Wednesday, January 02, 2002

Viva La Vivi

Well well well. Today I went and watched my brother and mom get snow boots and snow pants. It's unneccesary for me because I will not be skiing or snowboarding. My mom is in shock, but I know I'm not interested. I'm just not. We all got pretty bitchy and my mom called my attitude shitty. Well, duh. I mean, why don't I have a good attitude? I don't want to go! (my uncle asked my dad if I could stay and he said no). Why should I have a good attitude? I'm going somewhere I don't want to go and it'll be exactly like being at home, except no computer and no phone. And that would be okay except the one thing I was looking foward to (getting new books, or at least reading some new books) isn't going to happen. Of course I have a shitty attitude. But, we're over it now.

She also got pissed at me for telling Julio we're going on a trip. Because no one is supposed to know (she thinks our house is going to get broken into. Not like it'll be empty, my uncle will be here). My brother mentions that he told his friends and she's all, "oh, well it's not your friends I'm worried about". Right. When she met three of his friends (the first time) they were talking about how they all cheated on this test (it was scandelous, an entire class cheated). That's a good first impression. She doesn't even know my friends. But, I digress.

Viva la Vivi! Everyone, Vivi started a blog and I'm doing her publicity :) So, go check it out. You can find it here. There's also a link to it at the bottom of my page. She's good for comic relief :) Oh, and sign her guestbook, not like you sign mine or anything, but sign hers. Adios monkeys, see you in a few days. Pixie

Tuesday, January 01, 2002

Happy New Year

And I still only have 113 scars. Bad ass. I'm so proud of myself, it's been a while since I've been proud of myself. And usually it's about something that other people look at and say "big deal". I started my new year off reading a lot of Heather's (Mz. S to you scarletfolk) journal that I missed, and then looking at oodles of pictures, reading oodles of articles and I found a really slinkster cool site that I think I'll be going back to. I just can't help it, I think Heather's like, the coolest chica ever and I so look up to her the way all these 12 year olds look up to Britney Spears. I think Heather is a much better role model, in my own opinion. All in all, a good night. However, I didn't get to bed until 6 am and my mom woke me up to get my library books (I had one). Well, we couldn't find one, and spent the next hour looking for it. Including looking in my room. Surprisingly, I'm big on my privacy. It freaks me out to the point of almost having an anxiety attack when someone is in my room looking for something. Well, while my mom was "looking for the book" she managed to find condoms, dental dams, lube (practice safe sex kiddies) which she didn't mention to me, but I know she found. She also found two packs of cigarettes. Blah. Fortunatly, they're in a black beanie. My mom asked me who's beanie it was and I automatically responded Fairie Chick. Eep. Sorry! But I suppose it's a fair trade of...your parents know I'm having sex, my mom thinks that you smoke (well, I told her I was trying to get you to quit, explaining why the cigarettes were in my room). I hate hate hate people in my room.

We never found the fucking book. I told her it wasn't in there and she didn't have to throw my room apart looking for it. Well, it happens. Now I've got to go clean my room, do my laundry, wash the windows (inside *and* out she says to me, as though I'm a dumbass that only washes one side of windows), clean the living room. Bleh. Oh, btw, it was Julio who put me in that horrible mood last night. I'm always in a pretty icky mood on New Year's, but he just started saying shit. So I turned up my music and ignored him (he was on speakerphone). Finally he's like, "I'm not going to beg you to stop this" So I hung up on him. Oooh, watch the mean bitch in her come out. *rolls eyes*. He called me back, I told him to stop calling. He called a little after midnight to wish me a happy new year, and apologized, which came out more like "I was all happy and giddy that I finally pissed you off, I was running around with this big grin on my face" which is absolutely uncool in my book. Fuck him. I don't plan on talking to him for a while. Fuck that shit. So, yeah. Sorry about that guys. But I'm here, I'm unscarred, if a bit pissed off. Pixie
Oops, 113, silly me, I don't know how to count.
Cutter Cutter Cutter

Why do you try to hurt me? Why do you do it on purpose? How you can you be glad when you make me angry? How can it please you? How can it make you smile knowing that you made me want to hurt myself? I hate you for that and I'll never forgive you, but all I can say in response is nothing. All I can do is stop speaking and turn my music up loud until I hang up on you. And when you call back I say "please stop calling me". That's all the malice I can muster for you but I hate you for it. You hurt me you bastard and I hate you.

I must admit, I've been looking at self-injury pictures. There are so many out there, although they're hard to find. I almost have the sick feeling of wanting, wanting you all to see my injuries. Make you understand. Images speak so much louder than words. I can say I cut myself 30 times, I can say that I have 55 scars on my right hip, but you can't really know unless you see. Hmm...I'll toy with the idea of letting you see that side of me. "My pant leg is raised, my ankle exposed. I angrily shove it down, hiding the words that I carved there last night" "And cover my wrists with my shirt sleeve, because I know you hated that side of me". How sad to think that that was written by a 14 year old version of me. I think, fourteen is too young to feel that, to do that, to say that. But then I think and realize that I started much younger. Too young.

So, I really desire to cut myself. I haven't yet, but I will admit I've been looking for triggers, looking for an excuse. It wasn't my fault, I can say, I did it because I saw the picture. But, pictures don't even trigger me anymore. All those people, all those scars. Millions of other people just like me, with the same scars, even more. I've lived through terrorists killing hundreds of Americans in a few short seconds, I've lived through countless school shootings, I've never seen a day where you could have unprotected sex and not worry about dying, thousands of teenagers have killed themselves in the 15 years and 9 months I've been alive. It makes me so sad, so unbelievably sad. So many of my favorite celebrities self injure. Shirley Manson, Christina Ricci, Johnny Depp, Fionna Apple. How sad. I can't even comprehend it. Isn't that what cutting for me is all about? A way of dealing with uncomprehendable emotions and feelings.

On the one hand, I want to cut, I want the easy way out, I want blood and scars and pain. I need it. On the other hand I don't. I say it's been so long since I've done it. I say then I have to confess, then I need another time of waiting for my scars to heal. I have to think of all the people I want to hide it from and how I would hide it. It is so complicated, it is so hard. It makes me uglier, it leaves me scars, so many scars, raised and pink and red and ugly. Let's do a count-up, shall we? I think so. Two scars on my left hand. Thirty one on my left fore-arm (some are hard to see). Seven on my left upper-arm/shoulder area. One on my right hand (that ever fateful punching of hard objects). Nine lines on my lower left leg/ankle area. And then it says CRUEL SELFISH CRAZY, and I don't know how to count letters. But, they take up about 12 square inches (4x3 for those curious). Four on the left breast. You can barely fade out some of the letters of WORTHLESS on my lower abdomen. Fifty-one on my right hip (ever fading). Seven on my upper right thigh. Grand total of 109. I'm too young to have 109 scars. Way too young. That saddens me too.

Can I live without it? Can I? Can I? Will I ever? I don't know. I don't know. I just can't answer any questions right now, it's too hard. I'd go jam out on my guitar but I can't because I can't fucking play. Off I go now, to see if I can handle my own craziness. Pixie
New Year

I'm still in a horrible mood, but I thought I'd take a time out to say that while I hate Las Vegas, it is the place to be on New Years Eve. I just watched the 8 minute firework display that was happening on the strip, on 13 hotel/casino roftops, at the same time, and it was quite amazing. Especially when you consider that those weren't the only fireworks here. We also had some at the Fiesta, the Santa Fe, Texas, and probably Sunset too. They're just everywhere, which is why it's cool to be in Vegas. Back to being a pissed off bitch. Pixie

Monday, December 31, 2001

Hurt

I'm just a little girl that hurts myself. Just a little girl. I"m just a fucked up little girl. Isn't it funny the way all the hurtful things everyone's ever said to you - even in jest, come back to you when you're at your worst? And they all swirl around in your head, their faces, their words.

"You're just another Fairie Chick, that's all you'll ever be, you're just a replacement of me."
"Sometimes I wonder if you're just a child, a little girl because you cut yourself."
"Just because you had good intentions doesn't make you a good person, you still hurt people."
"You're just a fucked up girl, I never deserved to have a daughter like you."
"you're a horrible person, cruel and mean, and you're selfish and you don't give a damn about anyone."
"You're a selfish bitch and you'll never let yourself be happy."
"Stop being overdramatic, it's not a big deal."
"I'm sorry, I love you so much and I never meant to hurt you, but..."
"You know what your problem is? Your problem is that you don't have a problem so you have to make one for yourself."
"I don't know Pixie, I have to agree, you're just doing it for attention."


I figured out why I like Robert so much. But I'm not going to say, because I really don't care for anyone to know. Leave me alone. I'm just a fucked up little girl who cuts herself and hurts herself for no fucking reason. Leave me alone. I don't need you, I don't need me, I don't need this. I'm not sure who I'm talking to, but I don't need any of it.
Fucked Up Again

Once again I've fucked shit up by opening my own big mouth. Fuck this shit, fuck that shit, that's how I feel. Someone said that they need to talk to me more about it before I get upset. Right, like it won't be upsetting. But I can't say who that someone is. Apperently it's not cool to talk about other people in my blog, MY blog. You don't want to read my blog, don't. I warn everyone who wants to read it that I'm utterly truthful and honest in here on how I see the world, and how I see my life and how I see things. But, now it's not cool to talk about other people besides myself. It wasn't a problem before for me to talk about other people until one special person gets upset. Because lots of people get upset when they read my blog. But this *one* person gets upset and now it's all a problem.

You know, four people called me up today asking about "someone who's name I can't say". Asking if it was about them. Four different unrelated people. Some of them don't even know the other people. What does that show you? That almost everyone does it. When I wrote it I was talking about one person in particular, and then I thought about it and realized it was about someone else entirely. And then I realized it was really about this other person. Then people started calling me asking me if it was about them, and I told them all sure it's about you, because really it is about you. To everyone who reads this, it's about you. And one of them is pissed which makes my other friend pissed which makes me go ahhh!

Fuck everyone, it's about all of you. Everyone says one thing and means another. Every single one of you. I do it, you do it, your parents do it. That's just how this sick sad world works. So, fuck that shit. People think it's them because they know it's them. They know that do it. People get upset because they're afraid it's them, and they read more into it then it ever said. It says "say one thing and mean another". That's all it says, nothing less, nothing more, don't read more into it, it's not about more. It's about saying one thing and meaning another. It's about how I say I'm fine when I know I'm not, it's about smiling when you're not smiling inside, it's about being with someone just because it's too complicated to break up with them, it's about pushing your feelings back until you don't feel them anymore, it's about forcing yourself to be something you're not when you don't even know what you are.

I have to go clean now since I fell asleep last night instead of doing my chores, so my dad's pissed and I have to clean. I'm not going to party tonight, I've decided to rebel against New Years Eve, it's too cliche to party. That's a cool way of saying that I just want to go to bed. Bye monkeys. Pixie

Sunday, December 30, 2001

Why can't people just say what they feel and mean what they say? I'm feeling so Bob. Fuck high school. You've got people like Lola, who live a lie and lie to their partner until they finally do what they want to do, while saying something so different from what they mean. And it works, because she's with a really great guy now, but it could have been different. And you've got Cupcake, who can't just say I don't want to do LDR, instead he just doesn't e-mail his girlfriend until she gets tired of it and gets a new boyfriend. You have people like Fairie Chick, who lie to their partners about their past. You have people like, someone who's name I can't say, who say one thing and mean another. You have people like me who won't tell you the truth because they know it'll hurt you. But it's high school drama and it's stupid shit and it makes me sick, quite frankly.

and i wake up in the darkness and i
don't have the will anymore to wonder
everyone has a skeleton
and a closet to keep it in
and you're mine
every song has a you
a you that the singer sings to
and you're it this time
baby, you're it this time
i care less and less
what people think
and you are so lame
you always disappoint me
it's kinda like our running joke
but it's really not funny
i just want you to live up to
the image of you i create
i see you and i'm so unsatisfied
i see you and i dilate
when i say you sucked my brain out
the english translation
is i am in love with you
and it is no fun
but i don't use words like love
'cuz words like that don't matter
but don't look so offended
you know, you should be flattered
and i know that i'm better
off alone

Ani knows what's going on. *sigh* She's great. And those are selected lyrics from a song called Dialate. Pixie

Nyuk Nyuk

I feel awfully blah. Hot Topic Trevor called me. We talked for a very short while because my dad called wanting to talk to my mom. I found out that he's 22, divorced, ummm...I used to know his job, now I don't remember. Hmmm. I'm so tired and blah, I'm ready to pass out but I'm supposed to do my chores first but I say fuck my chores. Maybe I'll change my mind later on. Maybe I'll work on my english project. We'll see. My mom and dad are at the Niel Diamond concert. Personally, I feel they are way too young to like Niel Diamond, but it leaves me alone in the house so I can't complain.

So Vivi told Nic that Robert and I have been having sex. I guess a few days ago she was talking to him and he's like, I will get over her, I will. And then today they were talking and she's like, sweetie you have to get over her, you *have* to. And he's like, but I love her, blah blah, give me a good reason. She tried to reason with him, he wasn't having any of it. So...she gave him a good reason. Hey, she's having sex with Robert. Well, I guess he was upset and he's like, tell me why she really broke up with me, blah blah. And Vivi's like, it just wasn't working and it's all blah.

He's very much lockdowned, he's grounded from staying out all night. He told his parents he was at Blueberry Hill for eight hours. Uh-huh, yeah. That's what they said. And Bob is also very grouned, everyone is afraid to call him to see how grounded he is. Blah. I'm going to go be blah. Pixie
Crazy Little Party Girl

Whew. Crazy night. So, I sneak out last night to go to Rocky with Vivi, and Julio was going to be there too. I get there and hang out with Vivi and Julio. Scott is there and Nathan is too and it's all good until Vivi gets a phone call from Chicago, Mikal, Bob, and Robert. They're on there way. So, we wait outside for them and they finally get there but they didn't have money to stay. I didn't want to go and ditch Julio...but I did. His friends think I'm a bitch now. So, we're off in a stolen car, sorta. It's the gay guy sleeping on Robert's couch's car (the guy that gave me a ride home), but he was out of town. Robert's mom said they couldn't take it but she was at her girlfriend's house so who cares, right? So, off we go on our merry little way. We drop Chicago off at home and then we go to pick up Shane.

Then we go to Robert's house where I proceed to help myself to some drinks. They wanted to play video games and I'm like, blah, that's boring, so we started watching porn. But then the porn stopped, I don't remember why and we were watching TV and it was some little car thing, I don't know. But I wanted to watch Blade. Robert was like, no no let's watch this blah blah blah. So I do what every girl does when she wants to get her way. I sit on his lap and start biting his neck until he gives in. So we watch Blade :)

Then Bob, Shane, and Vivi leave to go get mexican food for Robert. Mikal was still there. Robert was off doing something so I was rubbing Mikal's back and next thing you know I'm sitting on his lap biting his neck. I so didn't mean to do that. Why do I always do that to Mikal when I'm drunk? Eep. So, Robert gets pissed and goes out to the couch, so I follow him and sit on the couch with him and we're both basically like, what the fuck is going on. And I'm like we're not together and he's like I'm not jealous and we're both like how do you feel? I started to cry. He said that sometimes he thinks I'm just a little girl or something because I cut myself, which made me more upset and I was just like, fuck this fuck that. Does cutting make me a little girl? Does hurting myself make me like a child? And I showed him all my scars. My wrist, which he's seen, my ankles, which he hadn't noticed. My hips, which he also hadn't noticed and he's just like jesus.

And I was just like, blah, you drive me crazy because I like you and I care about you and you hurt me and I told myself I would never let myself like anyone like you again but I do and it scares me so much because I don't know what's going on. We were both just ahhh. Then they came home, and they left again, I think? I don't know, but no one was home. So, Robert and I go into his room and I'm just sitting on him and he's like, you're such a tease you're horrible :) So, we had sex. I was like, don't you think it's a bad idea to have sex with a drunk girl, and he said that since we've had sex before he thinks that it's okay. He's got this really amazing quality. We're having sex, and he comes on me (maybe those porn stars aren't lying, it's just a really good feeling), and then we keep having sex until I come. He just stays hard until I'm done. I bit his shoulder. Hard. It left a mark. I couldn't help it. *laughs* It was great make-up sex, I suppose.

So then everyone comes home again and I was like, ahh Vivi we need to talk so we go into the bathroom and we're talking, I don't remember about what. This is apparently where I was hitting on her. I don't really remember that either. Ehh. So, they take her home. When they get back it's just me, Robert, Bob, Mikal, and Shane. And then Robert pulls out the pot and Shane, Robert and I smoke it, Mikal gets pissed at Shane. They left to go to Fat Burger, leaving Shane and I home. It was good, we talked. We were just talking about everything. He gave me tips to give better head, I gave him tips for this girl he likes, he petted me and asked me about Robert. He's a strange kid. He was just like, Does Robert pet you? Does he tell you that he loves you? Does he tell you that you're beautiful? When they get back Mikal is still pissed and it's just a bad scene and it's all, I'm taking Pixie home, Shane you have to walk, and this and that.

So I put on my shoes and Mikal and I go downstairs and get into the van and next thing you know *everyone* is in the van with us. So, we take them to Fat Burger and they walk home and it's just Bob, Mikal and I. They're driving me home and Mikal's all like, what's up with you and Robert, and I'm like, "I don't know, I avoid relationships because I don't want a high school drama relationship, and I don't even have a relationship with him but we still have all the drama that I never wanted" and Bob was all, I love you. Bob's really cool, I never realized his coolness before. So, I sneak in.

I woke up this morning with a horrible hangover. Gah...horrible. I never get hungover. Vivi calls me and she's like, did Bob get home? I say yeah, but then I think about it and realize I was dropped off first. Turns out at 9am this morning Bob's dad calls her asking her if she's seen him and she's like no, because her dad was right there. And she's like nope I wasn't with him. So...turns out at 10am they took Shane home to get ready for work, where Bob's parents were waiting since he was supposed to be at Shane's house. Uh-oh.

Oh sheesh. I was just talking to Kristen on the phone saying how I wonder if I should put condoms in a random drawer in my brother's room, and my brother walks in the room. *laughs* Either he didn't hear or he pretended not to because he was in a rush. So, that was my night, mmhm. Oh, Julio's pissed at me. He called me this morning and started calling me a bitch and stuff, and then he was like I can't even get angry at you, this sucks. So, we're cool now. I told him, he's not mad at me, he's mad at himself for letting me get to him. It took him like, 2 hours to be like okay that's why I was mad, I know you already told me that.

"This song is dedicated to every kid who got picked last in gym class, this is for you, to every kid who never had a date to no school dance, this is for you, to everyone who's ever been called a freak, this is for you. Like the time in school when we got free lunch and the cool kids beat us up, and the rich kids had convertibles and we had to ride the bus, like the time we made the baseball team but they still laughed at us, like the time that girl broke up with me because I wasn't cool enough". I like Good Charolette. :)
So, I'm at Robert's house. I've had a bit to drink. I ditched Julio, I feel bad, but y'know, it happens. Yeah. Okay, Robert says I'm drunk so I must be. I didn't have that much to drink....like 6 shots of After Shock which has a lower proof than vodka so I didn't think I'd be like this, but it happens. Vivi was here, but she went home. We're waiting for Shane and Bob and Mikal. Uh-huh. Well, I'll go now, just wanted to let you know. I love you Kristen, everyone says you're sexy. I wasn't threatened when you gave Jah Love a lapdance because you were a good friend of his. No, it's because you're too cute for your own good. I'm going to go now, Adios my friends. Lola, I'm happy for you, I think this is really great. Fuck Sid, God is your future, he's your happiness, stay with him. :) Adios. Pixie