Saturday, October 06, 2001

You Love The Way I Look At You

I'm just listening to Linkin Park...eating some oatmeal...chillin' with the homies in da crib, yo. Oh wait, wrong blog *grin* So my sweetie pies, I hope ya'll are good. Remember to clix me! (see, every Thursday the clix list resets, which means even if you clixed me last week it won't count for this week. A bummer I know, but it feeds my ego). Oh...let's see what's happened these last few days.

Thursday was opening night, an almost full house, everyone forgot a lot of lines, no surprise. There was a fiasco with Fairie Chick. You see, her costume hadn't been ready yet, so it was the first night. It is hideous. Well, not hideous, it's actually sorta cute, but not for a prostitute! "The day I feel sexy in this costume is the day the devil congradulates himself on doing something good" Well...she was feeling really shitty about it, and then Biscuit2 made a face or something and she just breaks down and starts crying entirely. The teacher finds out, and she comes over to console Fairie Chick, and basically the entire thing was talking shit about Biscuit2. It makes me feel quite blah to have to hear all that shit about my boyfriend. Oh, and earlier in the day she had said that he was on the verge of never being cast again, because of this long stupid thing about theater rules. So...yeah, she got really upset and the teacher was in there for about 20 minutes insulting Biscuit2 in every way she could think of, and in the end Fairie Chick goes on stage and it's all good. Then, after the show in the drama room there was a marital disagreement, not sure about what but it was really heated with lots of yelling. I guess the couple is engaged and live together and it was just blah, and we're all trying to calm them down and finally it's just like, take it outside you two. So they do, and I guess that Biscuit2 was out there, not sure what he was doing, but the teacher goes over and is like, blah blah I don't want this in my theater, it's not happening anymore blah blah. And then she goes off on Biscuit2. I'm not sure exactly what she said, but I do know that when I came across him, Fairie Chick was holding him and he was absolutely crying. So...it's all just really icky.

Yesterday, on the breaks Biscuit2 and I hung out in the library since the drama room is now entirely off limits. Went to classes, blah blah. English is fun because Fairie Chick and Jessy are in there with me, and we work in the same group. Today we were all walking around holding hands, and we all looked flippin sexy wearing black from head to toe, and it was just really really nice. I'm glad that we can still just walk around holding hands and stuff. After school was a Company Players meeting, which was actually pretty fun. Then Biscuit2 and I went to his house because he didn't feel like staying around for the planned truth or dare game (which is now scheduled for today. We got a call at his house asking us when we would be coming back, because apparently they're incapable of playing without my sweetie, lol). So...we're just hanging out in his room and I'm reading this book of monologues, and as per usual, one thing leads to another.

So...in the end he's just wearing boxers and I'm still fully clothed (wearing my fuck-me boots. Yummy), and I'm just straddling him and basically dry fucking him, and he's begging me to let him fuck me (bad boy, he didn't have any condoms. He knew I was coming over, lol), or to give him head, but you know...I wasn't really in the mood. And this lasted for, I don't know, 2 hours? The last half hour was basically him just trying to hold me back and saying "I swear to god I'm going to cum in a second". He didn't cum ;) It's all about self-control, baby. So...yeah I went on a bit of a power trip, but isn't a girl entitled to them once in a while? "my hair looks like I just got laid, my clothes look like I just got laid, I look like I just got laid, but you know what? I didn't!" We watched some of his porn. The worst porn I've ever seen in my life. It's jack crap. Gah. People need to be pickier about their porn and go buy some decent ones. Sheesh.

We went back to school and got ready. Kristen started to cry (I was braiding my hair, my sleeves were falling down, my arms were out in the open). Oh yeah, today was like, the day for everyone to see my arms. Nic saw them, as did Mathew and Marshall, and Kristen, and Bekah, and Josh, and Josh (yes, both Josh's), and well...basically everyone. Josh was the sweetest about it, he didn't actually mention them, but he sorta glanced down, and I saw him do it and see my arm, and then he was just like "you okay?" and I'm like yeah yeah I'll be fine and he's just like "okay, I'm always here for you". And then Charmane came and touched his balls and he got distracted (not...*actual* balls, his maracas that are on a belt around his waist so he can make some noise when he shakes his bum).

The play went really well. Paco was there. The audience was great, they were laughing at all the right spots. Yay. My brother's CD player is still unfound. Gah. It really ticks me off that I'll have to pay him. I mean, I understand why, but...It's just...I don't want to. And it's my fault, but I still don't want to. I bit on Charmane's neck some more (well, on Thursday Biscuit2 was driving her crazy by touching her neck, and I don't know how it came up, but in the end I was biting on her neck. So...today, her boyfriend is there and she's like "oh thanks for the other night" and her boyfriend is like "wha...?" And we explain the whole neck-biting thing and he's like "how come I always miss these kinds of things!" So...I bit her neck again, lol).

I've got a bruise on my boob, and three bite/suck marks on my neck. gah. Ohh...last night after the show Biscuit2 just comes up to me out of no where and starts saying how much he loves me and totally kissing me and I'm sorta freaking out because he's never like this, and most often when someone says that they love me so profusely it's because they just did something that'll hurt me. And I told him I loved him and he was like "are you sure?" and I'm like, of course I'm sure, but he's like "well you asked me who I was thinking about!" (the other day I was straddling him and then I asked him who he was thinking about. You guys know me and know my fears, so I don't think I need to explain my reasoning for that question). And I'm just like, honey, what's up with you? And he said that he just loved me and loved to kiss me and was that a bad thing? Very strange. Anything else happen? Ohh...last night I had the *strangest* dreams. I don't remember the whole thing, but I was in NYC, performing (dance), and then there were these terrorists so I jumped into the ocean right as the bomb went off, and I lived. But it was so sad. And then I lost my brother's CD player at my mom's school, so I spent a long time looking for that and yelling at her kids. And so finally at one point I'm just sitting on the roof of a tall building, looking at the ocean, and all these little kids (like, toddlers) are begging their parents to come see me. So, they'd come over and give me a hug and a kiss, and their parents would just be beaming, sooo happy. I didn't get it. And then I was in the boy's dressing room at school, and I was laying down next to Biscuit (not Biscuit2, but Biscuit). I got up to go on stage, but it wasn't time yet, so I went back to him, and he patted his lap and told me to lay there, so I was lying there with my head in his lap and he was petting me, it was very strange. Pixie

Thursday, October 04, 2001

Long Sleeves

Guess who is wearing them? Me. Guess why? To cover up some bad things. Things I shouldn't have done. Are you surpised? I'm not. Go figure, pixie cut herself. I mean, really, seriously, consider recent events. Consider the past month, I knew it would be icky. I knew that I wanted to start cutting again. But...there's a catch. I ran out of room on my right hip. Yup, there's just no way for me to comfortably cut myself there anymore. So I got angry, and I got mad at myself for going through the trouble of hiding it. Do I hide my cuts for my benefits? No. I hide them so other people don't have to see them, so my parents don't have to see them, so other people don't feel uncomfortable around me. I never let myself cut on my wrist. I cut myself once on my wrist last May 19th, it was the last time I did it before I went into a while of recovery. It had been over a year before that since I cut on my fore-arm. I never let myself do that. Not ever. Not for a long long time. But I did it today.

All sharp objects I could find were dull, even my razors, used only for this purpose. I've never gotten an actual razor blade dull before, usually I just throw them away or convince myself that I'm recovered before that can happen. First time for everything, I suppose. So, don't worry, probably only two of the cuts have a chance of scarring, because my razors were just so dull that it was too painful to go too deep. I only did it 9 times, but it looks pretty grusome. I wasn't going to cut myself. I called Duck, but no one answered, I called Fairie Chick, but no one answered, I called Biscuit2 and woke him up. We talked for a few seconds (he was very disoriented), and then I told him to go back to bed. I'm almost angry. At Duck and Fairie Chick for not picking up their phones. I have to wonder if they're off cutting themselves somewhere. Duck has gone through a lot of self-harming stuff, most notably his druggie period. I know he's having some problems right now, although we didn't get a chance to talk about them. So maybe he's off cutting himself as I type. And Fairie Chick was never a cutter. She was one of the two friends I had who didn't cut herself, but she's been hacking up her legs with a hanger. Maybe she was off doing that. I try to tell her not to do it, Duck and I talked to her about it (Duck and I are past the "hey we're cutters" phase, in and out of recovery phases, now we just try to curb our habits, but know that we break down sometimes and get really bad, but we know how to analyze ourselves and we know when it's coming. We've been doing it for too long to stop, I think). We explained to her what it's like. The way you wake up one morning and count your scars out of curiousity and you keep losing count because they're so numerous, and you realize that you don't remember anything, and you haven't felt anything for a long long time, and then it's too late to get better. But she's not listening. Fine, she can fuck up her life. I have disgust for those people. Who have people there to help them, who have people there who know better. She's only using hangers now, but soon that won't be enough, the cuts not deep enough, the blood not thick enough. I almost want to have her count up my scars, and ask her if she wants this horribly scarred bloody body, but I don't think it'll make a difference. (speaking of which, quick count says that I've got 70 scars, including the cuts from today, plus "worthless" and "hate". It's hard to count up letters).

And I almost want to be angry at Biscuit2, for not hearing me cry, for not understanidng that I needed to be on the phone, but that's unfair. I can't expect him to know these things unless I tell him, and I refuse to tell him, because he's had to go through enough shit just for being my boi. This is all on me, it's all me, and he's not going to make it better or worse. Talking to him will stop me from doing it sometimes, but I can't count on him and it wouldn't be fair to. Just because he happened to be home and wanting to talk some days that I needed to be on the phone to stop me doesn't mean he'll always be there, and I don't want him to be. I'm not taking a shower tonight. I don't care. I'm gross and dirty and hairy, but I don't think I'll be getting any tomorrow. And even if I was going to, I'm just not in the mood. I can't. I don't want anyone to touch me right now. Pixie

Wednesday, October 03, 2001

Oh, and P fucking S, my brother is asking for his portable CD player. What he doesn't know is that I lost it/it was stolen (not sure which, the latter wouldn't be a surprise). So...that sucks, because the money I've been saving for a corset from Victoria's Secret (a real live one with the real laces and stell boning *orgasm*) will have to be used to pay him back. Gah. Grrr. Fuck me up my ass because I'm not a happy pixie.
Anger

That's how I feel right now. Just simply angry. My head is about to burst and I'm absolutely going nutso. I want to cut myself, just out of anger. My parents came to the show tonight. I'm so angry. I'm about to kill someone. Let me explain a little bit of history. I had 5 years of synchro, 3 years of swim team, 3 years of dance team, and my parents *never* came to my shows, my competitions, unless they had to give me a ride. If it was my mom, she would bitch and moan. I could have done this, I should have done that, why didn't that happen? And I was just so sick of it and I hated it so much, that I worked so hard for these things that were so important to me and my parents didn't care, that one day I had a breakdown.

My second to last performance for dance troupe, I had a break down. I came home from school, with Crystal, and she was getting ready, and I just went to sleep. And when I was supposed to be doing my makeup, I just took my hair out of curlers, and it didn't curl, and I broke down and I refused to perform. My mom told Crystal to get me the things I needed, and I was so angry at her that she did, and my mom marched me to the stage and made me talk to my choreographer. I was just crying and angry, and they basically told me that I couldn't back out. If I had told them six hours earlier there could be something done about it, but I couldn't quit now. I just cried and cried and refused to do it and they basically did everything short of smacking me upside my head, and I didn't have a choice.

And finally I told my mom why I was so angry. I was sick of busting my ass off to have them not care, bitch and moan, and not even be proud of me. Not even give a damn. And I got ready to perform, and I did, and it was the best damn performance that I ever had. The best. Because finally I had stopped dancing for my stupid parents as a way to make them happy, and I started doing it just for me. And my mom came backstage crying, asking me why didn't I think she was proud of me? But you know what, I didn't have a reason to. She went to everyone of my brother's swim meets, and she made me come too, and even to his *practices*, and she would tell him how proud she was of him. And they never did a damn thing for me, except make everything hard on me. So many times they forgot to pick me up after a dress rehersal, at 10 o'clock at night, and my directors would have to stay with me as we waited for my parents. And how many times did they say that they would pick me up after practice, and they didn't? And I had to walk home two miles, after a two hour practice. And they would bitch and complain about everything I did.

And after that I told them they could never come to a performance again, they weren't allowed to see me dance again because I couldn't deal with their shit. I just couldn't. I can't handle it. And they haven't...one of the reasons I didn't do Fall Concert was because I didn't want the confrontation of them wanting to see me, I make sure not to tell them about parent's night at my dance studio, because I don't want to have to bring it up again. But they came tonight, both of them. They brought me flowers.

The one show, the one thing that I've ever done that I didn't give a damn about, and they bring me flowers for the first time. It infuriates me. I started to laugh when I saw them, they asked me what was funny, I said "this was the one thing that I didn't even care about and I had the most insignificant role I've ever had, and it's the one time you bring me flowers". And they just sorta looked at me and said maybe it didn't matter to me, but it did to them. That makes me so angry. I can't even say how pissed off I am. I didn't even care a little bit, not even a teeny bit about this stupid goddamn play, and they gave a damn about it? I just want to say how dare they? I mean, I worked so hard for so many things, busting my ass, just to get anywhere in what I was doing, I've gotten first places and I've won meets and I've gotten dance parts that I shouldn't have gotten because I just worked so hard for it. And they didn't care about those, but they cared about this.

Gah. Blah! I just can't even think of words to say how pissed off I am. It's just so...I don't know, I don't know if you can understand this. Maybe I sound crazy. Duck told me that maybe they're trying to make ammends. I don't give a damn if they are, I'm so sick of them and through with my parents. I'm crying right now, and my mom just asked me why I was crying. I told her because I had sneezed. She nodded. How many hours and how many nights have I spent crying in front of this goddamn computer? And she never asked. How many days have I come home crying, so upset I would just sleep for 15 hours straight, waking up with migrains and stomachaches, and no one said anything. Of course, just yesterday on the phone she asked me if I was okay.

Well...I'm sick and tired of it. I don't care anymore. I'm just done with it all. I'm tired of the fake relationship I had with my dad where he "wouldn't lose any sleep" if I killed myself, where he wouldn't accept a child that I adopted or that I had with another chick. I'm done with my mom who I don't trust to hold 5 bucks. I'm sick and done with them. It's too fucking late, and I'm sorry to say that but it's true. There is nothing that they can offer me that's worth being okay with them. Gah, she just came over and made me take off her bracelet and she read part of the screen. *sigh* typical.

So...the rest of my day. After school I stayed, and wrote the first post of the day, then Kristen, Biscuit2 and I went into the theater. Kristen adiosed, and we heard voices so we went up to the light booth. Then we saw the lights from open doors and someone calling out "who's in there?" Thankfully, it was just Leon. Biscuit2 went down and explained that he was just taking a nap in the light booth, and came back up. Eventually Kristen showed up and talked to Leon and let my name slip out, oops, but Biscuit2 insisted that I wasn't there. Kristen came up and we kept her quiet.

She took me to the soccer field to find this cute guy she liked. Biscuit2 was not down with that. I wouldn't have gone but...I was just feeling so blah from anticipation of the coming night that I just let her drag me out. We just talked. When we got back up Biscuit2 called his mom so we could go home, but Kristen didn't end up coming home with us. So...we ran errands with his mom, and then we went home. And we were alone, in his room, and we were making out, and I was straddling him, and he was wanting to fuck me, and I was wanting to fuck him, and it was really just a bummer that we couldn't. When he was like hey, we can go in the bathroom and you can give me head.

So we go in the bathroom, but then his brother wants to brush his teeth. Oy. So...we go back into the room and wait. We've got 10 minutes till we have to leave, but we give it a shot anyway. Right before (well, I'm assuming it was right before he would have cum) he came, his mom calls out that it's time to go. Damn, our plan was foiled again. And away we went. The girl's dressing room was quite the scene. It's quite funny the way some of the girls send the boys out whenever they're getting dressed. Fairie Chick and I just had to laugh. In my three years of costume changes, hair changes, and make-up changes, I've never had a dressing room, not ever, and neither did the other dancers on my team. You changed on the side of the stage. There wasn't a part for boys and a part for girls, you just went wherever you could find floorspace and got dressed. Who gives a damn if the guys see you? And chances are they're so worried about their costumes that they won't notice anyway. I mean, it's just how it goes. If a guy is standing idle he'll be helping you get dressed and undressed (and not in a sexual way!) And the shocking part? The girls were *never* allowed to wear bras and *never* allowed to wear panties. Not ever. So...you were always butt naked underneath your tights, and that was just how it went. So...it's amusing, really.

Blah blah. Sorry I'm so blah. I was being blah with Biscuit2 during the show. He'd try to smooch me and I wasn't really into it. I'm just so gaaahhhh about my parents. They really drive me nutso, and I'm really really angry with them right now. Pixie
In Case You're Going to Smoke Mexican Agriculture

That was my chem's teacher explanation this morning when we asked him why we had to sign out every time we left the classroom. Sheesh. He's hella funny. I guess one year for his own amusement he told his kids that on the final exam they could use all the notes they wanted. Catch #1: they had to be written on the student's body. Catch #2: they had to be covered. As in, if you wanted to write notes on your arms you had to be wearing long sleeves. Kids even came to school with notes on their neck for the person behind them. Apparently moms were angry and pissed off, dad's were amused, and the notes didn't help them anyway. Yeah, he's one of those wacko teachers.

Today...was...well...uninteresting. Nothing happened. Right now I'm in my school's library, with Biscuit2 on my left, and Adam and Kristen on my right, and we're being bored. I wish I had some funny cute thing to say, but I don't. *sigh* The pamie.com spirit has left me. (I miss you Pamie!) We were going to hang out in the theater until we had to be here for parent's night performance, however...the teacher kicked us out, surprise surprise. I feel so blah. So let's talk about books, because books make me happy.

Yes, I'm a geek. Because html makes me happy too and I'd work on that but the school's filtering program is uncool and not letting me. So, anyways, new favorite author. She's hella good and hella funny and I'm hella in love with her charecters. I love and hate that in a book. It's like, you just wish you could call them up on the phone to talk to them, see what's going on in their lives and ask them for advice, and that's how a good book's characters should be. But...then, when the book ends you're so sad because you have to come back to reality and realize that they're just figments of someone's imagination. You're just left hoping that maybe they were based on real people, and that there are real people out there like that. Farie Chick agrees with this about this concept. We both cried when Violet and Claire was finished, because we didn't want their story to be over. So...this new author, her name is Anne Lamott, and I'm reading the book called Rosie. I also have Crooked Little Heart. Rosie is this chick, Elizabeth's, daughter, and she's quite the character. Favorite line of hers so far: Elizabeth's boyfriend is over and Elizabeth's putting Rosie to bed. As she leaves the room Rosie says: "Miss Mother, are you going to fuck him in the butt?" This girl is like, 8 years old, and she makes me laugh so hard (giving me weird looks in Chemistry) because it's just so...I don't know, I can see there being an 8 year old girl that would say that. Of course she'd be unusual, but she'd still be out there.

I miss Boston. Blah. Today I was going through my backpack looking for a red pen and I found a small piece of paper, torn from sheet music (because that's basically the only paper my uncle had) and it was just directions. I think they were to go to the Jeanette Neil Dance Studio (moment of silence), and it was just seeing his handwriting, and the sheet music, and thinking of all those nights and all those days and all those mornings and it made me sad. Because...well, just so much of my life has happened there - well, the happy parts of my life anyway - and I just want to be there all the time. *sigh* I want to go next door and talk to Jeff about Buddhism, I want to go shopping with Rie and blow 30 bucks buying Godiva chocolates, I want to be dragged along to Ariel's house to drink chocolate milk and moan about climbing up 7 flights of stairs just to write music for a movie that they hated (lesbians, blood, and documentary should never be on the back of a movie box) for a director that drove them crazy. And all that stuff. All the college kids and Japanese girls and the great weather and the River (still don't know the name of it), and *sigh* Just everything. So blah blah blah. I'm done now. I hate reading shit like this on other people's journals and I hate writing it, but there's nothing else to say. Pixie

lupine0earth@aol.com silverwolf.5u.com

Tuesday, October 02, 2001

Too Tired For A Catchy Title

Sorry, just not into it. First things first, clix me please! I'm in the top 75....so close, and yet so far. I just want a billion people to find me terribly interesting and feed into my ego. So now I'm going to once again plug another blog. http://thecrow.blogspot.com To read about me from my Biscuit2's point of view. Well...today, I woke up late late late (thanks to certain people that spawned me). I'm not a happy girl because this morning was supposed to be the day I got eaten out. Second day in a row that I missed out. But in world history we went to see the play, so I found my Biscuit2 and we hung out in the classroom. I played paper ball, and just hung out. Then we went into the abbey for some fun, and he tried to persuade me to ditch math class and just hang out with him in the light booth. A few bites on my neck, and I agreed.

So...we're up in there, hanging out, and finally he takes off my pants and shoes and ate me out. Well, for once I didn't care about my scars (I don't think he noticed *whew*), or my ugly naked legs, or any of those things. Because it was just yummy, absolutely yummy. It was hard for me to keep quiet, though, and I was pulling out my own hair. God it's undescribable. And then he was fingering me too. I'm not one who goes sooo crazy off of being fingered, but gosh, wow. It was really really good :) Afterwards I was just sitting on the floor, holding my knees to my chest, and then I just crawled into his lap. Just wnating to be held, wanting to be touching him.

And then for like, 10 minutes, I sat their straddling his lap, contemplating giving him head. I just felt so nervous I don't know why. In the end, I didn't, and he left to see if he needed to go on stage. Someone came into the light booth and camenear me, and called out my name. I pretended to be asleep. But it was just Kicky,a nd she was just telling me that Biscuit2 indeed have to go on stage. -insert first heart attack here- So, I went down into the classroom and played paper ball. Break came, and I got some breadsticks. Jessy and Drew were roped together by two nooses. A teacher came by and just stared, and then said that he hoped it was for a scene (we were standing outside of the theater room). We snickered and Jessy and I mouthed "bdsm scene" to each other. I met this girl named Bree, who knows my brother. Not the beatufiul Bree, just a Bree. She was like "hey, you're Adrian's sister". Let me roll my eyes, I hate getting that shit. But I knew who she was because one day I was telling my brother about beautiful Bree, and he was just like "I don't think she's that pretty". I was a bit flabbergasted, but...y'know, we were talking about two different girls, so it makes sense now. I get nervous around people that know my brother. Gah.

Last clas i was looking for shoes and stuff. Fairie Chick talked to me about having sex. SHe doesn't have a problem with me having sex, or with it being with Biscuit2, or with it happening any time soon, she just doesn't want me to regret it and make the same mistakes she did. Sounds a bit hypocritical, right? Well, she'll admit it, and that makes it more okay. "I know it's hypocrticical, but sweetie-peetie, I don't want you to go through what I did," So we tlaked about that for a while. More paper ball. THe last scene was apparently so funny (with Josh being a crazy man, and Adam's wig falling off) that Biscuit2 fell over from laughing, right onto his sword, so hard that he had a gash on his side :(

After school we went to the light booth and I gave him head and he came and he came. I didn't even notice! I swallowed it and just didn't notice until he told me. Surprise surprise. He just layed back in his chair for a few minutes and pulled me up into his lap "just to be near me". Doesn't that seem familiar? Well, it's exactly what I did earlier that morning. So...we just sat together and talked about it. Apparently I wasn't half bad *wink* After a while I proposed that we go downstairs, but he said he didn't think he could walk. It was really really great. I love giving him head, I love the feeling of his cock in my mouth, I love being able to *feel* him like that, and it makes me want to run into a dark room with a lock on the door and plenty of condoms for two days straight. No, seriously, it just makes me want him all the more. Every day I see him, and every time I think about him I think to myself "pixie, you've never loved him as much as you do right now', and every day that's true. I just love him more and more and it drives me nutso.

And then, in the light booth, the lights went off and there was an angry knock at the door -insert second heart attack here- There isn't any place to go, or any place to hide in that tiny room, so I answered the door. It was Fairie Chick and Kristen. whew. They just didn't want to walk in on a bad time, but...y'know. I told them that we had just been laying there, Biscuit2 put on his shirt, it looked bad and we just laughed. Kristen and I had to get ready. I'm so in love with the modern shoes that I was wearing. They are so great, I think I'm going to have to find me a pair. Not to mention they make my arch look hella good. Our costumes still aren't done. They were supposed to be pants and it was still a skirt. Grrr. ANd we needed belts, and all this was going on two seconds before we were supposed to start.

I'm not used to the kind of work where people wait. Where I'm from, if you don't have a costume ready, your hair or makeup aren't done, then you just don't go on stage. THe show goes on without you, and most people won't notice. Everyone else has to fill in for you so your abscense isn't noticed. Trust me, it happens. It's never happened to me, although by all means it should have (the pixie has had more close calls than she'd like to remember. of course they only happen during our *major* shows) I've seen it happen to other dancers, and they will just cry and cry. It's understandable. So...it just brings back old memories. However, this is still the smallest audience I've ever been performing for (although, thankfully, not the smallest stage *shudders at horrible memories*). It's not the same, because it's not dance, but it's the closest I'll get for now. I miss performing, I really do. htat's half the problem of starting dancing on a dance team. Because you get to perform so much, so often, for so many people, and you get spoiled and you get used to it. That's half the appeal of Broadwy, youg et to perform so often, for so many people, and for the greatest audiences.

And that was just it for the day. My mom aksed me "honey, what's wrong" and I just started to laugh and laugh bitterly, because there wasn't anything wrong, and that's the first time she's asked me that in years. And I came home to an empty refrigerator, and I went to sleep. Pixie
Virginity

Aren't you guys lucky? Three posts in one day. But I really need to get this out, because the pix is mucho confusedo. Hmmm...can you guess what it's about? Me losing my virginity. Let me stress stress stress that Biscuit2 hasn't put any pressure on me whatsoever, before you start thinking he's an asshole. *wink* Really, he's been absolutely great about this whole me being an inexperienced-virgin thing. I know that he wouldn't do anything unless I was 100% comfy with it, and he wouldn't even try to push it on me at all, it's not like that. But, we are a very physical couple (aren't most?), and a very sexual one too (if not in actions then in desire, lol), and we talk about things. Like, how he feels threatened by Ricardo, and I feel threatened by Kristen (not that their are real threats there, but...we still feel that way. It just comes with the territory of being jealous and possesive and having really bad luck with relationships). So...the point is that we talk about things, about me losing my virginity,and all that jazz. And so it's not like it's not something we've thought about.

And as a guy, he certainly doesn't have a problem with having sex with me ;) And he says that if I feel I'm ready and that I want to lose it to him, then it's certainly not his place to question my decisions. And it really isn't. Do I want to have sex with Biscuit2? Totally. Will I? I don't know. I don't know. It's just like...virginity has never been a big deal for me, you know that, I know that. I'm not one to put a lot of weight on sex, I'm not stupid and I'm not naive. I know what virginity is to a lot of chicks, and I know what mainstream society thinks it should be, and I know what I think of it. I think it's a bunch of crap. Because really...first of all, it's so much of a bigger deal for a chick to lose it than a guy. Second of all, it's completely heterosexist. Third of all, it's all about a woman's worth and place in society. Fourth of all, it's so inconclusive. Someone could have "techniqually" lost their virginity when they were 7 because they were raped. I know people who have. And by mainstream society, they aren't virgins. And that's so stupid. I know some guys think if a girl doesn't bleed she's not a virgin, and that's so ill-informed. I never thought it was a big deal.

So why can't I just make a decision? This all comes up, mostly because on Monday (in a week) we don't have school. Fairie Chick is having her birthday thingy bowling. My point being that depending on what time my dad goes to work, and what time Fairie Chick wants her thing to start, we could totally have a few hours to ourselves. So, we have the opportunity (possibly, a large possibility). We have the precautions (one good thing about queer events, condoms, dental dams, and lubes for all). We (or rather, I), just need to make a decision. On the one side, I'm like, well why not? I can honestly say I love Biscuit2 in ways that I can't even begin to explain. He makes me feel happier than I ever have, and I want to be with him for a very very long time. So why not have sex with him? On the other side, I'm like, well fuck this is going to hurt horribly bad. Not a *big* issue, but it's still an issue to keep in mind. And on the final side, I'm like, is it really rational to have sex with someone after two weeks? My brain says sure it is, my heart says sure it is. But there's still that little part of me that listens to mainstream society and the way that things are *supposed* to be, and that little part of me says that there's no way I could be ready for this kind of thing. And all my sides are fighting and I don't know why.

Well, shall I grab my handy dandy scarleteen sex readiness checklist (you think I'm joking, ey? I've been a volunteer for that site for over a year babes, I don't make any sex moves without checking out the site). Well, gosh darn it, it says that I'm all in the clear (sans a few things, such as, I'm not on the pill, and I haven't got abortion money stashed away. Don't roll your eyes at me these things are important. Okay, so, even though I haven't got any money stashed away, I've got people who have money that I can very easily get it from, and not have to pay them back in the immediate future, and not have to lie to them about what it is for - namely, my uncle). So...I don't know. I try to think, if some chica was asking me this question on ST, what would I tell her? I'd tell her that if she was so undecided, chances are she's not ready. But it's not that I'm so undecided...it's just that...oh I don't know. I'm going to bed now. I've got to get up early. pixie

Monday, October 01, 2001

Light

And on a quick light note...when Biscuit2 went to my homepage last night (which, by the way, is now linked at the top of the page, along with some quick factoids, and a link to my photo albums), and he saw the counter and he was like "oh, you got yourself one of those fake counter thingies", because right now 2932 people have visited my site. It is totally real. And you want to know the funny part? I haven't even had that counter up for the whole time I've had my site. Heehee. Pixie PS: don't forget to clix me every day! You can clix me every hour! If I can just get in the top 50 I'll be a happy pixie.And while you're there give your clix to Heather Corinna (founder of www.scarleteen.com, I think half of you guys found me from there so y'know), she's in the top ten right now, but she should be number 1, don't you think?
Big Boobs Went That Way

Said by Jessy, last Thursday, when I was wearing the infamous 200 dollar dress for GQ day (company players initiation), along with a gel bra, and man, I looked stacked.

I'm very blah today, I apologize in advance, I really really do. Let's talk about it. I woke up *early* today. EARLY. I was ready at 6:41. We didn't leave until 6:51. During that 10 minute period I sat there, counting down the seconds, being pissed off. Duh. I'm sitting there, putting on my boots, I already brushed my teeth, and it's not till I grab my bag that my dad says "oh. You're ready?" And he's got to go get all his running shit together. Needless to say, I wasn't eaten out this morning. In chem I got my seat moved. Some chick was sitting there and I was just like...ummm, uhh...yo, teacher, I've been replaced. Now I sit in the last row next to Shane. Blah blah, I found out that Jordan has a pocket watch, how fucking sexy is that? Hell yeah.

Spanish was blah. I've got a test on Wednesday that I need to study for, and 12 worksheets that I haven't started at all on, due Wednesday. How yucko is that? Ramone was hitting on me, as usual. When the teacher started selling candy he was like "what do you want? A Twix?" and I told him no I didn't want any candy. Well, he bought me one any way. The look on his face when I refused it. He shoved it in my hand, I passed it to a friend. I'm not one to say what I don't mean. Well, at the time I decided to pay him back because I felt back, he just doesn't know me well enough yet. But right now I'm just pissed. Why would I say I didn't want something if I didn't? I hate it when other people do that.

English...we all went to the home ec room because our room was being used for a presentation, and that was fun because I got to sit next to Fairie Chick and Jessy. I talked to Fairie Chick about giving Biscuit2 head, and we just talked about all that girly stuff. Hehe, it's almost funny, because she mentioned that she didn't want him to tell her if I was better or not, because she didn't want to be compared and neither did I, but according to him he told her that I gave better head then her. And...she was saying how the first time she gave him head he was all oooh yummy, and according to him it wasn't like that at all. Interesting to get the different points of views, you know.

After school Biscuit2 and I went to his house for a while. I was just hanging out on his bed. *laughs* his bed makes me want to have sex. I was just lying on my tummy, reading his journal with my feet up (I was wearing my fuck-me boots, ooh), and later on he said he totally wanted to jump on top of me. *smirk* fun stuff. He was eating corn dogs and I was just rubbing his back. *sigh* We went back to school...people were running around doing dress rehersal stuff. I gave Ricardo a very long backrub (well, he was just sitting there and I wanted to touch him because, well, I never have. You guys know me, I'm really physical, I just like to run my fingers over people's skin). Fairie Chick put on the Clueless soundtrack ("I don't care, what my teachers say, I'm going to be a super model..." and "we're the kids of America..."), and we jumped around. I let down my hair (very unusual, I like my hair up off of my face. I try to force myself to wear my hair down, but I end up sticking it into a bun with a pen anyway. I remember back in the day I used to always have my hair up, and I had this boyfriend and he only saw me with my hair up. One day we went swimming and I let my hair down. The look on his face. It was the first time I ever thought that I could be pretty), we jumped around and danced around and Kristen joined us, and we pulled up various guys who didn't dance for very long, and we went to the stage and danced around, and then we started rehersals.

Oh wait, I'm so mad at Fairie Chick. She cut herself, that whore (and Biscuit2, if you read this you better not say a word! It comes with the privelege of reading it, you gotta pretend you don't know because you normally wouldn't). I guess she was on the phone with Biscuit2 and she stepped on a hanger, gashing her foot. And then she just started gashing away at her arms and legs. Not deep, not wide, they won't scar, but still. I'm so mad, I could scream, I could cry, I could kill her. Me, her, and Duck talked about it for a bit, and we were all just like, you got stop hun. She can't tell Anthony, and she doesn't feel like she can tell anyone else because they'll say she's just doing it for attention.

Well, since she rolled up her tights and showed me herself, I'm not going to say whether or not I think she's doing it for attention, and you know what, I don't really give a damn if she is. If she is, then there is still a problem. When I first started cutting again after Sperm Girl/CJ happened, Sperm Girl and Paco straight up told me that they thought I was doing it for attention. So I stopped doing it on my ankles (my place of choice, wrists were too obvious) and started doing it on my chest and over my hips. One day Sperm Girl saw my scars and freaked out (ooh...there were only like 12 there at the time, not a *big* deal, well, compared to know anyway), and she knew I wasn't doing it for attention anymore. If I ever was, which I wasn't.

I'd rather be aware of her cutting habits, if she continues them, and know when I need to tell her parents (oh, don't bitch at me, I've had my parents told by a friend once before and I hated that friend. And I still hate that friend, mostly becuase she did it out of spite and anger, but if she had done it out of love I know that I would have gotten over it), rather than have her just do it and me not know until a few months from now if I spend the night at her house, when she's at the point where she can't stop. I try to tell her, she's got to stop, I don't care how good it feels, because one day she'll wake up and out of curiosity count up her scars and she will flip out, and she won't really remember the past few years, and she'll be so terrified and angry, and she'll be too scared to stop doing it, and then it'll be too late. Because everyone reaches that point, where they only cut because they're too scared to stop. And it's just that much harder to be normal after that.

So...blah. Listen to me bitch bitch bitch. We did rehersals, nothing notable about that, except for a whole episode with Biscuit2. Basically, as he put it, he was "hella horny". I like him better that way *laughs*. No really, because the way he looks at me is just so...I don't know. And it's just all the more physical and I'm all up for that :) However...it's also a bummer because y'know, we haven't got a place to go. High point was when we went into the Abbey (it's a part of the set, okay?) and found a chair, hehe. But...I just wish we had some time to be alone, when we didn't have to worry about someone walking in, when we didn't have to worry about someone hearing us, when we didn't have to listen for cue lines (and be late for them anyway), when none of that is an issue.

I don't know, I feel all funny inside. It started last night, I just had this little empty feeling in my stomache. I want it to rain, it's cloudy, and if it rains it will absolutely make my day. But...anyways, back to the point. I feel funny. I feel happy. Happy is a funny thing for me, I'm totally not used to it, not at all. I love someone, not too new, but I love someone in a *romantic* sense. I really do love the boy, by the way. And three, I am loved. I don't think I've ever been loved before (well, at least not in the romantic sense). I've had friends love me...my parents used to love me, well sorta. My uncle loves me...and that's sorta it. Sad, but not really. As I say so many times, a girl gets used to anything (I think, if I choose to make a new blog on my 16th birthday, it seems to be a trend, start a new diary each year and keep your old one a read only, so anyways, if I start a new blog it will be called A Girl Gets Used To Anything). But...with him, I know he loves me. He tells me he loves me...I read in his journal he loves me (and, oh by the by, my sweetie just started a blog of his own. I can't tell you how good it will be, or how interesting, or how often he'll update, how long his posts are, or any of those details, because the poor html-challenged boy just started it last night. But, if you care to read it's at http://trevorsdick.blogspot.com In a week I'll tell you if it's any good *wink*). I can see it in his eyes that he loves me, and it's so strange. The way he looks at me...like he wants to spend eternity with me, like he loves me, like he never wants to let me go. Like he wants *me*, not because I'm a chick, not because I've got boobs, not becuase I've seen Star Wars, played laser tag, watched porn, and played Pokemon (I know, it sounds strange, but I've had guys like me for those very reasons), not because I'll suck his dick (and want to!), but because I am *me*. Just Brittany, just another pixie, but not just another pixie. And it's so strange, and it leaves me feeling so strange. But you know what? I can honestly say I'm happy, I have no desire to cut or do anything self-harmful like that (yuck, the burns on my leg are looking very...icky. I don't know if they'll scar though, I've never really been hardcore burning, well, before that time anyway), and that's good enough for me. Maybe that's what love is, not needing an explanation. I don't know, but I love him.

In other news...Fairie Chick found some hardcore porn underneath her dad's bed. She was snooping for birthday presents. You'd think that she would learn. She's found a vibe at her mom's house, crotchless panties at her dad's, and now hardcore porn. All when she's snooping. The funniest part is you know she's not going to stop lookin'. Hehe.

Jaimie still likes me. She is a very pretty bisexual chick. She gave me a note today. I talked to Duck about it, since he's down with all the queer drama/gossip (it's funny, if you ask any queer person about any other queer person in their school, they will know everything. The bond that binds queers is a strange one). So....yeah, she likes me, the note is just some general questions. I guess she was nervous to give me the note because she likes me. *laughs* it's just a note! I adore the girl. I think she's flippin awesome and if I didn't have a Biscuit2 I'd totally be chasing after her. But, for now, we'll just keep it friendly. (I know you're thinking, pixie, oooh, what about polyamory, you suggest that for everyone else. well, as fun as that could be, I know Jamie isn't one to share, lol). Pixie

Sunday, September 30, 2001

Life Is Great When You're Getting Head

A line of a charming song that my sweetie wrote. So, Blah, Biscuit2 thinks I come from a disfunctional family. Funny, because I always thought that we were pretty normal. But I guess you can get used to anything. Just lots of angry words. About the computer, about the house, about everything. Blah. I'm glad that I'm past that whole phase where I would cry at any yelling. Even if it wasn't at me, I would just cry. I never really talked back to my mom...so I'm just happy that I don't cry anymore.

Tomorrow I'm wearing my green plaid bondage skirt. Biscuit2 is planning to eat me out before school, we shall see how it goes. He's only eaten out a chick twice, both times were Fairie Chick. I'm not nervous at all. Well, I am, actually. I'm just...I don't know, nervous. Something new, I'm nervous, I always am. But, I'm totally looking foward to it, actually.

I'm on the phone with Biscuit2. He just told me that I have a nice back :) Duck thought so too, back in the day. I forget what I was wearing, something with very-little or no back, and he was just telling me my back was so nice. Hmmm...strange, but flattering. I was a little confused when Biscuit2 said it though, because I know Duck is just hella turned on by backs. And so he was just like "well, it's all nice and smooth without any zits or anything." I wonder if he was thinking about Fairie Chick, because I know that she does have zits on her back. Gah, I don't know. He told her that I gave better head than her! Oy oy. Apparently they just got into a little snit, and they're cool now but I'm just like ah..I don't want her to know that! Or hear that. I mean, it makes me happy to know that (I know, I'm a horrible horrible person), but...at the same time. I don't know, I'm just happy that they're cool though. But it makes me nervous. I worry that they'll fall head over heels for each other again. I worry that one day I'll walk in on them kissing. I'm terrified that all those feelings from Sperm Girl and CJ will come back again. I can't handle going through that again, I just can't. I was just so broken...so broken and hurt, so empty. I can't go through that again. I mean, I trust him, and I trust her, but I still worry. I can't help it.

I got an e-mail from Tim today. Tim is this wonderful kiddo (well, not a kiddo, like all the other people I call kiddo's he's older than me), and he sends me e-mails every now and then (*ahem* a habit some of you could get into). He was just telling me that I don't need to rush into doing anything sexual with Biscuit2 (who am I kidding? Everyone knows Biscuit2's name, but...I feel better not using it). Maybe I am rushing into things, I don't know. I don't feel like I am. I really care about him, I love him (even if it's just in a teenybopping sort of way, but I do love him, and I am head over heels for him), and he's one of the few people that has ever made me happy. I know that I won't regret anything that we do together. God, he just makes me so insanely happy. I want to do things with him. I'm just so paranoid that I'll regret it, or that I'm rushing into it. I don't think I will, and I don't think I am, but...I still worry. I need to stop doing that.

I mean...you could just say, Pixie, pick up your vibe. I love my vibe, we've had some hella good times together, it's given me multiples, there will always be a place in my heart for my vibe. But...it's lost it's appeal for now. It doesn't kiss me, it doesn't make me laugh, it doesn't make me whimper, it doesn't bite me, it doesn't love me. I just don't want it, I want Biscuit2. I'm glad my vibe doesn't know how to read.

Well...anyways, if you're wondering, Biscuit2 isn't giving me any pressure. When we talk about me losing my virginity, it's always under the context of me losing it to him, but he'll tell me that there isn't any pressure and it's all up to me. And I know that it is...I know that he wouldn't leave me if I didn't want to have sex. He wouldn't leave me if I didn't give him head, he wouldn't leave me if all we did was make out. For the first time there really isn't any pressure, and maybe that's half the appeal. I don't know. I just...I just...I just want him, but I'm still so nervous. So don't worry all of you, I'm not planning on losing my virginity anytime soon. You never know if we'll go back to olden times, and I want to be worth more than three cows.

So...we shall see. Oh, and about him not cumming when I gave him head. He says it's mostly because we've been so flippin paranoid, and because he's not used to getting head, and because he doesn't really want it to stop. This makes me feel much better. See, it's not that I don't give good head (even if I don't give great head). And now...a few lyrics from the Hippos, just because I love them so much and because they're really putting me into this awesome mood.

Thinking
I don't know what I'm gonna do,
i don't know what I'm gonna do,
Because I think I have fallen in love with you
Cuz I think I have fallen in love with you,
It's true,
Wishing, that you'd come up to me,
You're always on my mind you're driving me crazy,
i'm missing, your personality,
You're always on my mind you're making me lazy,
But every time I come up to you,
My throat turns dry I'm tripping on my shoes,
i don't know what I'm gonna do,
i don't know what I'm gonna do,
Because I think I have fallen in love with you,
It's true!

xoxox,
pixie
PS: don't forget to clix me! The link is above the fairie :)