Saturday, October 13, 2001

I'm Hot And Sweaty, Rar

God...I'm dripping with sweat and taking off my clothes. Screw long sleeves, there isn't a light on and I'll be moving around too much for my mom to notice (hopefully). My DDR addiction is back. I just did AfroNova, I was about 6 steps away from finishing! I got a B on Dynamite Rave. Let's have a moment of silence for these great accomplishments. Especially considering that I haven't played in sooo long. One of these days I'll take it public :) I'm just too nervous now. So, while I try to catch my breath before I get enough stamina to play another set, I'll write about my day. Nothing really happened until I decided to go with my mom to drop off my brother at the mall (oh, and I also found at that my brother will start going to my school in the begining of November. This is bad news, but, I guess it's the only option right now). My mom and I go to eat at TGI Fridays, and I got pasta (ooh, orgasm!), and we talked about stuff. Like, what I'm going to be when I grow up. My mom doesn't really want me to be a doctor. She doesn't want me doing residency or having to work in a hospital. She worked in a hospital for 17 years, she left it, and she doesn't want to see me in a hospital, period. So, we talked about other options. It's just...there's nothing I'm too passionate about. Well, there's dance, dance history, choreography, reading, teaching, writing, and art, and that's about it. Oh, and people. So...we came up with the best option for me would be to be a photogrpaher. My mom thinks that my personality varies from two extremes (on the one hand, very creative and whimsy, on the other hand very cold and analytical). She thinks I could actually be pretty damn good at it, which is a surprise because she doesn't really think I can be too good at anything. But there's that whole issue that I'm afraid of failing. I'm absolutely terrified of not succeeding at something. I had a bad swim meet, and I stopped swimming utterly and completely. Just stopped. I have a bad day of dance practice and I'm terrified of performing. Cross country. I was afraid that I'd do badly in a meet and push myself harder, but I knew that I would literally drop if I did, so I had to quit, because I knew I wouldn't do well and then I'd just push myself too hard.

So...it's hard to do that. To say okay I'll be a photographer, or at least try. But, as my mom put it, I can always fall back on med school (how strange does that sound?). So...that was interesting. That was basically it. I'm hoping for Indian food for dinner (my brother doesn't like Indian, so we never have it, but hopefully he'll be gone most of the night so we can have it. Ooh, he just called from his new cell phone (his friends are getting one for him and paying for like, three months for it, and then my parents are paying for three months as a birthday present). Wow, today was pretty boring.

Hopefully tomorrow I'll go to Ren Fair with Jah Love (oh, btw, Biscuit2 has now been dubbed Jah Love. I'm re-reading the Weetzie Bat books and at one part Weetzie is talking to Ping and her hubby about wanting to find her Secret Agent Lover Man, and they tell her that her Jah Love will come soon, and later on they talk to Witch Baby about finding *her* Jah Love, so, I figure it's a step I can take). He's all excited because today was his first time ever going, which is a surprise to me because he's into all that kind of stuff. And I've always just been okay with it and I've always gone with my aunt Joan or my mom. My first year I had too much strawberry ice cream and I threw it all up at the end of the day :( I also got my hair braided into a crown which was really neato (and my mom figured out how to do it when she undid my hair, so now she can, it looks very awesome, but it takes forever and involves lots of pulling and yanking and holding your head at odd angles). *sigh* the memories. And then I'll try to have Paco pick me up from there and we can go to the mall. Pixie
Quizbox

I had some free time, and found out a little bit about myself, and therfor you can find out a little bit about me, and then go find out about you. But one quick little rant. I got the new Just For Kix dance catalog, and it's all good, right? Well, there's a certain line that's got really cute dance/street clothes, so I decided to check out what size I'd wear, just in case. It's entirely impossible for me to ever buy anything from them! My chest wears a large, my waist a small, my hips don't even have a size. The left out a number, but it's in between a medium and a large, and my inseam is between x-small and small. How screwed up is that? Gah. So, anyways, I'm just putting up the results that were the most true. And surprisingly, they're really really true! Oh no! I'm a dumbass. I had all the results saved in notepad, but I guess last time I added to it I forgot to save it, so now I only have one quiz results. Ahh well, check 'em out anyway.

http://quizbox.com/personality/test82.htm
***Your view on yourself
Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener; they'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.
***The type of girl/boyfriend you are looking for.
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.
***Your readiness to commit to a relationship.
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
***The seriousness of your love.
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.
***Your views on education
Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.
***The right job for you.
You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.
***How do you view success?
You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.
***What are you most afraid of?
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.
***Who is your true self?
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart, rather than your head, needs to solve.

According to the spark I'm 51% pure (compared to a national average of 63% pure), I'm also 69% slutty (compared to a national average of 46% slutty) (oh, and 19 other women said that they'd choose Truman Capote as the best sex option of all time. How neato is that?)

I shouldn't have taken that nap today, damnit, I can't sleep. Ugh. Okay ya'll, on Tuesday I'm getting some stuff scanned. Two notebooks, pictures from my latest role of film, homecoming pictures, a few baby pictures, and I'll also add new poems and stuff to my website, so look for that. Okies? Okay. Glad we have an understanding. I want to add more stuff to my site...but I don't know what. If you've got any ideas on what I could add, or what you think I should add, sign 'em in my guestbook or e-mail me :)
Pixie

Friday, October 12, 2001

Fate Fucks Me Over

That's the main theme of today. But first, shall we talk about yesterday, which was actually pretty good? Well, I ran into Miss Pink today, and it turns out she lost her virginity the other day, so we decided to make it a Pink day. Days with Miss Pink are few and far between, but every now and then I need to take a vacation with her, because her world is so different from mine. Where you can bitch about not having enough room in your closet because it's stuffed with clothes, where you can get a guy to buy you anything, and your biggest problem is that your dad lowered your allowance by 20 bucks. Oooh. So...we made a day of it. We took Biscuit2 home, and then went to her friends house (to get the morning after pill), her friend never showed up so we just went to her house. That's when Eric, her honey, showed up. He was a shocker. He has an orbital, a labret, and his lobes are gauged to an 8. He likes punk music. He used to skate. You don't get anymore anti Miss Pink than that. Quite frankly, he's the kind of guy that I would like. So, it was very strange.

So yeah, I took a Miss Pink vacation. A Miss Pink vacation has three main components. The first is a car ride. First of all, ya'll need to know that I love driving in cars, that's how I know that I'll be an excellent driver. There is nothing better than the windows down, the radio up, speeding along a street. It's the greatest thing. Doesn't matter where we go, but we've got to go somewhere. And a few things to know about Miss Pink. She doesn't like going under 50 mph. Like, not ever. Unless we're in a school zone or stopping, usually we're going at least 50. She's also impatient and will weave in and out of traffic. The radio blasts, unless one of us wants to say something; then we'll turn it down for a few seconds, but it'll always go back to blasting. The second key component is the Bitch Factor. We've got to bitch to each other about something or someone. Usually it's her bitching, rarely it's me.The final factor is the Boys Go Out factor, in which case, we find boys, and go out.

For natural reasons, yesterday the boys were Biscuit2 and Eric, and we went to see Joy Ride. THe movie sucked. Bummer. But, not really. It's so nice being with Biscuit2 that it doesn't really matter what we do. Just holding his fand and feeling his body is totally good enough for me. *sigh* We dropped him off, and went home.

I fell asleep at 10:30, thank goddess. I woke up this morning without a problemo, and have decided that I *will* go to bed before 11 every night, even on weekends. Today was very strange. I hate my geometry teacher, first and foremost. PE isn't so bad because the weather is cooler. Girls who don't try to play the sport drive me crazy. I may not be so good at softball but at least I try my hardest, I really do. There's this girl in my PE class. She's your average popular teenager girl. Fairly attractive, runs with the 'popular' crowd. I don't have a problem with popular people, I actually get along with them pretty well, and I know that I could hang out with them if I wanted to. People would be surprised that I would, but it wouldn't bother anyone. So, I'm not just being anti-them. But I desperatly want to tell her that she's the ugliest person I've ever seen, and I think that's sad. If only to wipe that smirk off her face. But she's really a bitch, and she's really mean and rude. She entirely disregards all people, and that makes her ugly. I'm sure her whole life everyone has told her that she's so pretty, and I really want to tell her that she's ugly, because she is an ugly person. I won't, but I think about it and force myself to hold my tongue.

Today was also strange because, Biscuit2 pulled a personality switch with SuperEgo. You see, Biscuit2 is basically gothic. Today he was wearing a leather trenchcoat, a black mesh shirt with D-rings on it, black pants, black shoes. SuperEgo is a preppy jock. He's the kind that you are quite surprised to see in theater, because he's so normal. Today he was wearing a snug navy blue shirt, khakis, and beige shoes. They are the same size, so they switched clothes. SuperEgo was totally giving me a Matrix feel, lol. He just sorta looks the part, I'm not sure why. And he didn't look half bad, if his hair were a bit longer and a bit more messy he'd look quite comfortable. Biscuit2...well, every now and then he pulls a preppy day, but never *that* preppy! Wow. It was so strange. Bree and SuperEgo were hugging on stage, and Biscuit2 and I were in the wings. As I hugged him, I just had this strange thought that I was hugging SuperEgo. I actually said to myself, in my head, why am I hugging SuperEgo? Before I realized that it was just Biscuit2 in his clothes. So strange. Gave me the heebee jeebees, quite frankly.

I'm really happy now, gosh I swear I am. But, I live b eing terrified that it will be taken away from me. Biscuit2 wanted to have sex this morning, but I told him no, because, well, #1: I think that it might still hurt me, #2: I'm afraid he's going to leave me. I don't know what that has to do with sex, but it does. I talked to him, and he's really frustrated because he knows that he's not going to leave me. I believe that he loves me, I believe that he would never hurt me purposefully, I believe that he's happy and wants to be with me. But fate likes to fuck with me, it always has. I'm just so scared. He doesn't want his name to be Biscuit2 anymore, he wants to be My Secret Agent Lover Man. But I'm afraid to make it to that. Because if I start saying he's Msalm, then I'll start believing it, and then if anything happens then it'll just be hopeless. Because your Msalm is your *one and only* After you Msalm, there isn't anyone else for you, not really. Now, I realize that Msalm originally started by a high school girl, she was in high school when she met her Msalm, and I totally believe that that can happen, but...I'm just so unsure. I don't want to lose him. And it's driving me crazy.

My Latest Masterpiece
I'm in love with this guy,
His name is Trevor,
I haven't been with him long,
But I've wanted him forever.

When I'm in his arms,
The pain goes away,
Making it that much easier,
To live through the day.

His eyes are hazel,
With a fleck of red,
He's got some freckles,
Even likes peanut butter and bread.

He doesn't mind,
If I laugh during a kiss,
Run my hands over his body,
Or my fingers over his lips.

He will even hold me,
When I'm afraid of everything,
When I'm scared for no reason,
And my body is trembling.

Though he says he loves me too,
I find that hard to believe,
When I look into the mirror,
And see the fucked up girl that is me.

kiss kiss - Pixie

Thursday, October 11, 2001

Bitch!

Every time I start to trust blogger they fuck me over. So...as I said before (and I had this, becuase I make it all short and choppy and angry when it wasn't supposed to be at all). I feel like I'm in a little box, and if I scream or dance or write or sing that I'll get out, but I'm still trapped, so sorry for keeping on writing all the time (see? the first time I worded that it was much cooler sounding). So, I found this girl named Pixie Stick and her diary is alright, but her poetry is awesome, and she inspired me to write. I'm not going to explain either of the things I wrote, but if you know me then you know who and what I'm talking about:

Numero Uno
An abandoned parking lot,
The lights flick on too long after dark,
A single red truck,
Two males, wearing identical red shorts, lean against it.
You grab my waist, try to make me dance,
i giggle and push you away,
Hoping, longing, wishing for you to pull me closer.
You show me a few steps, and we start to swing.
The Swing King,
A sticker on the truck says.
The king pops in a CD<
We are all secretly relieved,
That he put too much damn money into that stereo,
But now we can dance,
We dance, we laugh, we flirt.
Your face: pure joy, happiness, love,
It starts to rain,
We lick the drops off of our faces,
The lights turn off,
The sun prepares to rise, the rain stops.
We lie on the wet grass,
In the predawn bliss,
Stroking our fingertips together,
The swing king and queen lie next to us,
She is asleep on his chest,
And we feel happiness,
For the first time in the dark space of our lives.

Numero Dos
How do I know I love you,
WHen I don't even love myself,
How can I be happy,
When I don't even know what happiness is,
How can I get better,
When I won't throw away my razors,
HOw can I not want scars,
When I still want the pain.
How can I trust you,
When everyone else has broken me,
How can I have no regrets,
When I regret every choice I've made,
How can I tell you all the right words,
When only the wrong ones come out,
How can I prove myself to you,
When my self is a lie,
how can I make up for my mistakes,
When you won't even talk to me,
How can I forgive you,
When I can't even answer your phone calls,
How can I stop crying,
When I won't stop smiling on the outside,
How can I stop bleeding,
When I keep picking at my scabs.
And how can I show you who I really am,
When I don't even know who that may be.

Blah blah. Bisuit2 picked me up and we saw the Elephant Man (play). Fairie Chick, Duck, Vivi, and Char were there. It was cool. We hung out afterwards with Jailbait Jason (he did tech stuff for it). Vivi, Char, Biscuit2 and I disapeared and I found out the latest gossip. Char, Jaimie, and Biscuit all hooked it up last weekend, while watching Road to Elderado *smirks* An hour after the play ended I came home.

Oh, and there is this guy whose name is biscuit (no relation to any biscuit I know), and in an interview, they asked him what tip he would give the world, and he said this:
Love. Love absolutely unconditionally. Love like your heart has never been broken before and never will be. Love someone beyond your own capacity of understanding. And always, always tell that person exactly how much you love, exactly every time you think it.
Love really is a simple thing. A lot of people don't understand that. (A lot of people also don't understand that 'a lot' is two words.) It's not as hard as everybody makes it out to be. But yeah, I think everybody, no matter who they are, deserves to experience an awesome love. Both being and doing. Love is most perfect thing in this entire universe.

How is it that easy to love like your heart has never been broken? How how? I'm sleepy, I'm going to bed. I got some Lifestyle's Large, I refuse to buy Magnums XL because they are made by trojan's, and trojans are more likely to break and are thicker. Uncool. I actually wanted to get Kimono Maxx's, but...it's Walmart, what can a girl expect? I've only seen Kimono's sold at Bread and Circus in Boston (a health food kind of store), and at stores that have "condom" in the name. I'm giving my other condoms to a certain Taiwanese friend of mine ;) Have fun, my friend. He hangs out with...a nerdy bunch. A nerdy, sheltered bunch with morals and stuff. We were joking that I should be like "HEY *****, HERE ARE THOSE CONDOMS SO YOU CAN BANG ***** WITH! SORRY THERE AREN'T MORE, I WAS HAVING A THREESOME LAST WEEKEND, AND WELL...YOU'VE HAD A THREESOME WITH ME BEFORE, YOU KNOW HOW THAT GOES". Ahh...if only we didn't have to see them the next day and we totally would. And all but one of them would pass out, so y'know ;)

Anything else? Oh yeah, I talked to Taiwanese Jason for the first time in a long time, he's been reading my blog, and wrote me some e-mails so y'know...we're not totally lost but y'know it's nice to talk to him. We talked about threesomes and group sex and poly and the like. You see, I'm totally pro polyamory, I think it's one of the greatest ideas of man. However...I could only have three kinds of model relationships. Model 1: I'm with a girl, and we only have guy partners, I'm with a guy, and I only have girl partners and he only has guy partners. See, that takes away any jealousy issues I might have. Model 2: an equal triad of any combos of sex. As in, the three of us are entirely monogamous between the three of us, and we only do things if both partners come with. Model 3: an uneven triad. Where I have a main partner, and I'm there main partner, but we share another partner.

I could easily be someone's side partner, I think I'd rather like the situation. But then again, seeing as I'm in a mon. relationship right now, and as most people my age don't even know what poly means, that won't happen for a while. I'm just sayin', y'know. *laughs* I'm so tired. Bleh. Pixie

Wednesday, October 10, 2001

I Am Not A Pretty Girl

Well...I'm staying home from school. Last night I had the most horrible nasea, yuck yuck. And this morning I just couldn't do it, I just couldn't get out of bed. So...I'm having a bout of "I don't want to go to school syndrom", as I'm sure my mom will tell her students about. Basically my mom does her damnest to show her kids that they don't have to grow up and have a life living in the ghetto, because my mom came basically from trailer trash, and she's moved up in the world. So...she tries to show her kids that they can do the same. She tells them about how we've gone to San Francisco, Washington DC, Boston, Oregon...how I go to Boston every summer for a few weeks and go to New York City to see shows on Broadway (most of her kids have never been outside of Vegas or LA). And then she likes to make it seem like my brother and I have the perfect life, which I'm okay with playing along with. So...the first time my brother and I suffer from "I don't want to go to school" syndrome, she tells her kids about it, and they are all kind of awed. I mean, imagine the concept, if you don't want to go to school one day, you don't have to. My mom's mom did it to her, and she's done it with us, and I'll probably do it with my kids. There are only two precautions. 1: keep your grades up, and 2: only miss the amount of days that you legally can, keep a few days stashed. When my mom was in high school she didn't come to class that much. Well...she couldn't miss anymore days or she'd lose credit, and then she got pnemonia. If you've ever had it or been around someone who has, you know it's not something you want to spend 6 hours at school with. And she had to go.

So, blah blah blah. Yesterday my family went out to Metro Pizza for my brother's birthday. We came home and two of my aunts, Gena and Chole were here. When we all got settled in Gena looked me up and down and said "oh...you stopped running, didn't you?" I answered in the affirmitive, to which she said "I can tell...you should have kept it up, you were losing so much weight!". I hate it when these aunts are around, because they're always making sly comments about my weight. So maybe I don't have the perfect body, shoot me. I've seen pictures of them when they were my age and they were FAT. I know I'm down on my body a lot, but sheesh, I don't need my family to help me out with that too, do I? No. As much as I bitch and moan, I know that I don't have a horrible body. It's just normal. I'm a short girl with hips, and that's kind of all there is to it. I am a bit overweight, yes, but whether or not I'm overfat is something that can be argued with, because I just haven't got that much fat on me.

I feel quite unpretty. It just seems like everywhere I look there are beautiful people that I wish I could be, but I'm not, and I never will be. For example, there's this chick here (http://entertainment.chickclick.com/articles/306658p1.html) and she's absolutely gorgeous. And I just feel icky about myself. I think my aunts realized that they were making me feel bad but then they went to my face, which is the only and only part of me that my mom is proud of (let's all remember when Danny was in town. The only thing she could say about me was that I've got a pretty face). I don't think I do. My eyes are too small...my nose is too long...I don't like my eyebrows. So...they all just sit there and talk about how I've got the cutest little nose and these model lips and I just want to scream at them "Why can't you tell me that I was the most talented synchro-er that you ever saw! Why can't you say I'm an awesome dancer? Why can't you say that I'm so dedicated to my mod podging? Why is it that the only good thing anyone can ever find about me is that I have a pretty face, which I don't even have!"

Biscuit2 called me from school second break. Apparently my geometry teacher called Brittany's parents and told them that Brittany had missed the last five classes. Well, there are two Brittany's in my class, me, Brittany, and Britni. And she sits two seats in front of me. Britni is absent a lot. Today will be my second absence. I checked the caller ID, and sure enough the school district did call at 10:03, but...it could have just been the automated "your son/daughter was absent today". If it was my geometry teacher, I'm going to be pissed because there is some kind of screw up about my abscenses.

I've been dousing my arm with pure Vitamen D oil stuff. My scabs are healing wonderfully, but I think that more of them are going to scar than previously thought. Like, I think 19 of them will scar. How long will I have to wear long sleeves? Fortunatly the weather is cooling down, so at least I have an excuse. In other news...well, there is no other news. Up top I've added links to Fairie Chick's blog, and Biscuit2's blog. It's a little funny because they've both adopted the nicknames that I've used. But...as a note, Biscuit2 calls Anthony Ugly Boy, and Fairie Chick calls Biscuit2 Crow. So, there's that. Oh, and this week I'll go down to my dance studio to sign up. One jazz class, one ballet class. I'm a bit nervous, it's been a while since I've danced. My feet aren't strong enough, my arches not as high as they used to be, my ankles not as flexible, my calves aren't up to par. We'll see how it goes. And I'll try not to think about anything for a long long time.

It was so weird, I had to print out like, 14 pages of my blog because I haven't written in my real journal in such a long time, and I feel like I'm reading about someone else's life, not mine. I feel like none of this could have happened to me, that it can't be true, that it's not me. I feel like an outsider, watching the rest of the players in my life through the glass. Pixie

Tuesday, October 09, 2001

Losing It

This was written on a piece of paper on Monday, Oct. 8.

I have just experienced the most painful thing yet in my young life. More painful than all the cuttings, and burnings, and hair pulling. Oh, and i'm not wearing any panties. How does that make sense? A gold star goes to those who guess correctly. Yes that's right kiddos, I lost my virginity. Well, this morning I hauled my lazy bum out of bed, and my dad was no where to be found, which made it all a billion times easier on me. I walked my happy bum to the bus stop, but it was no where to be found, so I bought some hashbrowns at Carl's Jr. (I only had two bucks on me, okay?)

So...the bus takes me to Biscuit2's and we're just hanging out and making out when we hear a yell. His mom. Gah. So...we sneak me out of the shouse, and Biscuit2 tells his mum that I got into a fight with my mum and I left...I called him from a payphone and can I come over? So, we walk around for a little while and I come back into the house.

So...we're laying down on his bed and fooling around and he gets up, goes to the closet, and gets two condoms from my wallet. The dork had gone throught my wallet earlier! He knew that he was going to get laid all day! So...one thing leads to another and after many "are you sure"'s, we're ready. It was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. It was so horrible. The worst part is knowing that it won't stop, there is nothing to do to prevent the pain, it's going to happen eventually. After a few switches of positions (to make it less painful), I was on top. And then his mom calls. He's off doing la-dee-da shit for her, and he comes back and we bust out the other condom and again I'm on top. And finally he gets all of his cock inside me (or rather, I hope that was all of it), and it's not excruciatingly painful, it's just really owwwie. The whole time I was crying from the pain, and it was even worse because I'm on top and I'm doing it to myself. Golly. Besides the pain and the tears I don't remember much, but I do remember saying "tell me you love me", and he did, and he made me open my eyes and look at him and kiss him. And we switched positions so that I was on bottom, he finished up, and that was it.

He called his friend Mike, and then Fairie Chick called and Biscuit2 was like "she's writhing in pain on the bed next to me,", and I talk to her. SHe was really worried because, as she said, I sounded awful, but I assured her I was okay. I was so happy that she called though, such great timing she has (she's an actress, what do you expect). It was just great to hear her voice, y'know? And that was pretty much it.

Don't think that he's an asshole, every time I cried out in pain he'd ask me if I was sure, did I want to stop, and assured me that it was okay if I did, ut I always told him to keep going because I wanted him to.

So, now I'm here. What do I think. I'm not quite sure. I can honestly say that I wasn't ready. I don't and won't regret it, but I wasn't ready. I had a dream last night, and like so many things I didn't realize the meaning until it was too late. In the dream Fairie Chick and I were at some dance school, and we put on two really old pairs of pointe shoes. We had a new teacher, it was her first day, and she chastised us for wearing such dead shoes and sent us down to get a new pair. She asked us how long we had been on pointe, and we realized that we could start pointework, even though we weren't ready and we knew we weren't, so we told her we'd only done a few classes of pointe.

See? We knew that we weren't ready, but we did it anyway. I think that somewhere I knew I wasn't 100% ready, but I did it anyway. But it's okay, because I'm okay. One thing I'm curious about is if/when I have kids, what am I going to tell them if they ask me about losing my virginity? Should I tell them the truth? I was just barely 15 and a half, with a guy who I had been in a relationship with only two weeks? Well, hopefully I'll give them my old journals and they can see for themselves. *sigh*

later that daySo the rest of today was really good. I played Biscuit2's guitar for a little bit, and then Fairie picked us up. We got to the bowling alley and they (Fairie, Anthony, Jessy, and Kristen) gave me my presents. Some anti-scar cream for "that unsightly scarring", somemedicine for "the paoin", some bandaids "for the blood", and finally a MISSING poster. It had baindaids on it, along with a picture of a cherry on it (with a bandaid on that too), saying things like "Hymen: last seen intact, reward. Call blah-blah-blah with information". It was hella funny, and then we bowled three games. My name started off as Cherry Pop, but ended up What Cherry. Biscuit2 ended up being "Cherry Picker". Funny stuff. I was so happy to see Jessy there. Although it was highly sexual. Like, she was biting on my neck and licking my hears and rubbing my back and all that stuff. And I'm just like ahh....We were holding hands and sitting on each other's laps and there was this group of preppy girls giving us these looks that said "ohmygod those are *real* lesbians!" You guys don't know this, but when I met Jessy my first interest in her was trying to get with her *shrugs* But I'm happy we're just friends now. So...it was really neato. But I think Kristen may have felt left out, just being the new one in the group, y'know? And I feel bad, but Fairie Chick, Jessy and I just have these bonds that'll never be broken.

It felt really weird being around Biscuit2. Just like, oh my gosh I just had sex with you. I don't know. In case you're wondering, I bowled horribly, well, it was okay for me, but horrible for a normal person. Fairie Chick and I stole some bowling shoes, whee. They're so sexy. We dropped of Jessy and went to Fairie Chick's house, where Anthony was picked up. We hung out there, I painted my toe nails baby blue, and then we went to Kristen's to watch Fear and Loathing.

I got dropped off 15 minutes late. Oh well. Quite frankly my dear, I'm beyond giving a damn.

Anything else? Uhh, I was being weird all day, which weirded out Biscuit2, but finally, lying on Kristen's couch I could just tell him that I love him and he makes me happy. And now I'm eager to have sex so that I can get to a point where it doesn't hurt! Which means a girl has got to go get some more condoms. Wow. It was so strange. As we drove down Trop I thought aloud about how I had just been on a bus earlier that morning. And Kristen was like, "That seems like such a long time ago, doesn't it?". And it really does. Pixie
And ohmygosh! I have the greatest idea ever known to man. If you didn't know, I haven't gotten Fairie Chick her birthday present (you'll hear more about the birthday festivities when I type out all I've written), mostly because I just haven't had the time and/or money. It's classic Pixie tradition. Sperm Girl and I never gave each other birthday presents on time. Paco and I don't either. Just how it goes, but usually the presents are superbly great.

Well, I can't tell you it all for obvious reasons (ie: Fairie Chick might read it, or some loudmouth might read it and let it slip), but I will tell you the main idea, because she'll know it too. It's the 16 days of Fairie Chick, because she's 16 years old. So...I've got to go accumulate the gifts first (it's just 16 gifts, but, many of each. Like, on the 12th day I might get her a dozen roses, but on the 13th day I'll get her 13 candy bars, see how it works?), and then I can start it. And it'll be superbly awesome. I already have what I'll get for her on each day set up. It's just getting it that its the problem. Some are things she'll like, some are things she'll love, some serve a purpose and others don't. But, it shall be fun :) I can't wait. Eep! Hopefully I can start it this Monday. I should be able to get the money by then, and trips to the various stores. Oh I'm so excited. I hope she likes it! Pixie
Poor Babe

I've been thinking about my friends lately, a lot, all the time, actually. Just because today was a day when friends were an issue. It's like...who do you tell that you had sex for the first time? Since a lot of people think it's a big important event. You don't want to tell someone who doesn't really care to know, but you don't want to not tell someone who will be insulted later that you didn't tell them. And it's made me realize that I have a lot of awesome friends. Also, because as of late a lot of people have noticed my cutting (most likely because it was on an easily-seen place), and just to see that that many people care.

It also made me think, because it's like, I had all those people that I wanted to tell/wanted to know about me having sex, so why did I feel that there were only a few people that I could call when I wanted to cut? I only tried to call Duck, Fairie Chick, and Biscuit2. Why didn't I call Kristen or Paco or Jessy or one of them? They'd understand too. So...yeah, I've been thinking about my friends a lot. Like, there's a girl named Jessica, she's Sperm Girl's new best friend, and it's so strange to look at her. Not that I'm angry or jealous of her, it's just weird to see who gets smacked with that glittery label next. The same way you curiously look at an old-flame's new flame. It's not that you harbor feelings for that old flame, it's just curious to see who they're with now. Not really who replaced you, but who is taking your place (I know that doesn't make sense, but it does to me). I wonder what Sperm Girl thought back when Jessy was my new best friend, just because she's so absolutely opposite of Sperm Girl, y'know?

And I'm worried about my Fairie Chick. I think there were new scars on her arm. I know, I know, that seems so hypocritical. You're saying, you know Pixie, you cut too. And I do, but it's just that...I don't want anyone else to have to feel the icky stuff that I feel, especially someone I love as much as Fairie Chick. On the one hand I'm like, you could tell her parents and try to get her help. But, I'm like, well, that's what ruined my friendship with Sperm Girl. Kinda. It was different though, because she did it because she wanted to hurt me, and she did, and I never forgave her. I know she'll get help if and when she wants to get help, so I think I'll just let it go and try to be there for her. Because I really do care about that girl, but I'm not going to be hypocritical and say "you go get help" while I'm still cutting. I guess my biggest worry for her is that she'll move away from coat hangers and it'll just get worse and worse. Look at me, I started with plastic picnic knives, and when those weren't enough I went to steak knives, and then to razor blades, and now it's mostly razor blades, pencil sharpener blades, and exacto knife blades. It used to be enough to just do one or two or three little lines, but once I started doing it on my hips I had to do it five at a time, and then 9 at a time, and then 11 at a time. Most recently it was 30 times. I worry that the same thing will happen to her, and that instead of just using coat hangers for minor scratches, she'll move on and up. *sigh* I do see the good sides of cutting. Half the time it deadens all the feelings and emotions and you don't have to deal with it, but the other half it makes it so that you can keep on going on with your life and living. My reason for cutting is constantly and ever changing, but I do remember at one point explaining it to someone about how it's like killing this part of you, this horribly angry evil ugly part of you, so that you can keep the good parts of you alive. You cut so that you can live. And I think that's what it's doing for her. I hope. I don't know. I just want to be there for her, so let's hope that she knows it. I'll try to talk to her tomorrow about it. We shall see...

I just think it really sucks that life is all about choosing the lesser of two evils. You can cut yourself or you can kill yourself, which one is the least bad choice? Cutting yourself, great that's what you'll do. You can be a druggir or an alchoholic, which is the least bad? And it seems like so many people go through life like that. Well...I've got to go do some hmwk stuff, today's my brother's birthday so tonight is off-limits to be on the comp (we're going out to eat), and I've got to clean my room. Pixie

Monday, October 08, 2001

I Did It *Gasp*

Okay, so my computer just fucked up and erased all I wrote. Basically, I said that I wasn't going to get into nitty gritty details because I wrote a lot about it, but I just don't have those pages with me. Summary of today:

*I had sex for the first time. It was the most painful thing I've ever experienced in my short life. I don't know measurments off the top of my head, but ya'll have heard me talk. The boy is mondo huge. It was painful. Very painful. I didn't bleed at all *does a little dance* But it hurt. The music playing was Linking Park, Marilyn Manson, and Limp Bizkit.
*He said he was just really worried about hurting me because my eyes were clenched shut, I was biting on my bottom lip, and crying the entire time. Fairie Chick called us like 5 minutes afterwards and was so worried about me. She kept going "are you sure you're okay sweetie peetie?". She said I just sounded so awful
*We all went bowling. Jessy was there, I miss that girl bunches, it was really great. I suck at bowling. My friends were kind enough to make a missing poster that said "Missing: hymen, last seen intact, reward for finder. Call blah-blah-blah with information", it had a little picture of a cherry with a bandaid over it. *grins* only my friends
*I was weird all day, because it was just so strange, but later at Kristen's house we were watching Fear and Loathing and I just felt so happy and in love I just had to tell Biscuit2.
*I think I was only like, 85% ready for it, but I don't regret it.
*As we drove down Trop, I thought aloud "wow, I was just going down this street this morning" and Kristen was like "it seems like such a long time ago, doesn't it?". And it really did.

xoxox,
Pixie
Becoming A Sex Kitten

Now, I may not be a sex kitten, but I know all the secrets to becoming one. But first, I made up my mind. I love Biscuit2, and I want to be wit him, therefor I'm going to be with him, no questions asked. I forget what he said, as I tend to be forgetting a lot lately, but he did ask me a question, about whether I wanted to be with him or something of that nature, and I just said yes. And I was so calm...and it was all okay. All the inner turmoil was gone, all the things I were afraid of disappeared. There has been a slight change of plans for tomorrow. Now, I'm going to take the bus down to his house in the monring, and we should get a few hours together before Fairie Chick picks us up to go bowling. On my half, I'm telling my dad that I'm going to walk to Fairie Chick's house, since he'll still be home when I leave, and he'll probably just want to take me, so I'll just tell him that I want to walk to clear my head. *crosses fingers* I hope he falls for it. And Biscuit2's mom will be gone, his brother is unimportant, but his stepdad will be getting home sometime, so we're hoping that he doesn't come while I'm there, and if he does we'll just act like I'm not there. *laughs* We'll see.

Now...I know that the thing on everyone's mind is whether or not we'll have sex. How do I know that? Because I've gotten a few e-mails about it! Okay, well, two, but that's more than I usually get (she scoffed). After spending a long weekend mostly being with myself (how is that possible, seeing as I've spent so much time with other people? Well, because I don't tell you guys about the half hour I spend lazing around in bed in the morning, feeling like a kitty cat. I don't mention the hours I spend snuggling with my teddy bear and a good book, the time I spend walking around in the back yard, squiggling my toes into the needs-to-be-cut grass, smelling the cool air (thank golly, the weather is cooling down!) with the sunshine on my shoulders. All this is me-time, which helps me think and decide), I've come to a few conclusions.

The first, and most important, is that I'm done with cutting. I know, I know, I say this a lot. I want it a lot, I talk about it a lot. But hey, if you think about it, the times I've sat down and really said that I'm going to stop, I quit for at least a few months. I don't need to cut because I can cope. I don't need the blood or the scars or the pain anymore. I'm just going to let all that go, like a balloon, because it needs to be let go.

The next is about sex. I've decided that I am ready for sex, or, more specifically, sex with Biscuit2, for whenever that happens to pop up. The inner turmoil hasn't been because I'm afraid of sex, afraid of having sex, or unsure of it, it's just nervousness. It's just me being nervous because it's something I've never done before. My fear of the person (aka: Biscuit2) wishing that I was someone else, or that I had a different body or a different something isn't gone. I'm still afraid. But I'm not terrified. It may be that easy to get a teenage guy into bed, but he's not going to be with you unless he wants to be with *you*. And I don't doubt that Biscuit2 absolutely entirely wants to be with me. I also know that he doesn't care if we don't have sex. Well, it's not that he doesn't care, but he honestly just wants me to make a decision that I won't regret. He doesn't want me to wake up one day and regret having sex (or doing anything else) with him. I also know that he wouldn't be crushed if we never had sex, because that's not all we're about.

So...am I going to have sex with him tomorrow? I've already made my choice. I'm 100% sure on my decision, and while it can be swayed by other factores, I'm pretty sure that the choice I've consiously made is what will happen tomorrow. What is that choice? I'm not going to say, because chances are he'll read this before I go over tomorrow. You guys will just have to wait and see :p

Next things next. Sex kitten. You should be one. Well, all you chicks at least, because I know that I can relate to you more with this. Guys, you're welcome to try out my night of sex-kitteness, but I can't garentee that it will work. Chicks, follow these rules and go to bed with a smile on your face, and then do it at least twice a month.

Step Number 1: The Bubble Bath
Okay okay, so some of you guys aren't down with the bubble bath. That's okay, you're taking one anyway. I haven't taken a bath probably since I broke my arm in fifth grade. It's really been that long, because I absolutely adore showers, they're the most flippin' awesome thing ever, and an insta-Prozac for me. But I took a bubble bath anyway. Make it smell yumiliscious (I chose Victoria's Secret Love Spell bubble bath, because I adore the scent, it's purple, and with a name like Love Spell it fit the mood of the night). Read some really sexy story to start off the mood. I chose Breakfast At Tiffany's by Truman Capote. Hey, each to her own, right? Holly Golightly is the ultimate fictional sex kitten, so let me enjoy her, okay? Okay.

Step Number 2: Getting Dressed
If you tiptoe to your bedroom wearing just a towel, it will make it seem much more fun. Trust me. Now, this is probably the most important part, what are you going to wear? Guys, here's a little secret into the chick psyche. You can't tell anything about a girl by what panties she wears when she knows someone else is going to be seeing them. You can, however, tell a lot about a girl by which panties she chooses not to wear. I chose a black mesh thong that has purple stitching and a little purple ruffle thing with a little purple bow. It's sexier than it sounds (can you tell purple is my sex color?) Then I put on my super sexy navy blue bra that no one is allowed to see me in but me (gurls, I know that you've got undergarments like this. Ones that have special memories and it would just taint it if another person saw you in them), and my blue lace camisole.

Step Number 3: The Sense
This is when you put all your senses to work. Light a candle or some insence (I lit a Red Hot Cinamon candle, yum), smooth on some lotion all over your body, put on your sex music (you know that one song that you love to have sex to, or you've always wanted to have sex to? Yeah, put that one on repeat), and eat some expensive chocolate (my personal recomendation is Godiva, but, I didn't have any tonight so I just sucked on some hard candy). Touch your toes, stretch out your body, crawl around, just *feel* Don't forget some perfume. My personal choice was Rush2 by Gucci. *growl*

Step Number 4: The Finale
Grab your favorite sex toy and have some good self-loving. Crawl under the covers, and go to sleep with a smile on your face.

Really, I think those are the four easy steps into making yourself into a sex kitten. *smirk* Pixie

Sunday, October 07, 2001

if he is happy and she is happy, why is there so much pain?

La dee da, lotsa stuff to talk about. So yesterday I get to the school at like, 4:30, with Fairie Chick, Biscuit2, Kristen, and other people. We start a game of truth or dare...theater tradition. Although we had some rules, nothing really sexual, nothing homosexual, no cameras or video recorders (because of the last truth or dare game, lol), blah blah blah. Well, basically, Fairie Chick licked a trash can, Kristen licked a toilet, Cupcake had to go down to these skater boys without any pants and ask if they had any shorts to borrow, this other guy had to put on Jude's thong, and covering himself with only a pizza box walk around (there was a mom around for that one, but apparently she was laughing her bum off). I had to go outside to different skate boys in just a bra and pants and find one of them who would have sex with me. Well, the speaker of the boys said that they'd all have sex with me, but none of them would come back with me into the theater, which was half of my mission. So Fairie Chick comes over, takes off her shirt and says "if you won't have sex with her, will you have sex with *us*?" and gives me a peck on the lips. They still wouldn't come back with us, so my dare was modified into getting one of them to put our shirts back on. They wouldn't do it (because they didn't want us to get dressed *rolls eyes*) So we gave up and left. It was so funny becasue Bree was walking towards us and we're like "hey" and she was like "oh no! i was just getting ready to take off *my* shirt and be like, well how about with the three of us!"

And...the final dare of the evening...Kristen had to give someone a lapdance. Nick volunteered himself, but Nick is really gooey and no one really likes him so she was like no no, because they have this major personality clash. So...she asks me if it's okay for her to give Biscuit2 a lapdance. I tell her okay. She runs off to find Jude to get tips because she's never given a lapdance before. So...Jude does a little demonstration. Kristen does it. It wouldn't have been so bad, but she was good. She took off his hat, she asked me if it was okay if she took off his shirt, I said sure so she did...and then it was over and I was just like, okay I'm climbing in my boyfriends lap now.

It's just..I don't know. I told her it was okay, and it totally was, but...I didn't expect to feel so jealous. It's just that she's so pretty and so sweet and has this cute little figure that I'm lacking and it's just...how can you not be jealous of her? I mean..I know that Biscuit2 tried to get with her in the begining, I know that he thinks she's pretty. And the kicker is that she's a really good friend of mine. Because guys don't leave me for girls, they *only* leave me for my best friends. So it was a little upsetting to me. After that the game was pretty much over because we had to get ready and stuff, and me and Biscuit2 went backstage and sorta talked. He was like, I wasn't even looking at her or touching her or anything. Well, let's think about that, why wouldn't he look at her? because he didn't want to piss me off. If it was some ugly rancid chick up there then there would be no worries and he wouldn't worry about making me mad, and I wouldn't care. So...it's just there. I don't know. It seems that every night around the same time I get all blach and just want to lie on the ground and not be touched. It's happened every single night, so maybe it was the timing, I don't know.

Then I went into the drama room and Ricardo was there with his guitar and playing some super sad song and it was just like...gah, I want it to rain. Blah blah blah, went on stage, did my thing. Usually I stay around for a while but I wasn't feeling it today, so I was just hanging around backstage. I go to see what's on stage and I find Mickey and Fairie Chick lacking...well, clothing. Along with Biscuit2. Why? Well, because there were like, four people on stage facing us, we were in an area the audience couldn't see. So I joined in, heehee.

But then Kristen and I had to go on stage for this one goofy little part, and I have a clear view of Fairie Chick. And she's doing all the porn star poses she can think of and I'm just like oh well. Then she dropped her pants! That was just too much, Kristen and I bust out laughing, trying so hard to hide it. Whew. So...Nic tells me that he has a plan, for when Fairie Chick goes on stage, since she made him lose charecter too. So after intermission Nic is standing there with his pants around his ankles, wearing tiger striped boxers, and it's just sooo funny because Nic is really like, unsexual. So we're distracting people on stage, waiting for Fairie Chick to come on, and she's milling around backstage, trying not to pay attention to us, waiting for her cue, when the teacher comes back there! Oy! Oy! Nic and I try to dissapear, and he's running around backstage with his pants around his ankles. She didn't see either of us, but she did catch Duck and Biscuit2. She has really strict rules about if you screw around on closing night you'll never be on stage again, because it's a habit with actors to improv their own stuff on closing night. It doesn't really matter to Duck, because he's moving to Oregon in 2 weeks, but Biscuit2...it's his last year, and now that will be his last play.

So...it was really uncool. Play ends, lots of applause, we give the teacher her gift, blah blah. I go and get dressed, and people are planning an unofficial after party bowling. This isn't too unusual, because Micheal and Bob go bowling like, every day, but we manage to round up a good amount of people, and off we go. Kristen is feeling like having a drink, and I am too, but we have no cash and we're under 21 so we figure we'll try to find someone to buy us them. So...we're walking through Sam's Town (a hotel/casino that has a bowling alley), Ricardo and Bob are playing guitar and y'know, we're being goofy and finally we get there and the only people there are Fairie Chick, Biscuit2, and Marshall. But soon Ely, Kristen, Cupcake, and JD's car comes, and there's like, 20 of us. Biscuit2 is really upset, and I'm really trying to get a drink. This guy is eyeing me, so I grab Charmaine and we make plans.

Basically, we'll somehow get them to buy us drinks by making out. Not even necessary. We're just sitting down, as we figure out how to approach the guys, when she leaves to get her water and guy#1, who later turns out to be Scoge, comes up to me. We start chatting, he asks me how old I am and I say I'm under 21 but wanting a drink, so I send him off to get a screwdriver and a strawberry daquirie (for Kristen), and his friend, guy#2 (Brady) comes over and we're all talking and it's all good, and Char and I are playing it off like we're girlfriends.

They turn out to be 24 and 25, and Scoge is a bit..well, wasted. Before he even came to the bowling alley he had had 12 beers, and I saw him down three drinks before he started talking to us. So he's laughing sooo hard when he finds out how old we are. He was like "do you even remember Reagan?" Nope, lol. So it was nice though, we started talking. Brady asks me about my arm, and we start talking about family. But...Biscuit2 is apparently quite pissed off (I asked him his permission), so I leave and Fairie Chick takes my place, and they buy her a drink. *laughs* Sorry you guys, but this is a new phenomenom to me. I've never gotten a guy to buy me a drink before, I've never even tried, but if I knew it was that easy.

So...I'm talking to Biscuit2 and it's just blah. He's blah about me, he's blah about theater, I already downed my screwdriver so I'm not as blah. So we dissapear and talk for a while. I told him that I needed to talk to him on Tuesday, because I've been feeling all weird lately, and I think by Tuesday I'll have it sorted out. So...we try to talk, but it's hard, because I don't know how I feel and I can't put it into words, y'know? I don't know...I don't really remember what we said, but I remember he was hugging me so tightly and I was like "you're hugging me as if you're afraid that if you let me go I'll never come back" and he said "that's because I am afraid to let you go". Midnight comes around, which is curfew in Vegas, and the lights go down and the music goes up and Kristen and I start dancing, since that's what we do, and I'm dancing with people but Biscuit2 is not down with that so he's like, dancing with me but not really because a: he doesn't like to dance and b: he doesn't know how to. And I'm just like, if you're not going to dance with me babe then let me dance with someone else! But he finally got into it a bit.

And then Kristen was trying to dance with Cupcake and he's like "fine, if we're going to dance then we're *really* going to dance" and they get their groove on. Not trashy freak-dancing, just fun dancing. And Cupcake can dance! Kristen was all excited because she loves to dance and it's so hard to find a guy who can dance too. For example, I'll give you a little excerpt from Violet and Claire, a book by a wonderful author, Francesca Lia Block.A little background for this passage, it's from Violet's point of view, she's backstage at a rock concert with sexy man Flint Cassidy, and her best friend Claire (aka: tinker bell) is there.*ahem*

Moments later we were dancing wildly together. There is nothing so good almost as dancing with a great girl dancer. It seems so much more natural than dancing with some stiff guy who won't look you in the eye. If he's shy he'll watch the walls and if he's an asshole he'll ogle your tits, but a great girlfriend dancer will look at you with the knowledge that between you, you are weaving a magic circle where music and beauty live. She will not be afraid of any expression of power. She will say to you with her eyes, "this is our spell we are casting." That is what Claire and I did. Cool as I try to remain, whenI hear a great song, I just go ballistic. I'm jumping off the ground and shaking orgasmically. It was great.

So finally we're just dancing and it's great, but it's time to go but we don't want to go (me and Kristen and to some extent Fairie Chick, although she's not much of a dancer if she's not in the mood, and her back was hurting) because there's a great song on so we're like okay okay, dance for a few more seconds and run off. Then she decides to get this guy, Tyler's, number. So we run back, memorize the number, and run back, but Biscuit2 wants a real good-bye, but the elevator is open, so I give him a quick kiss and run off.

Dropped off Fairie Chick and went to Kristen's. Hunted down some food, ate some yummy pasta (yum yum yum!) And the phone rings. It's Biscuit2. He was dicking around on Marshall's car (*on* the car, quite literally), Marshall floored it, he went whoosh. He was hurting. He was crying. But it wasn't just his car, it was us. So...I talked to him. I don't really know what to tell you guys about the conversation. It's just like...he's terrified of losing me, but there is that chance there, because I don't know how I feel. It's been a long long time since I've been in a real relationship. Duck and Biscuit don't really count. Before them was CJ, who left me for Sperm Girl. Before CJ was Brian Q, who left me for Poodle Girl, before Brian Q was Nick, who had this long sad drama with Sperm Girl, but he ended up moving away anyway. And before Nick, my last serious relationship was in 7th grade with Brian F. *sigh for Brian* That kiddo was such a sweetheart. I don't have any classes with him this year, though. So it's all really weird and new. And then you throw in all that sex stuff. It's just like...I don't know. I don't know how I feel about being so in love with someone that they can get an innocent lapdance (what the hell kind of oxymoron is that?) that I go absolutely insane. I don't know how I feel about someone being so in love with me that I can't kiss a girl, that I can't get a guy to buy me a drink, that I can't stand within 10 feet of Ricardo without my boyfriend coming all over me to remind Ricardo that I'm taken (not that he likes me anyway, but...Biscuit2 still does it). I don't know if I can put all of me into this relationship. There's that whole cutting thing, and I know it's really hard. It's really hard on my friends, it's really hard on me, and it's really hard on whoever I'm in a relationship with, and it's not fair to that person. It's not as easy as just stopping, y'know, there's all this stuff that comes as a part of it. It's not like, okay I want to cut but I'm going to sit here and think rationally because I know in the end it will hurt me more, so I'm not going to do it. Before you cut you're just thinking that there is all this pain and all this hurt and suffering and unhappiness and anger and you feel like you're going to explode or you're going to go crazy or you don't know, because it's all just too much. And you know that the one way to make it instantly feel better is to cut yourself. And so you do, and you wipe up all the blood and hide all the evidence, and you go to sleep and you're just fine until someone or something reminds you that it's *not okay* to do that to yourself. And then...all this stuff. So...that was what the conversation was really about, I guess.

Kristen and I fell asleep while watching What Dreams May Come (I've never seen it, and we were both in the mood for something sad and sappy), and crawled our way to her room, into her bed. I'm so in love with her house and her family and her everything. How do you get anymore cookie cutter? She's so cute when she sleeps, *laughs* In the morning we woke up and played with her dog, and ate breakfast (waffles) and played with her little brothers, Mathew and David, and we got dressed (I borrowed a pair of her sister's pants, since Kristen is smaller than I am. As I said, she's got the cute little figure that I lack, and she insists she's got a beer belly, lol). So...we're all ready to go and I'm looking like Dolly Parton (just a combo of the shirt I borrowed and the bra I was wearing) and I call my parents to tell them the new plans (the circus, and then the church thingy), but they were not down with that. We started attacks on Afghanistan, they wanted me home with them. Blah. Kristen's dad was not happy and I was feeling super badly, but there wasn't anything I could really do about it. *sigh* So...I came home, and here I am, and in a minute I'm going to call my sweetie. Pixie