Saturday, September 15, 2001

Don't Double Talk Me

First of all, I just joined Clix, which is a diary ranking thingy, if you all loved me you'll clix me ( I tried to put it as a permenant fixture in my template, but it's not working out and I'm a wee bit lazy right now, so for now I'll just put the link and something that is half-way witty with it. You can clix me all you want, heck, do it every day. Just pretend we're doing something else ;)

Okay...Let's see, double talk, I can't stand it. I hate it when people bullshit me. My aunts (on my dad's side of the family) are known for doing this. Gena and Chole and my mom are constantly on this diet or that, this workout or that, and they try to 'support' each other by saying things like "are you sure you want to eat that? What else did you eat today?" when they're around each other. Well...I'm not a part of their little clique (really, they all act like some clique), so I never know if they're bullshitting me or not. Gena asked me if I was still running, and I said nope, not anymore, and she told me that she thinks I should keep doing it because it looks like I've lost weight. Now, I know my weight and my measurments by heart, I'm exactly aware of them, and I haven't lost either. So, I have to wonder, does she really think that I've lost weight? Or does she think I need to lose weight and I should keep running? And then, I was eating a cookie and Gena says she's surprised I don't break out. I asked her why is that, she replies because I'm always eating sweets whenever she sees me. Is she talking about my skin or my weight? I can't just have a normal conversation with any of my aunts, because there's always the questioning of do they mean this or that? And they do it to everyone, so I don't know. Ugh, but it drives me crazy. I try to look in the mirror...I haven't worn my jeans in such a long time I haven't a clue as to how they should fit...I mostly just wear drawstring pants. I look at my thong, is it snugger than before? I flex my muscles, were they always that little? Is that more flab than usual on my thighs? My weight is up a few pounds, but...I didn't think I had gained any. So, I hate it when they come over because it's always, what are they *really* trying to say? And I wish they'd just tell me!

I watched Say It Isn't So last night, a cute movie, would have been funier if I had a bit of tecquila in me. Actually, it would have been fucking hilarious, therefore I strongly recomend you consume a little alchohol before watching it. I also watched Love Story, it was made a long long time ago, my dad likes it, I've never seen it. It's a sad's not a regular movie with a regular formula, there is no obstacle to overcome, just a story. That's the reason why my dad likes it, and the reason why my mom doesn't. She reads too many trashy romance novels, so now she needs more intricate unbelievable plots in her movies for anything to be remotely comparable.

What else? Ohh...I put earings in my ears. I've got these cheap hoops, so I just took of the skinny metal part that is supposed to go in your ear, and shoved the actual hoop into my ear. Well, actually, I had to lube 'em up pretty well. I'm not going to get specific, but I will say that I felt like a gay prostitute with lube just everywhere. However, post-lube, the earrings went in without a problem, even my left one. I can already see how this is going to be addicting. Such a sense of accomplishment. I'm estimating that these hoops are like, 14g. So...tomorrow I'm going to the mall (hopefully) with Paco (hopefully) on the search for hoops that are a little bit bigger, so I don't have to buy as much jewlery. If I can get them to a 12ish I can probably use a coffee straw...and then a Q-tip stick...and then the inside of a pen, and then I should be about where I want to be and I can just order some 6g CBRs. Oh yes, and I decided my goal is 6g, not 8. Trevor has 8. Sissy boy :p The only problem with this plan is that it isn't approved by my parents, of course. They're very anti-piercings. I had to wait until I was 10 to get my ears pierced. all has to be done in secret. I'm hoping that this isn't going to be a problem. I can wear them every night when I'm *supposed* to be asleep, and then all through the morning and school until someone gets home. And even then if I'm on the comp with my headphones or if I have my hair down then I can wear them. the most I won't have them in at 7 hours a day, but I figure I can wear them for 22 hours a day on most days. Let's hope this works out.

Guess who called me...yes yes, please do guess. Everyone. Robert called me *smirk* Haha, my plan works my plan works. Don't know my next move yet. And Micheal called me...I haven't a clue as to how he got my number. Not from Fairie Chick, I talked to her yesterday (she tried to convince me to go camping with her, her mom, and a large group of middle-aged lesbians. As fun as it sounded, my parents said no), she would have told me if she had given it to him. Not from Cindi, she doesn't know it. Not from Trevor, chances are my number was written on his hand and washed off long ago. I don't think Micheal talks to I don't know how. But he was just like "is brittany there?" and I'm like "yup" and he's like "hey baby! wassup!?" <~pimp voice. I was silent. He was scared " this Brittany?" I laughed, he was relieved. I had no clue who he was. He asked me if I knew who he was. Bummer. He told me to take a guess. Micheal. Hell yes, it is true, I am psychic :) We only talked for a few minutes because he's going to the Weezer concert (lucky bastard). We talked about she was a sweet girl, how she still likes him, we joked about our love/stalking for each other, I told him I wanted him with Cindi and he was like "but you told me you loved me!" and I was like "uhh...yeah, I want you with Cindi because..well...we could have three-somes together!" *saved* He expressed his doubt in my actually wanting that. I laughed, he obviously hasn't heard the stories about me. So...short conversation. It left me giddy. So giddy that I went and downloaded a whole bunch of songs by the Hippos that I used to have, but have been to lazy to get again. But I just needed them because they make me all happy giggly. Do I like him? I don't know, he's a sweetheart, he's a cutie...he thinks that I'm sweet and beautiful, he tells me that I'm sweet and beautiful. But I'm not going to get head-over-heels for the boy. He's a nice boy, and as I've mentioned earlier, nice boys don't like girls like me. He's also a cherry. Aren't most nice boys cherries? Well, nice girls are anyway, but I'm not nice. So...once he hears about me and is around me more he'll see that I'm not the kind of girl nice boys like (except when they're on the rebound or drunk), and that will be that. However, I think he'd be a cool friend.

What else...? Umm...I think that's about it. Oh wait, I love Annie Sprinkle. For those of you not into porn, annie sprinkle is/was a popular porn star in films about water sports (if you don't know what it means...gosh I hate to corrupt minds, especially over the internet....but, okay. Water sports or water play basically involves pissing on people in a sexual manner, kay?), she's a feminist, she's Buddhist, I read about her in Shambhala Sun ( wonderful magazine, flock to it). Anyways, she's come up with "sex guidelines for the nineties" (this article was written in 99), and I think it's pretty nifty so I'm postin it here.

Step 1: Honor your sexuality and realize its incredible value.
Step 2: Do not judge yourself or others.
Step 3: Get rid of any last vestiges of sexual guilt and feelings that you don’t deserve pleasure.
Step 4: Realize that abstinence can be dangerous to your health.
Step 5: Accept the fact that we are living in the AIDS era.
Step 6: Redefine and expand your concept of sex.
Step 7: Learn to consciously feel energy.
Step 8: Realize that sex is like food.
Step 9: Learn about breathing.
Step 10: Take care of your body.
Step 11: Visualize a satisfying future for your sex life and the sex lives of future generations.
Step 12: Make time for enjoying sex.
Step 13: Make love to the earth and sky and all things.

Go have fun you guys, I'm off to make a gauger out of a Q-tip stick. I'm an eager person, what can I say? Pixie

Friday, September 14, 2001

Darwin or Newton?

One of them talked about things going wrong and such...well, whoever they were, they wrote every single law with me in mind. I'm so serious, they must have known that I would come along and they wrote them for me. Starting with last night...I slept for like, six hours in the day time, so I was up pretty late last night. I was bored, had nothing to do, so what seemed logical? Why, starting to stretch my ears, of course! So, I grabbed a pair of earings just to open up the holes a bit (since I don't wear earrings). The right one was great, I had to push a little bit to get it in, but it worked out fine. The left one...closed up. The back was closed up entirely, and the front was giving me a lot of resistance. I pushed and pushed and pushed, it only went about 3/4 of the way through. What to do? What to do? I grabbed a needle, of course. I figured I could just stick the needle through the back, and then it would be all good, not so. I pushed the needle through where I *thought* the hole used to be (this was a big guestimate, because there was a bit of scar tissue around the old hole, but I couldn't tell the difference, and you're not supposed to pierce scar tissue).Well, either that wasn't the hole or I pushed the needle in crooked, because if I put my earing in backwards I could get it about 3/4 of the way. If I pushed it in frontwards, I could get it in about 3/4 of the way, but they weren't meeting. This isn't really a problem, since I'm stretching my earlobes so it'll be stretched away soon, but quite frustrating. I figured I had shed enough blood and went to sleep a little angry. I know, you're saying, but Brittany, you love piercing! You want to pierce your own nipples! Well, piercing is good and fine and I do plan on piercing my own nipples, but it's only nice when you're expecting to pierce it and you have the right stuff. Not to mention piercing your own ear is hard as hell because of where it is. Today after school I messed around a little bit more, and I did it. But I can only get the earring through backwards, which is okay for now because I'm using hoops, but it's a little frustrating. There was more blood than I expected there to be. It was strange, because people always say it doesn't hurt, just feels weird and you can feel a little pop, and it didn't hurt, it just felt weird and I could feel the little pops. went to school. We're not supposed to wear flipflops, and every day in the daily announcements they remind us of that. My teacher *jokingly* said to this girl that she was breaking dresscode, and she immediatly got deffensive and mad and said that they couldn't d that because it wasn't written in the rules. The teacher, *jokingly* said that she could go talk to the dean about it, so she gets up and huffs out. An hour later she comes back - wearing sneakers, very angry, slamming things around. It's a bummer that she didn't see it was a joke. My teacher told me (I was wearing flip flops too) that my shoes were nice, and I smiled at him and said that he should get a pair because they're sooo comfy. He smiled. It could have been that easy for her too, but nope. I felt bad for her, she was one angry blonde.

Geometry was okay. We're doing group work which is weird because I'm not used to doing that in math. Right now I'm working with Cupcake and Shane (cupcake is a boy, btw). Cupcake hangs out in the theater so he's aware, and how wacky I can get, Shane has never met me before. The teacher kept saying "get intp your threesomes" and Shane was like "hehe, this is the second time I've had a threesome in two days" (we did it last class too) and I was just like "ahh, the memories of summer". Cupcake laughed because he knows I'm so serious, Shane stared in shock. I don't think he knew if we were kidding or not. Cupcake asked me if it was true that Josh was going to pay me and Fairie Chick 20 bucks to make out, and I told him yeah but he couldn't raise the money. Shane stared in shock. Cupcake says to Stevan (who was in my careers class last year, which is basically the first place I came out, along with Shanna, another bi chick) that me and Fairie were going to make out, and Steven starts laughing saying that last year they tried to raise money to see me and Shanna make out, but they only had a buck 75 between them. Shane stared in shock. I was cussing more than usual (at my paper, at Cupcake and Shane, at my pen, at my math book) and they were like, gosh aren't you in a bad mood! Are you PMSing? and I was like, no no I need to get laid (*cough cough* I haven't had any time with myself lately) and Shane stared in shock, recovered his senses and said "all you gotta do is ask!"It was rather amusing. I have to wonder though, is it that easy to get a guy to have sex? Well, of course, I know guys. I have guys for best friends. I really do, gotta think it's easier than that. Now I know why chicks have all the power.

Then PE. Yuck. Our teacher tricked us! Since we don't have enough tennis courts, about half the class has got to bounce the tennis balls against a wall and practice our forehand and backhand. Sara and I were excited. The wall was in the shade. There would be no teacher. Haha. There was a slope right behind our little section of cement so whenever we'd miss the ball we had to go chasing after it. I sweated more then than I did playing tennis, yuck.'re probably wondering why I don't talk about each break seperatly, between the classes. Well, that's because I usually can't differentiate between the two in my memory. Well, I know that on second break we had to leave the drama room because the teacher had to run an errand, so all of us freaks got pushed out into the hallway, with the rest of our school's citizens. Usually we act no different than we normally would, because...well, because we forget that the rest of the school isn't like us, and because we like to scare them a little bit. Micheal was going around to everyone saying "give me a hug!", so JD tried it too. He was wearing a button up shirt with a shirt underneath, so he would open up his shirt and say "give me a hug!". Jude saw him from behind and was like, "it looks like you're flashing everyone!". Aha, just the inspiration we needed. So JD starts going "happy birthday" and smiling...well, his version of seductivly to people in the hallways. Then genius hit us. He stuck a bottle down his pants, making it look very much like he had a boner, and started opening his shirt going "happy birthday!". Some mormon girls ran away, the school police officer gave us a dirty look, and a football player tackled him down. was funny. We all danced around and acted stupid, as per usual.

I talked to Robert...I stood very very close to him and asked him why he never called me...he told me he was always busy or tired and described his day. I pouted, I put my face very very close to his (well, the boy has grown a bit so, you know...I did the best I could) and told him in the naughtiest voice I could manage "well, you should try to call me...sometime". That was second break. First break I hugged him and I was like "when are we going to have sex?" This was a common thing with us last year, back in the day, hasn't happened so much now. He was like "uhh...we could have sex now!" and I was like, oh is that waht that bed is for (a bed magically appeared in the theater room). We joked around a little more, I asked him what's up, he said "actually, me". Haha, funny. Well...we shall see if he calls. If he doesn't, I give up.

Anything else? Uhh...the bi chick that I've mentioned before (I need to give her a name...let's call her...Tiffany. Okay, because I don't know any other Tiffany's and the bi chick has a very unusual name and I try not to use too many real names because it's my choice to share *my* life, but I haven't got a right to share hers). Okay, so, Tiffany, the one who was playing with my hair yesterday, is the chick equivelant of a guy with an overload of horomones. I saw her hugging some girls this morning, absolutely grabbing their asses. I'm assuming they're straight, just because queer people usually know who every other queer person in a 10 mile vicinity. I should also mention that Tiffany isn't out. So, that was just a little strange. I was eating a rice krispie treat on my way to geometry, taking big bites because I was already late and I didn't want to have to throw it away. So I'm chewing when I see her. She asks me what's up, my mouth is full so I just make some noises that resemble "I'm eating a rice krispie treat", she grabs my by the hips (it's hard to's like, she was facing me, she grabbed my hip bones, kinda...) and pulls me to her and is just like, that's cool. It tickled a bit so I laughed in that way that you laugh when your mouth is still full, and we go on our seperate ways. I can't explain it, but I find her to be incredibly...intriguing. I know S. says she doesn't like me, and I know that she likes S., but, if she did like me it could be fun. I'm entirely positive that she can seperate sex from romance, which is good for me right now. I don't know, just the way that she's so...sexual. I mean, I don't know, it's hard to explain. I consider myself to be a very sexual, physical person, but...I can't explain it. She looked cute today though.

Oh...and Micheal likes me. Cindi's ex. How do I know this? Well, he hits on me. He hugs me a lot, just gives out all the signals, and in PE Cindi told me. They're not really talking, but they were passing notes and I guess out of no where he's like, yeah I have a crush on this chick named Brittany, and Cindi's like oh I don't know her, and he's like, well she says she's in your PE class. Then it hits her and she's like, ooh! *that* Brittany. And I guess he told her about how I was sweet and pretty and so nice and closer to his age (he's 16, she's 14, I'm 15). So, that's a little weird. I don't really know him, but I think I'll give him my number just because he's such a sweetheart. Pixie

Thursday, September 13, 2001


As I've said before, I feel this strange...okayness with myself. I can't explain it, I can't describe it, but the easiest way to put it is that I feel okay with myself. I don't love my body or my mind, I don't think I'm brilliant, I don't think that I'm wonderful, but I feel okay. That sounds like a bad thing...but it's not, it's a really good thing, I just feel very grounded. Okay, I know how to explain it. You know in those pictures that have one solid object and everything around them is moving? That's totally it. I feel like I'm grounded and I'm here, everything's just going by so fast, but that's okay too.

I going to go to Wal Mart tomorrow, if weather permits. The thing about Wal Mart is that I've gotta walk because it's so close my parents won't take me. But it's far enough for me to be sweaty by the time I reach home. Actually, if it wasn't for the damn parking lot it would be infinetly closer. And, also, my parents are more of a get in, get out, get on with it kind of people, which I'm not up to doing. Wal Mart has got this serene quality for me...whenever I was just spending too much time at home, being angry at myself and my parents I'd need to get out. There wasn't any place to go, because my parents mostly don't let me. I'd just go to wal mart and walk around for hours, not even know where the time went. I think my parents thought I was lying about where I was going and my bet is that they followed me a few times to see what I was *really* doing, because now they don't give me shit about spending three hours at Wal Mart. So...I kind of need it right now.

I need lipgloss. One of my little quirks is that I bite my lips, peeling of the skin and just chew-chew-chewing. It all started when I had braces because I'd run my lips over the metal, ripping my lips and you just sorta stuck. It comes especially strong when I think a lot, which I have been, so I need lip gloss, I'm all out. I need film. I promised my website pictures, but haven't put any up because I haven't gotten them from Boston (they should have been her on Saturday...), but I want pictures of myself, and of my friends and the ones I love, the ones that make me happy. I'll probably try to sneak in a few pictures of people I don't know but adore from afar. I don't know how or where, but...I'll try, somehow. All the pictures I have of myself are mostly with me in really lazy or really pretty clothes, so everyone either sees me and thinks hey, she's so lazy! she never gets off her bum! what's wrong with the girl? or they see them and go my god she's so normal-looking! why is she talking about fuck-me boots and people giving her strange looks for her clothing? what's wrong with that girl?

I'm going to coordinate an over-the-top goth day with Fairie Chick, so we can have purty pictures of us together...and I want pictures of Fuzzy Bag Chick, and S., Duck, Trevor, Kristin, Marshall of course (marshall! ooh), and...who else? Jessy, Sara, Chinese Jason, Robin, Paco, Robert, Drew, Jennabe, maybe I'll even get some of Poodle Girl and Sperm Girl. People I admire from afar....Jude, Bree M., that chick with bleach blonde hair on my bus...we shall see.

Oh my gosh! Sperm Girl's new best friend is in my English class :/ How do I know she's Sperm Girl's best friend? Well because back when Sperm Girl would still send me the massive e-mailings that she sent to everyone, she'd always rattle on and on about Blonde Jessica, and how blonde she was and blah blah blah. So I know. It's really strange, because it's like, *that's* who she has to take my spot, the spot that was labeled with BEST FRIEND? I wonder if Sperm Girl looks at Fairie Chick and wonders the same thing. I'm sure she does. It's not like we're like "ewww, she chose that person!?" it's just like, oh wow, didn't expect that one. So, it's kind of strange. I don't think she knows who I am, or rather, who I was. Pixie

A Strange Day

Today was a funny day, just kind of surreal, then again, everything is. Chemistry was the teacher was gone again, very frustrating not having anyone to help you when you're lost. It was just funny conversation between me, Kyle, Zach, and the chick who sits next to me. Everything from porn to...uhh...Kyle getting two chick slaves two summers ago at the Ren Fair. I think I shocked them, surprise surprise. Kyle was saying you should just get your porn videos off the net and I was like, naw, it takes too long, even with a cable modem, and Zach's like "don't deny it, you know you've tried" and I was just like "I never said I didn't". Silence. Fun...

Fuzzy Bag Girl likes me, ooh ooh! First break I was waiting in line at the snack shop because they hadn't opened yet and well, I always got the feeling Fuzzy Bag Chick didn't like me and she was standing next to me so I just didn't look at her, and she was like "Brittany, are you okay?" I was so shocked, because I didn't expect her to talk to me at all, or ask me something like that, and I didn't want to be like "actually I was just trying to avoid making eye contact with you" so I made up some lame excuse about homework. Lame, I know. Later on Fairie Chick was like "ooh! Fuzzy Bag Chick likes you!" and I was like what?? And she explained it to me. Somehow it came up that Fuzzy Back Chick not liking Jonna for a while, and she was just like "yeah, you know, some people just have quirks that get annoying after a while, it's just human, like me, if I don't know someone I just hate them, but it's so stupid because I never get a chance to know someone because I"m too busy not liking them", and then I guess she said that she had always sorta disliked me, just because she didn't know me or anything, but the other day she saw me and I was crying and she felt so horrible for disliking me when she didn't even know me and I was such a nice sweet girl, so that's very cool. I've always had this sort of respect for Fuzzy Bag Chick...Jessy used to be friendly with her and they'd talk about makeup and stuff, but there was always just this tension, mostly from Biscuit, and when she went out with him it just got worse. So...I'm just happy she likes me. I saw her after school and she had her hair in these twistie things that looked sooo awesome and I was just like wow your hair is so cute, and it was just kind of nice. You could just tell that we were cool with each other, her by asking me how I was, me by complimenting her hair. I think we could actually be good friends.

Like everyone else in theater she's got awesome style...of course her name is because she's got this fuzzy messanger bag. Her make-up is always rockin', and today she was wearing red contacts with yellow around the pupils. I sorta look like her, in a really weird way. It's just when I do my make-up a certain way my eyes look like hers...not that they're done up the same way, but there's something inside them that's the same, I can't explain it. It was so weird though, because when you do your makeup you're so busy looking at whatever feature that it's a shock when you step back and look at your whole face, and I just saw her in me, or maybe it's the other way around. I don't know. Maybe there's something else there that some people have.

So, I'm happy about that. First break Cindi came by in the theater, that's Micheal's ex...the girl who's slept with quite a few people. I don't know if she felt awkward being there, but it was cool. We and a few other people just sat down in a little pow wow circle. Spanish was cool. This guy that sits next to me, Ramon, likes me. Very obvious, but really annoying. I don't know...he doesn't even know me, he's just seen me twice and that's it, and it freaks me out that people can like me after just that. Or think they do, anyway. We went into the cafeteria for a fiesta, we had carne al sada, chips, salsa, rice, beans, all that good stuff. It was really really yum. S. was in the caf too because her group was writing a sketch for theater. The bi chick I've mentioned before has weirded me out a little bit. When I was leaving the theater on break she grabbed me by my wrist and was just like "hey!", but she's tall and I wouldn't have seen her otherwise. But she started playing with my hair (*orgasm* I absolutely adore it when people play with my hair. I will love you if you brush or play with my hair, I'm so serious about this), and then she was like, so were you and S. together? and I was just like sorta...and then she was like well was she any good? I'm like dude, I don't even know you! Apparently she's really into S, which is a bummber because S doesn't like her :/

So, anyways, the food was good. Yum yum yum. My teacher was asking for money to pay back the girl whose mom had made and bought the meat. 3 bucks from anyone. When I gave my money he was worried that he would have enough, and I said 3 bucks from everyone should definetly be enough, but he just sighed and said if everyone paid. Then he pointed out that if you paid more than 4 bucks for whateve ryou bought you didn't have to pay. I just shrugged and said I didn't know how much the chips cost (two big bags of Tostidos) but I wanted the girl to get paid. He was just like, you're so sweet! And later on I was sitting down on this little platform in the middle of the caf with a few people and he helped me up and spun me around, it was fun.

Paco stole the orange soda, because we're a little obsessive about orange soda so he grabbed the bottle because it was almost full and I stole it and he was like no! and I was like "haha I've got it and you're not getting it back" and I ran away, just laughing. Gisel started to laugh at me and said I'm such a cute goof. She thinks it's because of my clothes. Today I was wearing big, baggy blue pants, and my green boy's shirt with flip flops, comfy clothes. Oh yeah...Gisel and I were talking about people and sex and stuff, and she was so surprised to find out I'd never had sex. I was just as surprised to find out she hadn't either. In English I was talking to Fairie Chick and she said she was surprised when she found out about me too. It's not that we thought we all slept around, it was just that we looked at each other, saw that we were all pretty atractive, guys liked us...they just figured that we had found someone we wanted to have sex with. Why is it such an issue now?

Second break we all pow-wowed again. Micheal came in with a violin and played some music, much to our applause, me, S., Kristen, Biscuit, Duck, and basically everyone just sat around in a circle, it was kind of nice. Josh was hitting on me, but that's okay. I don't know...just, I don't feel that I want a relationship right now, and I'm really uncomfortable with someone liking me in an emotional way. I can't cuddle with S. because I know everything is emotional for her, I can't cuddle with Duck because I worry that he might start to feel that way. It's okay for me to cuddle with Josh because I know if he likes me at all it's purely physical, and that's okay. I'm just uncomfy with people liking me in other ways :/

Then English...we had a sub. Mostly we were just in the library talking in front of the computer screens. Fairie Chick was 80s-ed out. Wearing black leggings with hole-y red leggings over it, a black/red/white plaid skirt that she fringed on the end, and a black shirt that said STAR that had paint all over it (her and Biscuit got in a paint fight while they were painting the set last night). Manda was with us...she and Fairie Chick used to be best friends. I asked Fairie when Manda left why was Manda so...over the top. She said that she thinks it's just because she feels like me and Fairie are so close that she just has to burst for us to pay her any attention. It's just that we don't know any of the same people. Manda's very into the social scene, and she'll be proud that she was at so-and-so's house, but we have no idea who so-and-so is. We'll talk about people we know, especially gay people we know, and Manda wants to know who, but she doesn't know them either.

Oh yes, and we all have purple ribbons on. Fairie's boyfriend (who another guy reffered to as big and scary, lol) was wearing like, 9 of them. He's worried for family. It's horrible to watch the news right now...but I just keep thinking you know, life has got to go on. It's good to mourn, it's great to pray and help how you can, and I'll keep doing that, but I can't spend such a long time being upset over this. Pixie

Wednesday, September 12, 2001

They Don't Like My Words

So...a lot of people don't like what I have to say. The nice thing about this is that people can stop whenever they want, and if you keep reading it's your own fault. So, what radical thoughts have I come up with? How about not killing innocent people!? As one person so tactfully put it "I want to make Afghanistan into a parking lot." Many people agree, they don't care who dies. They think that because these horrible people did it to us that we should do it to them.

Guess what? Those people were monsters, they were monsterous horrible cruel people. If we go and kill innocent people in their countries we're just as bad. You can't justify killing innocent people. I proposed to one person, what if the terrorists took your family, your mom, your dad, your little brothers and sisters hostage in their country? Would you still be happy to nuke them? They responded yes, they'd still be happy.

Someone accused me of not caring, asking me if it had effected me at all? Of course it has. Fuck, I started *praying* to every diety and god I could think of. I stood up and said the pledge of allegiance yesterday (the first time in a few years...just because i don't understand what it's all about, i don't agree that my country is under God and I think it's a little presumptious to have that in the pledge for a place where we're known four our diversity...but that's not the point). I'm constantly crying while watching the news, contstanly hearing screams of terror in my head (thanks to the news...). I feel so helpless and shocked and terrified. I totally realize that that could have happened three weeks ago, it could have been on a Boston to Vegas flight and I could have been on it. That's scary. It's scary that they're not finding any bodies in the WTC, that's fucking horrifying. It means all those people are dead or they will be dead by the time we get to them.

And they say I don't care...that I'm so nonchalant about it. Guess what? It's not true. I care, I think about it, I'm terrified. I just don't think that more innocent lives taken is the answer. In a UNLV middle eastern politics class one chick was quoted saying "murder is murder, if you're going to bomb people, you're just killing more people." Maybe I'm not so alone in my views. I totally think we should do everything we can to find the people responsible and get justice, but I can't condone the killing of innocent people, I just can't. I'm sorry if that's unpatriotic or incredibly naive or whatever you want to call me, I'm sorr if you think that it means I don't care, but it's what I think. I never have thought innocent people should die. I think that this is horrifying, it's tragic, and it's never going to be forgotten, but it doesn't justify the killing of innocent people.

Perhaps you people who dissagree have never seen a child play. Have you ever seen a child play? A child cry? Think of all the babies, the infants, the toddlers, the kids who are too young to know what's going on, who only say what their parents tell them. You'd be killing them. Destroying them. Think about the women who don't even have a say about whether or not they can leave their house. Do you think that they were the ones helping out the terrorists? Not likely. You'd be killing them. You'd be killing peaceful men who had nothing to do with it except that they live in a certain country and practice a certain faith.

To all you people who think we should just drop bombs, I'll just call you nazis. Yup, I think so. Because that's what you're want to wipe out an entire set of people, an entire religion, an entire race, an entire country, not because you've ever been there and you know personally what it's like to live there, because you know exactly what the fuck is going on, but because you're just hearing and seeing what they want you to see. So there's video tape of people partying, they didn't show any videotape of people mourning, that doesn't mean they weren't there. You hear that the Prez wants to punish those that harbored and helped the criminals. What about the people who died who tried to fight against them? I don't know if they were there, but you don't know that they weren't.

You're just believing what they tell you to believe and not forming your own opinions. Hmm, that sounds a little reminicent of nazi soldiers to me. On TV this FBI guy was saying how he doesn't believe that THE GUY (whose name I forgot, but you know who) did it, and the reporter's like, well everyone says that THE GUY is the only person with all the resources, and the FBI guy was like, no, he's the only guy that YOU know that has those resources, other people are out there. I'm not saying I have any answers to any questions or problems, I don't, I don't have anything. And I'm selfishly happy that I"m not the person who has to supply a nation those answers, but I'm sad that people aren't seeing what they answers shouldn't be.

My project is coming along great...I got a canvas, Mod Podge (the real shtuff!), glue, and an xacto knife. I spent ohh...four hours going through the newspaper cutting out quotes and pictures. I've got enough words, not enough images, so I'm just waiting for tomorrow's paper. I think it will be really really good. Pixie
This information is courtesy from the mambo goddess (, if you have a credit card, please please please go here and donate. They've gotten over a million so far but please please, they need all they can get. Ask your parents, I know you're thinking they'd never do it, I'd never think my mom would be into it but she actually said this morning if she still had her nursing liscence she'd drive to NYC to help out. This is my mom, so unexpected. You never know what your parents will say, ask them please please. The second my mom gets home I'm asking her. Pixie
I Feel A Part Of It All...But Still Alone

I wrote a short buddhist prayer on my hand today, my little political activism of the day. I was going to write a longer one on a shirt, but I realized I don't own any tee shirts. So it had to suffice. Om mani padme hum. I know this sounds very strange, but as I was surfing through Buddhist prayer sites on the web I just felt very...not peaceful, but very close to myself. I felt like one with myself instead of so many different parts of me just pulling apart and yelling at each other. I lit some of the incense Jeff gave me (which I do every night I'm awake in my room late at night when everyone else is asleep) and I just sat in a lotus for a really long time. It was actually only a few minutes, but it felt like a long time. It's been so long since I've meditated...I was just so tired though, I felt physically tired and actually went to bed at an almost decent hour. So...right now I'm feeling very buddhist...just because it's like, that was the thing that comforted me last night. Just saying prayers to myself and thinking about what Jeff told me about buddhism. If you don't know, I've been into just about every religion, looking for one that suits me. Well, most don't. was just really comforting. And I thought of all the other people sitting there praying, whether they were Jewish, Mormon, Muslim, or Catholic, and I really felt peaceful, in a weird sort of way.

Today was really...well, it was what could be expected. I'm proud of my school. During first class at 9:45 there was an announcement over the intercom to observe a moment of silence with the rest of Las Vegas, and it was just so quiet. We had been reading, so it was quiet anyway, but it was a different sort of silence. We all just sat there with our eyes closed. Then the intercom-lady (was she the principal? dean? secretary? I haven't got a clue) gave a lovely speech. People were getting teary eyed. It was better than the President's, I will say that. Just about community and coming together and how tragic it was. You could tell she was crying as she said it, and you could tell it wasn't written down. Then she asked us all to sing our great nation's anthem (she mentioned that our nation's leaders didn't recite speeches they'd never written, but instead just stood on the steps and sang, so we did too), let our voices unite. The varsity choir was there and they started it out, we were all standing up tall with our hands over our hearts, most people just moved their lips because they were too shy to really sing. I started to really sing, a little louder than the rest, then the girl next to me got a little louder too and soon more voices were singing. Our door was open and you could just hear the whole school singing, and for once I felt like people really did care. I felt like we all realized how tragic it was. Maybe it was stupid, but it was the most beautiful, sorrowful thing I've ever heard.

I'm going to make a mod-podge collage of things from the newspaper about it, if it's any good I might send it to the RJ, we shall see. The rest of the day went accordingly. Duck kept trying to hit on me, ugh. I love Duck to pieces, he's one of my best friends, but I was just like goddamn, today should be a day to be sad and reflect and he was just kissing my neck and biting me, I got a little angry with him. I just wasn't in the mood for it. And while I do love Duck, I don't like him that way and I don't want him to like me because I don't want to break his heart. This stuff he's doing has got to stop because that's not what I want right now and I wish he'd understand that about me. Ugh.

I saw Sperm Girl, we hugged tightly. In PE we played tennis...Sara (my partner, that's Jess's best friend) and I got to play against Marie and Traci, which was cool because they're the only people we talk to. I got a shocker today. Traci lost her virginity when she was 12 (to someone that was 21) and has slept with 13 other guys since. I'm not one to judge, especially not about that, but I was just surprised. I was just as surprised as she was when she found out I was a virgin. So that's my shocker of the day. I've got a blister on the back of my left foot, so I was playing with one shoe on and one shoe off.

Nate upset me on the bus. He was saying how he didn't see why it was a big deal, shit happens, life goes on. I couldn't believe it. I'm sitting here being angry that I can't give blood, that I can't offer a home for stranded people to stay (but apparently a few Las Vegans went down to the airport to offer people places to stay, which I thought was really cool, but it's not really a problem here because we've just got so many hotel rooms. I guess a lot of hotels lowered their prices to being dirt cheap, like 20 bucks a night, but a few hotels were jerks and raised their prices to 200 bucks a night. Assholes. However, according to the newspaper only a handful of people slept in the airport). Nate was also saying we should bomb the countries where Muslims come from, even if innocent people die.

That's so unfair. Guess what, not every Muslim was a part of this! Not ever Middle-Easterner was a part of this! My mom's best friend is married to a Muslim man, and she and her two daughters have entirely adopted the Muslim religion. Should we kill them? Who had nothing to do with it? Should we kill the children? Should we kill the women who have almost no rights in so many of those countries? Hell no. I don't know if I mentioned this, but my mom and I were debating it yesterday (well, not really, when my mom and I debate usually we're on the same side with just a few different ideas, but still on the same side, so we just ask thought-provoking questions) and she asked me "what if 99 guilty were killed for every one innocent?". No, I'm against it. Innocent people SHOULD NOT DIE. Period. That's as bad as sending all the Japanese to camps just because their country bombed us.

As my world history teacher pointed out, when you're in America, you're american before you're anything else. Look at my mom's school, almost entirely Mexican, most of them lived in Mexico at some time. Did they say "well it's a good thing this isn't happening in my REAL country?" no. Maybe they never considered themselves americans before but they do now. And, Bush said that those who harbored terrorists were just as guilty as the terrorists. Well, as my world history teacher also pointed out, there are a lot of things you'll do that you normally wouldn't do when men with AK-47s force themselves into your house. Let's think logically. You can A: resist them and be killed, and they'll just stay in your house anyway, or B: just try to stay the fuck out of their way and stay alive, or C: call the cops, but they've got connections so you'll just dissapear. What's logical? Mmhm, I thought so. I don't know what the Afghanistan government and police are like, but my bet is that they're just as corrupt there as they are here. Anyone who knows the right people can make a call, and that's that. made me very angry that Nate felt that way. Normally I like the boy, but...he just shrugged and said he must be desensitized or something. That's bullshit, NOTHING in this world can desensitize you so much that having at least TWENTY THOUSAND people dying won't effect you. My mom was saying that if she still had her nursing liscence (it's like halfway there. So it's easy to get it back, but she can't legally practice) she'd drive up to NYC to help out, which I thought was very cool. American Red Cross is accepting cash donations, and of course blood banks are still going strong (apparently there's a waiting list of a few days, but people are still going and waiting in line, they set up some stations on the strip too). I think it's a really beautiful thing the way everyone's coming together to help out. There are flowers on the front doors of all the American embassy's, European flags are flying half staff. It's a beautiful horrible thing.

The newspaper was also saying how the car rental agencies were so shocked because people weren't angry or yelling about there being no cars. No one cares, everyone's just happy to be alive. Everyone's realizing how small they are in the world, but at the same time how they can make a difference. It's just..amazing. But, at the same time, it's infinitely sad too. Pixie Oh yes, and people, if there's anything I can do whatsoever for anyone, I don't know what I can really do, but if you think I can help in anyway, even just to talk, my e-mail is always open, I check it like, 12 times a day, and my AIM name is TwisterChick69, I'm on and off throughout the day, just let me know. I can't think of anything, but if you can, I'll help in any way possible.

Tuesday, September 11, 2001

Update #2

My mom is home, we talked. Oh, just a note, my family *loves* to debate, especially my mom and I. We enjoy coming up with hard questions to prove your theories and thoughts wrong, not to be mean, but to make you think more. So, when people like Nate, who hates debate pointed out that he hates it when I do that to him and he wishes me to stop, it's really confusing for me. I'm so not used to not being able to do that. So we were debating about how to punish the people who did we bomb Afghanistan? What do we do?

My thoughts are totally against that. If you're going to bomb a place and kill 99 guilty people and 1 innocent, I'd rather not have anyone die. I don't care how many people supported it or gave money to it, it's not worth killing innocent lives. We'd be just as bad as they are. What about the children? What about the women who have almost no say what-so-ever in their lives? What about the men that were against it? I'm not for killing innocent people, I don't care how many guilty would be killed too. While I do think the terrorists should be brought forth and punished, I don't think it should happen while risking the lives of innocents.

I started thinking...I want to talk to the Dali Lama, I want to see what he thinks, how he feels. I wonder if it hurts him more to see this anger and hate and death. I wonder how Mother Theresa would feel if she were alive, or Ghandi. Would it hurt them more? Would they feel like their hearts were breaking to see the people die? Or would they just be as sad as the rest of us?

Oh, and Bush is horrible for giving speeches. No emotion whatsoever, some las vegas chick on the news showed more emotion. Pixie
Update #1

Following the allmighty lemming I'll probably be updating all day, just talking and schtuff. I'm afraid I can't be of service with helping people make phone calls because I don't pay the phone bill and don't know if my parents would be cool with it. I'm also bummed that I'm too young to give blood or anything, I feel so useless. However, I really encourage all of you to do all you can for all this, even if it's just saying a prayer or blessing.


I haven't a clue as to what that means, but Heather had it in her journal, I'm taking it to be a prayer or blessing of some kind, so just say it with me, okay? It's really sad but I'm feeling a sense of community right now. A neighbor just came over and told me to put our flag at half mast...well, no one is home and I haven't a clue how, so he helped me do it. This guy I never met before, who just lived down the street. And I went across the street to tell her to do hers, but she wasn't home. Just talking to people about it...being really brings people together, and that's pretty sad...isn't it true though? You won't know half of your family until someone dies and they all show up at the funeral. That's the only way I ever met my Great Aunt Gail and Great Uncle Dan (who, are in Washington DC, we don't really keep in contact but once my mom gets home we're giving them a ring), that's the only reason I ever met their kids, Danny and Abby. If it wasn't for my granddad dying they would just be these wealthy relatives from DC, that we met once when we were babes (we being my brother and I).

Oh yes, and one final note, on the poem I wrote, it wasn't about a particular person. I wasn't talking about Biscuit or an ex-boyfriend when I said "I thought you'd love me, but you didn't" or whatever it was that I said. I was talking about myself and my parents and the world and everything. Mostly about myself. I thought I could love myself, but I couldn't, I thought I could try, but I wouldn't. You know? Right now I feel that it's all really insignificant though. I'm just going to roll on...Pixie
I Am Not A Patriot

But if I ever find out who the fucker was that killed my people I will torture and hurt them in every way I can. Every single way I can come up with and like I said before, I'd be a fucking creative killer. And I would hurt those people in a horrible horrible way. I know, it's only more killing and more violence, it won't make anything really better, but it will make me *feel* better. I really have to wonder, when did the first human think to themselves hey, I know what I'll do, I'll just kill them to get my way. Was it over a cave? Was it over a hut of sticks. I want to know who they were and what they thought was so important they could take a LIFE for it. And why is it that these days we don't think of it as LIVES BEING TAKEN AWAY, we think of it as being a solution to our problems, and it should never be like that. It's a tragedy...I woke up this morning early, because I had plans to do my makeup very pretty, and I did. And I got dressed (skin tight black pants, black tank, fishnets over my arms, this is important for other happenings in the day), when the TV was turned on, right after the phone rang. My mom started saying "oh my god....oh my god, jesus christ", she started banging on my door telling me to hurry up and watch TV. On the TV there were buildings smoking...people dying.

I hurried to school to get where I felt safe. Not really safe at school, but safe with my friends, with people who care. I found Fairie Chick...she doesn't watch the news, she wasn't really interested but was a little sad. I had no one else to talk to, so I went to Chemistry to get help on the homework. My teacher commented my eyes were watery...I told him I was thinking about all the people who were dying. He had a meeting, so our class had nothing to do so we turned on the TV. No one cared, no one cares. That makes me almost as angry as the fuckers who did it. A table of bottle blondes were talking about their boyfriends, and who was or wasn't going to the football game on Friday. Can you believe it? Thousands of people were dying, and they cared about the goddamn football game.

My table, we tried to get everyone to shut up so we could hear the TV, for a little while they did. I started to cry. In the theater Duck and Jonna were "pre-war cuddling". I joined them. Drew, Micheal, and Marshall came over too. It seemed like everyone was hugging someone or holding someone's hand. The general vibe was still kind of upbeat, happy, but you could tell that people were just thinking about things. Things they hadn't thought about before.

Next was Spanish, we didn't talk about it at all, just went on with our lessons, and for a second I forgot that people were dying. That made me even sadder, because I knew a lot of people didn't care, they didn't give a damn, they just forgot and thought it would go away. I don't want to be one of those people who thinks if I close my eyes the killing will just stop. Tristan was cute as ever, he's a senior, btw. I don't really know why I like him, but I like to hear him laugh.

Second break was a lot more...joyful. They told me to cheer up, I tried. I cannot believe how much I was being hit on. I was hoping that everyone would leave me alone in my all black, that's what I wanted because of the whole cutting thing, but it wasn't happening. This new kid in my spanish class was like "hey, I want a hug" when Robin hugged me after reading my poem. I walked into the theater, and saw someone I knew in middle school (he's a year younger) walking out and he was like "hey, you look nice" and his friend was like "damn, who was that?" Then Josh appears, and he was telling me I was sexy...Duck was telling me I was hot, S. wanted huggles. I was being dragged off and hit on everywhere. Everyone was hugging me and tickling me and kissing my neck and stuff. On the one hand, I was really really flattered, it definetly cheered me up because I've felt so ugly and horrible about myself lately (I know, I know, I feel ugly and horrible not because I am, not because other people think I am, but because *I* think I am. I totally control my self esteem...but it was a mood-booster). On the other hand, I felt guilty because I'd just think of all the other people dying, and on the third hand I was like too bad I'm in school because I could totally be getting my groove on.

Micheal...he broke up with his girlfriend. She was a freshman in my PE class, he's a junior, I was bummed to find out because just yesterday she was telling me how happy she was to be with him. He was hitting on me too, from the nice guy approach. "you're so sweet..." to which Duck said "he still wants to get into your pants, he's just trying to sweet talk his way into it", we all laughed. Even Robert hit on me.

In English we just worked on our project. Fairie Chick, Amanda, Ashlee and I are doing our project on Grace O'Malley, an Irish Pirate Chick.

The Hoover Dam is closed, so is Lake Mead, Nellis Air Force Base School is closed, the Boulevard Mall is closed...all shut down. Everyone is just scared. They say this is my generations Pearl Harbor. Except Pearl Harbor wasn't targeted towards civilians. It wasn't designed to kill thousands of civilians, innocent people. It just makes me cry. I have to wonder, yesterday, was that emptyness my mourning? This sounds fucking crazy but it's happened a few times before. I'd just feel really sad and empty, for no reason, but then something really sad would happen. Someone would die...someone would kill themselves or be killed. Well, I'm going to go cry some more, and those moronic bottle blondes are probably just mad the mall is closed. I never really believed in God, but I'm praying for those people anyway.Pixie

Monday, September 10, 2001

I Thought

I thought I was strong, but I was weak,
I thought I was loud, but I was meek,
I thought I was powerful, but I held no power,
I thought I was sweet, but I was actually sour.
I thought I could live, not wanting to die,
I tought I could be honest, not telling a lie,
I thought I was beautiful, turnes out I'm not,
I thought you'd remember me, but you just forgot.
I thought you might love me, but it turns out you don't,
I thought you might try anyway, but I found out you won't.
I thought I could forget you, just say goodbye,
I thought I could live, but I think I'll just die.
I thought I'd get better, and learn to live,
I thought I could stop being selfish, and just give give give,
I thought that my scars would heal, but they're still there,
I thought I could say no, but I wouldn't dare.
I thought I could stop, just throw away my razor blade,
But there are always new ones, waiting to be made.
I thought that you'd notice, that I'm no longer fine,
But you never cared, you just thought I was lying.
I thought I could handle, living without it,
But it doesn't just go away, does it?

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not being better, I'm sorry for always being worse. I'm sorry that I'm weak and that I'm afraid to live. Because every time I try it just doesn't work out. Everytime I say hey I can get better it doesn't last. It won't ever last. I'm just too weak, too weak to live and to feel, to weak to be happy, to weak to love, to weak to smile a true smile. Too weak to think, too weak to try. To afraid to try. To afraid of life. I'm sorry that that's who I am. I'll never get better. I was stupid for thinking I could. I was just so stupid for thinking I could stop. I'll never be able to stop, not ever. That wasn't the plan, that wasn't the design for me. I just get hurt and hurt and I'm too afraid to be hurt anymore. I don't know if I cut myself to start feeling or to stop, but either way, it is better than living. Living dead girl. That's what I wanted to be. I don't know why I did it. I was so calm. Just got up from my computer seat and found a pencil sharpener and took it apart (stupid stupid, those blades hurt the most), and I was just so calm and I said to myself "I should cut myself now. Yes, I'll do that" and I went and I did. I only did it ten, not twenty-one. My fault, my fault. They weren't too deep, and weren't too wide. They won't scar. But they still hurt like a bitch. So there you go. Back to where I was...Do you know how long it had been? April 19, it was, the time I got rid of my razors and said enough was enough. The day I decided to recover. I cut myself once, a tiny little slip up. And I said to myself that it was okay, just a tiny slip, I'd still be better. But look, I'm not am I? Pixie oh, and by the way, Chocolat is a great movie.

Blood and Erotica

Heya, this is a warning, if you're a cutter, depressed, or suicidal, you shouldn't read this. If you're a psychotic killer, you shouldn't read this. If you get a kick out of slitting throats, you shouldn't read this. If you're a recovering cutter/killer/suicidal person, you shouldn't read this.

And if you ignore my warnings, make sure you're safe. And if you're not safe and I see you on the news tonight (which I wouldn't, because I hate the news and I don't watch TV in the first place), don't say I didn't warn you. I wrote this in my written journal earlier today, it is indeed triggering to some people, so just don't, it won't kill you not to know what I say for one day. Don't put yourself in that position. Don't think you can handle it, you can't, you'll end up hating me and hating yourself, okay?

Now, for the rest of you, this was written right after school, in my written journal because my internet wasn't working. It still isn't, but I'm on my brother's comp.

I'm curious as to what it would be like to cut myself. This is a very bad thing. For anyone else it would be okay, anyone else is allowed to wonder things lie that. But I am not anyone. I ama former cutter. It is very much not okay for me to wonder what it would be like to cut myself. It's like an anorexic wondering what it would be like to starve. I want to cut myself. Well, no, I want to hurt myself, in some way, but I really wnat to bleed. To feel the razor press into my skin - lightly at first, just enough to draw a tiny ine of blood. nd then going deeper and deeper, widening the cut so it scars. Smelling the thick wet smell of my own blood. I want to feel empty inside and I'm not sure why. Or do I feel empty already? I'm not really sad, but I want to hurt myself, and If eel scared, I don't know why. My heart hurts, and I don't know why. Do I ever know why? Nate, this kid that rides my bus, was talking about how he wants to experience dying in every way possible. Just a morbid facination, I guess. This got me thinking about that, and different ways to die. I started picturing myself dying in all these creative ways (if I were into killing people, I'd do great because I've got this morbid creativity on killing people. It's a good thing I'm not). Whe I saw my throat being slit. I saw the blade go slowly across my neck, bubbling out. I felt the way it would feel to breathe and get no air. I saw my calm eyes, open a little wider, not in fear, but in curiousity. And my lips parting just a bit, moaning. Then I saw myself fucking my killer. Or was he fucking me? I don't konw, but it was such a strange, erotic image in my head. So perverse that it was appealing.

I don't know, I don't know, I don't feel like myself. I'm glad I threw away all my old razor blades because I want to cut myself up. I want to give myself 21 bright, new cuts. But don't worry, I don't have the energy to make new ones. I think. In other news...Duck and I went searching for a teacher to sponsor the GSA. One canidate left the school, the other has too much on his plate. We've been turned down six times. For the first time I'm starting to wonder if we'll be able to start it at all. It seems that we won't because we can't get an advisor. This sucks. Basically the problem is that all the cool, openminded teachers are already doing things. And you've got to be a cool open minded person willing to fight against the controversy to do this. no one wants to stick their necks out for a bunch of queer teenagers. Well, to them I say this, something I read a while ago: "when they came for the blacks, I didn't fight, because I wasn't black. When they came for the Jews, I didn't fight, because I wasnt jewish. When they came for the gays, I didn't fight, because I wasn't gay. But when they came for me, there was no one left to fight for me".

It went something like that. Why don't people care anymore? If you're not gay you can't fight for equal rights? If you're not an author you can't fight against censorship? If you're not a woman you can't fight for pro-choice laws? maybe I'm just too young and naive to understand this, but goddamnit at least I car. At least I try.

Trevor was such a sweetheart today. He came and sat in my lap, but his bum was too bony so he came behind e and wrapped his arms around me. He read the note between me and Fairie Chick...about how I felt so...alone, so ugly, so unworthy of Biscuit. So unworthy of anyone. How I felt so bad about not being good enough. Trevor told me Biscuit was an asshole and he tried to tell everyone that, but no one would listen. Look at what happened to Sarah. He told me not to feel bad and said some other nice sweet things, but then Duck dragged me away. All day he (Trevor) would say hey to me in the halls or reach over and tickle me.

Classes were boring boring boring. I think I'll be getting a lot of creative writing done in geometry. We had to take a pretend Proficiency Exam, and afterwards I took a nap, so that's that I suppose.

Oh, and my Super Secret Crush was being Was he hitting on me? Was he not? I don't know. It doesn't matter if he was. That's the nice thing about a super secret rush, none of the "do they like me, do they not?" bullshit because it doesn't matter anyway. They never turn you down, they never break your heart.

And Robert is completely ignoring me. This does not make me feel good about my powers over guys.

What is worng with me? I feel so empty inside. I feel so scared, I'm trying not to cry, and I don't even know why. I want to cut myself, make sure I'm real and alive, which is so ironic because I used to cut myself to feel nothing, to feel numb. God, what is worng with me? I feel so empty and afraid, and I don't even know why. I'm going into my room now, I'm not sure what I'll do. I haven't got anyone to call, I haven't got anyone that understands, so we'll just see what I do. Yup...we'll just have to see. Pixie

Sunday, September 09, 2001

The Other Pixie

This post best read while listening to Sneaker Pimps - 6 Underground. No really, it will make it 100 times better, if you can go download it now, if you can't, at least listen to a snipit at CDNow. (Just click here and listen to a sample, just to get in the mood. Really, do it.

Well, I found a solution to geocities. It'll make you go 'duh!' Basically, I opened another account with them, and I'll put all of the text pages in that account (brittany_paloma) and all the image files and my index at my first account (pixiechick0404). Just cross link 'em and I'll do fine. However, it is still one major pain in my ass, but that's okay. I haven't been spanked in a while.

That's the other pixie. Most of you, if not all of you, are familiar with the other pixie. The other pixie makes comments about spanking. The other pixie is the pixie that wants sex, the other pixie is a slut, really, in every sense of the definition (well, my definition anyway. I stole it from a website a long time ago, and that's when it was forgotten or else I'd link to it, really. Their definition was "a sexually powerful woman; a woman in control of her sexuality"). The other pixie's name is Astra. I don't know when I came up with that name, okay I do. I wanted a name for a charecter in a story, so I was at a baby name website and they gave me astra, which is latin for star. Well, I fell in love with the name, and in every story I write the chick's name is Astra, because I'm in love with this chick. All my stories have some sense of truth. They almost all start off with my life and end up with what my life could have been, had Astra been more in charge than Brittany was. Astra usually ends up being a junkie whore, or a magnificent sex fairie, or something of that nature.

Well, as I said, she pops up from time to time. I'm working on a story that is completely about the sexual part of Astra. It's all about how she got to where she is. It starts off like this "The series of events that led me to become the most lusted after, hated, wanted, despised, and fucked girl in the school (or actually, the entire area) was not a complicated process.", and that's basically what it's about. How she got to be where she is and all the adventures that came out of it. Very wild and scandelous, of course. However, I don't have a lot of mooshy to work with because I don't have much of that kind of experience. Sure, I have my stories but I don't have anything truly scandelous (oh, btw, mooshy is a noun that I use to describe the stuff that I make stories, poems, and art from. Think of it like a muse, sorta. It's my mooshy, it makes me do things, I draw lines and rhymes and pictures from it, ideas, my inspiration). So, I'm going to chalk up all this sex-talk of late to Astra trying to get out. Because Brittany's in control now, I guess. This sounds schizophrenic, but I know you know what I'm talking about. Everyone has a few sides to their personalities, like maybe you're the smartest kid in school, but when no one's watching you're getting head ;) or maybe you're a mother with two kids and a white picket fence, but when your kids are away you bring out the paddles and whips for your husband ;) You all have those two sides, I just decided to name mine and analyze them a bit.

So...right now, and my whole life Brittany's been in charge. Astra peeks out every now and then for anything that is sexual or drug related. When I write about her, she peeks out more often, because she wants me to get more mooshy. I want her to come out, trust me, I think it'd be really really fun and naughty, but...I'm Brittany. I'm in control. And I'm rational and say "hey, that might not be a good idea, dearie." Soo, mmhm, now that I've convinced you all I'm crazy...

Today I put on the top coat of glue for my current journal, and on the inside of the back cover is a list. No, not a hit-list you moron, a kiss-list. I'm a listing kind of person, just to keep track. Astra likes to keep track because she feels powerful when she sees her list. I wish I had pictures of everyone on the list, and I can get pictures of everyone but two (one because I haven't talked to him in four years, the other because he was from Germany). When I have sex, I'm sure I'll keep that list too and take pictures of people too. Because I like to keep track. And Astra's a slut and likes to feel like she's conquered people.

My list is quite short, which surprises me. I *feel* like I should have kissed more people than that. Then again, I feel like I should be out fucking someone and that isn't happening (and won't happen yet, no fears people, sheesh!). How long is my list? Do I tell you? Do I not? Sure..but no names, because I'm not that kind of girl ;) 13. See, not so big. It took a hell of a long time to make though (gluing on itty bitty letters to make each and every name). Sure, it's immature, but it's Astra, I swear. When she's bummed out she likes to look at the list and remember the times.

Like...the first person I ever kissed happened in an alley pressed against a wall. He was a horrible kisser, I was 11 or 12 years old, it was scandelous, it was fun. Person #2 was an awesome kisser, gosh he was great. Very very sexy. We kissed a lot :) He was a good six inches taller than me so we found out that if I stood on the curb and he stood on the street we'd be the perfect height. Most of the time we hung out with other couples/friends. One time there was just Sperm Girl with us and he'd untie her shoe, making her look away to retie it, so we could kiss. Heehee, he was fun. Number 3 didn't speak much english, he was from Germany, I kissed him on a boat on a whale watching trip with my parents around the corner. That was back when I was a somewhat good girl, so I was quite scared. Number 4...I broke his heart. He left town and I cheated on him :/ That's how it goes sometimes. That was before I was agressive. I kept hinting and hinting at kissing, but I was too scared to just do it. Silly me. Once we kissed for 17 minutes without coming up for air at all. That was sad though, because that was the day he left town and we cried and cried. Sperm Girl was there at the end and she cried too. Number 5 was a fun kisser. Ohhh, how he was fun. I was locked out of my house for four hours, he was the boy across the street. He pulled up after work, we went for a walk. We ended up in another alley (there are grass alleys in my complex...) and ended up making out. The first guy to ever kiss my neck and I'll always love him for that. I was wearing skin-tight black non-leather pants and a shirt without a back. He made me feel sexy and wanted. At the homecoming dance Fairie Chick and I discovered that she had been with him the day before, I was with him that day, she was with him the next day,and I was with him the day after that. She lost her virginity to him. It's funny how those things work out, isn't it? Actually, I just saw him yesterday. He moved away, but he was visiting his mom. I was sweaty and gross. I stared at him and left. Number 6...this was entirely Astra's doing. It was the kind of thing she would do. He was one of the guys that made out with my best friend. Well...a few months later it seemed like a good idea to see him. Just as friends of course. Astra was the one who took it in the entire other direction, hugging him and wrapping her legs around him. Of course Astra's the one who ended up in his back seat stradling him making out. Oh, and she made him cum too :) He was a good Mormon boy before Astra got a hold of him. He will always be remembered as the guy who said "I can't believe this is really happening to me". Astra loves it when guys say that.Guy number 7...he wasn't so much fun. He was another guy that left me for my best friend. He was my rebound after finding out guy number 6 made out with my best friend. We also ended up in his car (wtf is up with this?). His best friend caught us. I was the reason guy number 7 and his girlfriend broke up. That was a nice way to make about 10 enemies (his friends...friends of the chick). It was after that that I started cutting again. Oh, and I get panic attacks when I see him.Guy number 8. This was Astra again. She used to flirt with him in the dark theater. Touching him and smiling slyly and winking and doing all those Astra-like-things. He wanted me very much. He was not such a good kisser. Blah.Guy number 9. He was very sweet. He's now a great friend of mine because we were just too sexually charged to stay a couple. In other words, we'd be going out and be like "yeah, bree is so hot, oh yeah, marshall is too, I'd totally fuck him". You know...not a good basis for a relationship.Person number 10 was a chick. You all remember her...S. She was...great. I don't know why I kissed her. Oh wait, must've been Astra. Astra grabbed her and kissed her in this way that Brittany would never have the guts to do. S. was a great kisser :)Person number 11 was also a chick. To be exact, Fairie Chick. This was also Astra's doing. Astra would come up with the suggestion for a three-way kiss, wouldn't she? So totally. And then she'd insist that didn't count and then kiss Fairie Chick on her own. Another great kisser.Person number 12 was a guy, Biscuit. I may not like him anymore, but I loved his kisses. They were very slow, very soft, very sensual, very electrically charged. I loved his lips and his skin and his hands. Too bad he sucked as a person.Person number 13 was a chick. I didn't want to kiss her, not at all. I was a tired pixie, I wanted to go to sleep, but nooo, I didn't. And I kissed her, and I made out with her. If she was a guy I could have said no. If she was a guy I wouldn't have been in her bed in the first place, now would I? So there's that. A mistake. But you know how those things go...

Speaking of kisses, on Friday I was going around getting pecks from everyone. It just happened that Robert kissed me, and so did Duck, and so did S., and I was just like 'Hey, let's make this kiss-a-pixie day!". So I got kisses from Fairie Chick, Drew, Jude (funny girl, when Robert said "hey, kiss Brittany", she goes "where?" oh dear...). There were five more people but my memory is spacing. It was cute though, very fun.

Oh yes, and Astra is currently coming up with a list of songs that she wants to fuck to. I'll let you know them when she's done. Oh, yeah, and if you want to read my current Astra story (updated as I write more, usually just a second draft so not perfect, y'know), you can go here. I have more to say...much more...about a movie I saw, about my relationship with my dad, about things of that nature, but I think this is enough for today. I just felt like talking about this stuff right now. Pixie