Saturday, September 08, 2001

Fuck Off Geocities

Okay, this is just a quick little note. I'm so pissed off at geocities. First of all, *that* picture up top is coming in from geocities. See how it doesn't work? My point exactly. Don't worry, it will be fixed as soon as one of the scarleteen advos let's me know the login/password so that I can use wantonhussy to host it. See? All shall be okay. So I thought. I got a happy little e-mail from geocities. Because I didn't even realize I was doing something wrong, it's a bit confusing. Apparently, because my website has recieved a lot of traffic, they're going to start shutting it down.

"Your
site has become so popular, in fact, that our records indicate that
you're using more than the allotted amount of data transfer we provide
for a free web site, which is 3GB/month (measured on an hourly basis).....all free member sites
transferring more than the allowable data limit will be disabled
for portions of the day until usage falls to within the prescribed
limits......
If you'd like to prevent this from happening to your site, you
may join one of our new premium services, GeoCities Pro or GeoCities
Webmaster. These packages allow for 10 GB and 20 GB of data transfer
respectively, and also give you the option of purchasing unlimited
data transfer so your site will never be disabled."

What the fuck does that mean? I mean, of course I realize that a lot of people come to my website, I thought that was a *good* thing. And actually, not that many people come. Let's go look at my stats...*angrily punches in keys for the geocities homepage* Altogether, all my pages, this includes the pages where you click on a thumbnail to make the picture go big, have been viewed 8,762 times. In my opinion, that's not a lot. Maybe I have high standards, I don't know, but in all the exsistence of my life with geocities, my pages have been viewed less than 10,000 times! And this is too much for them?

Ugh ugh, this is so stupid. *especially* because I was going to use geocities to hold my archives! What am I supposed to do? I don't know, because I haven't a clue as to what they're trying to tell me. It's either a: you take up too much space, and I can do a little bit about that, or b: too many people come to your site. Well what the fuck is wrong with these people? Shouldn't that be a good thing? It's free advertising for them, it's making them money, but nooo, they want me to *pay* them money to keep my site going. I'm going to have to go dig my little nose around looking for a help page and try to talk to a *real live person* about what I need to do to stop my site from shutting down. If any of you monkeys know what I need to do, please oh please e-mail me (brittany@kludge.lt) I am not a happy pixie. pixie

Friday, September 07, 2001

Oy Vey

My written journal doesn't even know that Biscuit broke up with me. Ugh, one day when I have like two hours I'll sit down and write it all out. So, today was a good day, sorta, mmhm. Class was just class...I found out why Pat and Deana broke up, something that few people know. I don't know how I do it, but people always want to tell me things. All those deep dark things that I'm dying to know but I'm scared to know at the same time. It's just...wow. I don't know why people trust me. So, that was interesting. It wasn't too exciting, but, I'm not going to disclose it here.

The drama room is flipping freezing, all the time, always. Today I was sooo cold, I was just like Robert Robert you've got to keep me warm, so he came over and held me all break. Next break something interesting happened. S. came over with a chickie, introduced us, I asked S. why she had brought the chick (who we'll call Gigi because I don't remember her name and I think for now she should remain anonymous anyway), so she brought Gigi and I was just like, why'd you bring her here (not to be rude, but she had brought Gigi there deliberatly and I wanted to know why). Our conversation follows:
me: is she...?
S.: mmhm...
me: oh, you mean she's....?
S: yup...
me: oh, are you saying what I think you're saying because I don't want to misinterpret this...
S: yup, that's what I'm saying
me: really?
S: mmhm
me: for real? wow, okay
S: yup...

the big news? She's bi, leaning more towards girls. Fairie Chick and I were hoping they'd get together, but we later found out that S. actually brought her over to introduce her to *me*. After school I went to the Company Players meeting. We introduced ourselves and played a game and talked about initiation week. It was cool. I signed up for a walk-on part in the play (A Comedy of Errors, Shakespear). I stayed for the rehersal of the play because I didn't want to walk home and Fairie Chick could give me a ride. I finally met Katherine, is that her name? I don't know, catholic girl that comes from a private school, hangs out with Trevor and Biscuit. I watched the play, interesting dynamics going on.

I actually wrote a little thing about it. Watching Biscuit up on stage, just doing a small role, so cocky and full of himself. About Trevor, how he's insecure and afraid to open up because the world will see his flaws. How he steals glances at Fairie Chick. Fairie Chick plays a whore in the play (no, really, she does), and I talked about how she sways her hips accordingly. I wrote about how so much drama and plots were going on that had nothing to do with the play. The way high school kids are afraid to let go of their lifelines. About watching Katherine hit on Biscuit, wondering if she would be good enough for him when I wasn't. Talked about how I want to be skin and bones so I "have a reason to cry, a way to die, a way to become a living dead girl". No, I don't have an eating disorder, but you know.

Fairie Chick is a flipping awesome poet, I'm so jealous, she's better than I'd be in ten years. I'm also very happy because on the first day of school I gave her a mini-chinese takeout box with condoms, a note, and some random pictures. She put the pictures on her notebook. We wrote notes...my opinion from watching people is that Trevor is a little interested in Katherine, just a little, but she likes Biscuit, and Biscuit likes her. I told Fairie Chick I'd bet her 5 bucks they'd be together by the end of the month, she bet me 20 that he'd get bored of her before two months were up. Hmm...who knows.

I got a little upset. Just watching Biscuit be happy, not even caring, not even noticing. I've decided that I never really liked him, I liked the idea of him. I'm so over him, really I am, but I don't want to see him happy and laughing, I want him to be crushed and crying. I know that's never going to happen, but a girl can hope, can't she? I don't know, it hurt me to see him, I'm not really sure why. I liked to watch him though. I think I just like to watch people. I watched him sleep for a while...I was wearing Trevor's shoes, he was wearing my purple glasses (and actually looked flipping sexy in them). He took his shoes back. I was sooo cold, sooo freezing. He came off stage towards me to give me his sweatshirt, I guess he was trying to get my attention from the stage but I was off in my own little world. How sweet, isn't it? I know. Oh yeah.

So...that was that. I told Duck who my super secret crush is. I started to cry. He pinkie swore. I don't know why I told him, the less people that know the better, because I can't be with this secret crush, not ever, not even if he liked me, which he doesn't. So that's that. But it's okay, we're all okay. I ended up going to Fairie Chick's house afterwards. I ate dinner there...I don't like her almost-stepmom, not at all. We listened to music and talked...she kicked a hole in the door. Apparently this is a habit because she just told me about how the other day she did it at her mom's house, and she proudly showed me three holes in her bathroom. Well, that is a bit strange but it's quirky and cute. I was about to be taken home because of the dad/daughter fight, but they talked about it in the garage and I got to stay, lol. Strange stuff that is.

I traded her one of my hard lemonade caps with one of her jack daniels...she has some bottles, I have some caps, you know how it is sometimes. I'm happy we're close, I'm glad she's my best friend, because I can't think of a better one. We talked about sex and stuff...possible people for me to have sex with. She thought of Duck, because we're pretty good friends and he's had experience (a good amount for a 15 year old), but I thought it would be too weird because we're too close. She suggested Trevor...well, that's her ex! She's my best friend! She insisted she was offering him up to me, and he'd be a good person to have sex with the first time, but I don't want to be a pity fuck, thankyouverymuch. I'm not planning on having sex...at the moment...but it's kind of fun to talk about possible people.

Finally that time came, and I had to comehome. I'm wearing her army fatigues, I just wanted to get out of my jeans you know. I don't know, I feel good friend-wise, I feel like I'm a part of something, I feel happy with my life, I don't feel happy with myself. I feel icky about myself...about who I am. Fairie Chick says that Biscuit didn't deserve me...but I thought he was so great, y'know? And he didn't think I was good enough for him, but I get a feeling he likes Katherine. I want to hate her, I really do, so does Fairie Chick, if only because Trevor might like her, but she seems so nice. So...that's that. I guess. Pixie

Thursday, September 06, 2001

BUMMER

I think I'm going to start bringing my journal to school so I can write in it instead of just using looseleaf and having to staple/glue/tape it into my journal. It's risky, because it'd be at school...what if someone got it? What if someone read it? But I suppose it isn't anymore risky than leaving it at home where my parents can find it. Anthony (phone) has seen my pictures. I think he was dissapointed because he didn't bring them up, but he did bring up Crystal's. This is a bit upsetting for me. I may not be beautiful but I like how I look and I don't think I look dissapointing.

Last night I lit my insence and did my homework, sorta. I ended up falling asleep on my homework, I don't remember going to sleep but I wokeup with my face pressing into my binder, my light was still on, and the incense and lighter were still on the desk. I hope my mom didn't see that...so...I need to sleep, ugh. This morning on the drive to school my dad and I had a talk again about me going to sleep earlier. He wants to buy a program that will automatically turn off the computer at a certain time since I 'obviously will disregard their wishes'. If they want to give me a bedtime that's fine, but I don't need a guilt trip every time I don't follow it. Shit happens, sometimes you can't or don't want to stick to whatever schedule you're on, and you're willing to sacrifice the consequences. When I stay up I know that I'm going to feel like shit in the morning, I know that it will just make it harder to go to sleep the next night and I know that I act more bitchy then necessary. If I'm willing to live with that, why can't they? I don't know what they're trying to accomplish by this. Is this their way of saying "WE'RE in charge now?", because me being on the computer doesn't hurt anyone but me. By the time I get home I'm done being bitchy and I usually see them for less than an hour anyway since I hide out in my room. They can't be concerned about my health and well-being since that's always the last thing on their minds...I'm convinced that they're just doing this as a final slap in the face: so there, pixie! Well to that I say fuck them, they can kick me off the computer but they can't do anything about what I do after that.

Ummm, what else? School isn't so good, B-days are't, anyway. In history we got our seats moved, I sit in the last row. The girl on my left is faggot girl, the same girl I sit next to in chem, she's in my english class too. The girl that says faggot too much and I want to beat the shit out of her. See, sometimes I am not a pretty girl. The girl on my left smells like candy apples. She said I looked familiar, but I don't remember her. I was falling asleep in geometry...we have a seating chart in there too. PE is horrible. We're out there in the Las Vegas heat. Even sitting down a few minutes to listen to directions will burn your bum. There are 55 gurls in my class, and only 8 tennis courts, you can do the math. I'm partnered up with Sara, Jessy's friend, mostly because we don't know anyone else. We both suck, so that's that. fter school I went to buy a Pepsi and I got a barely-chilled one, and then the bus isn't air conditioned so it was just a rather hot sticky afternoon.

I spent both breaks being a recluse. The first one I was lying on the little stage in the drama room. The next break I talked to Duck a little bit, but mostly just leaned against the wall by myself. I have a small complaint. Robert and Drew don't love me anymore. This morning they completely ignored me, and I don't even get hugs during breaks, much less bum-slapping, pinching, tickling, and whatever else they want to do. They just spend all their time talking to Jennabe. On second break when the bell rang Robert was just standing next to the stage, so I went up behind him and hugged him (I was on the stage). He was like "so, when are we going to have sex? that's all I have to live for" and I was like "oh we don't have time to fuck now, the bell just rang. why don't you have anything else to live for?" and he explained to me about how he liked this chick and he was going to ask her out but found out that she had an older boyfriend and he knew he didn't have a chance with her, and he was happy he didn't make a fool of himself. I told him that it depended on who her boyfriend was, but I had to wonder, was he talking about me? He used to like me (I doubt he does anymore), I had an older boyfriend (Biscuit was 17, a senior). I don't know...I've got to wonder. And then I think isn't that egotistical of me, I have no reason to think that. Tomorrow I'm hitting on that boy like there is no tomorrow, we'll see how that works out.

I saw Andrew walking in front of me to the bus-area. He looks pretty good. His hair is dyed black, he got another set of ear piercings, and was wearing all black. I liked to watch him walk, just see expressions pass over his face, what catches his eye, the way he holds his backpack. Maybe that's why I like the idea of being a photographer, becuase I'd have an excuse to watch people. If I were to take his picture I would do it exactly how I saw him, walking through a crowd, just barely glimpsing the side of his face. And this girl on the bus, she has bleached blonde hair, it's short, blow-dried around her face, her skin is very pale, her eyeliner very dark, has a center lip ring. Her clothes are rocking, my bet is that a lot of them are homemade.

I told Jessica that Biscuit broke up with me and she started to laugh and told me he was ugly anyway. She started telling me about how she was looking at him in art and then it just hit her that he was really ugly, and she meant to tell me but forgot. I have no idea what she means by that. But, then again, she never thinks any of the guys I like are cute. I don't know. I'm a little bummed out about her. She spends both breaks with Sara and barely talks to me, which is a little sad, well, really sad. But, she's happy, I'm happy she's happy.

I do not feel like a pretty girl, I don't feel like a girl at all. But, funny news. On chickclick I made a post about how the number one reason I'm not getting laid is because I can't find someone that's into the things I'm into, they don't even know what half the stuff is. I know I've talked about this before. I got an e-mail from a person (not sure the age), who was 40, married, wit a 13 year old daughter. They told me I should wait until I was 18 to have intercourse, because there were many other things I could do instead that were safer. I wrote them back, I don't know if they wanted me to or not, we shall see, but I questioned basically everything they told me because I don't really believe it, but I'm interested in knowing their point of view.

My first theory has to do with STDs and pregnancy. While intercourse has the highest risk of getting you pregnant (and actually, anything else you do has a basically nil chance). Maybe teens aren't too concerned with STDs, but they are concerned with pregnancy and I'd bet most have used condoms with their partners. Well, most teen's partners are people that could possibly be my partner, which is why this is important.
But, oral sex, very few teens (or actually, people in general) use condoms/dental dams for oral sex. And your average person is going to have had oral sex with more people they've had intercourse with. That means they've had unprotected oral sex, which makes them at a much higher risk for an STD than someone having protected intercourse. So they're more likely to have an STD (because they've had more partners), and they're more likely to transmit it (because they're not using condoms and dental dams)
So, on the STD note wouldn't you agree that intercourse is just as safe as oral, anal, or manual sex? I think so. As for pregnancy, it's not a concern of mine, I can get money together for an abortion if need be.

Not that I'm planning on getting preggers, or having sex, but this is all just relevant to the e-mail I got. I also had to ask why was 18 the magic age that a chick (or rather, a pixie) should lose her virginity? What's so different about being 18 versus being 15? So you're a tad bit more mature, that doesn't make it any more likely to not regret having sex, and it doesn't make it any safer to have sex just because you're older.

So, I'll let you know what the anonymous e-mailer says to my questions. People on chickclick suggested that teenagers don't know too much about sex and sexuality, or they're not comfortable enough with their own sexuality to explore 'alternative' sexual activities, not to mention most people are raised thinking things like that are taboo. Hmmm, maybe.

I need to write in my real journal, damnit. I'm such a slacker, but ugh, I don't want to sometimes. I wish it would rain. I wish my parents would come home soon with food. I wish I was at youth group right now. Pixie

Wednesday, September 05, 2001

Surprise?

Surprise!!! Bet you're surprised, aren't you? Oh yeah. The first thing you're thinking is that I must have either had too much caffeine or a bad case of insomnia. It was a mix of both, with a dash of diarycritic.diaryland.com. They review diaries, and I really want to get mine done, but they have some criteria. Numero uno is how old your diary is, they want it to be six months, I'm hoping to sneak in anyway (this one is only three). Next is appearance, they won't accept any templates. So...I fiddled around a little bit and came up with this. Before you critisize it, consider that I'm entirely self taught. I have a few tags written down and have a site for a color chart and that's about it. So what do I do? Go to people's sites that I like, look at their HTML, and then borrow bits and pieces and see what it does. For a long time there was just a blank white page and I couldn't figure out why, but it was fixed, because I'm so cool. Sorry, but now I understand why computer geeks can do their jobs for like, 20 hours in a row. You just keep going and going until you get it right.

Frusturating, but admirable. Numero tres is content. No typos and no excessive use of slang. I don't use too much slang (and for the little that I use I have a dictionary!) and any typos I make are because I type too fast or because I don't know how to spell the word. Numero cuatro is that your site can't have any broken images or links. Well...you see that picture up there? No? I didn't think so. I figured out a way to jimmie it and make it pop up (going to any other site, and coming back), but that's not working, so I'll have to give Danny boy a call, because I think he'll be able to help me out (please please let's all hope!). Numero cinco is you gotta update at least every other day. There isn't a problem with that.

I'm trying to make my diary Pamie-worthy. Let's all observe a moment of silence for the former pamie.com. Pamie was a very funny chick, who had an online diary for like, four years. She even had message boards and everything. I read about 75% of her archives (and all of her new entries) when she announced she was going to stop writing. *pauses in respect* Well, writing in her diary anyway. So...the site shut down, I never finished the archives entirely. But, I want a site worthy of her, eventually. And you gotta start somewhere. So I'm just going to be trying to improve the appearance of my diary along with the writing that goes in it. Don't worry, all the drama shall continue to ensue.

But, in other news, what have I added? Well, now I have my very own customized archive page (thank you geocities), and there is the old template I was using. I don't know if I'll change that anytime soon because I feel pretty drained right now. Then there's the guestbook, of course *hint hint* sign it! A link to e-mail me at my new e-mail adress (brittany@kludge.lt). Guess what? Besides my uncle (who got it for me), you guys are the very first ones to get it. Think of it like the red batman phone, it's supersecret and you'll get straight to me. Also, it's so fucking secure my mom will never be able to get into it :) First of all, she has to figure out which button on the task bar to click (ooh, hard). Then she has to put in the host name, which she may be able to figure out, but she'd never think to switch any of the other options, which you have to do if you want to go anywhere. Then you have to connect. If she managed to make it that far, she'd have to guess my username (brittany, that's not too difficult), and my password. IF she managed to do all that she'd just be stuck doing nothing. There's a super-secret word to open up the e-mail program that has absolutely nothing to do with anything. So you see? You can write to me about anything and know that it's for my eyes only. Oh yeah, and I'm just really happy about that in general.

Next we have "dictionary/cast". There you can find slang terms I use, a list of charectors. Some of them are major, some are minor ones that I like so much I just had to put in, and of course, Stortroopers! Last but not least we have "they were looking for..." This is a list that is constanly updated. Whenever someone searches for something on the net and comes to my site, I'll put up how they found me. Whether it was "naked sushi body" or "real porn stars measurments", it's all there. I do find it amusing though that not only does my blog come up, but people actually click on it to check it out. 90% of people finding me happens through looking up porn, which I find amusing because I'm a virgin...guess I just have sex on the brain too much.

So, aren't you all proud of me? Well, I certainly am. Whew! I should be getting my pictures from Boston this weekend, so I'm going to use the school's scanner or promise to be C. Jason's personal slave. I'm taking down the pictures of Sperm Girl and Crystal from my site, it's pointless because I don't talk to them anymore, but I will have pictures of Biscuit, Duck, Fairie Chick, Jessy, Trevor, etc, hopefully. I should. We'll see.

In other news, this guy likes me. We'll call him Fred, because I feel very Holly Golightly, and she called people Fred sometimes. This was a cold shower to me, I had absolutely no idea. Some people you kind of get a feeling that they like you, so it's not a surprise when they tell you. Nu-uh, this was entirely like "oh, wow...you do?" I have some classes with Fred, but we dont' really talk in person, we only talk online. I'm in an ice-cream-eating pajama-snuggling kind of mood, I definetly don't feel pretty or sexy, so when someone tells me that they like me, it's even stranger. I'm just surprised that anyone likes me (but I shouldn't feel that way. I think/thought Biscuit was sexy and he used to like me, but maybe the past tense is the thing we should take note of there). I just can't believe it. Earlier I was telling him how people were telling my brother about how I dress, and he said I looked good, or something. He said something positive and that's the point. It's like, I don't know anyone that likes the way I dress, except possibly Fairie Chick.

Do I like him? Not going to say, I don't know if he reads this, but whether the person you do or don't like is not something you should read off the internet. It's something you should find out in real life. So we'll just say that I don't want a relationship right now. As per usual, after a breakup I just want sex sex sex. Not that I ever end up getting any, but that's what I want. I know this about myself, so I know better than to get involved in any way beyond physical after I break up with someone or after someone breaks up with me. So...I gotta lay low until this feeling blows over. It's okay... I just have to y'know, wear baggy pants and make sure people don't touch me, because then I'll want to touch them back.

So, that's that. Also, C. Jason thinks I'm unusual and very weird, which I think is cool. While I acknowledgde my wierdness compared to people in my school, I don't really consider myself to be too out of the ordinary. Once again, to bring up the color analogy, I see myself as being a violet. My mom, dad, Craig, and...someone else, I forget who, said I was a bright blue. Maybe I am, I don't know. But, I still have homework to do (ahh! It's 2am), and have some sleep to get, and an outfit to pick out for tomorrow. I've got to buy PE shorts, I think, I have to check and see if I need money for that because I've got to give a pair to Jessy, and I cut up a pair really short to run in. Do I have a pair left or not? We shall see...yes indeedy.

Oh wait, final announcment. I love my room, I adore it. I've started to dry the flowers Fairie Chick gave me and I put up the lyrics to Lullabye (that was the song on the note), and I have some photographs up, and I can smell the yummy insence I burn when everyone is asleep (yes, that's right, I'm 15 and a half and I'm not allowed to burn incense or candles. Bullshit). I've got some CDs...I'm finally starting to feel at home. Pixie
Oh, and my skirt is NOT too short! I tried it on after school, with my big boots, I walked aruond my house and let it ride up a bit, and it's just not that short. The skirt is a fucking tease. Just when you think you're going to see my ass or my thong...you don't. It's a tease. As long as I don't bend over and keep my legs shut while sitting, it's not too short. I just want to say that. Maybe I have weird thoughts about nudity and appropriatness, but it's just not that short!
I Am...Comfy

That's what I am. Today was picture day, I got purtied up, which is fun and I love to do it, but you don't realize how uncomfortable you were until you get home and get into your jammies. Want to know what I wore? Of course you do. I took my hole-y fishnets and turned them into a shirt, even with little thumbholes for my thumbs to go through, I wore that as an undershirt, a black tanktop, a black knee-length skirt, my big boots. My hair was in two buns...(like, pigtails, but then you put them into buns), I was wearing my purple sunglasses.

So...today was good, and bad. My mom woke up late so we got to school late so I didn't get to meet Trevor and the new chick (oh, I talked to Trevor for like two hours last night which was really really nice, I hope he thought so too. I'd hate it if he was bored the entire time wondering when I would finally hang up...). Fairie Chick was there with a present in her arms. It was a little sheet of paper folded up into a note, with a twine bow, and a little self-arrangement of flowers (three red ones, some mint, little yellow ones..) wrapped in twine. The note was just telling me it was her favorite song to listen to when she was sad (Lullabye), and I could 'borrow' it for as long as I needed it, which I thought was so sweet of her.

I went to class. Chem was fun, our teacher spent a long time telling us about dark suckers (aka: lights), and how lights don't make light, they suck up the dark, and since two things can't occupy the same space they let light out. So, they're dark suckers. The sun is just a big dark sucker. Lightbubls burn out when they suck up too much dark. In other words, that's a real thing that could be called a 'theory', and everything in our book is just a theory so we should take it with a grain of salt. Unfortunatly, the teacher moves this chick next to me who says 'faggot' too much. Ugh, nothing pisses me off more than that. No homework, yay...

Then of course there was spanish, which was okay. Tristan is such a cutie! I haven't a clue as to what grade he's in or anything, but he's cute :) We have to write a 100 word "who am I?" thang in spanish, sooo much fun, I'm sure.

Then English. We had to take pictures in that class, but first we wrote a little essay in answer to the question "if you could have a free phone line to anyone in the world, dead or alive, who would it be?" Fairie Chick said either to me (her best friend) or Anthony (her boyfriend), which I thought was very cool. I wasn't sure if she considered me a best friend or not. I said I'd want to be able to talk to the 5th Grade Pixie. That was before her sexual orientation mattered, before boys broke up all her best friendships, before she let people manipulate her, before she got her heart broken, before she started cutting, before all of that. When she didn't really give a damn about what people thought about her and knew some days you just need to take off. I think the teacher was impressed by the idea, she told me about an author who wrote herself a letter every year when she was a kid, and when she was like 40 she opened them all and read them and published them. I wish I had thought to do that. I'll try to get my kids to do it (if I ever have any)

We took our pictures, Jaston was there. We hugged and stuff, he eventually asked me what was up with how I was dressing, I wasn't sure how to answer that one. I took my picture, I think it'll turn out okay beacuse the photographer spent like, 15 minutes on me, and he was hitting on me a bit y'know. That's basically it...

Breaks went by okay. S. hug me when she found out Biscuit dumped me and threatened to yell at him. Duck's bi again, lol, which is cool. Fairie Chick pointed out that at least I could keep the frog, which is true, although whenever I see it I try not to cry. Gah...S. and Duck and I went on a gay crusade to find a teacher to sponsor our GSA. Well...the teacher we wanted left the school (!!!), a teacher we know for a fact is a lesbian said she couldn't do it due to 'personal reasons', but recomended some teachers for us. One was a counselor, and they're swamped, so we'll talk to the other tomorrow. On the one hand I want to do this, but on the other I don't. We'll just have to see how it works out...

I saw Chinese Jason today...I was like "yeah, Biscuit broke up with me" and he's like "I know" which confused me for a minute because I hadn't told him and I didn't know anyone that knew that would talk to him...but then he explained he read it on my blog. You don't know what it's like for people to know all about your life until you actually start to write so that anyone can read it. But that's okay, I'm egotistical enough that it's okay with me. It's just kind of a weird sensation though. I'm just a weird person I think, because I talk about just about everything that happens to me, probably because I'd tell people anyway. But, it's kind of nice not to have to say the same thing to everyone if they read this. I know I have a good amount of readers (not telling you how many, though), I've started to recognize IP adresses and server adresses, so even if I don't know who you are I know that you're reading. I just wish *some* of you would sign my freaken' guestbook, really! Just make me feel less lonely! Question of the day: do you think I was too good for Biscuit?

Oooh, Anthony is looking at me right now. He's at his friend's house and they got to my pictures...I'm worried he won't think I'm cute. His friend Cory knows Sperm Girl, though. Becuase he was on one swim team and she was on it too. Speaking of which, to join swim team or not to? Well, I shouldn't have to decide now because it's in spring season, but...I should think about it. Right now I feel icky and not like joining anything, though. Although on Friday there is a drama club meeting and starting next week I'll have key club meetings.

It's okay, I'm okay, and I didn't messup my makeup by crying at all. Go me. Pixie

Tuesday, September 04, 2001

He Dumped Me

Yes it's true...there will be no more useless chat about Biscuit Bastard, because he broke up with me. Over the computer. Trevor talked to him, and he talked to me. He was really nice about it, but you know, that doesn't make it any better. And while I was *thinking* about breaking up wit him, I thought maybe we could talk and work something out or you know...not just break up. Not just like that.

Basically he said there was nothing wrong with me (if there was nothing wrong with me then why doesn't he like me?), it's just his feelings for me weren't the same as they used to be. And you know, he tried to make it better with the phone calls and the presents and stuff (which we never exchanged, by the way, so now I get a fucking cute froggy, which is what his present was), but his feelings didn't change for me. So I guess I'm not interesting enough for him or something, I don't know. He gave me the ever so cliche line (and even admited it was lame) of "can we still be friends?" I told him we'd have to see, because I'm really upset right now. Picture day is tomorrow, I just want to go to school in my jammies and eat ice cream. I called Fairie Chick, she says I could do so much better than Biscuit and everyone else will agree. Well no one even knew we were going out. But I have to wonder, is she telling me that to make me feel better or does she really think it? Does everyone else really think it too, or will they just tell me that, and tell him the same thing? I don't know. But if he comes in the theater tomorrow I'm going to start to bawl. This sucks...I'm going to call Trevor, because I don't really have anyone else to call...Pixie
No More...No More...

I have a lot of shit to talk about right now. First I'll type what I wrote on the bus, and then I'll type what I just wrote five minutes ago. Fuck, I just had a heart attack. But you gotta wait till the end to find out.

Today was a really reallyg ood day. World History sucks becuase I don't relaly know anyone. I guess I'm too weird this year for Jason and Nicole, because they don't talk to me now, but they used to. I sit next to a kid named Isreal, but we get a seating chart soon. My teacher talks a lot, but it should be an easy class.

First break was GREAT. Duck and I were going to go find this teacher to see if she would sponsor our GSA, but as we made our way up the stairs I saw a familiar face...Jessy! Man, did we go crazy. Hugging, jumping, and screaming followed. We dragged her into the theater and found Fairie Chick...she was in the dark with her boyfriend, but she didn't mind the interruption. No one did, we all really missed Jessy, we really love her :) We introduced her to Jennabe, and then the bell rang.

Next I had geometry. The teacher reminds me of avery nervous hampster. SHe's a very quirky lady. We took a diagnostic test (not for a grade) and I think I did very well on it. That class should be easy too. Steven was absent, which is a bummer because once again he's the only one I talk to. I know a ton of people in the class, but I suppose, like I said, I'm too weird now. But we're getting a seating chart in that class too so I guess it doesn't really matter.

Next break was spent waiting in line for food. Biscuit walkedright past and just gave me a half smile, I stamped my foot and said (to S. and Duck) "you see? you see what's going on?" I don't know if Biscuit heard or what, because he came back. He asked me if his hands were cold (yes), asked me what I was doing (standin in line), and ran off to catch up with his friend. No hug, no nothing. I think we will be breaking up soon. I don't want to, because I really like him, but I don't want a relationship like THIS.

next was PE with Sarah...Jessy has it at the same time, but with Ms. Allen, so we all sat together for a while before she had to leave. Her and Sarah just talked and laughed, mostly inside jokes and things I don't know about, but I don't care. I'm so happy to see Jessy, I'm so happy her and Sarah are friends again that I don't really give a damn if I'm not as close with her. Sara and I talked, we're cool.

Nothing too exciting happened...we start playing tennis on Thursday, I can't wait *sarcasm*. Ms. Allen talked to Jessy, hehe. I guess she thought we were a couple last year. She was like "so...what happened to your FRIEND" *raises eyebrows*. Nope, nothing ever happened, but I just adore Jessy. You guys just can't understand how happy I was to see her. I also talked to Ms. Allen about cross country. I was dreading it, but I'm glad I got it over with. She asked me what was up and I told her that I was going to be taking more dance classes (lie), and I had a really hard schedule (truth), and I didn't want to do cross country if I couldn't give it my own effort, which I can't. She just nodded and said thank you, but she just looks at you in that way that makes you feel like shit.

Now, for the heart attack. My mom is on the expulsion committee. As in, if you're giong to be expelled her and some other people decide whether it will happen or not. I don't know the details, but I guess someone wants to expell someone for "using school facilities to make pornographic materials", and something was mentioned about a senator's daughter. Well...what are the chances that another senator's daughter goes to a school seperate from mine, and they also took half-nekkid pictures at school? My point exactly. I went a little beserk and called everyone, but everyone still has all the pictures they've always had...so I have to wonder if maybe my mom was just saying that to scare me?

So...Trevor called me because Fairie Chick left a message telling him to. He got all excited because his mom said she sounded really upset and he thought she broke up with Anthony, I'm afraid not. Anyways, he was just like "what the fuck do i care about the pictures!?", and he just generally made me feel better. I asked him about Biscuit and he said that he hadn't said anything to him, so he promised to call Biscuit, find out what's going on and call me back. I hate to admit it, but I think I might be developing a bit of a crush on Trevor...not that I'd ever act on it, no way, not ever. My best friend's ex and my ex-boyfriend's best friend? Nu-uh, I'm not stupid. I'm just saying, he's a sweetie and I'm starting do adore him as much as I adore Jess Pixie

Monday, September 03, 2001

Hey...this is just like that one book...

Today I felt like a yo-yo. No really, I did. I'm strange, I know, but that's okay. So...I woke up late and found three e-mails from Brandon saying to call and leave a message, so I did. I had to do my chores and then my mom, brother and I went to get school stuff...and then we were all supposed to go grocery shopping, but my brother asked to be dropped off, and my mom said okay. This made me a little mad because...well, I had to waste my time, why shouldn't he? So...I went shopping, my mom spent like 20 minutes looking for a nailpolish shade that they didn't have. I wasn't in the happiest mood. A long time later we left. Then I had to help make dinner, I wasn't feeling well, I didn't eat, Brandon didn't call me back.

I got a phone call...the person asked for Kelly, then Monica, Tiffany, Jessica, Breanna, finally they asked me who I was. I told them Brittany. They told me that they had been calling Kelly, but I sounded cute and they wanted to talk to me. He was really nice. I know this sounds weird, but really, he was. He's 16 and goes to Green Valley and his name is Anthony. We ended up talking for like, an hour and a half. It was really really nice. He's really funny, although I don't like his friends, and I hung up feeling all better, he's going to call me tomorrow and I might meet him at the mall this weekend. I know, you're saying, but Pixie he could be a stalker, a serial murderer, you don't know. And I don't know, but a mall is a public place and I really like him. He just seemed really nice and he makes me laugh. So...it was cool.

I read about that happening in a book once. A guy called the wrong number and ended up being best friends with this chick, although they never met. I thought that was really nifty, and I think this is too. So..my strange moment of the day. The weather outside is really pretty. It's nighttime, but the clouds are purply and it's windy. I love the wind like this...which reminds me, when Paco was driving us home from the mall I saw a rainbow. Clear blue skies, no rain at all, but there was a friggin' rainbow. Sometimes things just kick ass like that.

Right now I'm looking for pictures for my project, yay. I'm going for black and whites, especially artistic nudes. I don't want any nipples or genitals showing, my parents will put up with a lot but I don't know how they'd handle that. And my tummy hurts again :( And I have school tomorrow, and my legs are hairy and gross and my hair is dry and greasy because I need to shower, but that's a-okay with me, because I feel good. And I still feel good about myself Pixie
Let Me Wallow

In my good body image. I'm going to tell you about me day, and then I'm going to wallow in a love for my body, because this is a very rare thing and I ought to enjoy it while I can without being called egotistical, arrogant, or concieted. And since a very few amount of you "talk" to me, so to speak, I don't think I have to worry about that.

Well...Paco called me shortly after I hung up with Brandon wanting to know if I wanted to go to the mall, right NOW. I'm not a girl to say no, so of course I agreed. He said he'd be driving, I prepared for a heart attack. I wrote a note, as no one would be home (this is a customary practice of mine...no one's home so there's no one to say no to me. And in my family whenever you go anywhere, if someone is asleep or not home you've got to write a note saying when you left, where you're going, who you're going with, what you'll be doing, what is some sort of contant information, and when you expect to be home). So I prepared that when I heard the front door open. Paco and I tensed, because my mom is not a person known for saying yes, especially when I had already gone out with Amy and she hadn't seen me for about 24 hours. The most annoying habit is that I don't argue with my mom and I don't ask why. You may know a person like this. You don't argue with them and you don't ask why, you take what you're given and you don't ask for more. That's what my mom is like, and for all my friends who don't know people like that, they don't understand it. So...we tensed and prepared our arguments, and she paused and said yes. Wow, good mom. I rewarded her by going out to dinner with them and talking. See, she gives a little, I give a little. So we went, and Paco didn't kill us. We did our thang, and walked around...I was hoping to get some buttons from Hot Topic, but alas, I did not. I ran into Timmy, much to my dismay. I don't know, I was just like ::walk walk, spot Timmy, U-turn, run far away:: Strange reaction, but not too unusual for me. We bought some lemonade, and this chick at Cinnabon was staring at me with the strangest smile on her face. I'm thinking, oh great, looney chick is looking at me. I glanced at her nametag: SARAH. Oh my gosh!It was Sarah! Sarah was on dance team with me for two years (she was a year ahead of us) and was an old friend of Crystal's. I haven't seen her for about two years. I started to jump up and down and hugged her over the counter and wow, she looked so great! It was cool to see her.

We wandered into the Game Keeper, where there were two tables set up of kids playing Magic...Paco tends to find those kinds of people spooky, but I didn't want to look rude so we just wandered around, when I saw a pocket Tetris game and got all excited. The cashier was like "can I help you?" and I was like "no no, I just found the coolest thing. it's tetris but it goes whoooooo ::makes a big-to-little motion with hands:: into your pocket". Paco stared at me. The cashier stared at me. I giggled and tried to act drugged and started to leave the store. The cashier started laughing and said "no no, do it again!". I left. The Magic kids thought we were weird. I got a denim wallet with a rainbow on it, two pairs of sunglasses, and some blue army pajamas that are nice and smooth (not cotton). It was nice.

We got Hannible on DVD, wow! You can go behind the scenes for makeup and special effects, it fucking kicks ass. It's like hey, that was mechanical and you're like "no way, no way". But you see it from another angle, and it's so obvious. The way they put that movie together is really admirable. Just the way the scenes fall into place, the way the plot moves along and the music and it's just like WoW, impressive.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention my "hey, I'm crazy" moment from yesterday. I was sitting on the toilet (as, most crazy moments do happen on the toilet after all), doing my thang, and I was just thinking "gah! today sucks! oh well, i'll just pop a few Prozac and it'll be okay...lalala...what the fuck? I don't *take* Prozac!" That was strange, although amusing.

Brandon called when we were watching the movie so I let him go, but found a super nice long e-mail in my inbox from him. We have a few options for tomorrow, me go to the hotel, him come here, or us drive around town with his madre. He'll probably come over here. For those of you wondering, no, nothing is going to happen. My mom and brother will be home. I think this is the most likely possibility because my mom knows she'll be able to keep her eye on us. Besides, I have a Biscuit, even if things are tentative between us.

Time for wallowing. Lately I've been feeling...pretty. I know, what's wrong with me? I'm not supposed to feel pretty. I'm not a pretty kind of person. I'm not one to feel that way, anyway, but really I have been feeling like that. I *like* looking in the mirror these days. Instead of picking out bad things about my hair, my face, my body, I just look at myself and smile because I'm happy to see what I do. Right now I'm wearing my blue army PJ pants tied low on my waist and a tight T-back shirt that I usually use to work out it, and it's pulled up just a little bit so my belly hangs out and you can see my navel, and I *like* it like that.

I've made peace with my nose which I think is too wide, and my eyes which I think are too small, my lips for never curving just the right way. I like my feet although the arches aren't high, I think they're strong, the skin isn't baby soft but they wouldn't be a dancer's feet if they were. Even my hyperextended toes that need masking tape that I always forget to put on...those are cool to because I get an excuse to mess with my feet and tape...that's usually reserved for dancers on pointe. My ankles which are very thin and strong (ask any dancer to point her toe, look at her ankle, and you'll know exactly what I'm talking about). My calves which are more muscular than I like, they have no fat, what do I care if they have muscle? They're strong. My knees, well, no one has pretty knees. My thighs, tanner than the rest of my body (due to a river rafting trip), strong and shapely, even a little pudgy on the inside. My hips, normally too large, are womanly and sensual and curvy. My bum looks cute with the little triangle of fabric from my thong. My back is strong and slender, my tummy is white and a little pudgy, in that cute way. My boobs are small, but they're proportionate to my body. I can go braless and not feel self conscious. My neck is long, my face is oval, my hair is long and silky (if not in the best condition upon closer inspection).

I LIKE MY BODY. I like my body in PJs and a messy ponytail, I like my body in platforms and big boots, I like my body in baggy pants and micro mini skirts, I like my body in a dance leo and running shorts. I like my body in a swim suit or in the nude. I'm comfy in my body, it fits me well, all it's little quirks. The wrinkles in the corner of my eyes, my chapped lips, they're all ME, and I love them all, if only because they're a part of me. This little rant is inspired by Mz Scarlet talking about her photo shoot and retouching her pictures and having to be critical of her body. I think a lot like her. I don't like to see nude airbrushed, fake tan, fake nails, plastic breasted bodies. I just don't. I don't think they're attractive or beautiful. I think they're fake and wierd. But Heather's body, I think her body is beautiful. She doesn't look like she's 18, she doesn't look like she's 30 trying to look 18. She looks like a beautiful woman who has lived a little bit and that makes her look even more...appealing. Maybe that's why I like "erotica" more than porn. Actually, I don't like porn. I have a lot of problems with porn (mainly, blue eyeshadow, fake nails, fake bodies, fake orgasms, fake-looking cum shots where an ugly man blows his load all over a plastic woman. It drives me nutso, I hate all that shit. I also hate "pulsing members" and "cherry blood"), but it seems that things classified as 'erotic' have more of a real approach, which is sexier than anything I've found that's labelled porn. Any photos by Lee Higgs are excluded, because I don't know what he considers his work but it fucking rocks.

I feel good :) Anything else to say? Umm...I'm desperate to buy a ball-gag because I think they're quite sexy, but I haven't any idea when I'd use it. Sometimes it's just nice to have it there, lol. I like to think that by wanting all this stuff, when I buy this stuff I'll just wait for an awesome sex life to come around and bring them out. I entirely plan on devoting a room in my house as a play room. Ball gags should not be hidden away in boxes and drawers, they should be on display along with floggers and paddles and handcuffs, oh my. I think I'm very strange. Yes indeedy. Ha, maybe I should put that in my autobiography for my chem teacher "I'm the only fifteen year old I know that wants a play room complete with tables, beds, doctor's examing table, shoe rack, floggers, whips, and paddles on display, a collection of handcuffs and restraints, and a ball gag for every outfit". Haha, wonder what he'd think. But really, I am the only 15 year old. Actually, I don't even know anyone else (in real life) that even knows what a ball gag is. *thinks* Nope, I don't. Wow. Am I horribly kinky or is everyone else just horribly conservative? Maybe a mix of both. Think my parents would freak out if I asked for one for Christmas?

Oooh, I need to get some film for when I see Brandon. Also, soon I'll have my pictures from Boston, I hope, so I'll scan some and add 'em to my webpage. Pixie

Sunday, September 02, 2001

Yes, Yes, Oooohhhh!

The phone rang...it said "PRIVATE NAME, PRIVATE NUMBER", and as always I'm stuck with the decision of to answer it or not to answer it. I'm not really in a chatty mood, so...do I answer it and risk being stuck with someone I don't want to talk to? Do I not answer it and never find out who it is? What if it's Biscuit? What if it's Fairie Chick? So...I answered it. And it was Brandon, yay!!! Oh yeah. His little brother is stuck in Las Vegas or something like that, so him and his mom decided to make a vacation of it and come for the long weekend. I'm way happy, I can't wait. Except that I can too. Because you see...remember when my mom read my e-mail? I don't know if I mentioned this but, conversations with Brandon were in there. We had just started talking after a really long time of not talking...we were online...I was happy and giddy and saved the conversations. That was basically how she found all the dirt on me, because you know, we were talking about all the big events that had happened in the past few years...the drinking, the pot smoking, the bisexuality, him getting blowjobs, me "sleeping" with a guy, etc etc. Also...well...how do I put this? It sounds stupid but it's the only way for you to understand the predicament I'm in. Well, we were talking about when we were little kids and all of our weird ideas (we used to joke wouldn't it be funny if he moved away and then we forgot about each other...went to college...after college we'd meet each other, fall in love, get married, and not find out about each other until we were really old and reminising in our old yearbooks). And of course we started talking about sex, as he is my best friend and y'know...at the time we were both single, and we both were/are virgins, so we were saying wouldn't it be nifty if we had sex together for the first time, and at the time he was planning on coming to town in July and it was going to happen then. But you know, plans get fucked, so I still haven't seen him since I was in eighth grade. And you see, my mom knows all this. Do you think she's going to let me go out and do something with him? Yeah right. But...in the conversation with my uncle she was saying how she'd never confirm my suspicions. She said that if I thought she went through my e-mail I could think that and she would never confirm it in any ways. So she can't reasonably say no. As far as she thinks I know, she thinks he's a good Christian boy I've known my whole life, that moved away when we were in fourth grade, that kept in touch with me all those years until we finally saw each other in eighth grade, that I talk to online sometimes. How can she say no to that? Well...I'll just invite him over, because if she's here then it'll be okay. We can play DDR and talk and stuff. No, not that kind of stuff.

In other news, I talked to Gama last night about Biscuit. I always consider Gama the person to go to for guy-advice and girl-advice. This is because Gama's been around the block a few times and he knows how guys think and he knows what girls want. So...we talked and I presented the situation, and we came up with a plan :) I can't share the plan right now, because all members involved have to be unaware that they're involved. If it works I'll tell you all about it, and if it doesn't work I'll tell you all about it. But...you won't know that I'm telling you about it. How crypitc is this? I feel like Jamie fucking Bond, hell yeah. So..um, where was I? Right, I've got a plan that I can't tell you because the people in the plan don't realize that they're a part of it. And I'll tell you about the plan after it goes in action, but you won't realize that it's THE plan. Or maybe you will. It just depends what spy academy you went to.

Ohh...bad news, Brandon is staying on the Strip, at the Rio. Do you know how far away that is? Well, it's not, but...he could always be closer you know. Ooh, if I don't get to see him I am going to be one pissed off pixie. Well...I'm going to go work on my new art projects...and then I'm going to clean up, I think I'll do my chores today just to get them over with...and then I'm going to hope Brandon calls me again today when he gets in town. And of course, as always, I hope Biscuit will call me too. Pixie
Pix Notes

You see, Pix Notes are like Cliff Notes, they just give you a quick synopsis in order to not bore you. I don't have much to say, but I have a few things I do want to say, so I'll just try to do it in a nice, orderly fashion :)

a.) DVD fucking rocks. No no, I'm not telling you to buy a DVD player, I'm telling you to buy a Playstation 2 so you can get two in one, although working the DVD with a playstation controller is a bit of a challenge until you see what's going on :) I just watched Antitrust (the first ever DVD on our PS2...we've had it since X-mas, I know...), and the movie fucking rocks, but, even better, you get to see deleted scenes (it's like, wow, this movie could have ended like, six different ways), and behind the scenes and all that stuff. Very very cool, very very worth it.

b.)I'm working on more art projects, yay! One will be about fairies, one will be with Audrey Hepburn, Marilyn Monroe, Grace Kelly, etc...they will both be very cool. I've decided to get color copies of the notebooks I've already done, one to put on my closet (oh yeah, I'm trying to personalize my room more, so it doesn't look like it's out of a freaking House and Home magazine, gothic ecletic style. On my closet I have Valentine cards from last year, a coupon for Infinity Hugs made by Jess for me, things like that. I also put up some black and white photos taken from a zine), and one to put inside the clear plastic thingy on my binders, because people never get to see my artwork. Amy just found out today that I do things like that! Just because I do it on notebooks that are too personal to have other people looking at them, so I'll probably get my dad to take me to Kinkos tomorrow when we go do school supply stuff, because I like to have my ego stroked about my art, it's one of the few things I'm proud of.

c.) I talked to Biscuit today, for like, two seconds. Yay. I need to talk to that boy, we need to talk and see what's going on and what's up because I'm under the impression that he's not into me anymore. He once told me that he had never wanted anyone in so many ways more than he wanted me. Does he still feel that way? Maybe Fairie Chick was right...now that we're back in town we're going to talk and realize that it's not going to work out. Maybe Amy was right and the only reason we're still together is because we were out of town. Maybe Pessimistic Brittany is right, and we're only together because we're waiting for a dramatic fight to break us up. Maybe Optimistic Brittany is right and it's all in her imagination and it's just the school year that's mucking things up, but once things settle down Biscuit and Brittany will be eve more happy. I don't know right now.

Pixie