Saturday, November 03, 2001

She Doesn't Get It

Why is it so hard for a parent to understand when they are not a part of their child's life? I'm not allowed to go to Nic's today because she doesn't know him, she's never met him. Has it ever occured to her that she has met a total of three, count them three of the friends that I hang out with. Jessica, Fairie Chick, and Paco. My dad has met Kristen, from taking her home. Letting your kid go places with people you've never met is just a part of the way it works when you're not a part of your kid's life. My mom couldn't tell you my favorite color, my favorite author, or even what I spend my hours online doing. She doesn't know what music I like, who my friends are, or which classes I like. She doesn't notice when I'm wearing my friend's clothes because she doesn't know what my clothes look like any more (which is helpful because a lot of things work their way into my wardrobe that I'd never have money to pay for). My mom doesn't know that I write poetry (the only poetry of mine she's ever read was for an assignment I had to do in eight grade. She came across the assignment months after it had been turned in and was shocked that I wasn't too bad. I started writing when I was in fifth grade). She doesn't know me at all. Therefor she needs to get over herself and realize it.

My brother saw what I did to my Buddy Lee. The big sunglasses, the blue wig. He thought it was the most slinkster cool thing ever, and right now my brother is actually going to the mall with his friends (that my mom has never met) wearing the blue wig. Hehe. He'd never make a good transvestite. Oh, and I can't spend the night at Kristen's tonight. We had an all new plan because she has to go see a play tonight. So, she was going to have her parents drop her off afterwards. At that point I'd act like her dad was there to pick me up, so I'd get my stuff and leave. We'd go to wal mart or Fairie Chick's or wherever to hang out until Blueberry Hill. Afterwards we'd go to her house and sleep in the RV. But, we need a new plan now because my mom doesn't want me leaving tonight. Ha. Little does she know. Pixie
I Don't Like Change

Can I say it enough? I downloaded Aimster again today. It's a constant fight of downloading it, downloading all the songs I want, and uninstalling it. We just don't have the room for any more programs. We have another hardrive, with tons more memory, but my brother refuses to do it and I'm too stupid and uncaring to do it. I'm also not looking forward to it because I'll have to redownload everything. I woke up early today, because I went to bed early last night. I dreamed about babies, giving birth, something like that. I know, what do I need, a slap in the face? Yo Fate, I get the symbolism here, I'm changing, being reborn, blah blah. You don't need to cloud my sleep with it too. I finished Crooked Little Heart by Anne Lamott last night. Not as good as Rosie, but still good. Towards the end I was just reading it to finish it, so I'm not quite sure how it ended. *shrugs* This morning I went to pick up a new book. I've got four or five that I still haven't read. One by Hemmingway, a few by Camus, one by Plato/Socrates. Instead of choosing one of those, I picked up Speak. I've read Speak before, it's a good book, a comfortable book. You can read it knowing what's going to happen, knowing you won't be disapointed, knowing you don't need to put up with any change.

I'm about halfway through it. It's as good as it was the first time I read it. I also started on my Christmas list. I desperatly need/want new clothes, and I know that I can only get the clothes that I want from my parents. But...instead I'm soley asking for books and CDs from them, and I'll buy clothes from money that I get from other family members. But, everyone is having hard times, I don't expect much. If I can buy one new outfit I'll be plenty happy. I want to start dancing again. I miss it. Dancing grounded me, it gave me a place in my body, a place in my world. But, Joey is gone. My jazz teacher. I've had awesome luck with jazz teachers. Jeanette Neil and Joey, they were both so wonderful, so great. There is no place I'd rather be than in their classes. And Fairie Chick isn't in jazz, she was basically my only friend there. I don't know why, but I've never really made friends in dance classes. I'm too serious, probably. I don't think I'll start dancing again for a long while though. I just need to be with myself right now, figure things out.

I'm going to call Paco though. I need to go to the mall to get Bobby some new balls because I lost his. Paco and I haven't hung out for a long time. We used to talk every night on the phone, and go out every weekend. We miss each other. I also want to get some books. I just don't know if I have the energy right now. Maybe later. Nic's porn party is sometime today. It's all up in the air though, because of his work schedule. I want to paint, but I don't have any paint or canvas. I never really liked to paint anyway. I want to sketch, but I'm out of paper and I can't find my pencils. I should ask for those for Christmas too. I like the hard pencils though. Hmmm. I don't know. I don't want to talk, I don't want to speak, I just want to be alone with myself. Time for Tetris, methinks.

xoxox,
Pixie

Friday, November 02, 2001

Tired

This'll be short, sweet, and to the point because I'm quite tired. This morning I just couldn't drag myself out of bed and declared it an ultimate lazy day. This is a habit that I seem to be doing more and more often these days. I wore my hella baggy red pants, my old, worn, comfy adidas, and a blue spaghetti strap shirt with no bra. Plus a sweatshirt because it was cold. Before school I was in the theatre room and the first thing Duck said to me was "Brittany baby, you need to get some sleep". Haha, I had actually gotten like, 7 hours! I just had really dark bags under my eyes. He was listening to all 4 one on the computer. Old skool. So we were all dancing around. I walked to world history, catching up to Jessica, walking in silence. We sat next to each other, in silence. We worked in the same group, in silence (we also took a test, which I'm sure I failed). We walked back to the theatre room, in silence.

I don't remember first break. Then I went to geometry. We had a substitute, score! Micheal was all "wow, you're here on time!" I told him I had done my homework and he pantamined a heart attack :D Love you too babe. Our sub was mostly interested in napping, so we were quite. I was sitting with Stevan, and I could just smell him. I love his yummy smell, I don't know what it is, but it is just so...mmmm. Makes you just want to sigh. Don't really remember second break either. I remember Jessy not talking to me and that's sorta it. Went to PE, got a high B on that test, taked to Cindi a lot. Mostly about Robert, since he's in her German class.

After school I went into the theatre room because I was supposed to go home with Fairie Chick, Jessica, and Amanda, but she had a tech meeting. Well, Jessy had band stuff so couldn't come, and Manda would come over later. I was just sitting there by myself. Robert was there, he left, he came back, he saw me, he came over. Apparently he was looking for me. I was sucking my thumb. We talked for a few minutes, mostly about nothing. Then freshman Bobby came over and we talked about my ass for a while. Bobby left. Robert and I just sat there in silence, I think. I don't really remember. We accompanied Fairie Chick to buy a drink, but we had to go through the theater to get to the caf. I went down the side steps with Robert and gave him a quick kiss. Fairie Chick was ahead of us. He asked me if we had to hide from her too, I told him no because there was no 'we' therefor there wasn't a reason to hide. By then we were in the caf, but he dragged me into the theatre. He thinks that it's unfair that we're both going to be unhappy just so that Jessica can be unhappy too. I told him it wasn't fair that my best friend wasn't talking to me. He just sighed because he knows that I won't change my mind. My friends have always been the most important people in my life. The three of us walked out the back stage doors. Robert and I were just sorta lingering and Fairie Chick just said to us "kiss goodbye or whatever, then catch up." I wasn't planning on kissing him goodbye. We just looked at each other. The pain in his eyes was so...apparent. It hurt me to look at him. I told him to call me, he said he'd be busy, I told him that was fine, then don't call me, he said that he wanted to. It was just all a cover for how we really feel. I don't know how, but we were having a totally different conversation then what we were speaking. He hugged me, I gave him a kiss before I walked away. Just a peck. Just the sort that is not even a taste, that makes you groan because you want so much more, that drive you insane because it just reminds you how much you want that person. If you can't tell, I've had quite a few of these kisses in my life.

Fairie Chick and I walked to her house. Manda came over. We mostly just sat around talking about sex and birth control and school and the people we knew, the things we'd seen. Manda left. Fairie Chick and I opted to spend the rest of the day not working on our English project. We got a big container of ice cream and ate straight from it with spoons. Talking, giggling, singing (quietly because her mom's girlfriend was studying). We talked about Robert a lot. Survey says I really just out to talk to Jessica. But I don't want to talk to her. I know what I did was wrong, I'm feeling really shitty. She's going to be really angry. The funny thing is that almost a year ago this exact same thing happened to Jessica, with her best friend, Sarah, and a guy named Mikey. Sarah and Jessica liked Mikey. Mikey liked Jessica. On New Year's they all got quite drunk, and Jessica ended up hooking up with Mikey. That's why Sarah stopped talking to her, that's how Jessica ended up being my best friend. They didn't start talking until Jessica's mom started to die very very fast, when her lung collapsed. Now Sarah and Mikey are together.

Finally we came to the question of why do I like Robert. Why do I? Why do I like anyone? My track record hasn't been that great - I seem to like the strangest people. The people that seem so unlike me, too unlike me. I started talking. Physically I find him attractive, with his bright pink hair, blue/green/hazel eyes (I can't quite describe the color since this school year he has permanetly affixed red tinted sunglasses to his head), his pale skin. He's tall and thin, but not wirey or skinny. His goofy little smile. His skin. His hands and his hugs. The way that he cares, which is not like anyone else. The way that I can really talk to him for hours (or, we could back when he wasn't so busy). The way that I can look into his eyes and know exactly what he is feeling. The way that I don't feel I have to put up a front at all with him. I don't have to act like anyone, which is strange since I never act like myself.

As I wind down talking about all the things I like about him, Fairie Chick announces that she taped the whole thing! Oh dear. We watched it, we laughed. We talked some more, again, she announced that she had been taping me again, we watched it, we laughed. I like watching myself on camera, studying myself - since I'm really the only person I never get a chance to observe. At some point I want to have a video diary instead of a written one, but right now I dont' have the time, money, or security for that. I figit too much. I'm constantly wringing my hands, or playing with my hair. I cover my face when I laugh. My voice is high pitched and...annoying. I don't make eye contact.

We switched places, and I got her to talk for a long time. We watched it, we laughed. We went on the computer to rotten.com. She's the only person I know that I could actually sit there and look at these things with the same morbid curiousity that I have. The whole night was really reaffirming our friendship. Saying hey, it's still strong, we're still the same even though we're both changing (which is something I'm not coming to terms with too well, obviously. Fairie Chick says it well: Shes growing out of her niave giddyness happy self (sadly yes) and shes becoming aware of her own emotions and needs, and ya thats gonna bring her attitude down quite a few notches, but when she can see what she needs, and learn to satisfy herself shes going to be able to be much happier. I like being naive, giddy and happy. I like being unaware and uncaring about myself, my emotions, my needs. I like being the one that gives up everything for other people. Blah).

I came home...talked to Kristen for a while. We're all busting out tomorrow night. You see, Cupcake leaves Sunday, so at 11:30pm everyone is meeting at Blueberry Hill (a breakfast place that's open 24/7). Kristen is sneaking out of her house and walking to mine, I'm sneaking out of mine and we're walking to Fairie Chick's. Fairie Chick is sneaking out of hers and then we'll all walk down to Blueberry Hill). We talked and talked and talked, which is good because lately we haven't had a chance to really sit down and talk. I've got a lot of friends right now, which is really strange. I'm used to just having like, two or three close friends. All through middle school it was Sperm Girl, Poodle Girl, and Crystal. That was mostly it. Now I've got Fairie Chick, Jessica (sorta), and Kristen as my very best friends. Vivi, Cindi, and Char as my very good friends. Jude, Cupcake, and a few other people as my good friends that I can go to for advice and help and comforting. It's hard to sit down and talk to all those people; you end up missing a lot.

I also talked to Mikal for a little while. He likes this girl named Vanessa. I'm happy for him. We talked about Nic for a bit. Life would be easy if I would just go and really like Nic. It would make everything so uncomplicated. Jessica wouldn't hate me as much, Robert could pine away over Jude for another couple of years, and it would be all good. But...I can't help it. I just sorta like Nic. I used to really like Nic, but now I just sorta like him. And I really like Robert. It's all blah. I have no idea what I'm going to end up doing. We'll just have to wait it out and see.

Right now everything is an overload. Mostly an overload of people and new dramas. In elementary school I didn't really have the time because I switched schools a lot. I left Rowe in the middle of first grade to Katz. I went to Lummis for second grade, and then to Rowe for third, fourth, and fifth. Just as I started to get comfortable, I went to middle school. At the begining of middle school all the Rowe kids hung out together. There were only about 20 of us, not even, in the whole school. Half of us were popular, the other half weren't. I was with the half that wasn't. We all hung out, Sperm Girl, Felicia, her friend Kristi, Beatrice. Then people ended up leaving and I had a whole new set of friends. Sperm Girl, Poodle Girl, Crystal, and Nina. Then there were the boys: Brian, Jason, Josh, Pat, Galen. That crowd basically lasted all during middle school. At the begining of high school all the boys were gone. In 8th grade we had merged with Tori's crowd, but then there was that fight and we all just sort of splattered. Then Brian and Josh were too punk/skater/cool to talk to us. Jason was a football player, 'nuff said. Pat and Galen sorta disapeared. In the middle of freshman year I went and hung out with Jessica, then we migrated to the theater and I had my little crowd. This year it's an all new crowd. Kristen came and we became friends, which introduced me to Nic, Bree M., Adam, Bob, and all of them. And it's just like, ahh! Every time I get comfortable with people it all goes haywire and suddenly it all changes. I don't like change. You can't control change. Change hurts people, it takes people away, it thrusts new people in front of you. For a control freak like me, this is not good news.

I'm sleepy, I wrote way more then I was planning. Pixie

Thursday, November 01, 2001

Fate Fucks Me Over

Jessica knows. And Fairie Chick knows. I told Fairie Chick because she's been quite upset in her blog becuase she feels we've been growing apart. For those of you that didn't know, Robert is Sex Toy. Anything I've said about Sex Toy is true about Robert, and vice versa. For any of you that know me in real life, I'll remind you again kindly that it is a privlige not many people have to be able to get into my head like this, to get into my life like this, and I'll ask you to keep your knowledge to yourself.

So, I called Robert tonight, and we talked. And, I guess he walks into the drama room and Crystal and Melinda are making out, and he wants to join in so the three of them head into the theater, where he runs into Jessica and she joins with them too. And I guess she wanted to have sex with him or something but he was like, no no. The end being of them talking and him saying that he doesn't like her, and he does like me, and more has happened between him and I then I've implied. So, yeah, we're basically pretty much betting that she knows. She knows that I had sex with someone, the same day that I talked to Robert. She knows that things between Robert and I were weird the next day. She knows that I was really upset today. She'd have to be stupid not to get it, and Jessica is very very smart.

I called Fairie Chick and just spent the past hour or so crying to her. I feel like I'm a horrible person, I am a horrible person and I'm a bitch too and I don't like this. I don't like feeling angry at Jessica for not noticing my feelings for Robert, I don't like feeling angry at myself for being a bad person. Don't try to fool yourself, I really am. As nice as I try to be and pretend to be...I fucked the guy that my best friend liked. A month ago I went out with the guy that my best friend (Fairie Chick) still had feelings for (Jah Love). The Pixie I used to be would never do that, not ever. She would have backed away and she would have meant it. She would have forced herself to not feel how she felt or she would have forced herself to push back her feelings to the point where she didn't remember it anymore. Instead, she went out with him. Albeit it was dramatic, but the whole time I was hoping that I could end up being with Jah Love. I was hoping wishing praying. The old Pixie wouldn't have done that.

Fairie Chick says that I'm just growing and changing and that's okay. But it's not okay to me. She says that I'm just experiencing human emotions and that's okay. But it's not okay to me. I expect more from myself then I expect from most poeple, and one of the things I do expect is to completely and utterly put other people's happiness before mine. I don't want my happiness to be in front of theirs. I never did. I already had my little stage of going out with many many guys, hopping from one to the other, cheating on them, not thinking about anyone but myself. I had that, I didn't like it, and I changed. I became this person taht put everyone's happiness in front of her own. I became this person that didn't even *think* about putting her own happiness in front of other's. Quite frankly, I don't want to start now.

Maybe it's just there has never been anyone that I felt strongly enough to put my feelings in front of other's for. Now that I'm having these feelings taht are so strong I'm not strong enough to continue being the person that I was. I don't want to be like that. I'm supposed to be the person you could count on to be nice and sweet and do everything they could for you, I'm supposed to be the person you bared your soul to, I'm supposed to be the person you told your secrets to. And I'm supposed to be the person who put everyone else's happiness in front of their own.

Except lately I haven't been. Maybe that's why I hate myself. Well, maybe I just hate all of me. I hate that I'm so nice and I hate that I'm such a bitch. I desperatly don't want to be like this. I can be a cold hearted bitch, I know I can be, I have been. And now I'm doing it again. I could have stopped what happened with Robert at any time, but I didn't. There were so many opportunities, but I didn't. I was the one that initiated sex. I didn't have to do that. Blah. I haven't hurt myself, to anyone that is curious. But I do hate myself right now. I hate a lot of things and people right now. Tomorrow is going to be strange and awkward and I think I'll just go sit in a corner of the theater. But...after school I'm going to Fairie Chick's house with Jessica and Manda (hopefully. If Amanda doesn't come I'm not going either. That's all I have to say about that). I sit here and try to fool myself and everyone pretending that I'm sugar and spice and everything nice. That I'm strong, that I can take care of myself, that I don't need protection. But in the end I'm the biggest bitch, the weakest one. Pixie
Critiqued

Well, I was critiqued by diary critic, you can check it out at http://diary_critic.blogspot.com How'd they rate me? A 4/10. For the layout they said that I should try to be consistent...well, I changed it the first time because I picked up some html. I changed it the second time because I felt that this part of my life wouldn't be Pixie Huggles and Elephant Kisses. Lately I have been feeling that fate fucks me over, and I was longing for a new layout. So, there. For annoying writing habits they talked about my poor grammar and spelling in my last entry. I'm not going to even worry about that as I was a little upset when I wrote it. "There is one thing I can say about this diary. It bleeds with honesty. Regardless of the presentation, she has a lot of guts to say what she says." I'm quite glad that they think that. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not honest enough. I feel bad that I have to leave some things out, I used to not have to do that, but since I've let people I know in real life read my journal...it needs to be done sometimes. It makes me happy that they think I'm that honest.

Let's talk about today. Miss Pink gave me a ring this morning, she and her boyfriend got into a fight and she wanted a ride. It made me late because she was a distraction, but that's how it goes sometimes. She hung out with me in the morning, which was a bit strange because theater people and Miss Pink could not be more opposite. She was sitting there saying to people she didn't even know "God, I look like crap, don't I?" The theater kids sorta just gave her a where-are-you-coming-from look. Also, I feel as though I can't really be myself when she's around my other friends because she's quite judgemental. Since she doesn't know anyone, I end up sitting with her and not talking to other people becuase I don't want her to feel left out. Went to chem...wrote notes with Vivi. She's excited about Bob, yay! She says Nic likes me and he was talking about me all day yesterday on the ride home after Company Players. She points out that he ditched Bob and all those people to sit with me and Jessica. Hmmm, I don't know. I'm too sprung on other people right now. Then I found out he's having his birthday party this weekend and I wasn't invited! And it's a porn party! So, first break I confronted him. Apparently he already invited me but I didn't hear him, which does make sense. On Saturday I'm going to my first porn party (it all started because Jonna's never seen porn, so we're showing some in her honor and then we're going bowling).

Jessy talked to Robert all first break, which was a bummer to say the least. I saw the look on her face when she saw him hugging Jude, I wonder if she sees the look on my face when he was talking to her. On the one hand I'm happy when I see the look on her face when she talks to him. But I know that he doesn't like her. I worry that he will start to like her. That's selfish, I know. Maybe I'm a selfish person (haha), but, I know that if he started to like her then she'd want to go out with him. In Spanish I was talking to everyone about it. As Gisel said, I can't expect everyone to be as nice as I am. I don't expect anyone to be how I am, I realize that there aren't many people like me. But...it's hard not to hope.

Second break I was really bummed out. Duck wanted to know what was wrong with me, I read him the poem. I left my final copy in my spanish class so I had to read it to him aloud from a rough draft. It's just so much harder to read it out loud; I started to cry. I just went and sat in a corner because that's just what I wanted to do. A few people came over to ask me what was wrong...I just read them the poem because I couldn't tell them the whole story. Finally Robert came over and he just put his arm around me and asked me what was wrong. I didn't know what to say to him, so we just sat there together for a while. The bell had already rung. In front of me was Jessica and Josh H., he was holding her, she was looking sad. I think it was because I was with Robert, I don't really know. I had to go to class because I've already got so many tardies. The final bell rang, Jessy asked me what was wrong but I just told her I was feeling blah.

We went to English. I came home, Nate is going back to homeschooling. This kid on the bus asked if we were together. He walked me to the Quicky Mart and the clerk there asked if we were together. Naw, I just think that Nate is really awesome. He doesn't get along with most people, but we're fine. He lives all of two blocks away, so I'll be able to see him. My dad and I went to Starbucks, I talked about the possibility of a band with Bree M. and Fairie Chick. He wants to buy me a guitar since it's something that I've had a great deal of interest in before. It's just, I try not to take anything from them, but I really want a guitar. But I don't want it if I'm not going to play it, how do I know if I'll play it? How do I know that I won't get bored of it like I did with the flute and the piano? Hmm...we'll see.

Then I went to Paco's house to get some Spanish hmwk done (I have a 43% in that class right now! oy!). Heather and Ashley came over and Paco made us pasta. Yum yum. I came home. I still feel blah. I do have horrible grammar skills, don't I? Well, actually, I can write essays quite well, it's just in here I write how I think. I hate liking someone like this, it drives you crazy. You see a color, you think of them (in this case, pink and red because of his hair and glasses). You hear a noise, you think of them. You want to hug them because you're their friend, but you know that if you hug them then you won't want to let go. I hate hugging him. His hands are always just so cool, and he hugs me the way I usually hug people. I usually stroke their back or their shoulders or their hair or something. When we hug he does that to me, and I can just stand and enjoy the hug instead of trying to be the pillar that other people need. Yuck. I need him out of my head, I need him out of my mind. I need him out out out. Pixie

Wednesday, October 31, 2001

Voices

The voices in my head will not shut up, they won't leave me alone and I can't think. I have spanish shit I need to do. chemistry shit I need to do. World history shit I should do. I don't want to do any of it, but even if I did I wouldn't be able to think straight enough to do it. Fuck, I'm sure I'm crazy. Gah. Just what I need, fucking voices in my head talking to me, on top of everything else! I really really want Sex Toy to call me. I'm sure that he won't, but...if he did, I would like, swoon. But I wouldn't, I couldn't. If he called me I would have to hang up on him because I don't even trust myself to talk to him without saying, "hey, let's be together in every way possible, screw Miss Sex Toy". Because there is this thing about him that makes you want to say that to him and just run off far away. If Cupcake called that'd be all right too because he understands how I feel sorta. Well, it's not that he understands how I feel, it's just he shares a lot of the feelings too.

The trick or treaters will not stop rining the fucking doorbell. I'm waiting for my mom to ask me to start answering it. I would too, I don't mind. I'd do it now except my computer is farther away then hers (she's actually on mine, I'm on my brother's). I read Fairie Chick's blog. She says "she (me) says she's being careful (about sex), and I trust and hope she is". Ha, *she* worries about *me*!? (once again proving that everyone worries about me and I don't know why. Well, for a few reasons, I've already gotten into one, I'm not going to get into the other because it's all depressing waa waa poor me oh my shit). I know FOR CERTAIN that she had unprotected sex with Jah Love. She may or may not have had unprotected sex with Justin or Ant, I don't really know. She could have any number of STDs (she was Ant's first, but Jah Love and Justin got around) and she should thank her lucky stars she hasn't gotten pregnant. I never have nor will I ever have unprotected sex. Period. End of story. Even when I was so drunk off my ass that I didn't remember the guy's name in the morning I used condoms. And she fucking worries about me?? *sigh* I really don't understand people. I don't. But I'm going to shut up now and leave before I start bitching big time. Maybe I'll call Sex Toy. *sigh* I don't know what I'd say to him though. Mmmm. I don't know. Pixie (ha, now my mom just came in and decided that we have to alternate who gets the door because "I do less around the house then she does". That means I can't turn my music up loud. Darn.
Nice Guys Finish Last

I got to school pretty late. I just wasn't into the whole wake-up-early thing as I was incredibly tired. My mom was like, "it's halloween today and you're not even going to dress up? of course" and I'm like "I had my three days of halloween and quite frankly I'm sick of it." Went to school, went to world history. He Xed out our seating chart, but hasn't given us a new one so I was sitting next to Jessy. About halfway into class I got moved because well, we weren't *really* talking, we were just being us. We can look at each other and know we're thinking the same incredibly funny thing and bust out laughing. So, I was moved. We were supposed to have a test today, but the teacher was like "hey, did I tell you guys about the Battle of Marathon?" and we're like no...because we didn't think he had. As he gets into the lecture we all realize that he already gave us that exact same lecture. No one said anything.

First break I was *starving* so I got chips and drinks and yeah. I ate. I went to geometry. My quarter grade is a 59.1%, this is depressing because if I had done the hmwk I would have had a 60 and a D. I was even too lazy to copy. Bleh. But, if I get at least a 95% next quarter and a 95% on the test then I can pass the class with a B. It's totally doable. I can do it. Mmhm. Second break...blah. Went to PE. Played softball, made another homerun, go me! Ugly Girl was being ugly again. She's so mean to Cindi. God, I hate that. I hate people who are so mean about stupid things. Who cares how many people Cindi has slept with?! Jesus Christ, it's just not *that* many in the grand scheme of things.

Oh, and today was Halloween so everyone was dressed up. There were a lot of people dressed up as a stereotype / subculture. Last year there were a lot of ravers, this year there were a lot of gothics, punks, etc. It was a bit...I don't know. It makes me squeamish, but I haven't determined exactly how I feel about it. Oh, I wrote Jessy a note about Robert, because I think she had a right to know. I don't know, I hugged him today and she just sorta left and didn't say bye or anything and I'm just like ahhh. I told her about how I had been talking to Robert lately, and it's like...I like him. Honestly I do. It all started at Ren Fair and it was just sorta like, I could have *him* instead of Jah Love. And it was just this weird sort of thing. They don't get along (mostly because they're too similar), but Robert is pretty considerate. I mean...when he saw my arm after I flipped out that one day and cut it hella badly, he was just holding my wrists and looking at me and not telling me to stop but not encouraging it either. Just sorta like, why are you doing it? why do you feel the need? Just really supportive in this way that most people aren't, that most people can't be. I don't expect nor want everyone to be like that, I'm just saying that it is part of the appeal of him.

Of course I backed off when I found out that Jessy liked him, and I'm still backed off, totally and utterly not hitting on him. But he knows I like him, and I know he likes me a bit. I don't know how he feels about Jessy. So yeah...I just had to tell her that, becuase I feel guilty and I really shouldn't. I just do though. So, yeah. She knows that I won't go out with him or hit on him or anything, but I thought she should know, yeah. I say that word too much.

As for Sex Toy, we didn't talk today at all but I know that we have an understanding. I thought that at some point I could reveal his identity, but I can't, like, not for years. If you're someone that I don't know in real life (with the exception of Chinese Jason), and you want to know, then you can e-mail me and I'll reveal the identity with a short explanation of our situation. Chinese Jason can know for obvious reasons :P We both know that we can't be together in anyway. Not physically or emotionally or romantically. Or rather, I know and he sorta accepts it. It's just better that way.

So, back to the Company Players meeting. We were all just sorta hanging out and we played a few games. Nic was dressed up as Mathew, our little Mormon, and he was saying how hard it was to play the part, *laughs* So I was like "so, if I wanted to rub your back or something you'd have to tell me know? What about if I got naked?" I was being so evil. I like, ran my hand up his thigh and he twitched, it was so cute. He was like "nooo!" and I was like "hey Mathew, since Nic is you, why don't you be Nic and I'll give you a back rub?". Well, I thought it was fun.

Afterwards we were all cleaning up. I sweeped and cleaned the stage. From the last row Duck, Bree (my brother's friend), Julie, Ashley, and a few other people yelled out "we love you Brittany!" Bree added "even if you are Adrian's sister!". I was like yay, I appreciate that you can love me even though I'm my brother's sister. I kind of went on a tangent. Not really, but...just sorta. And Bree asked me how I felt about my brother coming to our school and I explained that I thought it was uncool because he goes and tells my parents stuff because his friends tell him. She was just like, well, we just feel protective of you. I don't tell him anything except I told him that you were giong out with a guy named Jah Love, and he was really nice and he wouldn't hurt you or anything.

I walked home just because I felt like it. Jessy, Fairie Chick, and Drew all offered me rides, but...I was just sorta angry, I just needed to think and I was feeling like a burden to everyone. It's just like, Ahhh! My mom drove past me, but she didn't see me. My house is probably two and a half or three miles away from the school, but I don't mind. I was thinking about what Bree said, about my brother's friends feeling protective of me (although they've all met me just very briefly), and it's like, well you don't generally feel protective about someone that you think can take care of themself. I don't feel protective of my brother at all. I never felt protective of Sperm Girl, I felt only slightly protective of Poodle Girl, I don't feel too protective of Fairie Chick, just because I all felt and feel that they can handle themselves. That they can take care of themselves. I mean, Jessy feels protective of me! Jessica. The girl who is about a billion feet tall and weighs about 90 pounds, who is so frail who comes from such a fucked up history - she feels protective of me! SHe didn't want me to walk home alone because she thought I couldn't take care of myself.

And it just makes me feel...strange. I haven't decided yet if it's in a good way or a bad way, but definetly strange. So, I was thinking that when I felt inspired, and this is what came out:

Nice Guys Finish Last
More and more,
As my life unfolds,
I feel as if,
I'll never grow cold.

I will be nice and sweet,
I'll wipe the gum off your feet,
And let you step,
All over me.

I almost wish,
I could be a bitch,
For once have a say,
For once get my way.

This persona that I've developed,
Was nice at first,
But now it's expected,
That you can treat me like dirt.

I don't mind it so much,
I just want you to know,
Nice guys may finish last,
But nice girls finish alone.

I'm just really angry at myself and this person that I've become, this charecter that I've developed. I like being nice, it's how I am and who I am and I'll never change. I will always bend over backwards to help you, no matter how much you've fucked me over, no matter what. I will always be the first to jump up and do the things that no one else wants to do. I will always be the one that gives up a guy because their friend likes that guy. I will always do everything I can for you no matter how little you've done for me.

Most of the time I don't mind. I just accept that that is how I am and who I am. But, sometimes it makes me want to kill myself just because I'm so fucking sick and tired of it. No matter what I do I'll be considered the nice one, the sweet one, the one that needs protection. In the words of Katherine (cruel intentions): Do you think I relish the fact that I have to act like Mary Sunshine twenty four seven....I'm the Marsha fucking Brady of the upper East Side and sometimes I want to kill myself for it.

It wouldn't be so bad, but no one will ever truly realize what I do, and no one will understand why I do it. I don't go around telling the world how I'm a saint, and because of that no one really knows. To people that don't know me I'm this sleeps-around-manic-depressive-drug-addict-whore. To people that know me I'm "too nice and too sweet for my own good". But no one will ever know what I do for them because I'll never let them know. Like, Miss Sex Toy, she'll never realize how nice I am by leaving him alone, she'll never know and she'll never appreciate it. People who know the story know that, but they think I'm fucking insane for letting her stand in the way of *my* happiness. But no one really knows what I do for them and it's sorta a bummer because I never get credit for it.

I'm just so sick of being me right now. I really hate myself, everything about me. All those things that make me me, I wish they weren't there. I don't want to be me. I hate me. It sucks to be me because I always end up unhappy and I always end up alone and I always end up being the one who is fucked up the ass, and the only thing that keeps me sane is other people's happiness. But then I see other people's cruelness and meanness and it just hurts me and I'm going crazy and I really really just want to hurt myself. I won't, at least I don't think I will, but I desperatly want to. I feel like Witch Baby from the Weetzie Bat Books (by Francesca Lia Block). I hate to be quoting so often from other people, but, here goes: Without words, Witch Baby tells her mother what she has seen or imagined - families dying of radiation, old people in rest homes listening for sirens, ragged men and women wandering barefoot through the city, becoming ghosts because no one wanted to see them, children holding out wish bracelets as they sit in the gutter, the dark-haired boy who disappeared. What do I do with it all? Witch Baby asks with her eyes. Vixanne answeres without speaking. We are the same. Some people see more than others. It gets worse. I wanted to blind myself. You must just not look at it, you must forget. Forget everything.

Except Witch Baby went crazy by being mean. I go crazy by being nice. It sucks. Fuck! I think I'll go now. Yeah. Adios mis amigos. Pixie

Tuesday, October 30, 2001

Smorgashborg

Oh dear oh my. I cannot even believe these past few days, it's just like, ahhh! Ahhh!!! Blah. Wow. Okay, well, firstly, I'm going to type up explanations for those two unexplained posts. And then I'll talk about the here and now. Be happy. Clix me, because it's already 11 and I'm doing this although I *should* be getting sleep you asses. And I haven't even done my geometry hmwk. *groan* But at the end are two things I wrote...hey hey. So, here goes:

On Friday night, Amy calls me up, I'm lying in bed tryng to go to sleep, so of course I decline her invitation. That is, until she mentioned that Eric (her boyfriend's) brothers would be coming over with alchohol. Score! I walked my bum on over. Erica nd his two older brothers, Leon and Ricky came over. They go to get us some Smirenoff Ice's and vodka. We play drinking games. I'm not too bad, but I'm drinking enough on my own that it doesn't matter.

Ricky, Leon and I were going to get cigs, and I was going to go with them to show them the way, but I was pretty drunk. Leon was holding me up, and I remember telling him that he smelled yummy. They left, I stayed. They came back. Loen and I stayed out smoking (newport's! I wwas smoking them like air, and I'm a light smoker at most), and we ended up hugging and kissing.

We went inside, and this is when we had sex the first time, I think. I am not really sure. Either way, somehow I ended up naked when we had a visitor. Her name was Ashley, she was a friend of Miss Pink's. Also an escort, really really pretty. She was wearing a red plaid skirt. I remember telling her how soft she was and how pretty...she had blonde hair. So, I'm naked in her lap and somehow her, I, and Miss Pink end up in a bedroom making out. The next thing I know Miss Pink is saying that the cops are going to come. I get dressed.

Then the cops aren't coming. Pink's little brother ran her car straight into a tree going 75 mph. Gah. She has to go take care of that. When her little brother (who is older than me) gets home, I'm not really sure. But I end up in his room (clothed), rubbing his back. He was my childhood crush. But, he wasn't digging me, so I left.

On my way back to the roomwith Leon I ran into Ricky. I'm not sure why, but I end up kissing him. I soon realize he's the wrong brother and leave him.

This is when, I assume, Leon and I had sex again. I don't remember it hurting, but I don't remember coming either way. I do rememberhim going down on me - with a tongue piercing. That's basically all I do remember, but later found out we were 69ing and I ket asking him "how do you like it". Gah, some other minor details, he was 24, and I was his 24th.

I also went to smoke with Leon and Ricky and hit my head. Hard. On concrete. Fun shit. In the morning Leon was trying to kiss me and stuff. No dice. I'm not sure why, but I really noticed it with Jah Love and now with Loen - I really don't like talking or touching people after sex. I'd rather just sit outside, by myself, with a cigarette.

So...yeah. pink asked me if I regretted it. I told her no, no regrets, and I don't not really. I just sorta wish I hadn't of been running around naked. Mostly because I just don't want anyone to be seeing me nude except whoever I'm sleeping with. And I wish I hadn't of tried to get with Pink's brother.

Hangover? nope. Puking? Nope. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the vodka, but it was there.

So, I came home and got a ride t o the school for the haunted house. We spent the begining part setting up, then finidng me a dress, and finally doing my make up. My part- the ballroom - is quite lame. Girls are totally outnumbered and we sorta stand around mostly.

Bree and Super Ego were in high spirits. She had a drink, I was thirsty. I asked for a drink (from Super Ego), and he was all "umm...I don't know what it is. It's not mine, I can't give you permission to drink it...yeah." A little later he was like, okay, I trust you, it's vodka and you can help yourself. Score! I did not drink all taht much, however, I still had an empty stomach, little sleep, and some in my system from the night before, so it effected me mucho more than it should have. I know I hit on Chicago. Just telling him he was cute and stuff.

Well, today, come to find out that I also kissed Mikal! And I wasn't just flirting with Chicago, I was big timely hitting on him. Gah. I did not mean to do that. I did not want to do that. The whole point was that he was a little shy and I would give him a slightly-less-than-obvious but-not-too-subtle hints. And I would have if it wasn't for the flipping alchohol!

According to Char, he was not quite into me. In her own words "you were definetlysending him the signals, but he wasn't really sending them back." Gosh. Gah. I so wanted him to like me. I was s odetermined to have him, but a chica can only do so much unless the guy likes her too. So...another one lost.

I talked to Kristen. She talked to Venezuela. Final verdict: Venezuela likes Kristen the cheer girl, he tinks I'm cute, if I jumped on him and started making out he would not object. I'm going to try to just stay away from guys and girls righ now, because it appears that I mess it all up. Which is...bad.

Okay, so, next thing. Yesterday. Monday. Yeah, that day. We run the haunted house on breaks, bleh. Go to class, bleh. I've convinced all the girls in my PE class taht I am absolutely certifiably insane (the whole cutting thing. I was all dressed in blood and makeup and they asked me if my scars were real. Ugly Girl asked me if I always wore all black or what? I was like, no, I own normal clothes too, from The Gap and from Juxtapose and stuff. SHe didn't look like she believed me). I stayed after school, not too much happened really. Chicago was no where to be found. Finally Chicago shows up, word on the street is he really does not like me, that's fine with me.

Bob was there. Yay Bob! I already miss him tons. Oh yes, Duck is back and staying for good. Yay. I was talking to Nic, and in my dumbass retardedness I wa slike, y'know, I used to have the biggest crush on you. And he's like, ahhh, no way, I used to have the biggest crush on you. Yeah, another missed opportunity. We ran the haunted house. At some point Sarah came and told us to change the lame ballroom into a like, attack Ryan and go vampiristic on him. By the endish of the night basically everyone was just biting everyone. Ms. F comes through and is not down with that. Back to boring ballroom. I go home...yeah, that's basically it. Oh, except Char and I make a bet as to who can have sex with their respective Josh first (hers is Josh J, mine is Josh H)

Today, today was basically my shit shit shit why did I go and do that day? We run the haunted house on breaks, it's all good, everything is fine and great and dandy. I leave English to go to Renesannce fair (a reward thing for kids who have less than 7 abscenses and a 2.5 GPA). Basically, I know no one. I sit with Jaymie and that's sorta it. At some point Mathew comes to talk to us, but I'm all lonely. I see all the people who used to be my friends hanging out, and it is quite strange. Because...well, I don't know. I almost wanted to go and say hey what's up, and it would have been okay, if I hadn't of been all dressed...well, for the haunted house, basically. Mathew decides we should sneak out, but in the end only Jayme and I succeed. We go to the theater. Insert SEX TOY. I can't say his name right now for reasons that I can't say right now. At some point, I will reveal his true identity. I've already discussed him in this blog. A lot. Well, anyways, Sex Toy is like "hey, let me show you something". I'm like, hey, okay. So, we go, and the classroom is completely utterly pitch black. I can't see anything. I lose him, but then he comes and hugs me and I'm like hey. And we're just hugging, and he sorta kisses me, or I sorta kiss him, I'm not sure quite who kissed who. But we were kissing, and it was all, yay. Good. Great. It was so strange to kiss him, I've wanted to kiss him for so long and it was just so...right. I don't know. It was good though. And I'm like...whoa whoa wait a second! After all, it was Sex Toy. We crawl into a corner and make out for a bit, and discuss our situation when the bell rings and the lights go on and we're like, ahhh. We go smoke and talk and it's just like, ahhh.

We go back into the classroom which is once again dark and basically emtpy except for Stephanie and her boyfriend and we're just hanging out when...well, Sex Toy and I dissapear to another dark corner. He starts to finger me, and I just wanted him so badly. I've wanted him for such a long time in this unexplainable way. It's jsut stupidly silly and crazy and I shouldn't want him but I do. So he's fingering me and it's all going very nicely, and then he goes down on me. Apparently it was like, his first time, but damn. I was just like, ahhh! And then we're making out again and I made my move. I asked him if he happened to have a condom. He replies affirmitive (btw: all drunken sex was safe sex). I asked him if he would happen to want to use it. He replies again, affirmitive. So, we go into a quite dark place where we won't be disturbed and have sex. It was awesome sex. It was great sex. I can't even describe how good it was. For the first few seconds it hurt, but then it was immediatly like, good good.

We knew we had to make it quick and quiet, and we did :( It was much too quick and much too quiet. And then he had to go, so I was just hanging out when Robert appeared. So I talked to him. Just about all the shtuff that's been going on. How I like him, and I guess he likes me, well he does, but...he knows and I know that we can't be together and that's okay. Oh, and I smoked some more too. I really ought to stop doing that before I get addicted, really. Marlboro Red's. Ehhh. So, Ms. F comes and we all set up and it's all good and we run the haunted house. Our 'massive orgy room' (as it got known by all the other theater kids) was back into a ballroom. But, we had more people and it wasn't too bad. Sarah came in and she's all dressed up like a doll which is really creepy. At one point we were all sitting in these four thrones lining the back wall, and we just dropped out in front of the people. Very cool, very scary. Until Lian kicks me in the head. Ouch. I just go lie on a table and forget about it. Yuck.

All during this I'm going around to Jude and Stephanie to ask what I should do about Sex Toy. There are complications I can't talk about right now. I wish I could, I can't. In a week I can tell you. Blar blar. When I'm lying on the table Ant comes over adn starts tickling me and blowing on my stomach and whatnot, when he starts to finger my belly button. I haven't figured out why, but it is orgasmically delicious. And the next thing I know I've got like, four guys observing me as I try not to orgasm as they finger my bellybutton. Wow. Go try it, really. It's great.

Afterwards we've got to pick up (we made a 300$ profit, yay!), so we're closing down when Duck talks to me. About Chicago. He thinks Chicago is cute, I explain how he's so not into me, and he's like, "you shouldn't listen to what other people say." Apparently, Duck talked to Chicago and he was like, dude, you should really get to know Pixie, blah blah blah. And Chicago was like, I thought it was just a drunken thing, and Duck was like, her boldness was a drunken thing, but she does think you're cute and she wants to get to know you better. And according to Duck, he was all down with that, like *really* down with it. So I'm like great, I'll *really* apologize to Chicago because I feel dumb and stupid and bad about the whole thing. I tell Char to tell Chicago to find me before he leaves. According to Char, he was all like "whyyyy?" not wanting to etc. So, I'm just like screw it, if he wants me he can come get me.

Char's boyfriend, Jon gives me a ride home after a 60's moment in his car. Yay. And now I'm here. Contemplating *everything*. In Spanish I was feeling a bit creative, and I wrote the following:

I am not a good girl,
Not a pretty little flower,
Because I like to fuck,
And I like power.
If I take you to bed,
It'll be a one night stand,
Don't expect anymore,
Whether you're a chick or a man.
If you start something with me,
You had better not stop,
I won't be a nice girl,
If I don't get off.
If you don't like me,
Stop coming back for more,
Leave me alone,
Don't try to settle the score.
I won't scoff,
At your vanilla little life,
So why don't you leave me alone,
And we'll get along just fine.

And, in chemistry:
Falling, into the shadows, into oblivion, Into chaos,
No feelings, No control.
Needing, your love for me, your wanting me, you seeing me,
No lies, No tears.
Wanting, your face, your body, your mind,
No complications, No drama.
Living, in fear, in exclusion, in unrality,
Wanting apathy, wanting apathy.

Well, when I wrote them I didn't know who or what they were about. The first one is sorta about me and my inner struggle and my struggle with society. The second one is probably about Sex Toy. Yeah. Well, g'night ya'll. I'll keep you updated, of course. Pixie

Monday, October 29, 2001

Insert Kick To Ass From Reality

I've spent about two hours crying. With my mother, of all people. It's all because of my goddamn brother. He ruined his chances for the Millenium Scholarship (for UNLV or UNR, if you have a 3.0 GPA you get like, 10k a year) because of his fucking school. My mom is really bitching because she's trying to figure out how she's supposed to support my brother's college, mine, and my mom's. My first year of college will be her last before she has her master's. Well, so, she's banging her head saying "why why didn't I fight harder?" We sit in front of a red light (I went with her to Wal Mart, and then we went on a wild goose chase for Pepsi). She looks over at me the same time I look over at her. We're thinking the same thing. why isn't she pushing harder with Brittany? It has now been decided. Every other week I will bring home progress reports, if my grades go below a 3.0 then no computer, no phone, no TV, no going out, no theater, no nothing. We came home and I sat in front of my brother's transcripts - as I have experience doing this - seeing what is the minimum amount of grades he can get in order to still get the scholarship. Well, if he get's 3.0's and takes three more honors classes he can barely pull it. Just barely.

My mom and I get to mine, she tries to help me with my geometry. The good news is that I got it done. The bad news is that in between there was mucho crying. I don't remember most of it. Typical Pixie, but you know. It is mostly because I've come to a few painful realizations. The first, and the most painful, is that I'm not getting out of Las Vegas. I can't get out of Las Vegas. My mom didn't totally understand the failure of that until a few minutes later, when I declared that the whole point of everything* was to get out of Las Vegas, out of Nevada, outside of the west side of this country, as far away as I could. Granted, my mom has a shitty childhood and she doesn't have found memories of where she grew up. But she would go back. She would pass through and she would visit if there was someone there she loved. I told her there was nothing in Las Vegas good enough for me to ever come back. Ever. I think she got the point then, how serious I was.

*everything = all the classes I am and will take. This year I have one class that isn't honors, that's PE. Next year and senior year every single one of my classes will be honors or AP. They will all be incredibly hard. I could graduate next year if I wanted to, I could, because I've already worked that much. Granted, 'that much' isn't all *that* much, I only have like, a 3.2 weighted GPA. Obviously I haven't worked that hard. I could have a 4.0 GPA if I had taken the easy classes, if I hadn't of taken honors. I could have 4.0's next year and senior year if I chose not to take a full schedule. But I'm not, I'm choosing not to. Why? I'm not going to get into a good school far away, and even if I do there is no way I can afford it. It's impossible. It's too late. Therefor I am going to UNLV, and I certainly don't need those kinds of classes to go to UNLV. I really don't. Why should I torture myself?

Next swift kick to ass was about medical school and do I really want it. Can I really do it. I've never questioned my ability, not ever. I always figured that I *could* if I really really wanted to. I always thought I was capable enough. Now I'm wondering if I am. There was only one thing I wasn't capable of doing - and that was cutting. I wasn't capable enough to stop cutting, it was and continues to be pretty impossible. I may be doing it now, but I desperatly want to start again, I desperatly want to continue cutting. It's scary. I don't like not being able to stop cutting. It scares the shit out of me. Realizing that I may not even be capable of doing what I always thought I could, what I never questioned at all, that's scary too. I don't like it either, I hate thinking that way.

By the end of the evening I was questioning whether I should even bother going to college. My mom suggested law, as usual. She thinks I'd be a good lawyer. Ever since I could read and talk it was basically engraved in my head that I'd be a lawyer. I went through a few other periods: marine biologist, politician, dnacer (of course), but it always came back to being a lawyer. I'm not sure why. But being a lawyer isn't garenteed. Once you finish your residencey and pass your tests there isn't a question about whether you'll get a good, well-paying job. It's just a given. It's controlled, it's garenteed. It's not the same about being a lawyer. I'm not sure, I don't know.

By the end of the night my mom was determined to get me out of Las Vegas. The whole "I want out of Vegas" was the last part of our conv. She asks me, why can't I get out of Las Vegas? Well, because I need to get into a good school to do that. Why can't I get into a good school? becuase I fucked up freshman year, my GPA isn't and won't be good enough, I can't possibly get higher than a 3.3 (unweighted) and that is by performing a miracle of god, along with having all the extra-curriculars. I didn't do it last year and I haven't done any of it this year. Well, she asks me, why can't I start now? Because it is too late, I say. I am expected to be at the Key Club meeting on Thursday.

I don't want to. I think/know it's too late to get into a good college. It's gotta be a super good college or else it isn't worth it. My mom is already wondering how the hell she is supposed to pay for her college and my brother's while supporting him. There is no way I can afford to go to that kind of college. There is no job I could have that would allow me to do it on my own, there is no way I could do it even with my parents help, and I certainly can't get any scholarships. But I don't want my parent's help. I have always planned on getting no help from my parents for college. When I wanted to get emancipated (I still do, but probably won't), so many people were like "well, what about college?" Sorry kiddos, I don't come from the kind of family where my parents were going to help pay for college. It was never planned and we were always told they couldn't. Half of it is not really being able to afford it, the other half being because they knew that it's one of the things you need to do yourself. I do not want to be in Key Club if it involves my parents giving me rides anywhere. I do not want to go to college at a good school if it involves my parents help. I know, I'm stupidly stubborn - this is the rest of my life we're talking about! But I don't want my parents to be able to hold anything over my head. They already hold the fact that I don't do jack shit around the house except my chores, they already hold the fact that they've already supported me for 15 years. They hold these things over people's heads. They hold it over people's heads that the entire family has to borrow money from us. They hold it over my uncle's head that they paid for his college (at a school who's tuition is about equal to Harvard's, the crem de la crem for music). I don't want them holding anything over my head. Nothing. I don't want them to buy me a pencil. I take the least that I can.

This isn't money for clothes, or the movies, or Homecoming. This is for college. But I don't think I can. I don't think I can do it unless I do it on my own, and I don't think I can do it on my own. I am pretty morbidly depressed right now. I don't even care. I am saying fuck the world, fuck it all. Fuck high school, fuck college, fuck everything I ever wanted. Let's hope this mood lifts by tomorrow. And it's 1am. I was tired at 8:30. I desperatly wanted to go to sleep at 8:30, then I had to go and have a breakdown. Fucking pixie and your fucking head that doesn't work right. I can't even fucking go to bed, how the hell am I supposed to go to college?

Fuck this. I'm going to bed. I made the text darker and bigger, and fixed the broken links in 'archive'. Enjoy you monkeys. pixie

Sunday, October 28, 2001

Why Don't You Tell Me

What you think about the new layout? At some point I'll redo my website with this theme, but it was all I could muster for today. Doing this and the archive page and the Quick Factoids page, along with changing some things in quick factoids and some things in the dictionary/who's who. I'm so awesome, hell yes. So, if you will, tell me if you like this layout, or if you're having any problems with it. It only took me about an hour to do it, versus the like, 6 hours it took me to do the last one. Wow, I'm getting better, I'm learning more. This is good news. Right now I'm convinced that html coding is like knitting of the new millenium. It's just really calming, y'know?

Sorry sorry sorry, I don't have time to explain the past two entries at the moment, but I promise that I will either later tonight or sometime in the next few days. I can probably do it after school from the library, if I'm not busy hitting on Chicago. *swoon* I hope things aren't weird between us...we'll find out, though. I've got to do my chores, go to the store, buy white makeup, square makeup sponges, and safety pins, and figuring what I'm wearing tomorrow. The dress I was wearing last night was like, dark brown lace over beige, so it looked like I wasn't wearing much. It was long, form fitting, with like, 2 inches of straps. I'm considering wearing a long silver skirt I have (reminiscent of the 8th grade dance) and a meshy, long sleeved top. Ehh...I'll bring it tomorrow and see. Adios amigos. Pixie