Saturday, October 27, 2001

I am drunk right now. At home. With my parents. They don't know I'm drunk though. Yeah, Bree M. brought some vodka (to the haunted house), I asked Super Ego what was in the thermos, because Bree was all protective of it, he wouldn't tell me. Then, he was like "yeah, I trust you" and told me. So we all drank. So I can't tell you about last night yet. Mmm. Chicago. I was hitting on him hella. I asked him if it bothered him that I was hitting on him, and he was like no, I'm just not used to it. And we just talked, my mom came and she took him home. I want him. Badly. Yeah, so, I'll have to tell you all about it later. I've got two more days to have my way with him. And...we're staying after school. Yay. We're doing it on Monday and Tuesday. Chicago told my mom that most people were staying after school (how did he know to say that?) so, I'll be staying too. He is. I can't wait. Gotta go. pixie
I got really really drunk last night. I had a one night stand. Miss Pink's brother wrapped the car around a tree. An escort came over (as Miss Pink's friend) and I was totally wanting her. I'll tell ya'll more about it later, but I got to go to the school at 4:30 and I won't be home till late, so you'll have to wait for the juicy details later. If I remember them. The guy is slowly telling me about last night. Pixie

Friday, October 26, 2001

Chicago


I was going to write last night, but I was like hey no, I'll redo the layout and then write. Well, I was just too tired to do it. So I sat on the couch for a while watching TV. That is really bothering me, I don't want to be a person who watches TV. I don't like TV, but lately I've been watching it more and more. It makes me mad. Then I went into my room to write on actual paper, since I haven't written in my real journal since October 9. Yeah, I know. But, I was too tired? Why didn't I just go to sleep? My way of punishing myself. I'm really angry right now, just about the whole English project thing, and the fact that I had to do it all by myself. I'm not angry at Jessy or Fairie Chick or Amanda, I'm just angry at the fact that I did it all on my own. And I'm angry at myself because I want to tell the teacher that Amanda didn't even attempt to do anything, but I won't. So...I didn't go to sleep as a way of punishing myself. Punishing myself for being angry. I'm not supposed to be angry or mad or show any negative emotion. Well, I never show negative emotion - very rarely, but I don't like having it either. But hey, forcning myself to stay awake is better than cutting, I suppose.

Mikal called me, we talked about stuff and about Venezuelan. I forgot to mention his move yesterday! He was leaving and ass he left he just ran his hand up my arm, over my neck, and down my other arm. I was like whoa whoa wait up, y'know, Mikal said you didn't like me. Vivi went and talked to him (although she doesn't knwo what the word 'discreet' is, damn :( ) and he was like, yeah she's cute, la de da. But Mikal says that he thinks I'm cute, but he likes Kristen the cheerleader. She's the girl that I talked about at the begining of the school year "The second student is a cheerleader who is just such an American Girl it leaves me in shock. Light brown hair in a high ponytail, with ribbons of our school colors tied in. Pale skin with very little makeup, perfect posture, and she has the ability to chew gum and smile at the same time - even when she's talking. I'd normally find herannoying, but she has a quality about her" She's totally likeable, so a gurl can't really blame him

So, this is what I started to write last night before I fell asleep. It's kind of sad and depressing, and basically the result of not having slept for 40 hours:
"I believe that my latest turmoil is caused soley because I don't know who I am, or what I want. Every time I think I decide, I'm not really sure. No regrets I keep telling myself. I saw Jah Love kiss Brianna today, and suddenly I understand Fairie Chick so much better. It's not so much that I want him. I was relieved to have made a choice and I believe that I made the right one. HOwever, I am left with my stomach feeling empty and heavy. I don't understand why it is so sucky to see him with someone new. I wanted them to be together! Maybe it would be different if I was with someone new too, but I'm not, and as of now I don't really want to be. Duck is gone, Cupcake leaves next weekend, and Bob dropped out. Everyone is leaving. I'm so torn. I just don't know who I want to be. I want to be Lily (from the book "smack" by melvin b-something), so sure of herself, so confident, so free and beautiful. But in the end she's a heroin addict with a kid. I don't think having sex was the best idea, because now I want to go and have sex with everyone I always wished I did. There are 7 people on the list (whose names I won't put here). But I already miss not being able to insist that I'm sweet and innocent. I suppose it doesn't matter because I can never go back to being sweet and innocent, but does that mean I should go out and fuck any cute boy? I'm not sure.

I don't want to go to sleep. I think it is partially so I have an excuse to go and take some more pills - ahh...the good old days of just taking caffiene pills and Benadryl so I never had to deal with reality if I didn't want to - and as a way of punishg myself. Ha! No rest for you.

I like Robert. That's another part of my identity that I question: me being so nice. Me doing all the english work, me not wanting to tell the teacher about Amanda's lazy ass, me not wanting to like Robert because of Jessy, me bending over, me being fucked up the ass because I'm too nice.

And then I fell asleep. But here is some jibber jabber I don't remember writing, it says: dream, new school, me like Robert, Robert no likey me, S. complains, Miss Pink cries because of prom, has a new school, a student aid of one fo my classes writes me a letter, the ice roller guy in gym - we play on slippery floor, kiss Jah Love.

I don't remember writing it at all. Ahh well. I got 8 hours of sleep before my parents woke me up to go to breakfast. I got in trouble. My brother accidently (on purpose if you ask me) mentioned that I was burning a candle last night. That's a big no no in my family. My mom bitched and bitched and bitched - you'd think I was setting my sheets on fire instead of just having a candle lit with no way to set anything else on fire! My brother was like "I'm sorry, will you ever forgive me, I didn't think *this* would happen!" Like I'm supposed to believe that. *rolls eyes* It's okay, we were sitting in complete silence before that so it gave us something to do. We came home, my brother showered, my dad dropped me off at school to do tech stuff for the Haunted House. Jah Love wasn't there because he hurt his ankle, but basically everyone was including Chicago and Char.

Poor Char...today she just found out that her best friend fucked her boyfriend. How much of a bummer is that? We helped her by giving her ideas of how she could cut off his dick in the most painful manner. Basically I did nothing for a long time, because I don't really have anything to do. BJ was there. That's the kid Brianna was going out with before Jah Love. He was all sad because he lost my number, he asked me out, he asked me on a date. To the movies. Boring. I will never go out with a guy that wants to take me to the movies on a first day. It just earns you an automatic "you're a bore" stamp. I told him he failed, he needed a better date. He gave it a real go, but, didn't come up with anything to great. Finally I walked him to his car and he left.

I settled in the tool room with Mikal and Chicago *sigh* They were painting the table so I joined in. I told Mikal about how BJ kept asking me out. BJ came back because he forgot something and Mikal was like "if you don't leave Brittany alone I'm going to kick your ass - I'm serious". I think BJ was scared, lol. Mikal is such a sweetheart. But BJ...he's not a bad guy, I don't really know him, but last year he asked me, my two friends out in the same week, and a week later was going out with another one of my good friends. Last week he fucked Cindi. I mean, c'mon. Not a guy for me.

So we painted and painted and I flirted with Chicago. I actually called him Chicago and he was just laughing. The boy is sexy and has this appeal that can't be described. Yum. He went to do something so I wandered until I met this guy named Charles. I recognized his name, but I couldn't place it...so I talked to him for a while and he was actually pretty cool. I asked him if he had a girlfriend...he did. Ohh...he told me her name. "The look on your face, oh my gosh" <--he said. His girlfriend is Tamara. One of the chicks that Jah Love came to the football game. The chick that he supposedly manipulated. Yeah. I don't know why, but that was the funniest thing I ever found out and I was just laughing so hard.

Flirted with Chicago some more...went walking and talking with Cupcake. We talked about possible boys for me. He thinks that I need to get some experiences that aren't Jah Love. Maybe he's right - he probably is. I found out how many chicks he slept with today, wow. Big number for a sophmore, I'll tell you that. I told him that I'm sick of relationships right now, I want someone purely for fun, but no one likes me. He was a bit confused, a feeling I reflect. I may not like my face or body, but I'm not horribly unnattractive, so I don't see why guys don't like me - even for purely physical purposes. Which led to Cupcake thinking I'm hot and it should be a piece of cake for me to find someone, which led to us talking about how we used to have crushes on each other. Me from last year when he came into our English class, he was just a cutie with a cute accent. He liked me at the begining of the year, and I guess he was going to ask me out but then me and Jah Love happened. Ahh well, I told him that I wouldn't have gone out with him anyway because by then Kristen liked him. We talked about other things too, things I won't talk about until a little after he leaves. Remind me to or else I'll forget.

Sat around with Chicago and Char talking to them. Turns out Chicago is a virgin. Wow. He's a junior, he likes smooth peanut butter, doesn't really like Pie, and is a...damn, I forget his sign. But it's a something! Yeah. Char asked him (while I was with Cupcake) if he thought I was cute and I guess he does. Score. I'm going to do everything in my power to hook up with this guy. We went for a walk because he made me sit on my flower (I needed to get a new one). He's in Vegas living with his grandparents. In Chicago (where he's from) he's got seven brothers and sisters, he's been to 13 different schools. Oh man. Mmhm, so he's sexy.

Anything else happen? Not really I guess. I got a ride home from Jude, and here I am. Oh wait, Char saw my boobs! Well, sorta. She was like, "hey, are you wearing a bra?" and I'm like nope, that's why I love this shirt (halter top) and then she was like "but...I thought you were" *makes motions suggesting I have big boobs* I patiently explained to her that everyone thought I had boobs, I really don't, I didn't start having boobs until I got my gel bra, and everyone knows that I have it, but it doesn't register in their head that I don't really have boobs. So really, I haven't got any cleavage, you can ask Char herself.

We do the haunted house for the next three days...tomorrow I get to go and learn my part, and hope that they've got a dress that fits me in the costume room. We shall see. Maybe I'll get unlazy and redo the sight tonight. Maybe not. Pixie

Thursday, October 25, 2001

You Just Look So Morbidly Depressed

That people think, hey, maybe she's easy or something. <~~Jessy's explanation to this kid I don't even know totally hitting on me. Dude. So...I got there right at the start of second break, I find Jessy, we go to the library and finish the brochure in record time, I tell her what happened and she was just like, wow, you are so awesome, you are the only person I know that would do that, I'm so proud of you. And I'm just like....ehh...This kid in the hallway was looking at me funnily - finally it hits me. Justin! I was just like, oh heya. He asked me why I looked like I was about to kill him yesterday. It was him in the car that said hi to me! It is so strange, because everytime I see him we go through this process. Of me just looking at him while he waits to see if I recognize him, and suddenly it washes over me.

My english teacher accepted it, yay. Amanda comes up to where Jessy and I are standing, looking at me expectatantly. I tell her not to worry - everything was finished. She was just like, thank you thank you thank you, I'ms o sorry I'm just so comptuer illeterate, blah blah blah. I just started to cry. She felt really bad. Well, she said she did, I know that she didn't and that's what makes me mad. She could have just said "thanks britt, I appreciate it" and I would have been fine. But she's sitting there bullshitting me, now I want to go tell my teacher that she didn't do jack shit, she didn't even try!

I stayed after school in the theater room, getting people to sign Duck's notebook and stuff. Hanging out mostly. Anthony was looking so cute! He had on black lipstick, eyeliner, and mascara. He has good facial features to be a nice little goth boi. He's just too tan from cross country. Jessica was crying and Anthony was holding her and I was really scared. I've only seen her cry once before - I know she doesn't really cry. Her friend ran away to Seattle :( She doesn't think she'll ever see or talk to her again, she doesn't tink she'll make it. Bree B. was being sorta bitchy, but whatever. She just got mad at Duck for not doing anything and all these people for doing nothing with Duck. It's his last day to see all of us. He is leaving the fucking state. Gosh, why are people so icky? I tried not to get too mad as I know that I haven't slept for a while and I'm overly emotional, but sheesh.

So...Duck is gone. Cupcake leaves next week, and Bob dropped out. He's going to get his GED and go to college. Fuck. So, we just lost three people in the matter of a week. Jessy lost four. It's really sad. I saw Venezuelan, but I didn't really hit on him because I didn't want him to be like, ahh, I don't like her. Well, as he's leaving I'm facing a wall, talking to Biscuit about how we're putting this black stuff up. I see him out of the corner of my eye to my left, he's walking past. He puts his hand on my shoulder, going across the back of my neck and down my other arm as he walks out! I was like, okay, that's not what you to do someone you don't like. That was a highly physical move. So, I demonstrate to Vivi and Char to get their opinion, and Vivi is like, well he likes you, duh. And I'm like no dude, yesterday Mikal told me that he didn't. So she runs out and she's like "Venezuela!" I disapeared. But...apparently he was like yeah I like her or something. I don't know. *shrugs*

I was just blah blah y'know, trying not to cry, trying not to suck my thumb too noticably (the funny thing was I never sucked my thumb when I was a baby or a little kid, it's only in recent years that I've developed this habit. I know how weird that is, so usually I just nibble on the tip. But if I'm alone I'll just suck it like a good little 15 y/o).

Finally we left, Jessica's dad picked her up, I sat in the grass waiting for mine to come. Stevan appeared. He sat down next to me and we talked for a while, and then he layed down with his head on my knee and I was playing with his hair. It's sorta curly and long right now, and he didn't have any junk in it so I was just twisting it with my fingers. I miss talking to that kid, I really do. We just hung out like that until my dad came to pick me up. Yeah....

Oh, and this kid was like, hitting on me, straight up asking for sex. I'm just like, rolling my eyes whatever, not in the mood for this shit. He was like just give me a hug? please please so I did and then he starts following me aorund, trying to grab me, trying to find out my name. I asked jessica why oh why, and she came up with that answer (morbidly depressed). Yuck. I wasn't in the mood to be touched today. Actually, I rarely am. There are very few people that I will let touch me. Well, a lot of people touch me, but there are very few people that I don't mind if they touch me. Like...maybe four. Maybe that's why I'm so obsessive about touching people, because then I'm in control. I don't know, my main problem with people touching me is taking it too far, and while I'm a very physical person I don't like to be touched often. I've even had some boyfriends I didn't want to touch me. It's just like, no offense but...I don't know. Gah. Today was pretty shitty. I need to sleep. Desperatly I need to sleep. Oh, fuck, and one thing that really pissed me off. When Vivi was talking to Venezuelan Shane was there and he was like, "oh no, you don't want to get involved with Brittany" and he's like, why? And Shane was like "how do yo usay slut in Spanish?" Little fucker. I don't even know him, goddamn. I'm so sick of this shit right now.Pixie
Come Hom

My dad is off running 16 miles. I need him to be home. I forgot to make it clear that although third block doesn't *start* until 11:35, I need to be *at* school at around 11:10. It takes ten minutes to get to school, and it's 10:50 right now. Ahhhh! Fuck. If I don't get there in time I won't be able to finish the brochure. That would be a major bad thing. I forgot to mention that my forehead is really crinkly (I'm one of those people that squishes up their forehead while reading and stuff so I'm already getting wrinkles up that, and most of the time spent thinking or on the computer is spent all squishy-foreheady, and my lips are all blah from biting them and my nails are ragged from biting them (I just cut them super short like, a week ago. They don't grow quickly). I'm not in the mood of going to school, I'm just wearing my baby blue PJ pants, my black ROCK STAR pj top, and a sweater I haven't worn since like, 8th grade. Blah!

Anyways, I found a new Ani song. Well, I've had it for a while, and it's a spiffy song but I never really listened to the lyrics.Well, I did today, and they fit me pefectly :D Check it out:

Names, Dates and Times
I know so many white people
I mean, where do I start?
the trouble with white people
is you can't tell them apart
I'm so bad with names and dates and times
but I'm big on faces
that is, except for mine

I believe you when you tell me
we've met before
this time you've got my interest
this time you've got the floor
why don't you go and tell me something
I don't already know
give me something to remember you by
when you go

I eat too much
I laugh too long
maybe I'll like too much of you
when I'm gone

let's go over to the window
and sit in the neon light
let's go out walking
you know, it's garbage night
let's go down to the east river
and throw something in
something we can't live without
and then let's start again

the more you talk
the more I get
the sense of something
that hasn't happened yet
the more you talk
the more I want to know
the way I'll remember you
when I go

I eat too much
I laugh too long
maybe I'll like too much of you
when I'm gone

I am so many white people
I mean where do I start
they've got lots of personalities
I just can't tell them apart
and I never remember anything
except for those things
which I never forget you know
there's no in between

I'm big on your face
yeah it's big in my mind
you're like the rest of the human race
you're one of a kind

Done

I finsished it. I finsished it all. Muwahaha. I decided to have my dad take me to school after his run, I'll probably get there like, 10 till second period is over. I'll quick finish the brochure, print it out, and be done in time for English. Fairie Chick just stopped by to give me pics to give to Duck. There's one pic of Super Ego, Bree, Jah Love, and his Bree. It's sorta depressing to look at - you can just tell that they're so happy in their own little way. With me he was just sort of mellow happy, with her it's this "I took to much ecstacy" happy. Really. I'm happy that he's happy, I really am. I'm just going to blame it on the fact that I haven't slept for a while. Fairie Chick was just like "I'm soo sorry, I'm sooo sorry, oh sweetie I'm sorry". I'm just like...ehh...okay. I come back inside and check myself out in the mirror. Pale skin, teary eyes, bags under the eyes, messy hair, wearing a dirty sweater and PJ pants. No wonder she felt so bad. Ahh, I'm having 7th grade flashbacks. I used to look like this all the time. Except usually my sweaters were clean.

This is so horrible. I feel so sick, I'm so naseated and yuck. I just need to get past the sleepy phase. By the time I get to school I should be past it. I pray, I hope. Fuck I think I'm going to die or something. I can't go to sleep or I'll feel worse. I really want to make a new layout for my blog...but...I've already spent 13 hours straight on the computer doing some really gruesome stuff. I need to do something...I just don't know what. I can't think straight.

I think I'm going crazy. And that's not the caffiene talking. I really think I am. In PE yesterday I didn't bring any pants to wear so my cuts (older ones) were showing. Ugly Girl, who is not physically unnatractive, told me I was crazy. I've been hearing stuff lately. Well, I always hear stuff. Just like, that moment before you drift off to sleep you hear someone say something. Just a few words. My mom hears it too. And it wakes you up. That's not unusual for me so voices in my head aren't too weird. But when we were taking Terra Novas I'd keep hearing my name be called, but I only knew two people in the class and neither of them were calling me. It was completely silent in the room. And walking to and from the ortho. I wish they'd shut up because sometimes I can't think. Okay, maybe this is the caffiene talking. I'm going to go now before I drive you crazy too. Pixie
Update2

It's 2:17. I have to retype the main article into geocities becuase you can't copy past. Fuck.
Update

At 1:25 my computer crashed. I lost everything. When I say everything, I mean everything. I was about halfway finished with the first page of the newspaper (well, the website). I lost that. I also lost the entire article that I wrote. I cried for 10 minutes. I turned back on my computer. Ryan asked me what I was going to do. He thought I'd say screw it and just go to sleep. I told him I couldn't do that, I'm too nice, and Fairie Chick and Jessy and Amanda have grades riding on this. He told me to apologize. Make it heartfelt and nice. Gah. I wish I could. Fairie Chick, you have no idea what I'm doing for you!!!

I've got four hours to do it. Do you think I can? I honestly don't. Pixie
I Want To Run Away

I desperatly desperatly want to run away, crawl into a dark alley corner and become just another nameless, faceless homeless person, freezing to death on the sidewalk. If I don't vent now then I will absolutely explode. As I type this, I have two empty cans of Pepsi next to me, one full can, another can in the fridge, and a box of caffeiene pills. Why? Because I don't plan on going to bed tonight. Period. End of story. Ha, I just tried to take a pill but accidently spit it into my Pepsi can. Well, maybe it'll just have more caffeine in it. Let's pop another one. The box says don't take more than one every three to four hours, but if I've learned anything from my mom it's that you can take so much more than the box says and still be okay. Okay. So let's talk about it. I'm in a bit of a jam. Remember that english project Jessica and Fairie Chick and I were supposed to be doing yesterday instead of watching porn? Well yeah, it's due tomorrow. At 6 o'clock I sit down and get ready to do it. I contact Jessica and Fairie Chick and we distribute stuff. I don't have a working printer, so Fairie Chick is in charge of printing. She's leaving town tomorrow morning, so there's not much she can do. She gets assigned a one-page interview with Grace O'Malley (our person). Jessica is put in charge of getting our database up. I gave her 15 links, and all she has to do is stick it on a webpage, and add a couple sentances of a summary for each one. I'm in charge of everything else (which is, writing a main story, making a cartoon, society page, and whatever else I want to squish in there). It's gotta be 4 pages long. It's gotta have at least 20 graphics. Well...at 9 o'clock I finally have all my research and start writing the main story (about the Nine Year War). By 10 my story is done. Fairie Chick doesn't have the newsletter program I have, so we decide that I'll just do it in Word. I attempt to do that: word of advice, it's impossible. You just absolutely cannot do it. Jessica has already finished the database and is long gone offline. I give Fairie Chick a ring telling her to just e-mail me the interview and I'll just stick it on a webpage and tell our teacher that my printer ran out of ink. There are only two problems with that plan. The first one is that Fairie Chick is banned from the computer. The second one is that she hasn't even started writing the interview. *groan* Which means I have to do that too. Along with everything else that has to do with the newspaper. And stick it all on a webpage. Fuck HTML, I'm just using a pagebuilder because...gah. But no no, it gets better. You see, geocities isn't all that free with letting you do stuff (like putting a fucking box around your text, or even using pretty text), and I don't know the HTML to do the stuff anyway. It took me like, 5 hours just to put this blog together, and I borrowed most of it from someone else's diary! What does that mean? Well, basically, I've got to create everything that isn't basic text in Paint and then put that image on my page, overlapping plain text, because I just don't even know an easier way. I don't think there is one. You have no idea how much this sucks. I will be up all night. I was planning on being up late, and getting up at 6:00 to get to school at 6:30 so I can finish the brochure. Well, I've got to stop by Fairie Chick's house to pick up some photos for Duck (we're giving him pictures and a notebook with goodbye notes as a going away present. He leaves this weekend). So now I've got to get up even sooner. I've got like, 7 hours to do this, and I'm already hella short on sleep. All I have is my main story so far, that's it.

I love Fairie Chick, I adore her, you guys all know how much I love her. I love you Fairie Chick, but this is a bit of a bind you've put me in. It's too late to call Jessy for help. *sigh* Sorry, I shouldn't bitch, I shouldn't complain, I should just grin and bear it but I'm just sooo tired. If it was just my grade I'd be fucking up by not doing it that'd be one thing, but Manda's, Jessica's, and Fairie Chick's grades lie on this too.

In other news...what happened today? Umm...Venezuela doesn't like me. Jessica really super likes Robert. She asked him if he liked me and he was like, I like her body or something like that. Someone chimed in that my body wouldn't look good with him, but he said he'd treat it right. Something like that. I don't know. She knows that he likes me a bit, but I told her that I stopped hitting on him the day I saw them cuddling together, which is basically true. She said she wouldn't mind and wouldn't blame me if I got with him, but...you know me. I can't do that. I told her that too "you know me, I couldn't do that." Well, it's true. Ahh well.

Let me bitch a little more about geometry. We took Terra Novas some more, just math, I breezed right on through it. Well, we found out that we would be going to our fifth hours (geometry for me) after all. Shit. I go to the last hour of geometry. I walk into class and Mrs. Hampster calls me over and cheerfully calls me over to tell me to start studying for the test that I *will* be taking. That test that I ditched last class not to take. I didn't have a book because I wasn't planning on going to class! I borrowed some kids book - I didn't even know what chapter we were on. Just as I sit down, she calls me back. On my yellow card (we all get yellow cards to put down our schedules, phone numbers, parents names, etc) I forgot to put the last digit of my phone number. She wanted to call my house, but couldn't. Ahh, I swear it was an accident. I give her the last digit and sit down. She calls me back up to ask me for a note for my absence (which was really me ditching, so I don't have one). She's totally enjoying this. I wanted to hit her. I don't know why I've felt so violent lately. So...I take the test. The first part is multiple choice, which I did miserably on. The only problems I got right were when she left the room for a few minutes and some saints helped me out. The rest of it was proofs. I couldn't answer anything. I know I failed. She's closing her gradebook Wednesday, and I will be lucky if I get a D. Cupcake ditched and therfore didn't have to go through that torture.

That was sorta it. I took the bus home, went to the ortho. It was like, Cute Bois At The Ortho day, because there were 4 hotties there. Bummer, since I only go once a year. How come there weren't cute boys when I was going every month? Well, my teeth are great. I'm not due back for another year. My brother has to get a new retainer because he hasn't been wearing his so his teeth have all shifted. Sucks for him because it's 50 bucks the first time you get a new retainer, and 50 more bucks every time after that. My parents are surely going to make him pay for it. It's not so abd the first time, but if he needs a new retainer again it'll be 100, and then 150, etc. So, it's a bummer for him.

When I got home I was feeling incredibly creative. So...I grabbed my camera and decided to take the first step. Figuring how to use my cheap camera (well, it's not really *that* cheap, but it's certainly not the nicest out there). Since no one else was around I had to be my own model, which sucks because you can't hold the camera, you can't tell the model what to do, you are so limited in your pictures. Fortunatly I have a nice (if small) backyard thanks to all my mom's plants so...I think a few will turn out okay. I did my makeup dramaticly black and silver. I did a few in my blue/black glitter skirt, zipper shirt, boots; a few in my black slip skirt, black tank, boots, and wings, and finally I did a few in my green plaid skirt, fishnetty arms, and black tank. I folded up the tank so my belly was bare and I had my fishnetty arms covering my tummy. The final picture I took of myself I think will be the best, I'm holding two bricks with a white flower in my cleavage (thank you gel bra), and a flower petal in my navel. Then I had some fun with my cardboard Buddy Lee (from Levi). One is of him holding a pinwheel with a blue wig and big Holly Golightly sunglasses. The other has him holding a black cord (made to look like a whip), with my green frog (the one meant for Biscuit) tied up with duct tape over his mouth. Bondage Buddy Lee. Hell yeah. I can't wait to see how they turn out.

And then I started working on this and realized how screwed I am. Fuck me up my ass with a big purple rubber dildo. I'm just in tears, I hate this I hate it I hate it. You guys know I'm a perfectionist. I will be up all night. I'm already trying to figure out if 7 hours will be enough time. Ooh, I can feel the caffiene rushing through my viens. Good. Let's just hope that there are no blackouts, dizziness, or any of that icky stuff. It's pretty scary when your heart rate is more than twice it's normal rate. Fond memories...Brittany

Tuesday, October 23, 2001

How About Nothing?

That's basically all I got done today. Agh! I go to school...pretty late, we've got to take Terra Novas, a national standardized test. I did pretty good on them. Well, I always do pretty good on them. Last time we took them (8th grade) I had all nine stanines (from 1-9, nine being the highest), which I didn't find out until the very end of the year. My mom threw away my scores because she didn't want me to know, so I didn't know until the very end of the year when we were doing registration. The science I'm a bit iffy on...just because it's been so long! I'm in chemistry, how the fuck am I suppoed to know who discovered DNA? The rest was fine. We just did reading and language, spelling, science, and...I think that's it. Yeah.

First break was interesting. Brianna wanted to meet me. Oh, I talked to Jah Love before school. Because I did lots of thinking and lots of talking and I can already see where this is going. Jah Love and Bree will become the main couple, and slowly I'll be pushed to the side. So, I cut to the chase. We talked and decided that they can be the main couple. And I can enjoy myself however and with whomever I want. I'm kind of seeing this as a Jah Love just wants to make sure I'm alright with someone else before he and Bree really get serious, but y'know, that's okay. My feelings for Jah Love aren't what they once were, but I'm glad there isn't any hard feelings between us. So really, it's more like him and Bree are together and I'm on my own. I haven't gotten any I love you's or any kisses, but that's fine with me, a-okay.

First break I'm in the theater room for like, two seconds before Mikal comes up to me. He's just kind of standing there, humming to himself before he declares that he heard something about me. I asked him what, and he said that I "wanted the Venezuelan's penis". Exact words, I swear to god. Jessy and I were just busting up laughing. Of course he heard it from Kristen. But that's fine. I told him to keep it on the down low and he was like "no, Venezuelan thinks you're cute! After you guys sleft at Subway he was just like, she's cute". I don't know how true this is, I can't even see Venezuelan talking at all. Kristen needs to talk to me so I go off with her and we talk.

More testing. Second break Kristen wanted some food, I joined her, so did Venezuela. We got a personal pan pizza to split. The three of us sat on the floor with a few other people and ate and Venezuela was just quiet, of course. It was nice for a while...but he ended up leaving. *shrugs* English was just english. Fun as always y'know, but...yeah. After school Jessy and Fairie Chick and I were just milling around with plans to go to Fairie Chick's house. They disapeared, and Robert wanted someone to go smoke some cloves with him. Well, I'm not one to say no so we went and smoked. It was really, well....just like all my time with Robert. Plus Cloves make you a little...tipsy. They really do, so I was just kind of yeah. I really really wanted to kiss him, I'm not sure why. It was just..I don't know. But, I know that there's a bit of a thing with him and Jessy so I stay away from it. I'm just not even going to go and bring more drama into my life. No body needs that.

So, I didn't, and Jessy and Fairie Chick and I left to go to Fairie Chick's house. On our way out the school we ran into some very friendly break dancers. You see, I was wearing a knee-length black skirt, my black boots, and my black tank with a zipper. jessy was wearing her black boots, a long black lace skirt, and a black top. Fairie Chick was dressed fairly normal. Jeans, adidas, and a sweater. Just normal. So, these nice break dancers thought they'd be oh-so-funny and yell out things like "where's the funeral?" Yeah, that's smart. We yelled shit at them back too. And, we ran into some kids that were on their way home from their middle school, and they started yelling shit about it's not Halloween yet :/ I'm not used to getting crap about how I dress, so it was a little weird, but I was still pissed. That's why I hate jackass people.

Well, Jessy found out some news about Robert. Just something that bugs her personally. After finding out this she is really not interested in Robert at all...well, she is, but it's just that she's not. And I don't know how he feels about her. I wrote him an e-mail saying that he drove me crazy, this was like, before I knew Jessy had any interest in him at all. Ahh! So, then soon they were hitting on each other and he was like "well, I'm confused". So ahh. Yeah. I don't feel well. That's basically it.

Well...not really. At Fairie Chick's house we didn't accomplish anything, except watching some porn. We decided that Jessy standing still is tons better then that porn. It was...well, lame. With ugly girls and ugly guys. They looked bored. One guy was chewing gum! It was so...boring. And one chick kept hitting everyone's clit. Like, really, it was like a spank but on the clit and she'd do it so much it was just annoying. People need to get better porn, seriously. It's hard to look at someone's dad the same when you know that they watch that, *laughs*. Pixie

Monday, October 22, 2001

Gotta Make Choices

Fairie Chick and I were talking about our days. She said that hers was just a day. "Just a day". How come I can't ever have 'just a day?'. *sigh* I get lots of sighs in my day though. I went to world history with Jessy...that class is so great to be around her, I'm sure everyone thinks we're a couple *laughs* I don't even know if she likes girls or not! But we hold hands walking to and from, and we get frequent stretch breaks because even the most interesting topic with the best teacher gets tedious after almost 2 hours of lecturing. On all the breaks I go sit on her lap and stuff, or hold her hand. Funny because before school we had been talking about the good ole days in PE. Like...when we were playing badmiton and I accidently hit her with my racket. She starts dying very melodramatic ala-Uma in Pulp Fiction (ha! I used a line from Violet and Claire, beat that fuckers...umm...so, yeah), and I'm like "oh no, my love, la dee da" giving a monologue about how dare I kill her. Just funny stuff. And every day in the locker room we'd go through this little conversation with the girls that shared a locker area with us.
them: so....are you guys..like...lesbians?
us: sure. yeah we are
them: really? like you...kiss and stuff?
us: oh yeah. we've been together for a while.
me: i go to her house every night
them: ooh...well that's cool you know...we like dykes it's just...yeah, we were wondering.

And the whole time they wouldn't know if we were kidding or not. Even Ms. Allen, our PE teacher/the cross country coach thought we were together. *smirks* So, I was just in a goofy kind of mood. Oh yeah, and I was wearing a to-the-knee black slip, bowling shoes, white socks, black tank top, and my hair was in pigtails. Yup, one of those things. I decide not to go to class for geometry, of course, so Kristen, Cupcake and I are just in the drama room, Kristen actually has the class, so she goes to do some theater thing and Cupcake and I go and get some food, just walking around the school. I asked him what he thought of the whole me/Jah Love thing, and he was just like "in my opinion...you're too different. I know everyone thinks Jude and I are different too" (this is where I put in "yeah, you're pocket sized!") "but...you guys are really different, I don't know, it's just my personal opinion". And I'm like dude, I want your personal opinion, y'know? That's why I asked him. So...he was just saying that I'm like this little fairie going around making everyone happy and just being all fairie like, and Jah Love is just like raw raw die. Sorta, something like that. And it's sorta true. So...then we went into the theater and Jah Love came over to me because I told him I wanted to talk. Well, I did, but just being around him was too much, I forgot everything I wanted to say. He kissed me. My head was literally spinning. I felt like I had just taken the biggest hit of pot. It was like it was all happening for the first time. Just...electrons shooting up my spine. Wow. And he kept kissing me, but Josh (too many fucking Josh's. This one is Josh J.) came over so we talked to him for a while. He said that we were like THE couple, the COOL couple, and we had to stay together. He left, Jah Love was kissing me more, he came back. Jah Love was like, rubbing my leg, just a big. More chills up my spine. And he was just slowly working his way up my leg, and it was just like...too much, I couldn't take it. So I sorta pushed him away, and he tried to bite me, but I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle him kissing my neck or laying with his head in my lap or any of that stuff. Josh left again, and I tried to get away from Jah Love, but he's a guy, I'm a chick, I couldn't really. And it was just too much. Too much everything, too many emotions, too many thoughts, too many uncertainties for him to be kissing me like that. Eventually he went on stage, and Josh came back and we were talking some more.

Just about actors mostly, and theater and the cast for the next play, and Nic came over and he was basically bitching about the same thing. It was just like...hey, we were just talking about that a minute ago. And then Bob came over looking...almost like a fairie. I don't know how to explain it, but he almost did. Kristen came and wanted to talk so we went into the courtyard looking for someone (we were kicked out of the theater anyway), but we couldn't find her person. Bummer. We were planning on ditching the next class, and we saw Jonna, Sara, Bree, and Adam going back into the theater so we joined them. Cupcake was there, and the three of us sat on the side of the stage, Jonna and Sara in the audience, and Bree and Adam in front of the stage. Well..some other idiots who have no relation to theater came into the theater and were all loud and noisy so Ms. F (the teacher) comes out and she's like blah blah, thaeter is closed, please leave. So, Adam and Bree and the kids leave. Jonna and Sara had slouched down in their seats so Ms. F didn't see them because the lights were off too. She didn't see us three. We're being really quiet, waiting for her to leave, talking very very softly. Jonna and Sara eventually get up, giggling, and leave. I thought I heard something, so I peek out, and Ms. F had been sitting there in the dark the whole time, which means she saw them leave :/ She was just sitting there, and she sat there for a while. I wonder what's on her mind.

Kristen said I looked like a pixie as I was peeking out. Well, Ms. F disapears, but there are noises and lights coming from the lightbooth so we go way back on the side of the stage, behind the huge lady bug that they made for Alice In Wonderland.

Cupcake was a bit bummed out, and I was feeling sorta tired so once the coast was clear I went to stage Left to take a nap. I wasn't wearing the right clothes for this, because it's super flippin cold. Brrr! But...I did drift in and out of sleep. On one of my drifts out the door that was like, 50 feet away from me, that goes into the cafeteria bursts open. Ahh! It was a teacher. Shit. So...I think to myself, "her eyes haven't adjusted yet, she can't see me yet", so I go up the stairs looking for a place to hide. I go into the little area that leads onto the stage, but she's talking to all these noisy kids about closing the curtain, which would be right by me. The lights come on, which means that anywhere I go I'll be in clear view of this entire class and I don't even know who they are or why they're there! Well, I'm on my way back to Kristen and Cupcake when I see someone about to look at me, I dodge into a little clearing on the side of the stage, between some props. I crawl back a bit and I'm like, on the inside of this brick wall (a prop), no way anyone can see me). I try to figure out what's going on, and did Kristen and Cupcake get caught? They were a choir class, preparing for their concert. They're not half bad. But...I was soo soo cold, and I needed to pee quite badly. What's a girl to do? I wasn't even sure if it was still school hours. For all I know, school ended three hours ago. Eventually they leave, thank god. *sigh of relief* I hear some rustling: Cupcake and Kristen are looking for me. The bell rings. I'm whispering to them where I am, but all the lights are off and they haven't got a clue and they're looking in the area but haven't found me. It's pitch black, and I'm not even sure how I got in. Cupcake finds me on one side, asks me how I got into there. I don't know! Well, we squish me through and I get out. Talk about a heart attack.

So...Kristen's shoes and backpack are locked in the boy's dressing room. Ms. F is in her class but...we didn't want to ask her to unlock it. So...I took her to the bus shoeless. Poor chica. I head back because I'm supposed to meet Jessy and Fairie Chick in the library. I run into Sperm Girl, and my brother's friend's girlfriend. I'm assuming that she and her boyfriend are the ones telling my brother all the details about me :/ The library is closed, and my bus is already gone. *sigh* So Fairie Chick and I start our walk. I get a slurpee (*orgasm* it's been a while), we go to her house and eat Ramen. My mom comes and picks me up (yay! I wasn't looking foward to another two miles, uphill, in the sun walking. Uck). And now I'm here. I called up Jah Love, talked to him for a while.

And I told him that I'd have my choice tonight. He's like "are you sure? You can take all the time you need" but...I told him, I'd rather make a choice that I regret then keep on going like this. He told me I have fucked up priorities. I know I do. Just...there are apparently a few chicks that want him...and he's all confused because he doesn't know what to say or do. I wish I could tell you guys what I'm going to tell him tonight, but I haven't got a clue. Right now I'm thinking of just breaking up with him. This morning...if Josh hadn't of been there I would have been at his mercy, in his arms, and told him that I wanted to be with him, just him, only him. Who knows what I'll want tonight?

In a desperate attempt I made out some yes's and no's on papers and asked a few questions and shuffled and picked. They said that he didn't love me, I did love him, he makes me happy, but it's not in my best interest to be with him :/ In another desperate attempt I played MASH. It said I'd marry Ricardo/Venezuelan, live in a shack in San Francisco, with a white Porsche. Gah! I have one last desperate attempt, which is the quiz I took on quizbox that one fateful night a few weeks ago. The servers aren't working, but once they do I'll pop in his answers and see. But as of now...I'm thinking we should break up. Pixie

Sunday, October 21, 2001

I'm Going Straight To Hell

So...today...today today today. It's a funny word, isn't it? The way it rolls off of your tongue awkwardly. The way everything can change in one 'today', the way that nothing changes in many 'today's'. I talked to Bobby a lot last night. Like, for three hours. It's really strange talking to him. He's one of those people that can look into your eyes and see into your soul, just understand everything about you. Now, I'm an easy book to read, I know that, but...yet...it seems like no one bothers to open me up. Really. The only people who have ever bothered to really see me are my uncle, a gay guy that read my tarot cards once, CJ, Nick (who also read my tarot cards), and now Bobby. My uncle, for obvious reasons. I open myself up to him, and he's also a person who can look into your eyes and see your soul, although not as much as Bobby. The gay guy, I don't even remember his name. It was just one of those awesome nights. It was after GBLT youth group, I was sitting outside of Roma's with Robert, S, Angie (ooh Angie, I can't even describe this girl with her amazing poetry skills), a few other queer kids. We were just smoking, talking, laughing. The air was cool. A homeless guy came and asked us for money. One of us gave him like, two bucks. A few hours later he stopped by with a shopping bag filled with Ramen, offering it to us. He had bought food with it, and we were so surprised. He wanted to share it with us, because it was all he could give us. This guy read me my tarot cards. Nick, well, because he read my tarot cards too and that's the easiest way to get to know someone, it really is. Funny, because in the same spot I got the same card. Just stuff about my family. *sigh* CJ because...I didn't feel like I had to pretend around him. He liked me better when I was just me, he didn't really care who I was as long as I was me. And he hated it when I bullshitted him. I miss that kid.

So..now Bobby. It's a heady feeling talking to him...knowing that I don't have to explain anything to him. I don't have to tell him why I cut because he already knows. I don't have to explain my hmm's about Jah Love because he already understands. It's nice...not to have to worry about expressing myself in words - something I seem to be utterly incapable of doing - because he already knows me. Very strange. At one point I started to cry. His mom went in his room and was stroking his hair, asking him how his day went, did he enjoy dinner? She asked him who he was on the phone with, he said Brittany, she told him that I sounded like a really nice girl and I ought to come over for dinner some night. She asked me how my day went, and told me good night, sweet dreams. They said I love you, and she went to bed. I just started to cry. I can't remember the last time my mom asked me how my day went. The last time she said I love you. The last time she played with my hair. *shrugs* It doesn't bother me anymore. Well, I tell myself that and eventually I start believing it. So...it does, but I'm getting better at it. Sometimes, out of no where, one of us will kiss the other. The other of us is so shocked that we just kind of stand there and actually start to get upset. It's upsetting when we kiss each other because it's just so weird. I don't even know the last time my dad asked me how my day was, told me he loved me, or even told me goodnight. Although, he tells my brother 'night every night. I hear him say it. So yeah.

Today I went with Fairie Chick to Saver's. We're both going to hell, we really are. Yes, we stole from Savers. I got three hankerchiefs (to be used as headkerchiefs), two black slips (to be worn as skirts), and a blue wig. I may as well start killing people. *sigh* We talked a lot, as we usually do. There is something about us hanging out that is so unlike anything else. Kind of just this mindless peacefulness. We don't really talk about anything, but somehow it all makes sense. We talked very little about Jah Love, so she called me and we chatted for a few minutes. In conclusion, her feelings about whether or not we should be together go back and forth as much as mine do. In conclusion: no conclusion. I know I've got to make a decision soon. I'm just not sure what it will be.

I've got a geometry test tomorrow, I haven't opened up my book all chapter. I called Anthony to get Cupcake's number, but Cupcake was over there. He's skipping geometry tomorrow, so I think I shall too. I'm staying after school to work on my english project with Fairie Chick, Jessy, and hopefully Manda (if anyone can get ahold of her), but my parents will be gone. I'll go drag out the answer machine book so I'll check the messages at school, and if my teacher leaves one then I'll delete it before my mom gets home.

I watched American Beauty again. I can't help it, I'm addicted to the movie. It's just so...perfect. Sensicle. Is that a word? I'm not sure. But...it makes my heart beat a little stronger, it makes me feel like I can get through one more day. It's just that movie for me. Everyone has that one movie, the one movie that they can watch so much that they start to memorize the lines, so much that they actually want to memorize the lines and long for someone to say something so they can spout off lines. The one movie that you watch late at night, so when it finishes the sun is just rising and you just HAVE to go into the backyard and sit there, just listening to the sun rise. Just listening to the grass. The one that makes you wish you could just live on the beach, only answering to the sand and the tide. The one that makes you feel infinite.

I just finished watching the show Alias. This is unusual, since I don't really watch nor care for TV. But a sexy girl, who is a spy, who can kick ass? Now, that is something I can dig. She's not quite as busty or blonde as say...Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Actually, she's not a bombshell, she's not a knockout. She's just pretty. But, like so many chicks, she cleans up nicely. She's got some kickass karate moves and she actually wears a bra. She's a double agent, she has emotions, there's a plot. Not to mention that her wardrobe is rockin'. What's there not to like?

I feel a little mechanical right now. But...I gotta go call Miss Pink and then I'm probably going to call Jah Love. Maybe. Maybe I shouldn't. I talked to him the other day. He says I make him sound like an asshole. Well, I'm just presenting my side of the story, of what I think and feel. You can read his side if he'd ever type it, and you can see what Fairie Chick thinks also. Make of him what you will. I feel like I shouldn't talk to him. Like talking to him would distract my 'thinking' the same way kissing him does. It's all the same, it's just the same. But at the same time I wan to talk to him, I want to push him up against a wall and kiss him. The way that I want to say goodbye and never talk to him again, but I want to hold him close and never let him go. What to say? What to do? What actions will lead me where? Will I be happier here or will I be happier there? Which is better for me. Can I ever really know? I don't want to be like Fairie Chick. I refuse to be a bunny, too afraid to make a choice. I will make my choice and throw myself into it and not look back. I just have to figure out what choice that will be. Jah Love, I promise it will be soon. Pixie