Friday, November 16, 2001

The Odd Couple

Today was a very good day. Well, except for that part where I started the day off with a "Oh my god Brittany, you look like shit" (love you too Vivi). I got an 86 on my chemistry test. My mom asked me if I could retake it. :/ "It's not that a B isn't good enough, it's just that we expect an A". That makes me so angry. What the fuck is her problem? Talk about psychological damage. My whole life people have told me how smart I am and how lucky I am that I don't have to work hard for my grades. Then it's try your hardest. Then it's, B's aren't acceptable. Then I'm smart but I'm not *that* smart. Goddamn, why can't they make up their minds? Gah. I also found out I was supposed to Cappie a show. Kristen said she'd go with me, and Mikal was scheduled to go too. I need to study for my spanish test, it's supposd to be really hard. English sucked. I got put into a group (random selection) with computer-illiterate Manda. gah. I was the only one that finished my part. Grrr.

After school we had an assembly and then I was supposed to get help in chemistry. Well, Bob was at school, so I opted to go to get food with Bob, Vivi, Char, Nic, and Kristen. These kids in front of us were mooning us. Well, one was, he had his pants and boxers pulled down and was walking with his ass out to the world. Not too pleasant. I mean, it was a nice ass and all, but, still....we get to the Chinese place where it's discovered that none of us have any money and no one was planning on eating. How come we didn't find that out earlier? So, we decide to go to Blueberry Hill. The waitress actually said "oh no" when we walked through the door. She was acting like an all-around bitch, but we gave it back to her three-fold. Or, Kristen did, lol. Mostly by spitting ice at people and missing, and licking sugar from the table (well, it was an honorary pile of sugar for Cupcake, because we had sat in that exact booth and he had stolen the sugar, but then she started licking it). Nic, Kristen and I went ouside when a car drives by with Fairie Chick and Ant in it. So, we did the most logical thing. We ran after it to the light and we chatted with them for a while. There was this couple in the van behind them and they were like "man, you just made our day". Yay.

Then we went to Smith's. There was this whole fiasco where Kristen hit Vivi and knocked her over, popping her knee cap. She was in major pain. And then Vivi hit Kristen. And somehow they all ended up in the flower booth, lol. We went back to school, snuck into the theater to get our stuff and prepared to walk home. But, I guess my dad was shampooing the carpet which is why he didn't answer the phone, so he picked us up pretty quickly, yay. Well, I came home and took a loonggg nap. My dad woke me up at 5 to get ready for cappies (if you don't remember, a cappy is a high school theater critic, I am one, yay). Mikal calls me and tells me that Kristen has to cover for him because it's his parents anniversary. I call Kristen, she can't come. I called Vivi (our head cappy) and left a message on her voice mail explaining the situation and went on my merry little way.

I wore my boots, a black skirt, and a black top. We have to dress "nicely" and we've got to be in dresscode. I've got to wear boots unless I'm wearing pants, so I just shrugged and hoped it was appropriate. We find the school and I get out. A guy approaches me and asks me if I'm a cappy. I answer affirmative so he takes me to one area, where another girl finds me and takes me to the cappy room. There are three other cappies there. Joey, a hilarious gay guy, and two chicks. They were all from the same school. We watched the show, The Odd Couple (female version), it was hilarious. If you live in Las Vegas and want something to do tomorrow night, go see The Odd Couple at Las Vegas High School at 7pm. You will laugh your pants off. I'm really digging the cappy thing. I was way nervous at first, but it was really great. So, I'm going to try to hit up all the shows I can. Tomorrow I'll be going to LVA to see Honk. I've never heard of it, but I hope it's good. Well, there were three intermissions and for ever intermission we've got to go to the cappy room to discuss things, with Julio leading us. He's the guy who took care of me when I first got there. We're not supposed to talk to anyone, but he was smiling at me (he has an awesome smile) and I told him nice shoes. See, he was wearing black slacks and a nice black shirt, and blue converse sneaks. How cute?

I was surprised for the techie bow. There were a lot of them, no surprise, in all black, no surprise. But they all looked so normal and clean cut. Same goes for the actors. I mean, at my school the theater kids are considered the weirdos, these kids were like, normal and popular (you could tell from all the yells from the audience). One techie chick was wearing a shirt that said "princess" in pink letters. Oh. My. God. So, it was surprising. And oh! This lady, she broke the three cardinal rules of theater ettiquite. She had a crying baby, gah. And then she was eating in the theater! And then, and then, her cell phone went off. The chick in front of her actualy turned around, grabbed the phone, and turned it off. I wanted to give her a litle gold star. It was great. Afterwards we go into the discussion room to nominate people for awards and score and such. I loved it. It's like, just a really cool discussion, and everyone cares about what everyone is saying. It was really neato.

So, we all disperse and I'm so lost in this school which is soooo different from mine, I see Julio talking to a chick and a guy and I was just like, ahhh, how do I get out? So he was like, Oh I'll show you. The guy was starting to come with him but the chick was like, Hey ____ why don't you stay here with me? I was like...hmmm....so, I talked to Julio as he walked me to wehre my mom would be. Finally he was like "yeah, so um, I don't usually do this. Actually, I *never* do this, but...I think you know what I'm going to say, can I have your number?" I said sure and gave it to him. I saw him skipping away with another guy techie. Hmm...it was really strange, because I knew he was going ot ask me for my number, but at the same time I had no inkling that he liked me. He's got dark skin, his hair is very very short (he probably shaves his head once a month), big, but not like fat, just...thick, I guess. I don't know. Is he cute? Sorta. His smile is awesome. So, we'll see what happens with that.

Guess who's in the car with my mom? My abuela! Score! They just got here. *sigh* It's kind of a bummer because I think my mom wants me to dress low-key while they're here and try to look normal and stuff, but it's just like, why? I was thinking, what if I had a girlfriend and I wanted her to come over for Thanksgiving? What if I held her hand? What would my highly-catholic abuelos do? (oh, btw, abuelo and abuela is spanish for grandma and granddad. My abuela speaks almost no enlgish, my abuelo can speak english, but he usually doesn't). I admit, I don't know my abuela very well, we don't speak the same language (quite literally), but, I can't see her saying anything bad about anyone. When I think of her, all I can see is unconditional love. I don't think she would really give a damn. I know that the one thing that bums her out is that my brother and I aren't baptized. It screws us over already. But, I don't think she would care. Really. My mexican catholic abuela wouldn't care. I think she would just look at us and smile because she really is full of unconditional love. She may worry, but I doubt she'd disapprove and would never say it. It kind of bums me out that my mom doesn't see that. Or maybe she does, I don't know, they speak the same language. Maybe the image in my head of my abuela is so off targe. But...god I love her. I remember when I was a kid, every time she would visit she would do my hair every morning. I remember her teaching me to do needlepoint on plastic canvases. I remember how she always smelled so fresh, how soft her skin was, how pretty she looked when they went to church. How she'd always give me sweets. I don't think I'm off base for what kind of person she is. Sorry, you guys just have no idea how cool she is :) Oh, and she does my laundry (although she's not supposed to now because of my thongs. Ooh, big deal *rolls eyes*), and she cooks us food and the kitchen always smells good and she brushes my hair.

So...yup. That's what's the dealio. My brother just got home, some friends are with him so I'm gonna dissapear into my room (I'm on his comp) so there isn't that awkwardness that comes to me. Pixie

Thursday, November 15, 2001

It Makes Me Want To Cry

I forgot to mention when Fairie Chick burned me with a cig. You see, the day we made our video, as we were walking to Smith's we ran into Robert, I took his cig to take a drag and she hit it out of my hand, thereby burning me. It hurt like a bitch but we didn't figure it would leave a mark or anything. Sure enough I've got this tiny blister. :/ It hurts. I started writing in my written journal last night. God, I am such a bitch. See, you all think I'm nice and sweet, I know better. But, it's sorta nice. I try not to hold myself back here, but I do leave out some things and some emotions and some events. Whether it's to protect people or to not hurt people. I finally had a chance to vent on some people, which was good. I got it all out. But I don't like to go back and read that sort of stuff :/

Today was another lazy bum day. I was wearing lazy bum clothing and got to school very late. I've got to wonder if my world history teacher likes me or dislikes me, because he's always picking on me! I always have to pass out handouts, pass back papers, write up his gradebooks. I mean, sheesh. We had a test today, about halfway through I look around and see everyone searching in their books. It was open-book. Fuck. Good thing I noticed because almost all my answers were wrong. I think I got two questions wrong because I was just too lazy to go and find them. I also found out my teacher lost all of our jeapordy question cards, gah. Which means we have to reado them. Gah.

In geometry we had a test, I think I did well. I also read an 8pg article about stuffies and furries. In case you're out of the know, stuffies are people who are sexually attracted to stuffed animals, and furries are people who are sexually attracted to mascots and such, and who like to dress up and play-act like a selected animal. It's really an incredibly interesting subculture. So, I'm reading and this chick, Angie, picks up a page that I've already finishes and starts reading it. I'm just waiting for her to get to the juicy stuff. She does. A few minutes later she's like "yeah...uhh...it's interesting...yeah...but...not for me...yeah...that's strange". Quite amusing, really.

PE sucked. Cindi was absent. She's my only friend in that stupid class! But hey, I shot a few baskets in basketball, go me. Then we ran our two laps (aka: 1/2 mile). I did it in 4:40, because I walked for like, an 1/8 of a mile. I think I hope I pray I can run the mile in 10 so I never have to run again. Although my mom heard about it and thought it was way unreasonable and will "make a call". I hate it when she does that. Gah.

After school I went to my chemistry teacher's room. His wife (also a chemistry teacher at our school) came and invited him to get some food. I was like, nooo, you can't abandon me. He said he'd be back in a few. A few turned into 10 or 15 minutes, but I did my geometry homework which was good. I hear the door open and he yells "you had better still be here". I called back that I was and he came into the classroom with a plate of cake, a plate of chips, and a drink. It's like, teacher appreciation week or something, so he brought me some food. How cool is that?

We worked on Dimensional Analysis and I've got it down pat. He lights a birthday candle and when the candle dies it's time for me to go home. I got the 'naked geese' story out of him which involved him trying to make whisky when he was 9, throwing the failed experiment into a pond where their geese lived. Imagine drunken geese. The geese then die from overdosing. Chem teacher gets in mucho trouble. Has to pull off all their feathers...since they're no use dead. In the morning...the geese are all alive. They were just passed out. So grandma has to knit all the geese sweaters so they don't freeze and die, and he has to put them on. Keep in mind that geese bite. :D My teacher is so cool.

He noticed my arm, of course. There are two scratches on my arm, new. I'm so sure I didn't make them. I'm positive. I have no memory whatsoever. They're just little scratches, but I can't imagine when or how I got them. So...he asked me what was up with my arm. I said it was a long story and changed the subject. He let me use his phone to call my dad, all the change fell out of his pocket and I was laughing, he gave it all to me. He also gave me a piece of cork. Strange? Entirely. I don't know why adults get so paternal over me. Really, every single adult I've ever spent any amount of time with gets all parently on me, wanting to protect me etc. But it makes me feel badly, like I'm vying for their attention and their care. I don't want to be like that, so needy. But...I don't try...they just sorta do. *sigh*

My dad picked me up, we came home. My mom came home, we all chatted like a happy little family, my mom left, we went to Barnes and Noble. I found a great series. It's called "Daughters of the Moon" and it reminds me very much of Francesca Lia Block's style. Check it out. I stole a hella mad amount of nifty postcards which I'm going to have everyone write on so I can put them on my closet. Mmhm.

On CSI (a show set in Las Vegas, how cool is that?) a dominatrix died. The investigators went into this mansion, oh, let me orgasm all over my keyboard. First of all, the fact that they put that shit on TV is great. It was so erotic I was going insane. Sexy sexy sexy. My parents could tell how happy I was. I think it freaked them out. Well, I know my mom thinks that anything un-vanilla is really disgusting and horrifying and whatever. Then again, I'm sure they know I'm anything but vanilla. Still, it creeped them out.

And now I'm here. I think I'm going to start mega-research on really unknown fetishes. Just for my own curiousity. Oh my gosh, I dreamed about Heather! Aka: mz. scarlet. I'm so excited about this. It was a really long dream. It was so awesome. I was somewhere because I was the emcee for some awards thing, I don't know. But I was staying with her. It was so majorly cool, just what I needed to mellow out.

What else? Gah, I don't know. I'm all limbo-y. Oh, hey, I've found the exact picture I want for my tat when I turn 18. I've always had this in my head as the design, but I confirmed it today. Here it is. You can also see how I want to cut my hair when I turn 16 here and here. It's Colleen Haskill, from the first survivor. But isn't her hair so cute? Yeah...maybe maybe. I'll be 16 in four months. Pixie

Wednesday, November 14, 2001

I feel so tipsy turvy...oh dear oh my. I wish my printer would decide to fucking work so I can start writing in my new notebook. I can't start it till I work on the cover, I can't end it till I finish the back cover. Just a thing I have. Well, I need my goddamn printer to work so I can print out some pics! That's what I get for having a CCSD printer. *rolls eyes* I want the cover to be very sexual and naughty and wild and crazy. Sex, drugs, rock and roll. It'll be awesome and great. I'm using pictures from my favorite photographers of the moment (Lee Stranahan, Geof Cordner, Michele Serchuk. Search google for them if you want to see their work. It's awesome. If you don't have liberal parents/siblings/roommates then make sure they're not in the room *grin*) and it's just going to be porntastic.

I had linguine for dinner, score! I love pasta. I'm so glad my dad's buying it now. If only I could convince him to make pat thai and chicken with this yellow Indian curry. It'd be great. I don't want to go to bed, but it's allready 11pm. I don't want to study, but I've got two tests tomorrow. I think I'll do well in world history...I left my geometry book at school *groan* so I can't study. I need a 95% in that class for the second quarter or I need to ace every single one of my other classes. And I'm supposed to find scholarships for my mom. What kind of bullshit is that? My brother and I have to find our own scholarships and take care of everything college-related ourselves, and now she wants me to do her fucking work? Gah.

Kristen has got a master plan with Josh H. She's going to make out with him, causing his flavor of the month to break up with him, and then they'll leave each other alone because they just wanted to make out and somehow in the end I end up being with Josh H. No no no Kristen! I don't want to be his flavor of the month. I don't mind being his flavor for the night, but I'm no one's flavor of the month. Speaking of flavors of the months...Jah Love and Bri broke up, I think I already mentioned it. Like, two days later he got a new girlfriend and then today he had a new chica on his arm. *shrugs* He's a man-whore :)

Oh, and babe, to get a guestbook just go to www.signmyguestbook.com and fill out all the info. Then take the link and put it into your template. I'd tell you where but the code you see in template and the source code I see are different because of blogger, but don't worry, I'll get you taken care of.

Can you tell I'm really not wanting to leave my comp? Gah. I wish I had some porn to watch. Or some something. Sheesh. Okay, I'm going to go be pathetic on my lonesome. I should write Brandon a letter! Oh hell yeah :) I'll write him a letter and send him a school pic. My sweetie!!! He should be turning 16 sometime soon...I can't remember his birthday :/ but he'll be 16 by the end of the school year, which means he can drive down here to see me. Oh. My. God. I talked to Sperm Girl today. Roop pierced her nipples, yay. She said if I got the jewlery he'd pierce mine. I was surprised that he was still in town. I laughed and asked her where he was hanging around. He's living with her! It's so mind boggling, my jaw must have dropped to the floor. How weird would that be? Your statutory rape boyfriend living with you, your mom, her boyfriend, and your two little half-brothers? Crazy shiznit. Pixie
Did you fall for a shooting star?

I talked to Nathan last night for an hour or two. I need to stop doing that because I desperatly need sleep! We went through the whole self-pity chat. The, don't fall in love with me I'll fuck you over chat. I hate telling that to people, but I feel like I should. I feel guilty if I don't. Gah, so we spent self-pity time together. He said he's very determined. *smirk* Gotta love the kid. So, why would I possibly tell someone not to like me too much? 1: For all those times that you'll try to do something nice for me and I just go crazy inside my head and you've got to spend two hours convincing me that I'm not crazy, but I'm pretty much helpless until I realize it myself. 2: for all those nights on the phone when I swear I'm not cutting, I'm not going to cut, and I don't want to cut but you have to be paranoid that the only reason I called you was to keep me from cutting and you don't know what you need to say or do to stop me from cutting (I know because I've gone through this with a lot of my friends and in relationships. *sigh*) 3: because in the end I'll usually break up with you because I'm convinced that you deserve so much better than me, and you probably do.

That's not good for any relationship. Gah. So...yeah. I couldn't get out of bed this morning. I got to school so much later than I usually do, I just wore my PJs top, no bra. I found a hole in the crotch of my jeans, gah. I have no idea where/why/how I got it, but I have a sneaky suspicion that I got it the night of the Girl Moosh (I discovered a hole in both knees of these jeans from that night that I don't remember getting). So...that's a bit of a bummer but I don't really care. I love these jeans, and if I'm in a position to where you can see the hole then you deserve to see my undies :) I had a chem test, I think I did well. Bob and Vivi are going out. My plan worked! Sweet. I just want everyone to realize that they probably wouldn't be together if it wasn't for me. I got the word around to shy little-tall Bob that Vivi liked him, I got all the info from both sides and let certain info leak out at just the right moments. And if it wasn't for me then they wouldn't have gone bowling, gotten stuck in an elevator, gone to the movies, and played paper-rock-scissors 20 times till Vivi won so they could go out. Go me.

Spanish...blah. I slept a lot. Oops. I also ate a lot. Yum. English. We're not allowed the privilige of watching our commercials, since we're the class from satan. However, we did get a good lecture and she even allowed a little bit of class participation, which was nice. I went straight to my bus after class, no stops, no nothing. I still didn't get a seat on my own. *grumble grumble* I wanted to talk to Nathen who rides my bus. I passed him back my little black book though, so now I have his number. I went to wal-mart to get my pics developed.

Now I've got pics of all my new friends, score :D I've got pics of Robin, Giselle, and Paco. Pics of Kristen dancing around my kitchen and...the making of the cake moosh! Gotta love that. Fairie Chick and Anthony kissing :) I had a pic of Robert, but somehow there is a thick black line going across it. Could it be a sign? I can't figure out what it could be...An awesome pic that Anthony took of me, Jessica, and Fairie Chick. We're lying on the ground, holding hands. But I've got one arm up and you can see scars :/ Buddy Lee turned out absolutely sexy. Now...my so-called attempts at photography.

On the one hand, it's like, hey, that's so cool, they could have turned out so great had I been behind the camera. On the other hand, it sucks because I wasn't behind the camera so there's something wrong with them. Two of my standing up in my blue glitter/black skirt turned out okay...but I look fat :/ gah. One of me curled up on the ground in that skirt turned out really really super great. One of me from the back with my wings. The wings are crooked and you can see my thong. One of me and my wings from the side. Turned out great, but the wings are at an awkward angle and the camera cut off part of my head :/ Me in my green skirt. Why hasn't anyone told me how fat I look in that skirt? Gah! One is a great angle of my face, but my head is cut off a bit. The other one where I'm holding bricks...it just doesn't have anything to add to it. Had the backdrop been black it would have been better. See, most of this stuff I could have fixed had I been *behind* the camera. We shall have to explore this further. I love pictures :D Can you tell?

And now I'm here and home. I got a new notebook for a new journal, so now I have to go print out hella mad blogs. Pixie
Did you fall for a shooting star?

I talked to Nathan last night for an hour or two. I need to stop doing that because I desperatly need sleep! We went through the whole self-pity chat. The, don't fall in love with me I'll fuck you over chat. I hate telling that to people, but I feel like I should. I feel guilty if I don't. Gah, so we spent self-pity time together. He said he's very determined. *smirk* Gotta love the kid. So, why would I possibly tell someone not to like me too much? 1: For all those times that you'll try to do something nice for me and I just go crazy inside my head and you've got to spend two hours convincing me that I'm not crazy, but I'm pretty much helpless until I realize it myself. 2: for all those nights on the phone when I swear I'm not cutting, I'm not going to cut, and I don't want to cut but you have to be paranoid that the only reason I called you was to keep me from cutting and you don't know what you need to say or do to stop me from cutting (I know because I've gone through this with a lot of my friends and in relationships. *sigh*) 3: because in the end I'll usually break up with you because I'm convinced that you deserve so much better than me, and you probably do.

That's not good for any relationship. Gah. So...yeah. I couldn't get out of bed this morning. I got to school so much later than I usually do, I just wore my PJs top, no bra. I found a hole in the crotch of my jeans, gah. I have no idea where/why/how I got it, but I have a sneaky suspicion that I got it the night of the Girl Moosh (I discovered a hole in both knees of these jeans from that night that I don't remember getting). So...that's a bit of a bummer but I don't really care. I love these jeans, and if I'm in a position to where you can see the hole then you deserve to see my undies :) I had a chem test, I think I did well. Bob and Vivi are going out. My plan worked! Sweet. I just want everyone to realize that they probably wouldn't be together if it wasn't for me. I got the word around to shy little-tall Bob that Vivi liked him, I got all the info from both sides and let certain info leak out at just the right moments. And if it wasn't for me then they wouldn't have gone bowling, gotten stuck in an elevator, gone to the movies, and played paper-rock-scissors 20 times till Vivi won so they could go out. Go me.

Spanish...blah. I slept a lot. Oops. I also ate a lot. Yum. English. We're not allowed the privilige of watching our commercials, since we're the class from satan. However, we did get a good lecture and she even allowed a little bit of class participation, which was nice.

Tuesday, November 13, 2001

Hey Hey Hey

Robert gave me an apology, wow. It was so unexpected, such a surprise. I know he was just mad at himself, and I was a reasonable person to take it out on. But it still makes me angry. I don't take my emotions out on anyone but myself, and I'm afraid that I get impatient with people who do. I feel bad for it, but at the same time I feel as though it's the right way to be. You shouldn't take your feelings out on people, it's not fair to them and you're being so untrue to yourself.

I forgot to mention something that happened at the mall that made me have to hold back tears. I've already bitched and moaned about the faux razor blades on a velvet ribbon being sold at Skin Market for 15 bucks. Now at Claire's Accesories they have rhinestone razor blades. I can't even comprehend how angry this makes me. It's horrible. The people who are designing these things and selling these things, what the fuck are they thinking? I realize that everyone is off to make a buck, but, off of cutting? Off of self mutilation? Why not sell bulemics designer gloves so they don't get their hands dirty? I mean, jesus fucking christ there is no way that can be considered right. If there is a hell I hope they go there. Seeing a razor blade like that is an automatic trigger. Seeing it become trendy. That's horrible, it's horribly sad.

But...anyways. I was in a super good mood today. In world history my teacher once again gave us the same lecture. We didn't want to take the test, so we didn't tell him that we knew everything he was going to say. *grin* We're so bad, but at least now we get to study. I told Manda that we'd be going to Fairie Chick's house after school. She flat out said no, it was too short of notice. Oh fuck that shit. Hell no. Jessica and I were just sitting there like, I don't think so. She's done jack shit, we ask her to do one thing (come up with a storyboard) and she totally lets us down. No. I told her, if she doesn't come she won't get any credit. She started saying how she had so much math homework and bitch bitch bitch. It was like, guess what? You're not any more busy then the rest of us, we all have shit to do, oh well. I've always been the one to do everything in the groups. Because people let me down or because I know they'll do a shitty job and I'll have to redo it. Jessica is used to that too. She wrote us a note saying she'd try.

After school Jessica, Fairie Chick, Anthony and I walk to Smith's to get supplies. I left my stuff at the cash register and had to go back. *sheepish grin* I guess Anthony said something about growing pot on their future front porch, which majorly pissed of Fairie Chick and they got into a fight. I wasn't there, I was just trying to remain neutral, like Switzerland or something. I don't know, I try to stay away from marital problems. I don't know, I think it's great that they are so happy and in love and planning a future together, but at the same time, she's a sophmore in high school. Things happen, people change, and it would be a tremendous let down if something does happen and they don't end up together. And...I don't know, I like to think, we're in high school. You have your whole life to be serious, why start now? Especially now. So...hmm...I don't know.

We videotaped. Our video is going to be really really great. Maybe we wait till the last minute, but we get the job done and we do it well. Amanda did show up, yay. I'm afraid I got a little bossy with them. I mean...it's tiring, I was tired, I wanted to be home, and I'm really an Aries who likes to be in charge, it's just who I am. But...I like to be in control and I think I do a pretty damn good job, so maybe it's worth it.

I've got to study for my chemistry test, bummer. But...I'll just have to make due. I was really super happy today. Oooh, Fairie Chick got me the most awesome gift. It's a necklace that has a little bottle as a charm that has a fairie on it. Inside the bottle is pink glitter. She has a matching one with blue glitter. I'm going to take out my glitter and put in some more pixie-ish ones, because pink is so not me, y'know? But it is the most awesome gift. I think it'll turn into the ring that Jah Love gave me, I'll just never take it off.

I haven't figured out why I was so happy today. I think it's because for the first time I'm not trying to hold onto everything and everyone. I'm just letting it all go, letting it all flow. It's like in American Beauty (god, can't I ever have one entry without mentioning that movie? Or any movie at all, for that matter). Well, he says: when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst, and then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.

That's how it is. Maybe not with beauty, but with happiness and change. I keep trying desperatly to hold onto everything that's happened in my life. Maybe I need to stop holding on and just let it flow through me, because really, you can't stop anything at all, it's all going to happen no matter what. My new webpage is coming along nicely. I've got 4 more pictures on this roll of film in my camera. The begining ones are my attempt at...I don't know, not really fashion photography, I guess they're self-portraits really. The rest are pictures with my friends, of cake moosh, of everything. So, I'll probably get it develloped tomorrow and then on Thursday I'll take it to Chinese Jason to see if he'll scan some for me, so that's something to look foward to. Yay. Pixie

Monday, November 12, 2001

So Kiss Me

I'm so bad, but everything is so great! I went to the mall today with Paco, I can't believe how much stuff I stole. Ahh, I'm a klepto. I had to get Bobby's balls, so I did. Oh, and at Hot Topic they have got these awesome dresses that are totally from the 40's. They're amazingly sexy and great and I'm so happy that they're in style. I hope they go on clearance soon. I also got a little "Bad Girl's Phone Book" because I really need one. And then we went to Barnes and Noble. Orgasmically great. I got three books. Echo, by Francesca Lia Block, Slut!: Growing Up Female With A Bad Reputation by Leora Tanenbaum, and The Bust Guide To A New Girl Order by Marcelle Karp,and Debbie Stoller. I know Echo is good because I started reading it last time I was at the bookstore. The Slut! book is really good. It's all about sexual inequality between the genders and talks to girls who have been called sluts and why. It's really comforting for anyone who's been called a slut without good reason. And it's really empowering for someone who likes the unabridged dictionary's definition of slut (a bold and brazen girl). The BUST book is even better, because it talks about everything girl and everything guy and it should be regarded as a bible.

I can't believe I got away with it. *smirk* I'm so bad. Paco finally understands why I steal books. There was a book he wanted, it was 30 bucks. Now you understand, now you see.

I came home...and it was okay. I'm feeling really great right now, because I feel like I have a purpose. I'm reading Kristen's blog and she's talking about me and us and what we did on Friday, and I feel really great that I can be there for people. Bree called me today, but I couldn't talk. I talked to Fairie Chick, she's back in town. And, surprisingly, Mikal called me. He was having a tough time and he called me because he "thought I could understand". I feel really honored that he would call me, of all people. I don't feel that I sould talk about his problems, it's not a big important one, but nonetheless it's his. I just feel really good inside.

It's partly because of the books, I know. They're so great and awesome and there is nothing like a good book to make your day, nonetheless three of them. It's partly because of the weather, it's cloudy and cool. But it's partly because I'm really digging myself right now.

Oh my gosh! I saw Ashes at the mall! Eek! As Paco and I were walking across the street to go back to the mall from the bookstore I spot two girls. They're cute. Suddenly, a wave of recognition passes over me. Ginn and Ashes! I think. I try to get a good look, decide if it's really them, I'm unsure. After we had passed I called out "ashes!" but she didn't turn around. Hmm...I come home, check out Ashes online journal and she says how she and Ginn are going to the mall around 5. It was totally them. On the one hand, I'm glad that it was them, so two people don't go home today thinking that some crazy chick was stalking them. On the other hand, I'm bummed out because I didn't talk to them or anything. Hmm. So, that was the adventure of the day. *smooches* Keep on smiling all you out there :) Because for once, I will be.

xoxo,
Pixie

Sunday, November 11, 2001

Astral Boy

I added some more stuff to my site. I've decided I'm going to make a section about 'infinite moments' (from the Perks of Being a Wallflower). They had their songs, and I have mine. I hear it, and it is so beautiful it makes me want to cry. I strongly recomend you download it if you can. It's called Astral Boy by Killing Heidi.

Astral boy you're so high will you, ever come down,
Soaring over everyone you're, bigger than the stars.
Astral boy, you're so hot will you, ever melt,
Flying so close to the sun,
Now you know how I felt.
Now you're cold, you're so alone, sitting on the floor,
Hardwood boards and abstract thoughts,
Gesture to the door.

You can't tell, but the song is 3 minutes long. It's just so wonderful and great and infinite. It's so beautiful that it hurts you to hear it, to see the images in your head that go along with it. It entrances you and captivates you. It takes you to the fucking solar system, and it leaves you speechless. It's the kind of song you could spend the rest of you life listening to and not get bored, because each time you notice something you didn't notice the time before. Another really good one is called Asleep by The Smiths. Download them. Now.

Pixie Oh, ps, S is in "the band" and has offered up the name i.candy for us. how sexily perfect is that? nowthere's just that whole learning how to play instruments problem...

I Pledge Allegiance To The Lips

Yesterday I went to Paco's house. We watched The Wedding Planner and ate KFC. It was fun. His parents went out and we're like, that's cool. It never even occured to me, "hey, my parents might not be cool with it." I mean, come on, it's Paco. His sister is in town from UNR for the weekend, it was good to see her.

I came home at 11pm and my parents were asleep. I got ready to sneak out. I opted to wear my tight black pants, black tank, adidas, and left my hair down. That's so atypical me, because I rarely leave my hair down. So, I'm outside and putting the screen back on my window when the phone rings. Shit. It was my brother's friend's cell phone - accidently calling us. I about had a heart attack. I turned off the ringers and set out again on my mission.

The movie theater where Rocky is being shown is right next to my neighborhood, so I walked pretty slowly. As I'm going through the parking lot in the commercial center next to the theater I see two figures walking down the street. One figure looked at me. We yelled in recognition. Kristen! Score! So, we went off on our merry way. I was marked with red lipstick - triple V's and a 5 cent on my chest. Great. I basically knew the entire cast so it was fun. Kristen and I did our virgin sacrificing (which was her thrusting to the tune of Twinkle Twinkle, as I was bent over in front of her faking an orgasm). There were a lot of virgins that night so I didn't feel like I was put on the spot. I ended up sitting with no one to my left, but Nathen to my right (a friend of Jude's from UNR that I met at pizza), and on his right was Kristen.

How to describe the show? Fun. Totally fun. Jude does a strip show in the begining - I saw more Jude then I ever had a desire to see. *laughs* But it was cool. I totally want to go back, Kristen thought it was a bit much but said she'd come back with me. After the show we were all trying to figure out what to do. I was incredibly cold. Adam, Stephanie's boyfriend offered me the warmth of his trenchcoat - with him in it. I didn't think anything of it because, well, that's something I'd do with anyone. It wasn't sexual at all. And I was fucking cold. But this girl pulls me aside and offered me a bit of advice about "the guy I was hanging all over". Apparently he's known for "taking advantage of young girls who don't know any better." I explained to her how he was my friend's boyfriend...but I got the point of what she was saying. It looked bad. So, I stayed away (although he did bond me with electrical tape).

Just as I was about to ask Jude for a ride to wherever they were going, I found out that she had already planned me in her truck. I felt really honored in this Perks of Being a Wallflower way. Just because when I first went to the theater I was with Jessica, and then I was Fairie Chick's friend, and then I was Jah Love's girlfriend. With a lot of people I just feel like I talk to them because I'm always around them because of whoever. So...it was really nice.

So, we hop into her truck and go to Denny's. On the way I ask Jude does Nathen have a girlfriend or am I allowed to hit on him? She told me that he'd only had two relationships - both were horrible, and he was pretty down on himself because of it. In other words, hit on him. At the restaurant we tried to arrange it so I would sit next to him, it didn't work. I went to the gal's room with Kristen and when we came back I ended up sitting next to him. Well, I was sitting on the end of a booth and his chair was pulled up to the table. He was sitting closer to Kristen than me, but apparently Kristen shoved him closer to me. *laughs* I spent the night hitting on Nathen and talking to Scott. I miss that guy so much! When I was turned around talking to Scott the table would be telling Nathen to hit on me. Jude was all "nathen is oblivious to this stuff" and he was like "really, I am".

As we arranged rides home I somehow ended up alone with Nathen. Surprise surprise. We couldn't find the street we needed, so we were driving and talking and looking. Once we found it he asked me if I was in a rush to get home. No sir. So, we went to his old work (he was a lifeguard, so it was a pool) in the ghetto. We chilled in the car, just holding hands and talking until he asks me how old I am. He already knew, but he asked anyway. I said 15 and he was like, okay that's fine (he's 19) and kissed me. Hard. Wow. My tummy was flip flopping, I felt sooo light headed. I actually had to think hard to remember if I had been drinking that night. That's how I felt. Like I was just a little tipsy and wow. It was so incredibly crazy feeling. He asked me when I needed to be home (7 am) and we decided to go to his parent's place because they were out of town, even if it was pretty far away.

So, we drive and he's babbling on, nervously. Just talking about the most random things and telling me I'm pretty and stuff. I didn't give him the usual treatment of "you're full of shit" while making a face. I actually said thank you and just accepted it. *sigh* At his house his room is sooo cold because the heater was broken, so we went to his parent's room. I checked my mail and wrote that little note in my blog. I checked my e-mail. Finally we're on the bed with nothing but the blue glow of the computer screen around us. We were just kissing. He kisses very strangely. Not much tongue, but it was still nice and incredible and wow. Kissing...fondling...I was stradling him and my shirt and bra came off. He undid the button on my pants and I pulled away. Flipped out a little bit. Not a big bit, but a little bit. He was really worried that he had done something wrong or moved too fast, but it wasn't like that at all. I was just like no...no. I slid down his body and rested my head under his chin. He was so warm and soft. We spent the next hour like that, drifting in and out of sleep (or rather, I did and he tried not to fall asleep because I didn't have long to stay). Kissing every now and then. When I woke up it was nice. I tried to explain why I had stopped him. It was just becuase like, he was too good for me to have a one night thang with. I told him he was too nice, but it wasn't really that. He was just too good for that. The night was still a sucess in my book. He wants to see me again, I want to see him again. We'll see.

*I wrote this later in the afternoon* I feel like I'm not giving the night justice. All morning we were just looking at each other with these strange looks on our faces, arguing over who was looking at who strangely first. But...the way he was looing at me, was, I don't know. It's hard to explain. Almost like...I was too amazing to be lying there on the bed with him. Like he could see all these things inside me that no one else could. It was just so perfect and infinite. The morning was cold, but it becamecooler. He had to get gas. As I was waiting in the car I stared up the road, at the beautiful white rising sun and realized that I had power. The power to disapear, to drive into nowhere. To just drive. It was a nice realization. On the drive hom we were facing the sun, I just closed me eyes and listened to him. He was talking a bit, not as much nervous babble as the night before, but...still some. He would say things about wanting to see me next time he was in town and I just "mmmm"ed and smiled. This made him nervous, I think. It made him think that I didn't want to see him again. Not the case. That's just how I was saying yes this morning.

I think that in the morning, when I first opened up my eyes and looked at him, we were both glad that we didn't have sex, although I'm not sure why. I have no idea why he would be glad. I'm not entirely sure why I was glad. It was like...I don't know, I was trying to explain it to him but it wasn't working well. I just made myself sound worse. It was just like...it would have been cheap if we had sex. It would have been so much less than what it should have been. He'll be in town again for the week of Thanksgiving. Will I see him? I hope so. I gotta get his e-mail addy from Jude.

I didn't get caught. Go me. Miss Pink had been calling me all day. She wants/ed me to micro-mini braid his hair. But the thing was, I didn't want to. I tried to do all the nice ways of saying that I wasn't interested. I said I didn't feel like it, I was busy, I didn't have time. But she's used to getting her way. Unfortunatly, she's always used to getting her way and she doesn't like to take no for an answer. So, now I'm just ignoring her calls and stuff. I'm supposedly asleep right now. She's talking to my brother trying to get him to wake me up. Ugh. She thinks she's more important than anyone else. I can handle it on most days, but not today.

I need I need I need to go to the mall tomorrow. Well you guys, that's it. Adios. Pixie
i snuck out and went to rocky horror. lots of fun. i gotta jet cuz i'm at this guy's nathen's house....tell you all about it later.