Saturday, December 22, 2001

Fairie Chick

Is one crazy mother fucker. Oh. My. Gosh. Sometimes I just can't comprehend her. So yesterday I went and smoked like, three cigs, and then I went and baked a batch of oatmeal cookies and a batch of chocolate chip. Julio was like, "you're so sexy when you're mad, so agressive, if we were ever together I think I'd fight with you just for the make up sex". And of course then I started to bake which he thought was the cutest thing ever. Grrr. Everyone thinks I'm cute when I'm angry, and quite frankly it sometimes drives me crazy.

I watched A Christmas Carol, or a christmas movie or something like that, it was pretty good. Then my mom and I sat around talking. Christmas always does this to her because it's a holiday and the holidays were ruined for her so much because of her abusive alchoholic asshole of a father. So...we were talking and it started off with her telling me the bad memories (like her dad drowning her mom in the bathtub, her dad beating the shit out of her, her dad threatening to kill her mother when my mom would try to call the police, all those fun memories) and then the good and I started thinking because I don't have many memories before like, fourth grade, but if you really sit down and think about your memories, they come back. Finally at 12:15 I go to my room, and I'm on my bed when I hear this whisper. I freeze. I'm like oh shit oh shit oh shit. At first I thought it was a voice in my head, I soon realized it wasn't.

I open up my curtains. There's Fairie Chick. I let her in! She's flippin freezing, has been waiting outside of my house for an hour. It's cold! So, she comes in and warms up and we talk and hang out for a few hours, then we leave and walk to her house (she only lives like, a mile and a half away) and hang out there for a while. It was really cool but I can't believe how insane she is sometimes. Finally at like, four am? Maybe? I don't know, around there I left and came home. But, it was super neato, I gave her cookies, she gave me cranberry juice. It's really funny the way you have to follow someone when you're sneaking into their house, just because you're all badass at your house but you never know what to do and where you have to be careful at someone else's house.

So it was really neato, but she's fucking crazy sometimes. Oh, and I got my Christmas present from her. Two picture frames. She's going on a picture frame binge lately, although it's been around for a while. I've already gotten a picture frame from her before. Unfortunatly, I have no pictures to put in. Perhaps if she'd give me her homecoming pictures!!! But, I gotta go. Must call Paco and see if we can go to the mall so I can get a dress from Hot Topic that's on clearance. Oh yeah. Pixie

Friday, December 21, 2001

Hurt

So, I'm not at school, I've just been hanging around in bed and now I'm reading the script for Meet Joe Black. My mom is so full of shit. So, my dad gets home from his run and I'm talking to him and he's like "your mom thinks you've seen your guitar already" and I'm like, what? Because I haven't gone looking for it or anything. I really don't care to see it because I know if I do I'll want to play it. And he's like, "well, she says every year you go looking for your presents, you even go through drawers and stuff" and I'm like what the fuck? That is such bullshit. I told him too, I said "well mom's full of crap" One year, one year on accident I found my Christmas presents. The next year I did it all through catalogs so of course they were mailed and I'm the one who gets the mail...but they were boxed, so I couldn't have looked at them. And he's like "I know, she's saying that you took some tweezers from her drawer and put them in the bathroom" and he's saying how he didn't believe it because I'm not like that, and the one thing he won't tolerate is people going through his drawers. Hah! They're so big on their privacy, when they have no respect for mine? They never have. My dad said something about how my mom hasn't gone through my drawers in years. I wanted to spit at him and say oh, is my inbox so different? But I'm not supposed to know. I'm not supposed to know. I want to yell at him and scream hysterically and throw a tantrum and shout "I know what she says about me, I know how you both think I'm this whiny selfish fucked up girl I know I know I know! I know how you don't give a damn about me and how you wouldn't lose any sleep if I killed myself. I know I know I know! I know how you both think I'm a conniving little bitch who is selfish and cruel and heartless and not worth anything! I know how you think I don't deserve a single goddamn thing!" But I don't. Because...I don't even know why I don't.

I went out to breakfast with my dad and grama. She's cooler than I give her credit. She likes to hurt people, and quite frankly right now I'm down with that. Why not hurt people? Why not? She had a bitch of a sister and one day she flipped out and knew she was getting the fuck out of her house and she did. She's better than I ever thought she was.

Watched Interview With The Vampire. Muy sexy. I'm begining to think I love the movie, even if it does have that blonde chick in it who is not nearly as sexy as she should have been. My parents are gone, going Christmas shopping. My mom was bitching about this or that or something, and then she said "maybe we shouldn't critisize the way she raised her children, after all, look at how ours turned out." I swear she says these things so that I can hear them. She does it on purpose.

I'm going to go smoke now. Oooh, how gross am I, smoking my Marlboro's? I don't fucking care. Let's hurt people let's hurt them all. Why care? Why care? Why be like me? Why be so careful not to hurt people, do they ever do me a favor in return? All people do is hurt you. All I try to do is not hurt them. Why? How does that make sense. It seems that everyone else is infinatly more happy than I ever have been. Perhaps it's all in hurting people. Why not hurt them? Hurt them hurt them hurt them, hurt everyone. Why bother being nice to Nic? Why bother being nice to everyone? Why not be a selfish bitch? Everyone thinks I'm that already. Sara thought I hated her. My parents practically despise me. I have no clue what my brother thinks about me. Everyone thinks I'm this big spooky scary bitch or they think I'm some naive sweetheart. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of everyone making me into the person they want me to be.

Fuck. This. Shit.

Pixie I'm so digging Fiona Apple right now.

Thursday, December 20, 2001

Don't Do It

Today was a really...uhh...I don't know, strange. Chemistry was so much fun because we all just had our Chemis-tree projects. My cookies were great. Vivi was mentioned in two songs. Most of the songs sucked, but one guy did a remake of Adam Sandler's Hannukah song, even brought his guitar, it was really great. My teacher was sitting in the very back with us and I was hanging candy canes off of whatever part on him I could find that would allow me to hang stuff. There were candy cane reindeer with elements on them, ours were fighting, it was cool. Vivi got up and asked a joke. "Why does Mr. Chemistry hate Viviana so much? Because he's a mcbastard!". Vivi and I decided to retake our tests (she got a 33, I got a 72), so she calls her dad during class and we hear her side of the conversation as "Hi, dad? Yeah, I'm going to be staying after school today to retake a chemistry test. No, no, dad! I wouldn't lie to you! Dad. Mr. Chemistry, say something", Mr. Chemistry looks at her and yells "get me a beer!" We then hear Vivi say "haha, isn't he funny dad? No, really, that's my teacher. Okay bye." It was so classic!

Went to Spanish...found out Senor Spanish sexually harassed this girl. I find it really upsetting, she's not going to report it. She told my friend about it last night at church. She came into class late and was very upset. We convinced the teacher to let us take the test after the break, hehe, and reviewed instead. Then we had our fiesta. Yum yum.

Second break I was cold and not feeling well, so I was lying on the stage, and Jessy comes over and starts biting my hip and touching my navel and petting me. :) It was nice. Went to English...because we had a substitute Nic and Shane decided to come, it was so crazy. Shane looks out of place everywhere, with his frizzy mad scientist hair, glasses, and tie dyed shirt. Oh my. But, the sub didn't say anything. Jessy, Fairie Chick and I had to go sit at an empty tablesince there were like, 10 people at my table. So we do, and the sub is all like "whose funeral are you going to?" We're like "whaa?" and he's like "well, you're all in black". We look down and realize the three of us are decked out in black, looking all...dark and stuff, lol.

We had a test, it was mostly open everything. My table wasn't doing anything (considering who was there). When Shane came to visit us I had to copy my answers from him. *groans* Now, that my friend, is embarrasing. After school I went into the theater and talked to Marcio and Duck and Biscuit and Josh and Justin and we were just hanging out being stupid and I retold them the Jessy story. You see, yesterday, Jessy was standing around and Kristen comes up to her and goes "so, I hear you refuse to state your sexuality. So are you a lesbian? Are you bi? Are you straight? Or are you like, one of those people who's just sexual and wants everyone?" Guess who was standing right next to Jessica? Yes, that's right, her father! So, they leave, and they go to get some lunch. And Jessica pushes up her sleeves, and is eating her sandwhich when she looks down and realizes that her right hand says "I enjoy oral sex" and her left hand says "I take it up the ass from Brittany". Uh-huh. Her dad didn't say anything to her about *that* but she thinks he saw them anyway. Oh dear oh my. But, it does give us a funny story.

Finally I go upstairs to retake my chemistry test, with Marcio and Duck. I wasn't finished when I left, but Mr. Chemistry kicked me out and said he'd put in the grade from my first test for the unfinished part (since I did well on it). Went downstairs, saw David, gave him a hug, saw Justin, gave him a hug, saw Nic, gave him a hug, saw Chicago - stayed far away from him because I'm terrified that he'll hate me and I don't like that. I was just in a really good mood. So, Marcio, David and I went down in front of the school to wait for my dad to pick me up.

David is a cutie-pie. So...my dad and I go and get donuts and come home and it's all good. My mom's in a good mood, they go shopping, I go to sleep. This is at around 3 o'clock. I don't wake up until 7. I don't think I'll go to school tomorrow. All I have is world history (we'll be taking notes), geometry (we have to turn in our projects and do extra credit. I haven't done the project, and I'll lose 10 points for not turning it in, but it's only worth 30 points so no big deal), and in PE we'll be playing soccer. So, I'll leave my parents a note saying that I don't feel well, don't wake me up.

Gah, Julio just called me wanting to know if I can talk! Everyone knows that you can't call me at 10 o'clock and expect to talk to me. Not to mention I know he knows I was asleep all day because he called a few times earlier (thank you caller ID). Gah. Oh, I talked to Robert last night. Just, la de da, I don't know. We'll see. Whatever. My parents are talking about going to Brian Head (Utah) on Jan. 4. Gee, wish they had told us about it. Gee, wonder where they're getting the money for this? Must be pulling it out of their ass because goddess knows we don't have it. My brother wants to snowboard, my parents want to rent many movies and books and watch them in front of the fire place. I want to play my guitar. See, but my uncle is coming on the 3rd. Gah. My dad's saying how he wants Gama to come with but it's like, why would he want to torture himself like that? Hopefully it'll fall through.Pixie

Wednesday, December 19, 2001

Monkey Monkey, Why You Hurt Me So Much?

Ugh. My body hurts everywhere. Everywhere. Soccer makes me feel alive, but it's hard to let yourself hurt everwhere like this. My muscles scream out, no Pixie no, you have not used us for so long, don't. But I do. Today felt so long. Bleh. Ehhh, so, Nic was acting all bummed out today and he calls me after school because he wants to apologize for this and that. Ugh. It's so uncool. First of all, he has nothing to apologize for. Second of all, he wants to apologize for everything. No apologies, no regrets. It was endearing at first, not it's downright annoying. And he's saying how he wants to be my friend but it's hard for him and la de da. I was baking cookies as this conversation is going on, so I ask him if he wants my cookies and he's like, noo, ahh, why can't you be a bitch? Okay I'll have some cookies. *laughs* Poor kiddo. Right now he's just concerned that I'm going to get with some asshole. Hmmm.

Marcio, Julio's little brother, is so cute! He's like this little girly angel queer kid and I love it. S. thinks he's a cutie, so does Duck. Everyone thinks he's nice and sweet. And I'm like, eeh! Happy. Fairie Chick made rainbow cookies with her mom's girlfriend and gave them out to everyone. They were yum yum. I came home on the bus. Ugh. I went to the store and got some sour punch straws, a score bar, and some chips. At the first two. Then my mom came home and she broke her diet. She and my dad keep going on and off the Atkin's diet. My dad can do anything, my mom is weak. She ate at KFC. Why? Oh, because she's been on this diet for ten days and she's only lost two pounds. I'm like, goddamn what do you expect? She's so...ugh, I don't even want to talk about it. So, that was enough of a push to make me not want to eat the chips. It's like, the more she eats, the less I want to.

I fell asleep and left some of my cookies in the oven too long. Oops. Oh well. Make up your own ending and let me know just how you feel. I'm lost without you, I cannot live at all, my whole world surrounds you, I stumble then I fall. You could be my someone. Good song. Sorry.

I tried to catch Robert second break, but Kristen pulled him away, but I walked with him for a while anyway. He told me to call him so we could talk. I guess he asked Vivi what's going on with me and she's like la de da, well, this and that. But, she's not really telling him anything since her loyalty is to Nic. Hmm hmm. I don't know.

All I know is there are only two days of school left, six days till Christmas, one test and one project due, and then I'm gone for two weeks. I need this I want it. Pixie

Tuesday, December 18, 2001

La La La

I don't know why I'm writing so much. I just read the script for Interview With a Vampire *orgasms* It's my new favorite movie. The sad thing is that with scripts you can picture everything how you want it. When I saw what Claudia looked like in the movie, I was disapointed. I wanted a Wenesday from the Adams Family (*sigh* I used to be in love with Wednesday. But I've grown up. Now I'm in love with Christina Ricci). I explored a lot of astrology today. Trying to get to know myself better. I'm such a typical aries, which is a bit of a disapointment. Duck made me cry. People don't give him enough credit. He figures he's just had enough psychiatric help to have learned a few tricks. His analysis of me:
*I have low self esteem. No shit. But, not just "ooh, tell me I'm pretty" low self esteem, but real low self esteem. I thought everyone's low self esteem was just like mine. That figures. He thinks that when a great guy comes along and likes me so much I don't want him because I feel as though I don't deserve him. So I turn to some asshole, who I think I deserve. He thinks I need to get a friend other than my journal, *laughs* Because I don't want to burden my friends, I'm not honest with them. True, true. And so, I come to school and act all cheerful and happy, but sometimes I slip, and there is just a sad aura about me and my eyes are so sad. But, when someone calls me on it I try to go back into my happy-go-lucky charector. He had to go before he could tell me more.

I feel very sexual as of late. I keep looking at my journal cover, which is downright naughty if you ask me, and reading this quote from FLB: "She was the porn goddess, ice sex, glistening and shiny perfection. Something you wanted to eat and wear and own and be. Something poisonous delicious forbidden And I'm like, ugh, I want to be that! See? If FLB's teen books can make me wet, imagine her erotica. Check out this sex horoscope and tell me, is it not me?

The Aries female, a.k.a. the ram, is delightfully erotic. She likes to feel in control of situations presented. She is drawn to the challenge of getting a man to let down his guard. She'll want to talk him into the initial lovemaking. The best way to drive her wild is to play hard to get. You don't want to come off as carrying out a calculated plan. Be cautious because she is very intelligent and would not like to think someone is trying to outsmart her at her own game. In her eyes she pursues the man she wants and allows him into her life; in actuality the man who can create enough of a withdrawal to keep her curious, wins her love. Her goal is to conquer her mate in the sack. While you might have suspected her to be a cool calm lover, she'll turn the tables during lovemaking and become a hungry sheep, lusting for her pleasures to be answered. She loves to have her nipples gently caressed and licked. She'll look to her lover to satisfy her wants, and expects that this would be enough to keep him fully satisfied. In most cases her natural instance to "try it all" will prove fulfilling enough for two. For long term relationships to stick you must keep her wondering. She will stay drawn to you as long as a challenge remains to keep you interested.

Hmm hmm, you never know. I'm going to jet, It's midnight, I need sleep or concealer, and seeing as I don't have the latter, it's gotta be sleep. Adios you monkeys.
Two Things

One is that I wrote a poem in Spanish. We were all just talking about how we aren't even required to take that fucking class and blahbity blah blah. And I told them about how I looked at the schedule I was planning on taking next year (five AP classes and one honors) and how I just started to cry, but I'm pretty much screwed because you can't go back and take easier classes. So I have to take all these classes, and I'm automatically placed in honors because of my stanines, so I'll end up taking like, four honors classes (since I won't be taking a spanish class I get an elective, and I'm going to switch a former AP elective to a theatre class...maybe..I don't know). So, I wrote this little poem, which all my spanish friends read and identified with, because we're all overachievers.

In this life we are told,
It's not good enough to "just get by",
If you're not perfect or the best,
Then you may as well die.

Our parents only wanted,
For us to be our best,
They keep pushing and pushing,
In our sleep there is no rest.

They say we should be punished,
for all that we've done wrong,
Blood and razors everywhere,
The nights become too long.

Eventually the day comes,
Where yout ake your own life,
it's to hard to stay alive,
When you could only "just get by"

The parents cried tears,
For the grandkids they'd never see,
The things we'd do they couldn't brag about,
They never gave a damn about me.

They tell us our lives are so easy,
We have no burdens to bear,
But it'shard to ive a life,
Where if you're not perfect, no one cares.

Next thing: boys drive me insane. Crazily insane. Because they make me want them so badly until I go and read everything I ever wrote about them, fucking up my site stats, and all I want is to call them and kiss them and fuck them. And they drive me nutso. *sigh* We shall see, we shall see.
Mmhm, Oh Yeah

Today was pretty cool. It's quite aggravating when you're absolutely ready to walk out the door, but you don't leave until ten minutes later. So, tomorrow I'll just be ready ten minutes earlier. I like to get to school early, I can't help that! So, Nic asked me out this morning before school. Just because yesterday we talked on the phone and it was so great, and he's like, you know it'd be different. But...I don't know. I don't really want to be in a relationship right now, and if I were to be in one it wouldn't be with him. So, I said no, but he took it goodnaturedly and we just moved on. In chem we had that test, oh, how hard electron notations are! Gak. I had to get a new test because I fucked it up so badly there just wasn't any fixing it. My teacher was like "I know, this paper's been waiting for you to realize that you needed it". He also dragged out Vivi by her chair. Just pulled her out in the hallway. It was so funny. "Mr F? Mr F? What are you doing? Where are you taking me? I love you!" *laughs* Apparently he added "has a potty mouth" to her deans referral. One day she said "oh shit!" and he was like "you can't say that in school! you can say oh god, but not oh shit" and then she kept saying it so...yeah. I have to wonder if he'll ever turn it in. It says "for being stupid, for being a klepto, for having a potty mouth". Then again, this is the teacher that sent a psychologist referrel for our principle for an entire year.

My body is so sore from soccer. Ahhh, but I feel so good. I lost another pound. Four to nine more pounds to go. First break I was copying spanish homework. Went to spanish. We spent most of the class discussing how much we hate the class and the teacher telling us how much we suck. Well, no one used those exact words, but that's basically what happened. Bleh. Second break I ran into Julio's brother, Marcio. He's really pretty. I'm like, come here, hang out with me. The first people we run into are Duck, the flaming bi guy, and S. the butch lesbian. *smirks* they're talking about how he wants to jump this guy's bones. I don't know, some people know that he's (Marcio) is queer because I was talking about his situation because I thought it was shitty, but they know to keep it on the down low. I'm not going to out him if he doesn't want, but at least he knows that a lot of queer kids are in theater. lol. So, it was neato. I started jumping around because I was just feeling so ahhh, overloaded with just, coolness. And I gave Robert a hug. It's been a really long time since I hugged him, so it was nice. *sigh*

Nic wrote me a note and he was like, la de da, now I know how Robert felt. And he told me not to go out with some jerk dickhead asshole, lol. English was fun because we had a sub and no real assignment, so we sat around and talked about porn. This guy, Robert/Gremlin was like, you look cheerful today (I was wearing my boots, black pants, pink shirt), which is something he points out whenever I look to chipper. It's strange because I have him in a B-day class and I almost always dress down on B-days, but whatever. And I'm like, you see, I made up for it by wearinga ll black yesterday. And he's like...what? I didn't see you. So I'm like, well, I was wearing a black skirt with slits up to hear, fishnet thigh highs, garters, fishnet top...and he's like, ooooh oh yeah, I saw you. That disturbs me. After school Paco dropped Giselle and Amber off somewhere, and we went and got Taco Bell with Lenis and he took me home. I've decided that if anyone was watching him for the past few days they'll think he's gay. Exhibit numero uno: his car. It has stickers on it such as "I dorks" "Boys Lie", etc. In the glove compartment we found some tampons and lipgloss. (the car used to be his sister's and wasn't cleaned out). Exhibit numero dos: his christmas shopping. He bought the J-Lo CD, a Cosmo mag (that was for me), chapstick, fuzzy slippers, and gum. See? Gay. He's not, but if anyone was watching....

I've been listening to too much Fiona Apple as of late. I can't help it, her voice just makes me want to scream. I love it :) Pixie

Monday, December 17, 2001

oh no he's losing control

Today was a very...different day. I had to get up early because my dad had to take my brother to work and then me afterwards. So...we went. M brother goes to school far away. *sigh* So I got to school later than I wanted. Nic was there. I hugged him, he started to cry, we took that stance until the bell rang and I had to go to class. Everyone's telling me that I'm making a huge mistake. Which confuzzles me, but....gotta do what you gotta do. Went to geometry...my teacher flipping hates me and I hate my flipping teacher. Ahhh. It was really cold second break. Everyone said my thigh highs and garters were damn sexy, but apparently I broke this rule. You're supposed to look shitty the day after you break up with someone. I wasn't notified of this so...I was wearing my boots and all. Second break was spent hugging Nic while he cried. It is the most horrible feeling in the world knowing that you caused someone so much pain, and you could fix it so simply, but you don't. God it was horrible, I started to cry. I'm sure it was a site, some little girl in big boots, who still has to stand on her tip toes to hug this crying person. Went to PE...passed notes with Cindi during reading time (don't ask). She said that she heard Robert saying that I broke up with Nic for him. Which is sorta true and it sorta isn't. Because, while Robert surely gave me the final push, I broke up with him for me too. I was telling her how I didn't think it would work out with Robert because I like him too much and it never works out with the guys I really like, and she was like "well, for thigns to work out they have to like you too..." I'm not sure what the fuck that's supposed to mean. Whatever. But I'm just going to ask him if he still likes me next time I see him, because if he doesn't then I'll just shut up about him and get over it. Isn't that what I'm good at?

This girl was getting dressed after PE by my locker and was bragging about how she's illiterate and doesn't read and all this shit, and I'm like, yay, stupid pride y'know. She was all "you have a hole in your fishnet". I turn around and she sees holes ripped everywhere and she's all...ooh...uhhh...okay. Funny shit. Stupid girl. We're playing soccer and I'm loving it. But our goalies are dumbasses who keep kicking the ball to the other fucking team. But, I love soccer even when we lose :)

Hmm hmm...after school Riana and I went with Paco. We went to Taco Bell, the drive through. He's never driven through one so it was a first, and he almost ran up the curb, but fine times. *laughs* Riana as like "gee, this is much more interesting than hanging out with Julia is!" We're like, no shit, lol. We're like, insane compared to her. Then we decide to get the car washed. So...we finally find one, almost killing ourselves, ahh! I went inside to get the ticket and spent ten minutes deciding what I would buy in order to get the discount. I finally bought Pringles. I get back in the car and Paco is all insulted because I got the 3.99 car wash. "Are you saying my car sucks? It only deserves a four dollar car wash? Not even four dollars! Three ninety nine!? Do you want to walk home?" As this is going on a guy approaches, staring at my fishnet and garter-encased legs (I was halfway inside the car) asking me if I have a cig. I say no and ask him how old he is. He says 21, so I ask him to buy me some and he's like, only if I can have two. No problemo with me. So, he does. Shway. We go through the car wash. Ahh! I love carwashes. Unfortunatly, Paco's Jack ball was a casuality. Well, live and learn.

We take Riana home and then realize that he was supposed to pick up his little sister 20 minutes ago. So we rush and we don't see her. We see Eden (when I went to the school she was on the dance team) so I'm sent out to ask her if she's seen his little sister (they're on the dance team together). Right as she goes "oh my god, Brittany, look at you!" I realize what I'm wearing! This is the girl who knew me back in the day. So, wo go off to find his sis and she's just getting ready to call on the pay phone. I grab her and we go into the car and Paco takes me home.

When my mom gets home she's in a horrible mood. Bad day of teaching, y'know? She's like ahh, I hate my kids, they're lazy and stupid, they deserve to be poor and live shitty lives, . She rants like this for a half hour, every now and then throwing in that people get what they deserve. Except me, I get more than I deserve. Whatever.

I'm so done caring. I'm just waiting for my uncle to get here and for everything to be fucking cool. I was telling him about the sexy blonde at Roma's and he's like...that sounds so familiar...where is it? I tell him it's across from UNLV and he's like no way, I used to go there all the time. And "Oh my gosh, I can't believe you're the kind of girl that hangs out at Roma's" and I'm like, what kind of girl is that? And he's like "three kinds of people go there. Gay, music, and theater." And I'm like, duh, all of the above. So, we're going to go there when he's here.

Nic called me and we talked and everything was really good. And he's like, if only it was like this before. And I'm like baby, no regerets, no apologies. That's how you have to live your life. So, I'm going to leave ya'll with a song. Seems to be a trend of mine lately.

I know it's hard for you
To understand what I'm going through
Now I sit here to remind myself
You're always dressed to kill
And you feel like you owe it to the world
But you owe it to yourself
And you're, you're not here,
And I can't stop pretending
That you're forever mine
And I
I can't dream anymore
Since you left
I miss you singing me to sleep
I can't wake anymore
Near your arms
I miss you singing me to sleep
Cheer up my friends all say
You're better off anyway

Pixie
Maybe I'm An Idiot

For wanting Robert. Number 17 on Fairie Chick's list of things that have pissed her off is "Pix, for wanting to be with Robert". I'm on her list twice, but Jah Love is on there five times and Justin is on there three, so there. *sticks out tongue* So I maybe am an idiot. Probably. Paco thinks Robert is an asshole. Giselle says that I should forget Nic, forget Robert, and find someone new. Robin shrugs and says "this is why I'm going to be a nun." Bah. I can't help liking him. I really can't, it's stupid. And I'm like, what would Sperm Girl do? (WWSGD?). Hehe, that's funny. I should give her a call. What would she say? Well, considering that her statutory rape boyfriend is living with her right now smoking out with her mom, she'd tell me to do whatever the fuck I wanted. That was the up side of our friendship, we were all about saying fuck the world and doing whatever the fuck we wanted. Slut power, right? I miss that. And smoking pot and making monsterously big chocolate milkshakes. Macaroni and cheese, Passions (the soap), living at the pool, falling in love with lifeguards, hanging out on her roof.

But, anyways, I can be nostalgic later. What I wanted to talk about was liking Robert. Actually, that one day at Fairie Chick's house we video-taped me talking about why I liked him (I didn't know it was being videotaped until afterwards!) and this is what I said "Physically I find him attractive, with his bright pink hair, blue/green/hazel eyes (I can't quite describe the color since this school year he has permanetly affixed red tinted sunglasses to his head), his pale skin. He's tall and thin, but not wirey or skinny. His goofy little smile. His skin. His hands and his hugs. The way that he cares, which is not like anyone else. The way that I can really talk to him for hours (or, we could back when he wasn't so busy). The way that I can look into his eyes and know exactly what he is feeling. The way that I don't feel I have to put up a front at all with him. I don't have to act like anyone, which is strange since I never act like myself" and I suppose I still do for the same reasons.

Honestly, I don't know what will happen with Robert and I. And right now I don't really care. Well, it's not that I don't care, it's just that I'm just going to let it happen, y'know? I need some caffiene, but we're fresh out. I'd go to the corner store and buy a drink but it's flippin cold out there, too cold for me. Maybe I'll talk my dad into leaving early and grabbing a starbucks before school tomorrow :) Pixie

Sunday, December 16, 2001

Best Sunday Ever

Sorta. I get up today...Nic calls me and we try to talk. I read him the letter I wrote, he's fighting it all the way. He thinks we can work it out, I know we can't. So, that's sorta that. He started to cry, I started to cry. I hate hate hate hurting people. It's the most horrible feeling in the world knowing that you hurt someone.

Paco calls me up and wants to know if I can go to the mall. I risk taking a risk and ask my mom. After questioning me about his driving she says okay. I just sort of stood there with my mouth hanging over. How crazy? My mom is letting me go out with Paco, while Paco is driving. So he picks me up and off we go. I only stole a bracelet and a pair of earrings. Then we went to Target to get some more shiznit (he was buying Christmas presents) and I spot three things I desire. Some garters, black, back-seam thigh highs, and fishnet thigh highs. I snag them all. We go home to Paco's house and I ate dinner there (yum yum! I stuffed myself) and watched Swordfish (that's such a great movie, and Halle Berry has the most awesome bod).

Came home and tried on my latest and greatest theivery items. It is, in my opinion, that no one can feel unsexy wearing them. You just can't. I have PE tomorrow but I don't really care, I'm going to wear my fishnets, garters, my home-made skirt and all that stuff. It's the greatest ever :)

Also, your best friend getting their liscence and having access to a car is the greatest thing ever. He's giving me a ride home from school tomorrow, yay. It is the most coolest awesome thing. You're all on your own with anywhere to go and everything to do. Although, there's a strange quirck about Paco's car. The driver's side door doesn't unlock from the outside, so whoever's riding shotgun has to open the car and unlock the doors. we didn't know which key it was and it took us forever to get inside the flipping car. Then he didn't know how to turn on the lights, but eventually we were successful and on our merry little way.

I'm adiosing now. Pixie
Can't Do It

Went to Rocky. Vivi couldn't come, so I just went to tell Nic that I couldn't go, but he managed to scrape up five bucks for me. Nathan was there :) Which was really neato because I love that guy to pieces and pieces. Robert was there too. So was Justin, Scott, Stephanie, Mickey and Marshall. Jude and Jenabe weren't, though (well, Jenabe came later). It was a really good show. Lots of naked girls. Nic got a lapdance.

Afterwards Nic and I went to walmart and I picked up some stuff and we got into a little...not even an argument. I guess an exasperated discussion. He's driving me nutso. My point of view: he over-idealizes me, he needs too much from me, I can't do anything wrong with him because he thinks I'm perfect, he won't fight with me, he won't say/do/think anything that may make me angry because he's terrified of me breaking up with him. He treats me like I'm some glass doll he's afraid of breaking. His point of view: he loves me, he cares for me, he can only be himself around me, he has fun with me, he thinks I'm perfect, I don't pay him enough attention, he's worried I want to be with other people, he feels as if he's walking on some fine line with me.

Ahhh! I'm just like, goddamn. I mean, I always pull away from kissing him. He's never once tried to kiss me because he's afraid I'll think he's an asshole and dump him. He won't tell me when something makes him mad because he's afraid I'll think he's too possesive and dump him. And I'm just going crazy. He thinks he knows me so well, when he really just has this impossible view of me in his head, and in his head I'm this girl I never wanted to be, not at all.

I'm breaking up with him tomorrow. He's a water sign, I'm a fire. I feel like he's just doused me and I can't do anything or be anything because I'll ruin his image of me and hurt him. This isn't a relationship at all. There's something wrong when you see your boyfriend getting a lapdance and you think "gee, I want a lapdance from that girl". I mean, really, come on. I'm breaking up with him tomorrow, yes yes.

Other than that, the night was pretty good. Oh, and everyone who lives in Vegas, come to see Rocky, please please? You can come say hi to me, see a good show. It's saturdays at midnight, five bucks to get in, on 3330 E. TROPICANA. Really, do come. Girls in states of undress, boys in states of undress, it's some good family fun.Pixie