Saturday, January 12, 2002


So...went to the cappy thing today. I was a bit late but nothing had started yet. Vivi and Marie (freshman girl that drives me nutso) were there. So was Julio. We went over lots of cappy stuff and played a get-to-know-you game. I've been keeping my eyes open for this kid named Monte. Because Kristen cappied with him and she told me how cool he was and how he's sort of like Cupcake and God rolled into one. I saw him in Honk! at LVA so, I've been keeping my eyes out for him. Well, I met him today in the get-to-know-you game. Blah blah blah, I spilled my coke right after they told us not to spill drinks and discretely picked it up. This lady came and told us how to write. Afterwards I helped to clean up and la de da, cleaning up. And I was teasing Monte, I forget what about. He was like, "you're in my way!" and we were just joking around. His notebook was on the table, he was in another room and there was a pencil so I was like, hmmm. I wrote a little note ("you were such a cute flyer guy!") and left my name and number. La de da, I go downstairs with Vivi and Marie and we're waiting and waiting. It was like, 3:20. I had told my mom to pick me up at 4:00. Vivi's waiting for her dad, they keep calling each other going "I'm in front of the theater" "well, I am too" and then she's like, "what school are you at?" Turns out he was at *our* school. Duh.

Oh, during all this confusion Monte left, and then he came back because he "forgot something" and ended up just hanging out with us. Vivi and Marie leave. The lady was there still, so was Monte. She joked about how she always ends up staying waiting for me. *groan* I call my mom, it's 4:20, she hasn't left yet. She was waiting for my call. *groan* I was like, fine, I'll get a ride with Monte. I apologized profusely to Monte but he was like, no no, it's cool, actually it's good because I wanted to talk to you more. So, we went through the adventure of trying to get to my house when I was lost and he didn't know my side of town at all. He's really super cool. He loves the beatles, he's a theater major and, from what I saw, a pretty good actor. He's also really sweet (always opening and closing my car door and door doors). Quite a cutie pie (although a shortie. I can't tell if he's shorter than me though because I was wearing my boots), and, he even took me to pick up my guitar because he's awesome.

He took me home, and we hugged, and I really really wanted to kiss him, but like...I didn't. was weird, because he went to hug me, and I went to kiss him, and it was just...weird. But cute. I don't know. He has really really pretty blue eyes. And brown, sort of redish hair. And he walked me to my mailbox and we hugged again. I hope he doesn't take this to mean that I'm not interested, because I am. Hmm...I hope he calls me.

When we were driving I was like, "why did you really come back?" and he's like...ehh...I wanted to see you. And I was like...okay. And he's like, "I just said I forgot something because I didn't want you to be like, why is he following me?" And I was like, "dude, I left my name and number in your book and called you cute!" and he's like, "I know, but guys always expect the worse."

So. He's really sweet and cool. I wanted to go to Rocky tonight and show off my new shorts. But Vivi is talking about going to Shane's, and I don't know. Hmmm...maybe Monte will call me and want me to do something with him. Pixie

Friday, January 11, 2002

La De Da was pretty good, I guess. I wore my dress with my boots and my tights with my thigh-highs (on my arms). Jessica has been putting holes and runs in my tights and thigh highs all day. Go to chemistry, we got new seats. I have a lab partner now, his name is Mitchell. In 8th grade I would have been ecstatic to be in this situation, because I had a mondo crush on him. Now I think it sucks. Mr. Chemistry was being sooo funny today, and he just sits there showing no emotion. I think he may not be human. Hmmm...I must look into this further. La de da. Went to spanish, got three tests back. I got a 96/200, 55/100, and 15/50. Go me. Fuck. We also took a quiz. I'm sure I got an A because...well..I did what I had to do. I'm going to go talk to my counselor and see if I can just get no credit for the class. I've already met the requirement for language, I don't need this, I'm getting out next semester anyway, but it's going to fuck up my GPA. I hope that I can arrange that...I already made an appointment with my counselor. Go me.

English was good. We're listening to Julius Ceaser and Jessy just puts holes and runs in my tights. It's so strange watching them run, almost like watching computer animation. Very badass. Fairie Chick was looking all pissy and I'm like, why does she look all pissy? I saw Anthony earlier and he seemed happy so they can't be fighting. So...hmm. I know it's not about me. If I'm such a stupid selfish bitch she wouldn't waste her time getting mad at me. I'm sure not wasting mine over her. After school Paco was going to give us, Giselle, and Lenis a ride home, but he said he'd take me to the mall (for the payment of five dollars) because my uncle lost his hat and wanted me to get him a new one. Giselle and Lenis didn't want to go home so I go to Hot Topic with Jessy, and the coolest girl was there. Ohhh...she was just so fucking cool dressing and you're just like, wheeee! I also got this like, vynal cherry red short shorts with zippers on them for only fifteen bucks, and a rainbow patch for only a dollar. Kickass. Jessy got some cool shiznit too. As we're being rung up, Paco, Giselle, and Lenis come in not looking too happy. Fuck. I guess Giselle called home and she got in trouble. Jessy was like, can I get my shoes? Because they were right next door at Journey's. She had to special order them and the store has had them for like, three weeks. But Giselle was like, no no, Paco's all pissed. So we go and catch up and I'm like, Paco, Paco I love you. Forgive me Paco I love you. And somehow it all came out about your shoes and he's like, okay, go get them we'll meet you out front.

In the shoe store everyone was looking at us weird. The guy there was like, that dress looks familiar...Hot Topic! I was like, oh yeah. And he's like, it's such a kickass dress, but I've never seen anyone actually wearing it before. I just smiled, we got the shoes and left. Look left for Paco. Look right for Paco. Look high and low for Paco. Stand up on a slab of cement and look for Paco. Fuckin' a. I was already going to be in trouble because I was supposed to call and tell my dad what my plans were and now Paco's fucking gone. Well, he appeared after a few minutes, thank god. And he takes me home. No one's hoem right now. I hope I hope that my dad didn't go looking for me. I know my parents aren't together because both cars are gone. And I'd hope that they wouldn't go looking for me seperatly because they're constantly bitching at me for getting home late. I always get home late, so it's not unusual. So I hope that my dad went to the store and my mom just hasn't gotten home from school yet, or something. *groan*


Thursday, January 10, 2002

I Hate You

As far as I'm concerned, I never want to talk to Fairie Chick again. I hate her and despise her and I'm sick of her and her shit. Today started off good. I went to the wrong classroom, but got to my real class in time. Went to a presentation about how we should get class rings. "Class rings are cool, you know you want one, everyone has them, class rings show your individuality". Right. The cost of a cheap class ring is the same annual income of the average family in Afghanistan. Jessica and I sat there going *cough cough* brainwashing! You can get little pictures on your class ring. Everything to a cross, a soccer ball, pheasant hunting, and a little car with "Lowriding" written underneath it. Nothing for gay pried. I'm going to e-mail them and complain.

Blah blah blah. I was feeling bad and my legs hurt. By the way, if you were wondering they will scar but not for a long time. Went to PE, got hit in the face with the ball, got hit in the tits with the ball, and this girl kicked my leg very badly. I limpingly played defense for a while. I wanted to go to the nurse, but I couldn't. Because the nurse would see my cuts and send me to the counselor who would call my parents. I don't need that right now. So I sucked it up.

After school I found Paco and he said he'd give Jessy a ride home, I told him Jessy needed to talk to our English teacher and he said cool, he'd talk to the cross country coach. We go to talk to our english teacher about our grades. La de da, oh look, our scores for the script and storyboard, 0s? Why would we have zeros? Let's ask. Ms. D, why do we have zeros? Oh, we didn't turn it in? Yes we did. Oh, we turned it in six weeks late? But didn't you say that you'd accept it? Oh, no? You actually told Fairie Chick that we'd get no points and no credit? Gee, thanks.

We went off to find Fairie Chick, she was no where to be found, but her director said I could be angry with her before rehersal, if she showed up. I went around, my anger stewing. Telling everyone who would listen about what she did. Finally, she appears. ENTER FAIRIE CHICK. It was a lot of yelling until I knew I'd start crying and I left. She feigned innocence and said that she didn't realize that the *whole* group would get zeros. No shit sherlock. She didn't understand. I told her that we got the zero's she earned us the same way she got the As I earned her. She was like, well, you're not failing because of me, because I have a C. Well, those grades could have been the difference between a D and a C. God. There was a lot of yelling, lots of cussing. Chicago dared to interrupt, he was just like "hey!?" If looks could kill Fairie Chick and I would have given him a horrible painful death. Everyone else remembers the whole Jah Love thing, they know not to interrupt.

So, I went off crying to the theater room. Marcio, Jah Love, God, Bree, Duck, and Vivi were there. Jah Love immediatly went to hug me and ask me what happened. I told him about how Fairie Chick had fucked up mine and Jessica's grade by not turning it in. She forgot to mention that she didn't turn it in until six weeks later, and then turned it in and forgot to mention that we got NO CREDIT FOR IT. He just held me and told me it was okay. God also hugged me which was sorta weird but really nice. I can't say that I ever hugged them before. The general consensus was that I had a right to be angry. And now, the monologue is not even done. That makes me angry too. The thing is, she knows, she knows damn well that if she said "hey Brittany" Or "hey Jessica, I have a lot of stress/I don't have time/ I have too much pressure/ I don't feel like doing it, can you do it?" She knows, she knows that we would have both done it. We would have both done it and we wouldn't have been angry about doing it.

Jessy and I decided that we should write our own monologue, because frankly I don't trust Fairie Chick to finish it, I just don't. And Jessy will start to memorize it just in case. I refuse to let her fuck up my grade any more. Then Josh and Nic came and I started talking to them. Josh is so cool. He said that Jessica and I were cool and the coolest dressers he knew :) Rock on. His Government class is doing the same project and he knows just what we're going through. Nic says he doesn't hate me and we talked today, wheee.

Fuck, why do I have to be so angry at everyone all the time? Well, my dad came and picked up Jessy and I. I'm so angry, I really am. Grrrr. And stupid dress. I wasn't going to where it for a week and a half after she did out of respect for her, now I don't give a dress. It's my dress and I love it and I'll where it when I damn well please. I'm tired of her, I'mt ired of her being a spoiled little girl. I'll always remember when she told Jah Love that her problems were worse than mine. And when she said I was just a copy of her, a replacement of her. I was telling Jessy about that today, she agreed it was out of line. I guess I had never told her that part of the story before. I think it sucks that Fairie Chick and I are no longer friends. It was a good friendship while it lasted, but I'm glad it's over, and I'm glad I'm not putting up with it.

I never broke off my friendships with Sperm Girl and Crystal because I was an idiot, and I was so glad when I did. They weren't good for me. Neither is Fairie Chick. She's not good for me. Okay, I don't hate her. I'm not really capable of hating someone. But I really dislike her and my thoughts for her are not warm and fuzzy. I'm sure I'll continue to wear the necklace she gave me, and I'll give her the part of her Christmas present that I have. It serves me no use and there isn't a point for her not to have it. I acquired twenty bucks, and I'm giving it to Jessy. I have it, she needs it, since I just randomly got it I'll give it to her. I'll still have like, sixty so it's okay.

Well, I'm adiosing. Fuck Fairie Chick. I have to say, while it does drive me crazy that people think of me as a child, and it drives me crazy that people think that I'm naive and don't know anything, when you're crying it's the best thing when people see you as being a little kid. It makes them hug you and hold you. Pixie
Seven More Slices

Seven more slices to my inner left calf and I'm finally done for the night. And I wrote a little something:

Ooh, look at me, I cut myself
Look at me little girl, didn't you say I'm just a replacement of you/
A carbon copy of you to take your place?
Then you must be just like me,
And I like you,
Although I, I am the more faded, the uglier one,
I always get the bad end of these deals I didn't agree to make.

Look at me when I cry, look at me!
Comfort me and stroke my hair,
Comfort me and hold me even when you want to kill me
Comfort me you bitch!
Why do I always have to do it?
Why me? Why must I have to hold back my anger to comfort you?
Why am I your Mab?
Why must I be your consoling Claire?

Right, little girl, I only put myself first, right? Right?!
What about the way you hurt Ant and Jah Love?
What about the way you fucked Jah Love while you were with Ant?
Once, that would have been okay,
Well, more okay anyway
Once is an accident, once is a mistake,
Once is an "I learned my lesson ,forgive me, I love you"
Thirty two times is an entire different ball game.

Let's talk more about hurting people.
How about the way you hurt Jah Love? THe boy you used to love?
The way you brough Ant to Jah Love's territory, his space,
And kissed, and hugged, and giggled, and sat on Ant's lap
As Jah Love sat in a corner with his music turned up

But it's not okay for me to put myself first some times?
For such a little girl, you are a mighty big hypocrite.

Hey, little girl, let's talk about love.
If you really loved Ant, you wouldn't have given hickies to three girls
If he had really loved you, he wouldn't have made out with Duck
If he really loved you I wouldn't have to sit there and ask the person sitting next to me
If they would please say something to Ant about if you were there,
Would he act the same way?
And the person would respond that Ant never gets to have fun around you
Because they were tired of seeing Ant be hurt by you
The way I was tired of seeing Jah Love be hurt by you

Oh, little girl, what have you done?
Little girl, if you had really loved Jah Love you wouldn't have hurt him
The way that you did, so obliviously
Where were you when he was crying?
Fucking Anthony, that's right.
And if you didn't love him, then why couldn't I have him?
You can't have your boyfriend and fuck your ex too
Little girl, look at my blood, look at me with my razor in my fingers,
Because I don't think you understand,
I want to make you understand
I want to make everyone understand
Because everyone sees me as this person I'm not
If they saw my scars would they see the real me?
If they saw my 113 scars with my seven open wounds on my left leg
And my 7x1 square inches of open wonds on my right
Then would they see me?
Would they start to cry the way Kristen did?
Or would they turn away their eyes
You are my sister of the day
And my sister of the night
And even you don't see me.
Will you ever understand?
Little girl, little girl,
Beautiful little girl,
WIll you ever understand?
No, you won't.
Blood And Pills

La de da di da, look at me, I'm a cutter. Oh yes my friends, I cut myself again. The outside of my right calf has "SELFISH BITCH" spanning down 7 inches long, an inch high. I also just took some pills. Hey, if Fairie Chick can try out my coping means why can't I try out hers? I only took six, because six is a nice, safe number. Or rather, it was safe in my minor-OCD period and I find myself looking to it for comfort often. Six six six. I'm not sure what they were, because it's dark in my kitchen and I didn't want to turn on the light.

In response to Fairie Chick's angry post, I have my answers.
*I wanted that dress since it first hit the shelves, ask Paco, he was with me many times as I lusted after it and he was with me many times when I tried it on
*You have the same shirt as me and Twin/Jessy, and I know that I got mine first out of the three of us, I'm not sure who got it first out of the two of you, so chill out
*You don't have to lie to me about doing the monologue. Hey, I know what it's like to have people bitching at me about my grades. I'll just remind you that it's *my* grade on the line for the monologue *you're* supposed to write, and I'll also remind you that when *your* grade was on the line I came through for you. Sixteen hours straight on the computer and I didn't go to sleep at all for you. And maybe I feel like I have to nag you because the last time you were in charge of something (turning in the storyboard and script), not only did you not turn it in, but you forgot to mention to Jessy and I that oops.
*I don't ignore you in school! The only time I ever see you is in English because you're always with Ant before school and on the breaks. I'm not bitching but that's where you are, how can I ignore you when you're never around?
*FUCK YOU. I do look down upon you for having unprotected sex, especially when condoms were right inside. Guess what? I've never had unprotected sex, EVER. Not with Robert, not with Jah Love, not with Leon. NEVER. So I don't know where you get off saying "and pulling out is not a form of protection" because I never had to. Why? I always use condoms! You're the one that's had to pull out, not me. Don't *even* get me started on that rant. I volunteered at scarleteen (the best sex education site on the net) for two years. I can't say I know a lot about the pill because I've never been on the pill. But on just about anything and everything else I will know ten times more than you. You wanted to get Trojan condoms, you didn't even know that they were more likely to break!
*Oooh, you cut too even though you knew it hurt everyone around you. And then you got pissed when I was showing concern and wanted you to stop because "I showed Pixie my scratch marks cause i knew she cut, and i hoped she would understand, but she just didnt want to hear anything about it and got mad at me" (straight from the blog), so don't even bitch at me now about my cutting.

Now, my turn to rant. Let's start with that boyfriend of yours, Ant is his name? Right. You love him, you want to marry him, you want to spend the rest of your life with him because he loves you too. I can't say that there was very much love between you two when you FUCKED Jah Love THIRTY TWO TIMES while you were STILL WITH ANTHONY. And, if I recall, you loved Jah Love, you had rings and even though it was corny and you thought it might not last, you still liked to think about maybe it would. And now, depending on your mood, he meant nothing to you, or he meant everything to you. If Anthony loved you so much then why was he making out with Duck? If you loved Anthony so much then why were you on that bed with Kristen, Bree and I? Gee, that sure sounds like the kind of relationship that lasts a lifetime to me, doesn't it to you? If you love Anthony and if he *really* loved you then why can't you be honest with him about your past?
*And on a little side rant, I thought that, as a chick with a lesbian mom you'd be a bit more openminded, instead of someone who says those lovely phrases such as "there is no such thing as a lipstick lesbian, they're just bisexual and in denial" and "she's a lesbian, she can't really have sex".

So, that's my little bitch. So, apparently since Jah Love I haven't been putting anyone else in front of me, I've been putting myself first. Well, maybe that's the way to live. I'm sorry, but my whole life I've been walked on, stepped over, and trampled, and if after fifteen years I finally want to put myself first then fuck it, I will. I will do whatever the fuck I want to. I have lived my life blaming myself, hating myself. I have lived my life backing off on *every* guy that a friend wanted when I wanted, even if I wanted them longer or if the guy had no interest in my friend. I have been fucked over not one, not two, but three times by my best girlfriends who made out with and jacked off the guy I loved and the guy I liked. I have always done all the work in group assignments. I have always been there when it came down to school shit and I did not say a word about it. I have blamed myself and hated myself for the entire portion of my life that I can remember, I started hurting myself when I was ten and I can't even remember why, I just remember needing to punish myself. I have grown up with a mom who resents me, is jealous of me, and thinks that I'm one of the most fucked up people she's ever met (considering she has a bipolar alchoholic sister, an abusive alchoholic dad, a gambling alchoholic crazy mom, that's saying a lot). I have a dad who "wouldn't lose any sleep if I killed myself" and I have a brother who wouldn't notice that I was gone except he would have no one to do him favors, do his chores when he wants to do something else, make him food, and go on food runs for him.

I was constantly hanging out with friends who made me feel like shit, and I let them. I have given up the few things I'm proud of because I either hated myself too much to do them (I shy away from things I'm good at. Or I burn and trash everything reminiscent of those things because I feel as if I don't deserve to be good at anything) or because I had to sacrifice something for someone and I sacrificed that.

I am continually being told I need to lose weight from my family members, and I never stop hearing about how when my mom was just a little bit older than me she was four inches taller, had DD's, and weighed twenty pounds less. I have told my mother that I loved her and had her look me in the eye and simply say "good night" in response. I can't remember the last time she touched me, or my dad. I have had her pushing me against the couch, cutting off my air supply by strangling me with two hands and with such hatred in her eyes that I thought she was going to kill me. I have been screaming and yelling and crying in my room with all my energy only to have my dad finally knock on the door, my mom tells him to go away, and he does. I have sat in a corner with my knees to my chest crying and coughing and cursing with my dad having a conversation with my uncle, laughing and talking as though I'm not there while my uncle tries to calm me down.

I have lied, cheated, and stolen to get almost everything I ever wanted or needed because I felt that was the only way I could get it at all.

So, excuse me for putting myself first. I fucking refuse to be unhappy because of other people, I do a damn good job of making myself unhappy on my own. Eep, now I see why she was always popping pills, but it makes you feel good and sick at the same time.

Wednesday, January 09, 2002

So, today was pretty good. Actually, very good. I wrote Brandon a letter yesterday in geometry and at the end I was like, I guess I'm good, because I'm alive for the first time. And for the first time, I really am. This morning my abuelos and Gama left. *sigh* I wish he had been here longer. My dad drove me to school, I wore my new dress (the one that Fairie Chick doesn't have) and my boots. My dad was saying how he wished he had spent more time with Gama and I felt sort of bad, because Gama was always with me, y'know? happens. Chemistry was cool. Our teacher was only there for a very short time, then our sub came so I could take off my sweater, lol. Thank god! It was cool. I just talked to Jordan, Vivi, and Tom all day. Tom was touching my back and stuff...hmm.... This guy, Pete, was sitting at my desk and he picked up my latest book (The Vagina Monologues. I totally recomend it to you). His eyes scanned the title and he instantly dropped it, it was too funny. Spanish was cool. We took a test that I probably got a D on, then I started writing a letter to my mom. Duck has it now, but I'll give it a permanent place on my homepage (which I need to work on) when I get it back. It's four pages long. I wrote it during the end of spanish, all of second break, and the begining of english. Mostly it's just me talking about my whole life and all the ways she's hurt me, and how I hate her and I hate myself for letting her get to me. There's a certain part I'll edit, because I don't feel comfortable talking about it on the internet, which is saying a lot because I say more here than I say in real life.'s something I've wondered and questioned my entire life, something that terrified and hurt me a lot. I'm slowly coming face to face with it, forcing myself to think about it. I told my friends about it, Fairie Chick, S, Duck, Marcio, Vivi...and I just try to think about it logically.

Someone was saying I should be more angry about it, that I always blame myself and don't get angry at other people. I can't help it. English was also spent touching Jessy and being touched. She stretched her back and I was like, omg you have boobs! She got a gel bra. After class I was like, Fairie Chick, show me your tits (she had this shirt that was all slit up, very cute) so she faces us. I turn Jessy sideways and point out her boobs, Fairie Chick immediatly says "you got a gel bra!". Robert (not mine, Gremlin Robert) was like, oh my gosh you guys are so open, it's weird. We just laught, I don't know, it's just how we are :)

My english teacher is so crazy. I would love to party with her, I think it'd be so fun. It's not like she's incredibly young, she has a son who goes to my school, and he's at least 16, but we watched a video of her trip to Australia, there was butterfly porn, some guys in a pub (she fast fowarded, lol), she said how she's going to have to pay for nights like new years and she's going to go to hell because of it.

After class I convinced Jessy to come with Paco, Giselle and I, since she didn't want to take the bus. We went to Taco Bell, which is becoming our usual haunt and it was so funny. I don't know, stuff is always really funny with any combo of the four of us :) And that's it, I suppose. Mmhm. I'm going to add more shiznit to my website. Get my two latest journal covers scanned, get some of my unfinished sketches scanned, add them to the art section. Put up a complete listing of all my poetry. The letter to my mom. More favorite books, my favorite movies, all that good stuff. It'll be great. I'm so egotistical sometimes. I guess what I really like is the whole, ooh, making a web page. And I have nothing better to make it on than me. I might make a fashion one soon, dedicated to the style of a Pixie, but I need more pics and acess to a scanner.

Oh, and by the way, if anyone wants to do a blog/journal link exchange I'd be happy to do that. You link to me, I link to you. If you've got a banner I'll stick it up, I've got one too. I want more publicity for my site, I'm not happy that my ratings haven't been climbing. Don't forget to clix me! (the link is at the bottom, it says "clix", please clix it. You can do it all your little heart desires, but not more than once an hour.



Okay, this is from my journal that I wrote Sunday night. I start school tomorrow. Uncool. So much siznit has happened. So, we went to Brian Head. The drive up was good becase we had Vegas radio almost the entire time. We stopped in St. George for breakfast for an hour. My parents didn't even mention that St. George was on the way. It makes me so pissed. I haven't seen Brandon since 8th grade and they couldn't mention we'd be in his town!? We get to Brian Head and Adrian missed is group lesson so my parents arrange for a private one. The babes and biscuits were so plentiful. It's like, a rule that you gotta be hot to go there. I decided that I wanted to snowboard after all, so I got some snow pants since we didn't bring any up for me. They set my parents back $115. Ask me if I care. I go get my rental board nad boots to save the time the enxt day, and I get signed up for a group lesson first thing Friday morning.

Go to the condo, make dinner, go to bed. (the next day my brother had washed a few dishes and my mom was like, oh, thank you, that's so considerate Did I get a thank you for making dinner? I washed all my dishes afterwards, had to wash all the dishes before I started because they were all dirty, and I served everyone. Nope, not one single appreciative word.) The next morning I'm totally a board babe, wearing my boy's snow pants, my thermals, tee, and beanie. I get there and get my boots changed, they were too small. The guys there arass me and tease me. I flirt right back and head to the designated spot. After a bit of confusion I end up in a group with an instructor named Lamen. I start off good, being the first person to go straight and turn and stuff, although I fall a lot I brush it off to being a beginer. Finally, we hit the slopes.I suck so badly. In the three times down the mountain I'd bet a lot of money that I fell more than sixty times. Ugh. The upside was that I couldn't get up on my own, so Lamen would come and help me up, every single time. He got cuter and cuter to me :) I had some really bad falls, I cried three times and each time Lamen would wipe away my tears. My first major fall I was going too fast and tried to stop, but went flying tits first into the snow instead :( Also managing to go face first, breaking my googles and making my beanie fly far far away. The breath was knocked out of me for like, five minutes. Ugh. I also managed to hurt my wrist and my knee and my ass and I just fell every way you could ever imagine falling.

Sadly, the lesson ended and I headed up to the lodge. I was hurtin'. I met Chef Steve, who took a billion times longer making my food than necessary to talk to me. He was pretty cool. I told him my sob story about falling so much and he was like, but dude, isn't it the greatest? Totally. I went down two more times with my mom later on (she was skiing), but I was just so weary of falling that I was going like a turtle in order to avoid any more major spills and hurts. I finally returned my board and boots, flirting with the guys there. As my family was leaving the lodge, there was this guy sitting on a bench totally looking at me. My first thought is he's a biscuit, my second thought is that he's checking me out or something because he's giving me the strangest look. Then he calls my name. I quickly scan my mind to figureout who he is. Then he says "lamen." Oh my gosh. He looked so different without a beanie! (in case you're wondering, he looks like he's a mexican/asian mix, with very dark tan skin, straight white teeth, these pretty brown eyes, and a head of messy black hair. He's pretty short though...probably my height, not much talle) I tell him about how I'm hurting and then we leave.

The next day is Saturday. Up again, bright and early. I told my dad that I felt like such a boy, wearing my boy pants, and my boyish thermals, and my boy's tee shirt with my boy's Vans tucked under the couch. He said that it's hard to look like a girl when you snowboard, but I manage to do it because I fall so much :/ Thanks dad, lol. I only went down once because I'm a loser. I told everyone that I went down four times and the last time on a fall I hurt my knee. Not an entire lie, I mean, my knee did hurt (they're both still bruised), I just didn't want my parents to bitch that they spent forty bucks for my lift pass and I only went down once. I *do* feel bad about that. I just hung out in the lodge, keeping my eyes open for Lamen, sitting at a table drinking some Vanilla Cream Soda (I thought it was a root beer). Adrian and Ryan came in, and they were like "you're drinking already? you must have fallen a lot". *smirks* The assholes are pretty good at boarding. Finally, I see Lamen, we talked for a while, flirting and stuff. I apologize for not recognizing him the day before and we laugh. Finally another instructor is like, "where's your group?" and he's like, I gotta go work. He playfully hits me with his gloves and off he goes. I sigh and walk around for another minute, then head back for my table. Dude, there his group of kids is waiting for h im to give them their lunches at the table right next to me. It's so cute to see guys playing with kids :) He's like "hey kids, this is Brittany, isn't she pretty? Brittany, these are my boys for the day" (to which the only two girls in the group promptly yelled out "hey!") We talked, but he kept getting pulled away to do job stuff, like heat up a cup o' noodle, or get drinks, or take some kiddos to the bathroom. But, it was really nice. I checked out his palm, and it said he had no stress. I stole his beanie and tried to convince him that he should let me keep it. He wasn't down with that :( Finally, he had to go to the other mountain :( We hugged. Twice. And he was like, dude, I wish I had a pen to get your number. I told him to check my file, but I don't know if he heard me or if he knew what I meant (my number is on the paper in my rental file). I'm thinking of calling the lodge and leaving my number as a message to him, but...I don't know.

We drive home. Gama's here. I have three unsats and my terra nova's came. My mom made me cry. She was like, blah blah grades, blah blah scores. I asked her if she'd let me see my test scores (she didn't last time), and she was like no. Later she was like, don't you want to see? And I'm like no. And she's like, oh that's right, you don't give dick shit about anything. I was in my room crying, Gama and my dad were there and my dad's just talking to Gama like his daughter isn't sitting in the corner with her knees to her chest crying and saying "fuck" a lot. That makes me so angry, he just pretends I'm not there and that nothing is wrong. But, either way I as allowed to go to Gena's and spend the night there with Gama. But as I leave she yells to me not to even ask to go out for the next nine weeks ("well, then that just saves you the time and hassle of asking, you can just go" - Vivi). At Gena's house, Chole, Patty, Brent, Taylor Blue, and my abuela are tehre. Chole askes where we came from, my uncle says hell, and she nods and says she believes it. I mostly hung out with everyone, being happy with my family. I'm so angry at my mom. She's always voicing her opinions to me about my family, and since really I don't know any of them that well I just nod and believe it. She's just a bitch and so wrong about everyone. Why am I surprised?

Patty, Gama and I are sitting at the table eating dinner when Gama says quietly to Patty if he and I can have some brownies. She's like, sure, *chew chew chew* "you and who!?" But, she gave in. We go to their house (their being Patty and Brent. By the way, Patty is my dad's cousin, Brent is her husband, and Taylor Blue is their daughter. She's the only girl cousin I have under the age of 15, and she's the only cousin under the age of 15 on my dad's side that speaks english. I must say, she's my favorite because of those two things) and get a brownie. I talked to Patty and she's like, since when do you do pot? And I tell her about y'know, how I've done pot and how I drink and how I sneak out almost every weekend and all that. Gama and I go to Gena's, pick up Chole, take her home (her final words to us are to have a good time, decide on our story before my parents ask, and don't contradict myself. My entire family is like, conspiring for me to have a good time) and then go to Kinko's where is friend Aaron works. On the way I eat the brownie, which tastes exactly the way pot smells. Amy kept calling, she was with Amber (from the night that I fucked Leon, my one night stand) and she wanted me to come over. No no no. At the place Aaron eats the other half of the brownie.

It was the coolest thing ever. I was so happy and laughing. My toes and fingers were tingling and I was afraid that I'd just float away. Patty was saying how Judy had a tiny bit and ad a bad trip. I'm like, fuck, it's just pot, you can't trip on pot! Now I totally understand. I was so happy and eerything was so beautiful. We were listening to music and driving around, and I remember thinking that the music was so beatiful. Like, so many layers of beats all wrapped aorund each other. It was so great. I had chilli cheese fries from Jack In The Box, and they were so good. the cheese was so beautiful and gooey and good, and everything was beautiful and great and you understand everything so much better (especially movies set in the seventies with hippies, it all makes sense now).

On Sunday everyone was over at my house, and I spent a lot of time talking to Judy and Patty (I'm going to write out who everyone is in my family at the end of this post, and then add it to the "cast list" when I get on my own computer). So, it was cool to talk to them since I never really did before. On Monday I found out that I had a D in chemistry, yuck. Nic read my entire blog and now he hates me. I guess he thinks I dumped him for Robert. I did break up with Nic, and I am now in some kind of a relationship with Robert that mostly consists of us fucking. I went back and read my old posts and I specificaly said that I wasn't breaking up with Nic for Robert. So, fuck him. I broke up with him because I wasn't happy with and in our relationship and it wasn't fair for him or for me to be in a relationship halfheartedly. After school my uncle picked me up and we went shopping. I got two new dresses from Hot Topic (on clearance). Fairie Chick has one of them, and a really cool shirt from Cash For Chaos. I don't like that store as much as I hoped to. It's like a wannabe Allston Beat with worse prices. Gothics and punkers and whoever else is going to shop at that store aren't known for having a lot of money. Actually, they're not, they're known for stealing and thrifting and making it yourself. Eighty bucks for a pair of pants? That's bullshit. That's absolute bullshit. I realize the store is making a killling, but why do they have to do that? People bitch about Hot Topic being like a DIY Gothic kit, and they're trendy and national and this and that, and their prices aren't the best but they're not that bad! Fuck them, I'd rather shell out 50 bucks for pants at Hot Topic than 80 for the same ones at Cash For Chaos.

We also got me a tuner and six packs of strings and a string winder. We were walking aorund the Fashion Show Mall. For those of you who aren't Vegas natives, it's our high class mall on the Strip, with Saks Fifth Avenue, and Neiman Marcus. Me in my big boots and cherry dress. Everyone was looking at me funnily, it was like one giant American Eagle, with everyone giving me these looks telling me that I don't belong. *sigh* I changed my guitar strings. It's not as hard as I thought it woudl be. The last two strings were stuck so we had to take it to Guitar Center and it was really easy to fix. gama's going to take my guitar to be "set up" and get my bridge flushed so that it doesn't move.

At home, Judy kicked Gama out of my room to talk to me, which was weird. She said that she had been talking to Patty and they just wanted tot ell me that they love me unconditionally, no matter what, and they'll always be here for me, no matter what, and they'll never judge me. She started to get teary eyed and then started to cry. She also told me that no matter what, no matter when, no matter where she'll give me a ride home if I need one and she won't tell my parents. It was really cool, because I don't talk to them much and they live so far away, and I feel so much closer to my family now.

Today I went to school wearing Fairie Chick's mom's girlfriend's army pants. Comfy. Robert got his braces off, which is very strange and cool at the same time. Marcio had a sex dream about Duck, *laughs*. Everything is just sort of normal, I suppose. After school I talked to S. for a while, which is something I have't done for a while. I was ten minutes late to get outside to wait for my uncle, but he was ten minutes late picking me up so it was perfect timing. We went and got a slurpee and dropped my guitar off at Advanced Guitar. I can pick it up onĀ  Saturday. Maybe I'll just walk there, it's really close.

At home Taylor Blue and Patty were there. I played with Taylor for a long time. She's so great. Just laughing and talking (some english, some spanish, some gibberish) and being silly. What a cute kiddo. They left and I started on my english poster, now Judy and her kids are here and we talked for a while. I guess everything's cool. I wrote Brandon a letter in geometry that I want to send tomorrow. Adios.

My Family
Mom's Side:
*grandad is not talked about often, he was an abusive alchoholic and I didn't see him much growing up. He died when I was in seventh grade
*grama is referred to as: Grama or grandma or grandmom
*she had three daughters, the oldest is my aunt Joan (the teacher), the middle is my mom (a teacher), the youngest is my aunt Brenda (the stripper)
*my mom married my dad and had two kids, my older brother Adrian, and me
*my aunt Joan married Angel, and they had two kids. Alexander, who became mentally retarded because of some weird and uncommon disease, he died when he was 18 a few years ago, and Angel Adres, who is 8

Dad's Side:
*abuelo, my grandad
*abuela, my grama (they live in New Mexico)
*my abuela has one sister that *I* know, her name is Elvira
*my abuelos had five kids: Chole/Soledad, Enrique/Henry, my dad, Gena, and Gama
*Chole has two daughters (I never knew her husband), Liz and Judy (24)
*Judy married Jose and has three kids, Sebastian (four), Christian (two), and Jonathen (a few months)
*Henry married Anita, and has one daughter, Sarah (fifteen, her birthday is two days before mine and they live in El Paso)
*Gena lives with her boyfriend, John
*Gama is my favorite uncle, I'm sure everyone knows who he is, he lives in Boston and has a girlfriend, Rie
*Elvira (my abuela's sister) married this guy whose name I can't spell and who I've seen on about three occasions, he only has one lung due to smoking or something. She had one kid, Patty.
*Patty (32) married Brent and has one daughter, Taylor Blue (she's three or four)

Awww, my family. Pixie

Sunday, January 06, 2002

Hee hee. I'm back in town. Don't have time to talk now. I'm kikin it with my uncle. Pixie