Saturday, December 15, 2001

I grabbed my old notebook to write down that poem, and I found this:

Cutter cutter cutter,
Is there anything you won't do,
Anything you won't use,
To make the pain come through.

Cutter cutter cutter,
Arms covered in blood,
Face has no life,
Lungs filled with mud.

Cutter cutter cutter,
When will you stop,
When will you get better,
When is it enough.

Cutter cutter cutter,
Just take away your life,
Cut a little deeper,
Don't be a coward, use a knife.

Cutter cutter cutter,
Always wearing long sleeves,
Like an anorexic or alchoholic,
Hiding your coping means.

Cutter cutter cutter,
You worthless little girl,
Your body covered in scars,
You mind a tilt-a-whirl.
I'm so tired of living,
So tired of being so scared,
I just want to be normal,
Instead of mentally impaired.

I'm tried of cutting,
Tired of hating who I am,
But I feel as though,
No one gives a damn.

People say they love me,
What kind of world is this,
Where people love people like me,
Where people want my kiss?

I can't look in the mirror,
I know I'll hate what I see,
I hate my body, my face, my mind,
But what I really hate lies inside of me.

I want to hide away,
And curl myself into a ball,
Protect myself from feeling,
Put up a dirty brick wall.

I can't stop crying,
Can't stop feeling sad,
I can't stop kicking my own ass,
For doing something bad.

People think I'm happy,
So perfect and pretty,
How can they be so mistaken?
Why can't they see the ugly girl that is me?

I'm a fraud,
I live a lie,
I'm sick of this,
I want to die.
everything's so blurry and everyone's so fake


Eating and cutting, eating and cutting. My two greatest fears. I'm terrified of eating, of being fat ugly and worthless. I'm terrified of eating the same way I'm terrified of cleaning and drinking and using drugs and not-eating. Because they're all related to problems. Compulsive over eating, obsessive compulsive dissorder, alchoholism, drug abuse, anorexia, bulemia. And then you have self-mutilation. That's me. The less I eat the less I want to cut myself. The more I clean the less I want to eat the less I want to cut myself. I'm terrified of going into those loops. It's bad enough to be in this never-ending circle of wanting to cut, cutting myself, not wanting to cut - it gets worse every time. I can't handle having more things wrong with me.

Today I ate a lot. I had half a porkchop, and some sauteed mushrooms, a popscicle, two pepsis, and a little bit of lettuce. Yuck. I want to lose weight. I'd be happy with five pounds, ecstatic with ten. But then I'm terrified of losing weight and developing anorexia. Eating disorders and self-mutilation and everything else is tied so closely together, oh so closely. It's scary. Any one thing can throw you onto a loop and then you have even more to worry about. Am I being self-destructive or do I just want to be thin? Is wanting to be thin self-destructive? *sigh* My mom told me to clean the kitchen today. She and my brother went to the mall and the DMV to get him his permit. I didn't feel like going. So I loaded the dishwasher and wiped down the counter and swept and mopped and cleaned the microwave, oven, and dishwaser. Then I straightened up my room and started on my laundry. Am I just cleaning up or am I starting to be obsessively-compulsively clean again?

Maybe books do screw you up. I just finished this book, Insatiable. It's about four girls with eating disorders. Two anorexics (one who cuts, the other is OC), a bulemic (also a closeted lesbian), and a compulsive over eater. It makes me analyze myself and all my actions and everything I do say and think.

I didn't see Nic last night. But I'm going to Rocky tonight. Vivi will be there too. I called Kristen and left a message on her voice-mail telling her we're going, but I don't know if she's coming. I don't know if Robert will be there either. I almost hope so, but then I don't.

I've decided to stay with Nic for another week. Another week. To see if my feelings change. I don't know if they will, but it's a good idea, I think. And then, if I do decide that we should break up then he gets two weeks without seeing me, and I get two weeks without boys. I think I need that. Time to sort out my mind, y'know?

I can't wait for my uncle to get here, but at the same time I worry. What if he thinks I'm fat? See! Do you see this!? This is what worries me. I'm so afraid of myself, so afraid of myself and my actions and my words and what I do to myself. I'm afraid of everything I do, thinking that somehow it'll be self-destructive, and I'll be back where I wasn't. I haven't cut myself in what? A week? And ever self-destructive thing I do sets me back even further. *sigh*

My mom got some dishes. For years she's been on the lookout for good dishes. So, she bought four sets of five pieces (plate, small plate, saucer, cup, and bowl), along with a gravy and sugar thing. She wants to get six more sets, salt and pepper shakers, and at least one platter. They were quite expensive considering our current financial situation. But they're nice. She doesn't love them, which is good. She won't buy dishes she loves, because she doesn't want to be in tears when one breaks. Although with our last set of dishes, we've had them since the year I was born and we never broke one. My mom also refuses to buy something *too* nice because of my dad. See, we have Wedgewood, it's been promised to my mom since she was like, six. My aunt has it now at my grama's house. My mom won't keep it here because she's terrified my dad will break something. When my grama used to have dinner parties they wouldn't let him touch the plates. He never noticed, but he never touched a plate except to eat from it.

See, there's this story. My mom and grama were washing dishes one day when my mom was a teen. They were arguing. My grama dropped a bowl, my mom caught it, she dropped it, my grama caught it, it shattered on the floor. It was very expensive crystal, they both cried for hours about it. My mom can't handle more of those. She's already cried over two broken unicorns and one scratched TV stand.

Sorry, I'm babbling because I don't want to get down to my inner feelings. I'm scared of being scared of myself. I'm scared of having pills around, I'm scared of having food, I'm scared of not being hungry, I'm scared of cleaning, I'm afriad of doing anything. I just want to lie in bed and read books and not be afraid. I'm afraid of shaving my legs.

I definetly need winter break. Agh. This new song by Puddle Of Mudd, Blurry, is really good. You should listen to it. Oh, and Nic met Julio last night. Craziness. I talked to Julio today. I miss that kid, I really really do. I miss talking to him. He's trying to get over me. Turns out the kiddo that was waving to me is his little brother. I never would have guessed. Paco got his driver's liscence *does a little dance* Guess who gets rides home from school now?Pixie

Friday, December 14, 2001

Anxious

I got this horrible horrible anxious feeling. I hate anxious feelings, I hate to sound all new age-y space girl, but this feeling always ends up bad. Trust me. Ohhh. I checked all my e-mail accounts, everyone's blogs, and I can't find anything wrong anywhere. Hmmm. I don't know. Ahhh!

Brittany
I Feel Better

I feel better. The weather is great. It's cloudy and rainy and wonderful. But, I don't think I'm going to go kick it with Nic tonight because it's rainy and cold and I don't want to be walking around in that at three am. *stretch* And I read the next Daughters of the Moon book. I'm sorta sad because I've read 1, 2, and I have 4. I want to read three damnit.

It's hot in here. I'm going to go read some more. *yawn* Pixie
Life's Harder Every Day

Will you walk me to the edge again,
Shaking, lonely, and I am drinking again,
Woke up tonight and no one's here with me,
I'm giving in to you.
Take me, under, I'm giving in to you,
I'm dying tonight, I'm giving in to you,
Watch me crumble, I'm giving in to you,
I'm crying tonight, I'm giving in to you.
Caught up in life, losing all my friends,
Family has tried, to heal my addictions,
Tragic it seems, to be alone again,
I'm giving in to you.
I look forward to dying tonight,
Something on myself,
Life's harder every day,
The stress has got me,
I'm giving in, giving in, giving in to you.

Good song, too bad my brother's speakers aren't of the highest quality. Ahhh. Fuck. So, I go to school early because my dad let my brother sleep in so now my mom has to take me and she's pissed and mad at me because of it. And my dad ruined her Christmas so she's pissed at him and ick. I get to school and lay on the stage and it's good. Go to chem, talk to Vivi, get my grade. It's between an 80% and 86%, which is acceptable but since I had an F last quarter. Yuck. So, first break I just sit on the stage and it's good. Go to spanish, do horrible on a test and a quiz. Get my grade, 26.5% Fuck. I'm just in tears in tears and it's horrible. Go to English, make Vivi practice her grown-up handwriting and she writes on a worksheet my name and that I have an 83%. I ask my english teacher my grade and she says it hasn't changed (it was a 68%), so I'm going to tell my parents that she said to wait for her to put in the script and storyboard.

After school I'm there and I'm just feeling like utter shit. Yuck. In English I was crying and Jessica was holding me around my waist and petting me and biting me until I stopped crying. I hate making my friends do that. I hate being a burden to everyone. so...I'm just laying on the stage after school and Nic's like it's okay we'll fix your grades and that's such bullshit. You don't 'just fix' a 25 fucking percent. I'm going to turn in all my missing work and if he takes it great, if he doesn't whatever.

So, everyone is just so damn cheerful after school because it's the company player's christmas meeting, I couldn't handle it so I call my dad to come pick me up. Kristen insists that I wear a santa hat and take a candy cane (a Mexican one. The reindeer had green, white, and red antlers). I sit with Nic for a while. I leave, he asks if he can go out there and wait for me. I'm like, no, I'd rather you didn't. I'm a shitty girlfriend, I didn't hug him all day. I kept shaking away his touches. I am a shitty girlfriend, I'm actually a shitty person but that's not the point right now. Nic wnated to talk to me first break but I told him Vivi wanted to talk to him first break and I'm just like, I don't care, I dont' want to deal right now.

I'm waiting outside for my dad and AJ is there and he's like, oh look, a beautiful girl, I want that for christmas. He asked me why I was so depressed and so sad and I was like, life is shit, everythign is shit and he's like, I'm not, and I'm like, Okay, people who lick my feet aren't shit. *laughs* He told me to try to be happy because I'm loved by him and everyone else that knows me. He adiosed. I love that kiddo. :) He also knows the feeling of having to change your clothes at school because his parents don't approve. This morning my mom asked me who it was that I was driving around with after the concert. I told her Nick. I wonder why she brings this up. It worries me.

I'm so fucking depressed right now, what's my problem? I don't know. My feet are stinky, in case you wanted to know. Now, I'm going to go to the corner store and buy myself some ben and jerry's, and then I have to decorate the goddamned tree before my mom gets home to surprise her. You see, my dad fucked up and he knows it and he wnats to make Christmas good again. So he's making me decorate the tree as a surprise. Like that's going to make her less mad at him? Well, probably, actually. I hate decorating the fucking christmas tree. I always decorate the tree, every year, alone. Every year, ooh, we're going to get ourselves a nice small christmas tree and decorate it together. And every year we get a big tree and I decorate it by myself, and then I start to cry because I hate decorating the fucking tree and then I get a hold of myself and I finish and someone else puts on the star because I'm too short, even with a step stool.

I hate the holidays. It has been determined. And in spanish I bitched out Paco and I feel really bad, I actually siad "I'm PMSing and having boy problems so if you don't shut the fuck up and leave me alone I'll shove a big rubber dildo up your asshole". I said it loudly. Everyone looked at me. He left me alone until we decided to partner up for an assignment, lol. Pixie

Thursday, December 13, 2001

Crazy/Beautiful

Life is crazy and beautiful and it's so unimportant. It is so insignificant but we keep acting like it's life or death. Death is the easy part, it's life that is so hard. Everything is all upside down and I don't know what's going to happen and it scares me. See, Nic and I were talking and we were talking about my cutting (he saw two of the three new scars) and he realized that that's what I had been talking to Duck about (I had gone and curled up with Duck and had a cuddle with him and talked to him and I was crying. He felt bad (Nic did), because he feels that I should be able to go and talk to him about it. And I told him, Duck may not condone what I do, he may not approve, but he understands. He realizes that I'm irrational but that I think I'm rational in my own head. How? Because he's done it. He knows. And Nic made some comment about how he'd understand more than I'd think. And I'm like, what the fuck are you saying? And he's like, no no it's nothing I don't want to make you upset la de da. And I'm like, well, that's not fair. Actually that's pretty asshole. I sit there and I talk to him about my cutting and he won't even fucking tell me what it is he does? That's such bullshit. Is it easy for me to talk about my cutting? Not really. I can't do it face to face. I can not do it face to face or over the phone or anything like that without crying. It's hard. It's horrible. Cutting has fucked me up and fucked me over and he won't even tell me what it is that he does? Well, he did, and then he had to go.

And I needed to call someone, anyone. Just because I know I needed to be on the phone. So...I called Robert. And he's like, I know the secret to happiness? And I'm like what? And he's like, Dump Nic, go out with me. And I'm like, ahhh. And we were talking. And Nic had said earlier that maybe the only reason why Robert acts all caring is because he wants to have sex with me. But it's like, he's already had sex with me. If he just wanted sex our situation would have been much easier, y'know? And I was talking to Robert and I'm like, how do you know that we should be together? And I'm like, simple, because if we shouldn't then you would just hang up with me and la de da. And it's true. If I didn't want to be with him I wouldn't be in any situation right now. And I'm like, ahhh, everyone's going to hate me if I leave Nic for you. And he's like fuck everyone. What does everyone else have to do with my happiness? Nothing, nothing and I need to get over it, who cares? And he has to go.

So I call Vivi. And she says that while she loves adores and cares for Nic, and he's a great guy (he is), she thinks I should do whatever makes me happy, but she thinks I should think about it for a while first.

So, I call Robert back, because I need *someone* to talk to. And I'm like, ahhh! Y'know? And he says the same thing. I should think about it, talk to Nic, and then talk to him later. And I'm like, how is everyone able to be so fucking rational? Because I'm going insane. This is insanely crazy. And I'm like, why should I be with you instead of Nic? And he's like, easy, because he cares about me so much more than Nic ever could/would. And I'm like, Well, why's that? And he's like, I've been infatuated with you since the day I saw you, and it's true. He's liked me forever and I've liked him forever. Which is exactly why I don't want to be with him. I know, you're saying, what about the whole Jude/Robert/me thing. And it's like, okay, he didn't mean to. He feels shitty about it, and with any person but me it would have been okay. I'm just a pixie that's fucking insane and I think funnily, which is why it all upset me. And it wasn't so much that he upset me, or that he made me cry or he made me violent or any of that. It's like, I promised myself after CJ that I wouldn't get involved with someone that I liked. That's how you get hurt - you get involed with someone you care about. So I was more mad at myself for getting involved with someone I liked. I see that now. But hindsight is 20/20, of course.

Finally he's like, adiosing and I'm like, ahhh, and he's like, You're just going around in circles, You need to talk to Nic and you need to think, and I'll see you tomorrow. And of course he's right, that's exactly what Vivi told me. So I do the most logical thing. I call Vivi. And I talk to her for the longest time. And it's like, the more I talked to her the more we both realized that I can't be with Nic. Even if I didn't end up with Robert, I can't be with Nic! I mean, I was planning to go to Rocky to hang out with Robert, but it all just got messy and Nic ended up coming. And I was so relieved when Robert said that Nic had come and left, and I was happy and it was cool, and Nic came back. And it was like, ahhh. And I don't trust myself around Robert, and I've been wearing clothes that I know Robert likes (although he's been out of school with strep throat), and it's like this. So Nic really likes me, he thinks he's in love with me. He over-idealizes me and that flips me out on it's own. But, as Vivi put it, the longer I put it off the more it'll hurt for him. And you know how I hate to hurt people :( So, we ponder this for a while and it's like, Nic's a good great awesome guy. He really is. He is a sweetheart and I could go on and on about his good qualities, but the bottom line is I'm neutral about him. If he broke up with me I'd sorta shrug and that would be it. Maybe if we had gotten together back when I really liked him it would have been different. But we didn't, and my feelings never changed from the 'he's just a neato guy' mode. And it's like, it happened with Biscuit. We tried to make it work and it didn't because by the time we got together our crazy feelings were gone. And she's like, do you want to have to say the same thing about Robert? Well, no. And she's like, you gotta stop trying to make everyone happy because you're nice and sweet and you deserve to be happy too.

She started telling me how everythign worth it in life is scary. It's ooh, scary, what's going to happen, and that's what makes it worth it. Nic is stability. Robert is scary. Robert is I might get my heart broken, I might get hurt. Robert is I don't know what. And so we're like, I'm scared to be with Robert because I like him so much, and all things in life worth it is scary. Therefore, Robert's worth it? Or something like that. And it's like, well, her view is this. You shouldn't be in a relationship if you're not having fun, because isn't that was relationships are all about? Having some fun. And if it's not fun anymore, why bother? Even if it's neutral. Why be neutral. And it's like, 2 cool weeks with Robert would be better than 2 neutral months with Nic.

And he'll be hurt but, it's going to happen eventually anyway. I can't fight with him, what kind of relationship would that be? He would let me win every fight because he'd be afraid that I'd leave him or something. And he won't say when he's mad because he's afraid I'd leave him. And that would just suck. And he thinks I'm this perfect being. I don't want to be perfect for someone. I don't. I want to be great for them or a lot of fun but not perfect, because I'm not. People only think I'm perfect because they want to believe I am, and it's like, I feel like I need to act how they think I already do in order to make their expectations and it's all just icky.

But, it's all scary too, because it's change, it's unknown, it's....it's who knows what the fuck is going on. And maybe I'll go for it. I know I can't stay with Nic. Jessy used to say that if you couldn't see yourself having sex with someone then why bother. Well, just me kissing Nic is weird. Vivi and I were talking about that too, about how I can't kiss Nic because it's just too weird. I thought it was Bob, I thought Bob convinced me that kissing is weird but I can see myself kissing Robert. But then that's like, well, I had sex with the kid, of course I can see myself kissing him. So I'm like...what about Chicago? Or Venezuela? I can see myself kissing them too.

So, we'll see what happens. It's so crazy. I don't have any money left, I spent it buying postcards and chips and a drink for Vivi. And I have no money for Rocky and I don't know what I'm giong to do about that because I really wanted to go. And I didn't get my secret santa present for the company player's meeting. I'm giving an IOU, because I'm tired and I don't feel like walked around finding black nail polish and toe socks. Y'know? I'm not going to the Company Player's meeting. I just don't feel like it, but if anyone asks my parents said I couldn't go. And I didn't make cupcakes. And I don't want to piss my mom off.

Bleh. I don't want to find out my grades tomorrow. I really don't. And I hope that they're not hard to forge. Bah, I'm tired. I'm going to bed. Pixie
Ferris Bueler's Day Off

or, Pixie, Nic, and Vivi's adventure. I got to school early, just wearing khakis and this grey Levis sweatshirt I borrowed from Miss Pink, my hair in a ponytail. It was so weird because all week I've been in my boots. I was walking off campus and I saw Vivi so I waited for her. We walked to Jack in the Box where Nic was, no Bob. Apparently Bob was taking his GED, but he's a bastard and didn't want anyone to know and I'm really pissed at him. I mean, Jesus Christ, it's his girlfriend's fucking birthday. He didn't even call. So, we walked up to Barnes and Noble, but it was closed so we went to IHOP and ate and Vivi got happy birthday sung to her and it was cool. We went to Barnes and Noble and I got a lot of postcards and books and Nic got a CD and we were all in a good mood. Then we walked to Roma's and drank coffee and juice and read books and smoked and it was badass.

I love the people at Roma's. It's like a room full of theater kids from Boston. It's great. There was this girl, her name was Brittany. How do I know? Because some girl introduced her to her friend. She was tall and slinky (but still curvy) with this bleach blonde pixie flipped hair. Later I pretended to take a picture of Nic in order to take hers becasue she was just so cool and I want her hair. She was dressed in black with this fuzzy maroon messanger bag that had two fuzzy balls on it. Very cool. I'm like ooh, I want to fuck her and date her and be her.

Then we were walking t find some place else to go and we were a little hungy, when Vivi and I found out Nic had never had a gyro, so we went there and ate. We walked Vivi home, he walked me home. I called my parents from Vivi's cell saying that I had rehersal because Fairie Chick couldn't come. But, I got home at 4 and my mom was in a pissy mood and took it out on me. Surprise surprise. Where were you? Who did you get a ride with? Why? Why? We've talked about this so many times why do you keep doing it? From now on you can't do anything, not even rehersal unless you get permission previously. I'm not kidding. And then she was like "oh and you can just take the money and get the christmas presents since your father doesn't believe in surprise or christmas or shopping with his wife" and I'm like whaaa...? I figure she's just pissed at him so I came in my brother's room to write this.

It was a really cool day, but now she's saying how I need to get my grades tomorrow from my teachers, which is going to suck. And I have to get them Monday from my B-day teachers. I don't know my grade in chemistry, but I'm betting it's not that good, and last time I checked in Spanish I had a 25% and last time I checked in english I had a 68%. It should go up because of the script and storyboard, but...ahhh. So, I think I'm going to have to get them and forge them. I'm not worried about my B-days though. There's no reason for me to have bad grades in any of my classes. I need to have B's in all my classes. Ahhh, shit. Pixie

Wednesday, December 12, 2001

Guitar

My guitar is all I ever talk about. I can't help it. I apologize, because a lot of this will be about my beautiful gorgeous perfect guitar. My guitar can do no wrong. But first...I woke up today, and I put on a scandelous outfit. My mom told me I'd be cold. I shrugged and said I'd be fine. I get into the car and it's sooo cold, but I wouldn't prove my mom right, of course. So, before school we're all standing in the hallway outside the theatre doors and Nic wants to give me his jacket because he thinks that I *should* be cold, and I'm like no no. He said "Fine, then I won't wear it either." But he's a pansy so about two minutes later he put it on, lol. Then Ms. F came thank goddess. She had locked all the doors so we couldn't get into the theater. Every now and then she does this. Or she kicks us out because she's leaving. There should be school policy against this because I don't think the rest of the school could handle seeing a group of theater kids hanging out in the hallway. The last distintive occasion in memory was when gothic Drew and gothic Jessica took a rope, put a noose on each end, and put their heads in each noose. JD had a...well, a dildo looking thing sticking out of his pants and he was hugging people. It was a horrible scene for the school, a normal thing for theater. So, I think, for the best interest of the school theater kids should hang out in the theater.

Went to all my classes. Electron notation is so fucking boring. Senor L is still a bit of a pedophile. It's funny though. I cut myself in spanish. Well, more of scratches then cuts. Just with a safety pin. It was quite bloody. The kid next to me noticed, I think, and couldn't make eye contact with me all class. English was cool. We watched the commercials we made such a long time ago, and remembered how at the end of the video we were being silly and stupid and we're like, ahhh, hope she doesn't show it all. *laughs* She didn't. Also find out why Jessica, Fairie Chick's and I's grades are so low. Fairie Chick didn't turn in the storyboard or script because her mom took it to work on accident. That's fine and cool, but, she didn't tell us! Jessy and I are sitting there scratching our heads (and each other) saying why the fuck do we have such bad grades. Thank god Ms. D is such an awesome teacher and is taking it tomorrow. She *never* accepts late work.

After school I read through for Fairie Chick's part, met a new guy named Dave. Chicago is such an asshole and he hates Kristen and he's really mean and it sucks. Then Nic and I went up to the lightbooth. Nothing really happened. We talked a lot and I cried a little because we were talking about my little fear of failure. He asked why I stopped dancing, and y'know. So...yeah. We made out a little bit. Not really. Then he walked me home and we told drunken stories and I told him about my uncle and he thinks he's really cool.

I got home and called Gama and we talked about my guitar. So, I'm getting a black and white fender squier with a maple fingerboard. And it kicks ass. I know it's cheap but I love it, okay? Okay. You can check it out here: http://www.allstarcharity.com/lot00625.html That guitar is signed by Filter, mine's not going to be, but it's the same thing. We talked forever and ever all day about how badass it's going to be that I play. He's so surprised. And I'm like, it's so crazy, he's lived with us for almost my whole life, with a guitar (I remember at the third house in Summerlin he'd take out the tarantula and it would crawl in the guitar case when he played. *smile*) and I stayed with him for two summers in Boston where he went to Berklee school of music and I never picked up his fucking guitar. We were talking about it and he was like, when you wanted to mess with my guitar I was like okay, and then you wanted to play and I was like no way! And when I came home from work and you were playing I was like, that's so crazy. And it is.

And we talked about me playing and stuff. I know how to read tabs, but I want to learn how to read music, and he's like, well you won't really need to and I'm like, I just don't want to play like, Incubus and stuff, I'd like to play some jazz and classical too y'know. So I can be all bad ass and stuff. And so my uncle is like oh my gosh that's so cool. And I'm like yup, but I don't want to let anyone hear me play till I get to that badass point so that it's like 'wow, she's badass'. And it'll be great. I was telling him about how Nathan on my Bus wanted me to play bass, and I'm like why? And he's like, because girls who play bass are hot. So we started talking about how I'll be a cute guitar playing chick, with groupies, that likes to have sex and I can sleep with my groupies and not worry about remembering their name in the morning. And it'll be badass. So we're both really excited about. He says that he's excited for me right now as much as he was when he first got his guitar. It's so crazy, because he was 15 when he first got his guitar. I'm 15. He wanted to be all baddass, I want to be all badass. Then he got all badass, so one can only hope that I'll get all badass too. I'm so excited, I can't wait. I can so see myself in the near future getting in trouble and it'll be all like "Pixie, you're grounded, I'm taking away your guitar." Gama says soon I'll be locking myself in the room to play all day. When I'm happy I'll play, when I'm sad I'll play, when I'm bored I'll play. When I want to procrastinate I'll play. Oh yeah. It'll be hella cool.

I can't wait!!! Oooh. I'm going to get 10's for my strings. The guitar I was playing on in Boston had 12's, it was sorta difficult you know, because I've got these wimpy girly fingers, but it wasn't too hard. But...it'll be easier with 10s and I can always move up. Oooh ooh ooh, it's is going to be great. I think this guitar will be one of the best things to happen to me. Now, excuse me, I must orgasm all over my computer screen. Eep! I gotta go to bed early because tomorrow is Vivi's birthday and we're all ditching (we all being Vivi, Nic and I, and we're trying to get Bob to come with little sucess) so I have to get to school early so I can leave campus without getting shit from the monitors. Pixie

Tuesday, December 11, 2001

Rebel Girl

So, I got to school later than what I wanted (not my fault), cold (forgot my sweatshirt) and tired (stayed up late working on a special project), and all I wanted to do was find my boi and crawl into a dark corner with him, but that didn't happen. Grrr. However, I did get the new Incubus CD from S. Her stupid computer left off my favorite song (Aqueous Transmission) but it's okay. Thank you so much babe! World history was okay. We watched a boring video, I read my lesbian book, we went to do credit checks, I read my lesbian book, they never got around to me. First break I just hung out. Kristen asked me if I had had a chance to pounce on Nic since she read my blog. I told her no. She's like, no one's in the lightbooth now, go use it! So, she pulled a Kristen. She calls Nic over and she's like "I lost my contact in the light booth, why don't you help Brittany find it?" Of course she has her glasses on her head, and everyone knows she doesn't wear contacts. It was just funny, lol. Went to geometry. I have an 81% in that class, go me. It was boring. I read my lesbian book and got caught reading it. Second break Kristen told me that she sent Nic up to the lightbooth, so I went up there and I was sitting on him and we just talked and stuff. The bell rang...we decided to go to class but we were already late. As we walked through the cafeteria we saw Duck. Duck, oh my little Duck, where are you going? Then Ms. F appeared and asked us if we were going to class. We were like, not if you have something for us to do :) She did, she needed the set taken down. So we went and helped to that. Or sorta just watched Ryan do it and sorta help when needed.

I was telling Nic about how we're so unfated to be together. Scorpios are possesive and jealous, Aries are free-spirited and strong willed. And he's like ahhh, don't believe that stuff. Finally he comes over and is like lets talk, so we go sit on a chair and I'm straddling him and we're just holding onto each other talking. And he's like, I'm sorry if I seem posessive, it's just that despite what you think, everyone in theater likes you, and I know some guys more than like you and I get worried. I trust you, I trust you so much, and I trust most of them, it's just Robert. I mean, after what he said. It's just, I don't want to scare you, but I've never liked anyone as much as I like you and I don't want to lose you.

I giggled and told him not to worry, and we held onto each other and it was good. And I felt that I sorta needed to reveal myself in some way, if he had opened himself up shouldn't I? And, there was one thing I needed to ask. Stupid silly irrational fear but I needed to ask. I felt so stupid though that I had to write it down, lol. I was just like "you know, I've got this stupid irrational fear that no one thinks I'm pretty or attractive or whatever...but I need to ask...do you think I am?" And he's like, the only reason why I'd think that's stupid is because you are so pretty, you're beuatiful...and then a wall was falling and we had to go save it. So...yeah. I don't like to tell people about my fears. It's like admitting that I'm human, that I'm just like everyone else. It's leaving myself vulnerable. I've *been* vulnerable, I didn't like it. Also, Nic said that he's over being silly about Robert, but he was sort of scared for me, he saw how much Robert hurt me and he didn't want him to hurt me again. I was like, that's silly, I don't let people hurt me twice. I usually don't let them hurt me once.

I missed my bus, and then Bree (my brother's friend) was like, hey, will you read through my one act becasue fairie chick's not here? Sure. So, I went and did that. They asked me if I could keep doing it until Faire Chick can come to rehersal and I'm like, that's cool. I think it's good practice for me. I've decided to try out for Steel Magnolias. I don't really care if I get a part. Actually, I sort of almost hope that I don't because it forces me to face my fear of failing. It forces me to fail and not have an absolute breakdown. So, I hope I get a part or I pass my own little test because I don't want to have a breakdown, lol.

Afterwards S. and I went to Guitar Center and checked out the guitars and the drums for a little bit. It was super cool just to be around the guitars. Of course I didn't pick one up because, well, it's like DDR. Something nice to do at home but terrifying to do in public. Oh, new turn of events. My mom doesn't want my uncle to buy me the guitar. She was like "no, we are going to buy our daughter what she wants for Christmas". I think she's worried about her place in my life compared to my uncle. She knows that I can live in Boston and not want to call her or talk to her and be off having fun. And she sees me at home, and I'm always talking to my uncle on the phone or talking about him or whatever. So, I think it'll be like, she's no longer my mom if she doesn't get me what I want for X-mas, which is kind of a bummer because I was getting all excited that I'd get clothes for the holidays. Lol. Guess not, maybe next year :) the only really bummer thing about them buying my guitar is that now I don't get it until Christmas. Pixie

Monday, December 10, 2001

Is this so me or what? I love this site. www.astrology.com This is me and love :)
You know things intuitively as well as rationally and have a rare capacity to perceive in others feelings, thoughts and dreams they may never have openly shared. Anyone close to you would have to share your love of music and interest in spiritual thought. Your father was either over- idealized or he was rejected
as a role model. Either way, your concept of what a man should be is not based upon a mortal person, but upon an ideal. This may lead to unrealistic expectations in close personal relationships. Brilliant and original as you are, you can also be difficult and unpredictable. Close ties may complain they never know when you are going to show up or what you're planning next. You are easily bored and love people who can both stimulate and surprise you. Your love nature and your sexual nature are happily in harmony. You're comfortable with your sexual role as you perceive it and rarely go for any period of time without an intimate relationship. You need love, go after it and always manage to find it.There is nothing humdrum about the way that you love. You have a flair for the unusual and the creative and are drawn to those who shun the conventional. You shy away from those who tend to be over-possessive. Your love affairs are also wonderful friendships.

Bad. Ass. Did you know that not only have public pay phone prices have risen, but after 5 minutes that make you put in more money? Suck. Ass.



Sitting On the Back Porch

Smoking a cigarette. I had this urge, to go sit on the back porch and smoke a cigarette. So I snagged one of my mom's cheap ass cigs with like, no nicotine and no tar and nothing that should be in a cigarette, but she still buys them for 35 bucks a carton. *rolls eyes* I hate them. But, I was desperate (note to self: give Nic some cash to buy me real cigarettes. I light up and sit cross legged on the back patio. It's one of those days where it's clear blue skies, a slight breeze, but it's really fucking cold and your ass is freezing and you're glad you're not wearing a thong (I'm having a really bad period. Horrible cramps and wretched back pain, not to mention a constant head ache and all-over body ache. I save some regular panties for occasions like this, it makes me feel better, not sure why), but somehow everything is cool because you're sitting on a back patio, smoking a cigarette, squashing ants with little rocks and you just feel this calmness wash over you.

Then of course you go inside and turn your music really loud and jump around, screaming out the lyrics (and it really just sounds like you're being murdered or having really great sex) and you're just thrashing around, pulling on your hair. But it still all makes sense, so you gotta smile and start laughing hysterically and fall on the ground and put on some Ani Difranco to share in your quirkiness. Then you decide that it'd be a good idea to clear up some space on your comp, so you put many picture files onto disks, taking up three floppys and still having some pictures left over. You delete aimster and you feel good for being such an accomplished, super cool chica.

It's been a good day in the strangest sort of way. I went to school and chemistry and didn't pay any attention in class. I'm so lost. In spanish I got a quiz back. 5/50. But he's letting us retake it on Wednesday, as though I'll learn reflexive verbs by then? And then I found out that I have a F+ in english. Fuck. So I'm getting two unsats, and I think I may be getting an unsat in Chemistry too. My parents are going to be pissed. Fuck. But I don't care. I know, there's only three weeks left of the semester and then I'm done, how do I expect to bring up my grades? Fuck, I don't care. I've got two years to bring my GPA up to a 3.0. See, nothing matters now anymore because I'm going to UNLV, nothing matters anymore. I think I'll be a teacher instead. Once you get your masters you make decent money. I think I'd be a high school english teacher.

English was really good. Jessy was stroking my face and sitting on my lap (well, to demonstrate something, but still) and nibbling on me and kissing my shoulder and it was really nice. And then Fairie Chick came over with her Wheeties and we ate Wheeties and we were talking and everything was normal you know? Us just being stupid and silly and talking and it was great and I think that she's just having a bad time or something. I keep poking her boobs thinking she's wearing the gel bra, but she's not. It's her real boobs because she's on the pill. And I keep poking thinking it's her gel bra. See, I've been thinking about all these things that girls do that are so silly and funny that you do all the time. Like poking your best friends boobs because you think she's wearing a gel bra. I got a ride home with Miss Pink and her cutie pie friend...uhh..Jason? Micheal? something like that. He was the one that gave us a ride when we went to Justin's stepdad's house for Miss Pink to get her tat sketched. So, yeah. I left my sweatshirt in there. *sigh* last time I left my wallet.

Oh, Spanish. I've got this great lesbian book, I might have mentioned it, Valencia. It's a punk lesbian book all about dyke drama and drugs and sex and it's really kickass. In the first oh, three pages fisting is done. So, I'm reading it in Spanish and I was telling my Spanish peeps about it and they were like, ooh let me see. So they're reading it and it's all good and fun until Senor L comes over (he's checking to see who did their homework) and picks it up and is like "oh a book?" I'm like, fuck don't open it don't open it don't open it. There are just somethings a teacher shouldn't know about you. Like you read books about fisting lesbians. He didn't, but commented that it didn't look very educational. Whew.

Duck and I had a pow-wow second break and we're both feeling good. There were just some things we both needed to get out. Then I gave him my lesbian book and he was reading it aloud for Nic to hear and next thing you know there's like, six people in the room listening to Dustin saying "My whole hand. I saw my elbow, then my forearm, then her cunt. She had the fattest metal ring jammed through her clit hood". Turns out they just wanted some entertainment before Jenabe entered. She had videotape from after the final night of the play. There was Twister...and peopel running around screaming, and Jordan stripping and it was really just your normal run of the mill theater stuff.

A few people mentioned Rocky. Hehe. I think it's cool. I wish I had had more fun with the naked part, lol. I'm going again this weekend. I wouldn't mind performing again, but I really would rather know the movie better first, lol. Ohh, on my list of things to do: make out with Nic and show him how I like to kiss. It's not that he kisses badly, he's just inexperienced (or rather, he kisses like he's inexperienced) and that's fine. I just need one break with him to myself. I'm thinking Wendnesday because it's an A-day so I can wear my boots, making it more comfy height-wise for me.

In English this kid, Robert/Gremlin (not my robert) was like "you're wearing grey..." (I was wearing olive green loose pants and a grey tanktop. I told you, I'm having a bad period. Leave me alone). And I'm like "what's wrong with that?" and he's like "where's your black? your dark? your boots?". It's so funny because I'm like, two different people depending on if it's an A Day or B Day. Last time I wore jeans in Chem Ryan aksed me where my fishnets were and Brad asked me where my boots were. When I wore my skirt and boots on a B Day, Micheal in geometry was like "you're wearing black...and boots..and your hair is down" and everyone is all surprised. *smirk*

I think it's the lesbian book that's putting me in such a good mood, lol. It's really great, like, you know that everything in there really happened, it just had to have because it's that kind of book. Right now we're thinking my uncle gets me the guitar for Christmas so my mom can't say "you never play that guitar that cost us so much money!" (although my uncle knows that I'll totally be jamming out on it), and then my parents will get me normal Christmas stuff. It's basically decided. And once it's decided for sure, then my dad will take me across the street to Guitar Center and we'll pick it up, because my uncle wants me to have it ASAP. Yes yes yes. I'm so excited!

From my parents I'm just going to ask for some books, some CDs, and some clothes from Hot Topic. This is going to be the greatest Christmas ever, I think. God, I feel so good, I'm so happy. In Spanish I was sort of bummed. Robin noticed...she asked me how things were, I said good, she said I look happy, and then pointed out the keyword: look. But everything is good and carefree and I'm in love with Ani Difranco, I really am. Along with everyone else :)

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! It feels so good to be here and alive and slightly scarred but I really am Okay. I designed this dress in my head. It'd be pink ginham, a short dress, no waistline. It would have like, folded back white sleeves and a white collar. There would be a patch of Strawberry Shortcake material on the chest (like how overalls are? yeah) with two big white buttons that have red painted on them to look like a swirly after-dinner mint. I'd wear it with white knee highs with pink bows behind the knees, and pink sugar frosting ridiculously platformed shoes. It'd be great.

I love this. I love dreaming about pink sugar frosting shoes and warm kisses and marshmellows in your hot chocolate and fisting lesbians wearing doc martens drinking coronas. "It's only when you lose everythig that you are free to do anything" I don't know what I lost but it's certainly gone. Pixie

Sunday, December 09, 2001

Confessions

So tonights the night that everyone gets to find out everything. Starting off with how I got with Nic. Actually, now it just doesn't seem important, but...on Thursday (November 29) Vivi convinced me to ask out Nic after school. We couldn't find him and I had to catch my bus. So I called him and we ended up talking for like, three hours and I saw how great he is. He so looks up to John Lennon and was just saying how he wants to find his Yoko Ono that he can do everything with and be creative and groovy with. And I was like...awww. But my cousin called so I had to go. I wanted to ask him out, but I'm a pussy. I was just like "umm...wait a second...uhh...Nic...uhh...yeah...okay, I gotta go bye, wait! no...okay bye" for like, five minutes. The second I hung up I knew I had to call him back. So I borrowed my brother's cell and I was like "Nic, it's me, go out with me!" and he's like "okay, you got yourself a deal". And that's how it all started :)

And this is what I wrote in my journal from that fateful night I got grounded.
Friday, November 30, 2001
Ohh...my tummy hurts. I"m at Panda Express with Vivi and Nic. So this morning I got into a fight because I asked my dad if I could go to the Atari's concert so he was like, well, your mom fell asleep so we didn't discuss it, but okay. So he gives me some money and I give him Vivi's number. Then my mom appears and is like, "what's going on?" So, they dissapear and my mom is pissed because he didn't talk to her about it and blah blah, but it's like, she fell asleep and never talked to him about it, so it's her fault really.

It's Sunday now, but continuing on, some guy that we named Homeless Joe came up and asked us if he could eat the rest of our food when we were done. We left him our plates and 7 bucks and left because he was creepy. Then this little mexican girl stopped us and asked us if we'd buy this flower because they had no money for a Christmas tree or presents. So we did. Actually, Nic did and he gave it to me. We hopped up the bus and got off when our time came. Nic insisted on carrying my bag :/ It just bugs me because I feel perfectly capable of carrying my own fucking bag. I understand the concept of it, and sometimes I think it's cute, but mostly it bugs me. But, it makes him smile so whatever. We checked out this really cool record/CD store with all the music that we all love (with the exception of showtunes) and we were feeling really good.

We go to cafe Roma's and do you know who is sitting inside? Duck, S., and Chicago! Yeah! Duck jumps up and screams and I hug him. He lifts me up, I wrap my legs around him and SPLIT. Right up my pant's seam, ahh! I tie my sweatshirt around my waist and we sit down. We were drinking Poor Man's Mocha's and bumming cigs and stuff. Then Duck saw a friend of his, Ashley, who had an ID saying she was 20, so we sent her on a cig run. S had to take Chicago home so she left, stranding Duck who had been on the cigarette run for a half hour (there is a 7-11 across the parking lot!). Then Jude comes in! Duck comes back and Jude gave him a ride home. Vivi started smoking! It was so crazy, but we were at Roma's drinking coffee, so of course she had to smoke. Not to mention she's really low on Bad Ass Points. So we chain smoked and finished the entire pack.

At one point my backpack was lost which was super upsetting, but it was found. We were all in a down mood by then so we sat around talking about sad things. At 10 we walked Vivi home and went and sat down waiting for the bus (Nic and I). We talked and talked and he thinks I"m so great and we're both so happy, so it's all great.

Finally we said fuck the bus and he walked me home. It was about 11:15. I walk in and my abuelos are awake and my abuelo looks very sad and asks me to talk to my parents please. I quickly changed into some non-ripped pants and a long sleeve shirt when I hear my mom's door open. So...she coems in my room and she's pissed. She asks where I was and I told her that the concert ended at 10:30 and Vivi's dad was already there and he didn't wnat me waiting alone so he offers to give me a ride, but he had to drop off some othe rpeople first which was why I was so late. She then informs me that she called Vivi at 10:30 and she was home. Fuck. So I told her that after the concert I went to McDonald's with Nic and his dad gave me a ride home. She starts saying how she wants to talk to Nic's dad and go find that McDonald's to make sure I'm not lying and I'm like fuck, it's 11:30 at night no one is going to give me Nic's number, woman. Sos he starts telling me how pissed she is and how it's all she can do not to know me to the floor and how she wanted to kick the shit out of me and how she was going to set all my stuff on fire and send me to live in PDL with my abuelos. Fuckin' A. She leaves.

I wake myself up at 9am and call Nic and tell him not to call me under any cicumstances and I told him to tell Vivi the same.

The rest is just sort of rambling. Now, last night. Kristen calls me wanting to go to Blueberry Hill, but I thought my mom was awake so I said I couldn't go. I realized she was asleep so I called her back and we decided to go to Rocky. She calls me and tells me to meet them halfway, so at 10:00 I'm half in-half out of my window when the phone rings. Goddamn. I'm just going to turn the ringers off next time. Apparently Kristen couldn't go and Nic and Bob wanted to know if I still wanted to go. I said sure and decided to just meet them there. I tried not to bore myself too badly for the next hour and a half in the dark. I realized how hard it is to paint your fingernails in the dark because you can't feel your nails and you never know when you miss target. It was messy. But my nails are painted...sorta. So...at 11:30 I hop out my window and it's fucking insanely cold. I crawl past my brother's window and my parents window and realize that it's a bad idea to wear khakis when you need to crawl. Bummer. So, I walk to Rocky, experiencing only one scary Mexicans in Car incident. It's like, two minutes away from my house, so I wasn't expecting any, but ahh well. So, I'm walking across the parking lot and I see Robert and I'm like hiya. I was sorta expecting him because I had e-mailed him asking if I was going to come. He said that Nic and Bob had came and left. I shrugged and bummed a cigarette, and me, him, and a few other guys went behind the building to enjoy some peach shnapps and vodka. Fun. Yum. I'm a little neglected as they talk computer stuff. Finally this guy, Jesus (he looks like Jesus, everyone calls him Jesus, I don't know if he has a real name) is like 'let's talk about something ellse, you must be bored." Robert smiles and says "let's talk about sex!" Jesus was like "uhh, let's not because a friend is here." I turn around and there is Nic. Hola. He takes me away under the pretense of saying hi to Bob, but he's pissed and I can tell and he's all "did he say anything to you? what did he say to you?" and I'm like chill out dude. Y'know? Just..be cool. So, I'm standing around with them and Robert comes over and Nic reacts with typical guy syndrome. He puts his arm around me and starts stroking my shoulder. Uhhh. Jah Love used to do that whenever Venezuela came around because he felt threatened by him. It bugged me then and it bugs me now. It's not like Robert doesn't know we're going out and it's not like Nic owns me. It's just one of those things that drives me crazy. I decide I need another drink so Jesus takes me in the back again when Scott appears. Scott is my personal Teddy Bear in a Trenchcoat. He's harmless but big and he tickles me. One of the first people I really clicked with in theater last year. He graduated though, and I miss him to pieces. So...he pulls me away quite forcefull and goes "hey, wanna be Janet?" and I'm like, "I've only seen Rocky once!" and he's like, "we're desperate. It's not like anyone expects you to be great." Before I really answer I'm thrust in front of the ticket lady and Scott's like "here's our Janet". The lady, Megan, was really nice. She asked me what my name was and how old I was. "Scott, how old am I?" "She's 18 of course" "That's right, I'm 18". *smirk* So I pay for my ticket and get sent down to Jasmine. She helps me get into my costume and tells me when to change and what to change into. Lester, a cappy, played Brad and was like "have you ever played Janet before?" I revealed that I had actually only been to Rocky once. He said "oh fuck". My sentiments exactly. The show had a while to start so I went to talk to Robert in my hat, purple outfit, adidas and alien socks :) I didn't get to tell him all the things I wanted to before he decided to bail with Jesus and Co. to smoke pot or whatever. I was like, grrr! and I stomped my foot. Jesus was there and he's like, "what's up?" and I'm so aggitated, I'm just like "you see? You see, this is why we could never be in a relationship. Everything else and anything else is more important than me." He just sort of shook his head sadly and was like "that's not what I heard". Then Nic appeared to tell me we were going to start. Show time.

Oh my god I was so nervous. Ahhh! Lester would whisper to me where to go, what to do and I just moved my mouth whenever Janet was talking. The songs are easy to catch onto though, so I could actually sing some of them. It actually went really well, despite a major cast shortage. When I was supposed to be having sex with Marshall (Frankenfurter) I was having sex with Scott (Eddie), some random guy was having sex with Brad. Some old overweight guy played Rocky and he's like, okay in this scene do what I say when I say it, and I'm going to be grabbing your boobs. You're 18, right? Of course. So, we did it and I'm just like, ahhh god. But he was really cool and he was like, you're doing great, you're doing so great. What's your name again?

Everything was fine until I found out what I'd be wearing for the last part. Or, actually, what I wouldn't be wearing. Ahh. Basically I wasn't wearing anything. Just my bra (with Janet's bra over), a little lace up top, my thong, and that's it (well, my adidas and my alien socks, of course). And a boa, which I would get rid of soon. Oh. My. God. You just can't tell a girl who hates her body, who has old scars and new cuts and fat ugliness holding on to all of her body that she has to get naked. Ugh. I was like "oh my god scott you didn't tell me that I'd have to get this naked! I don't remember Janet being this naked!" and he was like "c'mon Brittany, I've seen you in duct tape. You can do this, you're 18, you can do whatever you want!" Fuck. So...I went and I did it. Nic later told me I looked in a bad condition when I first got up there. I'm sure. I don't remember actually really doing anything. I'm supposed to be wiggling around and playing with my boa but I just sort of walked around trying to be cute and not cry. And then the boa went bye bye and I lost the only thing that was keeping me from going insanely nutso. I didn't freak out and I didn't cry but oh gosh. Maybe if I had had some time to prepare or something...then it would have been okay. Well, it really wasn't so bad. By the time I lost the boa I was like, okay, hairy chubby lester is wearing fishnets and tighty whities, it could be worse. So it was more of me just laughing at myself but sheesh. It was hard on me.

Actually, I had a really really good time. It was super fun and cool. I always wanted to do Rocky at some point, I hadn't really wanted it to be on my second time there, but y'know, it happens. Everyone said I did pretty good all things considering. Afterwards Bob, Nic and I went to Denny's, where we hung out very bored until we walked home at 5am.

Today was spent doing Christmas errands with my mom. I'm soo tired! We went to the library, washed the car, got the oil changed, got the christmas tree, made a wreath, fixed the outside lights and just all this other crazy stuff. I wrote Robert a letter saying all the things I didn't have a chance to say on Saturday. I was completely honest with how I feel. Maybe not the best thing to be, considering he could just print it out and show Nic, which wouldn't be good. But, I don't think he will. I told him...y'know, I really liked him, he's got a place in my heart but he made me cry and he made me hurt myself and those aren't things I can forget. And so maybe I don't feel so crazy for Nic that I felt about Robert, but Nic is stability and with him I know where I stand. So, that's taken care of.

I talked to Nic and he's still blah about Robert. Robert just really pisses him off, understandably so. He's like "no no, don't get upset, don't get upset" but I can't help it. I don't like to see people being angry at each other, especially when the cause is me. Too much anger in this world already, people shouldn't be adding more because of a silly girl like me. I also talked to my uncle about my guitar. It's been determined that I should get a Fender Squier ($200). He's going to talk to my dad about it. But...I told my mom and she's like, ahhh, so expensive for something you'll play for only 2 months. I'm like fuck you bitch it's my Christmas present. So my uncle and I are thinking that maybe he should get me the guitar for Christmas and my parents should get me something else so they have no bitching rights. He's going to get me a tuner and when he's down here we're going to tune my guitar every day and then he'll fuck it up and I'll tune it again so I learn how. And every day I gotta restring my guitar so I learn how to do that too. Because I'll have no fucking clue without him. And it's just really cool. He got his first guitar when he was 15 :D He says if I keep up the guitar for...however long (hasn't been determined yet) he'll buy me a Fender Strat. $700. I told my mom and she flipped. But then she calmed down because after all, I'll only play guitar for 2 months. *rolls eyes* Then she came to the conclusion that last Christmas my brother got a Playstation2. Just a PS2. It cost them 300 bucks (50 more than retail) and was an utter pain in the ass to get. They didn't have it until Christmas Eve. My aunt was in San Francisco and she met up with an acquaintance who had bought the PS2 hella expensively for his kids for Christmas. Well, he owed her a favor so she made him sell it to her. And that's how he got it, and he never fucking plays it. He owns two games, one of which he play s on the comp instead and the other which is lent out. So, as my mom said, if we can get your brother a PS2 for 300 that he never plays then I guess we can get you a guitar for 200 that you'll never play.

Damn right you whore. Can you tell I talked to my uncle? We have the same conversation every time, about how I need to stop listening to her and need to stop letting her get to me because I don't give a damn about her opinion but I can't stop caring. Ahhh. And we talked about the one issue that has been gnawing away at me, which I'm going to talk about here. Disclaimer: this is about Fairie Chick. If you don't want to hear this about yourself or your friend or your ex or whatever Fairie is to you, then don't read it. I'm just writing it because I need to.

See, she's supposed to be my best friend but we haven't talked in such a long time because we're both grounded and busy. Well, she's been doing things to really hurt me, that are so out of charecter. I don't know if that's her way of saying she doesn't want to be friends anymore or what, and it's like, that would be okay. But she doesn't have to be mean. The day of the One Act auditions I couldn't make it because I had chem stuff to do. Vivi said that she heard if you weren't in a One Act you couldn't be cast in Steel Magnolias. I really wanted to try out for SM, so I asked Fairie Chick, my best friend and my insider of all things theater to see what was going on. She basically told me that it didn't matter because I wouldn't get casted for SM anyway. I was so in shock because...well, that's so unlike her and that's so unlike the people I hang out with, y'know? I mean, if she had come to me and was like, Pixie I want to do synchro at the Olympics, what do you think? I would have been honest and told her she probably wouldn't make it but I'd help her in every way I could because I know more about synchro than she does. That's what I would have expected her to say "ohh, well, so many people are trying out so you may not have a chance, but I'll help you with your audition" or something like that. And that really hurt me. I know, I'm just oversensitive and stuff, but I can't help it.

And then, my skirt. My kickass awesome skirt that I made. She was like, oh my gosh cover yourself up, and I'm like what? and she's like, I'm going to get some duct tape and tape up that slit. I was in such a state of shock I"m like whaa? do you not see how you come to school every day? (corsets, bondage, very short skirts, she's not a conservative dresser in the least). I was all confuzzled as to why she'd say that. Because I really liked the skirt. It certainly wasn't the most revealing thing I've ever worn (actually, the slits are only an inch shorter than fingertip length). So...I was like, hmm...why would she say that? Kristen and Jess thought it was a kick ass skirt, y'know? So finally I was like, maybe that was her way of telling me I shouldn't wear it because...ahhh...it didn't suit me. And that made me angry because, sure, I don't have her cute little body but it just wasn't that bad and there's no reason why I shouldn't wear it.

And now in her blog she's saying how she's over Francesca Lia Block (the thing that sealed our friendship) and she's calling Duck a homewrecker because he likes/wants Anthony. Me and Duck sit there scratching our heads because wasn't it her having sex with Jah Love while she was with Anthony? Y'know, if the home is wrecked she did it herself. Anthony doesn't even know that she had sex with Jah Love period. So...I'm just going nutso.

But hey hey, I'm happy damnit? No more self-pity down on me entries. I just had to get it all out of my system because I haven't really been able to talk to anyone. Pixie
Oh my gosh, I went to Rocky last night, and somehow Scott convinced me to play Janet. Ahhh. So I did. But...hey...I had had a little bit of vodka to calm my nerves, y'know? Remember that I've only seen the show ONCE before. Somehow I forget about just how naked Janet gets at the end, when she's running around in nothing but panties and a bra. I was just wearing an itsy bitsy thong. But I couldn't back out halfway through the show so...I did it. God, the most nervewracking thing ever. First of all, I don't really act. I never have acted, it's not my thing. Second of all, if I were to act I'd hope to have some time to memorize my script and blocking and la dee da, so I suppose it wasn't under the best circumstances, but it was pretty fun.

I was like "Scott, you forgot to mention how naked I'd be getting!" and he's like "because I knew you wouldn't do it. I've seen you in duct tape, c'mon, you can do it. Remember, you're 18, you can do anything you want" (I had to say I was 18. It was so funny, the lady was like "oh good, you'll be Janet? How old are you?" "I don't know, Scott, how old am I?" "She's 18, of course." "Of course, I'm 18." Well, I'll tell you all about the night late because I've got shiznit to do with my mom for Christmas.

It was definetly...an experience though. I felt really bad for the people there because I was playing Janet doing a horrible job I'm sure (everyone said I did really well but y'know...) and the girl playing the maid was up for her first time too (although she'd seen the show a lot). Gotta jet. Pixie