Saturday, June 30, 2001

Blah. I don't think I'm being unreasonable. Nick and Jason want me to go out, my parents say no. So I ask if maybe they can come over, we can rent a movie or something, and they say no, it's too late. I ask if I can go out, they say no. So...I can't do anything. Because my parents don't know Nick and Jason. I won't mention how my brother went out to the movies today with some random girl and her cousin, and they had no way to get home. My parents don't know random girl, or her cousin. But it was okay for him to go out with them. And last night my brother went out with Ryan and Kathleen and Richard. They didn't know where they were going or what they were doing or when they'd be home, but it was okay for him to go out. And he didn't get home until after 3, and that wasn't a problem.

So....unfortunatly I'm doing nothing tonight. Like I do every night. It's not like "hey brittany, you go out too much, stay home tonight". If you don't count youth group, the last time I went out was last Tuesday to go to the mall with Shandi. And before that it was 8 days before that that I went out. So it's not like I go out all the time. And it's not like I'm asking to go out, I'm asking for two friends to come over to watch a movie or something, because I figured that that would be reasonable and that they'd be okay with that. Ugh, it just bugs me.
I had a weird weird dream. I don't remember most of it but I was at a water park and I went on this ride twice, but it was about brushing your teeth and I was so scared. And then I saw these two guys that I thought were gay and my friend Alana was explaining to me how she was meeting one of them for the rave later (??? Alana isn't a raver...) and I was like "oooh, that one is cute". Later Alana disappeared and the guys were talking to me because they thought that *I* was Alana because I was checking one of them out! Arrr. I got lost on the way to the fair I was going to and ended up at this gas station right near an alternative clothing store. And I saw this car filled with glowsticks and raver kids keep driving by. So finally I was like "hey? do you need help?" so they pulled into the gas station and asked me where Harmon was (I'm a directions ditz...but they were cute...) so I struggled to try to figure out where Harmon was in relation to where we were. About half an hour of them laughing at me giving directions they were like "Harmon's here!" and I was like...huh? Harmon was another raver kid. Heehee. So then we all went into the alternative clothing store where Robert (the one who's straight) was there too. And I was making out with everyone....I just remember making out with a lot a lot of people. Man...these dreams are making me feel quite icky.
you wrote me an e-mail and
you tell me that i broke your heart
and how it's all my fault
and how you're trying not to tear me apart.

for a moment i felt angry
at myself for not protecting you
from myself
and from not keeping you safe
from myself

i told you not to fall in love with me,
i told you i wasn't worth it.
you told me that you wish i could see myself the way you do,
i should have told you that i wish you could see me the way that i do
because then your heart wouldn't be broken.

maybe if you had paid closer attention to my words,
and to what happened behind the stories that i had told,
maybe you wouldn't have fallen in love with a heartless bitch
and maybe your heart wouldn't be broken.

maybe i should have told you that i've lived by a few rules
and maybe i should have told you to live by them too.
number one was to never fall in love
because then your heart couldn't be broken
number two was to break up with them soon,
because then you couldn't fall in love,
number three was never forgive anyone for making you cry,
because then you'd never go back to them

instead of telling you about how the person i thought i loved,
made out with my best friend,
and i, in turn, made out with my exboyfriend, brian,
to hurt the person that i thought i loved,
maybe i should have mentioned how i hurt brian's girlfriend,
because i didn't give a shit about what happened to her,
even when they broke up because of it,
and her heart got broken.
just like yours is now, because i didn't tell you.

i told you about how nick was making me feel like shit,
and you called him a bastard, or some name like that,
and i told you how i deserved it for what i did to him.
i didn't elaborate, and you didn't ask.
maybe if you had asked me what i did to him,
i would have told you that he loved me,
and i told him i loved him,
and i told him that i meant it,
and once he left town i got together with brian,
and broke nick's heart,
just like yours is now, because i didn't tell you.

and maybe you would have asked,
how i even ended up with nick anyway,
and i would have told you,
that i had cheated on galen when i saw nick.
but i didn't break galen's heart,
because he was smart enough not to love me.
you weren't, and now your heart is broken.

and maybe you would have asked,
how i ended up meeting galen anyway,
and i would have told you
that he was my exboyfriend's friend
who never went out with anyone,
because he didn't want his heart broken.

and maybe you would have asked,
what was the story with that exboyfriend,
and i would have told you that we were together for four months,
and that we were happy and maybe in love,
but i broke up with him,
because i was too happy,
and he was too good for me anyway.

and maybe you would have asked,
what happened then,
after him but before galen,
and i would have told you about a boy
named christian, who barely spoke english
who wrote all the rules
about being a heartless bitch,
because we kissed and he never answered my letters,
and he never wrote me back,
and he taught me another rule:
four: a kiss is just a kiss

and maybe you would ask me how someone can live how i have,
with these rules.
and i would have told you the most important rule,
five: if you hate yourself, you never feel anything but that hate,
which makes all the other rules easier to follow.

but i didn't tell you all this,
and you didn't ask me anyway,
but it's not my fault
that no one taught you the rules yet
maybe you'll learn the rules
and you'll think of me as writing them
about being a heartless bitch,
the way i think of christian.

or maybe you'll fall in love,
and live happily ever after,
but i'll never get that,
because i've carved the most important rule into my body,
and am reminded of it every day,
and i'll never forget it,
because the scar will always stay.

i'm in a bad mood, a bad enough mood to write bad poetry. and to not give a shit who sees it. i never let the public see what i think is bad poetry. i burn it instead. but i'm not willing to set my computer on fire, or to spend the two hours it'll take to make it a better poem. but poetry is my best way of writing and saying how i feel. s., my letter was a little mean, i think, so i hope you read this and understand me a little more, and maybe never talk to me again, but if you ever need a ride to youth group, i'm here, because my dad saw me under the rainbow flag.

Friday, June 29, 2001

I've been in a really pensive mood lately. I woke up this morning and peeked around Scarleteen, trying to decide what shirt I want to buy. I've decided to get the Camp Scarleteen shirt when I get my paycheck (Sunday). So...with my money I'll have the shirt, enough money to catch a movie and copy scarleteen fliers, yay! My mom invited me to go to breakfast with her and my dad. Too late I realized that they probably wanted to talk about me being bisexual and blah blah, but instead they just talked about Queen Elizabeth and whether or not my mom wanted to be a principle. And I stared out the IHOP window, eating my chicken strips, sitting indian style like I always do. It's funny, because my uncle says they just want to be a part of my life, and maybe they think by spending all this time with me they are. Except they don't realize that the only thing that happens is they talk and I stare out the window, nodding and saying "mmhm" every so often, giving my opinion even less. I wonder if they realize that.

Apparently my mom almost fell off the roof. Or, my dad thought she did. *scream* *slide* *bang* It was just the paint tray thingy. But thanks to it, now this big bush between our house and our neighbors has a white stripe going down it. I wonder what would have happened if it really was my mom. And then my parents left to go to the movies, and I started reading my books. The ones that my uncle sent me. The ones I'm not supposed to read yet. However, they are in my room, and until they say something about it I think I'll just read them. I'm quite pissed off about this censoring shit about what is or isn't appropriate for me to read. I hope they don't actually *read* the books, because so far the one I've picked up will be banned, I'm sure. In case you're curious, the books he sent me were:
*The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho (I've already read, and loved it, but my mom accidently gave it to the used book store)
*The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Sephen Chbosky
*To Have and Have Not by Ernest Hemingway
*The Stranger by Camus
*A Happy Death by Camus
*Tortilla Flat by John Steinbeck
*Cannery Row by John Steinback
*A book by Plato that I just realized is missing, I wonder which of my parents took it :/

When my cousin Danny was in town, he came to my grama's house where my mom, aunt, brother, dad, and I were all at for dinner. I was just sitting in a chair crossed legged, reading a book in my lap. Danny asked me what it was and I held it up. It was 'Tis (the sequel to Angela's Ashes) by Frankie McCourt. He was surprised because he expceted some trashy romance novel. I told him no, that was my mom's preferred genre. A lot of people are surprised when they find out how much I read, and most think I'm quite weird for it, but truth be told I've always been a bookworm. I remember reading Little Women when I was in...maybe fourth grade? And the counselor laughing at me thinking that I wouldn't finish it. I didn't, because I found it horribly boring. I read it later, because I didn't want the counselor to be right, and found it to be horribly boring. I remember discovering the back corner of the library at my school where the librarian hid the books without pictures. It was a big deal because I had always been bored in the library, when my classmates were arguing over who got the Clifford books, I was happy to sit in the back with Nancy Drew (shut up, you know you read those too!)

I really was a weird kid. I remember sitting on the playground reading instead of playing. I remember not really having friends because I'd just read books anyway. I'm the only kid I know who was angry at the library for having a 20 book limit, and I'm the only person I know to ever check out 20 books at once. I remember the librarian who used to always tell me how beautiful I was, I wonder where she is now. She called me Brittany and said my name right (Brittany, not Brittney), and now and then she called me Paloma (my middle name, I don't know how she knew) and she would tell me how beautiful my hair was and never to cut it. I wonder if she knows that I still think about her. I'm the only person I knew who snuck staying up late to read books, and read books by nightlight so she wouldn't get in trouble. I even got in trouble for reading books in class when I thought the teachers were boring.

I wonder if the teachers ever really cared that I read in their class. I was in GATE (gifted and talented education) and pretty smart. I was always correcting papers in elementary school because I'd finish my work sooner. I remember correcting papers while the rest of the class watched Reading Rainbow. I wonder why I never watched it, and I wonder why I never complained. Did I mind? Probably not. I don't really remember. I was supposed to skip second grade. I took the tests and got into a special private school so that I could skip a grade, and I got in too. But my parents didn't let me. I just found out about it this year, I always thought it was because we didn't have the money for the school. But it wasn't that. It was because of my brother. They felt that I would have held it over my (older) brother's head that I was in the same grade as he was. I would have too. But I wonder if it would have been better for me to skip the grade. Maybe it would be better to have me better, than having my brother better. It makes me angry that they went for his best interest instead of mine. If I went to that school I bet I wouldn't have a 2.7 GPA. Then again I bet I wouldn't be who I was. I wouldn't be out, I wouldn't act the way I do, I wouldn't be myself because it's a pretty conservative school (I think).

My cousin Danny brought his friend Nick with him, and once when I was alone with Nick we started talking. Just about life in general. At the end of the conversation when Danny came back he asked what was good on TV, I said I didn't know because I didn't watch TV for the most part. They just looked at me. Nick laughed. I asked him if he was surprised. He told me that no, nothing about me would surprise him now, it would just be learning more about me. That was such a compliment, I don't think I'll ever forget it. When they left he told me that he hoped I'd always think the way I thought now, because it took him his entire life to get as far as that, and it only took me 15 years.

My mom just knocked on my door while I was reading a forbidden door. I don't think I could have been more scared had I been having sex. Fortunatly I had the Alchemist right next to me (I'm allowed to read it since I already have) and I switched them before she came in. The book I was reading was The Perks of Being a Wallflower. And she's reading it now. I hope she didn't notice that the cover was warm, and that the pages had already been read. I think she'll forbid it, although I think it may be one of the best books I've read yet. I can relate to Charlie, because people think he's weird, and people think I'm weird, and he likes to read and write, as do I. And I think my mom will forbid it because Charlie and I are too alike. It talks about him smoking pot, and his friend who committed suicide. And how Charlie blames himself for his Aunt's death, and how he's on medication. And I hope that even though she bans it she'll let me keep it in my room, because I'll be very upset if I never read the end. Charlie thinks how I think, and I want to see what else he thinks about.

It upsets me that my parents will ban a book about a kid like me. And like I said before, I'm in a pensive mood. My parnets wouldn't like either of that. They don't want me to be upset because they don't want me to feel. That's why they never interferred with my cutting, not really. They knew about it for...about a year, maybe longer, maybe less. I didn't feel, and they didn't want me to. If they ban this book, about a kid who thinks like I do, it will just prove more that they don't like how I think. They don't like that I think it's okay to take half-naked pictures with strategically placed duct tape. They really just don't like how I think.

Other than that...my mom said I'm about to get fired from being housewife, because I'm not keeping the house up and I'm not doing anything 'extra'. I told her okay. She asked if that meant "okay fire me" or "okay I'll do better". I just told her it meant "okay, if you feel like you need to fire me then do". She didn't get it. My dad would have. I went running today. It was just a "run as far as you can" kind of thing. Well...I ran probably a mile and a quarter. My mile time was 11:57, but maybe that's because I was pacing myself. Total I ran almost 15 minutes. Next week I'll be running for 4:15 and resting for 2:30. The week after that I get an easy week, yay.

Well, my mom just said "I think this is a great book, feel free." Wow. That's a surprise. I'm really shocked. Like...unbelievably shocked. She didn't read it for very long, but in the begining they talk about a friend that commits suicide. Well well. Look at that, parents will surprise you, even if they don't fall off the roof. I know that wasn't really funny, but I feel like being unfunny. Like I said, I've been in a weird pensive mood. I've felt the need to write lately, so I've been writing little essays. I'll put them up on my webpage under the 'story' section in the 'creative corner' (http://www.geocities.com/pixiechick0404/index.html). I read a book once where it said that everyone had a story to tell, but everyone thought theirs wasn't important enough to write. I wonder if mine are, because I think it's not, but maybe that's the point. Well, my essays are there anyway. They're mostly about being judged unfairly. Brittany

Thursday, June 28, 2001

Hmm, so today was cool. I woke up and checked my e-mail, found a letter from S. She read my blog, she's feeling jealous (about the whole Joe thing) and basically...told me how she couldn't live without me. :/ I know, you're saying "pixie, be happy that you found someone that thinks you're wonderful". But, I can't be. I mean...cutting...can't believe people like me much less love me....commitment phobic...low self esteem. I'm working on liking myself, and having a hard time at that, and then she's telling me how she loves me. I think I'll have to slow things down with her.

So then I went to weight training. The dumbass I am went to pick up Fairy Chick at her dad's house. The only problemo was that she was at her mom's house! But since she's right down the street it's not a bummer. So we went and worked out and *whew*. But I feel good so it's cool. Then we walked to her house and waited for Joe and Trevor. We were just sitting there in front of her window, with the blinds open, watching it like it was the TV. me: so, what's new? Fairy Chick: there went a taxi. Finally they showed up and we just kind of hung out, Fairy Chick and Trevor in her room, me and Joe reading each other Trivial Persuit cards (we, suck, in case you were wondering). Then she comes out announcing we're going swimming, so we head outside to the four foot deep pool.

Mostly it was just splashing around and them being retarded doing cannon balls off the roof into the...four foot deep pool. Teenagers. Sheesh. So that was fun and Joe and I were just kind of flirty till I started touching him and then he started holding me. There was this pole going horizontally over the pool to hold the pool cover and it split it almost in half and the cover was coming down, and Joe and I ended up over there and he was tickling me and I was laughing and Trevor was like "Joe, put that away if she's laughing that hard!" and we peek over and they're kissing (of course) so I'm like "oh no they're going to swallow each other whole." I know you're wondering...yes Joe and I did eventually kiss. Muwahaha. And of course Trevor ruined it by going "It's about damn time!" (I spoiled his moment, he spoiled mine, lol). And we stayed on our respective sides of the pool joking around and kissing until we all went into the spa. It was a tiny spa...Joe and Trevor are tall...Fairy Chick and I were in their laps and feet kept touching and we were all laughing because we didn't know who was feeling up on who! It'd just be like "someone's touching my ass...is that you Fairy Chick? Oh, okay, just checking". Until they went inside and we were just hanging out reading our palms...well sort of.

We finally went inside and dried off and continued to read trivial persuit cards while Fairy Chick and Trevor were...elsewhere. And we basically did that until they appeared again and Fairy Chick decided she was going to cook. She's not quite a home-maker, but she tries. So she made herself and I some Ramen (the cheap vegetarian's food staple, lol) and Joe fed me (like, shoved half the bowl in my mouth!) and Trevor and Fairy Chick were making me laugh and I'm trying to move my jaws enough to chew and not spit it all out...I got back at Joe by (accidently, I swear) poking the back of his throat with a fork, lol.

So we were on the floor and FC and Trevor were on the couch just being stupid. Trevor: that's a mighty big noodle I'm trying to feed you. FC: yes, but it's limp, how am I supposed to work with that?? So yeah, fun stuff till I had to walk home :(

Then I put on my boots, bondage skirt, and a black halter and my dad's like "what kind of church is this where they'll let you get away with wearing that." And we went to go pick up Dustin and he kept asking about the name of the church and the pastor and blah blah (going to my GBLT youth group, aka: Lutheran Youth Group). So I found Dustin and he kept saying GBL (although he did recover quickly by saying it was the Girls and Boys Lutheran Center, muwahaha). So I directed my dad, told him to pull up to the rainbow flag. I was just like "Dad, I know you already know so lets not make a big deal about this, we'll talk about it later". And off we went.

Not that many people were there...Cyrus was incredibly happy to see me (I love that kid!), Gary and James were there, so was Robert. Andy and Franky showed up late, of course. It was just a general good time. A guy from GLSEN came and talked to us about GSA (gay - straight alliances) which is good because S., FC, Dustin and I want to start one next year at our school. So afterwards my dad picked us up and took Dustin home and he was just like "are you ashamed? blah blah" and I'm just like "you know, I didn't want to deal with all this crap that would come up" because I didn't want to. If they ask me again why didn't I tell them I'll ask them why would I? They're not a part of my life, there's no reason for me too. Plus...I cherish my friends...I don't want to have to spend less time with them because my parents don't trust me. I barely can spend time with my guy friends. So...either they'll have to isolate me completely or let me spend more time with *all* my friends. Brittany

Wednesday, June 27, 2001

Okay okay, I promise this is the last time I'll ever write tonight. I swear. Really. It's just my friends are fucking lunatics so now I have to write about it. Guess who just appeared on my doorstep? Fairy Chick. Guess who she brought with her? Joe and Trevor. Muwahaha. Everyone was (I'm assuming) asleep, so I ran out to talk to them. Wearing booty shorts and a white t-shirt with no bra. I'm sure I looked like a princess. Really, my ass hangs out of these shorts. But it's what I wear to sleep y'know, I wasn't expecting Fairy Chich to show up! But I shouldn't be surprised because she always shows up entirely unexpectedly. So...we just sat on the curb and talked for a little while until they had to skidadle to get Fairy Chick home. Fortunatly, we made plans to all go swimming at her house tomorrow after weight training. The bad side? I need to shave my legs. I'm not supposed to take a shower, because my mom can't sleep, but ah well, it's better than waking up at 6 in the morning trying to explain to my parents why I'm taking a shower *before* I go to work out. Heehee. I'm giddily happy. Did I mention how much I love my friends and I love being around them? I think I'll say it again. My friends make me happy. I know it's silly, but they really do and I'd go wacko without 'em (that is, if you don't already consider me a wacko, lol). Brittany aka Pixie Chick oh, and I updated my webpage! I added a new art section. Check it out at: http://www.geocities.com/pixiechick0404/index.html
Okay, this is like my fourth post of the day, but I took a nap and had the weirdest dream. It started off with me being on a subway type thing to go to my house, except it wasn't my house, it was some house in a very wealthy neighborhood. And in the next house was Joe and he kept calling me and we were talking on the phone, and he was saying how he had to go and I could see him out my window walking outside with the phone and he waved bye and I thought it was so cute, but then he wasn't on the phone anymore and that made me sooo mad. I don't know why...

So I decided to go off on my own. So I got back onto the subway thingy where I saw Trevor (one of Fairy Chick's boyfriends) and he was explaining to me about the game. The point of the game was to find someone and have sex with them, easy enough. So I got off and I was stuck in a Janet Jackson video, and she was dancing in this pink dress on a rocky thingy. So I went inside the little cave thingy and I was stuck in another subway system, where I ran into Jason G., and I explained the game to him. We were actually inside a video game. Find people, have sex, easy enough. Except all the people were little yellow people with white heads like on the AIM buddy icons (like the Running AOL man), and they were all wearing blue suits and no one wanted to have sex. I don't see why Jason and I just didn't have sex, but, needless to say we lost the game. Weird, huh? brittany
Wow, that was interesting...like...wow. Yeah. Today's been interesting, to say the least. I don't know if I mentioned it, but Josh asked me out. I said no, because I barely know the boy, and while he's hot...I barely know him! And then S. asked me out. And I said no, because...well I don't know why. I just don't think It'd be good to be in a relationship with her, she likes me too much. I know that sounds bad, I should be happy, but...it's like, when I was a kid I convinced myself that there was something horribly wrong with me and that no one could ever love me, so when someone likes me as much as S. does it freaks me out. And while there's a lot of sexual attraction between us, I can't see myself in a relationship with her.

And then Joe started talking to me today...he's been calling me lately but I just haven't been up to talking to him. Then he was online and he started asking me why I was avoiding him, I really like the way he was straightfoward about it, not mean or demanding or anything, just wanting to know how come I wasn't answering his calls. S. is not agressive at all...which is the reason why not a lot happens between us, so I can appreciate Joe's straighfowardness, lol. Later on he was on again and we were talking and I was telling him about how S. and Josh had asked me out and we started talking about old times...like how he was going to ask me out the first day we met, but now he's glad he didn't (after I said I didn't know Josh well enough), but it would have been different. If he had I would have said yeah because we just clicked so well you know? I only knew him for a day...but we were so good together, y'know? He's so cute, lol. He was like "Can I buy you lunch?" (we were ditching class with a few friends and hanging out in the theater) and I was like "but you're leaving town right after school!" and he was just like "can I buy you lunch or not?" so I said okay...he whipped out a sandwhich he had bought during the nutrition break and gave it to me :) He could give me a diamond ring now but I'd always remember the sandwhich as the sweetest thing. I don't like people buying me things...but a sandwhich? I can handle that. So anyways...we were just talking about old times..before he went out with Sarah and then we just started talking and now I'm getting butterflies in my tummy. I remember writing in my journal "did you ever feel like you were never close enough to someone? and you knew that even if you were pressed right up against them, you would still feel this yearning because you weren't close enough..." and that's how I used to feel about him. So we'll see what happens. He had to go, but he said to me (online) "oh and btw, I plan on asking you out once I can get a hold of you on the phone" and I'm just like...ummm. Because I like the guy, I really do, the more I think of him the more I'm like "yeah yeah, I like Joe". So hmmm...I don't know, it's just a confusing situation. I'm happy though. S. is leaving town tomorrow, but Craig comes in town tonight and I'm finally talking to CJ and I just talked to Dustin and Joe.

My friends keep me happy and sane, the more I'm around them, the happier I am, and lately I've been talking to them more than usual :) Brittany
Okay, since I wrote that post I've managed to put a mailto tag. So e-mail me damnit, make it worth it!
I'm trying to learn HTML, muwahaha. Because hopefully the lovely Caro will help me learn FTP, and then my uncle is going to teach me Linnux. I'll be a computer geek yet! Although I don't see why I need to learn this...but my uncle says I need Linnux, and to do that I need FTP (which is where Caro will *hopefully* come in!), and I figure I should probably figure out how to put links into my blog, lol. :D Wish me luck! Brittany

Tuesday, June 26, 2001

Today was a pretty good day. Well, I dcided last night not go to weight training so I wrote my parents a little note saying to wake me up at 10. They woke me up promptly at 9. I wonder if they know that I know, and we're just playing this little game, me pushing the limits of their ''good parenting'', them reminding me that they're the fuckers in control. Not that it's a big deal for me to sleep in till 10, they don't care when I sleep, outside of the computer limit deal. So...I went to breakfast with them just because I was so mad. And now they have this theory that my cousin Liz is gay and my dad did the whole "I don't care if she is or isn't, I love her no matter what". Then the stupid cashier (this strange girl that rode my bus) started asking me about Dustin (a long off ex-boyfriend that I'm friends with) and I said he had a nice little boyfriend and she was like "oh, when'd you break up? Didn't you go to his pool party?". That's a great thing to say RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY PARENTS. So I told her we broke up a long long time ago, and indeed I did go to his pool party. So then my mom starts going "you went out with a bi guy!? that's twice the chance for infidelity!". I didn't have the heart in me to argue, and I find this all amusing since she knows I'm bi. So my parents started talking about it. Ehh, well.

So we went and got S. and my mom dropped us off at the mall, where for like, 20 minutes we stood outside of the car: my mom trying to decide whether or not she wanted S's cell phone number and blah blah. *FinallY* we're about to leave and my mom's like "blah blah, your skirt is really short, if you bend over..." and I'm just like...yeah I've had this skirt for two years, I know exactly how far I can bend over in it. But anyways...I went to Hot Topic and got my boots! I was sooo happy :D I'm still so happy. I keep going and putting them on and thinking how kickass they look. They make my legs look hot, and coming from me, that's a lot to say. So I ran around the mall in these masive black boots (up to just below the knee, lace up, bump toe, 2 1/2 inch platform), a green bondage skirt, and a black see-through shirt that bared my midrift as well. It's almost disturbing how many people looked at me, although I think 75% of them were "you look like a whore go home and put on some decent clothing" looks. Muwahahaha. I think it's cool, I like to stand out. I saw two chicks from school that I'm not on the best terms with. One girl, Heather, her exboyfriend used to/is still in love with me (but he's in love with everyone else too!) and her most recent boyfriend left her for Fairy Chick, one of my best friends. They didn't say anything to me, but proceeded to give me dirty looks. Why can't people just talk shit to me and get it over with? If you can't tell, I'm agressive, and if someone has a problem with me I'd rather just deal with it and get it over with y'know. But for the most part no one has a problem with me...

Came home...my mom is making the wire frame for a topiary angel for my cousin's grave. I told her I didn't want to be a part of it, I didn't want to help out. Of course she took that to mean that I couldn't wait to get started. So, she kept calling me and asking me for help so I gave my sketch of what I thought it should be...I was just mad because I had S. over, who I won't see again before she leaves for a week. Why can't she pull this crap when I'm alone? So yeah...then she left, and me and S. were home alone so we called Dustin, and it was soooo good to talk to him. I miss that crazy boy. So we just caught up on everything that had happened to us so far, and he wants to go to youth group with me on Thursday, which brings me to my next point...

S. is leaving town, therefor I have no ride to youth group. it's too far to walk and I'm a bus-idiot (give me the subway system in Boston and I have no problemo...try the CAT in Vegas and I'm utterly lost). So...I don't know. I want to go, and I want to take Dustin and have him meet a nice duck and at their wedding I can give a speech about blah blah blah, I knew they'd hit it off, blah blah. So...I'm giong to ask my dad for a ride. He wanted the adress and number for the "church" so I'm just going to give him GBLT Center along with address etc. And if he asks "well why are you going to a GBLT center?" I'll just be like "well why do most people go?". I know he knows...so I'll just be like "you know, I know you know, I don't know how you do but you do, so you don't ahve to pretend to be shocked or whatever, just give me and Dustin a ride okay?". And hopefully it'll all work out.

I love my boots :) I want to go and feel the (probably fake, I'm not sure) leather and put whipped cream on them and lick it off. Okay maybe not go that far, but they kick ass. And, they were only 32 bucks. Apparently this is a good price for a pair of knee-high boots because all the older people who find out go "wow! That's such a good price". *evil laugh*. I'm a good shopper. Oh, my uncle (whom I love and adore and keeps me sane, he's the one that I went to stay with last summer in Boston and the one I'll be with when I go to Boston for two weeks this summer), is sending me some books. Seven to be exact. I'm a book geek, but never buy any because they're so expensive. Well my parents (who, from here on out may be called nazi parents, haha) have decided taht they may not be appropriate for me (as in, too sad and I'm too mentally unstable to handle reading stuff about people killing themselves and wanting to die and being dead inside), so they are going to read all the books first to decide if I can read them or not. Have you heard anything more absurd!?!? Oh well, I'll just think of it as torture on my mom because she hates reading those kinds of books (Plato and such), but it's still so stupid. I mean COME ON!!!!

Oh, I forgot to mention that I talked to a certain kid last night for quite a while. I need to stop calling my brother 'kid' and this kid 'kid' and everyone 'kid' because I'm only 15, my bro is almost 17, and this kid is 22! Anyways, this dude's name is Danny (aka: The Scarleteen Playa), and he so kicks ass. He totally made me feel better last night, but I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. I've never met a Danny that I didn't like, and I've never met one that wasn't kickass. First there was danny b., whom I had a crush on for the longest time, and he was a total sweetheart even if he drove me crazy. Then there was danny p., who is my second cousin once removed, I've only met him...three times in my life that I remember (supposedly I saw him when I was a wee pixie) but he's pretty awesome too, for a 28 y/o!

Well, I gots ta cook dinner, tonight we're having spaghetti. I have to run too :( Which sucks. Last night I got sick because I just felt so icky about my discoverings, and today I haven't been feeling well either.

*~*BrittanY*~*

*bitter laugh* So it's like I cut myself in advance, because tonight I figured out something that gave me reason to cut, but I already did, so it's pointless. It's not my place to give out specifics about what I found out, but I will say that my mom went through my inbox. Haha, that's what happens when you use a cheap server like hotmail and there's no computer trick to make it seem like you haven't read an e-mail. Once you read it, the little red arrow is gone. So she now knows a lot more about me then she ever should have. I don't think I mentioned that my parents have been on a sort of parenting spree with me, trying to be good parents and stuff. Haha, no wonder. This is quite upsetting to me. I've always known that my parents follow me around and go through my room, but c'mon now... I mean, I don't hold back here, and I don't hold back in my written journal because I need an outlet, and I feel like it's my right to have that outlet, even if my parents do find out. So now they've found out all this stuff about me and it just pisses me off so much. I don't know why I'm so upset about it, maybe because privacy is something I never have so I relish it, and when some place I thought was private wasn't, it's upsetting to me. Enough that I want to hurt myself because I'm just so angry about it all. No matter they think I'm such a horrible kid, in the time it took them to read my inbox, they found out a lot of info about me. Stuff I hadn't told anyone else even. The good news? Now they know I'm bi, so I don't really have to come out, although they don't know I know that they know, so we're going to all act like we don't really know and have to deal with all that shit that I don't want to deal with. They know S. likes me (although they don't know anything else), so it's like, are they going to let me spend the night at her house ever? "What's that Brittany, you're bi? And you want to sleep over at a lesbian's house? And she's in love with you? Okay" Yeah right. They're going to say hell no. Or maybe they'll say yes. Maybe they'll realize that I'll hate them even more than I already to.

Muwahaha, the worst thing they read? Well there were two surveys there. In one it said "what would you do if your parents died?" and I put "deal with it". Then it said "what if your best friend did?" and I put "I'd be crushed". How's that for a reality check? But, I can't really talk about this, so anyways...

In other news, if I go to sleep right now, I'll only have 5 hours of sleep until I need to wake up and go to weight training. But I'm getting my boots later today. I will be happy damnit. I will get my boots and walk around the mall thinking "I am the shit and I look good" and I will say bye to S. and have a fucking good time because she's leaving town on Thursday (ahh, two weeks without youth group, and I didn't go last week!). Also, Josh asked me out. Haha, how amusing is that? I told him nope, because while reading about Lemming and Timming makes me wish I was a lem and I had a tim, I know I can't handle a relationship. I'm supposed to go over tomorrow, but I'm busy now (and probably wouldn't be allowed to anyway), because he's going to teach me the drums. Kick ass. Well, I'm going to try to go to bed. It won't happen, but oh well.

Monday, June 25, 2001

And now some fuckhead has decided phone harassment is fun. Yup, now I'm getting phone calls about how I 'eat pussy' etc etc. haha, I wish. The thing is, we have an unlisted number. Not only do we have an unlisted number but we have caller ID and caller ID block block (so if you try to block your number, you can't call us), but the number is still coming up "private name, private number". What's to be concluded from this? That someone has my number, and they got it from me or from someone who knows me, and now they're going to spend they day harrassing me. Great. I don't even know if it's like "hey you're bi and i hate you" harrassment or "hey I want to harrass you" harrassment. I don't piss people off, that's one of my most annoying qualities. Very few times in my life I've done something so hurtful and mean to get someone mad at me. So I don't really have enemies. I'm even nice to the people who don't like me. So....I figure they can't hate me just to hate me, I haven't done anything to warrant then. And, not enough people know I'm bi for it to really travel around to the people who dislike me. So...I don't know. I don't know why some fuckhead is calling me. I don't know how some ignorant little piece of shit is getting my number. I don't know how some bastard knows my name and the name of my best friends. And quite frankly it pisses me off. If someone wants to mess with me fine, I can hold my own, but this little pussy is blocking his name from my caller ID, he won't tell me who he is, and he can't even hold a fucking conversation. It's times like this when I wish I could kill people by just thinking about them. Fucking bastard.
I cut myself last night. It had been 36 days, thirty six and I just messed it up.I don't know why I did it...okay I do, because I triggered myself, but I don't know why I triggered myself. It was kind of on accident. For my art project I'm doing I'm gluing quotes to my notebook, I got all my quotes from cutting sites a long time ago. So I was looking around for more quotes and I saw a link for pictures. I said, hmm, I'll just take a peek. So I took my peek and I saw the blood and the marks and scars and stuff and I just got up out of my seat and went to my room and started cutting. And I knew what I was doing, the entire time, but I did it anyway. So now my abdomen says WORTHLESS, isn't that great? It's not very deep though, it won't scar and it'll heal quickly.

I basically feel like I was hit by a truck, like I'm hungover without the good memories of last night (although I don't get hungover). S. and Jessy are at Roma's right now, they called me but I can't go, I wish I could :( I feel like such a retarded dumbass, Jessy is my *best* friend, even if by default, and S. knows more about her lately than I do, how fucked up is that? I'm trying to arrange a picnic. I figure maybe S., Jessy, Fairy Chick, Dustin, Dustin's Duck, Robin, maybe Joe and Trevor. We could have strawberry pie and sandwhiches and chips and fun stuff. I wrote Jessy a letter and in it I said "we can play on the swings and scare small children and amuse the bums" which would basically be it :D So we'll see if I can make that happen.

Well I feel a little better now. Yeah, last night was just a slip-up, nothing to be worried about. I'm still fine, I just had a tiny mess up
Man, I wish that I'd just have a good day or a bad day and not fluctuate between the two so much! So, I give you my little tips for life that I learned to day, with a B to signal that it's bad and makes Brittany mad/sad/angry, and an H to signal that it makes Brittany happy/excited. And no I don't always speak in the third person.
H. I get to sleep in
B. My mom tries to abuse my concience by making me mow the lawn against my will but with my will (see below).
H. I decide not to do it anyway
B. If you have a favorite lip gloss, and you want to get rid of it and ruin some clothes, leave it in a pocket when you put your clothes into the dryer so it gives all your clothes a yummy smell and some weird spots, and now it's ruined so you can never use it again.
H. Get to go to the grocery store and get Frappucinos and my cereal
B. My dad gets home early which throws off my entire dinner plan :(
H. Everyone tells me how good the food smells
B. I have to go running, through cramps and excruciating pain with me whimpering while I can't breathe
H. Everyone loves my food (I told you I was a great cook)
B. I don't get to eat any of my food because I'm bawling because of earlier stated excruciating pain that I didn't cry for while running
H. My aunt brought over Save The Last Dance, which is such an awesome movie, even if Julia Stiles was a weak dancer, but I'll forgive her because she's cute.
B. The movie once again made me think of dance and how much I miss it but how it doesn't matter because I'll never ever be a dancer - ever.
G. I eat my food, it was sooooo good.
B. Come online, find out that one of my best friends got slapped by her father. And one day I'm going to go and shoot him with his own goddamn gun because he puts my friend through hell and she is the last person to deserve that.
G. Find out that Jessy G. is going out with S. tomorrow to Roma's, I might show up sometime, but I don't want to infringe on their little meeting.
B. My dad starts saying crap like "Brittany, aren't you breaking a rule?" me: "I was only on the computer for 20 minutes today, give me a break" dad: Brittany, a rule is a rule, this isn't what you agreed to the other day. me: I didn't realize I had a choice. dad: of course you have a choice (that's such bullshit, if I had said "no dad I don't want a computer time he would have given me a "are you kidding?" look), I don't think this is healthy because soon you'll be weight training three times a week. me:dad, I know what I can do and I know what I can handle, okay? Why don't you go talk to adrian since he *has* to get up early but no one cares when he goes to bed. dad: you are two different people, if you want to talk about this that's fine but don't bring him into it. me: fine, but I'm going to write my e-mail to my best friend who has helped me through so much shit that you never even noticed was going on - or you pretended not to notice, and you didn't give a fuck anyway until other people started finding out, the one who is being hit by her father, so leave me the fuck alone. Okay I didn't say that, but I wanted to :/

That's such crap. They've always brought my brother into arguments when he could help prove their point. Grrr! Then my mom starts asking "what was that about?" and it's like, get a fucking hearing aid if you want to hear, okay? and gosh... then she's all like "do you want to help me make the angel tomorrow" and I'm like...dude I'm sitting here crying, do I look like I want to make a fucking angel tomorrow? No... My mom just ignores whatever I say, so it's like, not even worth it to answer her questions. She'll ask me if I want to go with her to teach her how to use the computers at UNLV and show her how to search for articles for her assignment, I'll say "no, I'm not really up for it" and she'll just be like "great! put on your shoes". Uhhh, okay? Maybe I'd be a little more willing if she had ever been able to help me with my assignments and projects, oh right, she couldn't help me with anything I did after 7th grade because she didn't know how.

Okay I know I'm being bitchy and stuff, and hurtful but gosh...I'm just not up for it. This is the result of being me. You get your period when you're 10, and your wisdom teeth pulled out when you're 14, you're in the 98.8 percentile nationwide but have a 2.7 GPA, you have such screwed up periods that your body decides to be PMSy and crampy whenever the hell it wants to. Ugh, I just feel icky and I'm taking it out here...but maybe that's the point of this, ey?

Sunday, June 24, 2001

Okay, I just realized that I actually look quite retarded because my first blog time says 1:33 and 'in 20 minutes' it was 3:13. My internet went down for a few hours, okay?? It actually only took me 20 mintutes. My mom is so silly, she's all like "I'm going to do the edging, if anyone wants to volunteer to cut the grass that'd be fine" and she's looking at me because I was supposed to do it last week, but I forgot to. Well, if she's asking for volunteers I'm not going to do it, duh. I don't know if she thinks I'll feel guilty or what and go out there and do it, but nope, I'm not like that. Okay I am, but I'm not going to go out there just because I know that she wants me to feel guilty. So I'll just sit here and blog, yeah.

I have a computer limit time now, 11:30pm, after that my parents want me off my computer and into bed so I can "wake up earlier". I also can't get phone calls after 9pm. Let's talk about my older bro now. He's 16 (1 year and 7 months older than me). He has a JOB and has to be up at like, 7am, and he doesn't have a computer limit time. He doesn't have a phone curfew. He doesn't have a curfew at all (the day before he had to start work, he went out with friends and came home after 3am). How unfair is this? What do they think they are accomplishing by giving me a bedtime? I've been going to bed earlier because of 8:30 weight training, but the fact that now they *tell* me when I have to go to bed is so unfair. There is no purpose to it. My brother has *never* had a computer limit time, or a phone curfew, or even a curfew (I do recall him running around our complex at 1am with some friends a year ago, when he was my age). My parents will let him drive with whatever friends he wants, even if they've never met these friends, but they're thinking of not letting me drive with Craig (one of my best friends, who will get his liscense in August, whom I've known for three years and for the past year we've gone out *ever* single weekend. I've baked cookies with this boy!). Not to sound like a whiny little sister, but it really is unfair.

I'm making some italian food tonight. I've never made it before...but our e-coli chicken salad is running out and my mom has been starving for the past two days because she's on an anti-e-coli-chicken-salad strike. So it should be an interesting night. Craig gets home from New Hampshire on Wednesday, yay! So on Friday I'll probably go buy my boots, oh yeah. I've wanted these boots forever :D Adam called me yesterday, it was kind of a surprise because I didn't think he really liked me, so it's cool. Unfortunatly, my phone died. Oh, and Joe called me too. I don't know what to make of that boy...I gotta talk to him and see how Ozzfest was, I don't know what he wants from me. It's obvious he kinda likes me, but do I like him? Not really. Which is surprising because I used to like him *sooo* much. But when you hold hands with a girl's best friend, and then act like you're about to ask that girl out, and then end up with Sarah, some chick you barely talk to because "you were pressured into it", you can't expect the girl to be in love with you, nope.

I started on my journal project last night. I collected a lot of quotes because I've been anticipating the day that I'd be in the mood to do this project, it's really tedious. A lot of people don't think of collaging as an art, but they've obviously never spent six hours cutting out little letters and making little phrases and gluing them onto stuff. Like any other art, one wrong move and your entire project is ruined. I don't know if this will be as good as my other ones, but we can only see. I don't have money for magazines so that really puts a damper on my creativity. Ugh, gotta go do laundry. More later... **BrittanY**