Saturday, November 10, 2001

"and for god's sake, keep your own laundry up. we don't need george's mom doing your laundry and seeing what you wear as underwear. she'll think that i buy them for you and i don't want her opinion of me going down, thank you very much." Nice way to start off morning conversations with my mom. *smirks* I'm good now. I'm fine. I've got two badly bruised knuckles, but I'm fine.

Friday, November 09, 2001

now i know the purpose of boxing gloves. no, i had no brick wall to punch. but i did have furniture. not the soft kind. the kind of recliners that have wood on the inside. some of my knuckles are bleeding, but i'm holding myself back, i can feel it. it's hard to force yourself to punch something hard, especially when there is the fear of breaking whatever you are punching. this is horrible. i've got all these feelings inside and i don't know how to get rid of them not at all. i had my music. i put on angry angry music and put on headphones and made it full blast and i could yell and yell and yell and i was okay. now i don't even have that. i have nothing. except my bloody knuckles. i want to pull out my hair. or burn myself. gosh, those were fun periods of my life. particularily the hair pulling. it's a good way to get out agression. i seem to have a lot of agression and violence right now. i wonder if robert set it off or if i would have it anyway. and then where the skin has come off, it hurts because you punch it in the exact same way, right on an open wound. i think i may have fractured one of my fingers, because my right hand is hurting pretty badly. i could break a glass. say i dropped it. but...i could only do it once. two glasses are suspicious. i wish i could describe how i feel. i feel like i have all this emotion - this anger and this horrible horrible feelings. negative feelings of anger and pain and sadness, but mostly just anger and violence and agression. this is why i should dance or do something physical, it gets all those feelings out. now they're just in me and i have nothing to do with them except leave them there and hope i don't hurt anyone but myself.
i just deleted all my mp3s. yes, that's right, all of them. no, not on purpose. i had over 250. do you know how long it takes to accumulate an mp3 collection of over 250 songs? yeah, it takes a long long time. a very long time. especially when your aimster fucks up every other second. i'm going to go punch a brick wall right now, because i'm hating everything.
i just deleted all my mp3s. yes, that's right, all of them. no, not on purpose. i had over 250. do you know how long it takes to accumulate an mp3 collection of over 250 songs? yeah, it takes a long long time. a very long time. especially when your aimster fucks up every other second. i'm going to go punch a brick wall right now, because i'm hating everything.
Oh, I just about to killed Justin T. He was trying to serve me a piece of pizza. I was not in a good mood. This was right when we first got there when the good friendly happy vibes hadn't gotten to me yet. I was still angry about Robert. I was thinking about the shit I'd be in when my parents got home. He tried to make me eat pizza. I started to lunge at him. I had to hold myself back. I don't like being this violent, it scares me. I'm not hurting myself, but I'm afraid that I'm going to hurt someone else. Fairie Chick recomends drywall.

Well, Kristen arrived at my house this afternoon. She had been kicked out of her house. Like any good friend I took her in and we hung out for a while. She was going to go to the pizza place for Jude's birthday, and then ask Jude to give her a ride to her best friend's house for the night. Well, we were having hella fun because we decided to bake her a cake. The cake wouldn't come out of the pan. It eventually came out in pieces. *deep breath* Okay, we'll use frosting to put it back together. We used all the frosting attempting to put it back together. Eventually we just slapped it on with our hands. We determined that we could just put cherries on top to cover up the horrible looking cake. When we thought how were we going to get it there? so, we just mooshed it all up in a bowl-like tuppeware container. Cake moosh baby, hell yeah. I didn't have permission to go to Jude's birthday thing, I didn't have permission to go anywhere but my parents weren't home and I didn't want Kristen walking alone. So I went with her. I thought I was really responsible about the way I went about it. I left a note explaining the situation and told them that I'd call every half an hour, and I did.

Well, it was really fun. Like, everyone was there and we all hung out and were loud and stupid. Kristen's sis shows up and gives her a phone and a sweatshirt. Kristen, Duck, S and I plan to walk to Smiths (right next door) to get Bree's number. On our way we're stopped by Kristen's sister and her male friend. They are trying to convince her to go home, she refuses and explains that her mom kicked her out and she wasn't going back. The male person starts calling Kristen a liar and saying that her mom never kicked her out, blah blah blah. Such bullshit. Finally he's like, you get in that goddamn car or I'll pick you up and take you there. Then he starts threatening us and tells us that she better not get into a car with any of us. The only one there that could drive was S so we nod. A security guard starts to make her way over, so Kristen's sister grabs Kristen's hair and, quite literally, drags her off by her hair.

I started to cry, because I hate people. S was shaking, we were all really upset. Ahhh. We go back inside, and everyone's leaving, so we make our way to Jude's car and start hanging out there. I call again and for the first time I get an answer, my brother. He tells me that my parents called and said they were going to pick me up. They do. They are not happy. My mom is just like, ahhh. They haven't been home, haven't seen my note, haven't seen that I cleaned out the fridge and did the dishes (as a thank you for letting me go). They haven't heard my calls on the machine. I try to explain the situation but it's just not going well. When we get home (me and my mom, my dad's in the car because they're taking my brother somewhere and getting food) my mom is just like, more ahhhh. Don't do that. Don't leave without permission. I try to explain to her but she's not listening and she was just like "I don't want to hear it." But she keeps talking and I'm just like "if you don't want to hear it then let's just not talk about it at all". They left.

Gah. Parents are so stupid, I mean, jesus christ. She's angry with me for "going off walking everywhere with Kristen" apparently I was supposed to invite her in. I tried to tell her that I did, but I didn't think that *pixie gets cut off* What I was going to say is that I didn't think they'd be too supportive of driving her places. I mean, let's think about this. My parents aren't the most helpful people. And actually, they never drive me anywhere. Like, ever. I can't remember the last time they drove me someplace other than school. And how did I know that my mom wouldn't just drag Kristen home? I mean, c'mon. I don't have the best relationship with my parents, I can't say anything about what they would or wouldn't do. I thought I was being responsible, but I guess not. Pixie
Just Gotta Grab The Sheepskin And....Y'know

For people who weren't fortunate enough to be allowed to go into the little sex hut back in the day of the Vikings.Today...I went to school, copied the chemistry homework from Paco. I love you babe. He saved my ass. Went to chemistry. We did standard chemistry procedure: goofed off, talked, learned a little about the atom. At the begining of class he sent Stephanie and Jordan off to room 425 with a fire estinguisher and a fire blanket. Jordan was instructed to say, in his deepest manliest voice, "I understand there's a fire here". You see, in 425 is a teacher who caused our school to have the longest fire drill in the history of the school (and we were built in the early 70's). It lasted an hour. You see, Mr. Chemistry Teacher (mine) did a model experiment and it turned out so well he thought Mr. 425 might like to show it to his students. When he did it, he used a nickel sized amount of something. He demonstrated it to Mr. 425 using a nickel sized amount. Mr. 425 did it with a 50-cent piece size. Twice. Causing mucho smoke and the fire alarm to go off. So, as a joke Mr. Chem Teacher sends students in every now and then :)

First break was shit. I was just being my happy goofy self when Robert shows up. He motions me to follow him "you, here, now." I go over, and he starts bitching me out. He's just like "how does Jude know? about you and me?" I explained to him that I went to her for advice. He was like "do you not know about me and Jude? No, you *do* know about me and Jude! I can't believe you told her, I can't believe you did that". Then he walked off. I was really really upset by this, and being the baby I am I cried. I just can't stand to see people upset and I can't stand to hurt someone, particularily one of my friends. So I just spent all of first break crying and everyone was like, he's an asshole, he's an asshole, forget him. Nic told me I could do so much better, no one liked Robert anyway. But it's like, I can't do better. Every time I think I'm doing better the guy leaves me for someone better.

Went to spanish upset. Ate good food. Got a little happier. Wrote an angry letter to Robert. Paco edited it saying that it wasn't mean enough. I planned to tell it all to Robert. It was all about how I wasn't going to let his sorry ass make me feel guilty just because he couldn't keep his dick in his pants. Second break I find Robert and I'm like...I forget what I said. I told him he didn't care about her that much if he'd go off and fuck other girls and blah blah. I only got about two sentances out when he just left. I was like, ahhh! I was so mad. I started to cry again and I got really angry and really violent. Haha, for me really violent is pushing someone's backpack. Ant came over and held my hands and told me to squeeze or to hit him or something, Fairie Chick, S, and Jessy were all on various sides of me hugging me. Grrrr. I was so angry.

Went to English. Ms. English Teacher is still not speaking to us. She gave us a short lecture though. Unfortunatly, we also had this stupid assignment that took like, an hour. It was part of the poem Through the Looking Glass by Lewis Carol (aka: Alice in Wonderland). It was entirely nonsense with made up words, and we had to determine what parts of speech each word was. It took forever :/

After school there was a Company Players meeting. Oh, wait, in English I wrote Robert a letter. Basically it said that I wasn't going to let him make me feel guilty or shitty, when I told Jude I didn't know the whole history between them, but he's wanted her for three years, and if she wanted to be with him she already would have been. I also said that he wouldn't have fucked two girls, fingered one, and hooked up with two more if he had really cared about Jude, but in my opinion he didn't care about anyone but himself. I also told him pretty nicely (for how I was feeling) that he was the one that initiated it and he certainly wasn't pushing me away when we were fucking. So don't blame me for Jude finding out because if you had kept your dick in your pants then there would be nothing for her to find out about. Oh, I also put a PS: she's with Cupcake, Get Over It!

I passed it to him at the Company Player's meeting. Apparently later on Jude told him that maybe, maybe, if she and Cupcake had broken up then she would possibly think about considering dating him. Maybe. But she's with Cupcake and she's happy with Cupcake and he blew his chance three years ago. Fairie Chick told him that there never was a him and Jude. Jessica and Charles were rubbing my back. I'm just so stressed and so angry. I'm not so angry at him as a person. So he's a bit of an asshole, most teenage boys are. I'm just so angry at him for how he made me feel. He tried to make me feel guilty and make me feel shitty and make me feel bad because he couldn't take responsibility for his own actions. And I fell for it. And then he had to go and make me feel so angry and so violent. I was ready to hit him, I really was. Vivi was like "I know, I know, you're so mad and you're such a sweet nice person, he's terrible for making you act like this". I'm not a violent person, and generally I'm not an angry person. At other people any way. And the fact that he made me feel like that - that's what pisses me off. I don't like feeling that way, I don't like being that way, I think it sucks. I'm not that kind of person, I'm just not, so when someone does something to make me want to physically hurt know it's bad. The only reason why I didn't sock him was because I'm not in the mood to get RPCed. I can't remember the last time I felt so angry I wanted to hurt someone besides myself.

So...grrrr. Then we went into the quad to eat. Everyone left it a mess with popcorn everywhere, Ms. F was like, oh no, so I swept it up. Duck was like "I'm goinig to do something for you at the next meeting!" and I'm like no no, I don't mind at all. Oh, and I hung out with Jessy and tagged a table with one of my poems. There are four tables in the quad and they're constantly being written and rewritten on with permanent markers. It always fades away though.

I also started my period today, to make it even better. It's the bad ovary. The PMS ovary. The one that leaves me with a constant lower-backache and horribly painful cramps. But tomorrow night I'm going to see Rocky Horror Picture Show. Hell yeah. pixie
I'm so cool. My new homepage is coming along nicely. You can check it out here. The URL is:
ffmo stands for fate fucks me over. It's about half way done. See, there are five main sections. One is my guestbook, one is my journal, one is my photoalbum (hosted by msn), so I really only have to do the other two. I'm about halfway done with one. There a lot of broken links *shrugs* I'm not using html because I'm just too tired to work with that and right now I see it as pointless. Maybe next time... *kiss kiss*

Thursday, November 08, 2001

PS: I saw the chick that Robert fingered. She's not that cute. So there.

I'm talking to Ashes. This chica is so awesome, it sucks that she is stranded on top of a mountain. But once she gets her liscence I will force her to drive down here so we can hang out. She asked me how I *feel* about the whole Robert thing. I feel like shit. Because, it's like, I'm never good enough for a guy. I feel like I'm never good enough for anyone. It's as if I'm just the appetizer, I'm the toy you play with until you get what you've really been waiting for. I've decided that sex = good, relationships = bad. I just don't want to be that friend that you say "I love her...but she's kind of a slut now), so I'm trying to pace myself.

I've decided to get a new journal. I never finished my old one but it's like, it's no longer me. The journal decorations are entirely Pixie Huggles and Elephant Kisses. That's not me anymore. I need to decide if I'm giong to print out the last month and have it as the end of my old one or the begining of my new one. We'll see. I have chemistry and spanish homework I need to do. I'll do it, I promise. I need to get my teachers to sign a paper tomorrow with my grade. I'm hoping my spanish teacher doesn't mention that I ditched. I feel very much empty right now. Like I'm here but I'm not. I look down at my hands typing away, but it doesn't seem like my hands. As if they don't belong to me. I look at my face and my everything, I do not feel like myself.

I'm glad that I don't have any sharp objects around, I will say that. We need more clubs in Vegas. More that will let underage kids in it anyway. I want to go and dance, at least I feel real then. I want to dance until I can't walk without moving to the beat. I want the music to pulse inside my veins. Unfortunatly, we have no places to dance like that.

Two ten-foot tall letterman jacket wearing jerks tried to squish me today. I wanted to stomp on their feet but I was wearing my adidas. Not good foot-stomping shoes. I'm redoing my entire homepage. I look at it and I *know* that it's not me anymore. I'm working on making a new one. It goes slowly. Well, I just felt like writing, I'll go now. Pixie
La La La

Today was a pretty boring day. I went back and read my last few entries and even I can see how crazy they sound. No, really, I'm not usually like that. I'm not usually so orgasmic about books. Okay, maybe I am. Today. Today was slow. I don't know if I mentioned that Jessica is talking to me again. She was standing by Fairie Chick, I wanted to tell Fairie Chick about how me and Robert are no more, but...I didn't really want to say it around Jessica. But, I'm sure she got word of it and now we're cool again. Robert hasn't been to school for a few days so it just doesn't come up. In world history amanda showed me her story line. Yeah, it sucked horribly bad. Not only was it stupid and not-cool, there was no way we could film it. Grrr. I gave Fairie Chick a copy of mine and I figure someone else can make it look all pretty - my stick figures work for me.
Geometry. I think my teacher is warming up to me. I made a bet with Angie that I could get an A on the quiz. I'm so earning myself a dollar, I think I only missed one, possibly two. Just because I know I didn't get a 100%. PE wasn't so bad because we're playing basketball. I hate basketball. I suck. I can't remember ever making a basket in basketball in all the years I've been playing it in PE. But, it doesn't give you time to stand around and contemplate how much you dislike the game, so the class goes by pretty quickly. Oh, I have a question. Why is it that you only *really really really* have to go pee on the days that you're locked out of your house. Does your bladder just sense that you're not going to be anywhere near a bathroom so it's going to get back at you for...doing something against it? I do think that's how it is. As a chica who gets locked out a lot, that's just the way it works.
I hung out in the theater room after school because my dad was going to pick me up at 1:30. Oh! Jah Love had to break up with his Bree. His mom said she was too young and started mentioning things about Missouri. I don't blame her, I really can see. Bree is only 14, he's 17. He always dates younger chicks. Even with me she was like "damnit Jah Love, you need to go out with girls your own age". Fairie Chick put it best as "older chicks won't put up with his shit, that's why he doesn't go out with them". I was sitting around with Duck, Chicago, Jonna, and Venezuela. Duck and I were reading their scripts. Chicago's was pretty funny, but I read like, the first line of Jonna's and started laughing. It's about how love is like a cup of coffee. It's all steaming and hot in the begining, but then it gets moldy and gross. But you take a sip anyway, just to make sure, and you realize how you need to throw it out. And then about how life is like a cup of coffee. There are so many different kinds and flavors, you can buy whatever you want. Until you realize they're so fucking expensive so you just go to 7-11 and buy 6 pounds of coffee beans for a dollar.
Duck and I were reading it out loud but she was like "no no, it's more mellow...think...Venezuela. Yeah, pretend like you're him talking." Well, Venezuela talks with a nice little Venezuelan accent and he doesn't talk much because he doesn't really know English! How am I supposed to talk like that? Well, to think like Venezuela I gotta look like him, right? I assemble myself on the ground how he is laying. Apparently that was really funny.Oh no oh no. I will say it again, I don't like being funny, it weirds me out. But, I had to dissapear because it was 1:35.
La de da, I was walking through the quad when Jah Love jumps out and hugs me, it was really creepy. My dad and I go to Barnes and Noble. I am soooo hungry from not eating all day (still don't have my wallet back), so I got a brownie frappucino, a bowl of turkey and mushroom soup (they always have really good soups), and a piece of snickers pie. And I ate it all. That's like, the biggest meal I've had in months. Unfortunatly we didn't have a lot of time to read because my dad and my mom...I don't know, I didn't listen to his excuse. They had two of Francesca Lia Block's new books. I tried to contain my orgasms while thinking of how was I going to steal them? I'm a horrible person and I'm going to hell. Kind of like how Jude refuses to buy compressed air (you know, to clean electronics) just because it's so stupid to pay for air, that's how I feel about books. You shouldn't have to pay money to buy books. It's like buying knowledge. Gah! Nonsensicle. I had a bad feeling, and the two little stick figures on my shoulders were fighting with each other. To steal or not to steal, to steal or not to steal. I decided to steal. That wasn't the biggest problem. The biggest problemo was working out the *how* to steal. I was wearing capris with no pockets, a t-shirt, and a sweatshirt. In the end I put two books in my kangaroo pocket, went into the bathroom and like, tucked them into the waistband of my capris. I was afraid I'd break the buttons, but, it worked. There was this chick in the bathroom. She had a suitcase and she was so gorgeous. She was wearing a long black skirt with a thigh high slit, and one of those shirts that I hate with only one shoulder. But it looked really good on her. I didn't get a close look at her because I feel awkward staring at people when they can see me. But, she was really gorgeous with short reddish hair. Wow.
Then I came to my next problem. I couldn't bend at the waist and I still had a while to go until it was time to leave. I slouched in a chair and started reading a book I hadn't stolen, Echo (by FLB). It's really good so far. About a girl whose mom is this beautiful angel who heals and helps and makes flowers and she's just an angel. Echo, her daughter, feels so inadequate in comparison. She just has freckles and brown hair, she can not make flowers bloom by touching them, she cannot make people stare at her. In her own words, the only things she can do well are "steal, smoke, and dance". Like all of FLB's books it's absolutely magical. I'm going back to the bookstore this weekend and I'm going to try to get three more books. I'm so horrible, but think of it as a favor to my parents. The less books on my Christmas list, the less they feel bad for not being able to get me more. Every Christmas we go through this. About how I have too much stuff on my list and they expect me to know that I can't get it all. They don't understand I put so much stuff on my list in order to still be surprised. If I put five things on my list, guess which 5 things are going to be under the tree? Exactly. I put 15 then I get surprised. What do I get? It puts the excitment back into it. Plus, my parents can decide what they want to get for me. It works out nicely, they just don't realize it.
I lost my ring today. In geometry I was playing with my fingers, feeling awkward in my own body when I realized that I wasn't wearing my ring. More specifically, the cheap ring Jah Love got me at Ren Fair that for some reason I never take off. I was so freaked out because I knew I hadn't taken it off so I had no idea where it could be. Last time this happened it ended up being on the floor in the theater room. It was on my nightstand. I had taken it off to put on lotion :)

Wednesday, November 07, 2001

Excuse me while I orgasm all over my keyboard. Oh. My. Geae. Fuck. I found the book. I know it's it, I absolutely know it. I'm confused, because I had a similar feeling for the book that I thought was it. You know why? Same author. Holy fuck me up my ass. This so rocks. I think I'm going to cry, I'm so excited. I'm this horrible bookworm, but this sort of stuff is really important to me. I don't know how to explain it to you so that you can understand. Most people think I'm crazy just for liking to read. I don't know how to sound sane and say that I'm going to cry because I found a book. It's impossible. Tomorrow my dad and I are going to Barnes and Noble. *crosses fingers* I hope one of the books are there so that I can reread it. Pixie
I think I just found the other book. I'm not sure yet. Holy Fuck, today might have just turned into the most awesome day ever. I don't know. I need to find someone who's read it and ask if the chicks kiss in a car. I will find someone tonight. It's my mission and I won't go to sleep until I do because I need to know. Ahh! This is so cool.
Truth, Dare, Or Promise

Oh. My. Buddah. I am so happy I can't comprehend. Like giddy happy. Eep! Moo! Ahhh!!! You see, when I was in like, I don't know. 6th or 7th grade. No, it was the summer after 5th grade. I was wandering the children/young adult floor of our library (I still can't bring myself to not go to that floor first, although I rarely check out books from there anymore. Like, never. I just spent so much time there. One of the librarian's knew me by name. I never knew her's though. She was a latina chick, in her late 20's. I think I reminded her of her. She used to let me stack my books on her desk so that an aid wouldn't accidently reshelf them. She used to play with my hair as I browsed the shelves. I remember stomping my foot because the limit back in the day was 21 books. And I would actually check out 21 books and read them all. I must have read the entire floor. So anyways, yeah, I was browsing the top floor. Having already picked out my books I was just sort of wandering around when I saw it. You know how they have the new books on top of the shelves? Yeah. Well, there was one that caught my eye. It was square. It said "Dare, Truth, or Promise" with a very close-up picture of two girls with their faces very close. Black and white. Like so many other bookworm queers, it was my first queer book, and it was great. It's your classic teenage lesbian love story. One girl from the wrong side of the tracks, one from the right. Guess which one doesn't know she's a lesbian yet? Of course, the latter. They fall wildly in love, until of course the right one's parents figure it out.

I've given up looking for it. I searched in the shelves, although I couldn't bring myself to ask the nice, new, old librarian with a golden cross around her neck if she'd ever read it. All I knew was the cover. And in searching for books for my Christmas list I found it. I actually screamed. My parents wanted to know what was the big deal. I just explained I found a book I was looking for for a really long time. I couldn't bring myself to telling them why I was so happy that I found it. I must must must have it. Those are the sorts of books that you need to have around you. Well, I think that every book you ever read you should have around you, but, this one is a necessity. I'm so ecstatic that I found it. Wow. This was the book that made me think "hey, you're allowed to *do that*? I think I like that". I was even more ecstatic that they had that in the children's part of the library, where they never had any good stuff, well, like *that* anyway. Incidently, in that same check out I had another queer book. Although I doubt I'll ever find that one. It didn't even have a distinctive cover. Actually, I didn't realize that there were chick-loving-chick's in it until I actually got to the part where they kissed. You'd never know unless you read it, because they entirely leave out the this is really a smutty teenage lesbian book!!!! off of the back cover. I don't think I'll ever find it, but that's okay because this one was a billion times better. I'm totally going to get it for Christmas. Fuck this shit, this rocks. You have no idea how cool this is.

I feel sorta bad. I've got like, three erotica books on my Christmas list (they're by Francesca Lia Block! c'mon now. It's not like I'm asking for "Best Bisexual Erotica" (although I want that one too), one book about a slut, one book about a teenage dominatrix, one book about being called a slut, a lot of druggie books, and a couple lesbian books. Oh my poor parents. And my CD list of course includes those hits families are always fond of, Marilyn Manson, Kittie, Nine Inch Nails, Linkin Park, and of course, Ani Difranco. Yeah. My poor parents. I feel bad for putting them through this but I certainly don't have the money to buy this stuff! Gah. I hate this whole let's-pretend game that never stops with my parents. Ahh well, nothing can keep me down now, I'm sooo stoked! Eep. Go get yourself a nice queer book to read. Oh, and now they have coffee that tastes like Butterfinger's. Wow. Go fucking figure. Score! Yay! You have no idea how cool this is.

Oh, and I think I've been listening to Ani Difranco too much lately. I really do feel bad for my parents. My mom comes home from school, she puts her books on the counter, I'm jamming out to Ani Difranco. Right as my mom turns around to pour herself a coke this comes out "my thighs have been in many accidents, and now i can't get inusred and i don't need to be lured, and my CUNT is built like a wound that won't heal". Seriously, the way she says cunt it needs to be in caps. I saw my mom pause for a second as I put on my headphones. Oops. I really want to yell "your perfect little son likes this chick too! That's gotta be ten times worse!" Yeah. The thing about Ani is I love her to pieces. I think she is so awesomely talented, as a song-writer, singer, and guitar player. I think she's beautiful and sexy and funny and cute (you should hear the songs I have live, she's so cuuute!) But it's so stereotypical I feel like I should shun her. Bullshit. I like my Ani, screw you. And I'll ask for my lesbian and erotica books damnit. Pixie
It doesn't matter how big it is,
it'll still get hard

*ahem* This was my part of today's discussion in chemistry about whether hardness is an extensive or intensive property. Naturally, being a high school chemistry class, it cracked everyone up. *sheepish grin* I'm not used to being funny, it makes me nervous when people laugh. I got my school pics. Oh my gosh, excuse me for being so out of charecter but I look flippin hott! Thank you Mr. Photographer who spent 15 minutes hitting on me and taking my pic. It all worked great in the end. I'm wearing my silver ball necklace, a black tank, and fishnet sleeves. My hair is in two buns on the side of my head. You can even see my freckles! And my teeth, oh my teeth! The first school picture since fifth grade that I didn't have braces. Hallelujah (is that how you spell it? Forgive me). Purple eyeshadow and perfect eyebrows and glossy lips finish the photo. A lot of people had a weird slant of their head - none of that in mine. Oh yeah. I've waited 10 years for a good school picture and I *finally* got it. I totally deserve this.

So, back to the point. I found out my chemistry grade but I won't tell you until I go into "my ass is grass" rant. Blah blah...talked to Vivi a lot. First break Nic asked me to ditch second. I'm not one to say no to a friend in need. So I ditched spanish. At first it was just Nic, Marshall and I (although Marshall doesn't really count because he graduated last year), but Bree came, as did Jonna and Kristen. We spent most of the time talking about religion and stuff. I just sorta sat on the ground and listened to them because, while I have a lot to say about religion and stuff, I was in the mood to listen. Towards the end I was feeling very blah. Just thinking about Robert and stuff. I spent second break laying on the floor, but it was okay. Vivi tried to cheer me up "hey, look, I'm wearing my cowboy shirt today" (she has a shirt that she's convinced makes her look like a cowboy. Our mascot is the cowboy, thereby implying she has school spirit, which she doesn't. Also, cowboy chicks aren't sexy, so we joke about her cowboy shirt).

I go to English. English is now the class that I despise even more than geometry. Why? Because it has the potential to be so much more than it is! This is what I wrote: today Ms. English-teacer made the statement that hit our class the loudest. She wrote us a note on the overhead and left it for us to read. Basically, she talked about how much our class sucks for her. Then she left us with four rules to be followed. 1. Do not speak. 2. No bathroom passes. Do not ask. 3. You are not allowed to miss any amount of class time for a school-related activity. Academics come first. Do not ask. 4. The agenda will be written on the board. Follow it completely. No talking. The agenda tells us what to do and when to do it. As far as I can tell, the only time she'll talk to us is to give us answers when we grade things.

I think that this sucks. If I was in a better mood to command the english language I might come up with a better word for 'sucks'. But I'm not in a better mood. I'm in the mood to say this sucks like a drunken gay boy. This was my favorite class because for the first time there was a teacher whoc ared enough to teach us a little more than the curriculum. The first person to ask us questions and to listen to the answers. Now we get nothing.

By the end of class I realized my mistake. She didn't even speak to us to grade the assignment that was due - she put the answers on an overhead. Time for the 'my ass is grass' rant. My grades, in current standing: chemistry: F-. I didn't know that you could have an F-, but apparently a 51% is. I'm missing four assignments. Fortunatly, my chem teacher is very awesome and will let me make them up. There is nothing he can do about my first quarter grade, but it'll bring up my semester grade which is what counts. Spanish: not sure. Probably a C. English: C. It was a 79.5 but she won't round it up (apparently she wrote it in her course expectations. I don't doubt it). World History: C. Geometry: F. PE: probably a C or D.

Can you believe it? I knew my grades would be shit but I didn't think that they would be *that* bad. I was expecting an A in English! I was expecting a C in chem. Ahhh. My parents are going to throw a hissy fit. My guess is that they'll be like, no no no, you need to have a 3.5. Which reminds me, I need to get progress reports tomorrow in order to get my grades on Friday. My mom gave me a little motivational speech yesterday. It went something like this: It's not that getting a B isn't okay, we just expect A's. Yeah, like that's going to make it better. I already have this inexplainable horrible fear of failing. Little speeches like entirely calm my fears. Fuck. I'm crying now just thinking about it. Is anyone curious as to why I get such bad grades? Let me go grab my stanines and you can see the frustration my mom feels.

I won't list 'strengths' because it's a long list. For 'needs' it just says "science, social studies, spelling". I hadn't had any science at that point, so blah to them. And bad social studies and spelling scores are pretty normal in my family. Percentiles come next. Let's say someone gets a 80% in something. That means that, compared to the entire nation of kids in that grade that took the test (which is any public school), the someone scored higher than 80%. Mine are:
reading: 97
vocabulary: 98
reading composite: 98
language: 99
language mechanics: 96
language composite: 99
math: 96
math computation: 99
science: 81
social studies: 62
spelling: 68

In other words, I shouldn't have a 1.8 GPA currently. Fuck. I don't know, it's just so blah. My mom came up with this great psychological analysis of why I'm so afraid of trying, but I forget it now. I'm so fucking retarded, I need to stop being a pussy and just get straight A's. It shouldn't be that hard, right? I'm supposedly pretty smart, right? So why is it that I haven't been able to do it since 5th grade? Gah.

But, I'm not going to dwell on that shit. I talk about it too much. I need to stop talking and start doing something. I feel so unintelligent in my head, though. I feel like I'm not that smart at all. But, some stupid tests says that I am, so why is it that I just can't do well? gah. I'm going to shut up now. The bus ride was interesting. There's this new kid, his name is Jimmy. He's a big guy with longish black hair. I'm guessing part native american, part mexican. He's very gothic. I sat next to him today because, well, it was the only seat open. I read my book (A Happy Death by Camus). This little kid was like "do you like to read for fun?" and I was like yeah...he was like, ahh! As if it's some horrible disease. He asked me what the book is about. It's really about a guy who feels dead inside, but, I didn't think he'd think that was cool. So I told him it was about a guy who killed people and took their money. Well, that's how the book starts so why not. He showed me his tag, which he's so proud of. "see, white boys can tag." It was actually pretty good, but I just laughed. That's when Jimmy told me he liked my boots. Wow, did he know how to get into my heart. He lives on the other side of the park from me, just came to our school from Rancho HS (because he moved in with his friend, but I didn't delve further). He doesn't eat a lot of peanut butter :/ Poor kid. No wonder he's gothic. *giggle* He asked me what kind of music I listened to. I hate this question, because "everything" doesn't fly with most people. They want to know specifically, but really, I do like everything. Right now I'm listening to "you can do it put your ass into it" (Ice Cube). Also on the play list is NIN. My walk home was spent thinking of some cutesy answer for when people ask me what kind of music I like. "Punk, alternative, ska, pop, Frank Sinatra, techno, and your standard lesbian chick rockers". Yeah, that's about it.

Is that it? Oh no! Last night! Oh my gosh! Guess who called me? That's right, Mr. Drunken One Night Stand himself. I was like...oh, uhh, hi Leon. I wasn't really wanting desperatly to hear from him, but whatever *shrugs* Then Miss Pink came over and we hung out. She gave Justin a drawing of her name in Thai because his stepdad is going to do her tat. Well, she wanted to get it the next day (which is today), which meant she'd have to get it there tonight (last night). She made a few phone calls and finally her friend Jon agrees to give us a ride. So, the three of us (her, me, and Justin) pile into Jon's car and go (my parents, of course, thought I was at her house helping her write a Breakfast at Tiffany's report). We went to Justin's stepdad's house, becuase that's currently where he's running shop until he finds a new building. Before you doubt his skills, I'll tell you this. He goes on Ozzfest every year and is a tat artist there. Don't believe me? Look at all his All - Access passes for every single band there and tell me it's not true. You just don't come by those very easily dears. So, we hung out there for a while. His stepdad is totally cool, his mom is so sweet. After we got dropped off (Justin and I) we hung out in front of his house for a while. He wanted my number, I wouldn't give it to him? Why? Because I knew that I'd want to go over to his house. What's wrong with that? Because I don't trust myself around him. He is hot and he knows how to say all the right things and I just don't want that right now. I told him there were other issues. He asked if it was because he'd be turning 18 soon, I laughed and told him Leon was 24.

Apparently he called Fairie Chick last night and she thinks it might be a good idea for me to be interested in him. Let me remind you that this is the guy Fairie Chick lost her virginity to. And, she regrets it. I'm sorta just like no no, but we'll see how it pans out.

My mom just came home a minute ago. I thought about whether or not I should tell her about my unexpected chemistry and english grade. She was not too happy about it. She used a lot of explicitives. She basically made me feel like shit and told me to get off the computer. Now. But she's gone now, so it doesn't matter. she can't monitor me when she's not home. She also gave me a friendly little reminder that I need to get my grades checked on Friday and if they're not a 3.0, at least, that I will have no phone, no computer, no TV, no leisure reading, no going out, no after-school stuff - and this is new to the list - no being anywhere but at the table. Friday we will be all of two classes into the new quarter. I'm figuring my teachers will roll their eyes and say that they haven't even put any grades intot he computer yet. That's when I'll tell them to just put down an estimate - like, perhaps an A. I need to go wash my face or something. Fuck. I know it's my own fault, I should have done the work and I should be smarter and I should do better. It's my fault that I'm where I'm at. I just sorta wish it wasn't. pixie

Tuesday, November 06, 2001

Maybe Not

Went to school. It sucked. Ummm, in world history Jessica is still not talking to me. I have a C in that class. I was expecting a fucking A. Ahhhh. Jesse and I passed a few notes. He liked my thong, lol. First break was sorta good. I hugged Robert and hung out mostly. I got pictures of Jude and Cupcake from Homecoming (they look sooo cute together! Even if Cupcake is pocket-sized). And then I saw Robert looking at Jude. I went to geometry, I actually did the homework, yay. Go me. But I didn't have my geometry binder so I was missing the first assignment. I copied it quickly before she came by. So, yeah, that's good. I wrote Robert a note. Basically it said that I really like him, and I know he doesn't like Jessica and I'm sick of putting other people's happiness in front of my own. But I knew that he still liked Jude, and if he ever got over Jude a little more then to give me a call. I had to tell Steven about my weekend, I couldn't resist. Steven offered me 50 bucks just to introduce him to Bree. I was casual of course, "so, how was your weekend?" Turns out he was grounded. Bummer. Of course he asked me how mine was. I just said "I got really wasted and didn't get home until 7am. Oh, and there was that incident involving me, Bree, two other girls, and a big bed". Ohh, the look on his face was so classic. I thought he was going to pass out. I'm so evil, I know. But c'mon, this is Steven. Steven who I was insanely crushing on last year, Steven who begs to see some girl-on-girl action every time I see him. Steven, who is immensly annoying at times but smells so yummy with the cutest curly hair. You can't blame me, can you?

I gave Robert the note. I spent second break sitting on Nic's lap with Kristen. I looked over and saw Robert hugging Jessica, I'm not sure what that was about. I went to PE, I talked to Cindi. She's got two new boyfriends. Every single time I see her in that class she's got a new boyfriend. *laughs* I brought up Robert and she had this look on her face. Ahh! She knew something. I could tell that she knew something, it was so apparent. I begged, I pleaded - she refused. Finally I pointed out how I told her about all the things Mikal had said about her, how I had stood by her, girls need to stick together, right? And I threatened to not talk to her all class. This is a two hour class and she's my only friend and vice versa. She gave in. Basically she was talking to Robert and she was like "yeah, you and Brittany should hook up" and he was just like "ehhhh". I guess he's saying how he doesn't think that anything serious will come out of it, or anything will come out of it at all, and he still likes Jude but he was planning on telling me sometime soon. I'm sure she's not telling me everything, but *sigh*. We had to play basketball. I fucking hate that game.

I was talking to her as we were playing horse and I was just like: "I don't need Robert, nope. He's not that cute after all. The sex wasn't *that* great. It's not like he makes me happy or anything. It's not like I've liked him for a long time or anything. He's not that smart, he's always busy, and he's not really my type after all." She just looked at me and started yelling "Liar! Liar! He is that cute and the sex was that great and you totally want him!" *sigh* We sighed together.

After school I was looking for Jah Love (he's finally got his car and he can drive, yay! Congrats kiddo). But, he was no where to be found. I saw Robert. Of course I jumped up and gave him a hug. I told him to call me sometime, he was like "umm....I don't think I have your number. I'll just see you tomorrow". I was confused for a bit until I remembered my note. Of course. I told him to call me when he got a little bit more over Jude. My own stupidity. I sighed and trudged towards my bus. Now I'm here, at home, being bummed out. Fuck me up my ass with a big purple dildo. I just wish that I'd have some sort of luck with someone.

Oh, I had the strangest dream last night! I dreamt that I was standing in front of the thermostat (which is next to the smoke detector, which has been beeping at me lately) and I saw this water dripping. Just sort of drop drop. I realized that it wasn't water, it was little fire balls. Like, the size of a water droplet, but just a droplet of fire. I ignored it and ignored it, figuring they were too small to start a fire. I don't know how, but it started a fire. One landed on the vaccuum cord (which was plugged in). The cord lit up with fire, I ran out of the house across the street to Justin's house, to get his stepdad. I don't know why I didn't run to the house next to there's where a firefighter lives. Silly me. The house was majorly on fire by then, I was like oh shit, my mom's needlepoint! I told him to get the needlepoint and he did, then we called 911. The fire department came and put out the fire, but the house was basically burned to a crisp. I needed a place to stay (not sure where my brother or parents were), so Justin's stepdad told me I could sleep over there. Fairie Chick appeared, I guess she was supposed to spend the night at my house. We went into Justin's house and I was hoping to sleep in Justin's room, I'm not sure why, but I actually wanted to. There were all these people there, apparently for a family reuinin, so we ended up being in Justin's room after all. As we creeped in we realized that he was having sex with a girl, and I was so disapointed. Then I woke up.

Creepy. It's my fault, I was spooking myself last night by reading about Charles Manson a lot more than I should have. Every now and then I go into this mass killer reading spree, finding out tons of information about mass murderers. Well, y'know, I've got a lot of free time. Pixie

Monday, November 05, 2001

Decisions, Decisions

Today was a rather interesting day. Came to school. Went to chemistry. We had a substitute :/ First break was spent just hanging out, talking to Nic and stuff. I gave Robert a long tight hug. I went to Spanish, where I made my choice. This is what I wrote: so, I have finally come to the conclusion that I can't let my life revolve around everyone else. I have spent too much of my life being unhappy so that other people can be happy. Quite frankly, I'm sick of it. I spent a long time working my ass off for the approval of others. What did it get me? A big fat breakdown and nothing else. What will I get by spending my life unhappy and putting other's in front of me? A big fat nothing. I am going to stop this bullshit right now. I want Robert, and that is all there is to it.

Second break I pissed off S. In that "I hate you I'm jealous of you you will die now" kind of way. *smirk* She found out that me, Kristen, Fairie Chick, and Bree had some fun. I forgot to mention that not only was the bed the Bed Of Babes that Jah Love wanted, but it was aslo the Bed Of Babes that S Wanted. She currently likes Kristen, she's always liked Bree, and ya'll know the long story of Fairie Chick and I. I thought she was going to kill me. Hehe. Kristen wanted to buy some pizza, so I was walking with her. As we left the drama room Robert grabbed me to hug me and find out where I was going. I was all happy and hugging him. He asked me where Jessica was, I told him she wasn't there for the day. He was all "ooh...I see". There was no pizza to be found. But hey, I walked through the courtyard, right past Brian Q, no panic attacks needed. Yay! We went back to the theater room and I hugged and talked to Robert for a bit. I'm really happy that I made a choice. I'm really happy when I'm around him and when I'm touching him and being with him. If only he would call me every now and then!

English was fun. We got new seats, again. I sit next to the girl who says 'fag' too much, across from this little chick named Adina, and Vivi sits next to her. Oh, I planned a picnic! Vivi and I have decided that we should have a picnic :) We're basically inviting everyone, and it's going to be the coolest funnest picnic ever. Hell yeah. Oh, and in case you were wondering, the porn party was a dud. It was just Nic and four of his best guy friends. Sausages only. Three of the five had already seen the porn they were watching. We discussed a lot of philisophical kind of questions, and Vivi and I talked about plans. Adina was just like "ahhh!" because we were talking about Naked Twister, the porn party, last weekend, and next weekend.

Now I'm here and home. Mucho tired. I've got to do some worl history and geometry homework though, which is quite the bummer. But, ahh well. I guess the main point is to tell you that I'm going to/want to/will be with Robert. Everyone pretty much supports my decision. Everyone being Vivi and Kristen. Well, as Vivi put it she was just like, if the situation were reversed, would Jessy be with Robert? She would. So why shouldn't I? If she ever drags her bum to school and starts takling to me again then maybe we can talk about it. But...till then, I'm all good.

Oh! Wait! How could I forget! Jesse. That's J-E-S-S-E, different from jessY. He sits at the table next to us, directly behind me. He had been being goofy with me all day, in a quiet sort of way. Eventually he pulls out a note that says "you're hot" (among other things, it was a lengthy note, I think with the girl that sat across from him), so he circles the "you're hot" and points to me. Of course I grab a piece of paper and wrote him a note saying that he only liked the fishnets and the boots (I was wearing my boots, tight black pleather pants, a black tank top with a black tight top that was 3/4 length and then long sleeved fishnets underneath). He was like "no, I like everything". I wrote "no, you like everyone". He was like, ahh, no, I like Savana, Rebekha, and you. I called him a cocky asshole adn told him I liked him last year but he didn't like me so hmph (he was in my spanish class last year, and I totally liked him). He was like, no, I liked you last year too. To make a long note short he's got my number. *shrugs* The only thing he's got going for him was when he said Manda was wierd and gross. The fact that he would call this all - american - pretty - size - 0 girl weird is beyond me. The fact that he would call her gross is...well, truthful. Not really. It's just that she gets around and she doesn't always use protection and that's gross in *my* opinion. I don't know why he thinks she's gross, but ahhh well. I still like Robert, but I think it's funny. Pixie

Sunday, November 04, 2001

on a 1500 question test ( it said that I was 67% pure. The average purity is 76%.
I just retook's purity test. Last time I was 51% pure. This time I'm 43% pure. Oh I'm bad :D Let's go take a more...extensive one. Pixie
oh, and PS: I'm going to get myself on the pill in a few weeks, yup. It's just something I really need to do, and after mucho talking with Bree I realize that I really should.
If You Guys Don't Stop Drinking...

...then the next Company Players meeting is going to be more like an AA meeting. Ahh, I love Ashley. Hehe. I also love it when my blog gets enough attention that people try to get me to pay for them to do shit to it. That's fun too. I'm glad it gets that much attention. It deserves it. So, I snuck out last night. There is something about getting ready to sneak out that is amazing. There is just this electricity of anticipation in the air. I love that. So, I snuck out and was having a bitch of a time because the side gate was stuck (tomorrow after school I'm going to try to see if I can possibly get the back gate to perform a miracle - open! Sneaking out would be so much easier if it would), not to mention I was already late for meeting Kristen. I ran a good part of the three or four blocks to the intersection where we were supposed to meet. No Kristen. I was sorta freadked out because we hadn't discussed a game plan if one of us was late. It appeared that she wasn't down the street. I crossed my fingers and walked up towards the intersection. A blonde, white-sweatshirt wearing figure bounded across 6 lanes to meet me. It was her. . We talked as we walked towards Fairie chick's. We ran into her about two blocks before her house (see, Fairie Chick and I made a gameplan. If I wasn't there she'd start walking up towards me, and if she wasn't there I would wait). We all talked as we walked to Blueberry Hill. Mostly about nothing, sometimes about something. Just stuff.

When we arrived, Cupcake, Jude, Justin, Super Ego, and Becky were there. Soon came Jenabe and her friend, and Bree M. We were all trying to keep the atmosphere light - it worked. Super Ego winked at all of us, one at a time. I'm not sure why, but there is something about him winking at you that makes you giggle and get shy. Even Jude dd! He's got this wink (obviously practiced, in my own opinion *smirk*), and it makes you giggle and blush like a girl who hasn't seen a man for six years. It's an amazing power that no man should have, especially Super Ego!

Leon, Julie, and Ashley came later. Julie and Leon left pretty quickly. Bree wnated to take Super Ego to meet her boss, Vicky. Fairie Chick, Kristen and I tagged along. After racing through the parking lot and pulling a few cartwheels, we were at Bree's work (a grocery store) where we fond Vicky. Vicky is this mondo astrology-babe. We were introduced not by our names but by our signs. Vicky was quite surprised to find Bree's sign hanging out with other girls. Turns out all of our signs are not supposed to like being with other chicas, which was a strange but cool discovery.

We wandered back into Blueberry Hill. Everyone decided that they didn't want to go home. Jenabe left to go do Rocky Horror, and Becky and Super Ego had to go home, but the rest of us were not digging it. We opted to go to Bree's house. We were all dissapointed because Bree told us that she wouldn't have any alchohol. Surprise surprise, her mom had restocked the mini-fridge (which, btw, is in Bree's room. That should give you an idea of what kind of mom she has). We had planned to just mix it with pineapple juice and drink it. Somehow that turned into shooting it straight. Right away me, Fairie Chick, Bree, and Kristen all did about six shots each. That pretty much wasted the bottle, but we still had beer so no one complained.

It was mostly just us hanging out. I spent a lot of time talking to Bree and eventually it came out that I look up to her like, hella mucho. She was just wow, someone looks up to me? We talked a lot about sex, sexual liberation *sly grin* and everyon's buddy relationships and dramas. Ashley left at like, 1. No one left with her, even though her and Jude were our only drivers. Jude left at 2:30 and took Cupcake and Justin with her. Bree was like, no no, you four are going to stay after everyone leaves, aren't you? So of course we did, leaving ourselves with no way to get home.

Cupcake leaving was really sad, but really drunken. I'm sorta glad it was like that, though. Well, not us being drunken. But, I think it would be a bummer to have your last memory with all your friends with everyone crying. Personally, I'd rather have everyone happy and upbeak. We all kissed him about a billion times and hugged him about a billion times.

That's when Kristen got relaly upset (after everyone left) and started to cry these horribly sad sobs. We all cuddled with her and stroked her hair (as we had been doing all night) and talked to her about it. Finally Bree got up and was like, this is what I do when I'm upset. She turned off all the lights except for one dim lamp, turned the TV on with the sound of, and Marilyn Manson got a bit louder. Eventually, I'm not sure how r why, but we all ended up biting each other. For the life of me I really don't konw how or why it started. There wasn't any kissing or any removal of clothing, mostly just biting and sucking. This lasted for I'm not sure how long. Bree and I both have hickies on our chest, and Kristen had about 11 huge ones on her neck. Kristen kept saying "and I don't even like girls". She was drunk and horny, it's understandable.

Bree set her alarm for like, 6:00 because Kristen, Fairie chick and I had to get home eraly and it was a long walk. We also called Jah Love. Mostly because we could remember his number and we thought that he might appreciate the four of us having fun (considering that he has wanted all of us at some point). He didn't. He wanted to go back to sleep. We called him a few more times, but let him sleep for the rest of the night. But really, it was like, the Bed of Babes That Jah Love Wanted.

We went to sleep (read: passed out in a drunken stupor) and slept through the alarm clock for 20 minutes. that is when the bad shit started happening. Kristen's cell phone rang. It was her house. After a few times of not answering, finally I answered it. I asked the person if they were Kristen's sister. The person said they were, and she wanted to know where Kristen was. I said she was right here at Bree's house. The person wanted to know why. I explained how Cupcake was leaving and we were all saying bye, and how Bree became very very upset and she needed some support. We thought she would hurt herself. The person then told me they were Kristen's mom.

Kristen talked to her mom for a while. Her mom was basically being an uncool person. Making cheap low-blow's about how "here we go again" (in referance to Kristen's sister's past). She wanted to know where Bree's mom was. This caused a bit of confusion because we weren't sure if she was asleep or at work. We said she was at work, but it turned out she had been asleep. Kristen's mom talked to her for a while.

They hung up, and we talked to Tina (Bree's mom) for just a bit. She asked us which of us had snuck out. The three of us raised our hands. She sighed and asked which of us was the one that got caught. That was Kristen. we told Tina the story we had given Kristen's parents, and then Kristen left to wait on a corner for them. Tina asked Fairie Chick and I how we were getting home. We sorta coughed and said that we'd be walking. Tina was not down with this and said she'd give us a ride. I was relieved, because while I didn't want to be a drunken burden at 7 am (well, we were all pretty much coming down, but yo know how it is), it would have taken me about an hour and a half to walk home.

We talked to her about why we had to sneak out, she dropped us off at our respective homes. The sun had already risen, but I snuck back in without a glitch. The tape on the door was secure. Score! I was home free. I set my alarm clock for 11:15 but ended up waking up at 10:30. No hangover, no sickness. Fairie Chick called me this morning and we told our sneaking-back-in stories. We both agree that it was mondo cool that last night happened. We needed it. However, we're both really worried about Kristen. I hope she's not in too much trouble :(

Oh, right, and explaining the first sentance. After the 20 minutes it took us to finish a bottle of vodka, Ashley joked about how she was going to end up being our AA counselor and how Company Players meetings would turn into AA meetings. It was a fun night. Pixie