Saturday, January 19, 2002

I Eat Rainbow Cookies

Well well well. Craziness happened last night. Rainbow cookies. Yum Yum. I will tell ya'll all about it later. Pixie
Parental Warning: Explicit Sexual Girl On Girl Content
Okay. So, I didn't end up going out with Vivi. Instead, I went out with Miss Pink. Amber finallyc alled her, so I decided why not? My parents weren't home so I left a note. I hope they don't get pissed, but oh well. They could have called me on Miss Pink's cell if they wanted. We went to Miss Pink's house and she did landry and I ran around doing what she asked. I don't mind. I talked to her brother for a little wihle, which wasn't as strange as I thought it would be. I haven't actually talked to him since that night that I was drunkenly hitting on him. He's playing guitar and drums now, how badass is that?

Amber came and off we go. Stopped to get some Smirenoff Ice's. It's the trendy drink at the moment. Who decides what's trendy and what's not? But, that's not the point. At Amber's house (which, incidently, is in this neighborhood that Fairie Chick and I snuck into once on a late-night sneak out. There was this house being built that we went inside, it was so creepy) we got some food and stuff. By 9 I had killed a Smirenoff, taken a little blue pill (they told me what it was, but now I forget), and started hitting on her pot. We al went into Eric's room (her boyfriend) and I fell asleep on this couch in there, but it was cold. Ths girl came over, tall and thin, and wearing so much makeup. Way too much. Why do girls do that? I just see them and want to chisel the make-up off their face.

Amber woke me up and asked me if I wanted to go to sleep in her room. Sure. So, up we go. She gives me some shorts and I lay down. Miss Pink comes up and as they're hooking up I fall asleep. Eric comes upstairs and wakes me up. He brought me two more pills and a frapuccino so I'd stay awake (Oh, earlier Amber gave me another pill to wake me up too. It didn't work). He tried to get me to go downstairs in the hot tub with Miss Pink and Amber, but...I'm on my period and I wasn't really feeling like it. We talked for a little while and he was saying how I don't look or act fifteen. He said that I seemed European or something. Amber came upstairs and they just kept saying how I was so different. Eric was like, I bet you like to read and write poetry and stuff. Everyone told me not to cut my hair. Amber said it's sexy because she just wants to grab it, pull it, and fuck me *laughs* At some point they were talking about how pretty I am and I don't even know it. I'm so unaware of my prettiness. That's because I don't think I'm pretty! But that's not the point. They kept saying how there's no way I'm from Vegas, there's no way I act like I was born and raised here. Gosh, why is it so hard for people to describe me? Or, why is it so hard for me to understand what they say? I mean, how is it that I don't act like I'm from Vegas? I just don't get it.

Eric started saying how I should hook up with Amber, and I'm just like, eep, I'm shy, I'm shy. And we're all just laughing because we all know about my little drunken infatuation with Amber. But, eventually it started happening. Oh, by the way, this entire time Amber is naked because she had just gotten out of the hot tub. We started kissing and I started licking, biting, and fondling her nipples. My top and bra come off, I started fingering her and Eric did too. It's hard to believe how sexual she is. She could talk about painting her nails and it would just sound so naughty, y'know? She's very vocal and loud. Then Eric went and got a dildo from the car, but we couldn't find any batteries for it, so it remained unused for the time being. I went down on her, it as my first time and I was nervous, but...pot and smirenoff makes it really easy to not be nervous. She said I was really good. Screamed it too :)

Then she started fucking herself with the dildo (it was like, pink and white tie dye, *laughs*), so I started fingering her and fucking her with it. She was clawing my back and pulling my hair and screaming and it was great. Eric and I started kissing, because she gets off on that. This just went on for a really long time, she just never stops. In the end Eric was trying to get me naked, but, I feel so self conscious about my body. They're like, no no, we like your body or else you wouldn't be here. And I'm on my period so...they told me to come over when I'm not because Amber "wants to make me scream". I felt so comfortable with them. They kept saying if I wasn't okay with something just say it. I was okay with everything, but I know that if I hadn't been okay with something it would have been easy to say so. They're just those kind of people.

We all went to bed upstairs in the big bed. I woke up at like 8:30 and hung out reading and chilling by myself. Slowly everyone got up and Amber took us home at like, 2. Miss Pink asked me if I felt weird fucking Amber with a dildo. In case you're wondering, no not at all. I wish she had had a strap on, actually. I was surprised they didn't have more toys. She only had the dildo because she got it at this porn star convention. It's funner than I thought it would be. I thought it would be, okay you're fucking a girl, okay, but it's not like that, it's like, oh this is the coolest greatest thing ever. And going down on her, I thought it would be a lot harder. Or maybe it's just easy because as a girl I know what I like/would like for someone to do to me. A very cool night to say the least.

Josh still hasn't called. I wish boys wouldn't be so stupid. If you like someone just tell them. If you want someone's number, when you get it you should fucking call them. I realize I'm not one to talk, because I get so shy around people I like, but...that's not the point. Oh, Eric and Amber say that Chicago's queer. They say first of all no guy is an 11th grade virgin. And if they are, they're not a sexy bitch like Chicago, so he's gotta be gay. I disagree. *shrugs* I think he's just a really sexy cherry. I guess Nic still wants to be with me, he still likes me, he still thinks he has a chance. And it's like...ummm...I don't know. He told Vivi that he thinks I just need to be with some assholes right now and then I'll realize how much I want him and go to him. I told Vivi the truth, I can see myself being with him some time in the future. I can. I can see myself being able to be with him, I can see myself liking him, y'know, whatever. But right now I don't want to be with him at all.

I'm listening to to goo goo dolls, Iris, acoustic. This song makes me cry. I'm crying right now. Just to know that someone wrote that, that someone felt that way about someone. That you can have feelings that strong and turn them into this beautiful beautiful song. I suppose I'm singing that song, the song is me. I'm just looking for someone to feel that way. "I'd give up forever to touch you, because I know that you feel me somehow, you're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be and I don't want to go home right now. All I can taste is this moment, all I can breathe is this life, when sooner or later it's over, I just don't want to miss you tonight. And I don't want the world to see me, cuz I don't think that they'd understand, when everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am. You can't fight the tears that ain't coming, or the moment of truth in the lies. When everything feels like the movies, yeah you bleed just to know you're alive. "

I wish I could understand people more, I wish I could understand myself more. I wish that I could understand why Julio thought that I was so pretty he had to get my number. I want to know why he fell in love with me almost instantly, just in love with me, infatuated with me, he thought that I was absolutely perfect. How did that happen? How is it that Nic thinks I'm a good person? Why does he think that more people like me than I know? That more guys *like* me than I'd ever guess? In short, why do people like me so much? What do they see that I don't see? Vivi says that I'm different, that I'm "classic". Julio says that I'm like a poem and everyone just sees and interprets it the way they want to, but it's all true, it's all about me. I really don't get it.

But, I don't want to make this into a sad rant about how much I dislike myself. I really love my graph paper journal. I'm not going to decorate it in my usual way. Right now I'm just writing down statements in thick block letters. Statements that I want to be true. Statements that describe this part of my life. Inside jokes to make me smile. Just...anything. Anything to describe me. So far it says:
*I kiss girls. I kiss boys.
*I want you to kiss me. Right now. Nothing to lose.
*I can be in a relationship (without being treated like sit)
* living the blog life
*i am in a peanut butter cuppy kind of mood!
*no moe cutting
*cake moosh or girl moosh? which is better?
*I'm okay now
*let me dance

I hope it turns out all badass when it's done. I think it will, my notebooks usually do. Pixie

Friday, January 18, 2002

Kiss Me. Now.

I got woken up this morning at 6:10 by my alarm clock, just like every day. Then, at 6:30 my dad's all like, aren't you ready? Aren't you ready we gotta go! I'm like, it's 6:30, we never leave my house before 6:50. But, I guess my brother overslept. So I hurry up and get dressed in record time only to find out that they're gone. Blah. So, I wait fifteen minutes for my mom to finish getting ready so she can take me to school.

On both breaks I was just lying on the stage or the ground, not feeling well. Classes sucked but, it was okay because they were shorter because of an assembly. Bob didn't come to school so Vivi and me and everyone were jsut lying on the stage, but eventually we decided to go to Blueberry Hill with everyone. So, Marcio, Char, Vivi, Nic, Chicago and I head down to Blueberry Hill. It was really sad and depressing and quiet until we started talking about sex and oh my, some stories some people have.

Went back just in time to be royally late for the Company Player's meeting, but Chicago changed his short so I suppose it wasn't all bad. Afterwards we were just hanging out. AJ's been being really cool to me lately, rubbing my back and playing with my hair and stuff. Marcio thinks that I like him, but I just like to lick his sexy new Docs.

Hmmm...I'm sure something interesting happened. Oh, I don't know. It's all good, I guess. I'm going to go to Miss Pink's house right now. I've been ordered to wear something that isn't all baggy and shiznit in case we go out. We probably won't, but you know how it goes. Adios. Pixie

Thursday, January 17, 2002

No Place Like Cool

Gah, I thought that I'd be able to give you a month without me bitching about my period. My period came surprisingly when I expected it to. Ever since that first time in fifth grade it has been beyond sporadic. So, the fact that I was expecting it around now is creepy. I thought, I have had no cramps, my back doesn't even hurt, my bloggers will be so dissapointed that they don't get my growl piss moan of the month. Slowly but surely I'm cramping up and my back hurts. Ugh. Talked to Vivi tonight, alternating between my phone and my brother's cell phone because his girlfriend kept calling.

She told me all about her gay Hercules presentation. I had totally forgotten she was doing it (although I did help her get ready, mostly by giving her yummy smelling lotion as I cried tears of frustration) until we hit Burger King, at which point I gave Marcio, S, and Robert my own interpretation of gay hercules :) So, we just chatted tons. She told me about her first time going to new york city, and I told her about my first time going to new york city and we talked about how we didn't really have a place. Truman capote and marilyn monroe and all that gang had nyc with '21' and studio 54. The 80s had Seattle, the beatniks had san francisco, picasso had spain. We have nothing. So, we conteplated what our place could be and decided it's definetly not Vegas. It's just not cool enough here. We've got Roma's and our next coolest place is Blueberry Hill. So...we're thinking Boston. But she loves new york. I told her the best thing about boston is that it's so close to new york.

I don't know, we were just cracking up forever and talking and it was super cool because it's been a while since I've had that kind of talk with someone. And she has the same feelings about NYC that I do. We both agree that manhatten is grimy. The village is always the most ideal place, of course. And it just has this quality of hey, it's fucking new york. Which is why it's so awesome.

So, it was a really cool chat. I want to sketch but I'm so tired. Maybe I'll bring my sketchbook to school, but then it's awkward because if you start to sketch in class people want to see your work and stuff. I wish I had kept all my old stuff. All I have now is...umm...two picasso's, a fairie, the begining of another fairie and a picture of Auden. Pixie
Mango Mango

Mango popsicle. Man, I wish I had a strawberry, but all we have is mango and tamarindo, and I don't want tamarindo right now. Unfortunatly, you can't tell the flavor of the popscicles unless you buy them, so it's always just a random draw. Fortunatly, I got mango. Damn the mexican market for not putting the flavor on the wrapper.

Today was really super cool. Chemistry was cool. My lab partner spoke. He said the basketball score of our school's last game. Hmmm, maybe he's human after all. Vivi looked so cute today wearing this headband. I wish I could wear a headband but I'm afraid that it'll look funny on me. I had my fabulous Holly Golightly sunglasses though, so I was feeling good. Oh, and Vivi gave me my "wanted" sign. Heehee. We decided that I could use it as my bookmark on the bus, Josh would see it, grab it, and laugh. Take a number, it would be perfect. Unfortunatly, he wasn't on the bus today, but, that's for later. My grade in Spanish went up to a 36%, oh joy. Second break I started to cry because it makes me so angry that the counselor hasn't seen me yet. The semester ends Tuesday and we don't have school on Monday! I'll just go and wait their every break till then because I need to talk to my counselor. They must listen to me! Grrr grrr.

S was wanting to go to lunch, so I said okay and off we go. She gave me a schedule in case someone stopped us. This intimidating looking guy raised his eyebrows at me and asked me where I was going. "Lunch...." I say "I'm, I'm going to lunch, see, I have a few hour right now" I stumble like a freshman, showing him the schedule. He says "I'm Taylor's dad". *rolls eyes*. Then why the fuck did you ask me where I was going? Well, Robert, S, Marcio and I had a good laugh about it at least. Whew. We go to burger king and S ate four tacos. Four! We go to S's house and Robert wants to talk to me.

He's like, la de da, what's up with us, why don't you ever talk to me. And I'm like, I don't see you at school, you're busy after school but you don't talk on the phone anyway, the only time I see you is if I go to Rocky. And he's like, blah blah, you know I'm not social you have to come find me. I'm like, fuck that Robert. It's like chasing something that's always running away. You get tired of chasing it after a while. And he's like...hmm...I feel like I'm waiting for something, I don't know what, and that's all I ever do. And I'm like, that's fine y'know, wait all you want for whatever you think is coming because I'm not waiting anymore.

We crowded around S's amazing sound system and listened to some kick ass shiznit. She's got an awesome sound system, it was great. Finally we head back. Stop by Robert's place so he can get his phone, she drops me off at school. We go the wrong way in the parking lot, *laughs* Good times. I head for my bus. It's really full already, I sit next to Bree, this pink-haired girl in my PE class. Jessica sits behind us (Josh's sister). She taps my shoulder. Yeesss? She's like, can I get your number? because my brother likes you and he wanted to get it today but he didn't come to school. I scribble it down for her. She is amazingly pretty, she really is. I bust out my book, her and Bree talk about stuff.

Here I am. Dude, my dad keeps closing my curtains. Every morning I leave my curtains open, and every day he closes them. I have a plant! I need sunlight in my goddamn room. It also bugs me because it means he goes in my room and I'm not down with that. I'll talk to him about it. We were going to go to Barnes and Noble tomorrow (and to the mall. He says I need a new sweater so I don't wear the same one every day *laughs*), but there's a company player's meeting, so I can't. How stupid is that, it's an assembly day. I hope we do it right after school let's out, or Ms. F better let us stay in the theatre because, well, grrr. Pixie
I just rememberd that I got pissed at my guitar today. I was trying to change the strings, right? And the first time I'm like, la de da, changing strings, right? Well, the first string was too short, but not unbearably short. So I keep going. The third string is unbearably short. Bleh. So, I start over again. This time I just do a sucky job on the first string and the fourth string fucks up too. So I just left it with the fourth string gone. I just go pissed and left. *rolls eyes* I've gone through two packs of strings in one day. Fuckin' a, y'know? Jesus. Well, I'm going to go and try to change more strings. Grrr.

So much sleep lately. I fell asleep at like, four on the couch. At some point my bitched at me to get up and I said no and she bitched at me to get off the couch then, so I went to my room and immediatly fell back to sleep. Yuck. My family and I joke about this but it's really not funny. I *always* end up on the same schedule whether I want to or not. Just by accident or by staying up too much too often or by something. But, apparently my granddad was a really big night owl when he was alive, so maybe it's genetic or something. Ha, I bet my mom can't wait to hear that, "your daughter is just like your father." She always says how we're both smart and we're both so fucked up. Or rather, I am fucked up and he was fucked up.

Sorry, I didn't mean to make this sad. Valley Of The Dolls was a really good book, but the ending wasn't tangible for me. Did she end up like everyone else? Did she just keep on trying to kill herself or what? I will say though, it's a good lesson on love. A damn good lesson. Even if it is just a silly little book about three fucked up girls. Well then.

Did I mention that Josh plays the guitar? Yup. A year and a half. I talked to Vivi a lot about it, and we decided that I should give him my number tomorrow. If we end up sitting by each other again. Friday I won't be taking the bus because my dad is picking me up to take me to Barnes and Noble. It's sorta weird when people offer me rides and I say no thanks I'll take the bus. So maybe I'm a freak. But, he's cute, and nice, and from my short conversation with him (but, considering that I don't get home until 2 and he's the bus stop right before me I guess it's not *that* short) he's pretty badass. And, he is none of my friend's exboyfriends. And no one else has a crush on him, because no one else knows him. He lives by me, which is always a plus, and he's a Taurus (which can be good or it can be bad).

You people need to update more, amuse me when it's 1 am and I'm wide awake. Fuck, I need to buy some Benadryl or Niquil. But I haven't got any money. If I could just get sick then I could get my parents to buy it for me, but then it won't be *mine*. Well, on Monday I'll take a trip to Wal-Mart. I've decided to start getting a magazine a week and save up till I have a big stack. Then I'll make my guitar case into a huge decoupage. It'll be great. With my letters from Delias, cute graphics from Alloy, and a big stack of magazines I can make it so badass.

Why aren't there any magazines dedicated to old-school pinups? That is my question to you my friend. I want pinups and I want oldschool and they're *easy* to get on the net. But since my printer sucks...I need a pinup magazine. Hmmm, maybe I'll start one myself. I'm going to stop babbling in here, go babble in my graph paper book, and then play my guitar!Pixie

Wednesday, January 16, 2002

Cute Bus Boy

Well, today was the day for me to meet cute bus boy, aka: Josh. But, first, let me chat a bit. I did go to bed today, very late though. Woke up late, but nothing would stop me from wearing something really cool for cute bus boy to see me in. Get to school late, put all my shiznit in Paco's locker because I had a lot of shiznit (my vans for PE, two binders and a book, yuck!). Go to world de da, world history. Valley Of the Dolls is a really good book, I'm so hooked. Go upstairs early on first break in order to get my geometry stuff out of Paco's locker. For the life of me I can't remember the locker combination. I try everything and I'm late, so, ugh, go to geometry. We had a test, I thought I would do shitty on it but I bet I got like, an A or B on it. I was shocked too, I know :) Second break, try Paco's locker some more, grrr! Not working. Run downstairs, get the combo from Paco, run upstairs and get the stuff I need. Go back downstairs. PE sucked. Cindi was absent, and she's my sole friend in that class. Had a test. Did okay. Walked for a half hour with Kelley (her one friend was absent too, and I sorta knew her in middle school). I told her all of my best recent stories and she's like, oh my gosh you're so crazy. Hehe. La de da, get changed, head for the bus, I'm running late so I know I'll never get a seat by myself but hope maybe I'll at least get to sit next to Cute Bus Boy.

Walk on the bus, there he is, sitting by himself. So, I plop myself down and shoot him a smile. Rearrange my stuff (it's hard to read on a bus with your backpack and la de da, if you ever had to ride a school bus you know how it is), and finally reach my favorite position (he happened to be in the same one, so y'know). Only school-bus veterans will understand this. You slouch down and put your knees up so they're pressing against the back of the seat in front of you. Perfection. Bust out my book. Cute Bus Boy (who's name is Josh, which I already knew, but he didn't know I knew, so...y'know) says "I like your outfit. Actually, it's really cool" or something to that extent. My boots...fishnet thigh highs, knee-length black skirt, black tanktop with a zipper across the chest and fishnet shirt. I mentally give myself badass points and start to read. It's usually what I do on the bus, if only to avoid having to look at other people. Cute Bus Boy is the same boy from this: "This little kid was like "do you like to read for fun?" and I was like yeah...he was like, ahh! As if it's some horrible disease. He asked me what the book is about. It's really about a guy who feels dead inside, but, I didn't think he'd think that was cool. So I told him it was about a guy who killed people and took their money. Well, that's how the book starts so why not. He showed me his tag, which he's so proud of. "see, white boys can tag." It was actually pretty good, but I just laughed." So, we talked about my book for a little while and I admitted to being a nerd and he's like, reading's not nerdy. I noticed his nails (they were colorfied) so I asked to see 'em but he hid his hands and was like "they're purple and I'm not gay". Turns out purple is his favorite color. He also has a labret, he lives with his mom who has cancer, he started riding my bus because he used to go to El Dorado but got caught with pot and got suspended, so he moved out of his dad's place and into his mom's. He's a sophmore, not a junior. He's also got his left nipple pierced (he had 'em both done but at some punk show he wasn't wearing a shirt and the right one was like, almost ripped out so he just took it out). His birthday is April 14 (taurus) which makes him almost a month younger than me. He's pretty bad ass and still quite cute.

About his hair. It turns out he did bleach it and then dye the tips black. Pain in the ass. But it looks badass., this is interesting indeed. We'll put him on the "maybe" list. I should call Vivi and tell her. She didn't come to school today so I should call anyway. Pixie

Tuesday, January 15, 2002

Smoking In The Dark

There is something so calming, so soothing.
Slip on my ballet slippers, ease open my window.
Grab a cigarette - classic Marlboro and my
Pink leapord print lighter. Home made.
Sit outside cross legged. Smoke. So silent outside.
Every now and then the wind rustles
Leaves over the rocks in the alley.
Cool calm. Look at Venus. Smoke until the end.
Watch the amber glow of the butt
Until it is no more. Slip back inside.
1/14/02 11:35pm
No on is alive except for me
As I smoke my cigarette

I'm really liking the graphing paper journal. I see why that beautiful girl used it. So much room for creativity. I don't want to go to sleep tonight. So, I've been thinking lately. Must get job. Must have good grades for job. So, good grades are in my future. Then I'll get my job. Then I'll work my ass off all that I can and keep my good grades, saving every dime I make (I think I'll give myself 15% of my paychecks as fun money). Must get emancipated. I think about it a lot. I know you think I fogot. I haven't. I know where my future lies and it does not lie living at home. My future lies going to school, going home to my cheap apartment in the ghetto and doing homework. Then I'll sleep or go to work, depending on what hours I want to keep. My future involves working as many hours as I can spare. My future does not involve a lot of free time. My future is being free, being away from home. Lately it's been pretty good at home, actually, but I still think about how I want out. About how I will get out. My future involves bus passes and paychecks. This is the future that I desire and nothing will stand in my way.

Emancipate. To free from restraint, control, or the power of another. To be free from my parents. To work my ass off. To be able to live my life as I want. A studio apartment, my guitar, my amp, my clothes, my sketchbook, pencil, and journals. My books. A sleeping bag, a pillow. A bus pass, a bus map. A library card (in order to use the internet, of course). That's all I need in my future, that's all I want, all I desire. At the soonest I can get it this August. At the latest in a year. I will finally be free, and that is all I need.

Freedom. I think about it, I dream about it, I taste it. I do the math for it. But I am patient. I will not leave too soon, before I have enough money. But I will leave, and that is all that is important to me. Buenos noches my friends. I don't think I'll go to sleep tonight. Too much coffee and cigarettes and a good book waiting for me. Creativity calling me. My calculator is calling me too. Freedom at last. People always talk about freedom. Freedom from this, freedom for that. They make plans for it. I will actually do it or I will die trying. I will not stay here until I am 18. No. This life was never meant for me. I will get what I want. May you get what you want to. But don't forget to clix me :) Pixie
Wanted: A Hottie For Brittany

La de da. School was okay. My lab partner has showed no signs of life yet, even though we did a lab today. Hmmm. English was okay. I hurried to my bus after school to get a good seat and look at cute labret boy. He came on the bus and sat on the other side, one seat ahead. I could see him in the mirror. The look of triumph on his face that he would get to sit alone. And then this really annoying overweight kid sat next to him. He looked pissed and angry the whole ride. La de da. After school I went to Miss Pink's house to do homework. We convinced her friend, John, cute boy who lost my sweatshirt in his car, to take us to the bakery. He can't find my sweatshirt, but he's pretty cute.

I told Miss Pink about the guy on my bus. She made a few calls, his name is Josh, he's a junior, his older sister is Jessica, the girl that looks like Weetzie Bat with short, bleach blonde hair. She's a senior. I don't know how she does it. Hmmm.

Came home, talked to Vivi on the phone. We made a lookin'-for-a-boyfriend list and realized how pathetic the guys we know are. Every single guy we know (with the exception of three) ended up on the "no" part of the list. Three ended up as "maybe's", two of which are freshman, the third is Chicago. Gee, we're great. So, she's like, hey, I'll make you a wanted sign. So, it says "wanted, hottie for brittany". It also says that they must not buy me things, must be a phone person, must be a night person, must not mind smoking, must be ready and willing ;), and...I think that's it. She says she's going to put little phone number tabs on it and hang it up on the theater wall. *laughs* If she does it it'll be so badass, lol.

That's that, la de da. I'm giong to la de da. I'm singing at the top of my lungs and looking at guitar tabs. Pixie

Monday, January 14, 2002

If I Wrote A Zine

I would talk about:
*the stigma and presumptions about being a bisexual teenage girl
*the way that some girls just make people fall in love with them and no one understands
*how to shoplift (and not get caught!)
*the best books that I read
*sex education a la scarleteen that was not abstinence-based, gender or sexual orientation exclusive
*how to sneak out of your house
*how to lie
*how to get away with being drunk at school
*how to ditch class
*my poems
*why an abortion may be the best option, despite your religion
*why organized religion worshipping a single diety may not be the best option
*why teachers and schools and parents and the media view teenagers all wrong

But because I don't write a zine, I put it all here. And there are a few things on that list I want to talk about right now. Miss Pink came over and I wrote her the answers to questions and explanations so she can discuss them in class tomorrow (for the book Breakfast At Tiffany's). Then I went to her house and typed up and printed my report, which is a grand total of thirteen pages. I met her latest boi and talked to the guy who had my sweatshirt in his car. He promised to look for it.

Fairie Chick came over today to give me the monologue, and I talked to her at various points throughout the night about the report, and got sidetracked a bit. I must admit, I do miss being her friend. But as I told Jessy (also had a nice chat with her. She's like, out of the loop and she's like, well, Fairie Chick and I have always been closer to each other than we ever were to her and she wants us to be friends if we can be), I can't do it. I can't do it. I started to cry because it's just too much to handle sometimes. But I have to question our entire friendship, y'know? Does she always enjoy seeing me cry? Does she always think that my tears are unjustified? I just...I question our everything we ever had together. I can't trust her when I've been inside her mind and heard the things she really thinks about me. And if those weren't the truth, how do I know the rest wasn't the truth? I don't.

Blah. So...anyways. I was talking to Vivi today and explaining to her why I won't be in any more relationships for a while, and she's like, "pixie, why is it that guys fall in love with you so much? i mean, not to say that they shouldn't, but why do they?" We contemplated this, not because I'm concieted or because she thinks they shouldn't, but because we really are curious. In the past three months more guys have fallen in love with me, or truly, sincerly believed they were in love with me, than I think most gurls get in a few years. Vivi agrees. We contemplated, and I'm not really sure why. She says it's because I'm different, and I'm "classic", and just the way I dress and act and everything shows that I'm "classic" too. Not sure what that means, but she seemed satisfied with the answer.

Tomorrow morning I'm going to the corner store to buy her some peanut butter cup ice cream. It will be yum yum. She had better get there on flippin time! Pixie

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No One Should Brave The Underworld Alone

Well, today and last night were quite informative. I've decided not to persue any relationships. As Julio says, I'm a hearbreaker. I hurt people without meaning to, and isn't that the irony of it all? He's right. That's what I do, so isn't it better to just stay away from relationships? I mean, somehow people fall in love with me more than the average person. I don't know why, but that's how it is. Therefore, I have a chance to hurt more people. And that's what I do, right? Hurt people. At least, whenever there's any kind of romance involved. Which is a damn shame because Monte seemed so nice. The good news is, however, Jenabe came up to me today and was like, "I heard you went out with Monte _____." I told her that he drove me home and silently wondered how the fuck did she know that, it happened on Saturday! So, she was like, stay away from him! He's a psycho, he's crazy, I'm not kidding stay away, ask any of his ex's. Well, when you put it like that...the fact that a: it's got around to her so quickly and b: she would take the time to tell me when I hardly talk to her, well, I'm heeding her advice. It figures that the person I see as being a perfectly nice guy is really a psycho. What kind of shit luck do I have?

Also, Jah Love came up to talk to me. I guess Nic still likes me and wants to be with me and Jah Love is the messanger. I told him the truth: I don't want to be in a relationship right now. Well, I do, but I won't. He also wanted to talk to me about Fairie Chick. I guess she was just crying on his shoulder. He said I should talk to her and listen to her. I will talk to her, and I'll listen to and consider everything she says. However, I don't want to be her friend. In her blog she wrote this big thing about how she loves me and she's so sorry and just worried about me. No! I will not have the friendship with her that I had with Sperm Girl. I put up with Sperm Girl and her shit for almost a decade (we were best friends from 3rd to 9th grade, although she didn't start being a horrible bitch until middle school). I won't make that mistake again. You don't love someone and say all the hurtful things she said about me. A long time ago I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't ever give a guy/girl a chance if they made me cry, because they'd only make me cry again. I'm putting the same thing to my friendships now. And to say that she enjoyed seeing me cry and how unjustified my tears are? How I never have a real reason to cry? No! I've cried to her about almost everything in my life. Everything that's ever happened to me I've probably cried to her about. Did she enjoy my tears all those times too? That's not love, that's her making me feel like shit. I have enough people in my life making me feel like shit, including myself, to need any more unnecessarily. No! She told me to stand up for myself, for once I finally am. I will not be her friend again, not after this.

After school I took the bus home. There is this really cute guy on it, he's got the prettiest eyes. They're like, brown around the iris and green/blue (???) the rest. Really beautiful. Hmmm...maybe I'll hit on him. We'll see. I got this book, Valley Of The Dolls, from Cindi in PE. It's pretty good so far. Fairie Chick finished the monologue, but it's only three and a half pages and a font size bigger than it's allowed to be. Great. My paper, without the monologue, is five pages! Whatever. And she forgot it at home so Jessica is going to her house, putting it on a disk, e-mailing it to me. Where I'll add it to my paper and e-mail my paper to her because my printer isn't working. Blah.

I went to Wal-Mart and got myself a plant (an african violet) and a graphing notebook for my new notebook. I just don't want to write in my old one anymore. *sigh* I had chinese food for breakfast, breadsticks and a cherry coke for lunch, and chinese food when I came home. Now I'm eating peanut butter cup ice cream. Dude, last night I fell asleep at 9pm! I got nine and a half hours of sleep, can you believe it!? Craziness. I feel so lazy and lethargic. The good news is that all I actually have to do is print out my english and find out the spanish homework. La de da. I'm going now. Adios. Pixie

Sunday, January 13, 2002

How's My Favorite Third Rate Thug?

Last night was great. Sorta. First Vivi and I were going to go to Rocky. But then Vivi wanted to go to Shane's house to hang out with Bob, and it wasn't on the top of my list of things to do but I was cool with it. But...what was on the top of my list was hanging out with Monte. He called me but I was unavailable (aka: I was plucking my eyebrows), so I called him back, and it was so cute. He was just like, y'know, I really liked hanging out with you and I was wondering if you wanted to, uhh, go eat or something tomorrow. That's a problem for me, as all of you know, because I can't go out in the day time. So, I told him I had a big report I had to work on but did he want to go out for coffee or something that night?

Lesson Number 1: Never leave messages with my brother.

He had to go, but said he'd call me later telling me whether or not he could go. La de da. My brother's on the phone with his girlfriend. La de da. My brother comes in my room and he's like "Your new friend Monte called and said that he couldn't see you tonight, but he'd call you later." *smacks hand to forehead*. Ugh. But, no harm done.

So, I call Vivi again and we work on her plans. The problem is that neither her nor Shane want to call Bob. I offer to call him, and she's like no no. I tell her I gotta go I'll call her back. I call Bob, he just left to go to Josh's house. Hmmm. I call Vivi and get Josh's number (under the pretense of wanting Korn's number), and turns out that they're filming. I talk to Nic and he's like, want to be our hoes? Okay. I call Vivi and tell her the plan. We spend about half an hour figuring out which busses we're going to take and how she's going to lie to our parents and this and that. We call them back and they're like, that's not going to work at all you need to be here sooner. Grrr. We make a new plan and a new bus route and call them back. Nic then finally realize that there are *three* people there with cars that drive that could fucking come pick us up. Thank god. So, we arrange that.

I sneak out of my house. My "hoe outfit" was my new cherry red shorts, the big fishnet tights, boots, and black tanktop. But I put on a sweater and a black skirt (it's late night Vegas. You just don't go walking around looking like a hoe because you *will* get stopped and asked for prices. Trust me.) I get there, I meet Vivi's mom and throw a few lies/lines to Vivi to get her mom to think we're telling the truth, off her mom goes. I call Josh's house to tell them to send the ride, and Biscuit answers! Talk about unexpected. He says they already leave. What good planning we have.

We only wait in the cold for a few minutes, and here they arrive. It's Chris, someone I remember from last year but never actually knew, and Holly, some girl I've never met nor heard of. La de da, get to Josh's house. And Jah Love is there. My god it's like a party for Pixie's ex's. Jesus. So, Josh, Bob, Chris, Holly, Vivi, Biscuit, me, and Jah Love are there. We go to the "pimp room" (which is sort of awkward because Josh is mormon, and there's a painting of Jesus Christ hugging someone, and Jesus was looking at us as we filmed this pimp film). I take off my skirt when no one's looking. It seems that everone looked back at me at the same time and they were like "whoa". *laughs* So I still have a few surprises in me left. Nic gets into his costume, which is a red robe, black wifebeater, tiger print boxer shorts, black socks, leopard print slippers, and this ridiculous hat/wig and sunglasses. Oh my god, he looked so funny! It was great.

Vivi puts on a faux fur coat and we situate ourselves as hoes on the couch next to Nic. Bob sits on a chair next to us painting his nails (he's supposed to be gay), and we film. Nic is speaking with this...I don't know, british accent or something. Hard not to laugh. We finish, Chris and Holly leave. I'm just hanging out talking to Josh because he's really great. Eating some cinamon toast crunch (which Biscuit kept stealing from my bowl) when Biscuit asks if he can talk to me outside. Okay...Biscuit gives me a jacket because "it's pretty cold out there" and off we go. Jah Love and Nic are outside. Awkward.

Joe is like, "why?" And I'm like, why what? And Jah Love is like, why? And I'm like what the fuck are you talking about!? And finally they're like, umm...well...we heard that and Robert were locked in a room, were...uh...having sex. I laughed. Okay. Yeah that's true, I have had sex with Robert. And they're like why. They procede to point out all the flaws in Robert. Everything he's ever said or done or wanted to do and all the ways that he is absolutely wrong and bad for me. By now Nic's left because he didn't want to be outside or whatever. And I'm just don't know! I don't know why I don't know.

Then they asked me a few questions about Nic, which I answered, and Jah Love is like, okay can I talk to you in private? Sure. So, we go and sit on his car and smoke and we talk a little bit about Fairie Chick. He wanted to know what was up with us now. I told him the latest, and we just talked, which was really great because we haven't talked in such a long time. He told me about Athena (his current girlfriend) and how there's nothing wrong with her and how she's so great. At first I was like, ehhh, why are you telling me this? But then I was like, duh, because he's happy and that is great. So we just talked a lot. He asked me how I was. We eventually got back to Robert and he's pointing out how Robert hurt me and this and that.

And I'm like..."In this book I once read (the perks of being a wallflower), this kid sees his older sister, whose a big feminist, get hit by her boyfriend. And she stays with him and acts like it's all okay. He asks this teacher about it - as he's really close to him - and his teacher said 'you accept the love you think you deserve'". That was my explanation. You know, it was like, Robert had no expectations for me. He cared a lot about me, I believe. He cared about me hurting myself, he cared about me not being hurt, but when it came down to it he didn't think enough about his actions to make a point of not hurting me. So there. I said to Jah Love, because it's just easiest for him to understand that way "I needed someone to treat me like shit, and he did that for me." It's more complicated than that, but, I'm done sleeping with Robert. Jah Love told me that I deserved so much better than that, because I'm such a better person that that, which was like, taking a great amount of weight off my shoulders, because I've been worried about that lately because of all that Fairie Chick's said. Actually, later on everyone was like, you're a really good person. I guess I just needed the reassurance. (having sex with Robert, if anyone was worried, was always entirely safe, sane, and consensual, as all my sex practices are. Safe safe safe! Condoms condoms condoms! If you say "he came on my tummy" that doesn't mean that he wasn't wearing a condom.)

Biscuit came out and told us that Josh was getting pissed that we were at his house and not inside talking, and we're like, tell him that we're smoking (because we were) and we don't want to smoke in his house (because we didn't). We go inside and I'm like, sorry Josh we didn't want to smoke in your house, and he's like, it's cool, it's cool. See, Biscuit over here was saying that you were talking about cereal, as in, your subject matter was tame. And I said, my friend, cereal isn't tame, cereal is fucking hardcore. So, I was feeling left out. We told him we were just talking about Fairie Chick and Josh was like, what's going on with that? I explained to him the latest and he's like, that's not tame! This is serious! And Biscuit's like yeah whatever.

So we sat around being funny for a while, and finally Jah Love left, taking Nic with him. Vivi and I decided that we were going to walk to Harmon, take the Harmon bus to Pecos and Pecos to Denny's because she wanted some pie. And Biscuit said he couldn't drive us (that bastard!) because he was taking Bob home. But then he's like, we're far away from Harmon. Well...hmm...he said he'd drive us to Harmon and we're like, we gotta go soon because the Harmon bus comes at 12:10, and he's like, let me play my video games! I'll take you to Denny's, sheesh. So we went back into the pimp room and watched Biscuit play video games.

I kept switching which hoe couch I was sitting on and eventually settled in next to Vivi. I curled my boots up, she curled up next to me, I fell asleep. I woke up because Biscuit was making snoring noises. I don't snore! I swear I don't. Finally we adiosed Josh, went outside, there was a domestic disturbance, we went inside. We ran back outside. We took Bob home. Biscuit drove us to denny's. La de da, driving to denny's. Finally he's like, are ya'll going anywhere afterwards? Home, we declare. I was going to ask him if he wanted to come with us, but I said nooo...he wouldn't want that. A minute later he's like, can I come with? Of course, *laughs*.

So, we go to Denny's, and he's like, how much do you think a cup of coffe costs? And I'm like don't worry don't worry, we've got money. Because we did, and we rock. We go and sit down. Biscuit gets coffee and milk. Vivi gets pecan pie (warmed up with ice cream), a french vanilla capuccino, and french fries. I get a piece of apple pie (warmed up with ice cream) and hot chocolate. All this for twenty bucks my friend. We eat. Vivi started to cry because Bob was being an asshole and said like, three words to her all night. We told her how she's great, she's a catch and she's got after-sex hair (because she is, and she does) and we talked about cereal a bit (or, rather, tamer subject matter). Finally, at two AM Biscuit adioses. We watch him leave. He walks past his car. Biscuit we yell, what are you doing? Of course he can't hear us. He goes out to the intersection and stars running around with airplane arms. So we run outside and cheer him on :)

We sat around waiting for Vivi's parents, talked about Asshole Bob a little bit. And she was like, you're so great Brittany because like, with Heather it's all her wanting sympathy. If you want sympathy, it's not cool because she wants it too. But you're not like that.

Well then, that's cool. Her parents drop me off, I'm walking through my backyard, *mission impossible music* I notice there's a light coming from my brothers room and figure it's just his screen saver, because he wouldn't be up at 3am. Well, he is! eep. And this stupid dog across the street was barking, so I crawl past my brothers window and sneak into my room without a hitch.

Now, I'm going to write my english report and call Jessica to see if Fairie Chick did the monologue, because yesterday I was just too tired to do it. Pixie

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