Saturday, September 22, 2001

Explanation Of No Action

So...I didn't. Break up with Trevor, that is. I talked to Biscuit last night, the first time ever and so we just talked about Trevor and normal stuff. He asked me if he had made the move, would I have had sex with him? I told him the truth, probably. I really liked Biscuit, and I can't think of a better person to have sex with for the first time, I still can't. So...we talked about that and just about everything. Just friendly y'know? And then...well, I've been feeling icky lately, just down and depressed for no reason and I just couldn't place the feelings, y'know? But...last night...I did it, again. I cut myself, again. 11 times. A quick count up don't today in the Jack in the Box restroom says that I've got over 55 visible scars. Blah. I really hate myself right now. But...let's continue with the story. So, I know that when I get like this I just need to take a step back just to figure out everything, I don't know, but I really just have to. Just figure out what's wrong, how to fix it, can I fix it in the first place?'s hard to have a relationship while doing that. It's hard to have a relationship while cutting yourself in the first place. If you've ever been a self-injurer, depressed, or someone with an eating disorder, or if you've ever had a relationship with someone who has, then you know what I'm talking about. You know that it's really just *hard* to keep it going. Because it's hard to like someone when you don't even like yourself. So I decided I have to break up with him. I talked to Star about it, and he agreed it was for the best, for now .I even wrote a note to him explaining it all.

This morning I woke up early early...I decided to skip the shower and go to bed for another 40 minutes...finally I dragged my bum out and got to the school. No one was there so I just sat down to switch the batteries in the CD walkmen (my brother's) to listen to it, but then Fairie Chick and Lydia appeared. And then Trevor appeared. He was inside the school, he told us to go around to the front of the school through the principal's office, because that's how he got in. So, we grabbed Fairie Chick's door (or rather, we convinced some other people to do it because I was not down with dragging a freaken' door around). We go to the front, and Trevor comes around and announces that he's been locked inside of the school. Finally he gets a janitor to let him out, and we all travel back to the quad, where the rest of the class is waiting, and the teacher pulls up and we get inside access, yay!

We do warmups...very interesting. We ate cookies and donuts and juice. I wrote Fairie a note basically saying "I think I need to break up with Trevor because I started to do bad things." But every time she tries to talk to me she's got to go back on stage or I've got to do something. We rehearsed the first scene a few times, and it actually doesn't look too bad. Charmane's boi was there, and AJ wasn't so he took his place. Too bad he graduated last year because he was actually very good, and a cutie, a sweetie, and a funnie all in one. We watched the video a few times, rehearsed again, and waited around.

Finally Fairie and I get like, two minutes together and I tell her that I started to cut again...but she's got to go, so I'm listening to my CDs and I'm just crying and Duck comes over and he asks me what is wrong, except I thought he asked me if I liked Jaimie, so we were having two different conversations (or rather, mouthing to each other from across the room), so we go outside and realize our mistake. He thinks it's cute that I think Jaimie is cute, and I told him I'll be fine, and we go back into the classroom, and we talk and stuff. And I cry and cry...he writes me a note. I listen to music. He puts my Poe CD (the one I was listening to) on the computer and I just sit on his lap and try not to cry. Finally Josh J. is like "is this Poe?" and I'm like "yup!" and he's like "oh, I love Poe" and I'm like "ha! it's my CD". Turns ou the went to her concert a few years back in Salt Lake City. Kick ass :)

And...we rehearsed

Friday, September 21, 2001

Fucking Tease mom's back. I got home today and she was back. I wasn't sure whether or not to be happy or sad, but I was very very surprised. I really didn't think she'd come back. And now she's here. I went around all day not sure whether to scream and shout and dance around, or whether to scream and shout and cry. I walked into Spanish, told Paco my mom left, we high-fived a few times, sat down. Sighed (at the same time), and he looks at me and says "okay, so how do you really feel?" I just stared at him and told him I really didn't know. I went to school wearing my knee-length skirt (and my gosh, I got to use the bathroom this morning! I never get to use it because my mom's alwyas in there). Trevor sees me and goes "I thought you were going to wear a short skirt?" I peel off my skirt to reveal my short blue/black sparkly glitter faces zipper skirt, hehehe. I left my skirt and my spanish and english book in the theater room and head to chemistry. My teacher was actually there to teach the class...surprise surprise. I didn't have a calculator, nor the worksheets we were going over, so it was painfully slow.

I talked to Pat...he and Deanna are broken up for good, which is a bummer because I hate to see peopel break up, but according to Paco it's for the better. He was very happy that I'm with Trevor...he's one of Anthony's best friends, and Trevor being taken secures Anthony's position with Fairie Chick, basically. So...on break I found out that Trevor had been wearing my skirt and Fuzzy Bag Chick's purple leopard print pants, lol. I'm sure he was quite attractive. I got a note from him...and a curious george with a parachute (reminisent of his days working at Wendy's). Cute cute.

Spanish was...well, spanish. Giselle and I talked bunches and she decided to come hang out with me on the break. This guy that sits next to me (Ramone) is sooo annoying. He's very obviously in like with me. Now, I remember back in the day he liked my friend Alex, and all day she would complain how annoying he was. I laughed at her I know. I was very loud about the word "boyfriend", just so he'd stop hitting on me. Not happening. He asked me for my number, I gave it to him, he hugged me. Yuk. Yuk yuk yuk. Okay, I"m done with that. Let's hope he doesn't call.

Second break Giselle came with me, and we mostly talked about people we used to know and what had happened to them, and that was about it. I went to English...boring...Fairie Chick and I were cool though. After school we had rehersal. I mistakenly took a kid for being gay. I was like, "are you down with the rainbow?" and he's like "sure" and I'm like "no...I'm asking you a real question..." and he's like "yeah, yeah I am". Oops, he wasn't. lol. My mistake, but you know, it happens. We rehearsed...Trevor wore my skirt, I wore his pants (and we had to desperatly look for a belt because...well...they were mucho biggo).

Rehersal was fun...we went to the costume shop...Bree has the most awesome dress, Fairie is still naked, Trevor has his outfit...I'm still naked. We're supposed to wear jester costumes, but that's not working out, so now I think we're doing some sort of pajama thing. Oh...and I'm breaking up with Trevor tomorrow...I'm tired now...I'll explain it all tomorrow. Pixie

Thursday, September 20, 2001

If You Walk Out That Door...

Sorry...I didn't finish earlier. And I will in a minute, but right now I need to talk. Because my mom just left. Walked out. Gone. *ahem* From the journal of Brittany, written just 15 minutes ago:

My mom is leaving. My dad is gone too. Don't know where they went or if they're coming back. It happened at dinner. My dad got chicken nuggets for my mom, yogurt for me, and Mexican for him and my brother. My mom said something about wanting a burger, my dad said he got her what she asked for. SHe asked my brother for some of his food because "she didn't know Mexican was an option". Then they started to argue about who said what, my dad was like "that is BULLSHIT" (just so you know, he never cusses *at* my mom), and she's like "no, you're a LIAR" and they exchanged a few more explicitives until my mom was just like "i don't want to talk you...don't talk to me i'll just ignore you...why don't you just leave?" and my dad was like "no, why don't you just leave?", and she was like "fine, i will". so...she packed up her laptop, her school stuff, clothes, hair stuff, toothbrush, all that, and left. My dad left too.

Blah, this is just like last time. (when I was in seventh grade my dad moved out for a month or two). Except last time my brother and I never knew what was going on until the day my dad moved out. And he came back. The thing about my mom is that she's not the kind of person to walk out and then come back and forgive and forget. She already had to do that when my dad left. She won't be diong it again, in my own opinion. She didn't say bye to my brother and I, but that's okay.

I guess she's at my grama's house now...

As for the rest of my day, as I was saying, the other kiddo..he's got the cutest accent, his name is Daniel, and I just found out that he's a foreign exchange student from Sweden. Neato. Geometry was...well, I forgot my homework again, and I wasn't taking notes and the teacher pointed it out. I"m sure she hates me already, lol, but that's alright for now. Second break was normal...PE was just...well, icky, as usual.

After school I talked to Fairie Chick. Paco told me that she was crying all day yesterday. *sigh* She was in the girl's dressing room, Jonna was in there lying on the ground. Trevor walked in about two seconds before me, I asked him if he could adios, he said sure and tried to grab Jonna. She was rolling around on the floor going "no on, I'm tired, let me go". He practically pulled her arms out while dragging her away. Apparently she didn't know about the situation. :/

I straight up told Fairie Chick that I was going to break up with Trevor. She was like "no,no" and I'm just like "it's bullshit and I don't want the rest of the year to be like this". She said that she'd never talk to me again if I did, I pointed out that she wasn't talking to me anyway. She gave me an excuse. She said that she just had to learn to let go, after all she has Anthony and she didn't want me to break up with Trevor just because of her. I was crying. Adam walked in, looked at us for two seconds, and walked out. Kristen came in to fix her hair, we told her it was okay, she promised it would just take a minute. A nanosecond later Jonna comes in desperatly trying to get Kristen to leave. I'm assuming that Trevor had a little chat with her.

Soon we started to act like normal and we were gettin' happier when JD walks in, throws his bag down and starts chatting. We start to bust out laughing because apparently he's lacking his girl-talk radar, lol. We talked about pedophiles and mexicans and abusive parents and just normal things (Well, normal things when JD is around anyway). Fairie went to do warmups, and Trevor came in right afterwards (I'm so sure everyone was dead silent trying to listen to what was going on. Not that Fairie Chick and I were being quiet, but it was just funny how a normally crowded area was instantly empty, if anyone dared to walk in they immediatly left or someone immediatly came to try to discreetly tear them away). We talked about Fairie and what did she really mean and feel, and decided to just ride it out and see what happened. So we sat in the audience to watch and talk, when the teacher comes. Trevor was hitting on me, and I'm like "she's right in front of us!", because I'm so sure her opinion of me isn't the greatest right now.

The scene I'm in came up and we stumbled through it. ALl of us went into the caf to practice, we really do need it. I started talking to Jaimie, a pretty lesbian freshman with the most awesome blue eyes. She says I have a calming voice because when she had came in she was shaking (she had just gotten back from the hospital because her friend was in a bad car accident), and I guess I calmed her down. Kim was there too. She's one of Trevor's close girl friends (also a lesbian). I like her :) Anthony and Fairie came in and everyone was smacking her bum so she seeked refuge in my lap. I suppose that means we're cool. I poked her and Jaimie's boobs (water bra and gel bra. It makes them look like Dolly Parton, I'm sooo getting myself one).

And that was basically it. Tomorrow we have to get costumes (the extras are going to be dressed as jester's, tights and everything. Biscuit is an extra too, lol). We've also got practice on Saturday, things like that. I prepared to walk home but Kristen saved me and gave me a ride home. I found a bruise on my inner thigh courtesy of Drew's teeth. lol.

So I guess that's it. I'm wearing my super-short skirt tomorrow. Fun :)

To Be, Or Not To Be?

So...lots of stuff happening, oh yeah. Yesterday I didn't see my parents at all hardly. When my mom walked in the door, I was walking out to go to Paco's house to help his sister dance. Her heart wasn't in it and I wasn't going to force her, but her mom was a little adament about not wasting my time, so we turned on the tube and I stretched her out. She was quite satisfied, I tried to make it like a really good massage, but with stretches, because I know for me stretching alone is awesome to relax me, and when I take Jeanette Niel's jazz class her voice is so soothing I feel like I should be in therapy. So I just told her what I was doing...I rolled her ankles, and flexed and pointed and twisted and turned all of her body. Then we ate dinner (three kinds of pasta, *drool* it was flippin' yummy), and then they dropped me off at home. I came home to an open house, again, nothing I like better than that feeling. *sigh* I think it's really awesome to be able to do that, I really do. I can't wait to be able to come home to an empty house all the time.

When I came home everyone was gone, and Trevor called me so we talked for like three hours. My mom was watering her plants and she knocked on my window and waved high, my brother came in and asked me who I was talking to, my dad knocked on my door to ask me if I was going to eat dinner. And that was the extent of my relating to my parents. Which, is perfectly fine with me. I think they think I'm anorexic. Or have an eating disorder or something, because a few days ago I was having a really bad period and felt so ick and sick that I didn't eat, and then I wasn't hungry the next day, I said I had eaten at Paco's house yesterday...because now my dad's home and he's asking me to pick what we're having for dinner, because they're going out with my aunt and they always bring us home something to eat. I don't feel like eating, I really don't. But...I don't know, I'll order Wendy's or something (hey hey hey, frosty, yum yum).

So today...I was running late. Just that kind of day where you pick up a million things to wear but none of them will do, and you end up wearing what you started with. So...I tredged my way to school, and barely had time to go to my locker (once again, I went to the *wrong* locker first). World History...not too much happened there. Just the usual. I like the chick who sits next to me, she's such a sweetie. She was saying how this class was making her doubt her belief in God because the way that evolution can be explained so easily, no God, no Adam, no Eve. I asked her what religion she was, and she said she wasn't a part of any, but explained her beliefs as easily as this, "I believe in God, I think you should be a good person, if you do something wrong you should be sorry, ask for forgiveness, mean it, and don't do it again". Kinda nice, isn't it? I told her to write a book. She was like "yeah! I should write a book, shouldn't I?" I told her I thought everyone should write a book, whether or not it was published or ever read by anyone else.

First break...Fairie Chick was in cognito somewhere because I didn't spot her, me and Trevor were cuddly when I noticed a kid in the corner sitting by himself. I asked Jordan who he was, and he said he didn't know, but I should laugh at him. Not my style babe. So...I hopped off the class-room stage and went over and talked to him. He's a Junior, from Chicago, first day at our school. I didn't catch his name, besides it being repeated so many times to me, so I've dubbed him Chicago. I took him up on stage and introduced him to everyone.

Then, there was this other kiddo.

Wednesday, September 19, 2001

Attention Kiddos, I'm a Kiddo!

Well well well, I bet you're dying to know where I've been. And...I've actually got some juicy news for you. Ahh, the drama that is my life. Heehee. I know you're curious ;) But...two things first. The ever present beg, clix me. Next thing...a lot of people have baby pictures up of them...well, I have the closest thing I've got to a baby picture. Courtesy of my uncle's handy dandy e-mail skills. You can see a pic of me when I was oh...7 or 8 here. If you like looking at me, or like looking at tarantulas, or like looking at kiddies with tarantulas, you should check it out (yes...I'm holding my uncle's tarantula on my arm. No I wasn't scared. No I was never bitten (and I've held like, 5 different ones). No it wasn't icky. Yes I am a freak. Yes I do adore tarantulas. Yes my uncle likes 'em too. No I don't have one now.

So, theres that. Now...hehe, to tell you or not to tell you? Oh yes, drunken pixie pictures are officially off the internet, however I did finally get my *real* copies of the pictures in the mail *rolls eyes* of course. If you didn't see them you missed out, I'm telling you.

Now...I'll tell you. This was written in geometry yesterday and spanish today, so take it as it is. Heehee. Sorry, I'm giddy about your curiousity. Oh wait, we've determined it was an allergic reaction, but after a few hours of extreme itchiness it hasn't gotten worse and it's slowly getting better. However, it is muy unattractive to have red bumps all over your tummy, chest, back, and thighs. Yucko.

Here we go...once upon a a geometry classroom long ago...a very itchy girl wrote this:
***so today basically sucked. I'm allergic to bleach, and like so many other things in life I learned that the hard way. I took the wrong folder to World History. Oops. Break was spent itching myself and explaining to people why I was itching. Fairie Chick looks very sexy in this lacy corset thing and got a water bra to make it seem like she's got massive boobs. I'm getting one this weekend for sure. (Kristen asked Fairie what she wore to sleep. Very courious, Fairie asked her why, Kristen replied "because you always wear lingerie to school, a girl's gotta ask y'know". *laughs* it was cute). I asked her for her adress and got all excited jumping up and down and telling her she was going to love me soon. SHe looks me straight in the eye and says "does it have anything to do with Francesca Lia Block?". Gah! She swears no one told her, she just knew only a fairie could be that excited, and you know...fairie = Francesca Lia Block. Of course.

I talked to Jessica Guy a little bit, she had her arm around me and I was just like 'you look awesome', but we only had like, two seconds to talk because we were both late for class (and the rooms are in opposite directions). I was late for geometry, had the wrong binder. I also volunteered to do a problem on the board. First I went to the first board, which was wrong, as I turned to move over I knocked over a giant protractor. THREE TIMES. Then I went to the third board, which was the wrong board AGAIN. She wanted me on the middle board. I managed to do the problem right though. I was too itchy to care what people thought.

Once upon a time...the next day, a girl sat in Spanish class after failing the test she didn't study for, and wrote this....
Wow! So much has happened! Aah. That's all I can manage to say. It's all whee...this isn't my life, it can't be. In PE we played tennis forever, and then walked forever, I was hot, sweaty, and itchy. Yuk.

Then I hung out for an hour until 2 o'clock for rehersals for the play. We're doing a Comedy of Errors and I play walk on parts. So far I'm in the first act, I play one of the Dromeo's (well, this guy is explaining why he's killing this other guy, and I help act out the explanation). So...we blocked that. It's very tiring, and...well, boring for now. Like dance, it won't get fun until you actually get to *do* something. Lots of goofing off. Trevor was wearing Eeyore ears and I chased him for the longest time to get them, and then Duck stole them! I was just like, whatever I'm tired. Too tired to care. Trevor put on big clown shoes (from Tweedle Dee in Alice in Wonderland), so I stold his shoes, which may as well have been clown shoes on me. I said I was looking for a master and he volunteered for the job. I told him he could never be a real master, he couldn't even paint his own nails prettily. He told me that's what I was for, lol. Was he flirting? I don't know. He paddled me with a fish (wow. I was just like 'no, do it harder' and he's like "are you sure?" and I'm like "of course I'm sure, hit me you bitch". The third time he *finally* got it right. Wee...yuuummmyy).

That ended at 4o'clock, and I decided to stay around to build the set (mostly because I just wanted to hang out with Trevor). It didn't start until six, so me, him, and Marshall went to the mall. Well, half the way I had to sit in Trevor's lap because we dropped of Duck, Drew, and Jaimie at Jack In The Box. Marshall weas wearing a red plaid bondage skirt (I've got to say, he's got the nicest legs and the nicest ass I've ever seen, quite literally). We drove their with the stereo absolutely blasting Linkin Park, the three of us singing at the top of our lungs. We could have been any 3 teeny boppers singing to N'Sync, except Trevor kept sticking his head out the window and yelling at pedestrains. *blushes* Embarrasing, yes. But...hey...we're just your average teenagers, ey?

So...we got to the mall, hung out at Hot Topic because Marhsall was buying a sweatshirt, then went to Claire's (I was going to get some hairsticks five-finger-discount style, but my conscionce got the better of me), and then the Disney Store. Ooh, and we stopped by skinmarked and I got a pin that had a cupcake on it and said 'cupcake' for....guess who? Cupcake of course! Trev got a UK pin.

We got back to the school, but it was like, only 5:15. Drew was there too, so we snuck through the band room, into the caf, into the theater, and finally into the drama room on the little room-stage. Drew starts biting my thighs. I'm really really really into biting, though I've never *really* had enough experience with biting because...well sometimes I'm nervous to tell people what I like. He kept going up and up but not quite *there*, but ooh gosh. Trevor was like "my god, her eyes are rolling in the back of her head and everything, wow!". Yes, it was very very yummy.

And we rubbed each others backs (me and Trevor). Oh yeah, in the mall, when we got out of the car her put his arm around me and we walked like that (with me holding Marshall's hand). On the drive home he hopped into the back with me and just pulled me into him and was holding me and it was just so...nice. So awesomely nice.

So then other people come into the room, Jude and Biscuit among them. Was Biscuit giving us a bad look? A jealous look? A look at all? I don't know. He just sat in a chair by himself and stared foward. Marshall was hungry so we went to Taco Bell...again, Trev and I are in the backseat and he starts to kiss my neck and stuf. Yummmy...he told me "either you'r an EXTREMELY sexual person, or you're severly deprived". I like to think it's the first. But wow! I might as well have been orgasming. See? Didn't I say that half the reason I was afraid to have sex was because I knew that I'd like it too much. *laughs*. So...back to the theater. We mostly just hung out, went into the caf to paint Trev's nails, the janitor sent us back to the theater. We hung out, Trevor kissed my neck and stuff.

The teacher came over and was like "I can't handle any more of that hand-holding gooey stuff, if you're here to work then work. If not, go home." So...we tried to find something to do, but there wasn't anything. We had plenty of people. So we decided to hang in Marshall's car. I took a pic of them kissing (just a peck, how I layed on Trevor again and fell asleep. He woke me up to show me some of Marshall's sex toys (a large rubber fist, a two foot long double sided dildo...he *claims* they're for Rocky Horror...)I leaned back with Trev and started to go back to sleep, but he was like "I need to ask you a can't be asleep for this one. You don't want to go out with you?". Well, he said it was like it would be a bad thing if I did, so I told him that I've liked him for a while...

And then there was a knock on the window. My mom. I was still half asleep but I was already thinking oh fuckin' shit, this will be bad bad bad. So I put on my shoes and get my backpack and she gives me the keys and points me to the car. So I go, and she's talking to Trev (I guess she just told him that I'm not allowed to be in a car with him again, blah blah, typical psycho mom stuff).

Then we drove home. She told me that she had gone in the theater and was so happy to see everyone working, and then the teacher told her that she had asked us to leave because we were all "kissy kissy'. So I told her we weren't doing anything because there wasn't anything for us to do, and I had been going to sleep, so we went to Marshall's car. I didn't have an excuse for that, she pointed out that that might have been a good time to call, I agreed. She told me that people would start saying things (haha) because they wouldn't know he was just a friend. "I'm assuming he's just a friend, right?" And I told her that actually he was more like a brother, he'd been there for me through a lot of stuff. SHe just nodded and said that other people didn't know that, and to just stay in public.

Then...I was like, "just so you know, not only am I a 15 year old virgin but I'm the only person who has never given or recieved oral sex, or even manual." And she was like "it's not any of my business, but it makes me happy that you're waiting for someone who is", we looked at each other and at the same time said "worth it." I'm very surprised at my mom's reaction. Or maybe she was never that bad about guys before and I'm just mature enough to talk to her. It was kind of creepy because it wasn't what I was expecting, not at all.

This morning Trev and I talked and he said that he spoke with Fairie Chick, and she said she was jealous...but she'd be jealous no matter who he liked, and she was happy that he found someone. I've still got to talk to her, though. He asked me if I was still interested, and I told him yeah, but I didn't want to be someone's rebound. He said no it wasn't like that, and then we had to go to class. So...I'm happy. He makes me feel the way Biscuit used to make me feel...back when we first met. Before he went out with Fuzzy Bag Chick. Like it hurt me to be around him, because no matter how tightly he was holding me I'd never be close enough to him., the rest of today. First break Fairie Chick just walked by me, she was wearing a black/white plaid skirt, black top, black lipstick, black eyeshadow, her black hair down, black boots. I was just like "fairie chick" and she's like "yeah, I decided to go goth today" without looking back at me. Just walked past. So...I was really worried. She dissappeared. Trevor and I just hung out holding each other, holding hands and stuff. Everyone looking at us, eyeing each other, trying to figure out what was going on.

Second break Fairie didn't show up at all, which isn't unusual because she's usually with her biscuit, anthony. Again...the usual happened. Trev wrote me a note, which I didn't have a chance to read. He walked me to english. He always kisses me before class and I'm once again doing the laugh-in-the-middle because I'm a fucking dork thing. It's just because it's so new and I was so nervous about Fairie.

I walked into the class and Fairie just walked out and went into the girl's room. I sat down next to Jesse (guy) and behind Manda. Fairie came in and sat down next to the first row (we don't have enough seats, so a lot of people end up sitting *next* to a row, rather than in it), Manda waved her over to us. She sat next to my row, and her and Manda talked. The teacher told us that we were getting new seating charts so we all stood up and got out of the rows, and I was like "Fairie we need to talk", she asked me about what, I told her that she knew what, she said no she didn't. I was just like "about Trevor, we need to talk about Trevor, I know you already talked to him, but..." she interrupted me and said "exactly, I talked to Trevor, there isn't anything more to say". Gah. She ended up being assigned to the first row, I ended up not having a place so I just sat where someone was absent, and wrote her a note. It said:
Fairie Chick,
Can we please-please-please talk about this? I don't know what Trevor told you, so I'm going to tell you from my point of view. I've liked Trevor. When Biscuit broke up with me, I talked to him for like, 3 hours, and then I saw all the things that you liked about him. Of course I didn't say anything, because, well, he's Trevor. YOUR Trevor .He still is.
And then, yesterday, stuff happened, just like things tend to happen when you don't mean them to. You are my very best friend, dear, one of my few friends at all, and I'll never like some stupid guy more than I love and care about you, honey-honey. If you are not okay with this, even .001% then I'll absolutely stop whatever is happening with me and Trevor. And from your reacting to me so far I'm guessing that you're not okay with it at all, and that's okay babe. I understand, but I wish you'd just tell me how you feel so we can work this out. I don't want to lose our friendship over this stupid event. Write me or call me or e-mail me or something....xoxox, Brittany

I didn't have a chance to pass it to her until the end of class. She read it and just put it in her book and stared at the back cover of her book for a long long time. Remember when I said Trev gave me a note? Aha, I read it then. Let's see...he spelled my name wrong (Brittney), and then made a little worried face saying "I think that's how you spell it". Basically he said I'm not a rebound, him and Fairie broke up three months ago (was it that long? Wow). He wants to be with me...his feelings for Fairie are still there but she's confused and he doesn't want to be a part of that anymore. Don't get mad when he says his feelings for me aren't through the roof...but we might get there, and honestly he does want to get to that point. I do care about you, don't feel like you're a rebound." So...that is that. It's not harsh, it's honest. He still has feelings for Fairie, that's understandable, those kinds of things don't go away right away. And he wants to be with me...good good good.

After class I just left, not looking at anyone. I didn't want to have to look in Fairie's eyes and have her turn away from me. So...I went to the girl's room, because I had to use it, duh. I thought I heard someone call my name...but there are plenty of Britt's out there, so I didn't turn around. As I looked for a suitable stall, I hear someone shyly call out "fairie fairie?". It was Fairie Chick! I told her to give me a second...when I was washing my hands she was talking to some people in our english class who were saying she was glad she was there to add controversy (we talked about the whole world trade center there. Let me point out I was the only person saying heya, let's not turn Afghanistan into a parking lot). She waited around the corner for me to finish washing my hands (which took *forever* because we've finally got liquid soap but not enough water pressure to wash it off, damnit). She looked at me, I looked at her, I said "god don't look at me! Sheesh, with that make-up on it seems like no matter what your expression is you're about to kill someone". She laughed. I was in the clearing.

We was good. She said she just had to get used to the idea...and she didn't want me to tell her all the physical details for now. Then she started laughing and started going on about how I couldn't lose my virginity to him. I pointed out a week ago she said I could borrow him for a night. She was just like "no's not's just that when you lose your virginity you've got to tell me all about it, every detail, because I'm your best friend you know, but you can't tell me about having sex with Trevor! I mean, *I've* had sex with Trevor!" we laughed and she promised to hire me a man-whore for when I was ready, lol.

It was really really good. Her biscuit left the school with black all over his lips and neck (hehe), and we all laughed about how Pat and Galen (anthony's friends) would be very happy about this because it meant she and Trev were over with for good.

We hung out to wait for rehersals to start and for the bearer of doom to show up. A hall monitor told us we couldn't rehearse. The teacher hashed it out with her, she said no. We said that the football and basketball and cheerleading teams were allowed on campus, she left to fight the good fight, and we started to do voice warm ups to read lines. No good, she told us that the cheerleaders were being reprimanded for disobeying orders and we needed to get off campus *now*. we adiosed it, most of us not having a ride home. Marshall took this chick home, then me and him and Trev went to Carl's Jr (they were hungry, he was my ride). Marshall dropped me off a few blocks from home, and that was that. Along with a few kisses and "I've got to go! My mom could be anywhere!" and I came home.

No one's here...but, Paco's about to pick me up so I can help his sister make my old dance team. Adios ya'll. Hope you enjoyed the story. Pixie

Tuesday, September 18, 2001

Allergic Reaction

You're probably wondering, why is the pixie up at 6:14am? Her alarm clock doesn't even go off until 6:15. Well that's because my mom woke me up as soon as she read my note. Which means I have a little extra time. After examining me under the light, we've found two determining factors. Oh yeah...I forgot to mention, last summer, we were cleaning the blinds. I don't know if this is a common procedure, as I've got a cleaning fanatic kind of mom, but we actually take down all of our blinds and wash the back of them down with ajax/bleach/water (we don't wash the front because they've got this neato kind of squiggly fabric. It's a horrible joke in our family because these blinds would be perfect in the living room...but they'll be gone soon. After last summer it was determined we couldn't wash 'em anymore because they're very fragile and we broke more than one...yes, we've had them for that long). you can imagine, it's dirty sweaty work done in the middle of the hot summer, one is usually not wearing much clothing while doing it. I was wearing shorts and a tee-shirt. The funny thing about my reaction was that it was only on exposed parts of my body, not on my chest or stomache or back at all. Hmm....curious.

But it went away and that made us happy so we didn't really question what it was. Now my mom's convinced it's the Clorox. Yesterday I put a little on a sponge to clean a bit of mold off of the freezer. Just a little bit. It didn't get on me at all. And now my body's getting red and itchy and bumpy. So...we've determined that it's most likely the Clorox bleach. That sucks. This is something that I always have to keep in the back of my head....what do they wash hotel sheets and towels in? How about the hospital? You guys, I just got it on my hand, just a little if an at all. So...what's a girl to do? Stay far away from bleach and try to keep an eye on myself in school today. I don't really feel like being hospitalized...I almost was last time. You know what the ironic thing is? Kinda sorta. Sperm Girl was allergic to bleach, and I always thought that was so weird. Adidas not white enough? Bleach them! Oh wait...she couldn't. However, I dont think she was this severly allergic. Oh, or it could be something in a cleaning supply because I cleaned the bathroom too, but I only used one cleaning thing (ahh, the new millenium), Shower Power or something like that. If it has something in it that ajax has...then it could be that.

So..let's all cross our fingers and hope for the best. I love this experimental way my mom views my body as. My arm broke...nah, it's not broken. Well, when my arm was still puffed up three days later an X-Ray said it was indeed broken. Not only that! I got a half cast (which is like, the bottom of a cast with an Ace bandage), I started to get sores on my arms. The day after my aunt's wedding we had to go to the doctor to get a soft cast. Uck. Had a big bike crash, hobbled to the house, crying saying I'll never ride my bike again (and you know what, I haven't really). My dad with the brown bottle. This won't hurt. Goddamn it's been a long time that I've hurt so bad. He poured it right on this open massive bleeding thing. Owwwie. Today we're just going to see what happens. My mom said "it'd be interesting to test out how allergic you are...but we don't wnat to put you into analytical (sp?) shock because then you'd stop breathing". Not cool. really sucks. Not knowing if it's going to get bad, not knowing if I'll need to be hospitalized...not knowing anything. I really hate that. But we shall we always do. Pixieoh come on, you know you want to clix me

Monday, September 17, 2001

Spots...and Wow?

Oooh wow. Two things, two things. Numero uno is that I'm getting spotty. As in, quite literally, I've got spots on my body. Mostly on my chest and my tummy, a little on my legs. Any other person could get little red spots on their body and it would be just fine. But, I'm not any other person, as we've noticed before. You see, a few summers ago we noticed little red spots on my thighs, similar to these. My dad and I chalked it up to being nervous, because I was going for one of those "make me a model make me a star" kind of thing. I had my script memorized, but you know, we just figured I was nervous. Later that day I was with my aunt, who noticed my little red spots. She's a bit more paranoid so she called my mom (back when she was a labor and delivery nurse), who agreed we should go to the quick care. So, we went, the doctor couldn't find anything really wrong with me and sent us home. That evening my spots had gotten bigger, covered more of my body, and were more itchy. The next morning my face had swollen up, they were driving me nutso with itchiness, my mom took me to the quick care. Once again, they didn't know. That evening it just got worse and worse, so we went back to the quick care. They said that it was a little funny the way I got so worse so fast, but chalked it up to an allergic reaction.

I couldn't sleep that night because I was so swollen, red, and itchy. The next morning we went back to quick care, it was taking so long my mom and I just burst out crying. My mom's a nurse, she gets paranoid about everything. But this was fucking scary. Well, when two lady's are sobbing in a waiting room they get attention very quickly. The doctor agreed it was scary. If this was an allergic reaction it was very severe and if it got any worse I'd have to be hospitolized. He asked if I ate any new foods...been to any new places. The thing is, the whole previous four days I'd been with my parents. Normally I'd be at the pool all day for swimming and synchro, I'd be going out to eat with Sperm Girl, that sort of stuff. But I'd crashed on my bike (a very monsterous painful crash) and had a very large scab on my knee, so I couldn't get wet, couldn't go to the pool. I'd been with my parents the whole time and everything we'd done was the same. The doctor sent us to a specialist.

The specialist didn't know what it was either. He gave me a shot in my ass and some steroids to take and wished us the best. It went away...although my mom thinks it was just on it's own. We still don't know what caused it, which is very bad because if it was an allergic reaction, and I was exposed to it again chances are my next one would be worse and I'd go into some kind of shock. spots, not good. I noticed them this morning but just figured it was possibly a body breakout, it is that time of the month you know (be thankful you guys, I was going to give my male readers another lecture about how lucky they are to be girls because I'm just having such a horrible period, and I was going to tell you all about how it's a good thing I don't believe in god because I'd be one pissed of pixie at him. But, you miss out because I'm worried about ths). But it just got worse all day. I took a shower, and decided to show 'em to my mom. Well, she went to bed before I got out so I wrote her a little note, since we're both up in the morning. I think they're getting worse, I think I'm getting itchy, but I just have to wonder if I'm being paranoid. I can't afford to miss a week of school for this, lord knows my parents can't miss work to lug me around to different doctors. So let's hope this goes away.

Now...the next thing, pictures... *does a little dance* yes, it is true, I did get them. I don't remember taking most of them, more particularily the ones from New York in which I was not very sober. Those ones are funny as hell, especially Fumi. There's this picture of us on the bed...whew, it looks *bad*. Like I'm his little child prostitute. Pictures of me and my uncle, you'll never see him that of'll never see me that smiley. I don't remember half of them. So ya'll can go to my photo album here. As a warning, the drunken Pixie pictures will not be up long, three days max just because of snooping eyes that could possibly see them, so...look at them while you can.

And one last note, I'm learning how to make my own BDSM toys. Hell yeah, bring it on baby :D Pixie PS: don't forget to clix me purty please.
Oh, and you rascal! Whichever one of you who is accessing my site from berklee by searching for "elephant kisses" (and you thought I didn't know) would you please sign my guestbook? I'd love to know who you are! Actually, all you rascals should sign my guestbook, but not until you clix me pretty please! Pixie
Coming To Terms With "Slut"

Prepare yourselves, because I'm going to go on a few rants today. I apologize, but I've got to get this out of my system. Mikal called me last night, we talked for like, two hours. He thinks I'm sweet and nice and beautiful and "soooo skinny!". I already told him, don't like me, don't start to like me because nothing good would come of it. He promised not to like me. *smirk* What a cutie. But finally IT came up, because IT always comes up. Last time I talked to him I told him that he must have not heard about IT if he thought I wasn't ONE. But, it comes up, as it always does with everyone.

"I heard that you're sorta a...slut". It always comes up with people that meet me, boys and girls, people I've never met before will ask me that. Some are not very tactical when they ask me ("well I heard that you...!"), some are a bit more discreet ("why is it that people are always telling stories about you?"). But, when it all comes down to it. They just want to know am I a slut? Most of them want to hear me say "yes, I am", because it makes them feel better, I'm not sure why but it does. You can see people's dismay when I tell them how far I've gone. Their hopes are dashed of tagging along with my wild exsistence, because except for a few days, I don't really have one.

One of the more annoying things of this is that I've got to "prove" I'm not a slut. I can't just say 'no I'm not a slut, actually" and leave it at that, I've got to give them proof that I'm not. It's none of their goddamn bussiness, but I feel like I have to tell them in order to get them to stop talking shit about me. Is it really anyone's business that I'm a 15 y/o virgin who has never even given or recieved oral sex? No, it's no one's business but mine and the people I *feel* like telling.

So...Mikal asked me, "well, why does everyone think you're a...y'know". The truth is I haven't got a clue. Because I don't think the way other people think, so I can't tell you why they think how they do, if that makes any sense. Because I don't see anything wrong with pre-marital sex, because I don't see anything wrong with group sex, or with having 14 partners by the time you're 14, or having 100 partners by the time you're 20. I don't think that's wrong, morally or ethically or anything like that. If it's safe and consensual, what the fuck do I care what you do? And who the fuck am I to judge you on your personal life? Guess what, I don't care, and I'm not anyone. This is apparently abnormal, because most people do care, and they think that they're the perfect person to judge you.

I have to keep telling myself, Pixie, look in the dictionary. I bet ya'll don't know all the definitions for slut, do you? Well, let's go through them, shall we, and see if I qualify?
***a woman considered sexually promiscuous (I don't think a virgin can be considered promiscuous)
***a female prostitute (well...I've never accepted money for sex, because I've never had sex!)
***a slovenly woman (I'm just not that messy, you guys)
***an untidy woman (once again)
***a servant girl (nope) (haha, check this out, the example sentance for this definition is: Our little girl Susan is a most admirable slut, and pleases us mightly, doing more service than both the others; *giggles immaturely*)
***a female dog; a bitch (uhh...I'm human)
***a woman adulterer (once again I haven't had sex!)

Darn, this dictionary doesn't have my favorite definition. You can still find it in some dictionary's. It says "a bold and brazen girl". Am I that? Most definetly. It's times like this that I miss Sperm Girl. Because everyone thought she was a slut too. We'd go around yelling "slut power!" doing special high fives, the same way a gay guy might call himself a fag, a way to take back the word. I could call her up and cry when I let people get to me and she'd smack me around and tell me not to give a damn. Some people might call Fairie Chick a slut, but if they do they do it quietly because it's never gotten around to me.

Gah, I'm sorry you guys, I know I know, I just tell myself not to care, they're close-minded idiots and I shouldn't give a damn. But on days like today I want to go on top of my school and yell out "WHY DO YOU ASSHOLES THINK I"M A SLUT???" because I really just don't get it. Mikal heard it from someone in theater last year, he says he does't remember who. I try to think...who in theater would say that about me? And I don't really know, I can't think of anyone. never know. You'd be surprised who talks shit about me.

I still remember the first day I really sat down and realized that people think I'm this horrible terrible amoral person. It was in 8th grade, near the end, I remember, because everyone was talking about the dance. This kid liked me...we'll call him Logan, although that isn't his real name. Haha, is it ever? So..he liked me, I liked him, everyone knew it. He was going to ask me out, and everyone knew that too. The day he was going to ask me out I waited all day, for a note, for a call, for one of his friends to tell one of my friends to tell me, for him to talk to me, for *something*. It never happened. NOTHING. The next day I found out why. I guess in band he had mentioned it to a friend of his. His friend said "Brittany ____? oh no, you don't want to go out with her, she's a slut." This wasn't a close friend of Logan's, but they sorta ran in the same crowd, they saw each other around, this person was influential enough to convince Logan not to ask me out. Guess who that person is right now? A quarterback. And as you can imagine, he has all the 'popularity' that comes with the position, and he had it all back in 8th grade too. I've never talked to this kid in my life, we ran in entirely different crowds. ENTIRELY DIFFERENT. We had some classes together all through middle school, as you tend to do when you're in accelorated classes, you have all the same classes with all the same kids all through middle school, and for most of high school too. So, we had some classes, we never really talked. He called me Flower Child some days because that was back when I was depressed. You know the look...dark circles under my eyes from not sleeping, pale skin from not eating. So...he used to make fun of me sometimes, asking me if I was a stoner (ooh, that was popular back in the day. Before people would ask me if I was a slut they'd ask me if I was a stoner. Haha, this was YEARS before I ever even smelled pot), calling me Flower Child or Goth Chick (I didn't even wear black...) or whatever other clever things he could come up with. It wasn't often, but that was the extent of our acquatance.

Well, anyways, you can imagine my surprise that he'd even care enough to talk shit about me. Or even remember who I was. So...a little Pixie History, the first day I sat down and realized that people thought I was a 'real' slut, worthy enough to talk about, people who didn't even know me, people far above me on the so-called high school social ladder. *sigh* I just don't get it. I'm sorry you guys for being such a drag today. Pixie

Sunday, September 16, 2001

The Unknown Sweet Girl

Most people don't know this about me, but I'm really really sweet. Also, considering my temper and my love for shouting, debating, and ordering, I'm a pacifist at heart. And it drives me flippin nutso. Guess whose chores I did today in addition to mine? That's right, my brother's. Why? Because he called me and asked me to. He didn't give me any details, just asked me to do his chores. I said no, I didn't have time, I didn't want to. He said please. In the background his friend yelled "he'll give you 20 bucks". My brother told me not to listen to that. I told him I'd do half of them. We both hung up knowing that I'd do them all. But just in case I called his friend's cell and left a message telling him not to worry.

So I did his chores. I didn't finish mine, but I don't have to go to school tomorrow (teacher inservice) and I'm hoping that my parents don't notice. When my mom came home and saw that she said I'd be able to cash in on favors from him for a long time. Not true. My dad said it wasn't true, my brother doesn't return favors like that. He's right. I know that I can count on my brother to not be there when I need him and to get me into trouble as much as he can, and that's about it.

It sucks because my whole life I've been like this. We're playing don't want to be the dad? Great, I'll be the dad. My mom says that my brother and I have to sweep and mop. My brother hates sweeping, so I'd do it. Amy needs to write a book report? She's known about it for 9 months but hasn't even started on it? Great, I'll do it. My friend and I get into a fight? Great, I'll be the one to make up, to say I was wrong even if I wasn't, because I don't want to fight (that's a nice way to set yourself up for people to walk all over you, and eventually they did, but that was okay with me too, as long as people weren't mad). You want to wear my new skirt that I haven't even worn even though you *never* let me borrow your clothes until you've worn them at least 3 times? Great, take it. You need me to do your chores so you can have a life since I'm not allowed to have one? Great, works for me. Need help with your homework? Of course I'll help. Need me to stay after school? Of course I will. Need me to go the extra mile without getting anything in return? I'd never dream of saying no.

It's a horrible miserable exsistence. It wouldn't be so bad if people though of me as being sweet, but'd never happen. No one ever thinks "oh she's so sweet" when they hear my name. I'm trying not to hate my brother right now. I tell myself it's not his fault that my parents let him do whatever he wants whenever he wants it (he left the house yesterday around 2pm, off to go "well, we don't know yet", he got home at midnight, he left this morning at 9am and isn't home yet...gah). But I can't help but be a little mad when he wants me to do his chores too.

Fairie Chick was appaled that I agreed to do it, she's like "isn't this the brother that likes to think he's your parents and gives you long lectures and tell your parents everything you do?". Yup. She couldn't believe that I'd do him a favor, especially for nothing in return.

I can't help it...that's just the way I am. Maybe I let people take advantage of me sometimes...but...I can't help it. I really can't. It's not that I can't say no, it's just that I like to be able to help people out when I can, no matter who they are or what they've done to me. But it really is a bummer, because I never get a thank you and I'll never get recognized for being nice or sweet or for helping people out. *sigh*

Blah, I'm PMS brittany and I don't feel well. Oh yes, and new project. I'm copying down my favorite parts of books and songs and stuff and covering my walls in that. Right now I'm doing anything Lily-ish from the book Smack (originially published as Junk). Just because I love this Lily chick. Oh and heyyy, I went to Walmart and got some film, and when I came hom I had nice, new film already in my camera, how much does that rock? Pixie Oh, and PS: my uncle is going to get his copies of the pictures scanned since we're figuring mine aren't coming. So...those should be up on Tuesday or Wednesday.

Also, I'm taking all my pictures off of Geocities, to save me some space, and I put them up in a photo album at msn, which you can view here: (I'm too lazy to do html right now). There are some never-before-seen pictures, so there you go you guys. P. Girl is Poodle Girl, S. Girl is Sperm Girl, and I think those are all the abbreviations I used. Look at them now because by Sunday I will have many more pictures up :D
I Hate Bad Dreams

I know that everyone has a general dislike for bad dreams, but I have an above-normal one. A bad dream will ruin my week. I hate I hate I hate them. I think I hate them so much because I should never have them. Because I can control my dreams. It all started when I was a little kid...I'd constantly have this dream of myself walking down this street (think London-style, cobblestone, very moist, very dark, steam coming up), and I go into this building. I see this woman, I don't know her, but I trust her. She has a present for me, it's so big! It's bigger than I am. I open it up. A vampire is inside. I run, he chases after me. I run and run, through corn fields and wheat and over tennis courts. He never catches me, but I just run and run.

Not so scary...but it is to me. I absolutely abhor not being in control, not knowing what is going to happen. If I was kidnapped I'd be a-okay if the person told me everything he was going to do to me, but if he didn't...I'd be terrified. Really. It's horrible. So, anyways, I'd have that dream over and over. I'd complain about it to my mom. Then she told me the secrets. You've just got to control your dreams. So we talked about it, she told me about when she controled her dreams and she told me to try. Finally one day I turned around and faced the damn vampire, and he was just a cat, and that dream dissappeared (until I had it like, 6 years later, that was very strange). I didn't realize that this was uncommon. Whenever someone would complain about a bad dream I told them to conrol their dreams. They thought I was crazy and a liar. I don't know when/how my mom learned to do it, but I'm guessing that I could do it just because since I was a very young age I was constantly told to change my dreams.

And for the most part I can. Sometimes I'll just try to put myself on a deserted island with a hot person, that never works, but I can still make little changes. You just have to force yourself to realize that you're dreaming. Sometimes I can't change it, and then I'll just stop running/escaping/fighting and let them kill me, which wakes me up. Or I'll try to wake myself up. That's the hardest...pulling yourself out of sleep. I can't even explain how to do it, but it's a long slow process in which you never know if you're dreaming or awake. That sucks the most.

So...anyways, as I said, I had a bad dream. It was really long and complicated, I can't exlain most of it. I guess I was working in this video store...or on this play...but we were all being held captive, we were all terrified. I won tickets to a concert, with the Deftones and Incubus and lotsa people (this was my radio influence, because the alt. station here is having their 5th birthday so they're having a big collective concert...that happens too, the noises around me will influence my dreams, a bad idea for me to listen to Howard Stern). My mom was with me. But there were no bands there, they just played the CDs with some fucking awesome effects on the stage, but it was still pretty lame. So we left. And I went back to the place I was being held captive. A lot of real life people were there...Robert, Jude, Jennabe, Fairie Chick, Jonna, Drew. Well, we all decided to escape one night, and we did and it was so easy and fine. We went to this park where everyone was rollerblading or skateboarding. Some roller blades appeared and I put them on. Rie (my uncle's girlfriend) was there too, saying how her track team used to rollerblade around the track some days. My dad appeared too, he said that I could rollerblade too once track season started. I didn't tell him that I wasn't running at all, not for cross country , not for track. So, I bladed around, and there was this one part that was a bit of a hang off, and a tree. Most people would just skate right up the tree trunk, off of a branch to do some nifty trick. I just jumped from the hang off and did something that looked cool in my head.

Then I ran into this girl, she was wearing pointe shoes, she wanted me to dance with her. We went to this circle, there were fountains around it, people were standing around, I agreed to dance with her. The music started, we started, and she started saying words. Shakespeare. I dont' know a damn thing about Shakespeare so I was hoping I wouldn't have to say anything, I just danced around. When I realized I wasn't dancing on pointe. It was here that I realized I was dreaming, because I thought to myself "in my dreams whatever I need appears...oh hey, I'm dreaming". But they didn't appear. I told myself to dance on my toes, it would look cool to the audience and it wouldn't hurt me because I was dreaming. I told myself to stop being an idiot, I knew how to fly (oh, another cool thing, I can fly in my dreams), dancing on my toes would be a fucking breeze. Myself didn't listen, and I just danced looking lame on flat feet.

Some idiot skateboarder ran into me. I went bitch gurl on his ass, and beat him to a pulp. Don't get in my way from dancing. The sun was starting to come up, so we all had to run home, for another day in captivity. I have to wonder if we were doing this by choice, because we were almost giddy with our fear. Would we or wouldn't we get caught?

That night we decided to sneak out again, but the game had started. I don't know what the game was, but we weren't giddy anymore. I'm guessing that we were held captive by some serial killer that killed by the phases of the moon. When the moon was in the wrong phase, he was a leniant nice captor, when the moon was in the right phase...he tried to kill us. But I have to guess that he was still a nice guy and would let the battle of the fittest determing who wouldn't be killed. Because if he were to kill us all we would have had no hope. So I don't know the details, but it's this kind of mood. We shouldn't sneak out, IT starts tomorrow. We all snuck into my room, we were too afraid to turn on a light, until I explored my own room and saw that my room was connected to two other rooms, with closed doors. So there wasn't a door into a hall, so the killer wouldn't see us. We turned on the light in my bathroom.

We tried to get dressed, ever so quietly, but some new girl kept being loud, we tried to shush her. Drew and Jennabe went across the open courtyard to get something, when they came back some censor light turned on. What were we to do? We all threw ourselves onto the bed and tried to look like we were asleep. Nothing happened. We all got up. Or rather, all but two. Robert and Jude were still lying down together. I was not happy. I hurried them up, we finished getting dressed, we examined the window, looking for some switch that would send of killer attack dogs or something. Couldn't find anything. We opened the window, nothing, we stepped down, I woke up.

Why is this so scary to me? There's got to be something I don't remember...hmm...mostly it just reminded me of this one book. It's the most flipping awesome book, even if you don't like to read or you don't like horror movies, you'll love this book. It is absolutely terrifying. The for-TV movie they made for it is pretty good too. Hang on, I need to find amazon to figure out the title (I read it a really long time ago). Okay, it's called Intensity by Dean Koontz. Read it, because that's what I kept thinking about in my dream. Hmmm...there's got to be more I'm not remembering. Ugh. But I'm already in a bad mood because of it. Bleh. Pixie