Saturday, July 21, 2001

Oy Oy



I feel sick. Really icky. Go ahead, ask me...what did I do? I fucking ran two miles! Go ahead, ask me...what was my time? 21 minutes and 29 seconds! Can you fucking believe it!? My first mile was like, 10:39, my second mile was...well, you can do the math. I was so surprised, I really was. I was feeling kind of ick, and thinking of cancelling on my dad, but I didn't. So I was just going to do a mile...and then I was like...c'mon Brit, just go to that sign, and after I got there it was easy. I sprinted at the end which made my dad unhappy because I was supposed to run the whole thing at a slow, steady pace, but it just felt so good. Wow, I'm so surprised. Shut up, I really am. Maybe I just thought I was in worse shape than I was, because my dad said he would be surprised if I hadn't been able to do it. So that was just...so good. I *never* feel like that after I run.

Then I learned a bad lesson...don't go to Starbucks afterwards. Just makes you feel all heavy. Get a slurpee or something fruity. I want to lose weight, so my uncle is giving me some tips and stuff because he knows sooo much about that stuff. I'll be there for two weeks, and he says by the time I get home I'll be down to 120, but I'll have to keep it off, which is the hard part of course. Wow, that's like, 8 lbs right there. Actually...if I could get to 110 I'd be happy and never complain again. 115 and I wouldn't complain a lot. 120 and I'll be happy. But then again...I'd want to be able to wear a size 5 too.

Well, my brother just bout DDR (dance dance revolution), so I'm going to go play. Pixie PS: I talked to Ashes today online, wow. I said "oh wow, hey" when she first IMed me, I don't know why. Maybe a premonition? Because she's quite awesome. We even licked our lips at the same time. Mmmm, aussie boys.

Empty Cups Filled With Straws



One of the more annoying aspects of having a computer right next to the kitchen counter is that I have to look at all the shit on it. Like, right now, empty cups filled with straws. Then again, one of the better aspects are that I can cook things and keep an eye on it, so I don't really have to leave my comp to make dinner, which is nice. Well well well, I kissed my mom goodnight last night. I know I know, what was I thinking? She called me on it too. "Why did you kiss me goodnight? You never kiss me goodnight. You never kiss me at all". I don't know why I did it. And I'm a horrible child, 10 minutes after I kissed my mom goodnight I snuck out. Maybe the kiss was for the relationship I wish we had. I don't really know.

So...I did sneak out. With Biscuit and Brandon. Biscuit has a new car, it's white, it's in his name and everything (his dad got it for him..but he doesn't like to talk about that, which is understandable). So we drove down two streets so we wouldn't be right in front of my house. Then I realized that my brother was out, so he could come home any minute and we drove to the park. I ran in the sprinklers :) Sometimes I wonder why am I such a dork, but oh well. We just talked...any worries I had about us having nothing to talk about or him not listening are totally gone when we're in person. So I've decided maybe we're just not phone people. He asked me what I do in the daytime, which is funny because he really doesn't know. Just like I don't know what he does. We talked...he tickled...we kissed. We held each other...I love kissing him...I love holding him...I love his strong arms around me, stroking my hair. I love the shivers that go up my spine and the electricity that shoots through my fingertips. I told him about my cutting. After beating around the bush for a little while I was just like "I used to do something bad...I don't do it anymore, but...I still have scars from it." And he asked me what it was and I told him that I used to cut myself. So...it's all good. I'm happy that I told him because I think it's better that he know, rather than just finding out when something happens between us.

We've been officially going out for 8 days :) My parents and I were talking yesterday at lunch about all the online journals I read. They don't know that I have this one, of course. My mom was saying how she'd be more inclined to read the journal of someone she knew rather than someone she didn't. I think I'm more likely to read someone's that I don't know. If I was stumbling across the web and came across the journal of someone I knew in real life, I wouldn't read it. Just because I'd feel like I was invading their privacy, becuase I don't know what they were thinking when they wrote it. With me, I don't care if people I know read this, it just doesn't matter to me. And I read S's because she actually gave me a link for it, though she hardly ever updates. Actually, she never updates, lol, but that's what we like about her. She's at church camp right now, and I do miss her. I didn't go to youth group on Thursday. I just feel all funny. But...I don't know what will happen when she gets back, and the unknown is the only thing that scares me. Pixie

Thursday, July 19, 2001

"your challenges are...well, I don't know what your challenges are". Yeah mom, I've had no challenges. By the way, I got my birthday present from Paco today (no...my birthday was in March). A devil rubber duckie, and a powerpuff girls poster. How kickass is that? This is from the same boy who bought me jumbo sidewalk chalk and the powerpuff girls boardgame for Christmas. But....oh...what shall I get him?

Sigh, Sigh



I talked to my uncle...I yelled and screamed about the whole deal. Since I hardly ever yell, or scream, or shriek...ugh. I hate my mom, I hate that she's so goddamn manipulative. You see why I don't want to talk to her? Becuase she makes me believe whatever she says. She tells me I'm a horrible bitch and I believe it...god, I hate that. But...past is past. She bought me a fucking card, haha. I don't think she knows that I was upset at all. But really, as far as I'm concerned, I'm cutting my relationship off with my mom. I don't want to see her when I'm an adult at all. It's funny, because she said "I'm afraid that we won't have the relationship I wanted us to have", but she has no idea that the relationship I'm planning on having is one that's entirely nonexsistent.

But...I'll stop talking about that. Cross country is killer. Today we did sprints...Mellissa and I walked for a tiny part of a 400 and we got an extra one. That ticked me off, not because I mind doing the extra, I realize her theory and all, but Fairie Chick and Anne and Sandra were walking partway too! So...that ticked me off a tad bit. Yeah, tough day. Went to the weight room...I only benched the bar because I was just too tired. In fact I was too tired to do most of the machines. Jeremy was bending over to take some weights off and he was like "quit staring at my butt!" which was so funny because I was about to tell him his butt was cute, but refrained because I wasn't sure how he'd take it, lol. Galen is a sweetheart. I actually went out with him...for like, two days in eighth grade before I made out with Nick. Talk about an awkward school dance...I was standing around with Galen, my b/f, Brian F, my ex-b/f, and Nick, my fling. Haha. But...he's just super sweet, and a great runner, so yes I"m jealous.

Went to the mall with Paco. I got a silver glitter bracelet with stars cut out, a red leather bracelet with square studs, an army-green shirt with black stars on it, a new pair of undies, a Bubbles pin, a pink/black skull pin, and two pixie post cards (for Danny and Brianna). The shirt is actually a boy's shirt, but...it's cute. It's a small but, still too big. And because boy's shirts are cut differently it looks strange, like I'm wearing my boyfriend's shirt, but I like the look. I was looking forever for cute undies and it makes me so mad that you can't find any at the Boulevard mall! They're all ugly or uncute. But, I got a pair from Hot Topic, they're baby pink with pink and white ribbons that tie at the sides. So...not me, but...that's kind of why I like them.

I was being such a goof in the store. Actually I was being such a goof in the mall. There was this guy...half-candied out and sooo cute. I almost went up and asked for his number till I reminded myself that I'm with Biscuit, plus he had two chicks with him. We saw Rachel at the mall too. It was...awkward to say the least. Just because we were never that close anyway, and she goes to a different school.

I called Biscuit right when he called me...which was pretty nice. He got in a fight with his mom yesterday...and got kicked out of his house. So..now he's living with his dad. He's trying to find plane tickets to go to Tampa to stay with his sister for a few weeks, which is a bummer because I leave in 3 weeks...so, hopefully that'll work out that we don't completely not see each other. Ehh...I don't know. We're not really talking, like...we just don't have that communication there. I feel like he's not listening to me. I hope it all works out, I really do.

I went to the dentist too..no cavities! Last time I went I had like, four. I'm thinking of getting my teeth bleached, Paco says that might be too drastic. My teeth are already straight, and pretty white anyway (my dentist said I have beautiful teeth, whoo!). Maybe I am being a bit...overboard. Am I the only person who likes to go to the dentist? Sometimes I wonder about that, because I really do like to go to the dentist. They make my teeth all nice and clean...I'm off my period, so I hope that my skin goes back to normal...please please. Oh yeah, and I'm going on a diet. Well, not really a diet, just cutting back my food. You see, I'm hot happy with my weight. I shouldn't weigh as much as I do. When people ask me how much I weigh, I usually lie by 15 lbs, and then they say I look like I'd be lighter! So...why aren't I? Okay...I'll reveal it now. I'm 5 foot 3.5...and I weigh 130ish. Never above, but rarely below. I remember worrying about going over 120! This is ridiculous, I just need to cut back my sweets and my carbs and my sugars.

I'm working on the cover for my new journal...it's kicking ass.

Pixie

Wednesday, July 18, 2001

Fuck My Mom



Today was such a good day, at first. I went to cross country, went to the hospital to see my new little cousin (ooh..that was awesome). Then the colors we pictured people. She said she thought I was electric blue, standing out a lot, which was funny because I saw myself as being purplish-grey and blending in. To that she said that if I recognized the qualities that made me stand out, then I'd be considered full of myself. So that made me curious as to how do I stand out so much. So I was having some nice conversation with my mom...finding out my grandad was a little involved in group sex and gay sex (and was probably straight up gay) and how my aunt is probably bi, and how my other aunt had an abortion, which was nice, because it brought my mom and I closer. And then about the prejudices I face, and how my parents don't think I'm bi (well...my mom thinks that you can't know whether you're anything until you have sex, which I can understand). Then it got to my relationship with my dad, and how we used to have a relationship little girls dreamed of and how I ruined it by lying about cutting (I don't think that that can be used against me. No one is going to come out and say they were cutting unless they wanted help, and at that time I didn't), and how I shouldn't ruin it anymore and go to the grave with some of my secrets. Which I'm sure is kind of spawned from the fact that her dad was an abusive alchoholic, but even that was okay. Then it turned into how I used my cutting to manipulate my parents to get out of trouble and to get my way. I'm sorry but no matter what they think I wasn't the most fucking stable person for the last few years. Actually for the last FIVE because that's when I started hurting myself. The *one* time I used cutting to get out of it it wasn't even like that. My mom walked in my room and I had razor blades in my hand. I was going to cut myself okay? I was going to, and the only thing holding me back were the 23 days of recovery under my belt. It was the night that my mom walked in my room with half-naked pictures of me, complete with strategically placed duct tape. So I suppose they figured that that was my way of getting out of trouble, although I wasn't really in trouble in the first place.

Come on! But I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. This comes from the family that thought my problem was "that I didn't have a problem", and that's why I was cutting. I shouldn't be fucking surprised. I don't even know what to make out of all this...in a few moments of idiocy I opened myself up to my mom and I was honest with her and we talked about feelings and stuff and look at what happened. I don't even know what happened but all I know is I"m really sad and angry and crying.

Guess what, I made my choices that I have in life, and you know what? there's nothing I've done that I'd be ashamed to tell my kids and that's more I can say for my mom. I smoked pot...oh well, I did it, I did it responsibly, I didn't hurt anyone by doing it, and I don't do it anymore. I've gotten drunk. I didn't hurt anyone, I did it responsibly, and I don't do it that often. I've taken half-naked pictures with strategically placed duct tape. and you know what? I didn't hurt anyone and it was my choice. And I haven't regretted any of these things, and because i've done them I know what I will and won't do. I gotta go...I just answered the phone and it's Jaston, who I don't want to talk to...but I haven't talked to him in months. Pixie

Tuesday, July 17, 2001

One Year



It's funny how much things can change in a year. A year ago I was in Boston, dancing my heart out, holding back tears in class. Crushing on Chinese Jason, just starting going to scarleteen.com. If you told me then that in a year I'd be going out with a senior, I wouldn't be surprised (a year and a half ago I was an eighth grader going out with a sophmore). If you had told me that I wouldn't be able to put on liquid eyeliner, I would have fallen over laughing. I bought some liquid eyeliner today, tried to put it on...no such luck. I used to be able to do that on a MOVING BUS!

Actually, when I think about it, not much has changed. Nope...not really. Ugh, I was doing ballet today. I was so in the groove, I had been working for a half hour when my mom comes home and starts demanding I help her with her report. Urgh! Fortunatly, she was all "thank you so much blah blah blah if I ever get money I'll even pay you." I'll just turn away the money and tell her she owes me fucking big time :) Muwahaha. I should take a nap cuz I'm going out with Fairie Chick tonight. Unfortunatly, no cute specimens of the male species shall be joining us. I'm not taking out the chicken for tonight...it's in the fridge, I hope it's still frozen. I don't want to cook.

My cousin is having a baby. She's called like 20 times...you'd think she'd stop since no one has answered! I know she wants to talk to my mom, who is not around, so...no point in answering the phone, ehh? Pixie ps: it sucks to be sexually...unsatisfied. You know you're bummed when your vibe stops being your best friend. *sigh*

I Am A Tired Baby



Ugh ugh, I need to learn how to fucking sleep. Five hours last night. I'm so deprived already, I can't afford to continue getting inadequate amounts of sleep :( Went to cross country...no beaing beaten with a pillow. Ms. Allen made us do a mile today for our warm up which wasn't too too bad. Then we had to do the stump where Fairie Chick and I were quickly seperated. I can't help it that we like to talk! And that we just happen to run at the same pace. I need to start pushing myself harder on that because I know that I *could* go farther and faster if I wanted to, and I won't improve unless I push myself. Did our laps in the field (which were easier, actually), and did weight training.

I spent a lot of time talking to Jeremy, and he's slinkster cool. The first guy in a long time to guess my real age :) And I'm taller than him, whoo woo. I kick ass. Never have a funny friend spot you when you bench press. Especially a weak one. I'm doing my last set, struggling because I added 10 lbs to the bar (shut up that's 55 pounds mister!), when Fairie Chick says "don't sit down Brittany! don't lay down! stand up! stand up!" which is what Ms. Allen is constantly saying. I don't know why, but I found that to be incredibly amusing and start laughing sooo hard. Yeah, bar goes down and we had to use all of our strength not to crush me. So we took a little break, decide to try again...it wasn't happening. We kept trying, but I never finished my set.

Blah blah I'm tired. So incredibly tired. I don't feel like cooking or cleaning or anything. That's the thing about being a 'housewife'. The real wifey can take the day off, I can't. Last night I was on the phone with Joe when my parents were telling me to do this and that and he was like "I couldn't do what you do." and I was like, "why not?" and he was like "I have pride!". But he's right. To do something like that you can't have pride, you have to listen to what they want you to do and do it, and you'll get yelled at and chastised and treated like you're completely inadequate. I suppose it's good for me...because I do this and I know that I never ever in my life want to have to do something like this. Inspiration and motivation to do better.

I've decided that if I can keep my GPA above 3.5 next year, then I'll petition to be emancipated right before Junior year starts (I'll be turning 16 in March, Junior year starts in August...so I'll have some time to earn some money and go apartment hunting and such). Pixie

Monday, July 16, 2001

My Name Is Brittany



All my life this has been so hard for people to remember. I don't understand this. Brittany is a common name, it is not exotic nor hard to pronounce, it's in English...why is it so hard? First, my mom...she constantly calls me Brenda - that's my aunt's name. All the time. Then...my teachers. My english teacher in 8th grade had had my older brother the year before. She called me Adrian. Twice. Every teacher that had my (ex)best friend Sperm Girl called me Sperm Girl a few times, and she was of course called Brittany. Then in seventh grade she was going out with Football Jason, and I was with a guy named Brian, and we all hung out together a lot. Actually...if one couple was there the other one was too. Yeah...I was called Sperm Girl a lot, and she was called Brittany.

I got a phone call today from Biscuit that started out with "I'm so sorry I don't know what I was thinking". I'm aware that you guys are all too-aware of my past loves, but let me reiterate. I've gotten a few of these calls in my life.Okay...I've gotten two calls like this and one call I should have gotten but that bitch didn't have the decency. Do you know what is usually said after that first sentance? "Brittany, I love you, you are my very best friend (or, you're the only one I want) and I'm sooo sorry, I'd never do anything to hurt you, but.." That's when they tell me about how they made out with the guy I almost loved. Or how they made out with my best friend. Or how they jacked off my asshole boyfriend that they told me to break up with. So...when those words came out of Biscuit's mouth I was almost hysterical with laughter because of the irony of it all. Because this shit would only happen to me a fourth time.

Thank God it was something so miniscle in comparison. He called my house and asked for Fairie Chick on accident. Later that night he called me Fairie Chick again, but it doesn't really bother me. I trust that he doesn't like her. So...just another name to add to the list that I've been called. Joe won't tell me how far he's gone. He claimed I already asked, and I have no recollection of this, so...I'll just have to beg a little and find out. And he's grounded for a week *sigh* That's what happens when your mom sees you lugging a case of beer when the first rule of the weekend was no drinking :/

As for the rest of my day...I was waken up (is that the right tense? fuck I dont' know) this morning by a teddy bear being slammed into my head. Yes that's right, I was beaten awake by my own teddy bear. You see, I forgot to wake up this morning for cross country. When no one answered the phone Fairie Chick came over, rang the doorbell till my dad woke up, and he gave her permission to wake me up as she saw fit. So she hit me with my teddy bear. It all happened in a rush, because Fairie Chick has that kind of way about her. "Brittany! We have to be there at 6! 6 am!!! Wake up! Get up! Hurry up! Where are your clothes? Your shoes? Your socks? Hurry up!" I don't even remember getting dressed or anything. Went to cross country...I got lost. Shut up you know you have too. We drove up to VoTech (another high school) to run...and we had to go out in the desert for this loopy thingy, and the trail just ended. So we followed Fairie Chick up this killer hill where I thought my bum would fall off, and she dissapeared. We decided to make our own trail :D Your first hint that your lost is when you see two runners running towards you from the opposite direction. Your second hint is when the girl you were following comes running from a different direction. Your last hint is when you thought you were done and everyone is running away from you. Yeah...no worries though, it was all good.

Blah blah, my aunt came over, I got Hard Love back, she gave my mom good advice (my mom was bitching about me eating cereal out of a glass and I'm like wtf, all the bowls are dirty! and my aunt just laughed and said "dixie, pick your battles carefully". sometimes I love that lady).

I did a little law research about the emancipation of a minor. That shit is boring, I'm glad I'm going to be a psychiatrist and not a lawyer. Well...basically, if you're emancipated you can: ***incur debt and sign contracts ***acquirinig property and such ***consenting to medical, dental, or psychatric care ***enrolling in any school or college ***establish my own residance. When it's being decided they consider: ***a) Whether my parents consent(ehh, that's iffy), ***whether I can support myself without financial assistance (check), ***whether I'm mature and knoledgeable enough to manage my affairs with the guidance of my parents (check), ***whether emancipation is in my best interest.

The last one is a problem. Because you see, it's a little hard to convince someone that it's in my best interest. Why? My parents don't abuse me physically. I get decent grades, I'm very smart, and my teachers adore me. I don't know why, but this is always because of my parents. Anything good idea is because of my parents. We have a good amount of money and I'm pretty well off. So I'm going to go with the mental health angle and run with it. I'm 16 in seven months :D Think of how great this would be. I know you're sitting there telling me that I'm just a kid and don't know what I'm getting into. Fortunatly, I had very okay parents. I clean the house and cook dinner and take care of the groceries already. Once when I was a kid my mom tried to punish me by making me help with the bills...yeah, didn't work because I thought it was the coolest thing ever. My parents raised us to be very independent and capable of living in the real world, and fortunatly I paid attention, and they probably did a little too good of a job in that part of parenting. I'll be just fine.

And I suppose that's about all of my day. OH MY GOD I BROKE OUT! I'm breaking out. This is a problem. You see, I don't break out. I had to go look it up in the dictionary today because it's just nto a part of my vocabulary. I'm not concieted, I just have really good skin. Of course I get zits just like everyone else, but I don't break out. So this is quite unsettling, because I don't know what to do. I'm hoping it's just horomones, I'm on my period, my boobs are the perfect size, and the breaking outness will just go away. I'm a really vain person, not superficial, but vain. I got braces in fifth grade (against my own will), had them for four years, and now have my perfect teeth. My teeth are pretty white. I don't consider myself to be pretty but I do have good bone structure, an oval face, full lips, a small nose. I don't consider myself to have a nice body but I'm pretty fit and no one has complained yet. I trim the split ends on my hair by hand. I buy 20 dollar shampoo. I'm vain, and I'll admit it. I try my hardest to look my best, however, I don't want to break out.

Now it's going to be hard to convince you that I'm not superficial, but I'm not. I don't go after people for their looks, I'm not friends will people for their looks, and I've loved and liked people that made my friends go "but brittany...you could do so much better". So leave me alone and let me buy my 20 dollar shampoo, okay? Pixie

Sunday, July 15, 2001

Big Brother Is Watching



Well...I didn't end up ordering pizza, or anything else for that matter. Right when I picked up the phone to dial...it rang. Guess who it was? That's right, Biscuit! I explained my little situation to him and well, he was more interested in the fact that my parents were out of town, my aunt was no where to be found and my brother had dissappeared then the fact that I was a starved gurl. So, we did what any two teenagers would do, made plans for him to pick me up. He had to drive some chick home though, and at that time I started to talk to Trevor and Brandon. Turns out Fairie Chick *finally* broke up with Anthony and is now officially with Trevor, which makes me happy except for the fact that...ugh, it doesn't matter. So we started talking about me and Biscuit and Trevor and Brandon very nicely decided he needed a swift kick to the head because he was an idiot (mostly for not going out with me). Joe picked me up, I left a note saying I was going to the movies/to get food with Paco, and off I went on my merry little way.

We got there and went to his neighbors house (he was house sitting) and just hung out for a little while, then he disappeared for quite some time and came back with a beer :/ Fairie Chick called and I talked to her for a little while and she gave me the details on the whole Anthony thing and then started asking me about Biscuit...well...I started to get a little upset. I was just like "and if he doesn't want to be with me then why am I over here? why do I keep talking to him and seeing him and driving myself crazy if it's going to end up no where, and I'm the one who's going to be left with a broken heart? why am I even bothering?" and I started to get a little teary-eyed. At that point Biscuit (who was in another part of the house talking to Trevor about "the band") comes over and takes the phone away from me and hands it off to Trevor. He starts asking me whats's wrong...it's times like this when I go "no, it's nothing, don't worry". Eventually he got it out of me...and he was just like, well, what do you want Brittany? and I'm like I want something more (than just hooking up) and he was like ask and you shall recieve. So, I suppose that's our way of getting together, and I suppose that we are together now. He explained the whole thing from before as (when one second he didn't know what he wanted and six hours later he was all..blah blah) he had always wanted more, but he said that when I talked about it I made it seem as though what had happened between us was nothing...and he didn't want to act all committed if I didn't want that. See? Always the confusion.

I eventually came home around 12:30...when we drove into my neighborhood I saw my brother's friend leaving, and my aunt's truck was in the driveway, which is never a good sign. I walked in and my aunt is like oh my gosh, blah blah, I was so worried. Apparently they called Paco's house and of course Paco's house said that they hadn't heard from me all night, so she started to freak out. But...she didn't really ask any questions about where I was which is good. So I just went to my room and started to put on my jammies when my bro knocked on my door. He was just like "you know, at 7 o'clock you were worried about whether or not it was too late to go to the movies, and you would have gotten home at 9:30, but you decided it was okay to go even later and come home at 12:30?? And then Chole calls Paco and they say they haven't heard from you. What if mom or dad called? What is she supposed to tell them? That you went to Paco's house but they had no idea where you were? What would they say?" me: "that I'm a horrible evil child blah blah blah" bro: "Okay, exactly. Don't let it happen again."

I've noticed this trend with my family. You see...my brother doesn't act like a brother and my mom doesn't act like a mom and my grandma doesn't act like a grandma until *I* do something wrong and there is a need for someone to bitch me out. That's when they all decide that it's okay to start acting like my real . It very much pisses me off, but the more it happens the more I get used to it. It's obvious that I'll never fall in the good graces of my family...so what's the point? Why bother to even try to be good if I'll never be trusted, I'll never be seen as a good kid, nothing will ever happen. There isn't a point. I'll never be treated the way my brother is no matter how good I am, so I may as well not bother. I just hope once the school year starts, if I can get good grades then they'll get off my back. I'm not a bad kid...so why do they continue to treat me like some kind of prisoner? I'm not and never have been pregnant, I've never even had sex, I can honestly say I've never been fingered or jacked a guy off (don't ask, complicated story), I have smoked pot but I decided that it wasn't worth the hassle and never moved on to 'hard' drugs. I do like to drink but I always do it responsibly and I'd never put my life or anyone else's in danger. I do ditch school but my grades are pretty decent and my teachers adore me. I don't really see what the problem there is.....

In other news, I started my rag today, fun. Which means I woke up early this morning from cramps and lower back pain. And I feel icky and bloated and snarly and bitchy, which is, I'm sure, more than you wanted to know. Pixie