Saturday, October 20, 2001

I Can't Stop Thinking

So...Friday. Friday was one of those days. Just a day where a lot of stuff happens. First things first: my outfit. It was a green plaid bondage skirt, my chunky funky boots, and a high-necked black tanktop. But it was slashed down the chest. Add in a gel bra, and you've got one...interesting outfit. I walked into chemistry and Jordan was just like "brittany, that is the greatest shirt I've ever seen". In chemistry we blew stuff up, very cool. We also made water, very cool. Lots of fire and booms. First break was mainly spent explaining to people the Jah Love/Pixie situation. Many people said "oh, just like Rachel and Ross" (from the TV show Friends). I have no idea if that's what it's like. Oh, wait a sec, you guys aren't even up to date. I called Jah Love on the phone, we talked, we set down some rules. We're on a break. We can hug, we can hold hands, we can say I love you. We can't do anything more than that. We can do whatever we want with other people, we just can't "get official" with them, and that's kind of that. So...I also spent a lot of it just hugging Jah Love.

Spanish was good. We ate food. I had to go to the home ec room to warm something up. Brian Q was there. Uncool. No panic attacks, yay for me. I don't know why that kid does that to me. He shouldn't. I should be able to walk past him in the hallways (instead of going as out of my way as I need to to make sure that he doesn't see me), I should be able to walk through the courtyard (for the most part I stay away, and if I do venture there I stay away from the area I know he hangs out in), I should be able to look at him without absolutely freaking out. But I do. So, it was a good thing that nothing happened. I didn't stay long. I didn't want to push my luck, so I took my dish before the cheese was even melted and went back to class. Second break was mostly spent...not being with Jah Love. Just hanging out with other people.

In english we had a test...I took a nap...and that was basically the whole class. After school there was an assembly (or rather, it was a shortened day for the assembly), so we had an hour to kill being the non-school spirited rebels that we are. So, we walked to Smith's to get Fairie Chick some hair dye. I got a lot of makeup, and then we walked back. I had missed my bus. Bummer. I didn't really want to go home anyway so I decided to just hang around and catch a ride home with Jessica from her dad's girlfriend. Well, some people were going to Subway, so we joined them. Some people being Robert, the Venezuelan (Ricardo), Micheal, Jessy, me, and Justin. Robert donated some cloves to us (or, everyone but Jessy and Micheal, who don't smoke). Yum yum. Those are what I started smoking on, and I haven't had any since, well, since I stopped hanging out with Sperm Girl. So...it was nice. They taste like cinamon and smell like Christmas. We walked to Subway and hung out there for a while. Only Ricardo actually got food. Micheal bought a big drink and we just got a lot of straws and kept getting refills. How strange it is to drink out of a cup at the same time as someone else. It just feels so...intimate. Almost like you're having sex with them. I was drinking at the same time as Micheal once, with my eyes open and he was like "no, we can't do this, you keep your eyes open! That's just too weird!". We talked about Jah Love for a while, about sex, about everything basically. It was cool. Finally, Jessica's dad's girlfriend came to pick us up like, 10 minutes before Jessy had to be back at school. I called my house to get permission to go to the tailgate party and football game. Well...no one answered. So, I just let them know my plans, and we got Jessy home, and back to school only three minutes late. She had to go do her band stuff, so I ran into Fairie Chick, Kristen, Josh, and his friend Ryan. We hung out. Fairie Chick and I switched clothes a few times as she tried on my outfit and stuff. Josh was hitting on me, I was hitting on him back a bit. Kristen was biting him. I backed off.

Soon Fairie Chick's dad would be coming to take her home for munchies and to pick up Anthony's shirt for homecoming, I decided to go too. Hey, I need food. I could have had her dad drop me off, but I didn't want to go home. We were waiting for her dad to come, he was taking forever. Insert Bobby. Bobby is a kid I met the other day, he's a friend of Jessica's. We were talking to him, he's such a sweetie, but he's got a bit of a crush on me. I was a bit down on myself, and he was just like, can I tell you something? And I'm like sure. And he's like, you are the sexiest, most beautiful girl I have ever met in my entire life. And I've met a lot of women. Don't be so down on yourself. So...Fairie Chick's dad came, we went, we ate, we talked. A little bit about Jah Love, but mostly about guys in general. Just...how you act a certain way to get their attention and you do certain things. I'm completely aware of everything I say and do towards guys. I do it for a purpose. I want them to think that Jah Love is the luckiest guy in this universe to be with a girl like me, I want them to think that I'd be the most perfect chick to be with or even to touch. I play my part well, because most guys do end up thinking that. So...just about that and stuff. And what I'd do and who I'd be with if Jah Love and I don't end up being together.

We went back to school, me wearing the same thing, her wearing a red/white plaid skirt, holey red tights, bowling shoes, and a wifebeater. Quite a pair. We were dropped off...as we walked through the quad we just kind of stopped and went "why are we here again?". Oh right, Jessy. People who saw us were also surprised to see us there. Hmm, well, it happens sometimes. We got in and found a place to sit down. S. came and sat with us, along with Justin. Jaston was there, with Josh, a kid I had met earlier that day who also has a bit of a crush on me, and Chris. I used to know Chris back when Jessy was friends with Sarah. Before they got into a fight. Since then, as far as we're concerned, Chris was pushed off a cliff. I wonder if he remembers who I was. He used to like me, along with the other Chris. Which is sorta why Sarah didn't like me when we first me. She was used to having Jessy all to herself, and then Jessy had me and we started being friends and that was sorta weird. And then Chris and Chris liked me and...well, y'know. But, we're cool now. And if Jessy and Sarah hadn't of gotten into that fight I probably would have ended up with Chris. Not Chris that was at the football game, but a different one. So, anyways.

It was fun, we were all just hanging out. Fairie Chick started flirting with S, who claimed to be immune. We had to prove her wrong, of course, so we were biting each other and licking each other and stuff. Josh H. came over to see, along with Ryan. Along with everyone else. So that was happening on and off. Jah Love appeared with a handful of chicks. It was kind of...hard to see him at first. I was talking to Josh (not H. the one I had just met) and just telling him the situation and he's been through the same thing so he was really sweet about it. But...at half time Josh left with Jaston and Chris. Well, can't win them all. The rest of the game was okay. We had a streaker (with a really really nice bum! Weee!), the biggest big time bitch won homecoming queen. No one cheered for her, and no one likes her, so we're all confused as to how that happened. We all wanted Kat, the kicker to win. It was quite cool seeing her stand up there in her football uniform next to the other chicks in their homecoming dresses. Sadly, she did not win, which everyone is blah about.

Justin was there too, he was rubbing my back and stuff, and everyone was basically down on Jah Love to make me feel better. He was equated to a Chia Pet. You know...they don't really have a purpose, they're just there, no one really wants them. Everyone assured me that all the girls he was with were ugly and slutty anyway. Well...none of it was really true, but it was sweet of them to try y'know. Then, Bobby found us, and he was spazzing out. Crying, spazzing. He lost his backpack. Or rather, it was stolen. Four years of poetry gone gone gone. We went with him to help find it. We talked to Metro (the police), and they said to talk to school police (also metro, but involved with the school). The school police told us to go look for it since there wasn't a lost and found open, and it wouldn't be a problem getting back into the game. We soon found out that the problem wasn't getting into the game. It was getting out. The chick at the gate - a CAFETERIA LADY, wouldn't let us leave. She said he could go by himself. This guy is CRYING, absolutely spazzing out, about to flip out, and she would't let us go with him. Fucking power trip. I was really upset by that. Grrr! I can't stand people who are mean. I can't stand people who are mean for no reason. I don't like people on power trips. I have problems with people who are oblivious to people's feelings, I have problems with people who've got to *go by the rules*, even when they could be HELPING someone.

So, I was a bit upset by that. And then I just started thinking about people being stupid and mean and I was crying (see why I don't watch the news?), and then I started thinking about my parents because Fairie Chick was going to leave and did-I-need-a-ride-home. Well, not really. I needed a ride home, but I didn't want to go home. I knew I should, because my parents would already be hella pissed at me and I didn't need to make it worse. But, I didn't want to go. So, I started getting upset about my parents and just everything, and I'm crying. Bobby comes back - no backpack to be found. He's upset, I comfort him, I'm upset, he and everyone else comforts me. He starts to laugh hysterically - how well I know that feeling. Poor kiddo. He calms down a bit, and it's all good again. S. and Fairie Chick leave, and I guess on their way out they talk to Jah Love. He asks why I'm so upset, Fairie Chick implies that it's his fault and she can't even deal with him. Well, it was his fault and it wasn't. Not really.

So he comes up to talk to me, I assure him that he hasn't done anything wrong, he leaves. Bobby thinks he's an asshole. *shrugs* Bobby has a biased opinion because he likes me, but he still thinks Jah Love is an asshole. Something about being self-centered and not even seeing if there was anything he could do to help me. I told Bobby that that was just Jah Love being Jah Love. I'm going to catch a ride home with Jessy, who is catching a ride home with Joseph. Bobby is coming with. The theater is locked, my skirt is in there. I can't go home wearing my green skirt. So...Jessy is such a sweetheart and lets me wear her pants. I'm convinced they won't fit me because she wears like, a size 0 or 1 or 3, and I wear a size 9. Well, they fit me, and I'm shocked, and I'm still down on myself and Bobby is like, telling me how pretty I am, and tells me that any guy that doesn't want me is an idiot and any guy who is with me is very very lucky. I know, they're just lines, but the thing about Bobby is that you can tell he means it. He doesn't just spout off lines, he means what he says. So...it was a bit shocking. And Jessy is just like, you're perfect babe and everyone thinks so. I ask people what they think of me not because I want them to be like "oh no, you're not ugly, you're so pretty", but because I'm really in awe of people that think I'm attractive. I just don't see how they can think that my face is pretty, or how they can think my body is nice. Sure, I don 't think I'm too bad looking, and honestly my body isn't too bad. But on most days I still don't think I'm attractive at all. I just don't see how other people can see it either.

Joseph's dad is super super nice and awesome, and he drops me off. I just get some looks from my parents and a small talk, but nothing too bad. Bobby calls me and we talk. He says that he looks into my eyes and sees a scared little girl, who acts like herself, but not really. She's too scared to let people see who she really is. Which is true. And surprising, because most people don't see that about me. Or, if they do they pretend not to. We only talked for a bit because I was super tired, so I went to bed. During that I went to hang up the cordless and my mom asks me what I wore to the game. I lie through my teeth and say my boots, my knee-length black skirt, and my sweatshirt because it was cold. I came home waring jeans, so I tell her that Jessy wanted to borrow my skirt. I go back in my room. I hear my mom knock on my brother's door and she is like "you're sure your friends saw her wearing a miniskirt?"

This morning I got a little talk. Apparently my brother's friend said that I was dressed "pretty wild". I deny it, of course. My mom believes me, or pretends to believe me, we talk a little bit. About her school and morals and stuff. Just normal stuff that we used to always talk about. (like I said, we debate a lot. It's just how I grew up and it drives some people crazy). Jah Love called me...we talked a little bit.

I don't really want to talk about any conclusions I've reached. Just because, well, I don't want him to think that I'm leaning more to one side or the other because I haven't made up my mind yet. Y'know? He's like...I don't know. Something about Tamara, one of the girls he was with last night. I guess she still likes him. He doesn't like not being in a relationship. It's just kind of like...well, tha'ts your problem. If you need to go have a relationship with someone because you're too afraid to be single instead of being single and waiting for me to figure things out...then, I guess it's not really worth it. It's not worth being with him if he can't wait for me to figure things out. And if he can't wait for me, then I guess it's better that he's with someone else so that I don't even have the choice of going back to him.

Some people think that he's doing the same thing to me that he did to Fairie Chick. Someone signed my guestbook saying that he was an asshole and he's just trying to make me break up with him. I don't know what to think. There are some things about him that drive me wild, and I'm just so happy to be with him that I can't even stand it. And then there are some things that make me look at him and ask myself why I'm with him. Just like there are some things about me that I love about myself when I'm with him, and some things about me that I think I belong no where near a relationship. But it was a good day. I got to spend a lot of time talking to people (especially Fairie Chick and Jessy), and thinking. Which is the point of this break, to think. It sorta bugs me though, that most people see this break as a chance to hook it up with Pixie :/ I guess it just comes with the territory.

In other news, I do have some pics up. Three to be exact. So, go check out the photo album, they're on the third page of Shoe box. There's a pic of me and Josh H., a pic of Jah Love and Super Ego, and a pic of Biscuit, Josh H., and Jah Love. In case you want to see what they look like. By the end of the day I'll have more up. Pixie





Thursday, October 18, 2001

Hurt

Today was a very taxing day, as every day seems to be. I went to school, had a test in world history. I did alright. I think. Geometry was boring as fuck. I didn't do the homework, of course. But...I frantically copied off of Kyle. Everytime I was like "nevermind, fuck it" he was like "no on, just keep going!" And, he was right. I did it in time. Like, by two seconds. I'm so hopelessly lost in that class. We have a test on Monday. PE was PE. Cindi pissed off some ROTC chick. I talked to some chicas about why it hurts so badly to have sex. Survey says Jah Love has a cock much too big for any virgin, and that we're not having sex often enough. Hmmm.

After school there was a meeting for the haunted house. I'm officially a dead ballroom dancer. Possibly partners are Biscuit, Cupcake (really, everyone calls him cupcake, it's not some blog nickname, just so you know), Super Ego, this blonde kid, or someone else that I don't know of. Cupcake will probabably be with Jude. Who knows how the rest of us will pair up. *shrugs* Jah Love was angry today because Adam bit my neck. Kristen, Duck, Ant, and Fairie Chick and I had a pow wow about me cutting and the whole Jah Love/Brittany thing. Hmmm.

Came home...watched American Beauty again. I'm convinced that movie is absolutely perfect. The score, the charecters, the actors, the scenery, it's all so perfect - no faults whatsoever in the entire movie. None. Awesome movie. *sigh* Perfection at it's best. Really. It's also a perfect example of why I hate the f-word (fag or faggot). It's a word that is filled with hate, it's a word that is carved into people's bodies before they get the shit kicked out of them for being who they are (or, sometimes, after they get the shit kicked out of them). The family reminds me so much of mine. My dad actually said so too. The mom is entirely psycho like my mom. Everything she says is something my mom has been through, said, or totally would say. "I watched you really closely, and I'm so proud of you honey. You didn't screw up once!" The daughter is also on a dance team.

So yeah...afterwards it just made me want to call Jah Love. It's the kind of movie where you wish you had someone you loved to call and tell that you loved them, so I did. He had to go eat dinner, so he did. Out of curousity, I came online to check his blog. He had written in it. He had cut himself. He had lied to me. He had told me that his cat did it. I was so...angry, I couldn't even think straight. Eventually you just get to that point where nothing is worth it anymore. Cutting isn't worth it, living isn't worth it, you just want to rip out your own heart and be done with it, and that's how I felt. He lied to me. And then he lied to me again. He said he did it because he was 'bored'. I don't know if he thought he would say that to make it better, but in fact it made it worse. At least I couldn't be too mad at Fairie Chick. She had a reason. It helped her feel better. And he didn't even try to cover it up. He *always* wears a sweatshirt, 95% of the time he's got it on. Today he wore a short sleeved shirt and didn't even bring the sweatshirt. And then he wrote about it in his blog. Fairie Chick had the decency to try to cover it.

I felt really...sick. Sick to my stomach, sick of myself. Sick of him. I had the decency to not hurt other people while hurting myself. With the exception of my arm, I didn't cut in places people could see. I haven't cut on my arm since middle school because people see it. I don't want to hurt people. I cut where almost no one could see. I covered it up. Oh, btw, the other night I cut myself five times on my upper arm. I don't really remember it. But, I didn't write about it because I didn't want Jah Love or Fairie Chick to find out. Now they know, so it doesn't matter.

We talked for a while. Mostly me being very angry. An incredible, indescribable hate for my self. So...lots of us talking since then. You can read about it in his blog to. Have I cut myself tonight. Of course I have. I"m utterly predictable. Dull razor blade. It'll probably scar. I don't really care right now. "CRUEL" "SELFISH" "CRAZY" along with 9 single cuts. Yeah. Bummer for me. I don't really care. Jah Love and I have been talking since then. Right now he's sorta breaking up with me. Well...kinda. Here's the conv. Make of it what you will.

JahLove: I love you. And I am extreamely sorry. I want to be with you Brittany, I love you.
TwisterChick69: where did that come from?
JahLove: I want you to be with me tomarrow, I want for you to be able to be with me, Im really sorry Britt, I am.
JL: Check Hotmail...
TwisterChick69: okies. but..where did this come from?
TwisterChick69: five minutes ago you were just being normal...and i was the only one bringing anything up
JL: Brittany...Im affraid right now. Im affraid your going to walk away from me and never come back. Im affraid Im going to lose you. I affraid your going to break up with me...
TwisterChick69: but dude...where did this come from?
JL: Oh...I updated...
TwisterChick69: okies
TwisterChick69: you still haven't answered my question
JL: Where did this come from? The small, little light in that big black void in the center of my being, it came from my heart.
JL: I love you.
TwisterChick69: but...five minutes ago you loved me but you weren't syaing this
TwisterChick69: (although i did notice that you didn't say i love you to me when we hung up0
JL: I was affraid.
JL: That you would hang up...and never say I love you to me.
JL: See...now you wont say anything...Ive fucked everything up...
TwisterChick69: no no, you haven't
JL: Yes I have...and I can't stand it.
TwisterChick69: no!
TwisterChick69: it's just, i told you, i'm bad with expressing my feelings. give me a minute, okay?
JL: Then what's going to happen tomarrow? Are you going to be able to stand by me tomarrow? Are you going to look me in the eye and say "I love you" to me?
TwisterChick69: i don't know
JL: That's exactly what I'm talking about...
JL: I need that, and I don't think you can give that to me right now, and that's what scares me.
JL: If you don't want to talk to me right now I can go...
TwisterChick69: no no. don't leave me alone
TwisterChick69: i know it's selfish but please don't leave me alone right now
JL: Then can you at least answer me?
TwisterChick69: can you repeat the question?
JL: What about tomaroow?
TwisterChick69: i can't answer it yet because i don't know yet
TwisterChick69: miserable attempt to explain myself right now:
TwisterChick69: how many cuts will it take,
for me to hate myself enough,
how many hearts will i break,
before my thirst is satisfied.
TwisterChick69: how many times will i cry,
those tears that no one sees,
how many lies must i tell,
before i sucessfully forget what is true.

TwisterChick69: how often will i need it whispered to me,
how i am not worthless,
how many times do i need to hear it,
before i start to believe it.
TwisterChick69: how will i decide,
what i really need
how long must i think,
before i know what i mean
JL: Well, I need to know whether or not I'm single. I need to know if I'm still loved or not.
TwisterChick69: as of right htis moment you are not single adn you are loved
JL: What about eight hours from now?
JL: Because if thats going to change then I will not be going to bed because I want to experience it for as long as I can.
TwisterChick69: if you need/want to go to bed right now then go to bed baby
JL: ...the felling of still being loved.
JL: feeling*
JL: It's not a matter being tired or not. If I am going to end up single in the morning I want to know now. That way I can at least feel loved for anouther eight hours.
JL: Speechless I see...
TwisterChick69: actually i'm trying to find the hole in my straw :/
TwisterChick69: i know it's there! i just odn't know where
TwisterChick69: umm...i don't know right now. if i knew right now i would tell you because i don't believe in keeping people waiting. as lame as it would be to break up with someone over the internet *cough cough* joe *cough cough*
JL: Britt, seriously, what is going to happen?
TwisterChick69: tonight i'm going to write a note to my parents saying that it is imperitive for me to get to school at a decent time tomorrow (ie: get TO school at 6:45)
JL: If you want to break up then call me and tell me. If not, I need to know.
JL: What are we going to do?
TwisterChick69: and then i'm going to piss everyone off because i cut myself again, just after having a conversation today with duck, fairie chick, anthony and kristen about *not* cutting myself
TwisterChick69: and then i'm going to hug you, and hold you, and look into your eyes
JL: I thought you said you didn't do it!
TwisterChick69: after that...therea re no garentees. you can't predict life
TwisterChick69: i lied
JL: Then we're even.
TwisterChick69: sorta
JL: Looking in my eyes and then what? There is only two possible outcomes here. You say you love me and everything is ok, or your going to break up with me.
TwisterChick69: i'm 98% sure that i'm not going to break up with you
TwisterChick69: but i'm also 98% sure that i won't say everything is okay
JL: But there is still that lingering 2% doubt that you will break up with me. And that everything is ok.
TwisterChick69: well everything isn't okay, but that's just one of those things that come along with living and loving
JL: As long as I'm still with you and can still call you my own.
TwisterChick69: that 2% is there because i'm strongly considering having my mom put me into a...place. a place for people like me.
JL: What kind of place?
TwisterChick69: think of drug rehab but for cutting.
TwisterChick69: well, usually the cuters and the eating disorders are grouped togehter
JL: Do you think it would help?
TwisterChick69: maybe. it would force me to stop cutting and deal with my non-exsistent problems
JL: Is this like a place where I wont be able to see you for long periods of time?
TwisterChick69: mmhm
JL: Great...
JL: If you really think it will help, then...I'm behind you 100%.
TwisterChick69: if i leave i don't want us to be together.
JL: I understand.
JL: You dont need any extra problems.
TwisterChick69: you're not a problem
JL: Im a ball and chain.
TwisterChick69: it's just i don't want you to have to say "yeah...i have a girlfriend...but she's off with other fucking crazy people"
JL: I would never!
TwisterChick69: well you'd be thinking that
TwisterChick69: you'd be thinking i have a crazy girlfriend and she's off with other crazy people
TwisterChick69: and besides *shrugs* what if you met someone? i wouldn't want you to not be with them
JL: Not really...I would be thingking, "She;'s off bettering herself right now."
JL: Besides, you know that no females like me. Im the anti-female.
TwisterChick69: hah, it says right here that self injurers are "fearful of intimate relationships".
TwisterChick69: females like you. you're just oblivious to it
TwisterChick69: i was oh-so-totally coming onto you the night that BISCUIT broke up with me and you didn't even notice
JL: My ass females like me. I already told you, they like me donkey ears.
TwisterChick69: fuck you, it started before the donkey ears
JL: They just helped.
JL: Do you think your mom would stick you in rehab?
TwisterChick69: actually, probably not. i can't miss the school. i need the grades so i can get scholarships and do all the shit she wished she could have doen
TwisterChick69: *sigh* maybe in the summer
JL: So that at least gaurentees my spot until the summer time...right?
TwisterChick69: i don't know, don't ask me hard questiosn
JL: Well, for now anyway, right?
TwisterChick69: i don't kow. i don't know if it's a good idea for you to be with me
JL: So you want to break up then?
TwisterChick69: no. i just question whether or not it's good for you to be with me
JL: Well, if you have to question whether or not I should be with you...that might mean trouble down the road for both of us.
TwisterChick69: Trevor, really think about it
JL: I have, and I love you.
TwisterChick69: goddamn, do you want to be with someone like me? someone who has breakdowns at the drop of a hat? someone who doesn't even know whether she's crazy or not? someone who you'll hardly ever get to see, EVER, unless i sneak out of my house?
JL: Turn the tables...do you want to be with someone who plays mind games and manipulates people to get what they want?
TwisterChick69: but you don't
JL: Dont what?
TwisterChick69: play mind games and manipulate people to get what you want
JL: I do. I really do. Ask my ex Tamara, she knows. But no, I have never done that to you and I dont plant on it.
TwisterChick69: so tell me about it
TwisterChick69: what'd you do?
JL: Do you want to be with me?
TwisterChick69: i think so
JL: Yes or no?
TwisterChick69: but tell me about what you did to tamara
JL: I made here think she wanted to be with me when she really didnt just for pure amusement on my part.
TwisterChick69: :/
JL: Yes or no?
TwisterChick69: don't make me choose right now
TwisterChick69: if you want to go to sleep then go to sleep, but don't make me choose right now
JL: All you have been saying all night is that I shouldnt be with you. If that is truely how you feel then ok, we wont be together. Im not going to force you into something you dont want to do.
TwisterChick69: it's not like that
JL: And I wont hold it against you either.
TwisterChick69: i am just questioning whether or not we should be together, okay?
JL: Exactly! If you really wanted to be with me you wouldn't have to question it.
TwisterChick69: do you not want us to be together?
TwisterChick69: trevor, if you do'nt want to be putting up with my shit then just tell me and break up with me instead of trying to get me to break up with you
JL: I do want us to be together. I want to be with you. But not if you dont.
TwisterChick69: and i wouldn't hold it against you
JL: Britt, I do want to be with you. But are you capable of ahving a relationship with me right now?
TwisterChick69: i. don't. know.
JL: Then mabey its better if we dont persue anything until you figure it out.
TwisterChick69: so...where do we stand?
JL: We stand...just not as close as we used to.
JL: I figure that is easiest way of putting it.
JL: Are you alright?
TwisterChick69: no
TwisterChick69: am i ever?
JL: Your a ball of sunshine what are ya talking about?
JL: I just want you to know that I still love you.
TwisterChick69: mmhm
JL: And when your ready...hopefully....I will be there for you. And we can pick right up where we left off.
TwisterChick69: and if you're not? and if we can't?
JL: That might have to be a chance that we both are willing to take.
TwisterChick69: then what?
JL: BUt, more than likely I will be there for you.
JL: Im no FaBio remember?
JL: More than likely I will be there...
JL: Just have faith...
TwisterChick69: fate screws me over
JL: Join the club...
JL: Mabey she'll go easy on us this time?
TwisterChick69: don't do this to me
JL: Do what?
TwisterChick69: this
JL: What? Be specific!
TwisterChick69: this! what you're doing right now!

JL: And that is?
TwisterChick69: this lets take a break shit and see what happens shit
JL: Im not saying lets take a break. Im saying lets let Brittany figure out what she wants and then hopefully when she does Ill be there
TwisterChick69: it's the same fucking thing
JL: What do you want me say?
JL: See ya?
JL: Habve a nice life without me?
JL: What?
TwisterChick69: if that's what you're trying to say then just fucking say it!
JL: Its not goddamnit!!
JL: I love you and I care for you and I dont want to let you go!!
JL: But your not letting me!!
TwisterChick69: then why are you?
JL: Because, you dont think you can be in a realationship right now.
JL: I want you to know what your going into before you fully commit yourself to me.
TwisterChick69: trevor! i lost my virginity to you and told you that i loved you, and i meant it damnit. if that's not 'comitted' then i don't know what fucking is
JL: I dont want to break up, but I need to know if you can be in this relationship?
TwisterChick69: i don't know i don't know.
TwisterChick69: fine, let's take a break! i'm going to bed
JL: No
JL: We are not taking a break
JL: We are going to make this work goddamnitt!!
JL: You and me!
JL: Together
TwisterChick69: you need to know if i can be in a relationship. i'm telling you right now that i don't know if i can be, i have no fucking idea. if you need to know, then i can't tell you
TwisterChick69: so fuck off because you said it, not me
JL: Then Im telling you...
JL: we are still together
JL: and we are going to get throught this
JL: im not going to run at the first sign of trouble, fuck that, i love you and im not leaving you
JL: and that is that.
TwisterChick69: fine then, i'm leaving you. we need a break
JL: WHAT THE FUCK?
JL: what do you mean your leaving me?
TwisterChick69: i mean waht i say. i'm leaving you
JL: why?
TwisterChick69: you need to know whether or not i can be with you. i don't know. i don't want to put you through this shit of us sitting here every night. you're right. i need to figure stuff out, you need to think
JL: i dont need to think, i know what i want and what I want is you!
TwisterChick69: but it's not that easy! it never is
JL: mabey not for you but for me it is
TwisterChick69: fine. then *i* need a break, and maybe you'll get your head on straight in the meantime.
JL: what does that mean?
JL: i need to my head on strait
TwisterChick69: becuase it's obviously not. you can't even decide whether or not you think we should be on a break or not!
JL: we shouldnt!!!
TwisterChick69: that's not what you thought a minute ago!
JL: I dont want to go on a break. but what i do want is for you to know that im putting everything i have into this and that i need to know if your goning to do the same thing.
TwisterChick69: i've got to get off the comp, i can't handle this right now. i'll call you if you want and we can talk about it then, but i can't do this right here right now.
JL: ok
JL: im sorry
TwisterChick69: do you want me to call you?
TwisterChick69: don't be sorry. never be sorry
JL: yeah
TwisterChick69: kay, give me a few minutes.

This is live action kiddos. I'm going to go call him now. Pictures WILL be up on Saturday. Later. Pixie (PS: TwisterChick69 is indeed my AIM name, feel free to IM me if we're ever online together, Jah Love and JL are obviously not his).

Wednesday, October 17, 2001

Oh, and since I'm submitting my blog to be reviewed at a different diary critic (I'm still waiting for december 17th ya'll, then it'll be six months and I can send it in at the other one). This one is actually not half bad, although they haven't reviewed too many sites yet, and they seem to look at the empty half of the glass. Very honest and frank, no bullshit, but it's all opinions anyway. So, a temp. link for now shall be here and when I revamp my site they'll get their very own link on the links page. Cross your heart and kiss your elbow for me, Fred. (sorry, I just couldn't resist the Holly Golightly moment there).
She Bites

She also says things like, "That was probably the most erotic candy moment I've ever seen". She is Jessy, by the way. She was feeding me Sour Punch Straws, which are long thin yummy candies, and apparently the way I ate them was erotic. Then again, it's not the first time I've had someone say it was sexy when they fed me those exact same candies. *shrugs* Whatever floats your boat, babe. So, I haven't written for a whole two days. How strange is that? Sorry about my last bitch bitch bitch entry. I hate to put you through that. I hate feeling like that. But y'know, sometimes you have those days. Yesterday...well, I still like my world history teacher - I was so caught up in the discussion/lecture that we were having that I forgot to take notes. I was going to write notes from the book (they're graded), but I'm a lazy pixie. I think he likes me and I hope remembers that I was like, one of three students participating and just gives me the points. Geometry...my teacher hates me, she really does. I was also falling asleep in class. She looks like a hampster, she's boring, she's monotone, she acts like a gerbil, she hates teaching and she hates teenagers. Why the hell is she teaching high school math? Why, oh why? All she does is torture us. PE was...well, PE. We're playing softball. I'm in fairly good shape, I'm very competitive and I like sports. I just don't have that whole hand/eye cordination thing. It makes me suck at tennis, softball, baseball, football (not that we play football, but if we did I wouldn't be too good). I'm pretty good at badmiton. But, my point is that the weather is still pretty warm, the sun is in my eyes, the dirt turns my shoes red, I'm not enjoying myself. Especially when I have all of one friend in that class.

Then I came home and started to have a bit of a breakdown. Jah Love stole a desk from school, don't ask. Well, last night we're on the phone and I'm all blah and it's been in the back of my head lately: we've got to break up. It's impossible to have a relationship while still (wanting to) cut. It's just impossible. It can't be done. I've been in relationships with cutters and I've been a cutter in a relationship and I realize and know from experience that it's really hard to do. So...we're on the phone, Jah Love is a sleepy sweetie, but I don't want to get off the phone with him. I can't get off the phone with him because I know that if I do I'll cut. So, I ask him to stay on the line with me. But I started thinking: that is so unfair. He shouldn't lose sleep because his girlfriend can't get her shit together. It's unfair for me to ask him to have to go through all he'll have to go through with me. It's unfair to him. I don't want to be like Fairie Chick and Ant. She feels like his problems are so big that she can't talk about hers. I don't want Jah Love to think that he can't come to me because I've already got so much stuff on my mind. It's not fair of me to ask him to have conversations with me when I'm irrational, pessimistic, hating myself and being sick of the world we live in. No one should have to go through that for someone - especially not when that someone is me.

So...we start talking about things like breaking up. Like how I don't know if I can be with him. Because, if I say I want to be with him then I've got to stop cutting. The two just can't co-exsist. I don't know if I'm ready to stop cutting. And...also, how do I know that I'll stay with him (not cutting) until finally one day I break down, and to punish myself I break up with him or do something so bad that he'll break up with me? I've done it before. I was too goddamn happy and I didn't think that I deserved to be that happy, so I ruined something really great, in order to punish myself (and prove to the person that I wasn't worth all the trouble. After all was said and done, they agreed). I don't want Jah Love to wake up one day and think she wasn't worth it. It's just so...hard. It's hard. It's hard to go through and it's hard to understand. From his point of view, there is no reason for us not to be together. He sees nothing wrong, when I see everything wrong. So...that was a bummer. Finally I let him go to sleep.

School this morning...he was there, he just held me. It was so...awesome. Fantabulus. Porntastic. Yummy. We were just hugging each other and I could smell him and feel his (needed-to-be-shaved) skin, look at him, feel his body, it was wonderful. I opted to be with him and got to first hour after announcements, making me tardy but it was okay. Blar blar. Chemistry is fun, but tiring. I love the teacher, the class is hard. First break I noticed that Jessy and Robert are getting...closer. They were cuddling together. I watched masturbation puppet theater (jennabea taped it at ren-fair. Just think of some drunken Wilds, behind a screen, with props. One of the funniest things I've ever seen). Spanish...we had a test. I totally blame Paco for my being unprepared for that test. We were supposed to study together, but he ditched me for Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Am I surprised? Probably the most cherished present I ever got him was one Christmas he got two buffy keychains and a Sarah Michelle Gellar calender. I personally don't see her appeal. Sure, I'd fuck her just to say that I did, but if I saw her on the street I wouldn't want to. To each his own, I suppose. He told me not to worry and wrote in large letters, bless his heart. The teacher does everything in his power to give me extra credit and make me understand and get points and good grades, but it's just not happening. Paco and Robin both voted that Jah Love and I stay together. Considering that neither of them are too fond of Jah Love (they don't know him personally, just from Fairie Chick's side of everything because they're her friends. To be quite honest, I didn't like him before I met him too) it was quite an opinion.

Second break I noticed more cuddling with Jessica and Robert. I actually went and joined them since Jah Love left me to chase down some Eeyore ears. Mmhm. English. Great, as always. The teacher is awesome. Before class Jessy, Fairie Chick and I were talking, Jessy was biting me in an entirely friendly way (I promise), I asked her about Robert. She didn't give an affirmitive answer, but agreed with us that he liked her. Today we talked more about Plato and discussed the Allegory of the Cave. I'd get into it now because I'm totally digging this philosophy stuff, but I want to get to bed sometime soon. So, we'll save it for a different date. There was a fire drill. We were supposed to go right, but of course Jessy, Fairie Chick and I ran full speed to the left in order to find other theater kids. I ran into Robert, so of course I ask him about Jessy. He didn't give me a definite answer but told me that he thought Jessy totally liked him. Funny, she said the same thing ;) He mentioned she was nibbling on him. She nibbles on everyone, said I. He didn't give me a definite answer in the end either, just said that he was pretty confused right now and didn't really know.

I feel strange about this, considering Robert and I's relationship (it is a strange one, to say the least). I think we understand each other a lot more than we think we do, and I think we are both very unsure about how to feel about that. I don't know, it's strange. But, he's nice to walk with (we went around Ren Faire for a while together). So, I'm totally working on being matchmaker. Jessy was quite interested in finding out what he thought of her, so I'm taking that as a sign that she's got a crush on him. I hope for everyone's sake that they go well together, she hasn't been the same since the whole Josh thang (he was totally her Secret Agent Lover Man. They were so happy, and she stopped cutting and it was really wonderful. Fairie Chick and I were just so in awe that any two people could be so happy and so in love - especially at our age. We mused that the only way they'd seperate was if one of them died. Well...he ended up breaking up with her. Something about not being able to take care of her, I'm not really sure the whole story..)

Went home...sat next to this chick on the bus. She was like, "hey, aren't you Adrian's sister?" I answered affirmative and asked her if she knew my brother. She did. In ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. This is a phenomena I don't understand, but it's common with my whole family. Two years ago (I was in eigth grade) I was at a surprise party for an old family friend. Most of the other girls there were a bit younger than me, but one was my age. I knew her in fourth grade, she still remembered me. I had no clue who she was, of course (we hadn't seen each other for four years, and we weren't that close in the first place!). It happens quite a lot. A few years ago my mom met someone she had gone to junior high with. My mom was 33 at the time! Middle school! So...maybe it's just a family thing, I don't know. But I did the begrudging yes I am his sister, I'm not anything like him, if you say I look like him I'll kill you, don't ever tell him anything you see/hear about me please. Thanks. Well, it more went like "yeah I'm his sister". I try to send the rest of the conversation to them psychicly.

*sigh* It took me forever to orgasm today. Do you ever get to that point when you're masturbating that you just have to ask yourself if the orgasm is worth the effort to get there? It's a bummer when you get to that point. But, I was there today. After like, twenty minutes I was like, it's not even worth it. I did orgasm, but it wasn't worth it. You see what happens? I'm listening to Ani Difranco, it's been a while. I absolutely adore this chick. From her live recordings it's just like...can I put you in my pocket and take you home so you can be on my call for when I want you? That sounds rude, but really. I just want to take her home!

Chinese Jason and I are having a little exchange. I've got some durex condoms (studded too...ooh!), he's got a scanner. See where this is going? I'll give him the pictures tomorrow...you'll get to see pictures of me and Paco at homecoming...Jah Love and Super Ego when they did their personality switch (ooh, I'm so pissed off you have no idea. They only developed 9 out of 12 pictures. I checked out the negatives and I should have a picture of them handclapping like little school girls! Gah. I'll go get them to develop those ones...those bastards!) and...Josh...Robert, Jessy, Fairie Chick...they'll all be there. Then all I've got to do is sucker him into scanning the covers of my two notebooks and I'll be all set, ay? Pixie Ohh, and I'm thinking of revamping the entire blog and my website. I don't know yet. If I do it'll be with another Suza Scalora picture, I've got it narrowed down between two pictures. They're both really white though, so it'll be an entirely different color scheme. However, I think it could be cool. There's just some things I've got to figure out. Question of the day: can pixie learn how to make frames? Don't forget to clix me and check out the new part of my site here. Just quotes and stuff, but I think it's neato.

Monday, October 15, 2001

PPS: I added a new part to my page. http://www.geocities.com/pixiechick0404/quotes.html It's just quotes and stuff, not quite done, but...ehh...if you're bored.
Take A Picture

Oh, and as a PS, I'm getting into photography. I've been saying it a lot lately, I've been craving a creative endevor because I've got all these things floating around that is just rather...unpleasant. After talking to my mom about it (and the fact that she thought I'd be good at it is a surprise), and after talking to this guy at RenFair about it (he told me to go for it) I decided why not. I'm probably still going to ask for a guitar for Christmas, but my birthday is three months later. There are all these images I see that I want to capture for the world to see. Perfectly potent images - isn't that what Violet said? I want people to see the world I do. I adore looking at it through other people's eyes (I don't think I need to go off about all the photographers I'm smitten with. *sigh*), so why not let people see it through mine? Why not let people see why (for the most part) I'm an optimist. Why I'm an idealist even if I agree with Plato, why I believe in people, why I believe that you can reach a state of being where you're nothing but love and eternal bliss, why I believe in putting other people's happiness before yours, why we shouldn't kill innocent people. Why not put all that into pictures? There are two challenges to overcome. The first is to remember to take pictures. I always see these perfect shots and think to myself wouldn't it be great if I could see that forever? and it's like, duh. Like...at Ren Fair, I was sitting on a blanket behind our tent and the leaves were just falling on us in the most beautiful way. There were whisps of wool (or was it cotton candy? Who knows) just floating in the wind, dancing with the leaves that were falling and spinning, in this eternal way. In that moment, they were infinite (*orgasm* for The Perks Of Being A Wallflower. I need to reread that book). A little kid wearing wings. A little kid covered in ice cream. Two people kissing in this...stellar way. And...my second problemo is my perfectionist side. Not having a dark room or a digital cam I've got to wait a while before I can get pictures developed, thereby making it almost impossible to make those pictures better, because the moments have already passed. We'll see where this takes me, I suppose. Pixie
In My Thoughts

Sperm Girl has been in my thoughts lately. Just because I feel closer to her now then I ever did before. As my mom drove me to school, and we stopped at the stopsign out of our community, guess who stops on the other side of the street? (Our complex is divided into two sections, with a public street dividing them. The entrances to the two sections are directly across from each other). Sperm Girl and I waved to each other, my mom and Ike (her mom's boyfriend) nodded to each other. It must be an adult thing, since they've never met. I ran into her after school and we hugged. I realize that we're not friends, in the sense of the word, but we've got this weird understanding. Today when I got home, to an empty fridge (unfortunatly not an empty house) I became quite angry - as I tend to do. I bitched to my mom about not having any food. She bitched to me about being unapreciated as she pointed out all the things that are usually done that aren't because she's been too "busy" (quite honestly I think she's just boycotting it, which would be fine if she'd just admit it). Talk about preaching to the choir. I'm quite aware of all the things she does. All the things she pointed out that hadn't been done since her 'business' were things that I already noticed! Things that I had commented to myself about. I know how hard it is to run a household, I've done it. So why is she bitching to me? Ahh, my favorite moment. As she walks out the door to go to school she says "AND the house needs to be finished painted" and I said "I didn't notice that the house wasn't finished being painted" and she goes "then again, you didn't notice that it was being painted at all". I helped pick out the fucking color. I feel no warm fuzzy feelings towards my parents, my brother, or this house. Quite frankly I don't give a damn what it looks like seeing as no one I know ever comes here. So, when she makes it optional for us to paint it or not, I chose not to. I don't regret it, I don't feel bad about it. Fuck that shit. Really. Maybe if we had painted it the color that I wanted to I'd have helped out. But we didn't. And since I don't care about it, I'm not going to contribute to it. If she really wanted me to, she should have forced me to like she forced everything else on us.

I'm really sick of it right now. It doesn't really matter to anyone else if we have an empty fridge. My dad gets free food at work that is actually really good, my brother is at work till 8:30 and chances are he eats before he comes home. My mom is always going off to 'school' and 'errands' and buying KFC behind everyone else's back (right...no one else notices the KFC bags in her car), but I'm the one that has got to sit here all day. We've been eating out for dinner every night for like, the past week, because my dad is too fucking lazy to go to the store (if I had money to buy groceries I'd go there myself, trust me), and when he does go he doesn't plan. He buys food for whatever we're having that night, not thinking about what else we can use the extra ingredients in, not planning meals for the rest of the week. But it doesn't matter to him because he's not the one not eating. Actually, I doubt that we even have money to go buy groceries now if we wanted to. We'll have to put it on Visa, again. It sucks when you're buying your groceries with a credit card.

I'm so sick of this. I hate dreading coming home. One of the reasons I want a job is so that I don't have to come home! And, it's to work towards not having to live here. Most teenagers I know want jobs for store discounts, or extra money, or to pay their insurance or to buy more clothes or CDs or some shit like that. It sucks hoping you get a job so that you can save all your money in order to move out of your house. Ugh. I'm sick of feeling like I have to be the adult, like I have to get on my dad's ass to go to the store to get us food, when I feel like I need to rag on my brother for not picking up his shit and my mom for acting like a whiny teenager. How many times have I said this? I don't keep plants because I don't want the hassle of taking care of them, so why is it I have to do all this shit for my mom's plants? For her trees and flowers that she begs my dad to let her buy? I don't have kids and a husband because I don't want to deal with their shit either. So why do I end up having to deal with it? If they want me going to the store, buying groceries, planning meals, cooking, doing the bills (although it hasn't come to that yet, but I have the know-how should the occasion arise), cleaning the house, taking care of the yard and bitching at people to get their shit together then they can pay me for it. Ahhhh!

So I made my orthodontist appointment, it's for Wednesday. Ugh. I didn't want it so soon, but what can you do? Oh, that's another thing. How many teenagers do you know that have to do their own laundry, make their own doctor/ortho appointments, make dental appointments for the whole family (I hate doing that. My mom always bitches about the days I pick because she's busy or my dad's busy and they can't drive this day. Why doesn't she make the goddamn appointments herself since she knows everyone's schedule). And this morning she declared that any college-stuff I need/want to do I gotta do it myself. Are we surprised? Not at all. I'm used to doing all the paperwork for school stuff (ha, check out the paperwork we gave the school in like, fourth grade. Worst handwriting I've ever seen). It's expected, but I'm really just tired of doing all this stuff. My uncle thinks I have a dysfunctional family too. I always thought we were pretty normal, but the more I talk to people the more I see that they don't have to do their laundry, or worry about groceries, or take care of paperwork. They're not being bitched at when they screw things up because they're not the ones screwing it up. And my parents can't even help me with my fucking math homework. My OLDER brother can't help me with any of my homework either because my classes are all more advanced than his. We're both in chem, but I'm in honors, I'm in geometry, he's only in alg. 2, I'm in spanish 3, he's only in spanish 1. Gah. Where did my white picket fence go and who took it away?

I'm very blabity blah blah right now. Dysfunctional. What a great word. I'm sorry. I hate pissing and moaning but it's just all been floating around in my head lately. So...today. Today was good. My chem teacher is letting everyone make up all the work that they want, no conditions. It's nice, seeing as we've only had him as a teacher for like, 7 classes. Our homework is to play with fire. Viviana was quite mad at me, but now she's giddy. The trick is to let certain truths leak to her at the right time, and make sure that other truths are saved for a later date. Spanish was spanish. My teacher nudged me with his foot a few times (I was sitting on the floor), he did it right in my bum. :/ he also pinched my cheek, and he makes sure to say bye to me directly (Adios, Britania). Well, I don't care too much. I'm sure my grade in his class sucks. I commented that my back hurt, and sure enough my periods here. Jessy gave me a 'pon (there were pads available, but I can't stand them). It was like a "super huge extra protection" or some shit like that. It was like a mini dildo. It hurt to put it in! Gah. English was great. I adore my english teacher. We talked about Plato and Socrates, and whether people are born good and society makes them bad (Socrates), or whether people are born bad and society makes them good (Plato). Personally, I agree with Plato. Look at children for an example (as they tend to be the purest. They don't lie and mostly haven't been too brainwashed by society). Take Halloween. If someone leaves out a bucket of candy with a little sign that says "Please Take One", they're going to want to take more than one. They *will* take more than one unless their parents (society) are watching. That is bad. Children will steal, be mean and cruel unless someone steps in and teaches them otherwise. But...then you've got to ask. What is bad? Is stealing bad? Is telling someone the truth bad? Well...I've come to the conclusion that there is no bad and good. Good/evil are created by whichever society you belong to. Therefor, what we consider to be bad (which is what we judge whether people are really good or bad) doesn't really exsist. It's something that we created. It's like creating a definition for beauty and then judging whether or not someone is pretty or ugly. They are neither, the only way they're labeled is when you put them up to your standards. On their own, they are just there. Neither beautiful nor ugly. They just are.

Mmhm, so english was fun. I found out that Fairie Chick was going to be in the homecoming assembly. Gah! I didn't even know she was in it, how could I plan to go? I already planned to go to Jah Love's house. *sigh* When she left I tried to tell her to break a leg (by making the motions of "break" and "leg"), but I don't think it got through to her. As I said, I planned to go to Jah Love's house and to his house we went. We watched the Emperor's New Groove and decided to have sex (even though I'm on my period). Still very very painful. Ouchie painful. Gah. The entire time I was trying to figure out what is so great about it, for guys. I even asked him. He was just like "it feels good!" I'm waiting and hoping and wishing for it to feel good. I've got this charector of a sweet innocent nympho built up, but I don't even like sex. (ugh, cramps). We shall see how this develops. And then we started to watch Mystery Men, just goofing around. His mom took me home, which led to me dreading coming home, which led to my anger.

I've got to go finish doing my chores now. Oh, and one more thing that pisses me of. Jah Love called my house to see if my mom was home (I was hoping she was at school so I could stay longer because she wouldn't know what time I got home), and he left a message. When I came home there was no message. His number was on the caller ID, but there was no message. If you're not seeing the significance of it, it means my mother dearest erased it. I realize he calls all the time. So what? My grama calls all the time and I don't erase her goddamn mesages. Sorry, I'm cussing a lot. It's one of those high stress days where I know that the razor blade is only a few feet away, but I'm not going to cut. Not today anyway. I think. I noticed a little cut on my thigh, it obviously originated from a razor blade. I don't remember cutting. Not at all. I have no recollection of that. Now, kiddos, that is freaky. Pixie Oh, and I chaneled my anger into something productive. I read this bullshit opinion at chickclick, and wrote my own. I hope they put it up (they tend to publish my essays but not my fiction. bummer), because I've seen a lot of these sentiments floating around. The original MyVoice (that's the name of this section, where you write up your opinions and if it's any good it'll be published) is as follows:
Women work so hard to have equal rights and things still aren't equal for us. Men take so much that they already have for granted. We get lower pay and lower positions at jobs, yet we're expected to go far and beyond our duties.
Yet another fun fact is that I can't walk down the street without being honked and yelled at just because I'm eye candy to a bunch of perverted guys. Do you know how embarrassing that is? How insulted I am by those men? I hate feeling like a piece of meat or being belittled.
It's not fair that I (or any other woman) can't walk around alone at night or drink at a party without the fear of being raped. I guess that there is always that fear in the back of our minds of what could happen to us because we know so many people that have been raped. I don't want to be a victim; I want to be a person.
It really is a drag to be raised thinking that everything is equal and that women have power, and then face the real world and have all your ideologies smashed to a million pieces when you realize it isn't really true.
Women are constantly being categorized as the server, the nurturer, the mother or the sex kitten. A lot of us don't fit into those categories and all of us are so much broader than that.
One of the most insulting blows to women is most of the pornography business. It degrades and demeans women by giving them cheesy airhead roles and implies that women are stupid and only good for one thing, satisfying a man in bed
Models and artistic nudes are one thing. Models are modeling fashion and fashion is a form of art. Artistic nudes are arranged by great photographers who show beauty. Both of these arts have plenty of class and style, which can be greatly admired and appreciated by plenty of women without the feeling of being degraded.
There is nothing classy or artistic about pornography. It is vulgar and tasteless trash that aims at lowering men's viewpoints of women and our roles in society.
It's a proven fact that women are equally smart and just as capable as men, yet pornography thrives on belittling women to the objects we are fighting so hard not to be viewed as. Men might think that they are just having a good time with the guys -- watching a couple porn videos or going to a strip club. In reality, they are fueling a billion-dollar industry whose main purpose is to degrade women. They're insulting their mothers, sisters, wives, aunts and any women in their lives that they care about. It's a kick in the face of our self-respect and a step backwards in women's rights.
What's so attractive about a bunch of women that are so insecure that they find their self-worth from their looks and prostitute themselves for money and drugs? There is nothing attractive about that.


And me, putting in my two cents:

Many women out there are against porn, prostitution, stripping, and other 'adult entertainment' industries. To me, this is mind boggling. I can understand their point of view - it's degrading, it's insulting, it makes women seen as sex objects - but I don't understand it. I'm a chick, I've got a uterus, I get my period every month (more or less), I like guys (and chicks). I get unwanted cat calls on the street, I won't leave my house alone after dark, I worry about being raped, and I'm seen as being ditzy and stupid. Usually that's the appeal of me to many guys(but turst me when I say that they're dissapointed). By all means I should be a feminist that is against porn. But I'm not. Well, I am a feminist, but I'm not against porn. These women have something that they're good at, and they're making money off of it. They're not all druggies, or sluts (but don't even get me started on how I hate that word and why it should never EVER be used!), they weren't all abused as children and they don't all have illigitimate children. Women against porn usually try to build up that image in our heads.
It's not true. My aunt's a stripper, porn star, and prostitute, and I've met plenty of her friends. Just like lawyers and doctors, some of them are drug addicts; just like waitresses and accountants, some of them have fatherless kids. They just take off their clothes for a living and people seem to have a problem with that.
But those people are falling into the trap. I believe in equality of the sexes. If a guy sleeps around, he isn't a stud, and if a girl sleeps around she isn't a slut. They're just people. So why is it that women porn stars are seen as druggie sluts? Why is it that no one is out there saying how degrading it is for MALE porn stars, for MALE strippers, for MALE prostitutes. Where are the people fighting for them? Is it maybe because no one feels that they need a voice to speak for them? No one thinks that they're druggies, that they have been around the block a few times, that they're bad people?
By saying that women are, and men aren't, you're feeding into the theory that men are all around better than women. You're saying that they can handle, enjoy, and be good at a job like that without being (excuse my language) fucked up human beings. You are telling me that because they're men they have their shit together? That doesn't sound like equality to me.

Sunday, October 14, 2001

Ren Fair

Ugh, a girl can not live like this. I now understand Sperm Girl so much more. She used to sneak out every night and wouldn't get home until like, five am, just in time to get ready for school and go. She never had time to sleep, and she was basically miserably tired except for those few hours she was with her boy. Now I see the appeal, and the torture.

I woke up this morning at like...oh, I don't know, 9 am, got ready in about two minutes and Jah Love came with Jude and Becky to pick me up. We got to sunset park where the fair was at, and started walking around. There was a lot of thievery going on. Jah Love stole a sword yesterday, along with just about everything else (as did everyone else). Yes, it sucks, but yes, they're teenagers. And at least we're picky. We don't steal from the people who live off of ren fair money, just the big commercial tents, who sell 50 dollar swords that are only worth about fifteen. So...it was mostly hanging out. Vivianna is quite pissed at me because word got around about who she likes. *blushes* Yes, it was my fault. But...I did find out that she did actually have a chance with him, but at the end of the day she decides she'd rather be just friends with him! All that work and scheming for nothing!

I bought a pair of fairie wings. Well, more butterfly wings than fairie, but they are absolutely awesome. They cost me 20 bucks (all the money I had for the day), I had to think long and hard, but in the end I bought them just because I had to. *sigh* Fairie Chick also got me this little dagger which is really more like a letter opener, but cute, and a little crown of flowers with ribbons hanging down. Is that it? I think so. Most of the day was just spent walking around, looking at things, talking to people.

At one point I met a woman named Uma, who can only be described as amazing. She was older (40s maybe), and she was working with wool. So, Nick introduced me to her and I sat down and started cleaning the wool (picking out all the grass and seeds and dirt and such from it), and I just sorta stayed for the next three hours. Fairie Chick joined us and we all just talked about everything. Uma was telling us about how, as corny as it sounds, when she's working with wool or spinning it she just really feels like one with her ancestors. And, as corny as it sounds, it's true. Back in the day woman socialized over wool, that's when they gossiped and hung out. Basically, that's what we did. Eventually Uma left to go work something out with someone, so Fairie Chick and I just cleaned the wool and talked to people who passed by, encouraged people to help us out. There was this group of four girls who were absolutely darling. We just talked to them, but they had to leave. Later they came back and helped us some more, and we talked some more, and they sang a song for us. I hugged them bye. They were oh so sweet!

Then me and Robert went for a walk. His hair is pink now, he was wearing a kilt. Someone asked him how he got his hair so pink, and totally in charecter he told the guy that it was all about strawberries. That's the nice thing about Ren Fair - most of the time people are in charector, and it's nice. To just stroll and use cool words and not really worry about things. Bartering, playing around. It's really great, it's like a halloween on this whole different scale. Unfortunatly, it's only for two days a year, which is a bummer. So...we were walking and talking. I was just like, walk with me. So we strolled and chatted and finally he asks me where we're supposed to be going. I said I wasn't sure. He asked me what I was looking for, I told him nothing. He was a bit confused, and asked me why we were walking then. I told him the truth: I just enjoy walking with him. I'm not sure why, but I'm not going to argue.

Eventually Jah Love and Fairie Chick found us, it was a bit of a tense scene, but y'know, it was okay in the end. We winded down, well, I was already wound down. I'm so unbelievably tired. And I came home. My mom is so jealous since she's always wanted to learn how to weave and stuff, but...ahh well. Can't win 'em all. I'm going to bed now, before I fall over. Pixie
So Sore

In all those lovely little ways that only a chick can be sore, and then some. Last night I mentioned to Jah Love that I was planning a nightscapade to Wal Mart, a strange habit I think I've already explained. He came up with the bright idea of me going to his house instead. Well, he didn't have to ask me twice. We made some plans, and that was that. I snuck out of my house at about 10:40. I waited oh, twenty minutes at the busstop. And the bus came. And it just kept going. Didn't even slow down! I ran after it, of course, as fast as my little legs could carry me, until my legs were numb from the effort and cold. The next stop was about a block away, with a red light in front of it. If that light had just been two more seconds...I could have made it. But, it wasn't, and I didn't. I was so pissed off that I just started walking. I forgot the fact that I was a chick, and even if I was in baggy clothes...it was night time. I get shit when I'm in baggy clothes in day time! Surviving rats, spiders, people in vehicles, and bums, I managed to walk, oh...a mile and a half when a bus came. I ran my little self, and thank god for some mexicans getting off because they alerted the driver to my presence, and he waited for me. That guy is an angel. At the next stop I look to the back of the bus to survey my fellow passengers, and I see Ramone! The guy that is always hitting on me in Spanish class! He was getting off, but he assured me that he would call me. The bus driver was laughing and I was like no no, I know him in real life dude.

I got off at my stop...and Jah Love wasn't there. I was so angry I started to cry. Grrr! So...I walked to his house. To get into his community there's a gaurded gate, and the people there gave me shit, but let me through. I was about to burst I was so angry and tired and GAH! I was trying to figure out his house's floorplan so I could figure out which window to bang on, when he appeared. Oh it was nice. We snuck me in (no problem), and basically got to it. A few words were exchanged, but mostly we were getting naked. Oh, and he gave me this celtic knot ring that he got at RenFair. It's a bit big, so I've go to wear it on my middle finger (and even then it's a wee bit big), but it's neato. Add that to another list of firsts - he's the first guy to see me naked. Did we have sex? Of course. First time was with a glow-in-the-dark condom, which is the strangest funniest thing I've ever seen. It hurt for the first half, I'd say, and then it didn't hurt so much. We hung out, being naked, and decided to go at it again. And again and again. Basically, we went through four more condoms, and he didn't come once. One condom because it was just entirely unlubed and I was entirely dry and it was just an icky situation. The next because I was just in so much pain. Oh godess, my uterus was hurting. Not anything inside of me, but my actual uterus. Not cramps or anything, just pain. It was horrible. The last condom came off because I was going to give him head. But...by then I just wasn't for it. I did it for a while, but...I was feeling overall icky. So I played around with his dick for a while (oh shut up, I don't have one, I haven't had any previous experience with them, let me have my fun, okay? Boys, it's the same way that you wanted to play with boobs when you were like, 11). Funny moment of the night: he was desperate to go at it again, but I was totally dry. He went down on me, he fingered me, I fingered myself, nothing was working, so he runs to the bathroom and gets a spray bottle of water and starts squirting me! *smirks* only him.

Lots of naked cuddling and fun, me not wanting to go home because we were betting I'd have to walk (apparently, 9 routes go 24 hours a day, however, I had to talk to a customer service person to find out which ones, and that couldn't happen till 6 am which defeated the entire purpose of knowing since all the busses are running by then anyway!). So...I adiosed it. It was bitterly cold. Fortunatly, I saw a bus coming in my direction, and I knew that it would make a little loop and go back up, at which point I could hop on it. So I just walked, figuring I'd wait at the next stop. Little did I know that the next stop was far far away, and the bus passed me. To my delight, the driver was taking a break (to stay on schedule), so I managed to get on it either way. The driver was such a sweetheart. She was just chatting with everyone and it was just really nice, y'know? I snuck back in, and now I'm here. Feeling so incredibly sore, so incredibly tired (and I've got to be up at 8:45 because I'm going to RenFair tomorrow, ugh). Did I mention that goddamn I'm sore? I don't know what I'm going to do with that Jah Love boy, because...golly. I just can't go through that every time we want to have sex. And poor him, he had like a permanent hardon for a half hour, but I just couldn't give him head or anything. I was feeling very ill, I just couldn't do it. I'm going to need to buy a super big bottle of Astroglide. Pixie