But then again, I love her :) Okay okay, I'll have to go. Did you really think I'd say no? It's Ani fucking Difranco. She's...brilliant...great...she's 5'2" and giggly, wiggly. I love all of her songs and all of her music, lyrics. I love her looks and her clothes and her lyrics and everything about her. I've heard so many MP3's of her live...and it's just so graet. of course I have to go. So...a good day. Pixie

Monday, January 21, 2002

My Brother's Jeans

Today was spent being with my mom and being sick. Yuck. I was going to get all dressed up tomorrow, but...in light of my sickness I opted no. Vivi and I decided that I should go for that dressed down cute jean look. So...I go look for a pair of jeans. Fuckin a, it's been a long time since I've worn jeans. Well...not since the night of the "concert" when I was at Roma's and ripped my favorite jeans. So...I go a'lookin through my closet. None. I try on every pair of jeans I have, some I had back in the seventh grade, of course none of them fit me. Not even the pair I wore when we were painting for the haunted house. I fit into them in October! Shit. I only weigh like, three pounds more than I weighed a few months ago. Blah. So...I even got desperate and asked my brother if he had any old pants that didn't fit him or he didn't like. Of course he's got some, and they fit me, but they're boys pants and you can tell that they are.

I'm going to go be sad and depressed and cry. Shit. I know it's my period, and I know that I'm sick and I'm tired and I feel like shit...but goddamn, y'know? Goddamn. Bye. Pixie

Sunday, January 20, 2002

Wicked

I just finished watching the movie Wicked. You should check it out. It has incest, sex, murder, and Julia Stile's nipples (well, through a tee shirt, but we take what we can get), and a fucking great soundtrack (the snake river conspiracy and kittie, with some other rockin' bands. too bad they don't sell the fucking cd). I love movies like that, so sensual and sinister that you just can't not like it. Like Cruel Intentions and Poison Ivy (well, I don't really remember that movie, actually. I just remember watching it when I was a kid and the girl using liquid eyeliner to make her lips black and going to a party. Of course I stole my mom's eyeliner and tried it out. But, black lipsitck never looked good on me. Or maybe it was a different movie, I don't know. I like to think it was Poison Ivy).

I also found the most beautiful model. She's so...gorgeous. You can find her fantabulous photos here. She's so pretty.

I was getting along quite well with my mom tonight. We cooked taquitos together, drank grape soda together (I don't know if I've ever mentioned it, but I *love* grape soda), and talked. She found out that my brother used to suffocate me with pillows. *shrugs* I just always assumed she knew. She brought up the idea of me possibly starting a restaurant, since I love to cook, I'm pretty good at it and I've got a good business head. Paco can make my desserts :) Hmmm....a possibility.

My brother wanted to spend the night at his friend's house. My mom was being nosier than usual (well, more than she usually is with *him*, anyway) and asked who was staying. Turns out it was basically everyone he knew, including gurls. Ooh, big deal. Of course she said no. My dad was ehh..supporting it. I have a feeling that he knew my brother had done this before. I say whatever, I mean, what can they do at night time that they wouldn't do in the daytime? And that is such a heterosexist idea. Do I feel bad for my brother? Only that he told the truth. He should have lied through his teeth. Duh. But, whatever. I'll never be allowed to spend the night at anyone's house except for Miss Pink. Oooh, me and my bisexuality.

Did I mention I found a pic of Angela? Angela is this girl I met my first time at Roma's. This is what I wrote about her: "And then Angela shows up and everyone seems to know her. She's so pretty. She has a shaved head, her septum pierced, and the prettiest smile. She also writes kickass poems. So we were all just talking and basically...hanging out." Ohh, I forgot about this, I got my tarot cards read by this guy she knew too. Intersting. Part of what he said was "I'll become who I want to be when I put my foot down and say 'no, this is what I want' and the real me will come out". So, anyways, I found a picture of her in the Bugle (the queer newspaper for Vegas) so I cut it out and now she's on my closet. She has hair now, but she's still sooo pretty. :)

I guess that's it. Mmhm, adios. Pixie

Wait, I was just thinking, my mom handles me pretty well. I mean, she's a bitch and I still dislike her and can't wait to leave her, But, she handles the way I dress and stuff pretty well. There's still clothes that she doesn't know I have, but all in all she's pretty good about it. I really need to get all my art stuff scanned. Do they have scanners at the library? I don't know, I'll go to kinkos or something and get my three notebooks scanned along with some new sketches. Bye.
it's hard to come up with a lie, isn't it?

Words spoken by my mom this morning. Surprisingly, there was no fight, no accusations, no me getting caught sneaking out. I woke up at 2pm today, and my mom's like "what time did you go to bed last night??" I'm confused, since she was awake when I went to "bed". I say early. She's like, what time? I'm like...ummm, I don't know, early? And she's like, it's hard to come up with a lie, isn't it? Then she says I can't sleep in until 2pm and smiles at me. I warm up her pizza because my brother left it cold, and all is well?

Yesterday was quite the strange day. Vivi and I were trying to call everyone we could to see if we could borrow ten bucks because between the two of us we only had two dollars. Call around...no one, nothing. We just wanted to go to Roma's and hang out, but you gotta have coffee. Two poor mans mocha's would be six bucks, and you gotta have cigarettes. That's 9 bucks. And I needed bus money to get there and back home. Finally, we give up calling people and decide to just go and think seperatly. I go online. *dun dun da dun* and there is Andrew. Andrew....hmmm....what to tell you about him? Well, he's my brother's friend, he goes to my brother's school, and I've known him forever. He was a part of "the boys" of Andrew, Timmy (Miss Pink's brother), Mohammed, and my brother. They were inseperable until they hit high school and went to three different schools.

I talk to him forever and finally he agrees to give me the money, yay! I tell my parents I'm going to Miss Pink's to give her something. The thing about Andrew's house is that it's so close in distance. The other thing about Andrew's house is that unless you hop a wall it's not so close. I hop the wall and don't kill myself. I haven't done that in years! Go to his house...his dad answers. Hi! Can I talk to Andrew? He invites me in. He introduces himself as Andrew's dad, he introduces Andrew's mom and Andrew's little brother. I just smile and smirk inside because of course I've met his dad and of course I've met his little brother and his mom used to drive me to school when I was in first grade.

Talk to Andrew for a bit, go through his wallet, he's got some pretty ex-girlfriends. He gives me the money and asks me where we're going. I tell him Roma's and invite him, he says sure. I go home. I had stayed a lot longer than planned, so I had to jump the wall. It is much harder to jump the wall going from his house to my house because the ground is lower on the other side making it go up past my head rather than to my shoulders. I use a tree to help climb up and get leaves and stuff in my hair. Go inside, my parents notice the leaves. I blushingly confess that I fell in the greenbelt and my mom blames my big pants.

My dad wants to watch a movie with me but...then I'd be up till 11:30, which doesn't help the plan of leaving at 10:30, so I decline and go to bed. Get ready, call Vivi, turns out that Claire and Nic are coming. Cool cool. Get ready. Andrew picks me up and off we go. It was a big surprise because Claire, Shane's ex, is not who I thought she was. This entire time I thought she was someone else, and then it turns out to be this girl. Hmmm. Quite weird.We just hang out and be stupid. Then we decide to go drinking with Korn, but we ended up at Denny's with *our* waitress. She's such a cool waitress. She brings us pie heated up with free ice cream. She let us use her cell when Vivi's wasn't working. She has fabulous high fives and she's usually there when we are. Last night was her last night, she's going on a big ass vacation. We left her a mondo tip and talked to her bunches.

In the end it turns out we're not drinking with Korn and we go to Nic's house. I fall asleep. Vivi watches a video of Bob's first time on stage. It was so crazy, because Bob looks the *exact* same as he did in 8th grade (considering that he was a junior when he dropped out). Same walk, same laugh, same way of sitting, same everything. Except his voice. It was that oh-so-lovely "I'm a boy in 8th grade" voice. I'm sure you know it. :) And considering that Bob's pretty monotone now...well, it just tells you how much of a difference there was. I was falling asleep, so we left. Andrew drove me home.

I absolutely love the feeling of coming home dead tired, undressing in the dark, pulling out my hair, yawning, wiping off my makeup and falling into bed at 3am. It's the same feeling as coming home to an empty house. It's great. It wasn't a great fasmatasmic night, but it was better than a night at home. Not to mention, I didn't spend any of Andrew's money. *laughs* It was sorta weird being around him, though, because like...I remember him back in the day and he was so different than he is now. Hmmm...Pixie