Thursday, November 29, 2001

I'm going out with Nic...can't tell you all the details now...I'll tell you all about it tomorrow...or not, because I won't be home till late. But eventually I'll tell, I promise. Pixie

Wednesday, November 28, 2001

Just A Stupid Teenage Girl

Fuck, I just read in S's diary that apparently Bree's journal adress has gotten all over the theater. I haven't heard anything about it but if that's true then that's far as I knew only me, S, Super Ego, and Kristen had it. I don't even know if Fairie Chick had it. So...we'll see what happens with that. Today was a very strange day. I just realized that the 'volume' thingy on my alarm clock controls how loud the 'beeps' in the morning are. Well, it was at full blast this morning, good thing because I so needed it to get out of bed. I'm such a stupid teenage girl. Last night I did all my homework. All of it. I even studied. So...I get up and I put on my boots and my clothes and stick my hair up in a pen and I'm ready on time for the first time in a long time. Well, then my dad, who was ready, had to find something and spent ten minutes finding that.

Chemistry was funny. Vivi told her favorite joke and started laughing so hard that Mr. Chemistry gave her a dean's referral for "being stupid". My lab partner, Rena, a guy whom I never really knew (but funnily he was my lab partner, he was in my work group in geometry and also in my english class) is gone, so now I'm always alone in that class. Ryan, who used to tell me how he was going to kill me when I was in middle school (a great way to feed into my depression, yeah) sits at the table behind me, and he's actually pretty cool now. Who is supposed to sit next to him is Shane, a cute funny guy. But five school days ago he was gone to get a CAT scan (there's a lump in his neck) and he hasn't been back since. I don't have his number, but I'm worried. We were all joking about it and he was saying how he didn't want to die a virgin and I was saying how I'd have sex with him and we were just kidding around...but...ummm, it wasn't supposed to actually happen.

Spanish was okay. I just kind of sit there and be quite, but I actually did my homework. English was okay. I just sit there and talk to Jessy and Vivi. The breaks were both just okay. I don't know, I just sort of sit there and listen in on other people's conversations. Robert came and talked to me today which was weird. Everyone has been acting so apathetic lately. After school I saw Jah Love, he was looking sorta...well, not good. I asked him what's wrong. Mrs. F (the drama teacher) had her truck stolen. Someone came into the theater and took her purse and drove off with her huge truck. Her purse was found at the mall. I'm hoping hoping praying that a kid didn't take it. We are constantly getting kicked out of the drama room. All the time because of shit happening. A condom gets blown up, a cell phone gets stolen. Considering the coldness of the weather now's not the best time for it.

Took the bus, came home to an empty house. Yay. I think it's good great and fabulous. My abuelos are still in town, I'm not sure where they ran off to, but they're not here, which is fine with me. I love them oh-so-much, but I miss having an hour or so after school to write in here and collect my thoughts.

I feel so utterly blah. Apathetic, I don't care, I'm just another stupid high school girl. Except I'm fat too. I am just another stupid high school teenage girl and I'm fat. I have a 1.3 GPA, I'm taking all honors class, I have potential, but I'm stupid and lazy and fat and fucked up in my head. All I do is look around at everyone, at everyone so skinny and everyone so happy and normal and nice. I'm not even nice anymore. I can't even say that I've got that going for me, I'm not sweet or naive or a fairie. I'm stupid ugly lazy and fat, and I'm so incredibly normal. But then I look around at everyone looking so skinny and happy and normal and nice and wonder if they're really anorexic and depressed and abnormal and bitchy and they're just like me except that they hide it so much better.

In the Maxim or Cosmo I got (don't remember which one) it had this guy in it and he had one of those razor-blade necklaces on. It makes me not want to cut because cutting is now so fucking trendy and it makes me sick. It makes me physically ill to see that. I haven't been talking to my parents lately, but I see them more than ever. I hid out in my room last night until my mom came home and I watched them eat dinner and I sat on the couch for like, a half hour, not saying anything. I don't know why I don't want to talk to them, or anyone actually. I haven't really been talking to anyone. I just don't have the energy, I suppose. pixie

Tuesday, November 27, 2001

It's Been A While

So, a lot of stuff has happened. Saturday night I snuck out. Brrr, it was flipping cold and I had to wear my bowling shoes. It was either those or my boots and I wasn't about to wear my boots. So, I sneak out and it's windy and rainy (gorgeous weather in the daytime, bad for sneaking out) and I head to Vivi's place. I'm thinking hey, she doesn't live that far away, right? Soooo wrong. Incredibly wrong. It's a good thing I didn't wait for the bus though, because not one bus passed me in the forty minutes it took me to walk there. "Fuck the bus!" One badass point for me. So, we go and chill in front of her house but we get a call, Nic had to work late so we go inside and listen to showtunes. Yay, I've got a showtune buddy. So, finally Jonna comes with Nic and Bob and she hasn't got windshield wipers so we're like, ooh no, oh well. So, she takes us to Rocky but we see Cookie standing outside and...well, they don't dig Cookie so we decide to go to Blueberry Hill but at some point we changed our minds and went to Shane's house. I don't know how or when that decision was made. As Nic said "this is just like our phone conversation, except I can't pretend to pay attention". So, we go to Shane's. I've never really talked to Shane so it was a new experience. We put on the breakfast club, which is a badass movie we can all appreciate. At some point we decided it would be a good idea to go to 7-11. That was before we left the house.

Brrr, but we're so fucking badass we walked anyway. Oh, the warmth of a 7-11 is so appreciated. I get a little lime green sour apple slurpee and watermelon sour punch (a new flavor for me, it's very good by the way). And we head out. Nic and Shane and Bob wanted to go to Albertson's to fuck with the intercom. They said I had to play some badass part but it didn't involve me showing my tits so I was down with it. But, Albertson's moved so we decided to go home. As we're walking Shane says that I have a nice ass and Vivi was like "Shane! Don't hit on Nic's girlfriend!" and the whole are we or aren't we going out thing came up. To dispel any theatre rumors you've heard: no, we're not. So, Shane and I eventually started talking about sex which became our little bonding thang, since we were the only non-cherries there. We get back and Nic's acting all bummed out, but we bust out a guitar, and we come up with what is destined to become a number one single. Bitches in the kitchen, get the fuck out of my kitchen, fuck the manatee, creatures of the sea. It'll be like Rocky with audience participation. When we say "bitches in my kitchen" you say "make me a sandwhich!" when we say "fuck the manatee" you say "dolphin safe tuna!". Oh yeah. At some point Shane puts on my stolen Ren Fair ring from Jah Love. Bad idea. I forgot about it, but a half an hour later he says "uh oh". We tried mayonaise, soap, water, butter, we even busted out the lube. It was stuck. Fuckin' a! At 5am Vivi's sister came and picked us up and took me home.

Sunday was boring. Monday was yesterday. I went to school and Fairie Chick gave me my hella cool earrings. But Kristen lost an earring and was afraid of her ears closing up so I let her wear them and she gave me her one. It happened to be a piercing earring (from an evil piercing gun), so I was like hey hey, why not get someone to repierce my left ear because it's half-closed up. Kristen tries, she gets squimish, as does Nic, Josh H, and Super Ego. Finally I get Jennabe to do it, and she does. Sweet. I also gave Jah Love two hugs, weird. Went to chemistry. Found out that Bob and Mikal got grounded. How, you ask, did Mikal get grounded when he wasn't even with us? Well, Bob told his mom that he was staying the night at Mikal's house, and Nic said he was staying the night at Bob's. Well, Mikal was out with Robert, so when someone's mom called Mikal's house and he wasn't home...parents got called and Mikal's parents think he was off fucking around somewhere with Bob, so, he got grounded. Why Nic and Bob just didn't say they were staying the night at Shane's house? I don't know.

Well, after class is over I'm waiting for Vivi to get her stuff and I start singing the Bitches In My Kitchen song. She actually fell on the ground laughing, it was great. Spanish sucked. I never found my packet and didn't do my homework either. English was fun, but I didn't do my vocab. Apparently when you were supposed to turn in the essay you picked up the vocab. Since I didn't do the essays...yeah. After school I decided to go to Canton's Chinese with Vivi. After much confusion I ended up going to Blueberry Hill with Robert, Nic, Josh J, and Bri (Jah Love's ex. Oh, btw, they had to break up because Jah Love's mom is not down with him, a senior, dating a freshman. He's gone through various flavor-of-the-weeks. Hmm...). It was hella funny. Vivi joined us soon. Nic went and bought cigs for Robert (yeah, Nic's only 17, but hey...whatever). And he was smoking, which is quite a strange sight. But I'm all like, yay, now he can buy me cigs. Yummy cloves :) I told everyone my story of smoking, how I met a chick and she was oh-so-sexy when she smoked. Josh J said that the same thing almost happened to him.

We all went to Smiths, I picked up a Maxim and a Cosmo. The cashier was mumbling on about how teens are always buying magazines, reading them, and throwing them away, what a waste. And I was like "yeah, no, you see I just get them for the girls, I cut out the pictures and then throw them away." Badass point for Pixie. Nic also picked up a Maxim. We were sitting on the school lawn, telling each other what pages to look at. Vivi was like "see, you guys can even watch porn together!". Oh. My. God. Vivi has this joke that she thinks is the funniest thing in the world. She laughed at herself for like, 7 minutes straight before she even said the punchline. Just watching her laugh makes me laugh and want to piss my pants. I've got to record her laughing, she just goes on and on and on, it's great. Q: why did mcdonalds stop serving milkshakes? A: because the milkshake machine was mcbroken! Dude, she laughs so hard every time she tells it. And everyoen laughs just because she's laughing so hard.

Finally I came home and did my homework and stuff. Today was not so fun. Went to geometry I gave Stevan my maxim (and ooh, I finished the cover of my journal, it is so so naughty I'm afraid to take it out at school). My geometry teacher noticed it later on and was like "maxim? What's that?" Someone yelled out that it was a men's magazine. I was just sort of sitting there like doo da, it's mine. I feel like such a guy sometimes. In PE we played field hockey for the last half of class. Oh it was orgasmically great. Sometimes I wonder if I've got some testosterone in my blood or something. I came home with bruised knuckles and a hurt shin, but I think it's the greatest thing in the world. gah, but some girls actually expect you to stop playing when you hurt them or they expect you to stop playing when you get hurt. Bullshit! Keep playing. Our goalie and defense sucked (I didn't pick them, I swear), and Cindi wasn't playing at all. Leaving me and Julie, an unathletic girl who isn't agressive at all to try to play for the team. Running up down up down defense offense, it was so kick ass. I kept yelling out "play like men!" but no one got the picture. God.

Came home...that's sorta it. Dude, I so need some sexual gratification. Me and Cindi were talking about how crazy we were getting. She's a nympho that hasn't had sex in two weeks. I'm a pixie who just...hasn't had sex in a long time and hasn't masturbated in an even longer time. But, last night, I got off. It was horrible. I orgasmed before my fantasy had even gotten a nice kickstart. No clothing had even come off yet! It's like watching a disney movie and feeling sexually fufilled. It's just soo not right. Jesus. I was very very bummed out.

Julio...he's self-admited infatuated with me. The bet is off. Everything is crazy. I don't know I don't know. Ahhh. It's like, ahhh. Y'know? I feel so shitty. I mean, life is cool and good, I guess, but...I don't know. I keep looking at my wrist and my scars and saying it's so easy to do it again, it's so so easy. Some scars on my hip are fading fast. But I don't want them to go, almost. I feel so ugly with them but I feel so incomplete without. You can't even tell what the scars on my leg used to say, you can barely see the "worthless" that was on my abdomen. I've already finished off my lunch money for the week, which is a good thing. I shouldn't be eating. I ate so much today, like, I started my day off with a Pepsi and had another one that day, a bag of chips, a muffin, I feel so icky fat fat ugly. My weight is going up and I look in the mirror and I see fat fat ugly bad. So....I'm putting myself on a diet. I'm getting my fat ugly ass back down to 120 and I'm staying there because I don't like where I'm at right now, not at all. I can totally do it.

My mom's been cold and short with me lately which is a bummer because we got close over thanksgiving break. Before she started being short with me she revealed that she thinks my dad is going to divorce her once I graduate. I almost feel pressured to spend more time in school living here so that doesn't happen. Bah. My grades are, I don't know right now. But I'm really liking geometry, sorta. I don't know, I've been doing my homework in my classes and stuff and I almost feel like I'll be able to pull it off. I'm going to get my grades on Thursday and Friday. Whether I show them to my parents or not? I'm not sure yet. Depends what they are. Pixie